So I was Invited

To be truthful I was being a bit devious by not asking whether there was a party last night or not and I thought I'd play it to the bitter end.  It sort of worked as Mrs. F wandered in saying was I coming?  Coming to what?  I then protested that I didn't think I was invited but apparently I was.  So as it was 10 minutes past when the party started I said I'd get ready and meet her there - I could do with the walk.

I did walk there arriving after her and left after her and walked back.  I think it was gone 2 am when I arrived back but there you go.  I enjoyed it but I was quiet for the first few hours - unusual for me but again - reflective mood I suppose.  It got livelier afterwards so that was OK.

I'm feeling still a little low but not sick or anything more flat I suppose you'd call it, neither happy nor sad - just in between.  I'm sure that will change eventually.

I think I am going to make it a point to drop off the drink in the New Year - at least the beer - in the last 4 weeks since I've been drinking leading up to Christmas I can see the affect on my waistline - it's frightening how quickly I've added a notch the wrong way on my belt.  of course I'm only 3 or 4 pound heavier but it really notices.  So once in the new place I will be on Red Wine only and no beer except for high days and holidays as they say.  Certainly I will not be having them everyday or once a week or more as it has been of late.

I think I will make a conscious effort to draw the line after New Year, get back on diet and go for some more weight loss and see what I can do.  

Progress Sure and Steady

It sounds like I'm down and yet I'm sort of low but it's just the situation here at the moment.  It's difficult to explain it I suppose but when you are in constant contact with someone you've lived with all your life and you are splitting up it's pretty easy to get on each other's nerves - twice today I've had a bite back.  I ask a question and get a sharp sound bite back that is all defensive and aggressive - it doesn't need to be as I calmly remind them (it isn't just Mrs. F) I didn't say why was something done in a certain way I asked where something was.  It's pretty simple stuff but it's like this all the time and it is just constant and wearing.  But then as Flocky and I discussed, it was like that all of our lives.

This slow, chipping away, this forever something wasn't right here or there or why are you doing that.  Today was a case in point.  No sooner had she arrived back with her Sister and her Boyfriend than I had to drop everything I was doing to go replace his car battery.  I don't mind doing these things but a bit of notice would have been nice or even an inkling that I was expected to be doing it.  I did get up and do it but this sort of attitude I've lived with all my life.  

There's a good article here about it - it's absolutely bang on.  Lots and lots of little niggles and digs and eventually it blows up into a big thing.  Things that actually don't need to be said.  They are power plays and again the book 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle looks at this Ego and Pain Body type stuff.  For me it meant years of erosion of my self esteem and my self confidence already laid bare through the cancer and all of that.  This 'misery' and 'pain' heaped onto me. 

I know well enough that it isn't long now until that goes away and I don't need to suffer or feel it anymore.  That will be great for me - a little unnerving to start with I am sure but I am sure I can grow into it and that's what I hope will happen.  I've always been quite OK with my own company and that's not a problem to me.  As long as I can have my music and get on and do my thing.  Make a few bucks here and there and just get on with my new life.  

How disturbing it has been that some people in the room knew our situation and others, Mrs. F's father, sister and brother (and their partners) did not know what was going on.  It was a surreal few days.  No wonder I felt strange.  I suppose it will be a bit difficult to deny anything has happened when I don't live here! :-)   

I just have to get through these days and realise that all these feelings are mixed.  Somewhere it is the feelings of the end of an era and all the good times we had - for we did have good times and then there's the other bit that's the guilt which I pile on myself but when I think about it I did just about everything I possibly could and it didn't change - it got worse.  Things are still bad - in fact no one has actually changed their behaviour that much I feel just as alienated as did last year as I do this.  I know it's the right thing to do - just knew that it was going to be difficult and a little sh1tty.  

Heavy Feeling

Life's sort of heavy at the moment - burdensome and it's that Mrs. F is here all day and so am I and the kids are here too.  Communications are kept to a business level and that's OK I think but it is very curt and matter of fact - at least we are talking :-) 

Not feeling great - haven't eaten at all today and it's gone 1 pm and still don't feel like eating anything at all.  I find that all this rich food doesn't really agree with me - not that I've over indulged on the food.  Now the beer I do seem to have gone through a little more than I thought I would have but that's me "coping" and seemingly the only drinker in the house - I guess it is me that drank all those cans :-)  

Nice to see Flocky for a few coffees this morning too that was good - lightens up my mood and he's in a good place too so  that's great news.  

