The Scary Factor

I was chatting to a friend this morning about the forthcoming operation and the assessment. The last time I had an assessment they completed that and the next thing that happened was I got wheeled down to theatre so this will be a first.

I really can't stand having blood taken so I definitely don't look forward to anything to do with needles or syringes (as you may recall from the BCG syringes they use!).

So I can only imagine that my Blood Pressure will be through the roof and I just hope that they don't keep me waiting as it won't get any better doing that either.

It is the 0.1% that will get you

I just saw an advert on TV. Some domestic spray you can use that kills 99.9% of household germs including a whole host of named nasties.

The worry is the didn't mention what the 0.1% was that it didn't get rid of? Not that I should worry that much about it I suppose.

Choices

So my old company would like me to work for them based on a contract rate. I suppose that isn't such a bad idea really. I could certainly do part time and I suppose it would fit nicely with the uncertainty of the outcome of Monday week's tests.

At least this way if I have to take time off it isn't going to mess up a new employer's area.

I find it amazing that they are having to look to get me back. I don't think that they realised the aftershock of the redundnacies would have been to make those who were thinking of leaving take the decision for themselves but you can imagine if you have mortgage and you are not sure where the next penny is coming from you have to make those sorts of decisions.

What that means is that because I can do the whole piece - I could go back and be managed by the people I used to manage - which is very funny as they will make me do what I was making them do :-)

Brilliant Evening

I heard some great news from a friend of mine that his wife is getting better and making a great recovery and I feel really lifted. He has been really kind and called me on the odd occasion just to see how I am and to offer me his support and all the time his wife hasn't been at all well. Every now and then your faith in human kind is restored.

I was at a Jazz night this evening and it was one of those magic ones. A few guests turned up and they jammed along brilliantly and there were some great solos, really good musicianship and with Speckled Hen at £2.40 a pint - you just can't go wrong really.

Fantastic night and good company. I feel much better - better than I have for a couple of weeks and it isn't the beer doing that - it is the "high" of hearing that my friend's wife is so much better and on the mend and for enjoying a good night out.

So they'd like me to work with them again

How about that. Possibility of going back to work with the company that are laying me off.

It often happens that there are a round of redundancies followed by some major people leaving followed by some key people leaving and suddenly you are struggling. These guys now don't have people available to deliver! Hey ho, what do I know?

I need to think about this. It could work to my advantage in that I need part time work and they need me.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

It has been a busy old day again

I am off out again soon to listen to some live music - Trad Jazz. It is a nice evening out, I'm probably the youngest one there :-) The beer is cheap and the company is good and the music is always played well - wit occasional variances in quality but normally it is good fun. I also get a good walk there and sometimes back as well.

Talking of which I ramped up to 30 minutes exercising this morning only to have a phone call at 20 minutes. No I couldn't be bothered after the call to reset the machine for a further 10 minutes - perhaps tomorrow.

So I've had three meetings face - to - face and a couple of phone call meetings and a few e-mail exchanges too.

At least it keeps my mind off next week and the week after.

I am encouraged by

The occasional note I get saying keep on with the blog. I often feel that it is just mundane stuff but was "told off" for that. I suppose it is important to know that life goes on pretty much as normal and that actually your emotions go on a roller coaster ride. You can't get off the Roller Coaster until someones says you can, you have to ride it until the journey is over. The cruel bit is just when you think everything has settled down - off you go on another circuit, bend and loop the loop.

I think that I play down how serious this is. I read my consultant's notes again the other day and she told me in no uncertain terms what this disease is all about.

Anyway, I am rambling off the subject - which was that I am going to keep on doing the blog and hope that it doesn't get too boring. Sometimes all that does happen is I get up, do some work and go to sleep - life as normal - I'm beginning to be more and more thankful for that.

A good evening out was what was needed

It has again been a busy day as I was trying to get my paperwork sorted. Tomorrow I have to go and sort out some financial stuff (I can't get my head around balance sheets) and so I am going to have my work checked to make sure that I am right.

I was out this afternoon and this evening with the person who has bladder cancer but is a few years in advance of me and on the BCG maintenance regime. It does me good to see him looking so well and so I am feeling much better.

Later on I have to meet some guys about web sites, servers, domains and all that.

After that I am out to a Jazz night so that will take my mind off things for a while.

In between times I need to complete some minutes of meetings and to redo a terms of reference and a re-planning document.

