We had a good day out

It was a nice day and a superb meal. Parents and Kid brother and family were all here - it was nice to see them all and to enjoy catching up with all the news. We went up to a country pub and the food and beer were good. Took the posh car but everyone said I drove too fast - well why have a car that can go fast and all that if you don't use it? seems strange to me.

I hope everyone went away happier that they had seen me and found that it was true - I do look a lot better, I am certainly a lot thinner and a lot fitter than the last time they saw me.

despite what I said about not doing too well down the week - I suppose whilst I am fitter - I may not have the stamina I used to have. I need to work on that I suppose. I'm am absolutely certain that I really don't know how much this has taken out of me.

On a note of interest - the UK goes Smoke free in about 40 minutes. Being an ex-smoker - I don't mind people smoking and, whilst every time I see someone smoking it worries me they may get what I had or worse, you can't tell anyone - I doubt I would have listened. I now don't want to be a non smoking bore either. However, what will be good is to come home after a beer and not have my clothes stink of smoke. I was amazed today that one person smoked in the pub and I caught a whiff of it in the restaurant (which was non smoking) it quite turned me - I suppose because I wasn't expecting it.

It will be interesting to see how the ban goes.

And so where was I Thursday Night?

At a pub on Cockspur Street and earlier half way between Haymarket and Cockspur Street.

MMmm. You never know do you?

A good night's sleep has made a difference.

And so to bed

I am absolutely knackered. I still have to remember that I am still not as fit or as young as I used to be and yesterday was a long hard day in more ways than one.

Folks coming tomorrow so need to be awake and with it

Not Poisoning Me

Phoned the doc - blood tests are OK - they are not poisoning me - keep taking the tablets.

Actually I have not heard back on whether to start taking Aspirin? I shall have to ask the question when I go and get my repeat prescriptions sorted out..

All good fun. I'm not happy about the fact that I have to take pills for the rest of my life but, apparently these are bringing my blood pressure down and reducing my cholesterol (which wasn't bad anyway) and a number of other things - so it is good for me.

Oh boy

Am I ever tired this morning :-) It was one hell of a long day and quite a long night too.

I'm a little bit slow this morning!

Surprise surprise

Absolutely

Wiped out.

Oh my goodness - what a day.

Phew- 01:10 in the morning - just got in.

I should have no problems sleeping tonight!

Off to London

I haven't been up to London on business for absolutely ages. Well - apart from going up to get this job that is.

So I have two appointments today. I am quite looking forward to this.

You think of some strange things

Last night - again a Tuesday night - hardly any sleep again - it must be the reaction to the treatment. Wide awake but thinking and working out in my head whether I owe an apology to my family for putting the through all the problems of last year?

I was sort of running through in my head making some sort of speech - like at an awards ceremony - thanking them for being there for me, putting up with me and feeling very emotional about it.

And it plays a bit on your mind. I remember being very frail last July / August and people mentioned (now mind you) that I looked drawn and despite my attitude that I was a bit down. So you then think, to yourself, blimey, what damage did I inflict on those around me? We are all happy now but I was in no fit state to do much.

There is an opposing view that they wanted to see you better that it brings out people's compassion but it must also be a worry to them as well (you never want to think that you'd give someone stress - I wouldn't but I bet I did). Yeeks.

So really some things to ponder over - I'm of course grateful for everything that has been done and there I am as well wondering if I have inflicted some sort of pain on them. And then you can counter argue did I deserve to get ill, was it my fault? Then we can really go and stretch our minds on that one. I think that may be worthy of some thought and another blog altogether. Did I deserve to get cancer? I'll give it some thought.

For the moment though - did I inflict pain on those around me or was that just an outcome? Wow - what a terrible thought. I'd never do it willingly or out of malice.

No I need to go away and think about it some more. Cancer works on all those levels. It doesnt just affect you, it affects your family, your friends and that is why it is such a feared disease. Whether you want to or not, every body gets to be ill with you.

Saddened to learn that our friend died

Last week. He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last September I think because it was when I was in for the second time.

It hardly seems fair, he was a lovely guy, we all got on great with him, a real gentleman and someone who had led an interesting life, had so many stories you wouldn't believe and who will be sorely missed. I don't think I ever met his wife, perhaps once, and now he is gone. 10 months was all he got. That is the other side of the coin. I don't think any of us realised when we saw him in February that it would be the last time we saw him.