I can't moan - I see on Facebook another chap who is having a particularly nasty divorce went around to walk the dog and bumped into the new man who had stayed overnight at his old house etc etc etc.  He didn't see the funny side - who would :-(  Poor sod he is the "victim" as such I suppose there's the instigator and the victim in all of these.  Mrs. F. is the victim in our particular case but living in the same house for the moment has been a strain - at least I know it's not long to go now and I can get away and hopefully take a few days to get my head around it and then take a deep breath, gird up my loins and move on.  :-)  

I believe there is a party tonight.  I have no idea if I am invited, no one has told me about it but I am aware it is happening.   Wondering whether to go or not anyway!  

Here comes the bad weather again

Really windy again outside.  Had a funny old day again today - didn't feel great to start with and after a few drinks seemed to come back into kilter again.  I'm pretty certain it is that I know it's my last Christmas here and together with the family.  It was so strange to know that half the room knew and half didn't and funnily I've only let slip one detail about getting a place to start my business so it wasn't too bad!

We've had a small mouse infestation - two of the little blighters met their maker last night and I think I just heard one of the traps go off again a few moments ago.  

Got a note from my friend who didn't call me - apologising about that but it isn't a problem.  Got a note from someone who bid for some stuff on eBay, ignored me every day that I wrote and sent invoices suggesting that her baby had done the bidding :-) Of course that's possible but not on successive days surely?  So it's out of my hands and I suggested they contact eBay with the excuse - it's good but not realistic!

As for me, well I'm OK but a little sad because I know that this year marks the end of this sort of family gathering and whilst I'm separating from my wife I kind of realise that I'm also separating from my kids too - not that I want to but that's what it feels like and I didn't expect that.  I was interested to hear that L may be going on holiday with Mrs. F. this year and that our trip to Las Vegas may not be on as L thinks she will be working.  I kind of think that you should do what pleases you but no one else thought I was right.  Ho Hum.  She's 21 and apparently legally able to drink in the US - of course here it is 18.

Me, well I'm past Christmas and Boxing day and heading off towards New Year's Eve and so far so good.  I kind of feel very strange indeed and I just know that it is because change is coming.  Change I want, change that I know needs to happen but also there has to be a certain amount of trepidation in that too.  There's also the life that I dreamed of but won't be fulfilled.  All my earlier dreams of the summer aren't going to happen and that to me is a huge disappointment but I've learnt to live with that now but it still remains a problem that sort of recurs and whilst I can deal with it, I don't always manage to catch it in time.  Maybe I will have the life I desire but it wont be this year coming.  Perhaps I will find myself able to choose a direction - I don't know.  The main thing is to deal with the present, dismiss the past and not worry about the future.  That seems to me to be goal I can achieve quite easily.

Not Right Though

I'm hoping that it is just the rich food that's making me feel not to well - I'd guess it is also stress and slightly underlying feelings associated with this particular Christmas.  My mate used to swear by Brandy and Port as something to ease things out - it seemed to work yesterday not so much today though.  Been crazy as Sister In Law's boyfriend's car wouldn't start last night so we managed to get it going with jump leads and she has just rung up with him not feeling well - stuck in a layby and so A and Mrs. F. have gone off to rescue them.  

We are expecting more people around today and I do feel slightly shaky - not sure what it is but there you go.  

Oh well - let's hope that they rescue them, I settle down a little and we have another good day given the circumstances.  I know this is only a temporary thing, these feelings and they will soon go away.  

Not Too Bad

Excepting that Mrs. F got me a small present and I didn't get her one.  That's OK though.  It was a much better day than I could have envisaged.  

So far so good.  I am pretty pleased that it has gone so good so far.

