Don't Let The Buggers Wear You Down

I won't but it is getting hard work at the moment as the atmosphere is oppressive and it's hard to get a word out of people sometimes.  It's like being sent to Coventry but I'm not absolutely certain it is meant the way I take it.

I'm going to really get cracking for the next 4 days and see how far I can get with all this "stuff" i still have remaining - I'd like to shift it all as soon as possible and then forget it as there are other things I need to sort out.  I think I've sorted out the IT requirements of the household now which is good and I can now take all of the equipment I already have with me - it will looks like an small office set up which is great - exactly what I need and it means I may get away without having to buy a new PC just some RAM memory to get me going although I doubt it will last for long it will do to start with.  I'll also have my existing scanner and laser printers to come along too and so that's great as it saves a bit of cash and also means that I can at least have something useful to get cracking with.

I need to sort out my Christmas pretty swiftish - I haven't done anything yet and need to get cards, Newsletters and things sorted out.  I need to work out how to tell people what is going on in the wider family.  We will just have to take the Christmas Cards and who they are addressed to on the chin for this year.  I'm sure it will be difficult as to who things are addressed to and who buys what etc.

Both Mrs. F. and I have said we don't want anything this Christmas - I'm not in the mood for presents but I guess I ought to make some sort of compromise here - I don't want to - although I already have in some ways - screwed up Christmas for most people.  There you go though.  

Anyway - need to get my arse in gear tomorrow and get a spurt on to cover all the things that could be going on in the next 4 or 5 weeks!  Eeeeeeekkkkk :-)

Feeling Sick - In The Pit

It has been a funny old day today.  I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach because it's just having to deal with mixed emotions.  Flocky came up with some good questions this morning - testers to see if it's really what I want - to separate from Mrs. F.  The thing is that actually, it is and the questions helped and I reckon that the weekend wasn't great for a number of things - it was destabilising and of course it is bound to be.  It's getting near Christmas and I'm the bogey man screwing it up this year for everyone.  Mrs. F. looks sadder and more upset than I've seen her for a while and there's an air of depression hanging over the place.  It's a shame but there you go that's just the way it is.

I'm in two minds what to do about things and I'm thinking now that I need to do a burst of work to get the eBay thing as finished as I can and then call it a day - I really need to get on with arranging Christmas and lord alone knows what else.  I have to Sort out the business too now I've chosen the logo (or almost chosen it).

Sometime I have to laugh at the predicament I am in.  I suppose I've accepted that it's going to happen and I'm trying like mad to be "the good guy" and to make it hurt as little as possible and yet I'm probably making things worse by being the good caring guys.  I suppose if I was an nasty piece of work or was aggressive or something it might be easier?  Mind you I can't be like that - it isn't in my nature.

There are so many hard decisions to make and take, so much that I take for granted and so many things that need to be sorted out but I can't do them yet until I know what is going to happen - I don't even know if I am going to be in this house come Christmas - such is the uncertainty at the moment :-) it makes it difficult planning anything.  I'm sure that this knot in my stomach is a little of everything.  It's the loss of one way of life and the certain realisation that things are going to change forever and it also seems to me to be a burning of bridges as well in that there will be some people I just wont see again (or not much) after I've moved.  That's a little sad I guess but there was always going  to be collateral damage done.

I'm again desperately worried that people tomorrow (for I am out at a big gig) may mention what is happening to my father-in-law who is due to be there.  He still hasn't been told what is going on.  It's a real muddle and not of my making.  Again - it's a cause for concern and one that I need to make sure those around me don't say anything about.

No doubt things will feel better in the morning but for now I'll just have to run with this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.  

That's Better

Clear head this morning, a few meditation exercises and get back to the truth of the matter and my head is in a far better place today.  I imagine that there will be more days like Saturday and Sunday but not too many I hope.  

I also did some serious soul searching and just reminded myself why I'm leaving despite the twangs of guilt I'm bound to feel and no one likes to see someone they've known all of their lives miserable and suffering like Mrs. F. is at the moment it isn't a foregone conclusion that if I try and help her out it is going to do either of us any good.  Yes - it is a miserable time but it will get better and much as I'd like to help Mrs. F. get over this I imagine that I'm not actually the right person deeply moved though I am to want to help - I can't and I shouldn't even try.

It feels spiteful and against all my instincts but in some ways this has been brought on herself and whilst I AM going to take half the blame the other half isn't mine - it isn't all my fault and I don't need to be beating myself up about it the way I do every now.  It's the right decision.

I am back on an even keel this morning than goodness :-) 

Cleared Most Of It Now

I have to keep working hard at keeping in the now and not reverting back to the past and all the things I can (and do) so easily beat myself up about. I also have to stop the worries about the future.  It's been a real struggle today to do that a real struggle.  

I've managed it but it's almost 12:30 in the morning now and it's taken most of the day.  I am glad that I avoided the opened bottle of wine in the Kitchen or reaching for anything else for that matter.  Rarely have I found the answer at the bottom of a glass just more questions and more sorrow.  

I really did have to put in an effort to get myself back to an even keel - a bit of music and some petrolhead Formula One seemed to help along the way.  I think today was just one of those days.  It is difficult with Mrs. F. moping around the house and getting "the quiet treatment".  I don't know if it is designed like that but to me it sometimes appears like that.  I will be glad to be out of here so I no longer get that.  If the niceties can't be observed then I really do find that difficult to deal with - that's another trait/fault with INTJs and their particular interest in personal space and courtesies.  

Mind you I'm pretty much used to that sort of silent treatment and off-handedness anyway as that is one of the problems I've had for many years.  If you choose to ignore me or slap down any ideas or opinions I have then sooner or later I'm going to get a little ticked off about it.  I suppose it may have seemed unfair that I pointed out that this sort of behaviour was part of the reason we were in this predicament anyway.  The Irony was possibly lost in the total lack of response :-)

Oh well - I have a lot to keep me occupied in the next few days and I shall just get tucked into that.  I am not thinking about moving or anything until it comes to it - it will be what it will be.  I can see that it will be quite traumatic for Mrs. F. though and at the moment we exist in a state of orbiting around each other even more so than we used to and we are rarely in the same room together.  I can see that - I don't like it - I hope that it will get more civilised and who knows, in time I might actually have a nice friendly relationship when it all settles down.  I'd like to think that she would be my best friend but time will tell on that I guess.  I suppose that it may be difficult to do that given the way she feels at the moment.  

What a Horrible Dreadful Day

I knew there would be days like this.  Poor Mrs. F. can only talk to me for a few minutes at a time before getting all choked up and me with my stupid thoughts was also very upset.  I hate seeing her so desperately upset but today we talked about me moving out, selling the house, stuff I can take with me and Christmas and then there were all these stupid commercials on TV with their happy bloody families all smiling and I just felt worse and worse.

To say it's been a bit of a tearful day is an understatement I really haven't felt this upset for a long time.  It's a mixed emotions time for me as suddenly there were regrets for things not done in the past and things I'd done wrong, opportunities not taken a love unfulfilled and many other things all bashing around in my head.  I was able to stop them but back they came one after the other and I wasn't truly able to empty my mind of them even though I know these things to be in the past and unalterable. 

