The practicalities of separation. When I moved into my house share when I was 19 or 20 years old I took a car full of stuff with me - there was already a bed, I took clothes, records, HiFi and a few bits. When I moved into my first house I took a small box van of stuff and when we moved here it was a large removals van. You accumulate stuff and yet I was quite able to live with the car full and van full of stuff originally :-)
In that time I've built a library of books, DVDs, CDs (selling them all now), Vinyl records (selling them too). Desks, chairs, office equipment, exercise machines, a host of coffee machines, mixers, juicers and other kitchenalia and a set of tools and garden implements too. It is just amazing how much clutter you accumulate over time.
I was thinking about it last night and wondering what I actually need to take with me. It's interesting as I need my office stuff and clothes of course. I've a put-me-up bed that will last for a short while but will need to get myself a bed. There's loads of stuff that I really don't need to take with me as I'm moving temporarily and when we finally come around to selling this place then it can move to wherever I'm going then.
I'm not worried about it but just amazed at how much clutter I have built up over the years. I might actually use the car more as well once I've moved - the poor thing just sits out on the drive at the moment as I tend to walk to most places these days. Ho Hum.
Monday, November 04, 2013
Very Upsetting - To Upset Someone Else
I've been in a funny place today - I found talking to Mrs. F. deeply moved me this morning - more than I thought perhaps. I don't think it is likely that it will sway my decision - I had too long to decide what to do - years and years of it and so I know I have to do it but it did play on my mind today quite a bit and I'm still feeling a little tearful just writing about it.
Of course I can intellectualise this and work it through and come up with all sorts of reasons but I find that it's how upset she is even after 3 months and that hurts me so much and yet I'm hoping it will be as good for her as it will be for me. If we'd have stayed together I'm not certain what sort of person I'd end up being. I was already in a deep rut and going downwards. I was pretty depressed sometimes and I'd go do stupid things occasionally to let off steam. No, I know this is the right thing and I've seen the other side and where I want to be. I had to laugh when the chap who is doing my graphics said he'd been married and divorced twice and was on his nenth girlfriend :-)
I realise that what I want (is that the right word - probably not). Need is wrong too. How about what I want to give and how I wish to live is so different - diametrically so - to how I live now that I had to do what I did and in some ways I'm heading off to learn about myself a bit more, to get back on my feet and to just go out there and enjoy what life has to offer.
I'm sure that I'll meet someone or perhaps many someones in the future. I doubt anyone will get close to me for a while as I really do need some space and some stability and then I can get to move forward. Mrs. F. was worried about a fuse going in the house or some other such thing and I was trying to say that, these things will happen and you learn to live with them and it's no use me just sitting here waiting for an emergency to arise to prove my worth.
It's a sad time at the moment as I know I'm breaking her heart. She broke mine years ago of course and continued to do so for many years but in a small way - a bit at a time - lots of small things and nothing ever major. I feel desperately sorry for her but not enough that I should try spend my life suffering what happened to me these past years to put it right.
Do I worry about the future? Yes a little bit but not as much as I used to. I know that I can scrape a living and I just want to be happy to do that and be happy with my life, with my friends and in myself. I worry a bit about Mrs. F. but I really do hope that she gets herself together over this coming weekend when she is away on the South Coast and that she realises that if she can change her life and perhaps start to feel good about herself she can move on.
Of course I can intellectualise this and work it through and come up with all sorts of reasons but I find that it's how upset she is even after 3 months and that hurts me so much and yet I'm hoping it will be as good for her as it will be for me. If we'd have stayed together I'm not certain what sort of person I'd end up being. I was already in a deep rut and going downwards. I was pretty depressed sometimes and I'd go do stupid things occasionally to let off steam. No, I know this is the right thing and I've seen the other side and where I want to be. I had to laugh when the chap who is doing my graphics said he'd been married and divorced twice and was on his nenth girlfriend :-)
I realise that what I want (is that the right word - probably not). Need is wrong too. How about what I want to give and how I wish to live is so different - diametrically so - to how I live now that I had to do what I did and in some ways I'm heading off to learn about myself a bit more, to get back on my feet and to just go out there and enjoy what life has to offer.
I'm sure that I'll meet someone or perhaps many someones in the future. I doubt anyone will get close to me for a while as I really do need some space and some stability and then I can get to move forward. Mrs. F. was worried about a fuse going in the house or some other such thing and I was trying to say that, these things will happen and you learn to live with them and it's no use me just sitting here waiting for an emergency to arise to prove my worth.
It's a sad time at the moment as I know I'm breaking her heart. She broke mine years ago of course and continued to do so for many years but in a small way - a bit at a time - lots of small things and nothing ever major. I feel desperately sorry for her but not enough that I should try spend my life suffering what happened to me these past years to put it right.
Do I worry about the future? Yes a little bit but not as much as I used to. I know that I can scrape a living and I just want to be happy to do that and be happy with my life, with my friends and in myself. I worry a bit about Mrs. F. but I really do hope that she gets herself together over this coming weekend when she is away on the South Coast and that she realises that if she can change her life and perhaps start to feel good about herself she can move on.
Sunday, November 03, 2013
What Happened There
I woke from a dream, alone in the house - or so it felt - I had heard people go out and for the first time in a very long time was having some very vivid dreams and suddenly Mrs. F. walked in "What are you doing here?" I asked her - she said "I live here!" Pretty good by Mrs. F.'s standards - "Shouldn't you be at work?" "Not on a Sunday!" :-) Oh dear - now I haven't done that for a very long time. Dementia? Who knows with me - it was quite a shock but a nice one as I was tangled up with how could I get my car out of the drive with her car there :-)
Anyway - she then told me she was taking a day off on Friday and then going down to Hastings for the weekend to see her friend and then take some long walks and think things through and I'm glad she said that. She was still visibly upset and so we had a little cuddle and just made sure each of us was OK. Have to say I then went downstairs and had a bit of a cry because I hate to have ever thought I'd hurt someone as much as I can see she is hurt - no matter what has gone on I spent most of my life with her so I'm going have to realise it isn't going to be easy at all.
I haven't felt this tearful or upset for a long time but I know what it is and I can deal with it, I just have to work through it and put it where it belongs and put that out of my mind - I knew what I was doing 3 months ago it is in fact. Quarter of a year already. Anyway, the good news is it is Sunday, Mrs. F. is actually going to get away and think things through and probably have a nice long chat with her friend down in Hastings who is pretty nice and a steady person so I hope she can help her. I feel I should try and help sometimes but it doesn't always does it. It's a hard line to walk down when you've fallen out of love with someone but you are still friends (or really want to be). Treading on Eggshells is such an appropriate phrase in these situations.
Onwards and upwards though....
Anyway - she then told me she was taking a day off on Friday and then going down to Hastings for the weekend to see her friend and then take some long walks and think things through and I'm glad she said that. She was still visibly upset and so we had a little cuddle and just made sure each of us was OK. Have to say I then went downstairs and had a bit of a cry because I hate to have ever thought I'd hurt someone as much as I can see she is hurt - no matter what has gone on I spent most of my life with her so I'm going have to realise it isn't going to be easy at all.
I haven't felt this tearful or upset for a long time but I know what it is and I can deal with it, I just have to work through it and put it where it belongs and put that out of my mind - I knew what I was doing 3 months ago it is in fact. Quarter of a year already. Anyway, the good news is it is Sunday, Mrs. F. is actually going to get away and think things through and probably have a nice long chat with her friend down in Hastings who is pretty nice and a steady person so I hope she can help her. I feel I should try and help sometimes but it doesn't always does it. It's a hard line to walk down when you've fallen out of love with someone but you are still friends (or really want to be). Treading on Eggshells is such an appropriate phrase in these situations.
Onwards and upwards though....
Saturday, November 02, 2013
It's Painful Sometimes
Poor Mrs. F. is so upset that she can hardly speak about splitting up and we had to talk about money today as I'll need some to move out but as I assured her, I shouldn't need to spend it all and should start to be self-sufficient in about 6 months. Emotion and Logic really aren't great partners to have side by side when discussing such matters. It soon becomes an illogical ill thought through thing and I have to just bring it back to level and calm it down.
Oh my though she looks so hurt and vulnerable and I feel so bad about this and yet when I reflect - I really have to go as I want to remain sane and it really wasn't doing me any good at all. Some of the "practicalities" aren't real considerations. Like getting rid of stuff for the sake of it. I'm decluttering as I've got loads of stuff that is just gathering dust. Mrs. F. is almost considering a House Clearance and I've just had to rein that back as it isn't a thought through proposition. I know we have a load of clutter but it isn't logical - "what about you piano?" well what about it - it isn't doing any harm where it has sat for years?
She's gone out thank goodness it was such hard work trying to sort things out this morning and you can see despair and helplessness and "I won't be able to cope" stuff but she's probably stronger than me in that respect!