Damn It I Feel Sad

I've been kept out of the preparations for most of the day and they've all gone to Church and I've just had a shower and suddenly I've come over all sad and it's bound to be that this is the last Christmas that I'll be in this house, in this situation and that somehow I'd expected things to be a bit different.  I didn't expect to still be here for Christmas I suppose which is a big change.  Additionally I also guess that I had thoughts of sharing it with someone else - but that was just a pipe dream and could never be either.

The combination of being the "bad" guy tonight and being on my own in a house full of people is a bit disturbing.  I'll make the most of it though.  I've not been tempted to have a drink yet - I've eaten a big lunch so as to make sure there is something to settle any booze onto.  I am aware that I need to take it easy too.

I hope it will be a good night tonight I'd hate to think that through my presence it would disturb any harmony there may be there.  I suppose it's up to everyone else - if they don't want to be happy I reckon.  I will go there with the right attitude and just see how it pans out.

I don't expect to be cut too much slack from Mrs. F and the girls although L is always good value so I hope that she helps to make the evening.  Just need to grin and bear it I suppose.

And So It Begins

I was interested to read an article recently in the Daily Mail (OK it raises your blood pressure and isn't really news at all).  I've managed to wean my mum off reading it because it is a stream of bad news and over hyped news threads that are there, after all, to sell newspapers and to play on the pain body of people.  

The article says a fair bit about emasculation and I have to say I related to it because over the years that's how I've felt it has been.  Regular readers will remember where things that need to be done in the house need to be done NOW.  If I don't drop what I'm doing it gets attempted to be done as if I'm at fault.  Today is an interesting point.  I normally do a fair amount of the preparation for Christmas Day on Christmas Eve.  I especially do the Gammon, my speciality.  Not today - that's being done now by Mrs. F and the children.  Preparing the Veg.  No that's also been done. So that's all my usual jobs gone for today.  Heaven alone knows if I will get a look in tomorrow to do the meal itself.  I imagine I will but we will see.  

I'm now keeping out of the way as it is just too difficult and I've been ignored twice already - not sure if she's deaf or just being obtuse.  As I said to Flocky - I've only got to endure this for this year.  I have no idea what I will do next year and does it matter?  Probably not.  It's going to be a rough few days I know but I can ride this out, I've ridden out bad storms before and I know that once this is over, I can be on my way and it's behind me then.

I like the idea of drawing the line (previous posting) and then moving on from there.  I wonder whether I will just spring clean my friends and contacts and start anew?  It is very tempting to just sever all ties with many of them and just forget about them and move on.  It clears away cobwebs and history, it removes temptation and allows me some freedom to move on and upwards.

I find the thing that I will miss the most about not being here in the Village is the opportunity to go for my walks and silly things like heading to the Curry House or the local Pub, the Post Office and those familiar places and faces.  It is the place I've lived longest having lived here twice.  It feels like home in many ways.  I may well be able to move back this way or around here somewhere.  Time will tell.

So - it is interesting that Mrs. F. is keeping herself very busy at the moment - her way of dealing with it and at the same time, I don't think it is deliberate, I'm edged out of all my usual duties.  Just like I was on everything else I used to do.  It's been a gradual erosion of my position since the kids were born I think.  It's been coming for years and years and like most blokes, I do anything to keep the peace and in fact added to the downfall.  I see that I've just been one to go with the flow but that's led me here.  Oh well hindsight is a wonderful thing, it felt at the time I was doing the right thing.

I need to be on my guard today not to hit the booze too - it is very easy when we go to the party to drink especially if I am being ignored or isolated which I have no doubt will happen as Mrs. F. will seek out and be in the kitchen with the other ladies.  Maybe the lads will spend a bit of time with me - not holding my breath though.  

As I said earlier, this time next year this will all be over and I'll be doing something else I guess.  It doesn't matter what that something is as long as I'm happier then than I am now (not difficult).  Looking forward to 2014 and to say goodbye to 2013 a year of so many emotions, contrasts and of such change.  It's had absolutely everything.

Exactly - Now's The Time

Time to draw a line under everything that has gone before and move on with a nice new sheet of paper.  The past is history and doesn't need to come along on the new journey.  Time to leave my regrets and disappointments as I can't do anything about them, they've happened and that's that.