Life's like that - it can be damn cruel.

Deadline Met

Oh my goodness

I just finished - I have been at it all day and my computer must have been groaning under the size of the document - phew - a real marathon but I have completed it now.

I am up to London tomorrow to meet with some potential partners in the morning and another in the afternoon so I am going to be busy as you like.

I shall have the day at home on Friday and I have another deadline to keep for that day as well.

Roll on the weekend and a bit of respite!

The pressure is on

I have a deadline to get a document out by tonight, it is just gone 10 and I am just about to get started on it. That is cutting it tight but that is the way things are at the moment. I need to do a few more days work on this project and get it wrapped so I can concentrate on other things.

My folks are coming over this Saturday so come what may I am not working on Saturday at all. I've worked the last three weekends and as it is my Mum's 70th Birthday and followed by my 50th a few days later I will get strung up if I do. It will be nice to see my folks again, I haven't seen them since Christmas I think? Maybe we did go this year - I can't remember (Hey 50 year Mind meltdown has arrived).

As you can see I will soon be catching up to my Mum's age

When I was born I was a 20th of her age, when she was 30 I was a 1/3rd of her age, when she was 40 I was 1/2 her age, when she was 60 I was 2/3rds of her age and now I am 5/7ths of her age. So if we both hang around long enough I should eventually catch up and be the same age?

Maths wasn't my strong point at school.

Putting the brakes on

I find myself working all sorts of hours and at the strangest times, I have no real timetable except the regular eating, drinking, taking drugs (no not the mind bending ones) and just burning energy and enthusiasm.

I'm a right little dynamo. I guess that might all change next week when the BIG FIVE O hits. I worry that like my children's Hamsters, I will have this last three or four days of crazy activity before slumping knackered in my wheel at the end of the week, being wrapped in Kleenex - stuck in a shoe box and buried with my predecessors at the end of the Garden. Life is tough in Hamster town. You get a nice cross made out of lollipop sticks and they struggle to remember what actual day you were bought from the Pet Shop but you did well if you lasted over two years.

Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I ought to go to bed? Good idea.

Title Deeds

A Nice package arrived this morning. Confirms that mortgage is paid off and additionally the title deeds to the house were enclosed.

Cool - we actually own our house. We've been here 19 years this Sunday!! :-)

This is another one of those things that I can now tick off my list and say it is done, I no longer need to worry about that. There have been a few this year. I suppose I could put last year down as the worst in my life and that this year started off as being perhaps the next worst one :-). In fact, in a very strange way, I'm beginning to get my life back and things are coming under some form of control (I am saying this before speaking to the Doc after my blood test - perhaps I ought not to tempt fate).

Things that are beginning to go right:

House - finished that
Insurance - sorted out
Job - new exciting and demanding job
Health - cancer free, fitter, losing weight, blood pressure and other heart stuff under control
Holiday - after 2 years we get a break together
Head - Not nearly as angst ridden and tortured - back being an optimist
Family - everything seems to be much happier - the oppressive atmosphere (caused by the illness I reckon) gone
Treatment - Challenging stuff - stops recurrence - could totally eradicate this over time
Luck - the depth of this line ____ any deeper and it would have been so different.

So there you go - how to change your outlook and you way of thinking, putting it all together, counting your luck and blessings and valuing the days. The change in my demeanour in the past few months is amazing.

That was different

You never know with these treatments. At one point in time I felt really bad last night. It was just after I had eaten and it felt for all the world as if I desperately wanted to go to the toilet. Yet I knew that I had been a few minutes before. This sort of reaction I remember from my first flexible cystoscopy and from my first lot of treatment. It is a warning sign that you are about to get very sore indeed.

That wasn't wrong and I did start to feel most uncomfortable. The trick is to try and not go to the toilet as there isn't much to get out of your system and you really need to have something in your bladder to wash out the debris. I managed to get past this by going to bed and lying down and also by having some tablets.

I suppose for about an hour I was lying around - pain is probably too hard a word for this - constant stinging would probably be right. Again, it is uncomfortable but painful? Probably not.

I finally felt full enough to go and lo and behold there was a fair amount of debris that needed to come out. I was glad I had the experience to wait to achieve that. In the past it has been agony passing these bits without sufficient pressure to do it properly. It sounds awful but it isn't so bad.

