I'm back in the past again with my head. This morning I was getting ready to go to a freind's funeral and checked the route and saw there was a lot of traffic and that there were delays of around 40 minutes it said. Instead of planning a different route I suddenly came over all shaking and was at my claustrophobia worst, worried about getting there on time, being stuck in traffic, not being able to park and so on and the death spiral started so that I was just a mess.
What on earth was all that about? I made my excuses and was going to go lie down in a darkened room for the rest of the day but my partner said that the best thing I could do would be to get out in the air, it's a lovely day and so I've spent hours in the garden sorting out her sunset bench and the fire-pit arrived a short while ago which sets it all off nicely.
Of course, I've damaged my hands a bit strimming the lawn, mowing it, raking and so on, laying paving slabs and jet washing the bench. It looks good and I feel that I have achieved something excepting my hands are in their arthritis gloves for a short while to help me recover them from all that lifting. I do feel better, she's right but I couldn't have felt any worse frankly.
I hate that this stress and anxiety is being caused by someone who doesn't deserve to live rent free in my head. The threat of something else happening to me, planned by him is not helping.
I have two meetings with friends on Friday and Saturday I hope that I am over this awful shaking and worry by then. My hands have been shaking now for a few weeks not uncontrollably but visibly noticeable.
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