Live for the now.

And So - It Is Time To Accept Your Medicine And To Move On

When I was really ill and I had to have Chemotherapy I realised that I'd have to "accept my medicine" and as hard and as stressful as it was, I would have to go through with it if I were to combat the Cancer and if I was to give myself any chance of being well again.  There's a pay off for the pain you go through and whilst it isn't a measure of efficacy it is a re enforcement of "no pain no gain" sort of psyche.  

The reason that I'm taking all this so well is that it isn't the physical pain nor the mental pain that can get me - I know that.  I try my very hardest not to be affected but I'm not always successful at it.  Waves of self doubt wash over me but I know that my course is true, that my cause is just and that I am doing the right thing.

What I wish for myself right now, is not attainable which is unfortunate.  I will not end up with the person I wanted to end up with, in the circumstances I dreamed of and that met my dreams and overactive imagination.  So disappointment all around in many ways.  My dreams and my ambitions of many years lie ruined at my feet.   Or do they?  I cannot write off my marriage, my children nor my life up until now.  They are what they are.  I'm proud and love my children very much and they've turned out to be very nice human beings :-)  In many ways my wife and I were very happy for many years and built this life and all the material things around us.  

I say it is all in ruins but perhaps that's because at the moment it does look like that.  Beyond the veneer I expect it to be a lot different.  I see my life changing significantly and I do hope that Mrs. F. will grasp the opportunity to move on in her life too.  I so hope so.

An evening with Flocky was good tonight to sort of tune our heads again.  He had last year the Christmas I am about to endure.  My last family one, half the people around Christmas day will know what is going on and half will not.  It is difficult but once this is over - new opportunities arise and new horizons appear.  I feel that it is already taking place and acceptance is near.  It is awkward as we look back to about 24 years or more of family Christmas gatherings.  Presents on Christmas Day and the joy of being a family together.  I feel like the "baddie" in the Pantomime - all the audience hissing and spitting at me :-) Oh well - it wont last long and I can move on.  This time next year will be whatever life has in store for me.

How the New Year calls me on to greater things and how I look forward to being my own person again.  At the moment I am not really getting to grips with the business and other things because I'm still stuck here in the house which has "atmosphere" shall we say.  Roll on 2014 and a new leaf in my life. 

Christmas Starts Today

The Turkey and other bits will arrive courtesy of DHL if they can battle through the gales and rain that is (Update: Arrived).  The house looks ready, I've hopefully wrapped and am about to post the last of the eBay stuff (for a while).  I've managed to get up after an awful night's sleep.  Frankly I should have slept like a log but was having a number of things rattling around in my head mainly related to a phone call I am going to have at lunchtime today.

I haven't spoken to "my Angel" for over 5 months now and whilst we exchange pleasantries online we haven't spoken for real since I met her briefly for a coffee one day.   She means so much to me but in the New Year I need to be in a position where she meant so much to me.  That little change in tense should say why I was in a bit of turmoil overnight because it's a statement of moving on and letting go of my past and despite all that happened in 2013 and all that it meant, how I felt, how it enabled me to finally become self-aware and the great debt I owe, the only way to really repay that is to make use of it and move on.  

Because it feels ungrateful it gives me problems but also whatever thoughts and ideas I may have had about the future haven't happened, aren't likely to happen and cannot be forced to happen and anyway, none of it is in my control either.  It's like Tantalus and I will never be able to achieve what lies ahead if stay in the same place grasping for the same thing - it isn't going to happen.  Being human often means that you grip on and chase things that are impossible or can never happen.  If they were meant to happen then they would.  It's no use trying to force it.

I have no doubt that we will remain friends but I want today to be a turning point for me.  So much is changing around this time of year.  It's my last Christmas in this house, my last "together" so to speak.  It will be the last as a family unit and I have no idea what it will be like next year.  I have no idea of my situation.  The New Year is always a good starting point for resolutions etc, a milestone of sorts and I won't be able to go into 2014 carrying any baggage.  I'm sure there will be some and that there are regrets and of course everything isn't ideal.  I just made myself "poor" and of course made Mrs. F. the same but it isn't all about that by any means.  