I feel OK this morning - after the episode above I hung on until about 11 pm to go again and just laid in bed (this is a good ploy - I still tend to want to move around too much). That was fine, very little stinging but everything looked a little swollen and beaten up. This morning - well it isn't normal but I don't feel too bad and I'm up at a half reasonable hour of the day.

I'm in two minds whether to start having some pain killers when I stop drinking - two hours before treatment (or perhaps three) just to get myself ready. I'll see how next week goes. I have a feeling that I had this sort of reaction last time. I just need to go back over my notes and see if I am right. Certainly the second treatment of each course was the worst and yet I remember another one like this last time as well.

Kick the Bucket and other gems from the treatment room

Despite being a bad one we did have a bit of fun.

Whilst I was trying to get comfortable on the table the sharps bucket was nearly dislodged by my rather large trainers. I was still trying to get comfortable and told the nurse that I was having great difficulty getting set for her and that I didn't want to kick the bucket*.

She laughed and then suggested that I lie back and squeeze my balls! I hasten to add - these are my stress balls. The two nurses are really good at making you feel relaxed - let's face it you don't want any sudden moves when they are armed with a catheter now do you?







* UK slang for dying

Watney's Red Barrel

You must remember that - in the UK Watneys Red Barrel was a beer that was weak but you seemed to find it everywhere and it was pretty grim stuff to drink. Obviously somebody did as it was a best seller.

a bit of graffiti:

"If you think the bottom is falling out of your world, drink Watneys and watch the world fall out of your bottom!"

Which is exactly how I can describe tonight's episodes :-)

Whack - ouch - Whack Whack!! Ouch :-)

Oh boy - is this treatment ever beating me up. I'm just going to go to bed now but no major side effects (like the flu and the aching) but it really is stinging and being downright uncomftable.

No pain no gain I suppose. I know I'm going to be low tomorrow :-)

Here we go - treatment No.4

I am just about to go into my ritual for this lot of treatment. I've had an early lunch and stopped drinking at midday. Treatment is due at 2 - so far it hasn't happened on time except for week 1 when it was near enough. This week I should be first in the queue as the other two guys were on three shot maintenance. If all goes well then that is what I should be on I hope in November of this year.

This lot marks the beginning of the downhill stretch. 2/3rds of the way through the treatment and it will be 4 down and 2 to go. It is a funny old thing really. The next 24 hours are bizarre if you were to be a fly on the wall. I get the treatment get home and my wife has a kitchen timer she puts around her neck. I lie down on one side and after 15 minutes the timer goes and I hear "Turn over" which I do and so on for a hour. The timer brrring away every 15 minutes. At the end of that hour I have a piece of toast and I drink a glass of cranberry or some such stuff, some water and have two paracetamol and two ibuprofen. I then have a further hour lying around (roughly) and can then go to the toilet.

There the bizarre ritual of putting bleach in the toilet and keeping everything else scrupulously clean goes on for about 6 hours. Luckily we have a toilet downstairs as I try and keep this one off limits because the BCG is pretty nasty stuff by all accounts.

With that - I must go and get ready now.

Why drug companies do it?

I just noticed that one of my box of pills comes in 30 days supplies and the other in 28 days worth.

What is the point in that? Why can't they standardise on a particular amount - it completely throws trying to get everything synchronized - I suppose it helps those poor hard up drug companies by ensuring that I have to go to the pharmacy more often....

Another long day

I'm still excited with this job and all but wow what a long day today has been - I have a stack load of work to do and next to no time to do it,.

I'm enjoying the challenge of this new job - particularly I'm enjoying the idiots that you always get when you have a new and quite novel service and they just don't get it. Someone even fired off a major broadside about whether we had done our homework on the service. I don't mind but it was a totally unsubstantiated pile of smelly stuff and had no basis in fact. I did write back and explain the error of his thinking but it does annoy me that people who don't understand find that the best way to deal with it is to tell me that I haven't thought it through.

Most people who know me would tell you that it is the one thing I actually do. Ho hum, people no longer amaze me by how unbelievably stupid and thoughtless they can be. Better than that I really don't give a toss these days what anyone thinks - that is totally their business. Just don't expect me to be diplomatic anymore :-)

Either it is a sign of getting old or I really have had a shift in the way I deal with this. In the past I'd probably got wound up about it - now - it doesn't matter but I do like to fight my corner and do that no holds barred.