I suppose I should have expected this but she has to go through these stages I guess and only then can she come out the other end - I hope stronger and I hope she regains her self esteem and finds someone. It is all pretty upsetting and I do feel for her and it does upset me - of course it does - whatever may be happening now it wasn't always like this there were some great times but right now - how can that ever be? Why am I asking you ? :-) I doubt you'd be in a better position than me to understand it. In many ways I wished it would be over pretty soon so we can both get on with life. She is finding it a strain being under the same roof and also she doesn't like the idea of me moving out and pretty much realises that it does mean to a high level of certainty that that is it. She knows that I've sort of made my mind up and that this is a step for her to come to terms with it. Now she IS talking about selling the house.
It's going to be one of those weekends. Roll on Monday when she is back at work - not a nice thing to say is it? The trouble is that the atmosphere isn't great and whilst we are talking it is in staccato phrases.
Oh my though she looks so hurt and vulnerable and I feel so bad about this and yet when I reflect - I really have to go as I want to remain sane and it really wasn't doing me any good at all. Some of the "practicalities" aren't real considerations. Like getting rid of stuff for the sake of it. I'm decluttering as I've got loads of stuff that is just gathering dust. Mrs. F. is almost considering a House Clearance and I've just had to rein that back as it isn't a thought through proposition. I know we have a load of clutter but it isn't logical - "what about you piano?" well what about it - it isn't doing any harm where it has sat for years?
She's gone out thank goodness it was such hard work trying to sort things out this morning and you can see despair and helplessness and "I won't be able to cope" stuff but she's probably stronger than me in that respect!
I suppose I should have expected this but she has to go through these stages I guess and only then can she come out the other end - I hope stronger and I hope she regains her self esteem and finds someone. It is all pretty upsetting and I do feel for her and it does upset me - of course it does - whatever may be happening now it wasn't always like this there were some great times but right now - how can that ever be? Why am I asking you ? :-) I doubt you'd be in a better position than me to understand it. In many ways I wished it would be over pretty soon so we can both get on with life. She is finding it a strain being under the same roof and also she doesn't like the idea of me moving out and pretty much realises that it does mean to a high level of certainty that that is it. She knows that I've sort of made my mind up and that this is a step for her to come to terms with it. Now she IS talking about selling the house.
It's going to be one of those weekends. Roll on Monday when she is back at work - not a nice thing to say is it? The trouble is that the atmosphere isn't great and whilst we are talking it is in staccato phrases.
Friday, November 01, 2013
So STOP Worrying About The Future
I was a bit worried why my neighbour wanted to see me other than in the gale or storm the fence got broken and he owns it and I was worried he may want me to stump up the cost of it!
So whilst I was a bit worried about that I made sure yesterday to try not to be worried because it will be what it will be and he will say what he wanted to say and so on and I couldn't second guess it. Well I thought he said he'd come to me at 10 but as it was he wasn't here then so I went to him as I arrived he was about to come out of the door. So I had coffee with him.
So did he want to talk about then fence? No it wasn't even mentioned at all. No he wanted to tell me that he and his wife were moving away at the end of the month and that they'd sold the house and they were renting half way down to Brighton where their son lives. So that was all OK and I told him my news which must have been a shock too :-) We've know them for 25 years! So we swapped phone numbers and he will see me at the pub as I tend to go there occasionally and he will come back 2 or 3 times a week as all his friends are here. He isn't happy about moving away at all and he may come back :-)
He said he was on Facebook but I can't track him down on there at the moment - maybe I'll do that.
So that's why you shouldn't guess and as Flocky Bicep tells me - you shouldn't "Catastrophise" the situation. That sure seems to be the lesson learnt!
I think even if he had have talked about the fence it wouldn't have mattered either way to me I shouldn't predict the future (or try to) it does you no good whatsoever.
So whilst I was a bit worried about that I made sure yesterday to try not to be worried because it will be what it will be and he will say what he wanted to say and so on and I couldn't second guess it. Well I thought he said he'd come to me at 10 but as it was he wasn't here then so I went to him as I arrived he was about to come out of the door. So I had coffee with him.
So did he want to talk about then fence? No it wasn't even mentioned at all. No he wanted to tell me that he and his wife were moving away at the end of the month and that they'd sold the house and they were renting half way down to Brighton where their son lives. So that was all OK and I told him my news which must have been a shock too :-) We've know them for 25 years! So we swapped phone numbers and he will see me at the pub as I tend to go there occasionally and he will come back 2 or 3 times a week as all his friends are here. He isn't happy about moving away at all and he may come back :-)
He said he was on Facebook but I can't track him down on there at the moment - maybe I'll do that.
So that's why you shouldn't guess and as Flocky Bicep tells me - you shouldn't "Catastrophise" the situation. That sure seems to be the lesson learnt!
I think even if he had have talked about the fence it wouldn't have mattered either way to me I shouldn't predict the future (or try to) it does you no good whatsoever.
Tackling Day To Day Living
It's all about the day right? The 'Now' and so I try and do that. It actually works quite well. I find myself struggling with it a bit on the odd occasion like yesterday. I was considering that there would be days like this of course as the habit of a lifetime is difficult to break.
What it was yesterday was about finding love or companionship in the future and that screwed with my head a bit but then I realised that I have a terrific bunch of friends and a large group of people I know and that therein was the key and to stop worrying about it. It will be what it will be (I say that a lot I know). There's no rush and I will have some time to stop think and reflect soon when I move out of here and into the new house or flat or whatever we are getting. I'm not worried about where to live and how I'm going to live so that's OK.
Then for some reason, maybe to stop myself thinking in the future I went back to some happy times, wonderful times and reflected on those and blow me that made me feel sad. You can't win but I struggled with stopping those happy days turning into "what ifs? And Maybes!" So I watched some stupid film and had two little French beers (Low Alcohol but blizzard cold) and went to bed and just worked on clearing my mind of it. It worked, It is clear this morning and it's a bit like worrying what my neighbour is coming around to see me about this morning - why? Nothings happened and he will say what he has to say and I will see what I think about it and take it from there.
I also appear to be slowly getting it that life isn't a rush to the finish to see who gets to the end first. I realise that I'm not going to have a say in the time. place or manner of my death but I can certainly have a big say in how I live and whilst it isn't an easy road to follow it actually is when it comes together. When you suddenly realise that you don't actually need to be doing something right now, it can wait for 5 minutes, that time our having a break is OK it's not wasted time. That there is pleasure to be gained from doing menial tasks - no really - just try and do them with a good mind and attitude and to do the best job you can? Sounds funny but try enjoying doing the washing up or the ironing. It works fine for me and I "enjoy" doing these things but don't need to rush and tear through them. If I want a break then I will have one, if I reward myself with a coffee or ramping the volume up on a particular piece of music and just listening to it (rather than having it in the background) then that's great too.
Sure there will be pressure things but do you know what, they too will happen and they too can also become enjoyable. Today I need to see my neighbour, go to the Post Office, then off for 30 minutes walk to see Flocky Bicep for coffee and then home and see what the day will bring. I'm not certain if I fancy another full day in the office so perhaps I'll work on my business and operations plans - that's a good idea. There's a pile of washing that needs ironing, perhaps a film on DVD and do the ironing.
I know - I Rock! :-)
What it was yesterday was about finding love or companionship in the future and that screwed with my head a bit but then I realised that I have a terrific bunch of friends and a large group of people I know and that therein was the key and to stop worrying about it. It will be what it will be (I say that a lot I know). There's no rush and I will have some time to stop think and reflect soon when I move out of here and into the new house or flat or whatever we are getting. I'm not worried about where to live and how I'm going to live so that's OK.
Then for some reason, maybe to stop myself thinking in the future I went back to some happy times, wonderful times and reflected on those and blow me that made me feel sad. You can't win but I struggled with stopping those happy days turning into "what ifs? And Maybes!" So I watched some stupid film and had two little French beers (Low Alcohol but blizzard cold) and went to bed and just worked on clearing my mind of it. It worked, It is clear this morning and it's a bit like worrying what my neighbour is coming around to see me about this morning - why? Nothings happened and he will say what he has to say and I will see what I think about it and take it from there.
I also appear to be slowly getting it that life isn't a rush to the finish to see who gets to the end first. I realise that I'm not going to have a say in the time. place or manner of my death but I can certainly have a big say in how I live and whilst it isn't an easy road to follow it actually is when it comes together. When you suddenly realise that you don't actually need to be doing something right now, it can wait for 5 minutes, that time our having a break is OK it's not wasted time. That there is pleasure to be gained from doing menial tasks - no really - just try and do them with a good mind and attitude and to do the best job you can? Sounds funny but try enjoying doing the washing up or the ironing. It works fine for me and I "enjoy" doing these things but don't need to rush and tear through them. If I want a break then I will have one, if I reward myself with a coffee or ramping the volume up on a particular piece of music and just listening to it (rather than having it in the background) then that's great too.
Sure there will be pressure things but do you know what, they too will happen and they too can also become enjoyable. Today I need to see my neighbour, go to the Post Office, then off for 30 minutes walk to see Flocky Bicep for coffee and then home and see what the day will bring. I'm not certain if I fancy another full day in the office so perhaps I'll work on my business and operations plans - that's a good idea. There's a pile of washing that needs ironing, perhaps a film on DVD and do the ironing.