The one thing that has to come about has to be for me to become happier and to live my life and start to rebuild and enjoy myself.  I find it a shame that I've been "unhappy" for such a long time and didn't do anything about it.  Soon, I'll be in a position to be happy and to have, as near as possible a clean sheet of paper to work with. Let's hope I make the most of my opportunities and just enjoy it every day.  Keeping the worries about the future at bay will be a challenge but I have the tools to do that - I just need to work on using them and keeping positive.

It's Too Easy

To do what I did today.  I went out for a walk, went to both pubs in the village and had just a few beers and soaked up the atmosphere.  Got an invite to New Year's Eve at the Woodman (maybe I'll go).  What was too easy was that on the way home I bought half a bottle of Scotch and I note that 3/4 of that is gone!  I don't feel particularly drunk - I've been drinking steadily all day I suppose.

Got another one of "those" moments as well when told I'd need to be in Monday as the food was being delivered - it was the first I'd heard as I was told that both girls would be in.  Let's hope it arrives early in case I need to be out!  Thanks for the notice.  I shouldn't be surprised either that people just go to bed without saying goodnight and people come and go and don't tell me.  I suppose that's just making me feel like I feel anyway :-)  It will soon be over and that's what I keep telling myself - in a month it will all be over and I can get on with a newish life and have none of these "pressures" and pains.  Well that's what I hope anyway.

It was interesting that things are being put in boxes for me - like all my Chinese crockery and other stuff of mine.  In a way I'm glad that it is beginning to be like that - much as it hurts - it does mean Mrs. F. has accepted that it is going to happen.

Sunday - Should Have Been Going Out

But wasn't certain that being set up with a blind date just before Christmas was actually a good thing.  It's like the body isn't cold yet and I'm really not ready for all of this again, not so soon anyway.  I am recovering from the shock and disappointment and I'm not sure how I would react or behave because despite saying it isn't affecting me as much as it may perhaps should I'd be a very cold fish indeed if it wasn't affecting me in some way.

I wondered whether to just jump on a Plane after Christmas - perhaps I will if it isn't nice.  Or maybe go hit some other bolt hole.  As usual though I really need to be here to have a look at the house but I suppose if that got sorted PDQ then maybe I could head off for a while.  But wait, I have a committee meeting to attend to as well!  And yet again once that and a few other things are out of the way perhaps a short break might be a good thing?  Who knows - I can work on that later no doubt.

Not to plan

Things haven't been going to plan all day today.  Was having breakfast well actually cooking it when Estate Agent rang saying had we had an appointment made to see the house?  Well no we hadn't.  She had an appointment at 10:30 apparently and Flocky and I didn't want to miss that for sure so we asked to see at 10:00.  Poor old Flocky was only just out of bed so he flew over here - I had half of my planned breakfast a rushed Espresso and off we went.  We got there to find that no one was in the house so we couldn't view it anyway.  

We headed back to the coffee shop and had a few coffees and I then had to head off for a lunch with a few of the lads.  That was quite nice and interestingly we went to the Chinese restaurant we had been to recently where I had over done the Sake!!  Pleased to say I didn't do that but we had a nice meal followed be a few beers but surprisingly - it was all over by 5:30 and so I was home at 6:00.  

Then Mrs. F. was dressed up to the nines ready to go to her company's Christmas Lunch - which is great - it's nice to see her actually in nice clothes and smelling good.  Shame she doesn't do it more often IMHO.  I hadn't recalled her telling me but of course, these days I have to do a fair bit of mind reading! :-)

Soon I'll be out of here and I won't need to worry about what is going on or who is doing what and so on.  In many ways I'm pretty glad about that.  It kind of hurts too somehow.  I'm going to have to do some more things that hurt soon as I cut away from the house.  I do need to work on a plan to make sure I don't lose touch with my children and so I will have to ensure that I keep in touch with them.  

This arrived in my inbox today - I thought it was rather poignant:

"You are not IN the Universe, you ARE the Universe, an intrinsic part of it.  Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the Universe is becoming conscious of itself.  What an amazing miracle."

