That can be a problem. Trying to find answers to things that may not need answers, trying to understand what you are going through. I know some people who just get on with everything and act as if nothing is there or happened and take it all as it comes.
Me - I like to try and work out what it is and why I am feeling a particular way and often why I should then be doing contrary to what I think I should be feeling. That's me - I think too much :-)
I thought the last couple of posts were interesting as they are the beginning of a change in me. I met someone Thursday and I said to them I was enjoying my job and they said "you can see that" and I do, it is a great job. I can see that light at the end of the Tunnel and I can feel myself changing and becoming more positive and more optimistic - it is most probably relief. Relief that the end is in sight, that this chapter is drawing to a close, that I am building the foundations of a career where I make a difference. Every time I do something, I am helping someone. Great feeling to be useful and valuable and to have that valued.
So - two things then, relief that the end is in sight, delight that the career, what I do most days is way beyond expectations and that all of that in turn is leading to a new beginning (in a way). The last two posts? Well perhaps you have to say goodbye to the "old you" and give it a good send off, have a wake and move on? I can't change what happened but I can get it off my mind, stop worrying about it as it is, after all history, and move on confidently to face the challenges, surprises and opportunities of the future.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Post Traumatic Stress and shock
I never gave myself an opportunity to grieve (if that is the right word) over the diagnosis of having cancer - I didn't lose a bit of my body but I took an almighty blow to my self confidence and I found out I was mortal. I realised I had probably been the architect of my own downfall and had reaped what I had sowed but I determined to do whatever I needed to do to combat and win against this.
Humour and self deception have got me through - let's face it, how can you see the positives in getting some of the treatments which really should shock you. You make a positive spin on it and of course that is the right thing to do. You know, like I only have six more treatments and one operation left to go and if clear then I can be in remission or whatever.
The previous post is all about the knowledge that he light is at the end of the tunnel. That I can see an end to this now, that I have to put up with this next lot of treatment, that perhaps I'll get some of my life back and that I may actually get over this fatigue and tiredness that claws away at me.
So I feel that the release I seek is more a case of actually having the emotions that perhaps I should have had 2 years ago and getting the whole thing off my chest. The release is just that, having lived with this for so long, to be able soon to say it has gone and I don't have it anymore or perhaps it is no longer a threat or perhaps that I can put it behind me and not think about it every day are the emotions I am going through now.
It will be a release and it is the release that I struggle with. There have been so many positives, it hardly seems possible that there is a down side but there must be, it IS a worry no matter what you say. You do fear for yourself and those around you. You do realise that you are mortal and you do have to come to terms with that as well and many of these things are presented to me when I am far too young to have expected to deal with them.
Anyway, whilst I still feel that there needs to be some sort of release of emotion somewhere, I still have no idea how it will manifest itself. I am beginning to enjoy life again although stamina is the one thing I could do with - I was out three or fours times this week and I feel it.
Survivor syndrome - perhaps - more delayed shock I feel, as if walking away from a huge wreck and wondering how on earth did I get out of that?
Humour and self deception have got me through - let's face it, how can you see the positives in getting some of the treatments which really should shock you. You make a positive spin on it and of course that is the right thing to do. You know, like I only have six more treatments and one operation left to go and if clear then I can be in remission or whatever.
The previous post is all about the knowledge that he light is at the end of the tunnel. That I can see an end to this now, that I have to put up with this next lot of treatment, that perhaps I'll get some of my life back and that I may actually get over this fatigue and tiredness that claws away at me.
So I feel that the release I seek is more a case of actually having the emotions that perhaps I should have had 2 years ago and getting the whole thing off my chest. The release is just that, having lived with this for so long, to be able soon to say it has gone and I don't have it anymore or perhaps it is no longer a threat or perhaps that I can put it behind me and not think about it every day are the emotions I am going through now.
It will be a release and it is the release that I struggle with. There have been so many positives, it hardly seems possible that there is a down side but there must be, it IS a worry no matter what you say. You do fear for yourself and those around you. You do realise that you are mortal and you do have to come to terms with that as well and many of these things are presented to me when I am far too young to have expected to deal with them.
