Goodbye 2023 Hello 2024

 Well, here we are again.  Seventeen years on and whilst the Cancer is gone and I'm looking back in vivid flashbacks at other stuff in my life, it's easy to see why New Year can be a line in the sand and you can move on from one thing to another.

Damn it though I feel sh1t at the moment.  A whole series of things playing around.  I find my car isn't compliant with some twisted megalomaniac of a mayor of London who has brought in an Ultra Low Emissions Zone right out to the borders of London.  It's £12.50 per day to go there and where I go, surrounded by fields and so on it's London!  REALLY!!! So after having spent a shed load on my car on its service including the new elastic band thingy that synchronized the engine components and stops them from exploding, I'm a bit stuck.  My car is an SUV, it is an all-wheel drive vehicle and if you drive around here, you'll soon find out you need the traction and the power.  Obviously, this bloke hasn't set foot outside his natural habitat of central London.

Then to top that I've got the entitled, narcissistic idiot who wants to charge me for all of his business problems that he's brought down on his head through sh1t planning and has no idea how to deal with real people or negotiate.  Every time we get near, he does something more ridiculous than the last time.

I've lost confidence in myself as a DIY handyman - I don't seem to be able to do anything right but maybe that's bad luck, I don't know, maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself.

I'm having flashbacks to certain periods in my life and incidents that arise in a random order sparked by things that I am encountering and that's bizarre as they are vivid daydreams.

Then there's this feeling inside that is melancholic and I feel nauseous with it.  I doubt myself and my mind to make rational decisions (although don't make irrational decisions).  It's this lack of confidence and not wanting to do anything that's so annoying.

I've got out a few times but that was a struggle and the weather has been awful so I've only been able to do a couple of jobs before getting soaked in the rain and wind that seem to have been around for months.

I'm hoping that I can push my way through all of this, I'm rereading my Eckart Tolle book, A New Earth, and hope that I can once again get rid of these inner demons that are caused solely by my inner pain body and ego.  Easy to say isn't it.  Last time, it was like a switch and everything was lifted.  Of course that then led me to leave my wife and set off on this journey.  

I should be enjoying my retirement and I should be doing a lot of things but my head isn't letting me do that at the moment.  I've given up Social Media, I don't watch the news and I watch very little TV as I am sure they aren't helping me.  I prefer to go sit those out if I am watching TV and pick up my reading or listen to music.

2024 is around the corner, the same challenges will be there, I just need to work out how I'm going to break this cycle of depression and anxiety.  I think the Black Dog needs to go away pretty soon and I need to work out how I'm going to break free of its claws.