Yep - Mr. Angry got out and threw his toys out of the pram today - in a nice sort of way. I'm just getting frustrated that I can't get this lot behind me and move on. The trouble still is that I'm not in charge or control and so every time I think I can move forward someone comes along with their size 9s on and kicks me back down again.
I'm not giving up but it is just so annoying and frustrating trying to get out of the place I am in now. It is taking ages to get to somewhere that can be described as even ground so that I can stop, take a breather and then reassess and move on.
Tomorrow is going to be my day and lets see if they can sod that up for me - I wouldn't put it past them to try.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Today I have mostly been
P1ssed off with being ill.
I know I'm lucky to have got this far in my life (almost 50 - not yet) with only minor stuff but it makes you think.
I mean, I have now been to the GPs surgery more times in the last 9 months than the whole of the previous 20 years put together! I know the place as if it were my front room and I don't want to see it every week - thank you.
I can't complain, I don't have a cancer that (now) is going to take me out before my time. I know it means I've got to be seen x times a year for (possibly) the rest of my life.
I don't want you to be sorry for me or to pour sympathy on me, that isn't what this blog or this particular post are about either.
It's just that a year ago - I was Joe Average, no problems, hadn't seen the GP in years, happily going about my day to day life, no strain on the public purse or the NHS or anything else and suddenly, I can't get well, I can't get a job, every time I get tested something else happens. I'm unemployed and who would employ someone who for the next few months cannot guarantee a solid five days work a week anyway.
It will soon be two years since I last had a holiday - you know a real one - relaxing for a couple of weeks in the sun. I have GOT to put that right as well - will the Physicians and experts leave me alone long enough to do that. Why do they call it practice?
I am having (as you may notice) one of the "Bad Days" you are bound to get. Suddenly you really just say oh hell, I really don't want to be ill, this has gone on far too long and I am SO fed up!
Of course, the logic says - hey - you are going to be downgraded, it isn't anywhere near life threatening anymore, it isn't something nasty or terminal. So you have a blood pressure issue, thousands of people never know and die early or suffer a stroke. Hey, you are pre-diabetic - it doesn't mean anything more than a big warning signal so stop your whinging and get on with it :-) Some people with diabetes never get to know until it is too late, you can do those changes you need to do, they can keep their eye on you and you won't get the side effects of that.
THERE - That told me :-)
You see there are two sides (possibly more) to this. Today is a black day, I really thought I had "done enough" to get myself into the good books and yet obviously not.
then my brain says "Can you really wash away the sins & excesses of your youth with 6 weeks exercise and good living?" Well PUNK, do you feel lucky? :-)
Can you atone for 25 years burning both ends of the candle?
Anyway, I'm sort of beginning to rationalise this out now but I have felt pretty annoyed with "things" in general this afternoon. It is so much more about keeping your head on an even keel really. As I have probably already said somewhere, I just got fed up with being ill today. It was interesting as I was told that, you look fitter than you have for years (which is true), I've lost weight, my face looks thinner, my neck too and of course my waist also tells the tale.
This post is a warts and all one. You probably cannot understand how I'd feel wretched with the good news about the cancer and yet, the whole package, no job, blood pressure, pre-diabetic, cancer, treatment, trying to secure work that will allow you to have this sort of time off, not providing for your family, insurance still not paying out after 7 months etc - you can perhaps see that any one of these can disturb the equilibrium of the day.
Again, I'm OK - I don't need anyone sympathising with me or anything like that. This is the way it is.
I know I'm lucky to have got this far in my life (almost 50 - not yet) with only minor stuff but it makes you think.
I mean, I have now been to the GPs surgery more times in the last 9 months than the whole of the previous 20 years put together! I know the place as if it were my front room and I don't want to see it every week - thank you.
I can't complain, I don't have a cancer that (now) is going to take me out before my time. I know it means I've got to be seen x times a year for (possibly) the rest of my life.
