Pah!

I used to have a small poster on my desk at work and it ran along the lines of "Each and Every Day I am Forced to Add Someone to this List of People Who P1ss Me OFF!!!"  And there was a list that I could continue to add to and it went over one sheet.

Today, a chat with my business partner and we sort of agreed that we have to deal with a hell of a lot of idiots and "small" people.  This is upsetting as it appears that 95% of the people I have to deal with are just parochial, small and narrow minded f*** wits.  I thought Friday was a case in point where I'd developed a method for ensuring customer satisfaction and they still were having problems so I asked whether they were using my system.  They were.  So I was surprised that they were still having problems until another question weeded out the fact that they were only using half of it (that suited them) and that they were leaving out the customer satisfaction stuff.  No - they didn't get the irony of that at all.  They had read without understanding and cherry picked the bits that suited them ignoring the customer facing stuff.  No doubt it was too difficult or didn't seem valuable and yet it was the constant in their current difficulties.  Which was also Ironic as they told me they were having these problems and yet after 30 or 40 minutes they didn't have those problems at all.

Is it any wonder that I feel down when I spent a long time doing something to tackle a problem they had 6 or 7 years ago only for them to go back to the same mess they were in back then?  Sometimes you can't believe the people at the top who run these organisations.

So I'm feeling a bit annoyed that so many people want to resolve their problems and you come up with a way of doing it and they don't want to do it!  Many times this comes at the expense of the people who work there who lose their jobs over this management inaction or unwillingness to tackle the problems they have.  On a similar note it was interesting to see one of the businesses we know quite well on TV last night demonstrating how good their stuff was for the Olympics.  A colleague won them the business and his reward was to get shafted by the business who just saw the £s & $s in their eyes.  They finished on time (a miracle) but, and here's the rub, they haven't got any business to speak of from here on.  They put it all into delivering this and as they got rid of the sales guy, they have no pipeline.  HELLO!!!!  We all know where that's heading.

So I feel a bit angry and a bit down about this at the moment, I've all these strategic skills and planning etc are my forte but hell, why do I have to keep meeting and working with such people. They don't garner respect, they only listen to the bit they want to listen to, they are completely up themselves and have no real vision or interest.  Arggghhh, sometimes you just despair!

It doesn't help my well-being or my self-esteem much and I'm just having to get to terms with this frustration at having to talk to these idiots all the time.  Yes - of course it could be me :-)  I thought it was amusing once again on Friday when the chap implied that as I hadn't done their sort of work for 6 years that the work I'd done running the business and also in the charity weren't relevant?  I suggested to him that perhaps managing a company also meant that he couldn't do it either and that he would have forgotten how to do accounts as that's where he had come from beforehand?  It's exactly because I have this level of experience that I can be parachuted into companies and sort them out.  Oh what the heck.

I just need to get over the disappointment - Lord knows I had enough of it with the team for the last venture who didn't come along and commit?  I should know by now, everyone for themselves.    

The Dog - that frightened whoever or

whatever was outside - I tell you it frightened me and I was resting quite nicely in my office when the dog, here on a 3 day visit - an ex guard dog, Clyde the Rottweiler is actually a bit of a cutey pie and a little bit shy but whatever drifted past the front door got a bit of a shock :-)

L and her friends are out "clubbing" in London tonight - not sure what time they'll get home but I imagine the dog might make a sound on that one too.

I'm not feeling great again today I was all wound up ready to do the bathroom but that's on hold and I'm trying to get myself motivated to do some accounts and to sort out my plans for a new business or to go work somewhere but once again I just find myself battling with these demons and whether I really want to go back into full time employment, run my business or start a new one or to perhaps do something a bit different.  I'll have another think tomorrow and see if I get anywhere.

False start - totally messed up week

The best laid plans and all that.  It was good that the Plasterer called and halted me ripping out the bathroom but as you might imagine the house is ready to go, I have two rooms full up with tiles, bathroom hardware, wood, screws, drills, diamond saws and so on.  I'm sitting here after having a listen to my Isles of Wonder CD, wonderful memories.  But then I'm really stuffed and I had my days all planned out.

Now as a Project Manager I should have had a contingency plan(s) worked out and indeed I did have if it was a one or two day delay but now it could be longer and everything is up in the air.  It's a pain but can't be helped I suppose.  I'm working out what I can get tucked into and know that I may start something only to drop that when the bathroom comes back into being again.

With any idea of working with my old company dashed on Friday, I find myself wondering what I might do from here on in.  It is difficult to analyse it all at the moment and I was at one time convinced that I'd be able to get back into the special area that I'd developed with my old company, especially having "written the book" for them.  It was amusing, looking back, that they couldn't get customer "buy in" but then they quite gleefully showed me that they were only using the first three steps in the 6 step process I had championed.  Needless to say, the last 3 steps are all about the customer experience, "buy in" and follow on work, the areas they struggle with :-)  You can't make it up sometimes!

I've got my cystoscope to come in a few weeks time and the results of my CT Scan and so that will be a milestone of some significance I hope.  I'm back to questioning it all again and that's because I've lost my focus today - just when I was ready to go and get stuck into renovating my bathroom.  Now that's not going to start for sometime, I'm sort of drifting along again.  I've found something I can do, not exciting but nevertheless it should occupy me for a day or so.  I've only one more set of accounts to complete and I've done most of the Donkey work but now need to sort out the balance sheet which isn't looking great.  I can't quite see why it doesn't balance but just need to knuckle down to it and spend some time double checking it.  I can then get the auditors in.  I also need to get my other auditors in for the other accounts.  With the dining room table groaning under all my tools and equipment it will be interesting to find a flat spot to sit down and review them :-)

Early morning call

Bad news is that Mr. Plasterer now isn't coming - he has some problems and his mother isn't at all well and a call overnight from the Hospital got him to call me early to make sure I didn't strip out the bathroom.  Have to say whilst I'm disappointed about that at least it wasn't a call once I had stripped everything out!  I'm getting minor grief about that already and it hasn't happened yet!

I was hoping to do that this week as a bit of a distraction.  

Yay - Olympics

Mr. Bean in the opening ceremony, Eric Idle in the closing - who'd have thought it....

Well, what can I say?  A few dissenters wanted a lot more music at the end but then again we had plenty in the beginning - a good games and full houses and lots of support for all the athletes.  

Got the call that Mr. Plasterer is coming in on Wednesday morning to do the bathroom so delivered the bad news to the family.  After showers tomorrow morning it's no more home comforts until at least Saturday if not Sunday depending on how well I can remember waht I used to do 30 years ago :-)

Feeling OK about this - I need an "outlet" for myself for a short while.

Am I unemployable?

Sounds strange but I realised that yesterday was one of those days where someone who had a title and ran a business (good for him) did not match up to the respect that I gave them on first meeting them.  By that I mean that I have a healthy respect for authority and I always start by demonstrating that.  Some people mistake that side of me as weakness and yesterday, listening to this chap rattling on I realised that this wasn't the meeting of two like minded individuals.  In fact this was that typical "British" and sometimes "French" 1970s industrial revolution type Us and Them attitude.

I find that way of dealing with people totally out of my orbit.  I do find myself doing it but only after I've got to the end of my patience with someone.  You have to go out of your way to do that.