I can't help thinking about how upset Mrs. F. is - she just sounds so helpless and lost and I feel so bad about that - it's silly really.  She still cannot bring herself to the realisation and I understand that.  I understand it very well indeed and I recollect myself how awful it felt when I realised the awful truth and how depressed it made me and how I still get that now myself.  

To expect to be able to shut out the past or indeed not to speculate about the future is difficult indeed.  Yet that's what I've got to do now because I don't want too many more days like today.  It really isn't nice.  It was necessary to have the discussions and the trouble was - when discussing Christmas Presents and arrangements and the future I was trying to explain that it was going to be particularly tough this year.  I don't know if my mum will buy Mrs. F. a present and all that sort of stuff.  I'd almost rather forget the whole thing anyway but it is going to be bloody difficult especially as Mrs. F. and most of her family don't know - it's a crazy situation made difficult because it isn't out in the open properly.  It means I have to be careful what I say and to whom I say it.  

I kind of hope that I have news this week about finding a place to go as I really could do with being out of here and then able to get myself straight.  It's a sort of strange place I inhabit at the moment a sort of no-man's land and of course Mrs. F. has the same too.   I want her to have some time to settle into being separated and so that we both get used to it and also so that she doesn't make any rash decisions.  It's pretty important that we think through stuff like the house and pensions and the girls and so on so that we don't do anything rash or ill advised. 

From my point of view I just need to be out of here and go set up and run the business and get on with my life.   I don't need the "atmosphere" there is here now, it's even worse than I imagined it would be - it's oppressive and caustic and we just have a struggle talking to each other without getting upset.  I suppose it wont last for ever.  

Anyway, I knew there would be days like this and I  hadn't realised how much it would haul me back to love's lost and that's the thing that hurts like hell.  There's that nagging fear that you will never find it again - love, companionship and all that.  It sounds silly but I need repair time and to take it easy and not to worry about it.  I find the whole thing exciting in the main but on a dreary grey miserable misty day like today it just felt awful.

At least there's some heavy rock music followed by the USA Grand Prix coming up so that will keep me happy for this evening.  Tomorrow I can return to my eBaying which appears to have gone quite well so far today - enough to pay for a few beers at least :-)  I think I will do a bit of a final push on it this week and then just get rid of the rest of it to the Charity Shop.

What Goes On In Your Head

I sometimes dislike my brain a lot.  A case in point being last night after I'd had a few drinks and a few too many if the truth be told I went online - despite a big not on my computer telling me to go to bed and sent a few messages.  They were pathetic and stupid and I had to apologise this morning for sending them.  They weren't abusive or anything like that at all.  They were heartfelt and I've often written stuff in this blog that are an outpouring.  The voice that rarely gets heard, the inner thoughts the real inner workings of my mind.

I know better than this - I know that these thoughts aren't there to help me at all they are little destructive forces and in this case it looked innocent and stupid but it was actually a subtle way of hurting the other party.  It doesn't read like that at all but it was me imposing my thoughts on someone else and they didn't need to know this and it put them in a situation where they thought they had injured me although I didn't say they had.  Anyway - it is cleared up but how these little demons exist and how destructive they are.  It's so annoying - I think in future I will trun the computer off entirely and just leave a note on it saying turned off for a reason :-)

So I had a very very slow day today - the Sake that Flocky and I had sure laid me out and I got up but decided to go back to bed and lay down for a good few hours :-)  I don't think I can handle the booze these days like I used to.  I even thought that I might start to change my drinking habits in the future if I do stupid things like I did last night.

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts so the saying goes and I think that is pretty much true.  What I said was a bit of a plea from the heart about how I wanted things to turn out and how they didn't and in fact they cannot be anything other than the way they are.  I knew that, I know the score, I know it cannot be and whilst that's sad and upsetting it's the way it is and the way it has been for ages and ages.  You cannot change the way things are it's part of the problem  I've always had with my head and it doesn't work things out properly it imagines that things can be different when they clearly cannot be.  

I am working on stopping all of this nonsense and in many ways I do manage to do that these days as I can identify these thoughts and stop them in their tracks.  I'm about to build a new life and yet these doubts assail me, these past experiences which I wished had turned out better haunt me and I do get rid of them - I can remove these - like I will after I've written this post - it will take me just moments to clear my mind of them and they won't come back for a while.  When they do I will kill them off again as they have no useful part to play in my day to day life.  They are part of the "painbody" part of the Ego and they aren't real thoughts at all.  They dig up the past and they produce an illusion of the future which I know can never be.  

The complexities of what is going on and why it is going on are I think pretty much boiled down in the realisation of what is about to happen in my life.  The change away from living here and the change to my lifestyle and to my personal life and this "living alone" thing is or may be playing on my mind.  I've not even moved out yet and there's the little voice about meeting someone else and all that old guff - it's not relevant it's a fear that should not be there.  That's the problem I find - none of these things should be troubling me.  

This all sounds bad but it is under control because I just dismiss these thoughts. OK I didn't manage to suppress one of them and so wrote a load of old rubbish to a very dear friend and they did, like all good friends do, smile and know that I'm not really like that, that it was the beer/Sake talking and that was that, I'm forgiven but I do feel a stupid old fool about it :-)  I shall just have to control my head a lot more and also not drink Sake in large quantities.  

Lovely Day - Sun Shining - Quiet Coffee - All's Good With The World Today

Yep - all is good today.  The sun is shining and whilst it isn't warm it was nice enough to sit outside the cafe and have a nice cup of coffee whilst looking at my logo choices in the sunlight and getting a good feel for them outside of the office environment.

Later on I'm meeting Flocky, my old business partner and another old friend we are going for a few beers and a Chinese meal - it is a nice restaurant frequented by Gary Rhodes so that says something.  Looking forward to that and to have a cathartic chat  with my friends.  

Communication here is difficult to say the least.  We do talk just in short sentences.  Poor Mrs. F. still looks absolutely distraught and is so upset that sometimes she just can only say a few words and has to go out.  Oh dear, how sorry I feel for her.  She's still my best friend just that the  glue no longer works and for some time we will just have to live like this until she gets over it.  At the moment me being in the house cannot be a great thing for her at all.  

So far as I can see it no one is taking sides or anything like that - it's not that sort of break up but I can see that it is difficult for Carole's friends to be anything other than supportive and so I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and hope that they will be alright about it when I next see them which won't be until Christmas Eve.  In fact I've just wrapped the Secret Santa present for one of them - we each have to buy for one person based on a sort of raffle.  At least that is better than in past years when it was beginning to get totally out of hand.  

My mind strayed again last night as you may have seen in my previous posts.  I was off and away reflecting on the past but after I wrote that I was thinking about the future and of course, I just had to rein myself back from that because I don't want to paint a picture for myself that's impossible to attain.  It is difficult not to look forward to what I perceive to be happier times coming down the track and yet you know, I'm happy right now.  In fact I'm probably happier than I've been for years and years.  I'm fitter, healthier and my mind is in a great place despite what has happened.

A lot of people think I should be in a bad way, stressed out or upset but it takes them aback when they see I'm quite OK about this.  They don't "get it" - it's like being released from prison or being given a second chance.  Suddenly all the pressure goes off you just like a huge (and I mean huge) weight is lifted off your body and it's like having a clean bit of paper or the slate wiped clean.  You can see that you can now go and do what you want, when you want, how you want and so on.  In many ways this is a great opportunity to put into practice all you've learnt in your previous 56 years I tell myself.  I've hopefully got another 20 to 25 years in me and I've already had two of those sorts of periods so lets see what I can make of the next third of my life.  Whatever lies ahead it was better than the life I was leading up until about June this year.