I don't want you to be sorry for me or to pour sympathy on me, that isn't what this blog or this particular post are about either.
It's just that a year ago - I was Joe Average, no problems, hadn't seen the GP in years, happily going about my day to day life, no strain on the public purse or the NHS or anything else and suddenly, I can't get well, I can't get a job, every time I get tested something else happens. I'm unemployed and who would employ someone who for the next few months cannot guarantee a solid five days work a week anyway.
It will soon be two years since I last had a holiday - you know a real one - relaxing for a couple of weeks in the sun. I have GOT to put that right as well - will the Physicians and experts leave me alone long enough to do that. Why do they call it practice?
I am having (as you may notice) one of the "Bad Days" you are bound to get. Suddenly you really just say oh hell, I really don't want to be ill, this has gone on far too long and I am SO fed up!
Of course, the logic says - hey - you are going to be downgraded, it isn't anywhere near life threatening anymore, it isn't something nasty or terminal. So you have a blood pressure issue, thousands of people never know and die early or suffer a stroke. Hey, you are pre-diabetic - it doesn't mean anything more than a big warning signal so stop your whinging and get on with it :-) Some people with diabetes never get to know until it is too late, you can do those changes you need to do, they can keep their eye on you and you won't get the side effects of that.
THERE - That told me :-)
You see there are two sides (possibly more) to this. Today is a black day, I really thought I had "done enough" to get myself into the good books and yet obviously not.
then my brain says "Can you really wash away the sins & excesses of your youth with 6 weeks exercise and good living?" Well PUNK, do you feel lucky? :-)
Can you atone for 25 years burning both ends of the candle?
Anyway, I'm sort of beginning to rationalise this out now but I have felt pretty annoyed with "things" in general this afternoon. It is so much more about keeping your head on an even keel really. As I have probably already said somewhere, I just got fed up with being ill today. It was interesting as I was told that, you look fitter than you have for years (which is true), I've lost weight, my face looks thinner, my neck too and of course my waist also tells the tale.
This post is a warts and all one. You probably cannot understand how I'd feel wretched with the good news about the cancer and yet, the whole package, no job, blood pressure, pre-diabetic, cancer, treatment, trying to secure work that will allow you to have this sort of time off, not providing for your family, insurance still not paying out after 7 months etc - you can perhaps see that any one of these can disturb the equilibrium of the day.
Again, I'm OK - I don't need anyone sympathising with me or anything like that. This is the way it is.
Blood Results
Sh1t. Doesn't look good still. Will have to see what the Doc says later in the week, it is outside of the usual levels for blood glucose tolerance. The limit for my tablets (Creatine) is reached so I guess they will keep on feeding me those.
I'm a bit disappointed with the results - they are nowhere near as bad as before but it looks like something will have to be done I suppose. I hope it isn't all the fruit I've been eating - that will be a turn up for the books.
Well at least I am not as devastated by the news this time. I shall have to call them later in the week to see what they want me to do.
Did I say I was taking charge this week - think again.
I'm a bit disappointed with the results - they are nowhere near as bad as before but it looks like something will have to be done I suppose. I hope it isn't all the fruit I've been eating - that will be a turn up for the books.
Well at least I am not as devastated by the news this time. I shall have to call them later in the week to see what they want me to do.
Did I say I was taking charge this week - think again.
Bye Bye Laptop
Oh well that is the end of it. Bye Bye Laptop, happy days banging on the keys in darkened hotel rooms trying to complete impossible targets and PowerPoint presentations, trying to get wireless connectivity and failing as no one had really subscribed to it.
I'm quite sad now that it is all over but then again, I have a lot to go for if I think about it and perhaps it is for the best to move on and forget about it.
Turns the page - tomorrow is another day - sigh!
I'm quite sad now that it is all over but then again, I have a lot to go for if I think about it and perhaps it is for the best to move on and forget about it.