So this guy was never wrong and had no problems and the issues we talked about weren't happening.  Which is a bit strange as I know they are and that was why I was there so once I started to stretch my legs a bit and demonstrate my bona fides it was quite amusing.  All that happened was it became an entrenched discussion, no matter what I tried to do, there was no space to do anything so I just went on the attack and replayed the issues that had got the company into trouble in the first place (the growth issues that they are having now) and of course I also reversed out as who would want to work with people who don't understand the value you bring to the table.

This threw up a worrying trend in the way that I deal with this sort of stuff.  I don't actually care.  I didn't care whether I got this gig or not.  If I had, I would have done well for them, as it is, they don't feel they need to do anything and that's OK too.  In fact I left them saying it was nice to meet them and that I was glad that they were able to manage on their own (not exactly those words).  Whilst I might get upset at the way people deal with me, it underlines a bigger problem - one that I've always had - and that is people need someone like me to get things done but they really don't like the way I get things done.  Not that I'm difficult to work with but I do get my own way and I do get jobs done and obstacles are removed and if that's people, well so be it.   Everyone wants a "Strong" manager until that is they actually get one - suddenly they find that the medicine is too bitter.  I am almost sure that I'm "unemployable" these days mainly because the interviewer soon finds themselves out of their depth or digging themselves into a hole.  If they did 5 minutes preparation it would help.  I suppose though no one likes to meet someone (like me) who is brandishing a copy of their latest accounts and share holder details and starts to ask difficult questions.

Oh well, back to the drawing board (do they still use them?) and onwards and upwards.

Bitterly Disappointed but not Unexpected

I could see that one of the guys needed me to come back and sort out the problems.  The other guy didn't know me, hadn't done his homework and played a series of - well - how shall I say this?  Stupid cards.  Some crass questions were asked, they hadn't read what I'd told them to and they told me all the reasons that they were doing well and at the same time all of the reasons that they'd never be a great business.  

Suddenly it dawned on me that this lovely company I knew and loved hadn't really made the massive industry jump they'd predicted because they'd dumbed down when they needed to step up and understood the value of what they had.  This made for an interesting "difference of opinion" about the value proposition and why they'd asked me in, in the first place!

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, I was very down about it for a while until I realised that this IS the way it is going to be from now on.  I'm hoping not to sound too vain but I think I've been around enough major businesses and programs to know a thing or two.  I thought it was funny that this "young guy" started questioning my credentials and within a few moments I'd blown him away with the global work I'd done and the major businesses I'd worked for.

I did though, after a few minutes, go for the jugular and it was obvious he had no job available, that he wanted "something for nothing" and hadn't bothered to check me out.  He was a bit disturbed when I suggested that the way they had allocated the shareholding would make it a bit difficult for major businesses to deal with them especially as there was £2 of called up....

So I came home, grabbed a six pack of beers and spent the afternoon and evening feeling very down.  I really wanted to go and make a difference to these guys, I have good karma with them (or did have).  I'd always warned them that they were a tiny technology business tucked down the end of a country lane in the wilds of Yorkshire.  Today, they proved that they still are stuck in that rut they were in 6 years ago.  Of course I wish them well but they showed no signs of wanting to go and tackle the big boys.  What a waste.

As for me - well - that's taken out another avenue for me but I'll bounce back over the weekend.  I'm disappointed but not surprised by this.  I really have come a very long way in 6 years..

Excited maybe

I'm looking forward to meeting up tomorrow with these guys from my old company which has now transformed a fair bit since I was last there.  It's an interesting time going back to where I was quite happy albeit where I also had some insight into what was coming down the line.  It's one of those jobs where they get you in for your experience and background and for your strong management skills and then don't actually listen to you properly or consciously ignore your advice.

That said, I departed on good terms and did a fair amount of work but it appears that the work I did do wasn't implemented or perhaps because not one of the original team remain, it has gotten lost in the system and is gathering dust on some hard drive somewhere.  This is an opportunity to resurrect that work and to get involved again with them.

I'm certain that it will be a good discussion anyway as I know exactly what problems these guys will be having which was why I was brought into the business in the first place and then, having got there, I got bladder cancer.  Unbelievably that was 6 years ago!  By the time I was back to working again I was a bit of a mess and had lost my confidence and had lost control of my place on the greasy pole that was the "politics" of the job.  It appears though that the new management and owners have put in some sensible people and that they now have a stable organisation that needs some decent people back into build it.  I sense an opportunity to get back to what I really enjoyed and what I did really well and I always did describe it as my dream job as I was able to bring all my experience to bear.  Sounds familiar to an earlier post about what to do next?  It sure does.

Strange how the disappointment from one situation led to me asking a question which led back to a position that I was in 6 years ago.  Life can be pretty surreal sometimes.. 

Fine line between happiness and being down

I pulled a blog earlier on this week as it was very glum and downbeat and was full of doubt and was one of those written in the depths of feeling very down and at that point where you don't see a way out and you feel that everything is stacked against you.

Today I'm totally on the other end of the scale, I'm going to be talking to some people whom I can make a huge difference to their business and I'll be able to re-do (by the sounds of it) the stuff I originally started to do for them.  That will be a challenge but a good one.

Of course this too could go wrong but let's see what happens.  I have the opportunity to have a good discussion with them tomorrow and see where we go from there.  

This is typical of the swings of mood I get (or have had since Bladder Cancer) and it's just one of the things I have to deal with constantly.  At least this time, I know the people, understand the problems they have and know how to deal with it.  

Good a meeting on Friday

It's going to be a bit bizarre if you think about it.  In May 2006 I got the job I'd always wanted in a company that I'd always wanted to work for and then a month or two later - BANG - along came Mr. Bladder Cancer to knock the wind out of my sails and ultimately it, together with some people who I did warn had over-estimated the business pipeline, served to make me redundant.  It was an obvious thing to do and I held no grudge about it as it did mean that others kept their jobs - you may have to look at blogs from January 2007 onwards to see this.  

Well, it looks as if things have turned around fully and I find myself back in discussions with them once again and having the same conversations I had in April 2006 about how the products and the services could be improved.  This will be interesting as I did a hell of a lot of work on this at the time and it appears that the problems we discussed then are now coming home to roost as the business picks up.  Unfortunately of those who used to be there that I know of, many are abroad, retired and one superb chap died of Brain tumour - so sad, he was a remarkable person.  Others have set up other businesses and so I'm probably one of the only people left around who has the background to do this.  

It's funny how stuff like this comes around as I was pretty upset, if I'm being frank here, about the awful way my application was dealt with for the other job, especially given who they were and their supposed professionalism.  This came about from a flippant email I sent which just asked whether they were interested in discussing me getting involved again - they did say they were but not much had happened so I thought I'd ask the question.  

Nice to see I've got an interview / meeting on Friday and managed to get middle of the day to miss the Olympic rush.  At least I'll see if there is anything concrete in this.  It would be good if there was as I enjoyed the challenge last time and it was mainly my illness that stopped things happening and me not being able to identify some of the silly stuff that was going on whilst I was away from the office.

I delivered my urine sample to the Hospital and had a look in to the blood samples area but it was hot and full of people so I decided I can do that another day and had a few coffees with Flocky Bicep which was, as always, quite pleasant.  It makes my mum laugh as she thinks I am going out for "Girlie Coffees".  I suppose that is quite a strange thing to do to many older people.