I can understand fully why people would fall apart when leaving their husband or wife but when I listed out why (I didn't really want to tell Mrs. F.) she agreed with it all and knew what I was talking about and that's the problem for her - she can't change - I did all the changing until I was unable to do anymore without injury to my mind and my body.  You can't exist in a 'loveless' marriage - I think I'd call it that now.  You only need to see what it is like for someone to care a little about you and suddenly you wonder "what on earth has gone on here?" If you read this blog a lot you'll recollect that I spoke often about collateral damage and "the rut you are in" that being the most difficult rut to get out of.  Well I'm almost out of that rut and away in the distance there is just open countryside and no ruts and no rails, no roads, no signposts just a rising sun, a blue sky with a few fluffy clouds and a bright future.  

That's Alarming

One of my daughter's friends gone into Hospital tonight with Testicular Cancer - he is 23 years old!  Twenty Three for goodness sake.  At least he has been whipped straight in and they can sort it out for him immediately.  

I remember at her age coming to terms with my friend's death - he just dropped dead whilst playing Squash.  He had a congenital heart defect and that was that.  His wife and two children were left in a mess as he didn't have a Will and so on.  The two girls, now long grown up look just like him and things worked out fine for her too, I still see them all occasionally.  It's a tough one coming to terms with your mortality at such a young age.  Not that he is going to die just that it comes as a shock and this ought to be a big wake up call to them I suppose.

I can't believe the amount of cr@p on TV these days.  I watched a tiny bit of the news and the BBC drives me to distraction with their efforts to, what does Flocky call it? Catastrophizing.  It is just bonkers everything has to be the 'something of the century' 'something gate' and as we are 13 years into it (or 12 if you like) it is shoddy reporting and left wing nonsense.  So I grab the headlines and try and hit the weather forecast and then I trawled through the 100 or so channels and it was full of squawking people talking about something or other and crazy shows about guns, police chases, reality shows and just utter bollocks (sorry but that's what it is).

So the TV went off after 20 minutes and I came back up to my office and got into the zone on the business and I'm cracking on with the logo and also the service offerings which I am quite happy about now.  A few more tweaks and I can then go and write the "copy" for the web site and the catalogue.  

I drifted back into remembering the lovely summer we had as it absolutely freezing here tonight and bitter weather is on the way.  Recalling the warmth, the smells and sounds of the countryside and the peace I was in (and the turmoil at some times).  During all that embargoed time I was struggling to keep it all under my hat and there was more than I dare put into print going on too.  Such was the summer I had but it was just so nice to recollect that warm and peaceful time.  Then there was the turmoil of leading up to wanting the separation, that was just awful and so upsetting for both of us.  Yuk.  

Those warm summer days were marvellous and my whole life was changing it was as if I had gone into a chrysalis state and then burst out of that.  I had been working on it for ages and the it all fell into place and it all made (some kind of) sense.  I can't even begin to tell you what a huge relief it was to get out of my old life.  What it is though isn't one thing it is a series of things that made the difference.  There's my Spiritual Guide who appeared and left, there's the realisation that no matter what I was doing I needed to completely change.  There was the need to stop being me (the planner and schemer) and stop analysing and overanalysing everything.  There was the need to get rid of the past and to stop dreaming about an unachievable future and if all that wasn't enough there was the need to finally tackle the problems in my marriage which had just built up and up over the years and I hadn't tackled them.  These "problems" just built a weight on my body that you can hardly imagine - once I tackled them and to this day I feel light and the burden has gone almost entirely.  

The wreckage is also mostly behind me too.  The "damage" is done if that's the right way to look at this?  I don't see it that way I see it as a re-birth, a new clean piece of paper, a chance to live the last 3rd of my life according to my rules and to enjoy the life that waits in store for me no matter how long that may be.  It is exciting and challenging and is unplanned and unmapped so far.  It may appear selfish to chuck in a marriage of 32 years and go and do what I want to do.  I suppose it could be looked at that way?  I tend to think that 25 years was just about enough and I should have gone then.  So far, no one I've spoken to is the least bit surprised and some wondered why it took this long!  My mother was pretty much open about it and didn't think there was much left and had known it for years.  My friends last night was also a similar story.  They know me - they probably got the message one way or the other through my body language I guess.

Anyhow - time for bed - got a nice day coming up tomorrow - some beers followed by a Chinese meal.  Will be in good company with Flocky Bicep and a couple of others.  Looking forward to getting out and about.  The atmosphere in the house is one of quiet tension.  I still feel sorry for Mrs. F. but she has levelled off in a permanent black gloom - it will be nice to move out and not to have that problem as a constant.  I try my best but of course I'm the happy one.  

Yes Indeed

This was on Facebook today and I thought - yes - exactly that's it, that describes how I feel about things at the moment.  It matters not that the opened door also got closed because there is another one somewhere and I just haven't identified it yet :-)

The turnabout in my life has been pretty major in the past 4 or 5 months and this is just one of those changes in thought process that I think is part of it.  For me, I have the time - or will have soon - where I can take stock, build my new business and just get things moving again.  It's like getting your life back again and I'm a pretty lucky guy in that I already got it back once when I survived cancer.  So now I've got the opportunity of doing something with my life and I don't think it needs to be earth shattering stuff nor does it need to be anything like making a huge impact in the world.  I reckon if I continue to be the much nicer guy I am now and living my life the way I want to then perhaps that will be enough for me.

I'm pretty contented with my lot these days.  I'd liked to have my life go in a slightly different direction without doubt there was a direction that would have been just wonderful but it didn't happen and whilst it took me a long while to understand what was going on, I couldn't change what that was or how it turned out as it wasn't in my power, influence or any other control - it was just the way it was going to be.  But even so, I'm happy and whilst you can look back and say "what if" that isn't actually going to get you anywhere.  I prefer to look back and break into a big smile say "what a ride!".  Hunter S Thompson wasn't it? Said "Buy the ticket, take the ride!"  Too bloody right Hunter - spot on.  

Sometimes you don't realise that you come out a better person from some of these experiences.  It's all Karma I suppose and you steer a course through life and things happen to you seemingly randomly I always thought and yet things have happened to me this year that almost can't be explained any other way.  I look back on these past 5 months and marvel at the whole transformation of the wreck that I was to who I am now.  

My whole outlook these days is one of quiet optimism.  I know there are going to be some challenges ahead but that's OK.  I have an easy life here even now and that will change a bit but nothing is insurmountable, nothing is impossible (apart from unsubscribing from Readers Digest of course!).  Whilst I have some trepidation about just keeping up with the chores of the house I know that I can do it but I just need to work it out, that's all. 

I remember thinking to myself earlier about the differences between me this time last year and me now.  It's totally the opposite - diametrically different and it shows - or it does to me.  I'm not sure if it is that visible on the outside - I think I always was a bit crazy on the outside.  People who don't know me think that I am quiet and introverted and my friends wish I was.  Actually I am an introvert but these days I actually think that I may be getting over that because I've nothing to fear from talking to people and interacting with them.  I have nothing to "worry" about anymore.  All the stuff I piled onto myself a year ago isn't there.  None of the health freakiness.  I'm 3 and 1/2 stone lighter, I breathe without labouring (stress) I don't have the worry, the panic attacks, the same level of claustrophobia I used to have.  I feel good about myself, I am free of all the self doubts and hang ups I had and I no longer have the fears of the past and the future to worry me either.

