Post Traumatic Stress and shock

I never gave myself an opportunity to grieve (if that is the right word) over the diagnosis of having cancer - I didn't lose a bit of my body but I took an almighty blow to my self confidence and I found out I was mortal. I realised I had probably been the architect of my own downfall and had reaped what I had sowed but I determined to do whatever I needed to do to combat and win against this.

Humour and self deception have got me through - let's face it, how can you see the positives in getting some of the treatments which really should shock you. You make a positive spin on it and of course that is the right thing to do. You know, like I only have six more treatments and one operation left to go and if clear then I can be in remission or whatever.

The previous post is all about the knowledge that he light is at the end of the tunnel. That I can see an end to this now, that I have to put up with this next lot of treatment, that perhaps I'll get some of my life back and that I may actually get over this fatigue and tiredness that claws away at me.

So I feel that the release I seek is more a case of actually having the emotions that perhaps I should have had 2 years ago and getting the whole thing off my chest. The release is just that, having lived with this for so long, to be able soon to say it has gone and I don't have it anymore or perhaps it is no longer a threat or perhaps that I can put it behind me and not think about it every day are the emotions I am going through now.

It will be a release and it is the release that I struggle with. There have been so many positives, it hardly seems possible that there is a down side but there must be, it IS a worry no matter what you say. You do fear for yourself and those around you. You do realise that you are mortal and you do have to come to terms with that as well and many of these things are presented to me when I am far too young to have expected to deal with them.

Anyway, whilst I still feel that there needs to be some sort of release of emotion somewhere, I still have no idea how it will manifest itself. I am beginning to enjoy life again although stamina is the one thing I could do with - I was out three or fours times this week and I feel it.

Survivor syndrome - perhaps - more delayed shock I feel, as if walking away from a huge wreck and wondering how on earth did I get out of that?