Back To The Drawing Board - Kind Of

 I've gone back to my past today and produced a mind-map of those things that are bothering me.  I've taken out )or will do) some money from my pension and done a review of what I have to do up until December and what my financial situation is.

I can see all the problems I "think" I have laid out as headings and I now need to add to them with sub-topics and see if I can work out what to do about it all.  It makes sense to me this way as it's what I used to do and take my customers through when reviewing etc.

I am not sure if it will help or at least perhaps compartmentalize the problems I perceive I have.  To say things are getting to me is an understatement but, of course none of these have actually properly realised themselves as of yet and so it's like a risk management plan I suppose.

What is strange is the loss of interest in things.  TV and social media but also reading.  I used to be an avid reader but now not so much.  The loss of interest is a little disturbing but I have kept away from the TV for 18 months or more only watching a few favourites, University Challenge, Only Connect, Formula ! and BTTC racing, rugby and the odd programme of interest to me - Reacher, Clarkson's Farm and perhaps a few other that I have forgotten.  The other stuff and the "personalities" and "celebrities" things bore the life out of me - who are half of these people?

The loss of interest doesn't stop there either as I really have to make myself do things and I wonder if that's just this huge crashing down to earth that retirement delivers you when you aren't expecting it and hadn't planned for it (unlike me I know).

Here we are though.  Got to make the best of a bad job I suppose?  

Roller Coaster Doesn't Even Cover This

 It's still going on and actually a few episodes of Clarkson's Farm were enough to liven my mood and I wandered off to bed and had, for me, a good night's sleep.  I was all over the place yesterday and did some work in the garden mainly to cut off branches and hopefully halt the invasion of mice into our eaves space.  There weren't any this morning but a total of 4 in three days! 

I'm feeling anger and despair, sadness and other swings in mood as stuff creeps up on me.  I know roughly what these things are but I lack the plan to discuss these at the moment fearing that it will make things worse! If it were just me and it was in my sole control then it would be something I could sort out but it isn't and I can't!

For now, I am working on how I can best manage the situation but deep down I know what must be done and I am not brave enough to do it or confront (although too harsh a word) it outright.  I can fix it but maybe they don't want to.

Day By Day, Hour By Hour, Minute By Minute

 It's different.  The thoughts arrived in my head as I woke but I quickly was able to breath through them this time, other times, I am not so lucky and I let my Ego/Pain Body loose to upset me.  It is only me that's hurting me!

Yesterday's near meltdown may have been lack of sleep but it was the closest I've been to just lying in a ball and letting it all out and 30 minutes later, I was fine.

It is how it is at the moment. One minute I can be fine and the next, well... Diametrically different and I need to control it.  What I dislike is this voice in my head that nags about when I get older and how will it be?

This morning I woke and for that very short space of time, I was calm and then for only a very short time, the pain body wanted another day of building the dread and there's plenty going on in the world that you can feed on, especially here in the UK.  I guess by the end of this month we will find out as the Budget will be out and let's face it, it isn't looking good at the moment.

Oh well, I can't affect it so will have to wait and see.  Interesting and possibly hard times ahead as the socialists run out of other people's money.  The exodus of HNW people is a sign of the times.  Those of us who cannot just pack up and leave will be left to pick up the pieces.  Troubled times are almost inevitable and none of these muppets appears to know what to do about it and yet, the vast majority do know exactly what.  Blaming us and not tackling the root cause will be their undoing and yet people still sheep like want to vote for them?  I don't get it but then I've always been an outlier. 

It Didn't Get Much Better

 Got to bed early-ish and had a bit of a cuddle with OH when she says, "Can you hear that?" - yes I could, scratching from somewhere in the room.  So got the Red Torch and started to check around the room.  It was difficult to hear where it was coming from but I thought the Eaves space but couldn't see anything in there and the mouse traps hadn't set off and as the noise had stopped.  I settled back down to sleep but 10 minutes later there it was again and so downstairs I went, got my big white bright torch and checked again.  I then placed a series of mouse traps around the room and in the Eaves.

30 minutes later snap!!  Yep got it, a mouse.  There was another but it didn't take the bait and appears to have disappeared now but the traps are out, it's that time of year.  Now I know that you probably don't like traps but these humane traps are anything but and I've found dead mice in them and, of course, you are not allowed to displace animals etc.  The traps are probably the best as it's over and hopefully no distress.

