You've invited your folks around for Christmas Day and Boxing Day and you haven't told them or only a few of them (who are sworn to secrecy) that we are splitting up. Now it's my fault and despite you not wanting me in the house which I am doing something about now you are leaving the house and threatening "might as well be dead" to me. Well it has been just the most unpleasant weekend I can ever imagine so far but actually I'm still OK with it.
I cannot remember where in the Kubler Ross cycle this is but it is back to where we were 5 months ago and I know that it sometimes happens. It's just an emotional tirade and I try and tend to manage to be calm and controlled about it. I just repeated back what we had agreed before hand and that it was me that was moving out and that "the money" isn't a major point - she's prattling on about the fuel bill and having to work all hours but that really isn't the point. Then we are off on she has no friends and she doesn't want this to happen.
I've tried asking what she thinks should happen or how does she want to fix it especially as she agreed with me that it wasn't repairable but I'm all ears and will listen to a reasoned proposal but it isn't reasoned. She "hasn't done anything for Christmas" yet I know she's ordered the food to arrive - I've seen the order. It's probably not helping me going off to this do tomorrow or even explaining that I've actually brought in sufficient money to pay for the fuel bill or anything because logic and reason and calmness are not working.
Saying you don't want something to happen doesn't make it so. It's just crazy as I'm sort of commited to leave, start a business and do loads of stuff because that is what we agreed and now she's exploding about me spending that money - when it is clear that if I don't go and actually earn a living then there's little I can actually do other than just take the money and not pay it back into the system.
I can only guess at the turmoil that's going on in her head - it must be awful but I have to balance this with that's what I've been living with for 10 or more years myself. I'm not expecting to stay or be "won back" because I know it will not work and in fact that the damage is done and whilst we may indeed be able to paper over the cracks that is what we've done for far too long. I don't want to head back in to the dark depths of my depressions again and I don't see anyway that it could be anything other than that. Why do people think you can get back together again when it's broken that bad? Had a couple of people giving me the can it be repaired talk and at the end of the day - no it can't well I cannot see it - it would have to be an immense effort on her part, would give me way too much "power" in the ensuing relationship and whilst I can imagine that would suit her I don't think it would suit me.
The one thing I want more than anything is to finally be at peace with myself, get rid of my demons and just spend the next 10 years making a living and then see where it goes from there. I still feel very sorry for Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about this. If I look at reconciliation then I know that I will probably regret that and it would be mean of me and wrong to let her hold out hope. Now she loves me, can't live without me, and so on. It's a shame that we are in a situation like we are now and after perhaps 15 years she finally plays that card long lost many years ago through circumstances that perhaps were beyond our control or I think things were bad and I deliberately found all those jobs where I worked away from home or spent long hours away. Who knows?
It was certainly very upsetting tonight for the second night to have this nonsense fired off at me from the doorway for she didn't seem to want to sit down and actually talk it through. I try to remain calm and impassive as it would not do for me to raise my voice or get aggressive over this - it won't help and I don't need to hurt her anymore than I already have. It's just there is no logic, it's denial and negotiating going on, disbelief, then realisation and anger all rolling into one. They are all defined and obvious stages to go through but I can't help but worry that unless I take a bit of control over the next few days, we aren't going to get this sorted out in time for Christmas.
I thought it was telling that she said that I was getting what I wanted out of this. I did explain that it wasn't what I wanted at all but that this is the way it ended up. I think that confused the issue. She doesn't get that there's if she wants something different - like a different outcome then there needs to be something to put on the table other than bemoaning the facts we went through and she agreed were at the heart of the problem and that she said she would be unable to change. There's the answer, clear to me but not to her.
Of course it is all one-sided here on the blog. It's my view of the world and I need to move on and be me, I can't live this half-life I've lived all these years this Oscar winning Actor role I've developed so that many people think we have a great relationship when in truth it was OK but not great.
Oh well - I've spouted on enough tonight about it, this blog is turning from Bladder Cancer to Marriage Bloody Guidance at the moment - sorry.
Talking of Bladder Cancer - I wonder if I hadn't of had Cancer whether I would have been here now - I don't think I would have been I was ready 7 or 8 years ago to go and was in a similar mini slump when I landed the best job I'd ever had only to have it robbed away from me 7 months later... I think I would have just left then if it wasn't for Cancer. Cancer did start this off though because sometimes you have to have things to live for, whether it's the kids, your family or yourself and I wanted to live for the kids and myself. That seems wrong but it probably is true and yet for some years I had in the back of my mind that I'd be better off dead than leave my family - terrible thoughts to have but back in the day I didn't like the idea of splitting up and in those days I made several attempts to get things back on track.
It was again telling that Mrs. F said she no longer had any friends and that all her friends were my friends. Well she let her friends go one by one and I never did with mine. But she can talk to my friends I'm sure many of them still think she is a friend but she seems to have conveniently forgotten all of that. She has other friends and I don't know why they aren't helping at the moment? They did at the start. I just can't get involved in this that's the trouble, much as I'd like to make it less painful for her - I just feel that I will have the opposite effect.
It could be a very interesting few weeks - she says she cannot cope and I've said I will step up to the plate as of Monday - I will indeed do that and next week I will take it on myself to sort the house out and get everything ready as I don't want it to be a melt down which it appears to be at the moment. She cannot see any way out of this and that IS a shame. I only see today, now and the future as the past isn't hurting me anymore. The pain I inflict on my wife hurts me, the way she talks to me recently is very painful bit it is her way of dealing with it. For me it will not last long and once I am away from here then we can start to heal and deal with things one bit at a time. For the moment everything is darkness, doom and gloom and no matter what I do to demonstrate that it isn't the less she listens and that's a problem. I can't reason with her and I can't demonstrate that financially she is relatively secure, some people have nothing. I've put so much into the coffers that there really isn't a problem she can live for 20 years on the capital excluding any income from that capital. She just isn't thinking straight and me showing her just throws up another objection.
So long winded I know but needed to kick this lot out of my head. I was so upset that she was talking so negatively again and just not listening or dealing with it. "It's not what I want" she repeats over and over. I don't say that back but in essence of course it isn't but she's done nothing in the past 15 years to prevent this train wreck. Even to the point of mentioning to me that we might split up on a number of occasions all this still came as a bolt out of the blue!
I am out for much of tomorrow - I hope she doesn't start on me when I get home as I will have had a few drinks and don't like to discuss stuff with booze in me - I won't be drunk but will have had a nice drink. It's all very very painful here at the moment. I hope that she doesn't decide to walk out because that will mess up everything I've been sorting out for the last 4 or 5 months when she originally was going to go and then wanted to stay. The whole business is currently looking at being moved out of here. It is OK if it stays here but I need to know sooner rather than later as it affects arrangements I've been putting in place and totally alters the way I need to tackle the business. Mind you those plans can be altered but I need to know.
I love the bit about "the money" when this actually costs a bucket load to change tack. Oh well it's only money and it will be what it will be. I really don't mind either way what the outcome is as long as it is sorted out fast as I'm in mid plan to be out of here (was meant to be out of here by now) and it materially affects lots of things, plans and people.
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