Turns the page - tomorrow is another day - sigh!
Time Gentlemen Please
In a few moments that will be the last piece of my past employment severed. I'll meet up with my old colleague and he will pick up my Laptop, bag and all the accessories.
And that will be it. If ever I was destined to be in a particular job - it was that one, I'd got years of experience and have been a fan of the software for years. I knew the people, I knew what customers would be looking for and I knew what I could do to make the difference.
As they say, it is no use crying over spilt milk but I really hadn't thought of anywhere else I'd rather have been. Perhaps there will be something coming along there but I cannot hang on for it in reality. I reckon that they will have to move fast or I will go and sort out something else to do.
And that will be it. If ever I was destined to be in a particular job - it was that one, I'd got years of experience and have been a fan of the software for years. I knew the people, I knew what customers would be looking for and I knew what I could do to make the difference.
As they say, it is no use crying over spilt milk but I really hadn't thought of anywhere else I'd rather have been. Perhaps there will be something coming along there but I cannot hang on for it in reality. I reckon that they will have to move fast or I will go and sort out something else to do.
Tomorrow - Big Day for me
Last September I had the huge disappointment of having to go into Hospital and being unable to carry out my duties as a Sword Bearer. Strange eh?
Well, I was made an Active Officer of my Masonic Province last year and I carry the Sword ahead of the Provincial Grand Master on special occasions. Last September was to be my first one and the operation coincided. Tomorrow is the Provincial Grand Lodge meeting at Freemasons Hall in Great Queen Street London and I will be leading the PGM into the huge Grand Temple carrying the sword. It will be a culmination of 24 years of Masonry. You only get to do an active office like this for one year and tomorrow is a big day. Having happened to have carried this particular sword once before it is really heavy and so I'm glad that I have been "working out" these past three months or so! There are normally a thousand or more people there.
So - a big deal for me and one I am really proud about. There have been, in our Lodge three Sword Bearers as far as I know in 73 years so not a bad record. Now I just hope that I don't trip up or anything like that.
Unfortunately you don't get to carry the sword around outside. It would be fun carrying it around London? I could be doing my Highlander impersonations "There can be only one Highlander!" and you wouldn't have any problems at all getting a seat on the Underground on the way home!
I also have to wear a tail coat which is good fun. I will not be wearing that up on the train though either.
Well, I was made an Active Officer of my Masonic Province last year and I carry the Sword ahead of the Provincial Grand Master on special occasions. Last September was to be my first one and the operation coincided. Tomorrow is the Provincial Grand Lodge meeting at Freemasons Hall in Great Queen Street London and I will be leading the PGM into the huge Grand Temple carrying the sword. It will be a culmination of 24 years of Masonry. You only get to do an active office like this for one year and tomorrow is a big day. Having happened to have carried this particular sword once before it is really heavy and so I'm glad that I have been "working out" these past three months or so! There are normally a thousand or more people there.
So - a big deal for me and one I am really proud about. There have been, in our Lodge three Sword Bearers as far as I know in 73 years so not a bad record. Now I just hope that I don't trip up or anything like that.
Unfortunately you don't get to carry the sword around outside. It would be fun carrying it around London? I could be doing my Highlander impersonations "There can be only one Highlander!" and you wouldn't have any problems at all getting a seat on the Underground on the way home!
I also have to wear a tail coat which is good fun. I will not be wearing that up on the train though either.
The start of an interesting week
A lot is due to happen this week. For one, I should hear from the GP today about my Kidney function and whether I stay on these BP tablets. Next I should have an appointment to see the Consultant and find out what lies in store next. After that, I should hear about my potential diabetes or the glucose levels in my blood test. With a bit of luck I have a day or two worth of work to fit in as well and today I lose the last remnant of my previous job.
Tomorrow I am out all day up in London - I'll tell you more about that later and Wednesday evening I am out as well.