DInk - the game changes once again

I thought this morning, what the hell, I'll just fire off a speculative email about a job that someone suggested to me a month or two back that I thought had gone.  It's part time, it pays reasonably well and it is something I enjoy doing.  I got an email straight back and a meeting on Friday.  The trouble was that I was expecting the plasterer on Thursday and Friday but he luckily cannot attend until next week which means that I can have the chat on Friday after all.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained so to speak.  I know that there will be bits of the job I won't like but, if it is anything like I used to have, there was enough flexibility to arrange suitable meeting dates, ability to work from home and many other things.  In fact, it was my dream job, the one I had when I got Bladder Cancer.  Except that this time, I can probably do part time, freelance work which will suit them and me.

So that pleased me and frightened me all at the same time.  I imagine Friday will be a bit hectic up in town but I've suggested late morning which will keep me away from the crush.

I'm meeting up with Flocky tomorrow for a coffee and will go via the Hospital to drop in a urine sample and if the Phlebotomy department is open and there are no queues I shall have my bloods done at the same time.  Mind you, only if there is time - at least I'm not on a fasting one which is a pain in the backside as you have to wait ages for a test first thing in the morning.   Last time I did one I got in trouble for overdoing the fasting - so I complained about the amount of time you have to spend waiting around.  It's easier to starve and go in lunchtime but it doesn't appear to do much good for your results which needed re-doing.

Anyhow, things look a little interesting with this possibility on the horizon.  Looks like the bathroom may not be under way this week which is sort of OK excepting that L returns from holidays and so next week will be "interesting" as she is also bringing back a dog to stay for a while.  When I say dog, it is a Rottweiler which fits large mammal in my book.  I don't like dogs, or cats for that matter and so I'm keeping well out of the way.

Square One

It's a strange thing but I'm right back to the beginning again.  I wasn't successful in the job I went for but you tend to know when it wasn't a "real" job as the reply was disrespectful and they obviously hadn't read through the CV etc. properly as they hadn't referenced it (like you would).

That's now brought me back to where I was before and that's hating the idea of working for anyone other than myself ever again.  I just find that the people you have to deal with are sh1t and no one really deals with people in a nice way any more.  

The trouble is that I'm dithering about what to do.  There's lots of fanciful ideas and the chance to go do something that's more "lifestyle" than working like a "slave".  I need to consider the options or should I say reconsider them as I did start off doing this and got distracted by the possibility of a job elsewhere.  That has soured my outlook or in reality just brought it back to me how much I abhor working for people who don't really care about you.  

Doing some work

I sorted out the downstairs WC door lock - it's been needed to be sorted for a couple of years.  I took me a little while as it was slightly larger than the old imperial one that was fitted and I also needed to do one for the bathroom I'm refurbishing.  I'm going to wait until the room is almost finished though and I might need to remove the door to take off a little to get over the new tiles I'm putting in.

So that's the morning sorted and I'm trying to work out whether there's anything left I can do before I get the nod from the plasterer.  Then, and only then, can I get cracking and take out the bath/shower, WC and Basin and cap off the services.  

Goodness me

Well - another crazy day at the Olympics and more to cheer again today.  


Not for me though, I'm getting quite tetchy and somewhat annoyed with explaining why - if I'm renovating the bathroom I need to take everything out to allow the Plasterer to do his thing and that will take 2 days.  It will mean that they wont have a shower/bath available for around 5 days (I reckon) as I need to put in a new floor and that needs to settle and dry and then put in the bath.  Even then it wont have tiles sorted out either.  I suppose these days people are used to things just happening.  The best bit was asking me to delay it which is impossible as it's taken me months to arrange the plasterer and everything revolves around his commitments not mine.


The trouble is that I'm getting annoyed by all this and perhaps I just ought to rise above it but certainly I seem to be having a sense of humour failure - not sure if that is about not getting the job (or even an interview) or maybe it is the upcoming scope.  Maybe it is something else.  I pulled a blog post last night about how I'm feeling and it's not a great place.  

What a Day

The Olympics - what a day - 6 Golds but what an advert for the UK and London.  I don't think I've felt quite so emotional as watching today's athletes.  Mind you I do hate this sticking microphones under people's noses when they haven't performed well or asking crass questions.  

However, it has been a brilliant success so far and it promises to get better tomorrow too.  Yes we ought to be rightly proud of the achievements and it is just great to see things coming together.  Let's hope the rest of the world thinks that the games really are excellent.  I have to say the "style" and "design" must be admired alongside the volunteers.


So good was the opening ceremony that I ordered the CD today - it hasn't got all the tunes on but it has the tunes by Underworld and others....


Very pleased with the Games so far...

I know what it is

It is disrespectful to send out a standard letter that doesn't even have your name on it or referencing the effort made and so on.  I wouldn't do it and I find it disrespectful that someone else considers this is acceptable.


I've now received all the materials I need now to do the bathroom so I'm double checking my lists and materials and making sure that everything is in order for me to start.  

That Figures then

Got a non committal response to the job application a thanks but no thanks one and it sort of suggests to me that once again it was a bit of a fix up but they had to go through the process.   I sort of guessed that it might be so and that is fine as it will allow me to get on and do some more stuff now.  I can at least get on with home improvements without worrying about whether the job comes along or not and I also got my appointment through for the end of August, a nice early 9 am appointment which is great for me.


I'm beginning to address other issues too including whether I want to continue working on my own business or do something else and if I do, what I'd do for a living.  I know my price now (or the one that I was happy to settle for for the last job).  I wonder then if I can work out a way of moving on that.  I'm not completely settled on what I want to do though as I can't seem to work out what is going on here at present.  By that I mean that with Mrs. F. and A working full time it sort of puts some pressure on (whether perceived or otherwise) and Monday to Friday around here is pretty miserable - sure I'll have 2 weeks work ahead of me to do the bathroom and that will be nice but at the same time it's the "we're tired, we've been out to work" shit that I find annoying.  I mean for most of their lives what the hell was I doing?  No one wants to talk and I'm getting the arsey answers to standard questions.  However, knowing how precise I like to be I do correct the answer.  Here's one.  I go to find the family calendar.  It isn't there.  "Where is the calendar?" I then listen to 5 minutes of bollocks about why it isn't there, how something has happened and eventually I find out that it is in the living room.  So I gently suggest that the original question was where is the calendar? And that the answer is, in the living room.  It's simple really.  However, every question, every courtesy query (how are you) is met with a story so long that isn't even on subject that it is beginning to really piss me off.


I find this level of drivel pretty difficult to live with.  I ask a question about something and I get an answer about whether I want the car tomorrow????  WHAT?  I only asked whether I could phone up the local builders merchant and how had they found them.  This sort of obfuscation really doesn't suit my temperament at all well.  The problem is that it just makes me worse and I can play this game until the cows come home.  However, I've tried on two no make that three occasions tonight to sort this out and no one has the will to do it.  When they want to get bloody minded, they do.  It's a full moon so maybe that's it?  It's like another simple thing - I need to get some ironmongery sorted out for the doors and you'd have thought I was going to demolish the house and re-build it.  It really is simple - what door handle do you like?  By the time we'd finished we'd discussed everything but the bloody door handle.  


Anyway - a bad night and we are out tomorrow so I just hope that things get a little better.  I need to finish off my ordering and get the wood from the merchants (No I don't need a car to make a telephone call!!!!!) and just get it sorted.  At least I know what I am doing this next few weeks.

You have to laugh

It's a strange thing.  For 7 years we've been told that the Olympic games would cause travel chaos and that we should stay away from London.  Businesses have heeded the warning of impending Armageddon and have allowed staff to work from home.  Anyone with any sense has heeded the dire warnings and gone away on holiday or taken holiday and with all the warnings of travel chaos people are staying away.  