Eckhart Tolle

Business Like

I'd say that Mrs. F. and I always did have a business like approach to things especially finances.  We actually sat down and worked out some financial stuff last night and we didn't get upset or tearful we just got on and sorted stuff out.  It was interesting as we need to cancel one lot of credit cards - well they want to charge us for the privilege of owning them and as I have another 3 or 4 cards that don't cost me - what's the point?  They didn't even argue the point...  You'd have thought they'd want to retain a customer.

It's the main credit card so I have to change all the people I have it registered with to my new one when that arrives!  Doh :-)  Actually it isn't too sad as long as I remember which one is which.  We are both going to now have our own accounts and of course that's fun too.  Who pays what bills and so on.  Mine is going to take a massive set of hits in the next two or three months.  Mainly with paying the rent for 6 months and any deposit and any other incidentals.  On top of that I have the investment in the business to make which whilst I can make in stages is still needed in less than 6 weeks start to finish I'd suggest.

For the first time in a long time, I found this morning as the sun shone in to the kitchen and I made breakfast that I felt a twinge of regret almost pain at what is about to happen.  Whilst I've felt bad all along, this is certainly a different feeling it was knowing that I'll be moving out of here, my home for all this time and that I'll be setting a new course and direction.  The main thing I suppose is not to worry about the future too much it will be what it will be and worrying about it will achieve nothing at all.  If I'm there for 6 months or 6 years it matters not, it's the journey, it's the ability to release and break free of the boundaries and barriers that were set and closed in on me over time.  

I see that over the years there was a general erosion going on.  When I first got married I managed to listen to and play music of all kinds on my guitars and keyboards etc.  I was able to look after an enormous garden, we made wine, beer and all sorts of jams and things from the gardens and hedgerows.  I played Golf regularly (my golf clubs are rusted, dusty sticks in the garage now).  I used to play Squash and Badminton - the latter to a good level.  I read books avidly.  Now more recently I've read more and more thank goodness.  I used to write creatively and again, recently have gone back to it. 

No wonder I felt claustrophobic, the walls of my life kept narrowing down on me and the straight jacket threatened to completely strangle me.  I feel much better having written these few sentences because in essence this is exactly why I am leaving and more so why I am excited too.  Of course I'm going to regret giving up what many would envy as being a good life.  I have everything I could ever need and almost don't need to work.  But at what cost to myself and also if I am honest, to Mrs. F. too.  What would it be like for me to be like I've been these past few years.  I've been depressed and moochy, I've been faddish trying to sort out what on earth was wrong with me.  I've flitted around trying to work on my general health and my mental health and if I'd stayed she would have had to deal with someone who wouldn't have been happy and who was sinking deeper and deeper into a depressive state.  

Well - that's quite enough from me this morning - I need to get a few things done - some more stuff to post off and my daughter L comes back from Uni later so that will brighten the place up and we can perhaps decorate the house and make it look a little like Christmas and see if we can get Mrs. F. cheered up a little.  She just can't be bothered to do anything and we need to step up to the plate and do something about that.  I also don't want everyone else to feel not wanted when they are round here.  It's unfortunate that since I've mentioned it, many people thought that they weren't really welcome when they came around here.  I know on occasion I've had to apologise over Mrs. F's apparent gloomy demeanour.  I suppose I'm used to not getting an answer when I talk to her or getting one of her looks.  At least no one need worry about that if they pop around and see me next year!

I feel better already - I have written all this down somewhere so I don't keep falling back into the trap of why did I do this and am I doing the right thing :-) 

Well That's An Education

Interesting place but a little smaller than I thought - it would probably do but the agent suggested somewhere else so we had a quick look at the outside and it does look good.  Flocky had a laugh though as it is opposite someone we actually know which is funny - of all the roads and all of the houses..... :-) It's strange how often that sort of thing happens and you bump into someone or something unexpected comes up.

Hopefully we will get to see it tomorrow or Saturday.  At least it isn't on a long contract and also looks like we might be in a bargaining position too on that one.  