I know - I Rock! :-)
Thursday, October 31, 2013
What A Long Day
I forgot just how time consuming it is to put stuff on eBay - I think I probably managed about 70 items today but phew was it ever hard work. I had and allowance of 240 which will be reset tomorrow to 450 so I have plenty to get on with but wanted to get a couple of hundred out there. Not to worry I have plenty of lots to sell and so I can just spread it out to doing a few hours each morning and night to declutter my place. It is looking decidedly bare downstairs where my old CD Racks used to be. I guess 400 or so CDs are now in my office and I am lining them up and seeing how they'll go.
I will press on doing this and see where it takes me. I hope that in some ways I can get rid of loads of stuff before I move out and that I can use some of the cash for the new business too.
I find it interesting that people are worried about me and somehow concerned that I am stressed out. I imagine I will not like moving out of here and that it will be stressful - I really really hate seeing Mrs. F. upset and whilst she is a little better she still looks terribly sad and hurt and it makes me sad to know that I've hurt her like that - YES I know there are two sides and I'm hurt (or was) I still think that I have feelings for her, I've known her most of my adult life and I'm desperate that we remain friends or friendly if at all possible. It is terribly difficult to do that as it must pain her everytime I talk to her. I hear myself apologising and saying sorry but you know I only need to think about things to know that it is beyond repair.
I won't go into specifics that isn't fair but I lay awake this morning and started to think about things and then realised that no there had been so many problems over the years and that they just accumulated - I suppose we all get these doubts and of course I'm bound to but when I add it all up and really think about it I know I've done the right thing and how many people would have waited quite so long to do that?
I will press on doing this and see where it takes me. I hope that in some ways I can get rid of loads of stuff before I move out and that I can use some of the cash for the new business too.
I find it interesting that people are worried about me and somehow concerned that I am stressed out. I imagine I will not like moving out of here and that it will be stressful - I really really hate seeing Mrs. F. upset and whilst she is a little better she still looks terribly sad and hurt and it makes me sad to know that I've hurt her like that - YES I know there are two sides and I'm hurt (or was) I still think that I have feelings for her, I've known her most of my adult life and I'm desperate that we remain friends or friendly if at all possible. It is terribly difficult to do that as it must pain her everytime I talk to her. I hear myself apologising and saying sorry but you know I only need to think about things to know that it is beyond repair.
I won't go into specifics that isn't fair but I lay awake this morning and started to think about things and then realised that no there had been so many problems over the years and that they just accumulated - I suppose we all get these doubts and of course I'm bound to but when I add it all up and really think about it I know I've done the right thing and how many people would have waited quite so long to do that?
The World According to ME :-)
At the moment I'm trying to keep myself busy and active - the business and de-cluttering the place seems to be doing that for me and I just hope that I can keep the work rate up and also bring in some decent money for the effort. I just sat down and priced up all my CDs and again was disappointed to see that the "market" value is pretty low but I kind of expected that but even so if I got a few pence for each of them I'd make more :-) I am going to chance my arm tomorrow and throw a number of CDs up on eBay and see where that takes me. If I make a pound on each that will allow me to cut loose and get rid of all of them on there.
I need to go and sort out some more of the records too as I know there are some good ones left to auction off. I think I've made more money this month than Mrs. F!!! Crazy - but almost quadrupled what the guy offered me so feeling justified on that front.
So The World According To ME..... :-) Well I noticed that I'm really getting into the swing of this Low Stress living. It will be better still when I move out and have a place that I can get organised in and start the business off properly. I'm trying at the moment to get clear of all the odds and ends and loose ends here - of course it isn't going to happen exactly like I'd like but that's just going to have to be what it will be. No use worrying about logistics and all that at the moment as it will just happen when it's ready and timing will be what it will be too. So I'm not planning or preparing anything at all at the moment. I know I have a load of stuff to sort out but it will wait until things are ready to rock 'n' roll.
Finally I've fixed loads of the problems I used to have with life and the universe and all that good stuff. I still get angry or irrationally start to look at problems that aren't there, to get rattled about something for no real reason but I rein it right in now because I see myself doing it. I was worried about my neighbour wanting to see me on Friday trying to second guess what it is about. It could be anything but I won't know until he actually gets here and talks to me. So why worry, get wound up about it or anything else? He will tell me when he turns up. Then and only then can I deal with it. Maybe he might tell me he's split up with his wife :-) Oh no that's me!
Why worry about it? It hasn't happened yet. Once you get it into your head it sort of all starts to make some sort of sense. A bit like my worry about whether a friendship is about to change character. But I can't do anything about that no matter what I "think" may be happening I am in no situation to judge it, to understand it or be involved until and if I am asked. Old habits die hard and worry and panic and over complicating things are my trademarks. I have stopped these or catch myself running the numbers and the permutations and stop myself.
A break, a coffee up the road is a useful distraction or something else that makes me forget all this stuff. When I had my break this morning it was great because I just sat in the sun and was happy and there were interesting things going on around me and then as I walked back I could hear the birds in the trees, there was one of those massive Airbus A380 things making a turn towards London and the Comm trails were everywhere. We are under the flight turning for both Gatwick and Heathrow so there is a lot of activity above us. It is all fascinating stuff. Walking along the road I smile politely at the people I know and those that I don't. I walk upright and no longer all stooped over. I feel great, my breathing is no longer laboured and everything feels and looks different mainly because I see them through proper open eyes now. Observant, noticing the various hues of green and the amazing colours of autumn and the matting of leaves across the road from our recent "storm" which certainly knocked the leaves off the trees.
Without being too contentious I wondered whether this really was "finding my purpose" and I don't think it is yet. That will come along I have no doubt. I've stopped my headlong plunge into depression and breakdown without doubt but that had been caused by an ongoing fault of my own. I didn't tackle the problems I had early or perhaps "forcefully" enough (I don't mean physically). I let things go and maintained the status quo and inevitably by making compromises over many years without having any breaks in my favour - all one way if you like - it was bound to pile up to where I found myself back in June and more so in early August. I do hope that I never do that again
I hope that the new start will be the thing I need to get myself back on the rails again. A new business that I can run and manage and that is up to me to win the business etc. I think I can drum up a fair amount of business but just need to make sure that I commit to it. It will be my main source of income and I'm putting a fair amount of investment into it. Now I've started to do it, I'm quite excited about it I have to say but I am definitely delaying until we get the house or flat or whatever. Last year I'd have been climbing the wall for all the delays but I'm not because in reality if I tried to set it up now it would be a mess and for a month or two to get it right, it will be worth it.
I like the idea of not getting all rattled by it and just let it happen - don't worry - it makes for an interesting life and so much less stressful too. So the World according to me is to try and live in the now as much as possible and having got rid of the past and stopped worrying about the future it feels as if all my worries have disappeared. It was funny talking to another friend on Saturday, worried about me, was all cut up about a number of things and I was trying to explain the "new me" view of the world - that it really didn't matter about these things. He was annoyed about someone getting a promotion before him who didn't deserve it and so on and I was trying to get him to just forget it, it isn't important and the only person who was upset was himself and the pain he was feeling wasn't that person or the injustice it was his own mind that was giving him all this grief. He didn't get it. Well it takes a while and you only get it when you are ready to get it and when you finally decide that you've had enough pain and suffering and that most of it is inflicted on yourself by yourself.
I like the disengage model too and I haven't really used it yet but I may try that in future where you slightly disengage from the conversation - you still listen but you don't agree or disagree or pass comment and you don't reinforce the statements either for or against. After years of being empathetic and joining in to try and pull away a bit is still a skill I'm learning.
I need to go and sort out some more of the records too as I know there are some good ones left to auction off. I think I've made more money this month than Mrs. F!!! Crazy - but almost quadrupled what the guy offered me so feeling justified on that front.
So The World According To ME..... :-) Well I noticed that I'm really getting into the swing of this Low Stress living. It will be better still when I move out and have a place that I can get organised in and start the business off properly. I'm trying at the moment to get clear of all the odds and ends and loose ends here - of course it isn't going to happen exactly like I'd like but that's just going to have to be what it will be. No use worrying about logistics and all that at the moment as it will just happen when it's ready and timing will be what it will be too. So I'm not planning or preparing anything at all at the moment. I know I have a load of stuff to sort out but it will wait until things are ready to rock 'n' roll.
Finally I've fixed loads of the problems I used to have with life and the universe and all that good stuff. I still get angry or irrationally start to look at problems that aren't there, to get rattled about something for no real reason but I rein it right in now because I see myself doing it. I was worried about my neighbour wanting to see me on Friday trying to second guess what it is about. It could be anything but I won't know until he actually gets here and talks to me. So why worry, get wound up about it or anything else? He will tell me when he turns up. Then and only then can I deal with it. Maybe he might tell me he's split up with his wife :-) Oh no that's me!
Why worry about it? It hasn't happened yet. Once you get it into your head it sort of all starts to make some sort of sense. A bit like my worry about whether a friendship is about to change character. But I can't do anything about that no matter what I "think" may be happening I am in no situation to judge it, to understand it or be involved until and if I am asked. Old habits die hard and worry and panic and over complicating things are my trademarks. I have stopped these or catch myself running the numbers and the permutations and stop myself.