Now, after a few days, London is like a ghost town (they'd have us believe) and unsurprisingly most of the tourists are at the Olympic venues and not in Oxford Street spending their cash.  Hotels haven't sold enough rooms as business trips are down.  So apparently businesses that rely on workers and also for tourists are suffering - amazing considering they've only had a few days of Olympic trading :-)  You can't make it up can you?  


And another thing - the news.  It appears that for 2 weeks every 4 years, nothing happens in the rest of the world.  So after being maxed out with 4 hours of Olympics, the news comes on and they - repeat word for word the closing phrases of the Olympics.  they then do 20 minutes of, yes, you've guessed it, Olympics and then the rest of the world's news is crammed into the next 5 minutes..... :-)  It is a joke.


On the personal front I have to say I'm struggling with stuff at the moment - I'd like to get going with the bathroom to get some attention on a project.  Without a job I'm still considering my options, still no news from the job I've applied for - almost 2 weeks now.  I've spoken about another project I could get on and do in the interim, that's a possible but I'm just struggling with what to do next.  

Stuff Arriving

For my bathroom project.  The flexible pipes have arrived this morning and I have all the taps, bath, shower kit, WC and basin etc.  I have yet to build the units but I will do that when the Plasterer is here which will give me something to concentrate on.  I have a lot of work to do as the bathroom wasn't really installed to a high quality and has leaked regularly and I've only been able to patch it up in the past.  The floor needs fixing down, the whole room needs plastering and the ceiling needs redoing too.  


It's been a few years since I tackled a bathroom but I used to do these for people in a weekend as a job on top of my day job.  As an electrician I was trained in plumbing and carpentry and strangely enough you pick up lots of tips and tricks with other tradesmen on site.  I'm looking forward to getting stuck into it though and the tiles, bathroom furniture etc look great as separates and I reckon it will look great when finished.


I've had to splash out on some tools to do the job as I've no idea where my old ones have got to.    I've probably lent them to someone and never got them back or they just never made it to this house from the old one.  Whatever, I have new tools to do the job and I'm glad that I'll have the right tools to do it as trying to force the wrong tool to do the job would just mess things up.  SO I have a nice tile cutter and a circular saw for the work I need to do to the worktops and cupboards.

Where's my appointment?

The sort of thing that only I could think about as I walked back from my meeting earlier.  Where is my next appointment for my flexible cystoscopy check?  I'm sure it should have been in July although I had the CT Scan a little later (I can't remember when).  I suppose if I've not heard soon I ought to chase that up.  Not that it is the sort of thing you'd actually want to go and do regularly but needs must, I need them for the rest of my life but I suppose that it isn't so bad a thing that I'm being checked up like this and regularly so that, in case there is a recurrence, they can sort it out pronto.


I realise that I'm back into a bit of a low again.  Not surprising I suppose after all the happenings of the past month or more.  Life is sort of settled but I'm still not sure what I want to do with myself.  The job I've gone for has all gone quiet.  The thing I was doing at lunch time really needs some other people to do the hard bit - talking to people on the phone which I do find difficult in certain circumstances.  


Jazz night tomorrow - first one for a while and a chance to wind down.  I'll probably cheer up afterwards but I'm now recognising this pattern of feeling down more often than I have for a while.  Maybe I need to get focussed and sort stuff out or hear about the job or anything.  It's a bit disconcerting but I'm sure I'll work my way through it or out of it.  

Lunch Meeting

Having a chat about the work I did for my friend's business.  I did this before dad died so at least 6 weeks ago.  It has all gone a bit quiet now but we need to pick up on the plans I wrote up and where to go from here.  It is a bit difficult to quantify because there are other considerations for me.  It isn't my sort of job - or at least part of it isn't.


It will be good to get out of the house and have a few hours thinking about work and where it can go from here.  The trouble is that it isn't for me but the management and planning are so that's the interesting conundrum to unpick.


It would be nice to get a few £s into the business though but I'm not sure that it will be a life changing event :-)

Letting Go

Dad was very explicit about not wanting a gravestone, plaque or any other thing or memorial.  He didn't want people coming to lay flowers on birthdays and anniversaries or having a marked spot.  He just wanted us to get on with it, no sentimentality and for us to move on.  That's fine by me, it is how I think (unsurprisingly) and of course, as you may have guessed I'm pretty much like him in many ways.


It always surprises me how people will go and sit for hours by a grave talking to someone who isn't there, celebrating birthdays many years afterwards.  I suppose it is OK to mark them or think of them but find it a little disturbing to publish stuff in newspapers, stick a posting on Facebook etc.  I'm one for getting on with my life and don't get it.  It always seems a strange thing to do to me.


I'm not being disrespectful rather more that you probably need to get on with your own life.  I understand that there is a process to go through and that it may never be completely healed but it shows a certain amount of insecurity surely that you wouldn't want to move on?

Motivation

It is pretty hard to get started this morning, I've opened up some accounts I need to sort out and they look as dry as sawdust.  I will just have to work my way through it and tackle the drudgery of it all.  I am normally OK about doing things but procrastination is a problem especially when I have time on my hands.  When I'm pressured I find that I work a lot better as I make good use of my time.  When I have time to fill I use Parkinson's Law, which sort of states that "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."


I'm itching to get under way with the bathroom an I'm waiting to hear if I have an interview.  I'm trying with that to put it behind me in a way to suggest that it wont happen.  Knowing my luck it will all kick off together.  That would be Murphy's Law :-)

A Nice Sunday

Today was a good day and it was nice to just sort some bits out and then take a lazy afternoon of sport as there were some pretty heavy thunderstorms overhead.  I've got almost everything I need to do the bathroom now apart from a start date from the Plumber.  I have ordered just about everything needed to dismantle, make safe and install the new stuff.

I hope to hear, one way or the other, about the job this week.  It would be nice to know whether there is a job or not.  That will help me sort out the chores (or not) too.  I've taken a neutral view this time about it.  I'd like to get an opportunity for the job and it would be great but if it isn't there it will make me go and think about something else to do.  Either way I'm cool about it.

Journalists are they the lowest form of life?

I've said it before but I do find this dumbed down reporting annoying.  Of course an Athlete is going to be disappointed but please be nice to them and stop asking the bleeding obvious.  How about letting the poor people actually get their breath before asking them why they didn't win a gold medal?  How about a little sensitivity and asking them for their evaluation not telling them what, in your jaundiced, self-centred, win everything at an cost, childish and downright disrespectful attitude YOU thought was wrong.  Mark Cavendish should have smashed one of these leeches on society in the face for the way they spoke to him and for the disrespect they showed.  Most journalists only exercise is lifting a glass of Merlot to their lips, swallowing it and hoping their stomachs use enough calories digesting it to keep them active!  Pratts the lot of them, there's not one who has earned the right to talk to the Athletes they way they do they should be ashamed of themselves but are too soak fuelled and full and too full of their own self importance to bring the games to life.


HELLO - it isn't about you, presenters, has beens, B class people of notoriety, journalists, you are there to link and present the greatest athletes in the world to the audience.  It's about them and it will never be about you and your stupid, anal, attention seeking camera hogging.  