In between all of these I have to organise the meal for Wednesday evening and also to work through a pile of things that must be done by Friday and on top of that chase up a load of people who are due to get back to me. The trouble with that is that they think they are the only one who hasn't responded. They don't realise how much hassle they cause me having to ring around after them.
Tomorrow I am out all day up in London - I'll tell you more about that later and Wednesday evening I am out as well.
In between all of these I have to organise the meal for Wednesday evening and also to work through a pile of things that must be done by Friday and on top of that chase up a load of people who are due to get back to me. The trouble with that is that they think they are the only one who hasn't responded. They don't realise how much hassle they cause me having to ring around after them.
Slowly dawned on me today
That I need to wrestle away the hold that bladder cancer has had on me for the past 9 months. I think it is getting to the point where, given the right sort of news from the Consultant, I can start to take back my life and to start being in charge of my disease rather than it being in charge of me.
I've had to do everything I have been asked to, when I was asked to and it has run my life for me these past 9 months. Everything I have done has been to someone else's calling and timing and now, I feel, it is coming to the next stage. It doesn't mean I've got to be any less respectful of the disease but what I DO need to do is to get my life back and to get on and do things not using the excuse (that probably isn't the right word) that I need to take it easy, I am recovering, I don't know if I will be seen that day and so on. There comes a point in time when you just cannot continue thinking or acting like that.
That time is rapidly approaching I think. The GP I hope will have come to a decision about me, my tablets, my possible diabetic readings and the Hospital will pronounce their findings and my next batch of treatments. That I hope will be this week. I will then have a very good idea about the upcoming treatments and I can then go and plan accordingly. I hope/expect 6 BCGs again but they'll tell me about that and then I really hope that I get 6 months rest rather than 3 months before they need to do a peek and poke - if they do then I hope it is a flexible rather than a rigid cystoscopy (local rather than general anaesthetic).
There are lots of other things that need to be picked up and done and I haven't done them and that is also catching up on me too.
I've had to do everything I have been asked to, when I was asked to and it has run my life for me these past 9 months. Everything I have done has been to someone else's calling and timing and now, I feel, it is coming to the next stage. It doesn't mean I've got to be any less respectful of the disease but what I DO need to do is to get my life back and to get on and do things not using the excuse (that probably isn't the right word) that I need to take it easy, I am recovering, I don't know if I will be seen that day and so on. There comes a point in time when you just cannot continue thinking or acting like that.
That time is rapidly approaching I think. The GP I hope will have come to a decision about me, my tablets, my possible diabetic readings and the Hospital will pronounce their findings and my next batch of treatments. That I hope will be this week. I will then have a very good idea about the upcoming treatments and I can then go and plan accordingly. I hope/expect 6 BCGs again but they'll tell me about that and then I really hope that I get 6 months rest rather than 3 months before they need to do a peek and poke - if they do then I hope it is a flexible rather than a rigid cystoscopy (local rather than general anaesthetic).
There are lots of other things that need to be picked up and done and I haven't done them and that is also catching up on me too.
Paying for it now though
It is just gone midnight and I'm wide awake and there is probably something going on. I don't feel unwell or anything in fact I feel fine. I can't quite get the shift in time zone I appear to have gone through :-) Perhaps a space portal? Probably not!
It is strange - wide awake at this time of night, happy to sleep late, catching up or just something unexplained.
Later today (as it now is) my old work colleague is coming around to see me and we will have a beer and a chat and then he will take away my laptop and all the bits that came with it. It will be sad to see it go but perhaps another thing I can draw a line under and move on?
It is strange - wide awake at this time of night, happy to sleep late, catching up or just something unexplained.
Later today (as it now is) my old work colleague is coming around to see me and we will have a beer and a chat and then he will take away my laptop and all the bits that came with it. It will be sad to see it go but perhaps another thing I can draw a line under and move on?
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sleeping
Which I can presently do for England - either it is something to do with the healing process or I'm just a lazy so and so.