Anyway, whilst I still feel that there needs to be some sort of release of emotion somewhere, I still have no idea how it will manifest itself. I am beginning to enjoy life again although stamina is the one thing I could do with - I was out three or fours times this week and I feel it.
Survivor syndrome - perhaps - more delayed shock I feel, as if walking away from a huge wreck and wondering how on earth did I get out of that?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Strange thing - a growing feeling
I really just want to go and have a really good cry somewhere and let it all out. I have been feeling this for a long time and I am thinking it is a release of some sort, I just want to get id of all the stuff that has built up and let it go and move on.
I think I have done it professionally - although I have a morbid interest in seeing my previous lot get fried at some time in the future.
This feeling though is different. I'm not a particularly emotional sort - my profile confirms that I am bit clinical and a bit of an "ice man" but right now, and for a few weeks, I feel the need for a complete release. The trouble is that I think it is going to be like a dam bursting and that I am going to completely crack up.
I don't particularly want to do this alone but I don't know who I should inflict it on either if you get my meaning? It is the most peculiar feeling - it is something that I can feel and am controlling. It is brimming under the surface but at the moment it gets to no more than a wet eye as I think about it.
Part of the healing process? Massive relief? Whatever it is, it needs to get out. I just need to understand what it is and to let it release without damaging me or those around me.
I think I have done it professionally - although I have a morbid interest in seeing my previous lot get fried at some time in the future.
This feeling though is different. I'm not a particularly emotional sort - my profile confirms that I am bit clinical and a bit of an "ice man" but right now, and for a few weeks, I feel the need for a complete release. The trouble is that I think it is going to be like a dam bursting and that I am going to completely crack up.
I don't particularly want to do this alone but I don't know who I should inflict it on either if you get my meaning? It is the most peculiar feeling - it is something that I can feel and am controlling. It is brimming under the surface but at the moment it gets to no more than a wet eye as I think about it.
Part of the healing process? Massive relief? Whatever it is, it needs to get out. I just need to understand what it is and to let it release without damaging me or those around me.
A Late one again
Not used to this getting late trains and getting home at 10 in the evening even if it is work related - absolutely knackered. Last 's fright with the debris hasn't recurred although there were some "bits" that fell out, at least I didn't get the "port" with them :-(
Thanks goodness that the BCG isn't until Monday week. Well I need to get to bed - I had an interesting late meeting and then bumped into some old and then some new friends!!!
Thanks goodness that the BCG isn't until Monday week. Well I need to get to bed - I had an interesting late meeting and then bumped into some old and then some new friends!!!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Oh Sh1t
I have had a great day at work and I was feeling a bi strange on the way home but got here and had a nice dinner and then my Nephew phoned and we went for a beer, which was nice. We beat USA at Soccer (we call it Football) and had a nice laugh a few serious bits and all that - so I went to the toilet and I am peeing lumps and scarlet! Twice. I haven't checked yet - I have just got home and taken a glass of water and a tablet.
I will check later and hopefully it will just be the odd scab dropping off.
I have my appointment to start BC - 9th June which is later than I thought but fits in better with everything else.
Now to tell myself that it is only 6 of these BCGs to go. I was originally expecting at least 12 so I can use some reverse Psychology here somehow - maybe :-)
I will check later and hopefully it will just be the odd scab dropping off.
I have my appointment to start BC - 9th June which is later than I thought but fits in better with everything else.
Now to tell myself that it is only 6 of these BCGs to go. I was originally expecting at least 12 so I can use some reverse Psychology here somehow - maybe :-)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The Days Flash By
These days - I can hardly believe that I've been to work today I was really hard at it all day and the poor old boss can't keep up. I've suggested that we sit down for 30 minutes and take stock tomorrow. That way I can get my next set of objectives and get cracking on those. I have an inter charity meeting tomorrow which I am going to enjoy.
They must be getting used to me as well as we had a bit of a laugh today about"my jewels" - I look after some medals - called jewels and said that "the light had gone out on my jewels" meaning the display light - they obviously took it to a different meaning altogether which was funny.