So thought I'd start Sunday with a rant :-)  Either I'm turning into someone slightly to the Right of Attila the Hun, or I'm speaking sense.  Whatever it is, I find myself fuming at the inane standards that we have these days.  There are so many things we do well in this country but this dumbing down and treating people disrespectfully has got to stop.   One Journo, at midday on the first day was moaning that we hadn't got on the medal table yet?  Another was slagging off the Cyclists who buried themselves on the race and the thing they don't get is that on the day, the best man won.  It may not have been to your script but that's what happened and that's the way it is.  Slagging the whole of Team GB off because we haven't got a medal yet is just disgusting and not in the spirit of the games and when sports people have been working for 4 years to get to this pinnacle of their chosen sport, how dare they belittle those achievements and that's just wrong.  These Journos have been p1ss1ng it up down the pub and engorging their Livers but they haven't had to train for hours every day for four years (and more).


Yes - it makes me very annoyed indeed that they dismiss the efforts of our athletes, I don't suppose they'd like it if we picked holes in their grammar and choice of words, what they wear and how they look.  It's fair game to them, they think it is OK to do it to other people.  I believe an amoeba could do a better job.

What? Still Cynical?

Apart from one bit last night, a small little cock up and we are all allowed to make those, I thought the opening ceremony was amazing and a logistical tour de force.  The small cock up would be a certain musician missing their cue and who perhaps should have retired a while ago but we all make mistakes.  There are people whinging about it didn't show our history this, our culture that and so on.   Can you believe that?  They didn't ask them to put on the show and welcome the world they asked someone who is world recognised for doing it (with Oscars, BAFTAs to provie it) and what can possibly be wrong with what was done in the time available.  Had comments from from too long (and in the same gasp not enough content) to moaning about speaking French and English (it's always been done - get used to it).  Basically everyone of them are allowed to have their own opinion (of course) and I defend their right to it but it's about time these people did something else other than moan and bitch the whole time.  Nothing will ever be right for them.


Funnily enough a guy who I know to be a strong supporter of the NHS (he was in it all his life) didn't like that tribute being paid to them - what an utter arse.  It said something quite profound about us I thought and wasn't just about children bouncing aorund but there you go.


It was a very British affair and the James Bond moment must have drawn laughs all across the world.  Mr. Bean's sketch was just right and who cannot have marvelled at turning our green and pleasant land into the Dark Satanic Mills.  No, it was just about right and did some amazing moral boosting for this poor little country that's had the crap beaten out of it and all its savings spent by a cynical laissez faire bunch of downright dishonest, self serving politicians.  Labour, Gordon Brown and Bliar lost me tens of thousands of pounds off my pensions and savings that I'm not getting back any time soon if ever and want to tell me its good for me.  No, we've been punched and kicked to the ground by their total mismanagement but yesterday, we wiped off the blood from our wounds and showed what we can actually do.  It's a shame that a certain cynical element of our populace didn't get that or didn't care about it.  They like to think they are saving our country and yet they miss the irony that they are part of the reason we are where we are.  I like to say my friend's phrase a lot.  "The biggest rut you've got to get out of is the rut you're in."  Some of these people who claim to be the true Brits are just right wing, self serving bully boys and whilst they go on about free speech and all don't really mean it.


We have 2 weeks to deliver a games that will inspire the world not just for our own prim satisfaction.  With all the disquiet in the world, it would be nice to think that relationships can be forged, friendships garnered and that we might start to get somewhere through sport where diplomacy may have failed.  Even if it is a small start it must be worth the hope that this might come about.  


As for those sad citizens, men and women, who prize intolerance, bigotry, bile and selfishness as their particular "code of morality" may the games prove you utterly and wholly wrong and like every argument you've ever held in your inadequate lives, may it thrust another dagger of right into your poisoned bodies and minds.  


Let's hope we have a good games and that we shop window what we are good at and those core moral tendencies we have especially fairness, integrity and honesty.  Let us cheer on the athletes who triumph as loudly as we cheer those who come in last, dropping a tear of sympathy over their failures but celebrating with those who win too.  It's about time we started to feel good about ourselves once again and cast off the cynical, sarcastic and downright nasty way we live together and treat each other.  Let the games begin.  

So let's get ready to party

I think it is very British thing to do and that's knock our efforts and make light of them and be cynical and sarcastic - it is a national trait but now's the time to put all that away and to get behind the games, welcome all our guests and just go out and have a blast.  It's just crazy to keep knocking things.  There are bound to be a few things go wrong, they always do but it is sorting it out and making it work and getting behind the spirit that needs to happen now.


I'm looking forward to the games but you can imagine that the travel disruption is going to be a problem and lets face it we are one of the biggest and busiest cities in the world so it will have its own dynamic.  Let's hope that it all goes off well and that we can all enjoy these celebrations - goodness knows we need something to lift us after the recession and all the bad news.


Still heard nothing from the job so have reset my expectations to 25%. 

Boiling

We don't do humidity - I like HEAT but not this massive humid stuff we get every now and then.  It is just draining but at least tonight there's the hint of some moisture in the air and we will get a little rain and no doubt a few thunderstorms too.


It has been a good evening out and we went to the quiz night at my local.  We didn't win anything but just had a good night and as I said to the landlord, it is a good evening out with a few laughs and some local village banter.


I said earlier in the week that I enjoyed the village life and that I hand't really appreciated how lucky I was to live in this, by anyone's standards. idyllic English village environment.  I remember going to Scotland and staying in a Crofter's Cottage overlooking a Loch, and Island and Mountains from the living room window.  Explaining how wonderful it was to a local at the Hotel in the village they said they'd never really noticed it!!!  We don't know what we have sometimes.


Talking of which, I have great banter with my cousin's wife in Florida via Facebook and I find the lifestyle and the working conditions to be so hard for young people these days both there and here as well if I think about it.  I must try and get to go there and meet her, she really comes across as a most lovely person and so much in tune with my sense of humour too.  


I spoke to my friends tonight about "what to do with my life" from here on in and one of those things must be to get off my arse and go to the USA.  I haven't seen my folks over there for many years and I really want to see the country if I can, whilst I am still able.  


Of course, it is a matter or priorities as I'm not certain that all my family want to - or are able to - come with me so it gives me a reason to go on my own but that may not go down well with the folks either.  It's all difficult isn't it?  I have a solid set of reasons to go and live life and try and fit lots of stuff in as soon as I can.  Everyone else hasn't had the wake up call or learnt the lessons from my situation yet. :-)  Difficult to make a choice is you aren't given all the facts to make the decision on.

Tequila and Mexican Food

Ah, nice, a few Buds, a plate of Nachos, a Rack of Ribs and a nice Tequila Gold washed down with another Bud.  It doesn't get much better than that - except for having good company and a few laughs of course.  Was nice to get out and see some old friends with Flocky Bicep this evening.


Hot as you like tonight - I feel a need for the fan to be on all night - it is that bad.

I'm Melting

Not a scene from the Wizard of Oz but what it is like in my upstairs office today, gosh it is so hot it is almost unbearable.  My fan is pushing the air around so making it feel a little fresher.  


Here I am then in my 7th year and 6 years clear of "the Big C" and I'm listening to some old music of mine, The Fortunes, remember them?  Well you'd probably have to be 50 minimum I guess... it is quite nice to listen to those songs (where you could hear all the lyrics) and the simple construction of the melody.  Ahhh, nice.