A break, a coffee up the road is a useful distraction or something else that makes me forget all this stuff. When I had my break this morning it was great because I just sat in the sun and was happy and there were interesting things going on around me and then as I walked back I could hear the birds in the trees, there was one of those massive Airbus A380 things making a turn towards London and the Comm trails were everywhere. We are under the flight turning for both Gatwick and Heathrow so there is a lot of activity above us. It is all fascinating stuff. Walking along the road I smile politely at the people I know and those that I don't. I walk upright and no longer all stooped over. I feel great, my breathing is no longer laboured and everything feels and looks different mainly because I see them through proper open eyes now. Observant, noticing the various hues of green and the amazing colours of autumn and the matting of leaves across the road from our recent "storm" which certainly knocked the leaves off the trees.
Without being too contentious I wondered whether this really was "finding my purpose" and I don't think it is yet. That will come along I have no doubt. I've stopped my headlong plunge into depression and breakdown without doubt but that had been caused by an ongoing fault of my own. I didn't tackle the problems I had early or perhaps "forcefully" enough (I don't mean physically). I let things go and maintained the status quo and inevitably by making compromises over many years without having any breaks in my favour - all one way if you like - it was bound to pile up to where I found myself back in June and more so in early August. I do hope that I never do that again
I hope that the new start will be the thing I need to get myself back on the rails again. A new business that I can run and manage and that is up to me to win the business etc. I think I can drum up a fair amount of business but just need to make sure that I commit to it. It will be my main source of income and I'm putting a fair amount of investment into it. Now I've started to do it, I'm quite excited about it I have to say but I am definitely delaying until we get the house or flat or whatever. Last year I'd have been climbing the wall for all the delays but I'm not because in reality if I tried to set it up now it would be a mess and for a month or two to get it right, it will be worth it.
I like the idea of not getting all rattled by it and just let it happen - don't worry - it makes for an interesting life and so much less stressful too. So the World according to me is to try and live in the now as much as possible and having got rid of the past and stopped worrying about the future it feels as if all my worries have disappeared. It was funny talking to another friend on Saturday, worried about me, was all cut up about a number of things and I was trying to explain the "new me" view of the world - that it really didn't matter about these things. He was annoyed about someone getting a promotion before him who didn't deserve it and so on and I was trying to get him to just forget it, it isn't important and the only person who was upset was himself and the pain he was feeling wasn't that person or the injustice it was his own mind that was giving him all this grief. He didn't get it. Well it takes a while and you only get it when you are ready to get it and when you finally decide that you've had enough pain and suffering and that most of it is inflicted on yourself by yourself.
I like the disengage model too and I haven't really used it yet but I may try that in future where you slightly disengage from the conversation - you still listen but you don't agree or disagree or pass comment and you don't reinforce the statements either for or against. After years of being empathetic and joining in to try and pull away a bit is still a skill I'm learning.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
To Go Or Not To Go
I've got some invites to go to meetings one is local and one is a bit further away and I'd like to go but I just don't know what is happening at the moment and so I am in two minds about committing to them. I'd rather say no than let anyone down but I suppose in reality there isn't a lot stopping me.
I had a good day yesterday with the art guy who is going to do my logo and stuff for the business. He has also made me have a think about whether I need the complexity of my web site. It would be nice to have something complex but actually as he rightly says - it is just as good to have customers tell you what they want and you contact them - that way you can be flexible about picking up and delivery. Mmmm more stuff to think about.
My next door neighbour wants to pop around and see me on Friday morning - could be about the fence I suppose. Mind you I could fix that for him - I think it is his fence but will need to see what he is thinking about.
Other than that - my head is still in a funny old place at the moment as I know that all sorts of things are changing with my life and whilst I am OK with that it occasionally destabilizes me. The mixed messages thing is just so strange I don't quite get it but what I have decided to do is not to read anything into these messages at all. I'm just going to "play it cool" and do nothing to encourage or discourage whatever is going on. It sounds secretive but it is more a case of if I don't know what is going on so whatever I say about the situation isn't relevant at the moment. The destabilizing thing is that what I wanted to happen some time ago but couldn't might still happen but I can't get my hopes up for it as I don't want to start all that dreaming and planning nonsense again only to get wounded and upset if it isn't what I'd like it to be. So hence it is best not to expect anything and just let stuff unfold as it is intended - I can't influence it or have a say in it anyway so quite why I'm hung up on it I don't know other than the initial quandary of wondering what was going on and how I should react to a series of mixed messages.
Confused? You ought to be inside my head at the moment :-) Having said that I'm fine and still happy and enjoying things. I went up to the Post Office to post someone's eBay winning and then had a coffee and sat outside in the brilliant blue sky and warming autumn sunshine. A Huge Heron flew overhead and landed on the house opposite, planes made comm trails in the sky and it was nice to sit and take it all in. I realise that taking these breaks in my schedule are good things to do.
It is a heavy day tomorrow trying to get a load of stuff out on to eBay as I've now really got into the meat of the record collection and also my CDs which I am also getting rid of. De-cluttering is going ahead at a pace.
I had a good day yesterday with the art guy who is going to do my logo and stuff for the business. He has also made me have a think about whether I need the complexity of my web site. It would be nice to have something complex but actually as he rightly says - it is just as good to have customers tell you what they want and you contact them - that way you can be flexible about picking up and delivery. Mmmm more stuff to think about.
My next door neighbour wants to pop around and see me on Friday morning - could be about the fence I suppose. Mind you I could fix that for him - I think it is his fence but will need to see what he is thinking about.
Other than that - my head is still in a funny old place at the moment as I know that all sorts of things are changing with my life and whilst I am OK with that it occasionally destabilizes me. The mixed messages thing is just so strange I don't quite get it but what I have decided to do is not to read anything into these messages at all. I'm just going to "play it cool" and do nothing to encourage or discourage whatever is going on. It sounds secretive but it is more a case of if I don't know what is going on so whatever I say about the situation isn't relevant at the moment. The destabilizing thing is that what I wanted to happen some time ago but couldn't might still happen but I can't get my hopes up for it as I don't want to start all that dreaming and planning nonsense again only to get wounded and upset if it isn't what I'd like it to be. So hence it is best not to expect anything and just let stuff unfold as it is intended - I can't influence it or have a say in it anyway so quite why I'm hung up on it I don't know other than the initial quandary of wondering what was going on and how I should react to a series of mixed messages.
Confused? You ought to be inside my head at the moment :-) Having said that I'm fine and still happy and enjoying things. I went up to the Post Office to post someone's eBay winning and then had a coffee and sat outside in the brilliant blue sky and warming autumn sunshine. A Huge Heron flew overhead and landed on the house opposite, planes made comm trails in the sky and it was nice to sit and take it all in. I realise that taking these breaks in my schedule are good things to do.
It is a heavy day tomorrow trying to get a load of stuff out on to eBay as I've now really got into the meat of the record collection and also my CDs which I am also getting rid of. De-cluttering is going ahead at a pace.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Atmosphere
There's something obviously not quite right here and you can tell when you walk in the room or the house that it is so. To my mind it is just a little more frosty than it used to be and it is business like and there you have it. We still orbit around each other and say few words but that's the way of it and I suppose I should expect that really.
Mrs. F. still not told her parents or her family what is going on and I'm worried that the news will leak out and then where will we be? I am seeing my Nephew this weekend and he has no idea what is happening either!
Strange behaviour. Anyway be that as it may I have to make some serious decisions myself soon I think. I'm in two minds about something and it is taking up some of my brain bandwidth and I'm not sure, which is unlike me I know. Anyhow - there's something happening and I cannot read the signs and the undercurrent and it really is strange - no doubt I'll get it at some point but I hate it when I can't read the signs and don't understand what is going on. I hate it when this happens.
Oh well - I think I shall turn in for the night I am absolutely knackered :-)
Mrs. F. still not told her parents or her family what is going on and I'm worried that the news will leak out and then where will we be? I am seeing my Nephew this weekend and he has no idea what is happening either!
Strange behaviour. Anyway be that as it may I have to make some serious decisions myself soon I think. I'm in two minds about something and it is taking up some of my brain bandwidth and I'm not sure, which is unlike me I know. Anyhow - there's something happening and I cannot read the signs and the undercurrent and it really is strange - no doubt I'll get it at some point but I hate it when I can't read the signs and don't understand what is going on. I hate it when this happens.
Oh well - I think I shall turn in for the night I am absolutely knackered :-)
Monday, October 28, 2013
Not Always Easy To Move On
We are creatures of habit and don't like change and yet change happens all the time but as it is gradual we don't tend to notice it. When it comes to a major change, like leaving your wife and moving out it tends to be a bit of a daunting task and certainly if you just sit back and think about it, it is. Of course, I'm trying not to think too much about it as it certainly is challenging and it is a bit daunting and yet it is also exciting and for me is as much about turning the page over and getting used to living on my own and also beginning to live what I feel is the last third of my life.
I like Flocky's explanation of the 3 ages of man - 28 years growing up 28 years with the wife and kids and then another 28 years (hopefully). A three phase approach. I hope that I might get those 28 years. 25 will be good I reckon.