It is 11:30 and I got an early night and so a good 11/12 hours sleep plus a bit of lying in time. It is strange that I could do that sort of thing occasionally but now I could happily do it every day.
It is strange I have to say, I'd prefer to be up and doing something.
It is 11:30 and I got an early night and so a good 11/12 hours sleep plus a bit of lying in time. It is strange that I could do that sort of thing occasionally but now I could happily do it every day.
It is strange I have to say, I'd prefer to be up and doing something.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Time for a barbecue
At least it gets everyone together these days. Daughter 2 seems to spend a lot of time contemplating the inside of her room these days. Daughter 1 has grown out of that. In fact she went out driving with her mum today. You don't want to know how much the insurance costs for a learner driver these days.
We have made a deal that I don't get involved in this sort of driving experience thing. I'd be screaming "Watch out for that car", "Careful of that pedestrian" and my daughter would probably be saying "We haven't actually got off the drive yet Dad!"
So we have insured the little car. Mine stays where it is and is driven by me!
We have made a deal that I don't get involved in this sort of driving experience thing. I'd be screaming "Watch out for that car", "Careful of that pedestrian" and my daughter would probably be saying "We haven't actually got off the drive yet Dad!"
So we have insured the little car. Mine stays where it is and is driven by me!
Did the Earth move for you?
It did for us apparently this morning. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6602677.stm
Mind you we are a fair few miles away from the epicentre and at that time in the morning it could easily have been passed off as wind :-)
Mind you we are a fair few miles away from the epicentre and at that time in the morning it could easily have been passed off as wind :-)
Friday, April 27, 2007
Despatched in Mentions
Well kind of.
Young Suze had her procedure this week. She is a brave lass as this blog will testify http://cancercomicstrip.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-wont-hurt-honest-arrggghh.html I have to say that I am not particularly able to take an epidural for this sort of procedure being a little sensitive.
Suze has linked to one of the funnier moments of one of my visits here http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html
Have a read of more of Suze's anecdotes - there can be a funnier side - it just take you a few weeks after the events to realise it sometimes!
Young Suze had her procedure this week. She is a brave lass as this blog will testify http://cancercomicstrip.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-wont-hurt-honest-arrggghh.html I have to say that I am not particularly able to take an epidural for this sort of procedure being a little sensitive.
Suze has linked to one of the funnier moments of one of my visits here http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html
Have a read of more of Suze's anecdotes - there can be a funnier side - it just take you a few weeks after the events to realise it sometimes!
A Few Pints Later
And I am feeling back to my old self again. The Sun has come out and it is quite warm - time to go and sit in the garden and chill out for the rest of the day.
Blood Taking by Professionals
It must be me but these guys are great at the Hospital. I hardly had a bruise last time and this time I hardly felt anything at all. I suppose that if you do this for a living (a strange job if you think about what you would be doing every day) then you'd be good at it.
I've had some good and bad experiences with this in the past and yet so far, both times have been good. I have to say I don't fancy making a habit of this though.
I've had some good and bad experiences with this in the past and yet so far, both times have been good. I have to say I don't fancy making a habit of this though.
The BEST Bacon Sandwich - EVER
MMmm!
Well that worked I got seen inside 25 minutes, nice lad and was surprised I'd starved as long as I had but I did say to him about the wait last time and the fear of getting trampled to death by the geriatric sprint to the seats. He told me that they actually start picking numbers up at 7:30! I got there at about 10:45 and was seen by 11:10 - I think I was actually walking out at that time.
I went past the Cafe but it was packed there was only a seat outside on the pavement which I didn't really fancy. So I then walked past the pub - I know - good temptation control for me and then got home.
I have just had a double bacon sandwich with white bread and HP Sauce. I realised that I haven't had a Bacon Sandwich for more than a year!! It was absolutely brilliant - ahhhhhhhh.