So the Olympics have started already and the football is under way across the country.  I'm off out tonight with Flocky Bicep and a couple of friends for a beer and something to eat afterwards.  That should be fun.  Spoke to my brother a couple of times today trying to sort out some silly nonsense with the Tax Man.  For goodness sake, they are on your case like flies on a dog turd.  For a couple of pounds that may have been paid they want their 40 pieces of silver.  It annoys me that my mum who has a healthy respect for the Law and Authority feels threatened by this.  I mean they word letters like you are going to be locked in the Tower for any miscreant behaviour.  By my reckoning there might be £10 to pay if that but it is just the way these people go about their business.  I firmly believe that these guys failed to get good grades at school and ended up working for the Inland Revenue.  It will be sorted when all the external agencies get their acts together and give us the information and we can complete the form but until they get their backsides into gear we've got a poor lady who has lost her husband, now lives on her own dealing with a bunch of people who frankly I wouldn't trust to sit the right way up on a WC!   


Anyway, I think we may have resolved this but as always when dealing with multiple bureaucracies we are totally in their hands until they get their fingers out and give us the data we need to feed to the next bureaucrats, to feed to the next ones and on and on ad nauseum. 

And into my seventh year

Goodness me time flies when you are having fun.  I don't think we will call Cancer fun though shall we?  Today, 6  years ago I woke to find that the operation had been a success and that whilst it was the commencement of a long journey back to health and there were more operations and treatments to come, they had removed the cancer from my body and stopped it spreading.  I need to remember how lucky I am sometimes.  I bitch and I moan and I get annoyed with the world but you know, I'm alive to be able to do that which is the important thing.


It's been 6 years and I'm still suffering the repercussions of the illness because I still haven't really come to terms with survival or what living is all about.  I hope it isn't "borrowed time", I hope it is time to do something useful with what I have left.  The trouble is I can't work out what that should be.  My time at the charity was useful and I enjoyed that - perhaps that is what I need to do for the future?  I don't know - even after all this time. 


Maybe as I enter my 7th year I can reflect on this and actually do something about it.  I feel I've done stuff that in many ways were the right things to do but somehow they aren't hitting the spot.  Not sure how I can get to that "happy state" but I'm sure I'm heading in the right way.

Six Years Today

Six years today that they saved my life I reckon.  It was a boiling hot day, just like today and it was about this time of day too that I went down for the operation - gee I looked a mess when I got back but they'd made the necessary cuts to remove the cancer and I'm grateful for that.  I have to say that I feel somewhat strange about it today as it has been a nice day.  I walked past the Hospital where they did the operation twice and the difference is a marked one - 6 years ago I was full of dread, fear and loathing and today I'm just glad to be alive.  Amazing.

Uplifting Day

My Mate Flocky Bicep suggests a meet at our local Costa but he cannot give me a lift back as he is on his motorbike.  No problems, I needed to go and see the Jeweller man and see about dad's watch and it is the most perfect day, hardly any breeze, perhaps nudging 28 to 30 Degrees Centigrade.  So I have a nice slow walk to the Coffee shop and see the Jeweller who tells me much as I expected that Dad's watch is worth about £100 wholesale and perhaps up to £300 retail.  To service it will cost around £200.  There were a lot of these Long Service Watches in the 1960s to 1980s until the world decided that employers didn't need to show any loyalty to employees any longer (and vice versa).  So the market is a bit flooded with them.  It is, Flocky and I agree, a very nice watch and the word "Elegant" and "Stylish" come to mind - well it is a Rolex of sorts.


So we have a civilised coffee (or three in fact) and I have my first Caffè Macchiato and loved it - that's on my list forever.  Flocky has to go to work and I wander back home past the Privet and other hedges that exude the smells of a warm July day.  the birds are chirping away in the hedgerows and the sun is wonderful and warm.  I get pulled into the local pub by the "beer magnet" which I believe does exist and I have two wonderful pints of something called "Hooky" a guest ale whilst locals come in and we chat away about the weather and how we are and also a bit of nostalgia as the bar man is off with the Boys Brigade to the Isle of Wight for Battalion Camp.  He is in my old group and I remember playing the Bugle and waking up the good people of the area every third Sunday as we paraded around the local street to church parade.


I come away from the pub there are families in the playing field where my father made my brother and I look for Sheep's Feathers all those years ago.  The children are playing in the playground and the boys playing nicely on the football (soccer) pitch.  The mums watch on from the picnic table with bags fill of food and drink.  What a lovely scene.


I walk on through my typical English Village, past the shops, some now shut for lunch, and everything is alright with the world, I'm comfortable in this place, it is safe and it is familiar, the scents waft across and I wander without time or purpose home and think to myself, surely this is what it is about, surely this must be what retirement or heaven should be like?  Warm, friendly, things happening around you but not too loud, a cool drink in the pub, some happy banter and a little breeze and if there had been a Cricket match on the green I would have known I would have arrived in my perfect spot :-)  How good it is when the sun shines.  Sometimes we just need to appreciate the things we have, today was like the early 1970s again when all the summers were hot and warm and I spent the time with my friends, cycling around the woods and parkland, building dams, exploring the woods, playing cricket and football and not having a care in the world (apart from getting home for tea on time of course!).


I looked at my village today in a whole different light and though how lucky I was to live in this little haven on the outskirts of London and on the borders of the green belt.  How nice it was to have a little village pub and a recreation ground, village shops, a tidy road, no graffiti and no dereliction.  Now to carry these thoughts forward, today is a nice day.

Time to stop bashing and get behind the games

This country has become so cynical and infatuated with people of notoriety (note I didn't say celebrities FFS - some people they are fascinated by have small minds and just looks produced by surgery!)


Add to that, the dumbing down of everything so that no one has to try and get to a level of conciousness even to understand it.  The dire state of the BBC now and it's "journalists" who may as well not have the interviewee there as they pose rhetorical questions.   Why oh why would I be interested in what the journalists says, why do they ask the negative questions, why do they snide and look down their noses at absolutely everything? And why tell me do they want to trash this country and its people?  I hate today's sniping, cowardly, lazy, ignorant journalists, comedians, "Celebrities" and all the other anally retentive people involved with them.


everything these days must be introduced with some B or C class celebrity on the panel who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on but puts in a "joke" or "humorous" jape even when it happens to be something serious.  They have no sense of occasion and are full of their own self importance.  I wonder if I can develop a virus that gives them something nasty enough to wipe them off the face of the earth or at least disable them for the nest 6 to 8 weeks.  It's like having something solemn like a State Funeral narrated by Chuckles the Monkey and Steve Martin, Fatima Whitbread and Sooty and Sweep.  Please bring back some serious, well trained, well informed journalists who ask questions we want answers to and not getting someone on the show and not allowing them to speak.


So - the Games start tomorrow and the opening ceremony is on Friday.   Groups of people who haven't quite worked out the public mood are taking strike action (or threatening it) just so they can make a point and stuff we've known about for 7 years is now coming as a shock to everyone like the transport chaos in and around London...  Why is it that I know that it isn't going to be a great place to get around in especially with 3 million extra journeys a day in London and everyone else expects no impact - could it be that they are now so worn down by the inane banter on TV that they can't take any information in or look it up for themselves?  


I just hope that someone, anyone, gets a grip on the BBC this year and we get some seriously good journalism and someone with a bit of stature to compère it - given the utter farce they made of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Pageant, I somehow fear that it will not be.  I do hope I'm wrong - at least there are other sports channels available and 24 dedicated channels as well so I hope that I can at least avoid being spoken to like a 2 year old.  


