Defence Mechanisms and Coming to Terms with the Big C

I still firmly believe that once I had got over the first few months of disbelief, horror, terror, revulsion and upset that I went into a very interesting state. That included understanding all I could about my disease, its treatment, its various outcomes and my chances of getting out of it.

Frankly, my chances were pretty good once I had spent time understanding where it was all going and even if things had gotten worse, there was still a way forward that would have given me 5 or many more years.

The defense mechanism is to be brutally honest about what I had, tell anyone if they asked, tell people how I felt (even if I felt s**t) and to be confident, have a sense of humour about it and to approach it in that way. I've never looked at this seriously until now, afterwards as I have been taking it as it comes knowing I was on the roller coaster and that it would stop when it wanted to rather than when I wanted it to.

The end is in sight, the roller coaster is slowing down. Whether I am dizzy from the ride or from the expectation that it will soon be over I haven't thought yet but it just seems to me now, after having gone through most of the treatments and operations and tests that now I am slowly coming to terms with just how ill I was and just how much this has taken out of me. Clearly I am a lot better than I was a year ago and certainly 2 years ago. In fact I am probably healthier than I have been in 5 years in reality.

However, I look at myself now and I realise how much it has taken out of me these past few years. Putting up a fight and battling mentally and physically I think have really taken it out of me. As you can probably guess, the battle is constant, you don't get a weekend off and you keep your guard up and you work at many levels. Certainly one of the most peculiar things you have to do is to keep the spirits of your own family up and reassure friends and family that you are OK and that you are doing well and that you will improve and so on.

Once you get past all that life changes yet again and this weariness takes over. No doubt, it will pass, as all of these trials and tribulations have done these past few years. If anything, putting up a fight, putting up a defence mechanism are all parts of the beating of this disease. Coming to terms with it - well that is a different thing.

These days, you are more likely to survive Cancer. The advances are phenomenal and these are noticeable even in the past two years with bladder cancer and treatment regimes and also some of the cytology testing. It is becoming more like a serious disease that you can live with. Sure, it "ain't for sissies" thanks to an American cousin for that one :-) but it is treatable, you can continue to work (although I was lucky not to have to do too much travel etc). I actually think that had I been working full time, I may have been able to work my way through this a little better in a way as I would have had a different routine but - that wasn't my choice. I think what I am trying to get at is that is can be lived with these days and is just as treatable as some other serious diseases (heart attacks, liver or kidney problems etc).

So finally, coming to terms with the Big C. I haven't come to terms with it at all yet. It still hasn't really sunk in. Recent events tell me that I know I have had something seriously wrong with me and I know "what" it is. It just hasn't hit me in any strong way what that actually means or quite how I should react to it. I had all the emotional responses right at the beginning - I know that I am completely changed as a person now but the defence mechanism is still working and protecting me from the possibility that I may not have got the favourable diagnosis, operation results, effective treatment and recovery. Maybe because I did get everything favourable - I don't need to look at something that didn't or hasn't happened?