So I cleared that up this morning but we must have lost 2 or 3 hours sleep.  Hopefully we can make up for that tonight unless some more come in which is always possible I suppose.  We tend to get a batch at a time. 

Unfortunately my mood just got worse overnight and I wasn't great this morning.  I've done some work this morning and feel a bit better but not any way am I out of the woods.  I need to face some truths and I'm not ready for that just yet.  

Mind you I cancelled my two dentists appointments this morning for this week as I just felt that I couldn't face them.  Unlike me but I thought I'd get claustrophobia.   

 

Good Grief - What A Bad Day

 Not a dark black day just a total despairing sick in my throat day - close to tears all day long and a feeling of utter helplessness.  I see all the reasons but they were there yesterday and the day before and I didn't have these thoughts.

I cannot fix what I want to fix and I am waiting for a delivery but that's not it either, the problem will be there tomorrow.  All my usual tactics are not operating either.  It really is just ridiculous.  I do not feel like doing anything but want to do something and when I start I dislike it and stop as it can wait and I lose the enthusiasm for it.

It is annoying but very upsetting as today I cannot see the way out of it.  I am going to try and work through it if I can.  It is very difficult today, one of the strangest days as it isn't black or desperate like earlier in the year.  

No doubt I need to sort things out here but it isn't going to be easy and I just need a strategy to deal with it.  What a yukky day.  I've asked the OH to bring in a  bag of sweets on her way home as that might give me a sugar hit and cheer me up.  I hope so, I need out of this mindset ASAP.  

The Slip Ups Along The Way

 Pointless. meaningless and whatever else my mind came up with this morning! I was delighted that I slept through until around 6 this morning but trying to get back to sleep was difficult.  The cause was things like my current claustrophobia which isn't rational I know.  It wasn't actually suffering it but imaging a situation where I might and how to get out of that particular imagined scenario.

Then other stuff came flying in and despite me knowing that there was no substance in them my mind took over and that was it.  OH got up and I decided to get up and come downstairs!  That's annoying as I managed to get back to sleep previously this week.

Whilst I am better than I was, these little relapses just cause more anxiety even though I know there is little substance about them,

Back to the drawing board as they say.

Why The Bloody Big Hole?

 Suddenly (well the last 6 months maybe) there's nothing to get up for, nothing in terms of purpose and an empty space in my body / head where it used to be full.  It is very strange and I am dealing with it in perhaps the totally wrong way I guess?

I don't want to do anything.  Does that make sense?  Nothing truly interests me anymore.  I don't like my "stuff" I don't feel up to reading.  I listen to music but sporadically not all the time like I used to.  Not much excites me either.  I do things to keep occupied, today I fixed the silicone sealant in the wet room and di a bit of maintenance on the sink whilst I was there.  Some mould treatment for an area I spotted will happen tomorrow or another day when the treatment arrives.

I really cannot be arsed to do things.  I promised myself I'd go for some walks and I've only partly done that.  I stopped drinking, I don't know, end of August I guess.  sticking to that.  Do I miss it?  Yes I do but I've lost at least an inch if not a lot more off my waist so why go back to it.  I looked when I went shopping and I just didn't fancy it and neither do I fancy a glass of wine yet I have bottles of the stuff here.

I don't see any "purpose" in life now as it (my working life that is) was how I defined myself I suppose.  The tasks that I could do overwhelm me at the moment yet I can do a little each day to chip away at them I suppose.  I'm happy just to give it all away if I'm honest.  In fact I have a few boxes going soon of stuff I no longer use or want.

I suppose I'll get through this but it needs some effort and enthusiasm which I just do not have right now.  

I do feel like there is a huge hole in my body, hollowed out mentally and physically.  

Better - Small Steps - Slow Improvements

 Things cannot get done in double fast time and I was able to sleep well again last night which is great.  I haven't had a beer for well over a month now and I've lost weight, not where I want to, but the belly is always the last to show it.  I need to lose a lot more but already my trousers and clothes are loose, my watch slides up and down my wrist and so on.

Did giving up drinking affect me?  Maybe, I am not sure, it's not as if I crave for a beer although I do miss the habit I have to say.  There was a certain enjoyment but you cannot regularly drink beer and not put on weight.  Liquid Bread they call it and it pretty much is that.