I wondered if I'd regret the first 56 and actually I don't really nor do I regret the fact that I waited until now to break up and move out albeit there were some compelling reasons that I could have but I didn't take them and just moved on. The thing is that even if I did regret them, it's over and past and there's nothing I can do. As my friend used to remind me "You will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take".
I had a long chat with a friend of mine who was concerned about my health and what my current situation might be doing to me. Was he ever surprised when I explained how clear my thinking was these days and how it was like a burden lifted and how I was now finally free of the depression and upset that was a constant to my life. You can't continue to live like that no matter how much I liked to try and convince myself that I was doing the right thing hanging on in there, it really wasn't the right thing at all. So my friend's concern was soon replaced as I explained the changes that I was going through.
It is not to say there is some guilt arising from my actions as I've said Mrs. F. looks so sad and red eyed and I can't do anything to help that. The girls seem to be OK about things and pretty cool as I thought they would be. I can't imagine that anyone other than Mrs. F. thought that our existence was anything like a real marriage it was always two people revolving around each other.
I am hoping that things happen before Christmas and that I can move out and take stock, rebuild and then move on. It's not that I am feeling stressed it is that I genuinely want or feel that I need the space and the freedom to turn that new leaf over and start from a fresh page and use my time to build my business and to start again.
I reckon that there will be a little but not much collateral damage but it's like having Cancer, you lose some friends and you gain some, this time though I know not to take it personally if these people cannot deal with me or don't want to. That's their problem not mine and I am unlikely to make it my problem. I have no idea if anyone believes I have "done the wrong thing" or "done the dirty" on Mrs. F. I suppose I'll have to be ready for that. I feel I've done everything possible but I know that some people still feel it is "failure" and too easy to walk away from marriage and yet I've been trying to repair it for 15 years - you can only try for so long and go so far.
I can see that I will probably be a bit sad for a while just because it IS the end of this particular journey and the good times were very good indeed. The bad times weren't really bad or awful - they weren't good and it is not as if we argued all the time, threw stuff at each other or were ever violent. One wish I do have is that Mrs. F. comes to terms with it and doesn't ponder over the permutations of the past and moves on and can work out a way forward. It would be nice if she just sorted that out, meets someone and gets a life outside of the house, work and the children - it can't be me but I do hope that we can be friends and still meet up.
I like Flocky's explanation of the 3 ages of man - 28 years growing up 28 years with the wife and kids and then another 28 years (hopefully). A three phase approach. I hope that I might get those 28 years. 25 will be good I reckon.
I wondered if I'd regret the first 56 and actually I don't really nor do I regret the fact that I waited until now to break up and move out albeit there were some compelling reasons that I could have but I didn't take them and just moved on. The thing is that even if I did regret them, it's over and past and there's nothing I can do. As my friend used to remind me "You will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take".
I had a long chat with a friend of mine who was concerned about my health and what my current situation might be doing to me. Was he ever surprised when I explained how clear my thinking was these days and how it was like a burden lifted and how I was now finally free of the depression and upset that was a constant to my life. You can't continue to live like that no matter how much I liked to try and convince myself that I was doing the right thing hanging on in there, it really wasn't the right thing at all. So my friend's concern was soon replaced as I explained the changes that I was going through.
It is not to say there is some guilt arising from my actions as I've said Mrs. F. looks so sad and red eyed and I can't do anything to help that. The girls seem to be OK about things and pretty cool as I thought they would be. I can't imagine that anyone other than Mrs. F. thought that our existence was anything like a real marriage it was always two people revolving around each other.
I am hoping that things happen before Christmas and that I can move out and take stock, rebuild and then move on. It's not that I am feeling stressed it is that I genuinely want or feel that I need the space and the freedom to turn that new leaf over and start from a fresh page and use my time to build my business and to start again.
I reckon that there will be a little but not much collateral damage but it's like having Cancer, you lose some friends and you gain some, this time though I know not to take it personally if these people cannot deal with me or don't want to. That's their problem not mine and I am unlikely to make it my problem. I have no idea if anyone believes I have "done the wrong thing" or "done the dirty" on Mrs. F. I suppose I'll have to be ready for that. I feel I've done everything possible but I know that some people still feel it is "failure" and too easy to walk away from marriage and yet I've been trying to repair it for 15 years - you can only try for so long and go so far.
I can see that I will probably be a bit sad for a while just because it IS the end of this particular journey and the good times were very good indeed. The bad times weren't really bad or awful - they weren't good and it is not as if we argued all the time, threw stuff at each other or were ever violent. One wish I do have is that Mrs. F. comes to terms with it and doesn't ponder over the permutations of the past and moves on and can work out a way forward. It would be nice if she just sorted that out, meets someone and gets a life outside of the house, work and the children - it can't be me but I do hope that we can be friends and still meet up.
Inner Calmness - But Not All The Time :-)
Quite how you are meant to be able to maintain an inner calmness all of the time I have yet to master and I'm having some difficulty getting it right all the time but I am getting there.
Yesterday was a case in point and it took a good 15 minutes to stop thinking negative thoughts and dismiss them and get back on an even keel. I do have the tools to do that now and that to my mind is the greatest thing I have in my armoury these days. I can identify what is going on and deal with it. The TV comes on and the bad news spills out - I take the headlines and turn over. They start with "good Evening" and then proceed for 30 minutes to tell you why it isn't. It's not that I am not interested in the news just that I don't need all the argument and conflict that they seem to believe is necessary - tell me the news but stop giving me a one sided view of it. Just report what it is.
And so I deliberately switch off, change channel or go and do something else. I don't need all that pain inflicted on me, who does? Of course there's plenty of stuff going on in my life as it is and there are some reflections on that which lead me into bad places but I am stopping those too. I think the hardest things to divert are those "regrets" and "things you can't have" I mean opportunities which came my way and either I didn't take them or let them slip through my fingers or perhaps they were just not meant to be. Coming to terms with these which hold strong emotions and heart tugging decisions that may or may not have been made and may or may not have been in my ability to control has been difficult. What if though cannot be entertained because it is pretty futile and these things have passed.
Some of these experiences have been just wonderful, exciting, an emotionally charged roller coaster and then extinguished and behind me, or are they? There's the problem, where there's hope! I just have to work so hard to dismiss these thoughts and rely on the fact that if something happens then it happens. I don't feel that I should pursue a "lost cause" that I should waste energy and emotion doing something that is not logical and may not actually yield anything.
So I have to work very hard to relax and breath and then dismiss these nagging little ideas that come into my head. I found myself thinking about a wonderful time in my life and if I'd only had the strength to have done something about it but I didn't then, I can't know and so what it the point of it? It's the brain tricking me and questioning me over why I'm leaving Mrs. F. and what if I'd done something some years ago and wouldn't life be so much better etc., etc.
These are the hardest thoughts I have to deal with these days because most of the other stuff is gone and doesn't come back - this is obviously to do with perhaps a fear in the back of my mind that I may not meet someone in the future or something like that and it's irrational but of course might happen. I just have to repeat to myself that "This Too Will Pass" meaning it's got my attention but it can't hurt me and it is in the past and has happened and that it is no use worrying about whether something will happen in the future either. That's the other phrase I use to myself "It Will Be What It Will Be". Because I know what this is I can deal with it but it still doesn't always get you past that "what if" question :-) I hope I'll be able to stop thinking like that because it really isn't a fair question at all.
Yesterday was a case in point and it took a good 15 minutes to stop thinking negative thoughts and dismiss them and get back on an even keel. I do have the tools to do that now and that to my mind is the greatest thing I have in my armoury these days. I can identify what is going on and deal with it. The TV comes on and the bad news spills out - I take the headlines and turn over. They start with "good Evening" and then proceed for 30 minutes to tell you why it isn't. It's not that I am not interested in the news just that I don't need all the argument and conflict that they seem to believe is necessary - tell me the news but stop giving me a one sided view of it. Just report what it is.
And so I deliberately switch off, change channel or go and do something else. I don't need all that pain inflicted on me, who does? Of course there's plenty of stuff going on in my life as it is and there are some reflections on that which lead me into bad places but I am stopping those too. I think the hardest things to divert are those "regrets" and "things you can't have" I mean opportunities which came my way and either I didn't take them or let them slip through my fingers or perhaps they were just not meant to be. Coming to terms with these which hold strong emotions and heart tugging decisions that may or may not have been made and may or may not have been in my ability to control has been difficult. What if though cannot be entertained because it is pretty futile and these things have passed.
Some of these experiences have been just wonderful, exciting, an emotionally charged roller coaster and then extinguished and behind me, or are they? There's the problem, where there's hope! I just have to work so hard to dismiss these thoughts and rely on the fact that if something happens then it happens. I don't feel that I should pursue a "lost cause" that I should waste energy and emotion doing something that is not logical and may not actually yield anything.
So I have to work very hard to relax and breath and then dismiss these nagging little ideas that come into my head. I found myself thinking about a wonderful time in my life and if I'd only had the strength to have done something about it but I didn't then, I can't know and so what it the point of it? It's the brain tricking me and questioning me over why I'm leaving Mrs. F. and what if I'd done something some years ago and wouldn't life be so much better etc., etc.
