When I was really ill and I had to have Chemotherapy I realised that I'd have to "accept my medicine" and as hard and as stressful as it was, I would have to go through with it if I were to combat the Cancer and if I was to give myself any chance of being well again. There's a pay off for the pain you go through and whilst it isn't a measure of efficacy it is a re enforcement of "no pain no gain" sort of psyche.
The reason that I'm taking all this so well is that it isn't the physical pain nor the mental pain that can get me - I know that. I try my very hardest not to be affected but I'm not always successful at it. Waves of self doubt wash over me but I know that my course is true, that my cause is just and that I am doing the right thing.
What I wish for myself right now, is not attainable which is unfortunate. I will not end up with the person I wanted to end up with, in the circumstances I dreamed of and that met my dreams and overactive imagination. So disappointment all around in many ways. My dreams and my ambitions of many years lie ruined at my feet. Or do they? I cannot write off my marriage, my children nor my life up until now. They are what they are. I'm proud and love my children very much and they've turned out to be very nice human beings :-) In many ways my wife and I were very happy for many years and built this life and all the material things around us.
I say it is all in ruins but perhaps that's because at the moment it does look like that. Beyond the veneer I expect it to be a lot different. I see my life changing significantly and I do hope that Mrs. F. will grasp the opportunity to move on in her life too. I so hope so.
An evening with Flocky was good tonight to sort of tune our heads again. He had last year the Christmas I am about to endure. My last family one, half the people around Christmas day will know what is going on and half will not. It is difficult but once this is over - new opportunities arise and new horizons appear. I feel that it is already taking place and acceptance is near. It is awkward as we look back to about 24 years or more of family Christmas gatherings. Presents on Christmas Day and the joy of being a family together. I feel like the "baddie" in the Pantomime - all the audience hissing and spitting at me :-) Oh well - it wont last long and I can move on. This time next year will be whatever life has in store for me.
How the New Year calls me on to greater things and how I look forward to being my own person again. At the moment I am not really getting to grips with the business and other things because I'm still stuck here in the house which has "atmosphere" shall we say. Roll on 2014 and a new leaf in my life.
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