It was one hell of a ride though to get here.  Things just need to keep moving in the same direction and this bursting out of the grey place I was in is great.   I often now just get pleasure from walking to the shops and back.  How great is that?  Simple things can be very pleasurable.  Mundane tasks done well can have a level of accomplishment in them.   A few coffees and a chat are moments to enjoy and treasure.  It's just an attitude thing and there's no need to get upset or bothered.  I notice in the Post Office for example queuing up isn't annoying like it used to be.  Things will get done they will take the pace that they take, it isn't any use wishing that the person in front was a little faster or could find their card quickly - it doesn't matter.  It shouldn't get you upset - who gets annoyed them or you?  Who is doing the annoying?  You are - to yourself.  How crazy is that?  I look at most things like that now - it isn't any use getting all het up and annoying yourself as most of this stuff is out of your control anyway. :-) 

Even Better Result Than The Previous Post

One record made as much money (plus some) than the dealer wanted to pay for the lot this one took the record ('scuse the pun) at £255 for just the one - the dealer offered me £220 for the lot (over 1000).  Well that was a nice surprise and I got close to £30 for a single too.

I've just found another few stuck in a box I hadn't looked at for a while.

I'm in a great mood as this just vindicates what I thought and it just goes to show what you can do.

It is hard work though doing this almost full time.  I am going to have some fun getting the rest of this lot sorted, catalogued and sold.  I feel a purge coming on tomorrow morning when I can get a good run at them all.  I have a few hundred singles to sell yet plus about the same in CDs but almost got to the end of my LPs.  I will have a review and see if any go that I have if not - they can go to the charity shop and hopefully they can make some dosh out of them.

Well 5 times more and counting

I had some good results with the vinyl records and have now almost reached £1000 in sales in records alone.  That's 5 times more than this chap offered me and if only he'd looked a little harder or had listened to me when I said I thought I had some good records in there.

It's not been easy work getting rid of them but it seems to be going well enough and I have just found another 10 or more that should get the punters excited and I have one finishing tomorrow which is about as rare as Hen's teeth.  All in all - I'm bringing in some money to the household and decluttering big time :-)  I still though have to go through and so a final reconciliation and decide what can go to the Charity Shop(s) as some of these records just won't sell no matter what I do as there were so many millions of the things made.  It's the old obscure and specialist stuff that sells.

I'm banging out 14 hour days doing this which is all well and good but I really ought to get some R&R soon.  I'm out on Friday which will be great.  I was out last night too which I enjoyed.  

L went back to Uni earlier on this evening and A is getting ready for her first Driving Instructor examination which is on Friday.  Fingers crossed she does well in that.  A friend is an Instructor and he tells me the test is pretty rigorous - he also said there was a high failure rate, let's hope he is wrong on that for A's sake :-)

I feel that things are reaching an acceptable and bearable point at the moment here and I found myself feeling sad that I'd be moving away from the Village here - I've lived here (twice) and since 1988 the second time and it's a lovely place.  I'll miss the walks and the people - maybe I need to work out ways to get back here often!  I think the move out will hold a number of challenges - it will be excitement and regret all rolled into one.  I was looking at some of the stuff I may or may not take - it's difficult to talk to Mrs. F. at the moment because when I talk about moving out it's like picking the scab and making it bleed again.  She is looking out for moving boxes for me and Flocky so that's good!  I'm not certain what will suit but there is talk of her not having the big computer which would certainly do me nicely (apart from the monitor from hell - a 19" flat screen CRT that has done great work for many years!). I suppose I could get Mrs. F. a nice tablet type computer and then set up a printer for everyone here.  It looks as if I will also have the laser printer so that's a bonus I guess.  I hope there's enough room to set up what will virtually be a  small office?  

It is funny how that is really exciting and yet the sadness of not being 'local' is interesting but then again, there's nothing to stop me moving back here when things get settled out.  I saw a few places up for sale recently that would be affordable.  I keep also having to remind myself that it will be what it will be and that's it.  I can imagine it being quite strange to find no Mrs. F. around but then again I'm quite used to that really.  

I think I should pack it in for tonight, I've been at this since around 8 this morning and it is almost midnight!!! 

It Feels Different This Morning

It does feel very different to me this morning - it is real today.  Not that it wasn't yesterday but now that more of my friends know it sort of makes it feel a lot sadder today.  These are friends we've known since school days and it was of course a lot of my friends so that was OK - I guess we all "take sides" in these things.  We've been away together and had lots of laughs and scrapes and that sort of crept into my thinking because we had all been buying our houses at the same time, working on them (as the electrician in the group I was in some demand), we'd all had kids around the same time.  4 of us there last night were best man at the others wedding (I'll let you figure it out!).   So in many ways these guys are almost family to me and it was important that I finally told them all - one did know because of business and other reasons and because he too had gone through a divorce so I was able to talk to him.

So in many ways it was a milestone in my journey as now they know and I've just got to get around to telling a number of other people what is going on.  In many ways it isn't important but of course, addresses and stuff like that will change.  No use worrying about that directly and it might even work that I pick up each on its own merits.  

Christmas will be an interesting time I have no doubt.  Hopefully we can enjoy it as much as we can but it could be muted as I imagine I will be making my own way over to the house and back on the day :-) Interesting.

It certainly does feel strange this morning though.  I'm not unhappy - just thoughtful I suppose.  I feel for Mrs. F. still though and I have to remind myself that I can't fix this or her and no matter what I do I can't make her feel any better much as I would like to.  Even in my wildest dreams I can't see getting back together being anything else other than an absolute disaster because all of this, what's happening now would be hanging like the Sword of Damocles over us.  It could be used like a cosh to constantly reinforce a position and blackmail the other - no that won't work.

Oh well - I'm sure this will pass soon and I just need to get on with some more work to take my mind off of it.

The Cat IS Out Of The Bag

I told all my school chums tonight that Mrs. F. and I were no longer " a couple".  No one feigned surprise or anything other than sadness and support.  As I thought they would.

I can't tell you how relieving it is to me to that this is now out amongst my friends who I had to apologise to as I had hidden this for 3 months from them.  Actually it was OK and not a problem at all.  No one I've spoken to had ever been shocked.  Many say that we lived separate lives anyway and that's true.  

Onwards and upwards... 

Finally - Kind of - well almost - possibly - well partly...

Mrs. F. finally told her mother this morning what is going on and now we await to hear whether to tell her father who is 93 and apparently not too good with this sort of news and getting forgetful - so may forget what we tell him anyway?  Although I have to say I only spoke to him briefly on Saturday he seemed OK to me?  Oh well.

At least that is some sort of progress - it's way over three months to get here but I guess it needs to run its course.  Life is bearable but slightly on edge here - dare I say it isn't a great deal different than before except that the silence can be more pronounced and that in many ways things get done around the house a bit quicker as I am actually doing them and being helpful and useful - it's a bit of a peace offering in some ways but as I'm here I might as well make myself useful.