Sleeping through or just not needing to get up is good.  I get the urge to get up but switch back off so I am pleased with that I have to say.  Steady progress.....

When The Mundane Makes Headlines

 Mundane for you but quite good for me.  A full night's sleep for me.  The first time in ages I have had a full night's seep. up just once and straight back to sleep and disturbed at 6 but managed to continue through to the alarm.

Not interesting to you perhaps but this is good news.  I spent a lot of time last night going through some Eckhart Tolle videos and that helped me settle out some of the head anxiety problems I've been having these past 2 years for it is about that sort of time that all the nastiness on the company took off and additionally the ugly meeting last year.  

That's all gone now, the business was officially wound up a few days ago and so nothing exists anymore.  Great news.

Once you empty your mind and stop worrying about what might happen you can start to get through it - the main thing is still to identify the voice in your head and to deal with it.  More in that later. 

Highs And Lows, My Topsy Turvy Times

 I surely am having a topsy turvy sort of time at the moment as I go from being OK to being in the lowest of places.  I catch myself and work on bringing myself back to equilibrium but for how long?  Sometimes days, sometimes hours and occasionally just a few moment.

It isn't easy at the moment as I never know which "ME" is going to turn up given any particular situation.  Currently I have a small project I am working on and whilst I am doing that I am OK.  When I come away from that I am find that I am straying back into the catastrophe that is my mind as it whirls about and tries to make sense of it all.  It is reminiscent of my past experiences and where that led.  I know this feeling and when I get it things change.  I am resisting that but perhaps need to accept that this is just my intuition telling me to tackle a build up of things.

Trying to steer clear of social media as best I can albeit with varying levels of success. 

The Teeter - On The Edge

 I had a good day yesterday and my Mattock had arrived and a new manhole cover and so I was able to change that cover and then tackle some of the lumps in our garden.

The Mattock is a 5 lb one and you quickly notice how heavy it is but it does make reasonably light work of the lumps and bumps in "the lawn" let's call it for now.  It may well return to being a lawn when I've finished. 

I probably did around 45 minutes work and called it a day as I could feel that I'd stared to get an ache.  Always listen to your body and finally I did just that this time.  Often I do too much and regret it.

Why on the edge?  Well it is strange, I am getting better sleep and my 1.5 Tog duvet has arrived which is just warm enough at this time of year for me.  I have a winter duvet but I am beginning to overheat and find myself getting very hot so this will be a good interim solution. I woke even with this a little warm and suddenly my mind filled up with hundreds of "things to do" it's overwhelming and of course not everything can be done at once or needs to.  Just my mind and it's annoying that it does this to me.

Overnight there was a lot of noise in the garden - it sounded very loud and was either Badgers, Foxes or perhaps Hedgehogs.  Screeching, snuffling and sort of barking, probably investigating the newly turned over earth?  

I've brought myself back under some semblance of control but it is a little fight between overload or just live as it is each day.  The claustrophobia comes and goes as does the overwhelming weight of all the things my mind thinks I have to do!   

Hopefully a little longer in the garden and I can feel a little better again?  In general, I am getting better but more work is needed for sure.

Apparently - I Am A Lot Better

 Other Half said so yesterday- I was a bit more like my old self and I have to say I'm slowly getting there I suppose.  I do need to keep working at it but I am sleeping a bit better and only slipping into overthinking every now and then.  I bring myself up short with that and can mainly (although not entirely) manage that now. 

It was an interesting day yesterday OH went to London and I sort of pottered around sorting things out waiting for two deliveries that didn't turn up, Again.  Evri and Hermes.  I wonder why people use them.  I have a series of emails from them all around the same time of day which suggest they ran into trouble delivering to me whereas Amazon, DPD etc have very rarely had such issues.  So it sort of slowed me down doing what I wanted to do but I was able to do some research and get other bits achieved.

Anyway a little more continued improvement is required and picking up any of these thought streams that lead to anxiety and send me off.  

A Constructive Day Left Me Feeling A Bit Better

 I spent a long day in the garden and in the adjacent plot of land that holds the Septic Tank.  I finally closed off the air brick areas of the house using rodent mesh after removing the "nest" that was in one.  I managed to get stung by some Nettles right at the end even after wearing gauntlet gloves - a part of a leaf somehow managed to get me!  