Anyway - happy as Larry as they say.
They must be getting used to me as well as we had a bit of a laugh today about"my jewels" - I look after some medals - called jewels and said that "the light had gone out on my jewels" meaning the display light - they obviously took it to a different meaning altogether which was funny.
Anyway - happy as Larry as they say.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Miserable Day
It is wet and windy and quite horrible outside. I'm sort of OK this morning - I had some more debris drop out of me overnight which was a little larger than I expected but it isn't anywhere near like Saturday's episodes - they were quite frightening.
I am getting on with the odds and ends I need to here to clear my desk. I realise that if I am going to be on treatment that it will knock me about and I will loose 2 days a week again - only for 3 weeks but I will need to be super clever with my timing as I have a number of things to accomplish.
Something I need to get used to at work. I completed those preliminary documents before I went into Hospital and no one has had the opportunity to read them yet!
I am getting on with the odds and ends I need to here to clear my desk. I realise that if I am going to be on treatment that it will knock me about and I will loose 2 days a week again - only for 3 weeks but I will need to be super clever with my timing as I have a number of things to accomplish.
Something I need to get used to at work. I completed those preliminary documents before I went into Hospital and no one has had the opportunity to read them yet!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Debris and fall out
Today was a strange day really as there was still the odd spot of debris followed by nothing then a load of debris and nothing and so on. I guess that this is just the scabs there is very little blood this time so just all the last bits dropping out.
I'm not as worried about this as I am getting used to the possibility that this is what is going to happen for a day of two whilst the final remnants of the scabs work their way out.
I am hoping that tomorrow I will get to sit down at my desk and do the work that I should have done yesterday and today. At least I won't have the excuse of having the motor racing and the golf stopping me!
Next weekend it is the local music festival which I hope to get along to at least one of the bands playing. I may well then be on Treatment - I wait to hear this week about that. At least if I am that ill get that out of the way and I can sort out holidays with the family.
I'm not as worried about this as I am getting used to the possibility that this is what is going to happen for a day of two whilst the final remnants of the scabs work their way out.
I am hoping that tomorrow I will get to sit down at my desk and do the work that I should have done yesterday and today. At least I won't have the excuse of having the motor racing and the golf stopping me!
Next weekend it is the local music festival which I hope to get along to at least one of the bands playing. I may well then be on Treatment - I wait to hear this week about that. At least if I am that ill get that out of the way and I can sort out holidays with the family.
Overnight OK
Apart from being up every 2 hours going to the toilet with the sheer amount of liquid I drank.
All is clear and has been since last night! Phew, worrying even though I knew what it was. Today is again going to be an easy day as I will just relax and take it easy. I have a stack of things to do but being hunched over my desk isn't going to make things right today.
It is really quite scary and alarming seeing blood and bits escaping your body but it is over again now. I tend to be OK with it when I know it is going to happen - post operative, post treatment but when it is out of the blue (so to speak) it is very alarming and very upsetting.
That will do for now. Have calmed down a bit and will rest up for the remainder of the day - thank goodness it didn't happen at work or last weekend.
All is clear and has been since last night! Phew, worrying even though I knew what it was. Today is again going to be an easy day as I will just relax and take it easy. I have a stack of things to do but being hunched over my desk isn't going to make things right today.
It is really quite scary and alarming seeing blood and bits escaping your body but it is over again now. I tend to be OK with it when I know it is going to happen - post operative, post treatment but when it is out of the blue (so to speak) it is very alarming and very upsetting.
That will do for now. Have calmed down a bit and will rest up for the remainder of the day - thank goodness it didn't happen at work or last weekend.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Got worse before it got better
Yuk, it was pretty bad the next time I went to the toilet and even though I guessed what was going on i was still disturbing and it actually made me feel ill and almost sick - I think that is just a natural reaction to the unnatural situation that it actually is.
The time after things had settled down and it was mainly debris that fell out and wasn't too bad and just a few minutes ago it was hardly noticeable. I have been drinking a lot of water and just sitting down which is the best thing to do. Off to bed now for some more rest and hopefully that will allow things to settle down.