I'm off soon to go and see my school chums for beers and a chat - I think I will tell the rest of them tonight as it is now pretty much in the open - none of them see my Father-in-Law or are unlikely to at all if ever.  I can only imagine what they'll make of it all.

I've eBayed myself to a standstill today - I've posted off loads of things this morning and wrapped a load more this afternoon and posted a load more lots onto the site especially as they have given me more allowances - which is cool and I will probably use most of them this month now.  I'm just going to keep on going with this stuff until I hear that Flocky has a completion date and then cut over to sorting out a house and so on.  Looking forward to that but we are getting hellishly near Christmas as well so it could be very interesting indeed.

My next door neighbours just had all their stuff delivered from storage today - loads and loads of it - everywhere is bulging to overflowing bless them.   Hope that I/We don't have that sort of problem to overcome - sure we shouldn't!  

Mrs. F. is happy for me to take most of the Desks and chairs and office stuff - not sure if I ought to leave her with the big Computer or not.  If I do then perhaps get her a tablet to use and that will work out fine compared to what she has now which can be a bit temperamental.  Oh well no doubt we can work out the logistics as and when needed.

I think Flocky said he'd have about 3 weeks from notice to completion so that gives enough time to sort stuff out - find a place, sort out finance and move in and so on.  

Well That's Sad News

Jeanne Sather the author of the Assertive Cancer Patient Blog has died here is the news.  Her blog has been one of my constants through the years and I've watched her news and empathised with her and her predicament over the years and her ongoing battles.  She recently went into a Hospice and the messages slowly dried up.

I do hope that the blog remains up online as there really is a lot of interesting reflections and this lady had so much "fight" in her she was inspirational to me and I imagine to many many others.

RIP Jeanne.

Looking Forward To....

Do you know what I'm looking forward to?  Going out and meeting some people that I've never met before.  Far flung relatives over the other side of London and Facebook friends that I've not met yet - just meet up, have a beer and a chat - how good would that be?

Relatives and friends and just to get off my arse, get out and go see them and not having to worry about leaving people at home or whatever excuses I used to have.  Get in the car and go and see someone at the weekend.  Perhaps grab a train over there I don't know but just to get out of the house and do something and start to live like I used to years ago.  

There's concerts and events going on all over the place, there's some great rock bands and festivals, there's just a day out in the country - anything at all really.  I'll soon have the opportunity to get out and about and start to meet people and interact and "get my life back".

I was wondering whether that old saying is true that you get married and you get changed into something the other partner wants you to be molded into and then they complain that you weren't the person they married?  It feels like that to me.  It feels like all m "freedoms" were reined in one by one and talking with Flocky earlier today it was pretty obvious that I now realise that I was spending inordinate amounts of time away from the home "on business" and I'd leave early and get home late and even find excuses why I'd be doing that.  It was better to be out than at home - how terrible that I probably was doing that almost subconsciously.  Sad. 

I still feel so desperately sorry for Mrs.F.  she looks so very very sad to me and I know there are two sides to all these things and let's say we are equally to blame she looks so lonely and sad but I don't think I can do anything to help her - in fact I'm sat here at 00:42 keeping out of the way and still perpetuating the keep our distance existence.

Tomorrow is already here - I have to get up to hand over some books to one of my buyers and then maybe up to the Post Office - grab a coffee and see what the day holds for me.   

What's The Problem? I Have To Keep Reminding Myself :-)

It's funny - I still get crazy moments like this morning when it was infinitely more desirable to go for a coffee with Flocky than to post all this stuff I had.  I sort of chose to get the packaging done and posted and then Flocky said he was at my local coffee shop for breakfast and then it struck me - what's the point in breaking my neck to get stuff posted right this very moment for?  There's no reason or rhyme behind it at all.  The bottom line is that everything would still get posted today AND I would be able to have breakfast and coffee too.  So there it is - at the end of the day - I achieved both things and it was in some way good that I waited until around 1 as I had so many parcels that it took a good 20 minutes to sort them all out and there wasn't anyone in the post office so that was cool.

I still need to get my head around these priorities - the old me was out at play there earlier - got to get this or that done and make sure it went out ASAP and yet no one will notice if it went out on the 1st or 2nd collection anyway.... :-)  Priorities :-)

I'm getting there but of course it isn't easy for someone who has to do things RIGHT NOW.  Perhaps a bit of OCD in me I guess.  Or CDO which is like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order - JUST AS THEY SHOULD BE!! :-) LOL

I just have to keep reminding myself that life's for the living and just try and enjoy it and stop putting invisible self made pressures on myself.  Here's a great song by Passenger one of my favourite bands at the moment - fabulous lyrics to these songs.  

Second set of logos arrived

More excitement as my second lot of logos arrived for me to look over.  I've got my favourites but have sent out to my jury of reviewers to see what they make of it.  It is interesting to see and hear what their reactions are to it all.

I saw Flocky this morning for coffee and a spot of breakfast which was good as there is nothing in the house.  I shall have to get used to shopping for myself again soon :-) but I don't eat a lot of different things and so can stock up on basics and make sure that there's enough in :-)  Looking forward in some ways to doing stuff like that and in some ways not - just hope that I can remember how to use a washing machine - it's been a while....  Mind you there's Youtube for that - how clever is that - don't know how to do something someone somewhere has stuck it on YouTube :-)

I've got a huge bag full of stuff to be posted so I'd better cut along, get myself some lunch and then hit the Post Office and send off all the stuff I sold at the weekend.  It's frightening but I've actually made more money in the past month than Mrs. F. does working full time!  At least I'm contributing to the household again!

Mrs. F. Back From Her Sojourn

Well Mrs. F. arrived home this evening and didn't really say much - she had enjoyed being away and in some ways I learnt a little of what it is going to be like being more on my own in the future.  It's been a crazy eBay day with lots of lots finishing and some of the highest grossing records coming through one alone over £150 which is great and that will be shipped off to Japan once I've got payment for that.

It's an interesting exercise seeing what you think is valuable and what things actually go for.  Somethings like that record I didn't expect to get more than £20 for.  So it was a nice surprise and it all adds to the coffers and keeps Mrs. F. a little bit happier I hope.  

Last night was difficult all round as I had to tell some people that I was now separating from Mrs. F without my nephew and my father-in-law hearing - what a mess this is.  I hope Mrs. F. resolves that soon.  In fact my Mother and Father-in-law popped around and left me some stuff for Mrs. F. and of course it's all sweetness and light but - well I suppose I ought to be prepared for some sort of backlash somewhere along the line but Mrs. F's sister has been divorced and has a string of relationships so I hope that it doesn't come as a massive blow but I suppose we have been together for a very long time.

Let's just hope that not too many people get hurt with all of this going on?  I had plenty of time to work on the business today in between wrapping up stuff to be posted tomorrow - I'll be so glad to move so that I can actually bring all my concentration to bear on the business.  I've decided to add a few more lines of business as well since I spoke to a number of people who want their VHS tapes converted to DVD.  I've done this myself so know how to do it, it takes a bit of time but can be done and so I think that I will add that into the mix too.