Also today my Bladder Cancer Awareness wrist bands arrived from the USA. you can get them at www.bcan.org or I have a small supply if you want one. They are a rather fetching dayglo orange colour.
Well that worked I got seen inside 25 minutes, nice lad and was surprised I'd starved as long as I had but I did say to him about the wait last time and the fear of getting trampled to death by the geriatric sprint to the seats. He told me that they actually start picking numbers up at 7:30! I got there at about 10:45 and was seen by 11:10 - I think I was actually walking out at that time.
I went past the Cafe but it was packed there was only a seat outside on the pavement which I didn't really fancy. So I then walked past the pub - I know - good temptation control for me and then got home.
I have just had a double bacon sandwich with white bread and HP Sauce. I realised that I haven't had a Bacon Sandwich for more than a year!! It was absolutely brilliant - ahhhhhhhh.
Also today my Bladder Cancer Awareness wrist bands arrived from the USA. you can get them at www.bcan.org or I have a small supply if you want one. They are a rather fetching dayglo orange colour.
So far so good
I'm just getting ready to go to the Hospital and just doing some final messing about and then I'll go and see if my cunning plan has worked. I'm not hopeful but you never know.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Here we go again then! This time drink something dummy!
I have made sure that my liquid intake today has been up as the results showed I was dehydrated. I hadn't quite got it right and thought I was allowed sips of water not to drink as I wanted to. I suppose I am so used to the procedures where with BCG you don't drink for 2 or 4 hours before (I forget which now) and of course on the operations - whilst you can have sips of water I tend not to.
This time I will get that right. I've eaten well today and ensured that I have had plenty of variety, I've not touched alcohol since Tuesday and so I am hoping that my results actually show some blood in my alcohol stream this time.
All this blood letting - if he mentions leeches next week I'm running for the hills :-)
And so to bed!
This time I will get that right. I've eaten well today and ensured that I have had plenty of variety, I've not touched alcohol since Tuesday and so I am hoping that my results actually show some blood in my alcohol stream this time.
All this blood letting - if he mentions leeches next week I'm running for the hills :-)
And so to bed!
Time is almost up
I have to go on to the fasting regime in less than an hour. I shall mark that with a drink of some sort (not alcoholic unfortuantely). Then it will be water only until 11 or so tomorrow. As I will have to walk back past the cafe and the pub I could be tempted to eat, drink and be merry on the way home!
Next Blood Test
I look forward to these as some people look forward to having a limb amputated without anaesthetic.
Tomorrow I intend to get up a little later, do my exercises and then to have a slow wander up to the Hospital to get there about 11 or just after. I am hoping that the crush of people having their fasting blood test (which this one is) will have died down and that I can get my test done a little quicker than last time. We live in hope.
As I haven't been eating sugar sandwiches (all the rage when I was a kid) and I haven't been drinking alcohol or anything else silly, I hope that the results will be back in the normal level and I can move on from this. I certainly do not want to be doing this every week.
I go back to one of my earlier posts about whether or not people realise that with all this time off and testing and prodding and poking that somewhere in the time left I need to find a job and to actually do some work. I have some work next week but I have a feeling that it is going to get disrupted through appointments and the like.
Tomorrow I intend to get up a little later, do my exercises and then to have a slow wander up to the Hospital to get there about 11 or just after. I am hoping that the crush of people having their fasting blood test (which this one is) will have died down and that I can get my test done a little quicker than last time. We live in hope.
As I haven't been eating sugar sandwiches (all the rage when I was a kid) and I haven't been drinking alcohol or anything else silly, I hope that the results will be back in the normal level and I can move on from this. I certainly do not want to be doing this every week.
I go back to one of my earlier posts about whether or not people realise that with all this time off and testing and prodding and poking that somewhere in the time left I need to find a job and to actually do some work. I have some work next week but I have a feeling that it is going to get disrupted through appointments and the like.
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