I was on a call with a friend earlier and he invited e out n Monday week to a meeting and suddenly I realised (after saying yes) that I may not be able to go as I could be on treatment by ten! I hope to find that out next week.
Anyway, feeling OK now but these things are quite a shock and stark reminder of what it used to be like.
The time after things had settled down and it was mainly debris that fell out and wasn't too bad and just a few minutes ago it was hardly noticeable. I have been drinking a lot of water and just sitting down which is the best thing to do. Off to bed now for some more rest and hopefully that will allow things to settle down.
I was on a call with a friend earlier and he invited e out n Monday week to a meeting and suddenly I realised (after saying yes) that I may not be able to go as I could be on treatment by ten! I hope to find that out next week.
Anyway, feeling OK now but these things are quite a shock and stark reminder of what it used to be like.
Blood
I wasn't expecting that as I haven't been overdoing it - well maybe lifted a box yesterday but that was in the morning and it is early afternoon and I've been to the toilet a number of times today and this last one was a bit grim - although not dark blood (a little goes a long way).
So I am slightly disturbed by that and just taking it easy - I need to make sure that I am getting sufficient liquid through me but take it easy as well. I am not as worried about it as last time as I actually got the letter and the confirmation that all is OK so this is most probably the scabs coming off from the biopsies.
No matter what - it still the most unnatural thing you can imagine and even if you know that it is to do with the recovery it is still something that must be pre-programmed into out brains.
I watched the qualifying from Monaco and I am now watching the support race. Unfortunately I am not there this year!
So I am slightly disturbed by that and just taking it easy - I need to make sure that I am getting sufficient liquid through me but take it easy as well. I am not as worried about it as last time as I actually got the letter and the confirmation that all is OK so this is most probably the scabs coming off from the biopsies.
No matter what - it still the most unnatural thing you can imagine and even if you know that it is to do with the recovery it is still something that must be pre-programmed into out brains.
I watched the qualifying from Monaco and I am now watching the support race. Unfortunately I am not there this year!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Splat
I am so tired I can hardly believe it. Bed beckons - I have a pile of post to catch up on. But for now - sleep is the order of the day!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A weekend off - well almost
I cannot believe how much work I have to do to keep up with all my commitments. It used to be fine when I worked at home here for most of the time as I could fit an odd hour in here and there. Of course now travelling means that I tend to get in, have a coffee, sit down, have a meal and then try and answer about 50 e-mails and go to bed!
Phew - no wonder I hardly get anything done. The weekend is the Monaco Grand Prix - I was hoping to go this year but maybe next year. What will be nice is to know that I can get planning soon and decide on a holiday destination and can fill in my calendar.
So as it is bank holiday weekend I am planning to spend a day of that just catching up, it is going to be raining and miserable and windy so Sunday will be OK to watch the Grand Prix.
I'm feeling quite well and still feeling great about the result although somewhat subdued in terms of only a few of us have celebrated the fact. Next weekend sees the local music festival here which I hope to get out and see some of this year.
Phew - no wonder I hardly get anything done. The weekend is the Monaco Grand Prix - I was hoping to go this year but maybe next year. What will be nice is to know that I can get planning soon and decide on a holiday destination and can fill in my calendar.
So as it is bank holiday weekend I am planning to spend a day of that just catching up, it is going to be raining and miserable and windy so Sunday will be OK to watch the Grand Prix.
I'm feeling quite well and still feeling great about the result although somewhat subdued in terms of only a few of us have celebrated the fact. Next weekend sees the local music festival here which I hope to get out and see some of this year.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sinking in
It took me a while to let it sink in. I've been "cancer free" since about October last year really as that is when the biopsies were taken and in November I got the first clear. So that is 8 months already and if I have this lot of treatment and I am clear again that will be about 14 months or so roughly.
The relief of only having 6 treatments and 1 operation is palpable I can tell you! I was psyched up for the 12 more treatments and the 2 Operations and this is a big bonus. The regime has changed - it used to be for three years but the way they look at it now is if you do not recur then you can come off the treatment.