It's very strange I have to say - looking forward to getting out of here and change my life and I'm sort of looking forward to it.  The reason is straightforward, since I've made up my mind to leave, all the problems I had are gone, I can just get on with life and move things onwards.  That's all aspects of my life and a sort of clean break, a concentration on running my own business on my own terms is also part of the deal.  If I can get this right I can really start to move my life forward and I also want to have the business support my lifestyle so that it fits around me not vice versa - so it needs to be moderately successful :-) 

Anyway that's a little way off in the New Year and once I've moved out.  

Oh Dear - Reflection

Some years ago I was lucky enough to find this web site authored by Jeanne and I have just popped by and found the disturbing news that Jeanne is about to transition over to wherever we go after we finish our time here on earth.  

This Blog posting will tell you more about the situation than I could ever do.  Jeanne's blog is a tour de force on cancer and I'm so sad in many ways to now realise that - her contribution to our immediate needs is ended and that she may now go and continue her work elsewhere. 

Like many who have gone before me they have strengthened my ideas, my ideals and my actions.  No bad thing.....

A Plan - NO wait....

Funny - last night my mate said he'd drop me back home - he had to leave early - another friend also left early someone said - hey I can get my wife to drop you off  - if it isn't too much trouble I said and it wasnt as they disappeared anyway! 

So we got a taxi home.  Doh!  Not that it was a problem at all.  It is though one of those thing that was just an annoyance say a year ago and these days is - well - just funny :-)

I just let it all happen knowing that I'd get home somehow even if I had to walk!  

That, my friends, is how it is these days.  It doesn't matter at all.  

Cancer seems a long way away to me

Although I know I must have a scope coming pretty soon, it does seem to have been a long time ago that it was right there at the front of my mind and yet of course it wasn't that long ago I was in Hospital for an operation that once again proved that all was clear.  

How quickly the memory fades but also since I've emptied my mind of all that baggage it doesn't dwell in my mind anymore which is great and I don't miss it I can tell you.  I think the human mind is pretty good at suppressing bad stuff and also it dims the pain and the anguish and all the other bad stuff that happened around that time.  

I am so glad that I finally sorted my head and my body and my life out you know?  It's not as if Bladder Cancer was a catalyst for this - or was it?  I think it was a contributory factor and just added more weight to the arguments.  I've mentioned that I was already well on the way to divorce when I got ill and all that happened was that it delayed things and the problem was on surviving that the rebuilding I was trying to do was forever pushing the rock up the hill.  

Sometimes it feels like I'm in the Matrix the stuff that goes on these days and how I wish I'd been in the mental state I'm in now ten years or more back maybe, just maybe, I could have controlled all this better.  

I used to think about Bladder Cancer all the time and now I'm actually not thinking about it apart from coming here to the blog and if anyone asks me how I am.  It's all good as I tell anyone enquiring about me.  

So a long way off way off, way over there in the past and let's hope it stays that way.   Did it make me a stronger person?  No it didn't it changed me without doubt but I don't think I'm stronger than I was but perhaps even more so recently, life has changed significantly and that's great.  I'm really looking forward to getting moving on a new business and a new place to live and a new life and just being free to go and be me and not the person I've been until recently.

I like that everything these days can be looked upon as interesting, enjoyable even - so chores that I didn't really like can become something that you can get on with and just enjoy doing them.  Bizarre huh?  Sure is but that's the thing, live for the moment, enjoy it, experience it.  Today I had to go to the Post Office and it started raining - no worries wait - stops raining go.  Walking back a murmuration of Starlings convulsing in the sky above me, a lady parking her car and a smile her way, a lady walking her dog and a man both able to say hello and good afternoon to.  I felt great when I got back indoors.  Nothing happened (or did it).  I just enjoyed the wander up to the Post Office and back and the job got done no worries no panic no stress.  I got my prescription at the chemist and whilst the lady is a bit of a pain it wasn't a problem - I see the Doc wants to see me to once more take my blood pressure.  At least it isn't a blood test although I'd normally have one for Christmas.  It will be interesting to see what my BP is like these days now I'm that much lighter and fitter.  

So it all seems a long way off in a land far far away now thank goodness.  The trick today and going forward is to keep well, eat properly and try and stay as healthy as possible.  The one thing I certainly don't want is to go back to those dark places and I'm doing everything I can not to believe me. :-) 

Have A Nice Time

Probably not the best most well thought out phrase I could use as Mrs. F. headed out the door to spend the weekend with her friend down in Hastings.

Oh well - I do hope she does have a good time or at least not a bad time and comes back with some ideas and ready to move forward as it is getting pretty difficult here now.  I imagine the best thing I can do is get the hell out of here and then she can sort it out from there.  I really do hope that it is sooner rather than later just to not have to keep creeping around and being quiet and all that - it is very difficult indeed.  I guess she just can't bear to talk to me at the moment.

Oh well what did I expect?  

So have the weekend to myself in many ways and I'm off out this afternoon to see an old friend - and wouldn't you guess it the weather has just turned nasty!  Out tomorrow with Flocky and another friend - out most of the day by the looks of it.  At least it will be a break away from here and I know that I can get back to not quite an empty house.

Pressing on with the Logo design and have sent back my ideas to my Graphic Artists for him to have a look through.  

Other than that - I need to and look into converting Video to DVD - I've done my own but this is to do it commercially as so many people I've spoken to want this service.  So I can perhaps spend Sunday researching what I need to achieve it.  When I did it, it was highly manual but I am sure you can do a straightforward VHS to DVD as I had a machine do that.  It is putting in Chapters that gives you the problem.

Anyway, let's see what transpires from Mrs. F's trip to the coast.  I sure hope it does her good.  

Awkward Times Still

In some ways not a lot has changed here - I could be mean and make fun of it but let's not go there.  The strange thing is that Mrs. F. can barely say anything to me at all and I have real difficulty talking to her - not me talking to her but she's still so upset with me that it's almost as if it is painful to talk to me.  That's a shame and whilst I feel bad for that it only upsets me in as much as I hate to see her so upset.

It worries me that she hasn't told her mother and father and I am at a Lodge meeting with him and my Nephew - who also doesn't know - this weekend.  Well let's hope it doesn't slip out. I think it isn't a great strategy and I've told her so but that's what she wants to do.  I wonder how she will explain things if I'm not at home anymore and have moved out?  It seems bizarre behaviour to me.

I'm pretty exhausted after another long day doing my eBay stuff and then trying to sort out my company logo.  I need to get something back tomorrow to my artist so he can work on that again and then get to grips with the next stages of making sure the strap line and the service lines all work properly (in terms of wording).  I've written so much down and drafted so much that now I need to get in with a red pen and bring it all together somehow.    Easier said than done of course.

It appears that a lot of people I've spoken to are also interested in transferring video from VHS tape to DVD and so I'm now going to seriously look at doing that as well as a service line.  I'm getting quite excited about it now as the business plan is coming together the prices for all the liveried things is also coming together and also the thought processes are gradually ironing out the difficult bits and the stuff that hadn't been well thought through initially.  I can't wait to get started apart from the initial cost of setting it all up coupled with the cost of the house/flat all coming at once.  It will bite a big hole in my capital but from what I've heard lots of people want the service so I just need to concentrate on getting the mates and family stuff started and then move on to bigger and better things from there.  I have the opportunity to cascade this out with my annual newsletter to all my family history researchers but fear time may swamp me this year and I can always do a catch up later in the New Year.

