You are no longer in their life and haven't been for years and there's no need to reunite or reconnect in some ways. It was a period of your life and theirs that you were present in, no matter how long for or indeed how deep the relationships were at the time, now it doesn't really matter. You are no longer part of their lives and they are no longer part of yours.
Longing for something different is perhaps a failed and false illusion. For over 35 or 50 years they just haven't been in your circle of friends, they didn't experience what you did and you didn't experience what they did. We were all too busy working our way through life's rich tapestry, grafting, working hard, getting into our own troubles and getting out of them and they weren't there and neither were you there in there lives.
It sounds blindingly obvious but the mind has a romantic view of the past and I tend to have a rose tinted view of those who I was close to. Of course, it is just that, an idealised vision of what was and I think what I'd have liked it to be and "if things were different" what sort of life I'd be living now. It's fantasy of course, destined only to happen in a parallel universe. Contacting after all this time has awakened feelings that I had at the time. I often feel that in these daydreams I have that the ladies in my life would finally look at me and see the way that I look at them and ask "How long have you loved me?" and I'd say with a slight tear in my eye, "All my life". And I have really but perhaps not in the way it might sound. There are a small number of women who have been special to me in all sorts of ways. Recently finding them again after so long presents me with the possibility that if things had been different what would life be like now?
It is a theoretical fantasy filled hypothetical conundrum for I wouldn't change my children or grandchildren for the world but... What might have happened? It goes nowhere of course, it's the mind playing tricks on me and it's taunting because in my own way I loved everyone of them, they were different to all the other interactions I had with other girls at the time, they were kind, knowing, gentle, patient and above all good friends, quite platonic friends when all said and done. We may have held hands, danced at a party, stolen the odd kiss but that was it mostly. I probably should have asked one of them out I suppose but I never did. I was horribly shy and not confident at all. Give it a few more years on and I got better once I had a proper relationship.
Yes, it is strange that I know how they are, have heard the fill in of the last 35 years and they have heard mine, similar tales and similar joys and woes and now, I'm not overly interested in getting back together again or pursuing it further and I don't thing they are either. A polite exchange of historical facts and we continue with our lives no matter what we meant to each other all those years ago.
The realisation that none of us are part of our current lives is mutual and you can't make a gap that far go away again I think? We are all so different now, shaped by our experiences and the roads travelled. Our paths appear parallel but in reality they couldn't be more different and yet the same.
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