So there you have it - it is quite something and I am happy but not screaming around or anything - just inwardly very pleased with the way things are going. Now I need to sort out the remainder of my body - weight, blood pressure etc and I can look forward to a little bit longer a life than I thought I was going to have a few years ago.
Life is very good at the moment, I really enjoy my work, I am getting back my old self confidence and I am really getting on with the job I have as well.
I just need to know when they are starting my treatment and I can then plan out the whole thing - I reckon I will be in Hospital on the 16th December which is C's birthday - but maybe I'll be able to roll my recovery straight into the Christmas period!!
The relief of only having 6 treatments and 1 operation is palpable I can tell you! I was psyched up for the 12 more treatments and the 2 Operations and this is a big bonus. The regime has changed - it used to be for three years but the way they look at it now is if you do not recur then you can come off the treatment.
So there you have it - it is quite something and I am happy but not screaming around or anything - just inwardly very pleased with the way things are going. Now I need to sort out the remainder of my body - weight, blood pressure etc and I can look forward to a little bit longer a life than I thought I was going to have a few years ago.
Life is very good at the moment, I really enjoy my work, I am getting back my old self confidence and I am really getting on with the job I have as well.
I just need to know when they are starting my treatment and I can then plan out the whole thing - I reckon I will be in Hospital on the 16th December which is C's birthday - but maybe I'll be able to roll my recovery straight into the Christmas period!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sobriety - a Relative thing
Actually - I did have one more than I normally do but I am home, early, relatively sober and will be hitting bed in a minute.
I really can only partially explain how happy and elated I am at the moment. Ecstatic almost. I didn't expect to be quite so "unleashed" but it is such great news and when you prepare yourself for the worst (as you need to do in reality) and despite all the hope when you actually get good news you tend to be - well - rather pleased about it.
I really can only partially explain how happy and elated I am at the moment. Ecstatic almost. I didn't expect to be quite so "unleashed" but it is such great news and when you prepare yourself for the worst (as you need to do in reality) and despite all the hope when you actually get good news you tend to be - well - rather pleased about it.
ALL CLEAR AGAIN - YIPPEE
How about that - all clear, actually said that rather than no anomalies found. Fantastic, brilliant, really pleased - suddenly all the aches and pains go away.
Back on maintenance and here is the really interesting bit. If December's Operation proves clear - that is it - remission or whatever they call it these days!
I am so happy I could kiss the wife - oh no, maybe that is going tooooo far!
You may detect I am somewhat pleased with the outcome.
Back on maintenance and here is the really interesting bit. If December's Operation proves clear - that is it - remission or whatever they call it these days!
I am so happy I could kiss the wife - oh no, maybe that is going tooooo far!
You may detect I am somewhat pleased with the outcome.
Here we go and a new keyboard
Thank goodness for that a keyboard that does work! The last one was a false economy - I liked the idea of wireless until it didn't work properly.
Well - 10 minutes to go before I am off to the hospital. It is a bit more nerve wracking than I remember - I suppose last time I was hoping that it would be clear. This time I have been clear since November (or think I have) and so it is a bit worrying about what I am going to hear. It can't be all bad as I have already bee told it was looking OK. Of course, the microscope will tell.
This time last year it was precancerous and full on treatment, anyway, still a little nervous but hoping for the best which would be my friend BCG :-)
Well - 10 minutes to go before I am off to the hospital. It is a bit more nerve wracking than I remember - I suppose last time I was hoping that it would be clear. This time I have been clear since November (or think I have) and so it is a bit worrying about what I am going to hear. It can't be all bad as I have already bee told it was looking OK. Of course, the microscope will tell.
This time last year it was precancerous and full on treatment, anyway, still a little nervous but hoping for the best which would be my friend BCG :-)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Tired
I am absolutely cream crackered. Of course I need to realise that I went back to work and I had two full days over the weekend too. I also easily forget hat it isn't yet two weeks since I was in hospital.
I find that hard to believe - it seems so long ago. Anyway, not to worry. Tomorrow I will hear what the results are and I can then set course for the next part of my life!