I really like it when my mind starts to clear the fog of the business plan and I can see clearly what I need to do.  Now I just need to write it all down and document it in electronic form.

Mrs. F. is going away for the weekend and I didn't get an answer whether she wants a lift to the station, what time she is going etc.  So I didn't push it.  I hope she gets some sort of wisdom and assistance from her friend down on the coast and I hope she uses her time wisely.   I also hope that the advice she is getting will also mean that we can move on a bit here and that they won't lead her off into a direction that makes the process, distressing as it is already, any worse than it is.

News Travels In Ripples

Was at a Lodge meeting and my friend was talking a little too loudly and so another friend who had sort of latched onto what was going on twigged and so had to tell him too.  Mrs. F. is doing herself no favours really.  I know her father quite well and my nephew too and in some ways meet them more than she does and she hasn't told them what is happening it is so bizarre and so wrong but what can I do?

What concerns me is that the rumour mill will hit them before Mrs. F has spoken to them. In fact I may well have moved out before she tells her folks.  That's not right but the trouble is that I'm happy to let people know - it is what is happening after all and just trying to hide the truth will eventually backfire (IMHO).

Mrs. F is off to her friend in Hastings on Friday - I'm pleased as she is a rational person and stable and I think they went through a "crisis" and ended up taking on a B& B at this Sussex Coast town.  I tried to float this last year (you may recall) it was now, I think, a last throw of the dice I had available to me.  A way of involving both of us in a business and then a lifestyle and an opportunity to be in the country, near the sea etc.  

I see that as my last real attempt to get the two of us to become "Us" and not "me" and "I".  That's the real thing and the bit that now friends tell me was the missing ingredient.  There was always me and I and her and him but no us or we in my relationship.

It was also interesting to talk to my friend about his relationship that also has the problem I had which was that indoors and at home were far more interesting to Mrs. F. or my friend's wife than actually getting out there and experiencing life!  Going to Monza last year was for me a massive turning point - not Monza itself but the whole thing - the travel, the car hire, the Hotels, the restaurants and the GP itself. You can't do that sat at home on a Saturday night with a can of beer and a pack of crisps - you in one room and Mrs. F. in the other.

I have a big meeting this Saturday and it seems to me that there is a problem.  A number of people know my situation and a number don't. My Father-In-Law and my Nephew will both be there and I just hope that the "information" does not arrive second hand to either of them.  My Father-In-Law is in his 90s and I really don't want that to arrive from anyone other than Mrs. F. or perhaps me.  

Oh Right You're Going Out - Ermm, Good :-)

Mrs. F. just off out to see her friend and have a drink which was initially a shock and then I was pleased but the house is a very quiet place right now - just me and Kate Nash playing in the background :-)

Oh I'm glad she is getting out and talking to her friends and I'm glad she is taking the weekend off to go and see her friend and I hope just clear her head and get her thoughts straight.  I am very glad her friends are helping her I was/am very worried about that.

I hope that they also help her after all of this has blown over a bit because she really needs to rebuild her confidence and get out and about and enjoy herself a bit more.  I really hope it will change her and she can get out and meet some people and enjoy her life.

I'm still crashing away selling my surplus to requirements records and CDs on eBay and so far so good and some of the albums I bought years ago from my brother are turning out to be head turning money raising beasts.  I had no idea I'd never played them but on opening them they turn out to be highly collectible in their own right and there is plenty of interest in them.  I went through and found a load more this morning and so I am going to put those up tomorrow and see how I get on.  It will be interesting if I am to move out of here before the end of the month - goodness knows what timetable will materialise - as I have around 200 lots up now and should have close to 450 all being sold (I hope) over the next 2 to 4 weeks.

Then of course it is Christmas coming like an oncoming express train.  It will be strange this year I have to say.  I have no idea what will be going on - but hey - that's going to be fun right?  No use worrying about it.  I've bought just one thing and that's the Secret Santa for Christmas Eve which apparently I am invited to as well as coming back here for Christmas Day.  It will be strange indeed but there you go I can only imagine what the atmosphere will be like but hell I've been doing the acting for years and years so should be able to pull it off for another year I would have thought.

Think You've Got It Bad?

An acquaintance is having his Oesophagus removed after three lots of Radiotherapy today.  It's a pretty major piece of work and I hope that it will be a success for him. It's not been a nice ride at all and at one time he didn't want anyone to even talk to him - bless him.

Well fingers crossed they can sort that out and that he recovers quickly - He will be in for 10 to 14 days unsurprisingly.

This puts a lot into some sort of perspective.  Mind you we weren't expecting that they would be able to do this a few months ago so it is good news although he is, justifiably, very concerned.  

I see lots of interesting things these days - or perhaps I just see things differently to the way I used to see them.  I watch people getting angry or just doing batty things.  I hear strange conversations and am sometimes surprised at the way people talk to each other or interact with each other.  I'm no longer getting angry with people who frankly used to piss me off.  I just don't interact with them.  It's quite good - I don't always succeed but I'm working on it.  I was watching how someone is interfering, almost bullying, someone I know and I've been able to turn it and get them thinking that the person doing all of this is actually the person with the problem not the recipient which is, in fact, the way it is.  So no victim here, no reaction just move on.

You can also see things seething in people's demeanour - little injustices, little hurts all building up and what for at the end of the day it just gets you upset not the person that instigated it.  Therein lies the part that I'm working on at the moment which is to keep removing these little problems for that is all they are.  I may no like the way someone talks to me or does something and yet why should it affect me?  Sure it may look rubbish, it may "hurt" your feelings and all that BUT why should you get all rattled about it - it's totally non productive and the only person who gets hurt is yourself.  

Anyway - enough of this, I've finally got to a place that I've wanted to be in for a good few weeks and that is now in a neutral place about what has happened this past 4 months or so.  I was suffering a few doubts but feel those are now behind me.  There's mixed emotions of course but I'm happy with those now.  I'm kind of happy now with the massive changes in me too.  I'd have liked a few other things to have slotted neatly into place and one that didn't happen left a huge chasm in my plans but as I now realise, if it was meant to have been it would have happened and it was way out of my control or sphere of influence and whilst it is a shame, it can't be helped and I must move on.

The first logo rushes have just arrived from my graphic artist and so that's exciting - well everything except choosing one of the 16 I have in front of me - I have my friends also looking as they will probably see things better than I will.  That's tonight's mission to go and have a look and a play and a feel of the logos.  I can see two of them being really right up there and another 2 with a bit of work may cut it.  I remember hating the Doddle logo to start with and yet after three or four days it sort of came out OK - let's see what happens with this one :-)

Facebook sometimes has something more than merriment

A friend posted this today:

"Do not let the shadows of your past darken the doorstep of your present and future. Let go, forgive and move forward. Just because the past didn't turn out like you had hoped, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you had envisioned. In fact, we often grow stronger in the places we were once broken. Because it’s not until you're broken for a while that you truly learn what you're made of on the inside. And this insight gives you the ability to rebuild yourself, stronger than ever before."