These are the hardest thoughts I have to deal with these days because most of the other stuff is gone and doesn't come back - this is obviously to do with perhaps a fear in the back of my mind that I may not meet someone in the future or something like that and it's irrational but of course might happen. I just have to repeat to myself that "This Too Will Pass" meaning it's got my attention but it can't hurt me and it is in the past and has happened and that it is no use worrying about whether something will happen in the future either. That's the other phrase I use to myself "It Will Be What It Will Be". Because I know what this is I can deal with it but it still doesn't always get you past that "what if" question :-) I hope I'll be able to stop thinking like that because it really isn't a fair question at all.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Preparing For The Storm
Lots of warnings about a big storm coming in from the Atlantic for us. Gusts of 80 mph so they say and memories of the Great Storm of 1987 loom large when we lost fences and a lot of our trees and the widespread damage was in the millions of trees, local Sevenoaks ended up with just six of their seven Oaks standing.
It is expected to come in overnight and into the early hours of the morning - so let's hope things are OK. The wind direction might give us some problems as it is hitting the side of the house where I had the tiles come off in the last squall! It has just started to rain and get very blowy outside so a wild night ahead no doubt.
I am recovering from the funny turn of yesterday - I suppose I'll get these occasionally the nagging doubt and the "am I doing the right thing?" sort of stuff. Of course I'm doing the right thing but my brain doesn't always do logical things and so I just needed to fend that off.
I do think I am in a good place but perhaps there is a little fear about what is coming but I somehow believe that it will be a new adventure for me and that I will be able to rise to the challenge.
It is expected to come in overnight and into the early hours of the morning - so let's hope things are OK. The wind direction might give us some problems as it is hitting the side of the house where I had the tiles come off in the last squall! It has just started to rain and get very blowy outside so a wild night ahead no doubt.
I am recovering from the funny turn of yesterday - I suppose I'll get these occasionally the nagging doubt and the "am I doing the right thing?" sort of stuff. Of course I'm doing the right thing but my brain doesn't always do logical things and so I just needed to fend that off.
I do think I am in a good place but perhaps there is a little fear about what is coming but I somehow believe that it will be a new adventure for me and that I will be able to rise to the challenge.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Blast It - A bad Afternoon
I don't get many of these but it was a sudden blip and I must have let my guard down and thwack - a bunch of confusing thoughts entered my head. It was difficult because they were sad thoughts to start coupled with some really nice thoughts and then back to sad again. It was in the past and so that's the silly thing, it had happened and there was nothing I could do about it now and I tried but couldn't get rid of them before they upset me.
I'm fine again it was a 15 minute struggle to just get the thoughts out of my head. I reflected on a wonderful time in my life, it was a perfect summer day, insects buzzing around the heady perfume of flowers and in a secret garden and no one else around and it came flooding back to me in wonderful daydream colours and I could feel the warmth of the sun and the perfume of those flowers and the sound of the insects and I became sad because I suppose I felt that it would never happen again, that moment, those feelings, that moment in space and how it made me feel. I'll let you fill in the blanks shall I? :-)
It took all of my concentration to not get all maudlin about it and I managed it but with some difficulty and it was brought on by the merest of memories and blow me took me by complete surprise. However, in the past I'd probably have been upset for days about it but I'm OK, under control and whilst it took a little longer at least I did get it under control and was able to recall that it was in the past, that it can't be replayed and the sadness wasn't about then it was whether or not I would feel like that in the future and how stupid is that too. So once you boil this stuff down and bring it under control it is just silly and to me that's what I really needed to reprogramme my brain about. These triggers are all to do with my mind telling me things and using the situation to test whether I'm serious about what I'm doing and so on. It's all a nonsense and should be treated as such.
I'm fine again it was a 15 minute struggle to just get the thoughts out of my head. I reflected on a wonderful time in my life, it was a perfect summer day, insects buzzing around the heady perfume of flowers and in a secret garden and no one else around and it came flooding back to me in wonderful daydream colours and I could feel the warmth of the sun and the perfume of those flowers and the sound of the insects and I became sad because I suppose I felt that it would never happen again, that moment, those feelings, that moment in space and how it made me feel. I'll let you fill in the blanks shall I? :-)
It took all of my concentration to not get all maudlin about it and I managed it but with some difficulty and it was brought on by the merest of memories and blow me took me by complete surprise. However, in the past I'd probably have been upset for days about it but I'm OK, under control and whilst it took a little longer at least I did get it under control and was able to recall that it was in the past, that it can't be replayed and the sadness wasn't about then it was whether or not I would feel like that in the future and how stupid is that too. So once you boil this stuff down and bring it under control it is just silly and to me that's what I really needed to reprogramme my brain about. These triggers are all to do with my mind telling me things and using the situation to test whether I'm serious about what I'm doing and so on. It's all a nonsense and should be treated as such.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Concern For Me
Isn't it interesting that people are concerned for me - possibly more so than when I had cancer. Lots' of people are sympathising and "making sure I am OK" which is nice. Of course I don't suppose they are quite expecting to speak to the new me and when I respond how well I am feeling and that I'm quite happy with my situation and ready to move on it takes many people aback.
I suppose the interesting thing is that I'm instigating the break up and so in many ways I've had all the difficulties and the problems up to and including the time of breaking the news to Mrs. F. At that time, for right or for wrong, all my worries disappeared and all hers started and whilst I do feel sorry to inflict pain on anyone as I've said before, I offset that with the years of mini stabs I got for 15 years or more, the nights spent out in the garden staring at the sky, drinking a glass of scotch to simmer down as I don't do angry and yelling or physical violence I just take myself off somewhere and go calm down. These days I can calm down in a minute in a past life it could take me days to calm down.
Today, I am almost excited at the prospect of finding a place to live, starting my business up and getting to grips with living a life away from the house and Mrs. F.
Tomorrow I have a large Lodge meeting and some of the people I know will be told that I am leaving Mrs. F. Some already know but whatever it will be interesting to gauge reactions and see how many are worried about me. I'm looking forward to getting a few beers down my neck I have to say. I just fancy a few beers and a chat with some of my mates.
I suppose the interesting thing is that I'm instigating the break up and so in many ways I've had all the difficulties and the problems up to and including the time of breaking the news to Mrs. F. At that time, for right or for wrong, all my worries disappeared and all hers started and whilst I do feel sorry to inflict pain on anyone as I've said before, I offset that with the years of mini stabs I got for 15 years or more, the nights spent out in the garden staring at the sky, drinking a glass of scotch to simmer down as I don't do angry and yelling or physical violence I just take myself off somewhere and go calm down. These days I can calm down in a minute in a past life it could take me days to calm down.
Today, I am almost excited at the prospect of finding a place to live, starting my business up and getting to grips with living a life away from the house and Mrs. F.
Tomorrow I have a large Lodge meeting and some of the people I know will be told that I am leaving Mrs. F. Some already know but whatever it will be interesting to gauge reactions and see how many are worried about me. I'm looking forward to getting a few beers down my neck I have to say. I just fancy a few beers and a chat with some of my mates.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
And Now The Discussion Point
Or not perhaps. You see it was a long time ago that I spoke about whether there was some sort of plan going on here and well maybe there is and maybe there isn't.
I used to be what I'd call a religious person and when I was younger attended church and groups but after the age of about 20 none of it made any sense to me at all.
I maintain a belief in a supreme being but I now think that is a oneness and connectedness rather than a "being" a universal oneness perhaps. That's the best I can describe it as. Like 'The Force' in Star Wars perhaps? I think religion simplifies and allegories this oneness to make it explainable to the masses.
It's an interesting subject no doubt but not one worth arguing about but it does run through some of the things that have happened to me. My attitude is that things happen for a reason or tend to but I don't believe they are planned as such not in a grand plan way. I mean all that happened to me this year can be explained in logical terms except the meetings and the friendships and that sort of thing. By that I mean that things happened in such a way that it all worked out for me but it could have been different the timings and the actual people and perhaps the books and programmes I saw etc. It could have happened faster or slower. It could still be going on now and when I looked back I could have thought the same as I think now that it was Karma?
We distort what happens to us to fit sometimes? Why did I survive cancer? Well it was spotted early enough to do something about, I did everything I could to recover and changed my lifestyle to assist my treatment. I wanted to live, I was fit and healthy despite everything else. I didn't see any grand purpose at all. In many ways it did do something to me to allow me to explore myself and get to grips with all that was going on. I was never a paranoid, insecure, depressed person until I got cancer. It ripped away everything that I'd built up about myself my character my 'Ego' was torn down and I was stripped bare and naked and humiliated in front of my peers.
Well that's what it felt like. I prayed to be spared but I'm not certain that is where it is at at all. There are some words that describe "the vital and immortal principle within us all" and it is within us that we need to look for it is there that the answer lies. In many ways the concepts of state, residence, creed, colour and the like just need to be boiled down and removed, they don't exist except in the mind. Are you really 'English' or are you the same as everyone else on the planet, made of the same stuff as them and every other thing on the earth, the solar system and the universe? Take it all back down to basics and tear down the falsehoods of ethnicity, race, creed, nationality and what have you got?