Apart from that it was a glorious Autumn day and very warm.  It took my mind off of the worries I have and so a good night's sleep albeit up around an hour earlier than normal.

The delivery company managed, yet again to say they were delivering but at 17:10 as they do every time, were "unable to make the delivery" - this particular company has done this on every occasion they have been used, the same message at the same time.  Hopefully they will deliver today.

Something more mundane is I need to replace the manhole cover on the Septic Tank which is rusting away on the edge.  Not too difficult I'd say and not too expensive.

In terms of head problems I'd say I am down at around 25% of the worst type and my mind still attempts to round on me and beat its own self up.  Quite why it is so destructive I have no idea.  There you go though and I need to "snap out of this" as soon as I can.  I cannot go on like this and it makes no sense. 

Where Did Uplifting, Fun, Enjoyment Go?

 In this country, a nation lost their sh1t in around 2016 I'd suggest.  Brexit.  You'd have thought that a majority vote would have settled it and actually it divided a nation.  People you thought you knew turned into ugly nightmarish, yelling, abusive and illogical.  Apparently if you voted for it you were a bigot, ill informed, stupid yada yada yada.

I worked in Europe and stayed at the MEP and NATO Hotels and can give you some details about where your money went and so on  That isn't the only example.  However, I'm wrong no matter what I say because, you know, I'm a racist or something!

Since then people have been ugly and intolerant and I lost a number of acquaintances or rather chose not to continue knowing them.  The whole country runs along who yells loudest and the good old discussion no longer happens.  The TV debates are rigged and favour a specific opinion type.  The standard answer to a difficult question is either one of these yelled or spat out:

1. Bigot!
2. Racist
3. Some sort of bile filled abuse
4. I'm telling my mummy about you!

You probably get the picture.

I currently need uplifting as I dip in and out of being either depressed or coping with depression.  I used to enjoy Facebook, it used to be fun and silly and you could catch up with your friends and what they were up to but today I went onto it and it was to say the least mildly depressing.  People's opinions about the state of the UK/USA/World and so on.  Stories as we gaze on watching the UK spiral down into the toilet and so on.

So I am breaking the habit on that and I think I should on TV (albeit I hardly watch it - Monday being an exception when I watch two programmes 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge') and then there is YouTube and that can be a bit too much given that I follow some channels, they too are now all doom and gloom so I should also carefully monitor that too.

I need a plan to get out of my current situation too and moving my attention to sources of doom, gloom and so on, really shouldn't be on that set of actions! 

Surprising How Much Attention You Give Your Devices

 Saturday night was pretty horrific for me trying to get to sleep and my head just filled up with things to be done, regrets things were not done and anger and resentment, confusion and a complete melt down.  Apart from that everything was fine LOL.

I had what can mildly be called a panic/anxiety attack I guess.  I got dressed and went down stairs and paced about a bit, tried to sit down and after a period of maybe fifteen minutes felt well enough to go back to bed where I managed to sleep through.  Sleep was fitful on Sunday but I was a lot better, my well leafed, dog eared "A New World" by Eckart Tolle saw to that and I read it for around 30 minutes before going to bed and was able to drop off and woke twice and got up 15 minutes before the alarm and so I am pleased about that.

I'm not pleased that I need to repair something but, once again, I'm told not to do it now, to do it later.  Part of the reason I am getting stressed is that nothing gets done, jobs get stopped part way through and so on.

I have tried to keep away from social media and glancing at my phone every couple of minutes. It is quite difficult not to do something as habit forming as checking it and you'd be surprised.  Try and work out how many times you do it.  I've cut back and I am trying to only do a few periods during the day.  I think it may be helping albeit Saturday's melt down was caused by other problems other than Social Media!

I kept away from this blog for 3 days.  That too is a conscious effort to disconnect from it for a while.

Give It A Rest

I think that is the best thing for now.  I can only imagine it is getting boring for you and things are moving in the right direction:

• Stopped drinking (I nearly wrote stopped smoking but that was 21+ years ago)
• Sleeping better
• Slowly day-by-day approach
• Returned to proper eating and little or no cheating - lost a stone in the last three weeks I'd say
• Pulling Away from too much screen time on the PC and Phone / Tablet

I am not my good old cheery self but these incremental small steps are helping.

Writing about small increments is sort of OK but for now, I think I should only report on exceptions rather than this low noise low interest stuff.  

See you when I'm older!