Still no decorations up here - not sure if the girls are going to sort it out or not - I will wait for instructions before doing anything.  On the way back Flocky dropped me off nearby where there is an old fashioned Greengrocer shop - Mmmmm I have some lovely Chestnuts and have rescued my Chestnut Pan and will roast a few off tonight - yummy.

I've tidied up downstairs and have loads of junk now in my office - not quite the plan I had in mind when I started.  I still have loads of CDs and LPs and Singles lying around - I will just have to work out what to do about them once I get to a point of knowing what I'm doing.  I suppose I could continue to sell them but it is getting tiresome now.  I may well offer these out to someone if the Charity Shops don't want them.  

I'm trying to get into the mood by listening to Christmas songs but it isn't working at the moment.  I think L will be back from Uni tomorrow so that will cheer the place up as she's as mad as a box of Frogs and so at least the house will be happier than it is now - not difficult I have to say.

So, an Education?  This rental malarkey is all a bit different and it's easier to be a layabout and get a rental property than Flocky and I who have no debts, no mortgage and no credit "history" as such.  How funny that it is difficult for us and we have no problems actually paying!  You gotta laugh!

So onwards and upwards.  They say moving house and divorcing are the two most stressful things you can do and we are doing them at the same time :-)  It isn't so much the stress although I can feel the tension but it's the upheaval and suddenly after 25 years here I've got so much junk - still - and I've cleared a load of it out.  It is funny that I have loads of stuff like guitars, amplifiers, piano, two keyboards, a trumpet and music stands and books.  Two huge exercise machines and suddenly space starts to be at a premium.  Luckily Flocky has a house full of stuff so I may get away with a small move now and then have to work out what to do later in the year and dependant on what happens with this house will determine what my next move may be.

Reality Bites

I told Mrs. F. that Flocky and I are starting to look at property - and there's one that looks good we are seeing in the morning.  It's just about ideal in terms of what we can see on the photos and description.  Quite nice and far enough to be out of the way from here but not too far.  I know the area a little too so that's good.

Spoke to Mrs. F. tonight and she is quite business like about the finances and we are going to adjust some of our finances especially Credit Cards and the like.  I have some in my name and have applied for some others to give me a bit of flex really.  There's stuff all over the place so we will rationalise that but I have a lot of things that are set up to come out of the credit card so I need to go and adjust that pretty quickly.  Things could all go pretty quickly by the looks of it - we will see tomorrow when we go view the property.  Hopefully it is still available as they had some other people there earlier.  Mind you they also had another property which was a little closer to me - 15 minutes walk I suppose.  That is also a good back up.

Anyway - will see in the morning but I suddenly feel very different tonight than I have before because it is now the business end of leaving the house and I can see that Mrs. F. appears to be able to discuss, in short measures, what is going on.  Bless her.  Let's hope that this can be done as painlessly as possible and that we don't hurt each other more than we have to.

Well let's see how it goes.  It's exciting and daunting all at the same time.  After last night I really felt that I wanted to be out after Christmas - just because it is so depressing here at the moment.  We don't know how to deal with each other being here and if I am out of the way at least we can text or email each other and sort stuff out like that.  I can come back to the house when she isn't here and take it from there.  I think I will be quite sad to leave this house in many ways as it is where the girls grew up but life moves on and change is a constant.

I think I've squared a few other things in my head as well now.  It isn't surprising that my head is awash with details and loose ends and I think I said that I'd lose some friends and in some ways I'm going to have to do the losing of some myself.  By that I mean - put them into the distance and not to proactively encourage them unless by some miracle they decide to continue the friendship.  I feel sad that this will be an outcome but I need to give myself every opportunity of this being a clean break and a new beginning and I need to "divorce" myself not just from Mrs. F. but also from much of the flotsam & jetsam that washed up on the shores of my brain.  Some relationships are dead and over, some are on life support, some aren't as strong as they could or should be, some are imaginary and some will never fruit let alone blossom.  Hard as it is, these have to be cut out of my life and cast aside as they aren't helping me move on.

This hard pruning sounds drastic but I'm guessing you just have to do it.  These people are part of my old life - if they bring something new to my new life then maybe, just maybe we regrow the relationship.  Let's see what happens.  