Now it isn't massively profound and yet in there are two messages because it certainly didn't turn out like I planned not by a long way and also not at all how I thought this year was going to turn out at all.  It would be great if the future could be better than you had envisioned but somehow it would have to be very good indeed.  There is a side of us that deals in "Ifs and Buts and Maybes" and that's the problem because it will always have been this or that given any of those three elements.  It is so difficult to let go sometimes though and I'm coming to terms with that in two ways.  My past life as victim both through illness and relationship and where I thought I was going, what I thought would happen and how I thought it would all pan out into some utopian dream of living a wonderful life.  

Don't get me wrong, that's still there - the wonderful life - it just isn't the way I envisioned it, with the person I dreamt it would be with and in the manner in which I wanted it to be.  There's a lot of "I" and "Me" in there isn't there? :-)  

I have to say that I'm disappointed but I'm now beginning to "get over it" and that's the thing about the experiences we have.  I have probably just had the most amazing 4 or 5 months in my life for all sorts of reasons.  I've come bursting out of the doldrums and my life has exploded.  I am suddenly conscious of all that is going on around me and I'm gradually building myself into someone that has finally got to "that comfortable place" in my life.  It's uncomfortable in terms of what is happening to me with the breakdown of my marriage - sure it is but on another level, I no longer have the lingering doubts about my future and what is coming down the track for me.  I no longer have the past beating me up either.  I'm not saying I've perfected either of these yet but I can at least see what is happening and stop it - if not immediately - certainly I can work on it.  

I have some regrets but I can't actually do anything about them at all - they have to be learnt from and cast aside because they aren't useful to hold onto or to do anything with.  There's no use in beating myself up for this stuff.  I am particularly annoyed - no perhaps that's the wrong word - perplexed maybe - I'm not sure - about something that happened and I wonder how I could have affected it and then realised that it was way beyond my control or any influence I had or could have in the future to alter it.  You can't go back and change something with hindsight and neither can you try and recapture these moments, it just cannot happen and I struggle with it but tonight, writing this, I can see how futile it is to even go down that route.  It hurts like hell but that's the way it was, it's over, it's happened and that is that!  

I still need to learn some more control and to accept some of the things that have happened (that I thought would be good and turned out not so good) and not to dwell on them - I'm getting there, writing like this here and in some private blogs is sorting it out for me.  I hope that I will soon really master it as it really does help me move on. Sounds like I'm rambling on a bit but that's the bit that needs to change.  It's letting go that is difficult and once you've learnt to let it go it become easier.  I would suggest that for everyone it is difficult but let go you must or you will forever be being dragged back into areas you have no influence over and that aren't really important at all.

Life & Logistics

The practicalities of separation.  When I moved into my house share when I was 19 or 20 years old I took a car full of stuff with me - there was already a bed, I took clothes, records, HiFi and a few bits.  When I moved into my first house I took a small box van of stuff and when we moved here it was a large removals van.  You accumulate stuff and yet I was quite able to live with the car full and van full of stuff originally :-)

In that time I've built a library of books, DVDs, CDs (selling them all now), Vinyl records (selling them too).  Desks, chairs, office equipment, exercise machines, a host of coffee machines, mixers, juicers and other kitchenalia and a set of tools and garden implements too.  It is just amazing how much clutter you accumulate over time.

I was thinking about it last night and wondering what I actually need to take with me.  It's interesting as I need my office stuff and clothes of course.  I've a put-me-up bed that will last for a short while but will need to get myself a bed.  There's loads of stuff that I really don't need to take with me as I'm moving temporarily and when we finally come around to selling this place then it can move to wherever I'm going then.  

I'm not worried about it but just amazed at how much clutter I have built up over the years.  I might actually use the car more as well once I've moved - the poor thing just sits out on the drive at the moment as I tend to walk to most places these days.  Ho Hum.

Very Upsetting - To Upset Someone Else

I've been in a funny place today - I found talking to Mrs. F. deeply moved me this morning - more than I thought perhaps.  I don't think it is likely that it will sway my decision - I had too long to decide what to do - years and years of it and so I know I have to do it but it did play on my mind today quite a bit and I'm still feeling a little tearful just writing about it.

Of course I can intellectualise this and work it through and come up with all sorts of reasons but I find that it's how upset she is even after 3 months and that hurts me so much and yet I'm hoping it will be as good for her as it will be for me.  If we'd have stayed together I'm not certain what sort of person I'd end up being.  I was already in a deep rut and going downwards.  I was pretty depressed sometimes and I'd go do stupid things occasionally to let off steam.  No, I know this is the right thing and I've seen the other side and where I want to be.  I had to laugh when the chap who is doing my graphics said he'd been married and divorced twice and was on his nenth girlfriend :-)  

I realise that what I want (is that the right word - probably not).  Need is wrong too.  How about what I want to give and how I wish to live is so different - diametrically so - to how I live now that I had to do what I did and in some ways I'm heading off to learn about myself a bit more, to get back on my feet and to just go out there and enjoy what life has to offer.  

I'm sure that I'll meet someone or perhaps many someones in the future.  I doubt anyone will get close to me for a while as I really do need some space and some stability and then I can get to move forward.  Mrs. F. was worried about a fuse going in the house or some other such thing and I was trying to say that, these things will happen and you learn to live with them and it's no use me just sitting here waiting for an emergency to arise to prove my worth.  

It's a sad time at the moment as I know I'm breaking her heart.  She broke mine years ago of course and continued to do so for many years but in a small way - a bit at a time - lots of small things and nothing ever major.  I feel desperately sorry for her but not enough that I should try spend my life suffering what happened to me these past years to put it right.

Do I worry about the future?  Yes a little bit but not as much as I used to.  I know that I can scrape a living and I just want to be happy to do that and be happy with my life, with my friends and in myself.  I worry a bit about Mrs. F. but I really do hope that she gets herself together over this coming weekend when she is away on the South Coast and that she realises that if she can change her life and perhaps start to feel good about herself she can move on.

What Happened There

I woke from a dream, alone in the house - or so it felt - I had heard people go out and for the first time in a very long time was having some very vivid dreams and suddenly Mrs. F. walked in "What are you doing here?" I asked her - she said "I live here!"  Pretty good by Mrs. F.'s standards - "Shouldn't you be at work?"  "Not on a Sunday!" :-)  Oh dear - now I haven't done that for a very long time.  Dementia?  Who knows with me - it was quite a shock but a nice one as I was tangled up with how could I get my car out of the drive with her car there :-)

Anyway - she then told me she was taking a day off on Friday and then going down to Hastings for the weekend to see her friend and then take some long walks and think things through and I'm glad she said that.  She was still visibly upset and so we had a little cuddle and just made sure each of us was OK.  Have to say I then went downstairs and had a bit of a cry because I hate to have ever thought I'd hurt someone as much as I can see she is hurt - no matter what has gone on I spent most of my life with her so I'm going have to realise it isn't going to be easy at all.  

I haven't felt this tearful or upset for a long time but I know what it is and I can deal with it, I just have to work through it and put it where it belongs and put that out of my mind - I knew what I was doing 3 months ago it is in fact.  Quarter of a year already.  Anyway, the good news is it is Sunday, Mrs. F. is actually going to get away and think things through and probably have a nice long chat with her friend down in Hastings who is pretty nice and a steady person so I hope she can help her.  I feel I should try and help sometimes but it doesn't always does it.  It's a hard line to walk down when you've fallen out of love with someone but you are still friends (or really want to be).  Treading on Eggshells is such an appropriate phrase in these situations.

Onwards and upwards though....