I find that hard to believe - it seems so long ago. Anyway, not to worry. Tomorrow I will hear what the results are and I can then set course for the next part of my life!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Lovely Day
So nice to meet everyone again and so many people concerned about me and asking over my health and they were so pleased about the outcome. I have to say that a couple of times it was actually good to get reminded that last year I was not quite as well as this year - in fact I had CIS and the next batch of full treatment was being conducted. A year on meeting some of the people I hadn't seen since last year, they were pleased. One lady prays for me every week, I thanked her very much and I feel very humble that someone should take the trouble to do that, but we both agreed it must have been doing some good as I was looking pretty good compared to last year.
You tend to notice that. I cannot see the difference but those who don't see you regularly all say how well I look and that my whole persona is even better - well that is good.
On a sad note, Pepper, the Hamster, went to Pet Heaven yesterday. Just as I was going out I noticed he wasn't in his sleeping sawdust mound and looked in the cage and there he was, slumped in the corner. Now I had a little tear as Pepper was about 30 - or perhaps 34 months old and that is pretty good in Hamster terms and he has been a good little fella. He didn't bite, he was entertaining and I quite liked him (I am not a pet person at all really). He gave my daughter a lot of fun and responsibility and so I am grateful. However, I don't think or like to see any animal having to spend time in a cage and I really hope that it is the last animal to be treated that way. Again, there is something loose in me these days, recently, that doesn't find keeping an animal in whatever way that may be, justifiable. I wouldn't want to live my life in a cage and I don't like the idea of subjecting a small animal to that, even if it is a better life which I cannot imagine it is. I don't know why I feel like this these days, I just don't find it warranted and I feel it is bordering on the cruel.
You tend to notice that. I cannot see the difference but those who don't see you regularly all say how well I look and that my whole persona is even better - well that is good.
On a sad note, Pepper, the Hamster, went to Pet Heaven yesterday. Just as I was going out I noticed he wasn't in his sleeping sawdust mound and looked in the cage and there he was, slumped in the corner. Now I had a little tear as Pepper was about 30 - or perhaps 34 months old and that is pretty good in Hamster terms and he has been a good little fella. He didn't bite, he was entertaining and I quite liked him (I am not a pet person at all really). He gave my daughter a lot of fun and responsibility and so I am grateful. However, I don't think or like to see any animal having to spend time in a cage and I really hope that it is the last animal to be treated that way. Again, there is something loose in me these days, recently, that doesn't find keeping an animal in whatever way that may be, justifiable. I wouldn't want to live my life in a cage and I don't like the idea of subjecting a small animal to that, even if it is a better life which I cannot imagine it is. I don't know why I feel like this these days, I just don't find it warranted and I feel it is bordering on the cruel.
You look well
Yes indeed, nice to hear that isn't it? Lots of people I haven't seen for a few months and some I haven't seen for a year were saying that last night. No doubt that will also be today at our annual lunch for which the sun is out (it nearly always is on this particular day - thank goodness).
It is nice to hear that people actually think you look well or you're very positive and all that. I am sure it is the job as well. I really do enjoy it and I even got paid for last month. In fact I got paid last month, more than I got paid for the whole of last year! From a charity - oh the irony :-)
anyway, we had a great day out at our Lodge meeting it was first class and a great meal afterwards. We only have 4 meetings a year - we now get 6 months off and so it will be dreary November the next time we meet. Mind you I have other meetings to go to as I belong to other Lodges as well and so my year doesn't finish until July. I have a big meeting in June and one in July and I think that is it.
It is nice to hear that people actually think you look well or you're very positive and all that. I am sure it is the job as well. I really do enjoy it and I even got paid for last month. In fact I got paid last month, more than I got paid for the whole of last year! From a charity - oh the irony :-)
anyway, we had a great day out at our Lodge meeting it was first class and a great meal afterwards. We only have 4 meetings a year - we now get 6 months off and so it will be dreary November the next time we meet. Mind you I have other meetings to go to as I belong to other Lodges as well and so my year doesn't finish until July. I have a big meeting in June and one in July and I think that is it.
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