I like some of the words in Desiderata "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." It's part of a greater thing. I read this yesterday. "What is life? It is the flash of a Firefly in the night. It is the breath of a Buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." -- Crowfoot
That's the simplicity of it all it all comes down to the flash of a Firefly and the breath of a Buffalo, these are the signs that God, whatever you conceive that to be, is inside you and everything else but it isn't a person, it is the message that person brought that the immortal principle is in every cell of your body, every space between the components of the atoms that once they have left your mortal shell will go and become part of something else.
I found that once I'd grasped that, everything started to fall into place and whether or not the events of the past were Karma or preordained something may have been at work but you just need to accept that it was the way it was, that was the past and that's the way it occurred and if it had been another way the results may have been different but that's it that's what happened. In retrospect it looks planned because you can see it no other way :-)
So to me it is the connection of the whole system and the connection with every living thing in the universe that is the glue holding it all together. I keep saying that reading 'A New Earth' will be useful because Eckhart Tolle can actually explain in his words far better than I can and has some far more powerful arguments too.
I used to be what I'd call a religious person and when I was younger attended church and groups but after the age of about 20 none of it made any sense to me at all.
I maintain a belief in a supreme being but I now think that is a oneness and connectedness rather than a "being" a universal oneness perhaps. That's the best I can describe it as. Like 'The Force' in Star Wars perhaps? I think religion simplifies and allegories this oneness to make it explainable to the masses.
It's an interesting subject no doubt but not one worth arguing about but it does run through some of the things that have happened to me. My attitude is that things happen for a reason or tend to but I don't believe they are planned as such not in a grand plan way. I mean all that happened to me this year can be explained in logical terms except the meetings and the friendships and that sort of thing. By that I mean that things happened in such a way that it all worked out for me but it could have been different the timings and the actual people and perhaps the books and programmes I saw etc. It could have happened faster or slower. It could still be going on now and when I looked back I could have thought the same as I think now that it was Karma?
We distort what happens to us to fit sometimes? Why did I survive cancer? Well it was spotted early enough to do something about, I did everything I could to recover and changed my lifestyle to assist my treatment. I wanted to live, I was fit and healthy despite everything else. I didn't see any grand purpose at all. In many ways it did do something to me to allow me to explore myself and get to grips with all that was going on. I was never a paranoid, insecure, depressed person until I got cancer. It ripped away everything that I'd built up about myself my character my 'Ego' was torn down and I was stripped bare and naked and humiliated in front of my peers.
Well that's what it felt like. I prayed to be spared but I'm not certain that is where it is at at all. There are some words that describe "the vital and immortal principle within us all" and it is within us that we need to look for it is there that the answer lies. In many ways the concepts of state, residence, creed, colour and the like just need to be boiled down and removed, they don't exist except in the mind. Are you really 'English' or are you the same as everyone else on the planet, made of the same stuff as them and every other thing on the earth, the solar system and the universe? Take it all back down to basics and tear down the falsehoods of ethnicity, race, creed, nationality and what have you got?
I like some of the words in Desiderata "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." It's part of a greater thing. I read this yesterday. "What is life? It is the flash of a Firefly in the night. It is the breath of a Buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." -- Crowfoot
That's the simplicity of it all it all comes down to the flash of a Firefly and the breath of a Buffalo, these are the signs that God, whatever you conceive that to be, is inside you and everything else but it isn't a person, it is the message that person brought that the immortal principle is in every cell of your body, every space between the components of the atoms that once they have left your mortal shell will go and become part of something else.
I found that once I'd grasped that, everything started to fall into place and whether or not the events of the past were Karma or preordained something may have been at work but you just need to accept that it was the way it was, that was the past and that's the way it occurred and if it had been another way the results may have been different but that's it that's what happened. In retrospect it looks planned because you can see it no other way :-)
So to me it is the connection of the whole system and the connection with every living thing in the universe that is the glue holding it all together. I keep saying that reading 'A New Earth' will be useful because Eckhart Tolle can actually explain in his words far better than I can and has some far more powerful arguments too.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
So Was The Cancer To Blame For Marriage Breakdown?
A tricky question is that one. I'm going to say that it was a contributory factor. I was already contemplating leaving before I got cancer but the girls were still young and I'd always thought I should go after the youngest was 16 (4 years ago). So I was hanging on when I got ill.
Afterwards there was a period when I really had no idea what I wanted to do, all I wanted was to get back to health and fitness and goodness knows it took a good long time too. You do however get an insight into life and the universe going through something like that I have to say.
There is though something fundamental that goes on. You do question your faith or your belief or whatever you believe in. You explore your own mortality and you do wonder what it is all about. Of course not everyone does, some treated their cancer like a nasty cold which I felt was pretty impressive! There are many explorations to seek the knowledge of your self and here is the rub, I only got there recently through a series of disconnected (on the outside) events.
SInce June of this year it all came together a series of unplanned and unrelated events that finally pulled all the various thoughts and randomness I had together. I met a young lady who spent lots of time with me and made me consider or reconsider everything. My business partner and friend introduced me to the writings of Eckhart Tolle and particularly his book 'A New Earth' which together with the Oprah Winfrey shows interviewing him (on Youtube) and listening to the audio book afterwards finally drilled it into me to just get on and make all the changes I had procrastinated about before. My good friend Flocky Bicep, bless him, has had his ear bent so far he could probably wear it as a scarf. We discussed all sorts of stuff and for me, a control freak if you ever met one, I let all that go and went with it.
So being challenged and introduced to new thinking by various people all unrelated to each other but by happy coincidence all arriving and departing my life in a short space of time the whole thing came together. It became obvious what I had to do, just thinking about it released my mind and gave me a freedom that I can hardly express to you.
I discovered a world outside of my comfort zone here and I liked what I saw, I liked that I could get out there and be myself and not be held back, criticised, despised, made miserable and then like the click of a switch I knew that one of the actions that had to happen was to initiate leaving Mrs. F.
Without doubt the cancer was a catalyst but it didn't start the process off that had been happening for a long while. What it did was to consolidate the reasons but I still wasn't ready to go. The girls are both over 20 years old now and that was a factor too. SO ticks in the box were that I was now well, that I had finally joined all the strands together and realised what it was that was giving me all the problems I was having and I had avoided these and I suppose no one wants to do something as unsavoury as this but then there was an overriding need to go and DO SOMETHING :-) Not as I thought to make a huge difference although with Doddle we had wanted to do that for society but it wasn't that, it was to stop wasting my life stuck here in my office and trapped in this prison cell.
I can get out and do something and today again, I made a difference in a few people's lives. A smile and a good morning, a thank you an acknowledgement (my waiter from the Curry house walking to work) all that sort of thing - that's all it means to make a difference in this world, it doesn't need to be a massive thing, lots of little things. Try and do it yourself, pay someone a compliment they weren't expecting, smile, be civil. Someone messing around in the car in front, don't drill the horn, let it be, it won't hold you up as long as you think and what are you actually doing? Does it make YOU feel any better? Probably the opposite.
SInce early August, once I got past that awful moment of spitting out that I wanted out, I have fixed all the chores in the house I needed to and have waited for years in some cases. I've moved things on with the business that I'd sat on for months and months. I've been a far nicer person and I'm the person I always used to and want to be again. It's great to be alive, it's good to go and do things and get out and enjoy life. I have to pack some stuff for eBay - in the old days I'd be all het up about it and annoyed but now it's fun to pack it up and wander up to the Post Office and then pop into the coffee shop and have a natter and say hello to people up there, wander back and listen to the birds singing in the trees and the wind whipping around the tops of the trees. Simple isn't it?
So to answer the original question - yes without doubt cancer changed everything but it was one of the threads that needed joining. Call it Karma but everything arrived at the right time. My Angel as I call her or perhaps a spirit guide made me question just about everything in my life and woke up parts of my brain that had gone dormant and lazy. Pulled out all the sad and awful stuff and eventually got rid of that. Then reading the book reinforced that with chats with my business partner.that culminated in one night going to bed, doing some of the exercises to flush your mind and waking up the next morning as if someone had power washed my brain and body and removed about 5 stones of weight - I still feel very strange - empty and receptive and light and happy, it's great. Flocky Bicep made me hold it all together and it hasn't been easy at all. I've had all sorts of emotions massive highs and lows and then it all came together in early August when I finally broke the news but it wasn't over then, there was another couple of shocks to come but now I'm fine, I'm out the other side. FInally all of these factors have re-built my confidence and where cancer stripped me off my self belief and confidence and stole much of who I was my friends through talking, introducing me to new concepts and supporting me have rebuilt my confidence and my self esteem and now I'm building on it day to day. I really like the new me - I hated my old self quite a bit, despised myself even. Once you get rid of the little voice in your head, dump your ego on it's arse and then stop all the fantasies and dreams that can never be achieved (unless you are doing this for fun) it all becomes clear, the road ahead isn't blocked nor is it dangerous, it's interesting, it's there to be taken and explored it beckons me to who knows where but I'm no longer frightened of it, it will be what it will be and can be no other way. Living for the now is great and the past is the past and that's that too.