If it is possible to be excited and apprehensive all at the same time then that is what I am.

House Hunting

It's taken a while but here we are near enough to smell the coffee.  Seeing Flocky in a short while to go through a couple of places and maybe to see if this place which is local to us might be worth having a look at.  It certainly looks doable and covers both of our requirements.

I had a funny old night, my friend was over so we went for a beer and very nice that was too and then for some reason I got all hung up on something trivial (it happens) and tortured my mind and didn't catch it quick enough to stop it going around in my mind.  I thought about it this morning and dismissed it in a second!  Stupid brain, I hate the way it does this.  I know what it is all about - it's the coming Christmas and New Year and it is also about turning my back on one part of my life and moving off in a new direction and I couldn't see beyond the sadness of it and of course it is just a change that's going to happen.  I think some of the these thoughts are reactions are just unexpected - you know that they are coming but you can't "experience" them until they happen.  But there you go.

It's all about change and moving on and it's also a bit about leaving behind many things and that was also about realising that I'm "letting go" of more than the marriage it is also the life I had and in some way I think I'm going to lose some friends too because maybe that's the way it rolls.  I should be used to it because that's what happened when I got ill.  

I know once I am out of here and onto my new venture that I will be able to spend real time building something and also not "feeling guilty" about things - I certainly note that I am whether by accident or design taking on that sort of mantle.  I feel really bad for what I am doing and I'm the one being contrite and humble all the time.  That too will fall away and go I'm sure.  

I know I'm bound to be upset, confused and the like - it is going to go with the territory without doubt.

Lonesome Day

Well no one has come back yet so it's been a quiet (apart from my music) day so far.  I had to reset my mobile phone yet again - must be the 4th time in 2 years! Damn thing so it is back to where it was and I've had to upload Apps and type in huge huge passwords - I tend to use massive passwords to help security - it is a pain in the arse when it comes to this sort of thing though.  

I'm almost free of posting stuff out now - have some non-payers which is annoying to say the least as they just waste your time and who wants that?  I have had one of the deliveries I was waiting for arrive bang on 1 pm so that was good but of course I missed the funeral.  These things happen of course!  I'm waiting for my festive coffee pack to arrive - that will cheer me up as there are some speciality coffees in there which will be nice to have over Christmas.

I have finished, just about, all the Christmas Cards now and just need to arrange with Mrs. F. which are to be dropped off (I can do a number on Saturday) and which need posting and that's the lot then.

I think there's some cleaning up of the house to do - I've arranged to see the Asthma Nurse in the New Year so that's all OK and she can do my Blood Pressure at the same time.  Will have to see if I'll need an inhaler or not :-(  Don't fancy that but as an ex-smoker I may need it.  

I think that's most of the stuff under some sort of control now apart from working out what I am going to take with me, how to resolve and split bank accounts and so on.  That's my next job. 

A Taste Of Things To Come

I'm in a strange place at the moment.  Home alone, Mrs. F. and the girls have been out for some sort of birthday bash in Cambridge and they are staying there overnight I guess.  I was hoping someone would be here to pick up some of the deliveries arriving so I could go to one of the Lodge member's funeral.  That looks unlikely so I will have to stay here for the deliveries.

I've got some posting to to do too and a load more eBay stuff probably the last major posting the rest can be done piecemeal.

The house is empty so I have my music on a little louder than I would normally at this time of night listening to Steven Wilson and Drive Home - featured on an earlier post (and below again).  It pulls me back to listen to it's message again and again.  It's about breaking free from the past and moving on and it is one of my tracks of 2013 alongside so many others I could list - perhaps I ought to do that.  Perhaps I ought to come clean with you all and tell you what really has been going on in the background unless you've read right in between the lines and got past the innuendo and false trails.

Life is so simple and so complex for me all at the same time at the moment.  I feel great excitement and anticipation at the opportunity to turn the page and write a new history, a new chapter for myself.  I do however look back at some wonderful moments this year that have slipped through my grasp and pulled me up short of my dreams and desires.  Such my friends is how 2013 was for me it has been a momentous year.  How I wished I'd known what I know now - 20 or 30 years ago :-)