It would be nice to stop being so British about this and instead of beating each other up, slagging off the games, to get behind them and celebrate - what for many of us - will be a once in a life time event.  Many of us didn't get tickets to our own games and there are things that maybe disappointing but, get in the spirit and get behind the Athletes and  just enjoy it, God knows we've paid our taxes and been in a long period of austerity perhaps we've forgotten how to have fun and celebrate this event - about the only thing that brings all the citizens of the world together in one place for a common purpose.  That MUST be a good thing given how terribly we all get on with each other the rest of the time!!!

Write it down

I've decided to record my preferences for my funeral so there will be no doubt that it is to be similar to my dad's if possible.  I've selected some music tracks that I like that are suitable (and some unsuitable ones) and just some basics.  I have no doubt that it will be as difficult for whoever is left to sort it out but if I write down some ideas of stuff I like then it might make that a bit easier.  I'll have a bit of a balance on the religious content as I do 


I do like poetry but most of it is probably unsuitable - I like the WW1 war poets particularly but not sure that they would be quite the ticket really.  I might need to have a think about that and jot down some favourites in that area.  I fancy a fair bit of stuff but with 25 minutes to cover a life it is hardly possible.  Maybe they can just have some of my music at my wake and a few photos of us having a laugh..


Dad left a note about his chosen charities and the poem he wanted and a few caretaker's notes about what to do with his ashes etc.  A man of little fuss and that's fine - I would prefer something that just celebrated the fun its been.


So I thought that I ought to at least give it a crack and of course now I've started writing my favourite music and listening to the tracks and lyrics - I have too many - Mmmm :-)  Oh well, at least there'll be plenty to choose from.

Like my films, my music is typically me and eclectic so that should be interesting.  I have just started to go through the DVDs I got for my birthday - there are a couple that I know will not be quite right at the moment to watch as they will be too upsetting and a bit raw.  That's find but I'd rather hold them until I am ready.  It is similar with certain bits of music I really have to build up to listening to them - almost like preparing myself for the train wreck they impart on my emotions.  It sounds a bit strange but some classical work, if you just sit down and immerse yourself in it, can be quite draining - Elgar and the Enigma Variations - amazing but play me Nimrod from that and it rips me apart.  we definitely aren't having that at my funeral... 

Disturbing

The disturbing thing, looking back at my dad's illness was the helplessness at the end and knowing in yourself that you couldn't move, look after yourself and away went any dignity you had.  If anything upsets me, then it is that.  we all have to die and that's a fact it's how we lived (surely) that we are measured by and my dad was one of life's quiet men, very quiet indeed.  I must ask mum when she's up to it to tell me what she would only tell me after he was dead.


The thing about this is that he never wanted a fuss made and was independent almost to the extreme.  He thought it strange that we were interested in him and mum and came over to see them etc?  Strange I know - he expected nothing from us and was always a bit taken aback if we did anything or any gesture - funny isn't it.  Mind you I'm like that, I've done my bit, provided everything I can, the framework, to the best of my abilities for my children and family and the reward is having done that no more.  I can see his point of view on that but I think I'd like to see my children grow up and fulfil their potential and do well (who wouldn't).  I'm pretty pleased that they are as balanced as they are.

So the disturbing bit though is that view I see of my dad unable to move in bed, unable to lift himself using his hands and the poor attention that they were able to give to him through lack of staff and training (in my opinion) although he was looked after OK it was only just OK.  It wouldn't happen on my watch and my brother who works in the health service was very annoyed about the lack of management there.  I shall let him go fight that one out from his lofted internal position I'm sure he will get many more answers.   Like all things I see in this life, if only someone were to take a step back, look and actually see, think and apply basic common sense then things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now.  


I see that in the late night before going to sleep and when I wake and if the truth of it be known whilst I feel sorry for him I feel dread in myself that I don't go like that, hanging around and getting weaker and weaker and being unable to influence it.  It surely is a sad thing.   I am also getting back into a dangerous state of mind about the future which is interesting, it isn't a good place to be for me as it is bordering beyond my usual self control and logical state of being, it is revolutionary and self destructive (maybe).   I am 27 years my dad's junior and suddenly it is playing on my mind that perhaps I ought to be doing something with that time, something either important or not important and frivolous or adventurous or philanthropic - I just don't know - it's just one of those feelings where you look around at all the negativity and downright nastiness that is around these days and wonder whether you could just get away from it all and go and do something that would make you happy and contented for the rest of you life, that would allow you to meet your maker and to be satisfied that you did your best and you used the time somehow better than being an arse to the rest of your fellow human beings.

Sport overload

The Olympics get under way on Wednesday with the football and this time next week will be the bike race.  Today saw Bradley Wiggins win the Tour de France - the first British guy to do so. There was so much sport on it was amazing there was the Cricket where we are getting soundly beaten by South Africa, the German Grand Prix, The Open Golf, there was World Touring Cars and Cart on too.  By some happy circumstance, the F1 was on the TV today as we appear to have got a few extra channels - not sure if for the weekend or maybe for the duration of the Olympics - who knows.  Also noticed that we have around 20 channels for the Olympics allowing us to watch non stop Olympic action.  Last time the games were on we were in the Azores on holiday.  It doesn't seem 4 years ago.


I've made it a thing to phone my mum up every day at the moment until she tells me she doesn't want me to.  Still not sure about going up to do dad's ashes.  It doesn't really fit well with me and to travel up to empty them onto the roses doesn't make much sense to me.  I'll try and plan to go up in between the two sets of Olympics as to travel anywhere in the next two weeks is meant to be crazy so they say.


I've had receipt of my CV acknowledged and now just have to wait until they've done their review.  I don't know who I'm up against so will wait to hear the results of their review.  You never know with these things of course, you just never know.  At least this time it appears to be above board which the last one could hardly have said to have been.

Another milestone out of the way and one more left

On Tuesday - it will be 6 years since my operation that when I think about it, saved my life.  In the old days I don't know what they would have been able to do.  Anyway, yesterday was the 6th anniversary of finding out what I had and that was in itself a strange thing.  You kind of know what you've got but you desperately hope that there is some other explanation.  Of course that wasn't to be.  Devastating news absolutely devastating but that's what you have to deal with.


It actually makes my day quite flat and I was a bit caught out this morning flashing back to my dad in his Hospital bed and how sad that was.  The thought of lying their helplessly isn't one that  I like much for him or for me.  I'd hate it but perhaps, if you are weary by then, well maybe it isn't so bad?  I don't know the answer to that.  I felt that he hated being there, hated losing his ability to walk or to even lift himself out of bed.  It wasn't right, it just wasn't but I suppose we all have to go somehow but that drifting away stuff and just losing weight all the time was just pitiful and upsetting for everyone.

Anti Climax

Like many things - you work really hard to do something and you issue it and hear - nothing at all, not a sausage.  Did send it through a different way as well but still nothing.  Oh well, let's see what happens over the weekend.


Have plasterer here in the morning to look at the wreckage that is our bathroom.  Need to work out how much and when he can do it so I can plan that out.  It is going to be a mess I know but the disturbance is the problem - more for young A who is working now and will need to sort out how we can get the bathroom refurbished as quickly as possible - I think I could do it in a week but that is really pushing it and hoping everything goes to plan!  It is the drying and curing times that are the problem not actually doing the work.


Feel somewhat annoyed too.  Mum wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes.  The Olympics start next Friday and she'd like to do it then - the trouble is being south of London and having to go north on the day of the Olympic opening ceremony which must be happening all of 15 miles from us - well go figure!  Now I'm not particularly fussed about doing it.  It is symbolic of course but I said my goodbye, quite publicly at his funeral and so don't have a need or indeed a want to go do this.  Not sure if my mum and brother will be OK with it.  I shall have to tread carefully.