Thursday I will again be out and then, with any luck things will settle down for a short while. At least being busy is taking my mind off you know what so that is good.

Disrupting my life

I know I shouldn't complain about it but it really disrupts your life having Cancer. Simple things like going out on a Monday night in 6 weeks time become uncertain events. I cannot commit to anything in case all is good and I go straight back on maintenance therapy. That then takes out the Tuesdays and my life is dictated by the uncertainty of the outcome and the treatment regimen that will put me on. I have had to turn down a number of things "just in case" and people are sympathetic of course but when things suddenly move and I could have been there it takes on another connotation.

I suppose because I have always had a planned and organised life (being a project manager it tends to fit to some sort of plan) that this uncertainty and short notice changes in plans really does knock me sideways. It takes a lot to get myself back on track and I just know that something else is going to happen to mean I've got to re-plan again.

Calmed Down a bit now

I am having a very up and down time at the moment some days I am OK others I am dreading the coming event. It is less than two weeks away now - it is only a week to assessment and by this time next week I hope that that is over. At least I won't have to go through assessment and having the Op a few minutes after they finished that.

Whilst I am in this mood I ought to get on and work my way through my list of "to dos" which still doesn't appear to be getting any less.

After a long battle

What does that mean? We use very aggressive words with cancer, you beat cancer, you defeat it, you win the battle, you battle cancer, you fight it.

I always feel for the obituary that says "after a long battle against cancer" It implies that cancer somehow "won". Pedantic semantics I may have but it is an unusual choice of words but what else could they be?

Cancer is an enemy
Cancer is aggressive
Cancer needs to be tackled aggressively

I don't think I am in a battle. I feel that I am approaching recovery different to say, a cold. You have to change your lifestyle and so you "manage" the disease and try to ensure that it never gets to a point of managing you. Whatever control you do have is focused on beating the disease so you can see how quickly I slipped back into the fighting vernacular.

Anyway, the next time someone had a long battle against cancer you'll perhaps give some thought to how long that battle was and what it meant to that person.

Dream Time revisited

It can be quite a shock waking up these days to find that actually you aren't just coming to in your hospital bed but you are actually at home. The dreams are all about the hospital but not on anything specific at the moment. Mostly this is reliving things and complaining about blunt cannulas and replaying different scenarios of the outcome. The Surgeon comes over and says hello but that is it. They smile at me and it looks good news. However path results take a couple of weeks so it isn't going to be over the day after the Op.

Perhaps the dream will pick up a bit in intensity nearer the time. Despite knowing what awaits me my mind is still occasionally running wild about it.

This time, as I understand it, they will knock me out and will take a series of biopsies around the bladder. Last time they were going to do this but actually re-re sectioned and resected another area and did some retrogrades and then took biopsies as well!

These biopsies will be around the original area of the tumour and also at intervals around the bladder. These are then mounted in a wax substance and thinly sliced and examined under a microscope. They can then determine what affect the BCG has had and what the next steps may be.

Best case is that I get to go on to maintenance therapy and get 6 monthly hits and 3 weeks a time (I believe). At 6 months afterwards a flexible cystoscopy and if all looks OK then another 3 lots of BCG and so on gradually the intervals increase but the dosage I believe stays the same.

The more often you have these BCGs apparently the more severe the reaction can get and some people don't finish the course. I really haven't had such a severe reaction that I'd have wanted to give up the course but I did get a seriously bad reaction to one that shook me and I can imagine if I had had a series of those I might have thought differently.

Another person I know with Lung Cancer

I heard tonight that someone else I know has lung cancer. That is three in as many years and two this year alone.

I wonder whether it is an "age" thing - I remember being told that you know you are getting old when your friends and acquaintances start dying.

It could be that I am getting to that age where my peer group are beginning to get cancer, serious illness and dying. Not trying to put too much of a downer on proceedings you understand. I think there is also a fair amount of being sensitive to people with cancer. There is a"not just me then" attitude. Also and perhaps a it more disturbing is ranking your cancer and severity against them. It is only natural to compare and I keep coming up with an answer that mine isn't as serious as theirs. However, it probably is, it is just (thankfully) I am not on chemotherapy, I haven't lost my hair and (hopefully) things are getting under control.