I notice that the new me can still write and talk for England and if there were a gold medal - I might well win it! :-)
Afterwards there was a period when I really had no idea what I wanted to do, all I wanted was to get back to health and fitness and goodness knows it took a good long time too. You do however get an insight into life and the universe going through something like that I have to say.
There is though something fundamental that goes on. You do question your faith or your belief or whatever you believe in. You explore your own mortality and you do wonder what it is all about. Of course not everyone does, some treated their cancer like a nasty cold which I felt was pretty impressive! There are many explorations to seek the knowledge of your self and here is the rub, I only got there recently through a series of disconnected (on the outside) events.
SInce June of this year it all came together a series of unplanned and unrelated events that finally pulled all the various thoughts and randomness I had together. I met a young lady who spent lots of time with me and made me consider or reconsider everything. My business partner and friend introduced me to the writings of Eckhart Tolle and particularly his book 'A New Earth' which together with the Oprah Winfrey shows interviewing him (on Youtube) and listening to the audio book afterwards finally drilled it into me to just get on and make all the changes I had procrastinated about before. My good friend Flocky Bicep, bless him, has had his ear bent so far he could probably wear it as a scarf. We discussed all sorts of stuff and for me, a control freak if you ever met one, I let all that go and went with it.
So being challenged and introduced to new thinking by various people all unrelated to each other but by happy coincidence all arriving and departing my life in a short space of time the whole thing came together. It became obvious what I had to do, just thinking about it released my mind and gave me a freedom that I can hardly express to you.
I discovered a world outside of my comfort zone here and I liked what I saw, I liked that I could get out there and be myself and not be held back, criticised, despised, made miserable and then like the click of a switch I knew that one of the actions that had to happen was to initiate leaving Mrs. F.
Without doubt the cancer was a catalyst but it didn't start the process off that had been happening for a long while. What it did was to consolidate the reasons but I still wasn't ready to go. The girls are both over 20 years old now and that was a factor too. SO ticks in the box were that I was now well, that I had finally joined all the strands together and realised what it was that was giving me all the problems I was having and I had avoided these and I suppose no one wants to do something as unsavoury as this but then there was an overriding need to go and DO SOMETHING :-) Not as I thought to make a huge difference although with Doddle we had wanted to do that for society but it wasn't that, it was to stop wasting my life stuck here in my office and trapped in this prison cell.
I can get out and do something and today again, I made a difference in a few people's lives. A smile and a good morning, a thank you an acknowledgement (my waiter from the Curry house walking to work) all that sort of thing - that's all it means to make a difference in this world, it doesn't need to be a massive thing, lots of little things. Try and do it yourself, pay someone a compliment they weren't expecting, smile, be civil. Someone messing around in the car in front, don't drill the horn, let it be, it won't hold you up as long as you think and what are you actually doing? Does it make YOU feel any better? Probably the opposite.
SInce early August, once I got past that awful moment of spitting out that I wanted out, I have fixed all the chores in the house I needed to and have waited for years in some cases. I've moved things on with the business that I'd sat on for months and months. I've been a far nicer person and I'm the person I always used to and want to be again. It's great to be alive, it's good to go and do things and get out and enjoy life. I have to pack some stuff for eBay - in the old days I'd be all het up about it and annoyed but now it's fun to pack it up and wander up to the Post Office and then pop into the coffee shop and have a natter and say hello to people up there, wander back and listen to the birds singing in the trees and the wind whipping around the tops of the trees. Simple isn't it?
So to answer the original question - yes without doubt cancer changed everything but it was one of the threads that needed joining. Call it Karma but everything arrived at the right time. My Angel as I call her or perhaps a spirit guide made me question just about everything in my life and woke up parts of my brain that had gone dormant and lazy. Pulled out all the sad and awful stuff and eventually got rid of that. Then reading the book reinforced that with chats with my business partner.that culminated in one night going to bed, doing some of the exercises to flush your mind and waking up the next morning as if someone had power washed my brain and body and removed about 5 stones of weight - I still feel very strange - empty and receptive and light and happy, it's great. Flocky Bicep made me hold it all together and it hasn't been easy at all. I've had all sorts of emotions massive highs and lows and then it all came together in early August when I finally broke the news but it wasn't over then, there was another couple of shocks to come but now I'm fine, I'm out the other side. FInally all of these factors have re-built my confidence and where cancer stripped me off my self belief and confidence and stole much of who I was my friends through talking, introducing me to new concepts and supporting me have rebuilt my confidence and my self esteem and now I'm building on it day to day. I really like the new me - I hated my old self quite a bit, despised myself even. Once you get rid of the little voice in your head, dump your ego on it's arse and then stop all the fantasies and dreams that can never be achieved (unless you are doing this for fun) it all becomes clear, the road ahead isn't blocked nor is it dangerous, it's interesting, it's there to be taken and explored it beckons me to who knows where but I'm no longer frightened of it, it will be what it will be and can be no other way. Living for the now is great and the past is the past and that's that too.
I notice that the new me can still write and talk for England and if there were a gold medal - I might well win it! :-)
First appointment for the business in a short while
Off shortly for the first of a series of meetings about the business. It is surprising how long it takes to actually get all your ideas together and to then actually go and set things in motion. Today I'm meeting someone who owns a promotional business (printed gifts and the like) and hope to discuss getting some of my stuff from him and also to see if he can rent me his business address as I probably won't be allowed to operate a business out of rented accommodation. I looked at getting a PO Box but I'm not sure people would actually send me stuff (like family photos) to that.
I've talked to my graphics man who did my last company logos and style sheets and will catch up with him later this week too. Things are beginning to roll along nicely I just need to find a place to move to and then set up my office and systems in a new environment it's no use setting it all up here and then having to move on again.
At least it is all keeping me occupied :-)
I've talked to my graphics man who did my last company logos and style sheets and will catch up with him later this week too. Things are beginning to roll along nicely I just need to find a place to move to and then set up my office and systems in a new environment it's no use setting it all up here and then having to move on again.
At least it is all keeping me occupied :-)
Stressed? Angry? Upset?
Not me surprisingly. It was amazing to myself that I wasn't after telling Mrs. F. I wanted out. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do as, let's face it, I had been thinking about it for years and the last few days almost brought me to a standstill, my throat constricted I could hardly talk so stressed out was I by what I was about to do. My throat is better now after I saw my mum last week as that too was stressful especially being made to wait close to 10 weeks to say anything.
Immediately afterwards though, after I'd managed to cut through the guilt I felt in upsetting her, for I've never upset her like that before in my whole life - in fact I don't think I've ever done that to anyone - caused so much misery to them. I felt pretty wretched but once I'd reassured myself that I'd done the right thing - and goodness knows after all the years it was the right thing, the pressures lifted and the weight came off, the stress left my body and I was able to begin to breath properly and there was clarity of thought too. Suddenly, I was going to be "free" of this burden and I was going to be able to work on getting my life back.
It's a complete role reversal now. I see Mrs. F looking so sad these days and of course I feel for her and of course I sympathise but I'd felt like that for 15 years I have to keep reminding myself. I wouldn't say that to her of course. I just hope that she comes to terms with it as quickly as possible because she does look so very upset.
So I keep getting asked am I stressed out? "This must be a difficult time for you?" and the answer is no it isn't really. It feels no different from normal in the house, in fact we probably speak a bit more but only short sentences :-) When I actually get a place then it may be different but, whether it is wrong or not, I feel excited and charged up by the idea of moving on and then getting my own place, setting up my business and making a go of that and all those good things. Yes I'm super charged up and ready to face the world and whatever gets chucked at me.
Immediately afterwards though, after I'd managed to cut through the guilt I felt in upsetting her, for I've never upset her like that before in my whole life - in fact I don't think I've ever done that to anyone - caused so much misery to them. I felt pretty wretched but once I'd reassured myself that I'd done the right thing - and goodness knows after all the years it was the right thing, the pressures lifted and the weight came off, the stress left my body and I was able to begin to breath properly and there was clarity of thought too. Suddenly, I was going to be "free" of this burden and I was going to be able to work on getting my life back.
It's a complete role reversal now. I see Mrs. F looking so sad these days and of course I feel for her and of course I sympathise but I'd felt like that for 15 years I have to keep reminding myself. I wouldn't say that to her of course. I just hope that she comes to terms with it as quickly as possible because she does look so very upset.
So I keep getting asked am I stressed out? "This must be a difficult time for you?" and the answer is no it isn't really. It feels no different from normal in the house, in fact we probably speak a bit more but only short sentences :-) When I actually get a place then it may be different but, whether it is wrong or not, I feel excited and charged up by the idea of moving on and then getting my own place, setting up my business and making a go of that and all those good things. Yes I'm super charged up and ready to face the world and whatever gets chucked at me.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Very Poignant Bit Of Music
It's one of my favourite pieces of music at the moment. This, along with a number of others that made the soundtrack to my last 4 months. I'll let you work it out yourselves here is the one that is playing around in my head at the moment....
Then there is this one which also resonates a fair bit too.
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