Only a few times in my life have I been to such a very dark place. When I kind of knew I had Cancer and when I was diagnosed with it. When I told my Ex that it was all over.
Yesterday was as low as I think I have ever been. It was horrible as if the lights were going out in the room and I collapsed in on my mind for a short while. Perhaps an hour I was in very very dark territory. I'm not fully out of it but I came to a conclusion that this could not go on and so found and then read my well dog eared copy of Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' - there is a section about the Pain Body and I really needed to read that and just stop the slide into one of the worst depressions I can thin of.
Of course, nothing has happened, it's all in my head about what may or may not happen. I suppose worrying about what might happen is counter productive but the ego and the pain body are pretty evil things and your own head gangs up on yourself. It isn't logical and the INTJ kicks in and over analyses stuff that it doesn't need to. All the permutations all of it nags to be heard and analysed and what if scenarios built and taken down. I sometime hate my analytical brain and I need to just spend some time rebuilding - my confidence if gone, through the floor. I dread getting the next letter from this bloke and yet, what is he going to do? He's tried everything so far and I've not caved in but oh God, it's tiresome and I don't want or need it.
I'm seeing a very old and trusted friend this week and hopefully that might give me the reset I need. Doing this all on your own isn't great either and I still have very shaky hands and huge doubts about my abilities and experience tells me that I should just treat it as business (which of course it is).
Anyway, there we go. A day of Eckhart Tolle and similar will I hope settle me down again. At least I am not in the very dark place of yesterday.
No comments:
Post a Comment