I'm meeting up with the person I now know has bladder cancer and who is on maintenance therapy - he will have completed his latest course and so I can see how he got on. He did have a very bad turn with the BCG once. Far worse than the turn I had. However, he is three or four years on from his original diagnosis which I remember being quite something. I knew it was cancer but not how bad it was. So that will be tomorrow - or in fact looking at the time later today.

Right - must dash - better get some sleep.

Connecting the dots

All I need now is confirmation that I can disappear from my employer's radar, hand back the equipment which would make it difficult to contact me and to free up a third of my desk and allowing me to draw a line under that.

I have some work to get on with, well three concurrent bits of work and I need to concentrate on those. This would allow me to do that. I can then sort out my plans and get to work free from the encumbrances of the bits and pieces I have been doing.

That would tie in the dots about winding up my employment, setting up the business again and earning some part time money through that. so that would be work.

Then there are the dots in the insurance claim. Gee 5 months that has been dragging on for and I'm still not sure what to make of that. It would be nice to connect that one and not have that to worry about.

I suppose get the 19th out of the way as well. I've got to hope that it is good news and that I'll get stuck into the observation and bcg maintenance regime. That would join those dots up.

If all three could come together then perhaps I can get some control back into my life. I can also plan this holiday that I haven't had since - 2005! That was the last one in Summer 2005!

I am wondering whether to take myself off on my own - I'm pretty good at that and have travelled extensively on business on my own and made the best of it. Sometimes it can be difficult - taking a photo of yourself always looks sad :-)

Anyway, I do hope that these loose ends can just get tidied up quickly and I can get on my way again.

Mainly Successful

I think that was it. I've handed over all of the document sets along with whatever knowledge that isn't in the file systems. Everyone seemed OK with what I gave them and I've given assurances that they can contact me should there be any problems.

I've completed a note back to the boss and hopefully we can arrange to get the PC and equipment handed back so that I can walk away from it at last. Like many of these things - trying to get a clean break point is always difficult and this - which I thought would be easier than most - is still a little difficult to extract myself from.

Last bit of work for employers

I think today could mark the last piece of work I have to do for my old employers. I'm going to walk them through all of the documentation I have left them (my legacy) and make sure they know what it is, what state of readiness it is in and so on.

Hopefully that will be an end to that, I can hand back the laptop and can put the whole thing behind me. It is baggage that I just don't want, after all I was made redundant and that is fine but to carry on working for them during the notice period is downright depressing - both parties need to move on.

I'll see if I can get that to happen in the next few weeks and then I can forget being available for them and get on with my own things.

I think it is fair to say that

I am getting quite wound up now. 2 weeks to go, I know what is going to happen as lets face it - it's the same as before but I won't be in for so long. I find the whole thing totally dehumanising and like being wheeled around in an abattoir.

I think that the worry is whether they'll find anything and what will happen then. It's not something that is cured and it can go one of a couple of ways. The ideal of course is to go onto maintenance - when will that start and finish? If it is bad news then is it something more drastic?

I don't want to wake up with the 4 weeks off work bit again but if that is what it has to be then that is that.

As I've said before the problem is recurrence and that is the worry, they can scrape away, treat and monitor but there is always the possibility that you've got an aggressive little disease and all it wants to do is get you!

That is enough for tonight. I can't imagine I'll be fun to be with for the next couple of weeks, I really notice how scared I feel. I am pretty frightened and I didn't have time to think on the other ones. This time I do and I've known for a long time that I'd have to do this.

No doubt I'll be moaning on about this in the next few weeks so forgive me for that - I keep hearing "Its got to be done" but most people who say it to me don't have to have it done to them.

Stop Talking About it

I wish everyone here would stop talking about the day I am going in. I just get relaxed and forget about it when I get "Do you want me to come in with you?" Sensible enough question but how many times do you have to ask me?

Red Moon

My goodness what a great view we had of the eclipse. It was probably the best one I have ever seen. We have the telescope set up in the back garden, video and ordinary cameras too.

It was well worth waiting up for. Combating the freezing conditions was easy with mugs of hot soup and a nice shot of brandy when I got in.

Full Moon at the Eclipse

tonight and I have the telescope out and ready. Not often you'll get to see a clear look at a reddish moon. I'd like to live somewhere away into the country as the light pollution is pretty bad and also most people would probably wonder what on earth I am up to at night with a telescope in my back garden! This is not a small telescope this has a stand and all that - it needs 30 minutes to acclimatise to the temperature and so on.

At least it something we can all do this evening I suppose.