Eve of 6 Year Anniversary

My goodness - it was 6 years ago tomorrow that I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer - how time flies.  At this time I was being prescribed some Tamazepam because I was climbing the walls and had been told I was having a local procedure when in fact I was expecting to be knocked out for the procedure.


It is amazing just thinking or writing it quite how disturbed I get - ewwwww.


So 6 years, I'm still here, thank goodness for that.


I have just sent off my CV and covering letter for a job that I'd like to get - although it isn't important if I don't get it - it would just make for an interesting time if I did though.  It would be nice to get past the first hurdle this time.

Heavy Day

I worked until 2 in the morning on my resume and my covering letter to go for the job vacancy tomorrow.  Luckily Flocky Bicep invited me out for a coffee and we met up and he kindly did a quick review for me of the letter and the contents.  It was good to get an independent review and it was most useful.  I've changed it around based on that and found the odd typo myself!  As you do.


It is late again tonight and I intend to head off to bed in a short while.  I have now made all the last changes to the documents and will tidy it all up in the morning and email it off.  I hope that it is sufficiently differentiated from the other candidates to stand out amongst them and to at least get me thorough the door (this time) for an interview.  Keen observers may remember that about 3 years ago I was furious that there wasn't a real job there and that I had got the most awful crappy email back.  Had it not been who it was I think I would have been able to go to tribunal and slaughtered them for such a crass way of dealing with things more especially as it was a done deal or a stitch up as we like to call it.  I have put out feelers this time and have been told that there is a real vacancy this time.  Let's hope so and let's hope that it is worth the effort expended.  


Spoke to mum and you just have to get annoyed at petty officialdom and the way they are dealing with sorting out changing things after my dad has died.  The Tax Office are first on my hit list as are Nat West Bank for being crass and stupid, but then what did I expect from the Tax Office and a Bank?  Even Estate Agents have risen in my list above bankers and tax officials.  They sure know how to upset a widow...  Gits.


Anyhow, we got past that and it was nice that mum however, worked on getting dad's stuff together and bagging it up for the charity shop yesterday - she is pretty good at being practical and not moping around.   She wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes.  I'm not sure I want to go all the way up there to do that myself.  I need to convince myself as for some unknown reason I'm not into all this stuff at all and would be happy for mum and my brother who live 16 miles away to do it.  I have a 250/260 mile round trip and whilst I am happy to be there for my mum if she wants, I'm not sure that I'll feel anything about it.


Maybe it hasn't hit me or I'm not getting it or I've already gone through the loss stuff.  Maybe I'm in the denial stage of the Kubler Ross cycle - I don't know but I just haven't really been in this grief and crying, sobbing stage (apart from on the night of his death and when he told me he had jaundice and I kind of guessed what it was).  


I feel "different" and sometimes I feel a little upset about it and have been more thoughtful than I used to be.  Perhaps that is just me?  Maybe something will happen later on that will make it anything other than what it was - it's life and my attitude is to see all the good things he did and the good times we had.  Death comes to us all, surely it is how you are remembered in your life rather than on your death?  There is something to be said for some of the things you learn in life.  I like the phrase "Live respected and die regretted" it is used in a Masonic ceremony and it sums up how I feel about my dad.  I respected him and he did all these great things for me and then he let me get on and do my own thing.  I knew he was there just in case but it wasn't his way to interfere and it wasn't his way to have any fuss made.  I regret his dying of course but there never is a "good" time to go and it was his time and he'd had enough and goodness knows he suffered enough.  


Of course there's the thing that screws with my head, looking at the cancer taking hold of him, and that is - it could have been me, just a few years back and it brought the fears and the worry back into focus for me.  It didn't happen to me but it might have.  As my aunt kindly reminded me, our family line is full of cancers - gee thanks for that cheery note :-)  I suppose there is something in that but we aren't meant to live this long and something needs to get us one way or the other!


Oh well, you can philosophise all you want it isn't going to change the way things are.

Long talk with business partner

It was nice to get the chance to have a chat with my business partner.  We are both now looking for new jobs and busily working on our CVs.  Everything has changed now though and we aren't looking for the sort of jobs we used to do.  I'm doing my best to put forward a good case for a job I'm interested in but I feel I might be putting too much into it.  I need to spend tomorrow revising it and cutting it down.  The letter and CV looks OK but the response to the job is difficult as they've hardly described the job at all but I want them to realise I understand the job thoroughly and am up for the challenge.


Other than that the bathroom furniture arrived today so I have everything needed to do the bathroom but need the plasterer to say when he can do it - then I can plan everything else around it.  Unfortunately it means being without a bathroom for about 1 and a half weeks to 2 weeks I reckon.  We have a cloakroom and two sinks downstairs but with 4 to 6 people in the house at the moment it is difficult to work this all out.  If they need the new suite they will just have to bear with me whilst I do it.  Of course if I get this job it will be "interesting" as it will probably start very soon indeed.


Spoke to mum today she's bagged up all dad's clothes ready to go to the charity shop.  I suggested that I would have come up and done that but she is a very pragmatic sort of person and I think she needs to get these things sorted and move on - she isn't the sort to sit around moping about and that's good I think.  I just hope that she gets a life now after being devoted to dad for so long and looking after him so well these past years.


I am also a little concerned with my own feelings.  I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.  I am somewhat neutral still and my mate and I felt we were perhaps just disenchanted with the way things had gone with the business.  It isn't that it is a bad idea or has great merit just that there are no visionary people available to move the idea on.  It seems a shame really but there you go.  Maybe we will strike it lucky and someone come and buy the idea off us or at least take it further still.  The weather here hasn't helped the low feelings everyone has and leading to the Olympics when we should all be celebrating seems to be a damp squib.  They say the weather will change next week - well let's hope it shines bright as the world turns its attention to us.

Beer with a friend or two

It was nice to get a beer with my friend who was visiting his mother today.  Additionally my mate and his girlfriend (or is that partner at our age) also turned up.  It was a lovely short drink - a few beers a nice chat - nice to get some grief off my chest and also to discuss my pride after yesterday's Graduation Ceremony for A.  


I suggest that when they asked the Graduates to turn around and thank their families and friends for the support they'd received and they all cheered and clapped I believe a small bit of dust got blown into my eyes and probably into my throat too.  I thought it was all about them, the graduates, not us, it's what we do isn't it, as parents?  It's my duty and I've never ever thought that it has anything to do with me other than to provide the opportunity and the wherewithal to allow it to happen.  My parents couldn't provide that for me.  I was academically able but we lived in different times and so it wasn't to be.


So I find it interesting to look at these two parallels and to compare them.  I knew nothing about University - my friend - that I met tonight was one of only a few people I knew who went to University and I have to say that in retrospect it would have crippled my family for me to have gone no matter how good I was.  It didn't happen but there you go.  I'm luckily in a position to have been able to support both daughters in doing whatever was practicably useful in their education and that to me is my honour and my privilege and so far they have repaid us handsomely but - you know - it isn't about me it's my covenant that I made when we decided to have kids.  I kind of think that's what my dad did - the best he could for me and once we were established - that was his job done - he didn't need any reward or honour - just to see us well established and making progress and improving on his lot was reward enough.


Oh well that's my 5 pence worth tonight.