Sharp intake of breath

It was a bit ouch this time, a bit of a sting on the way in and you always get a sharp intake of breath as the catheter goes past your prostate.

I'm just coming up for the two hours and to take my mind off of wanting to dash to the toilet (which I do this time) - I decided to quickly jot something down on the blog - note to self - do not have soup with lunch next week!

Pressure is building up and the body wants this stuff out as fast as possible. Side effects - only a very slight aching in my joints - very slight. I think I had that first time only last time. I've taken my tablets and I'm getting ready for this next bit of the ride.

It was a bit sad today as the chap before me was on his "last chance" medication and if this didn't work then it would be radical surgery. Me - I'm pretty lucky and this is treatment worked last time lets make sure and repeat it.

Excellent - I've used up the time and can dash off to the toilet now :-) Bye

Next step

Shower complete, pills by side of bed, notepad by side of bed, medicine notes by appointment card, just the minor things left to complete before I get on my way.

Now to get the old sheets and stuff together and makes sure I have enough cleaning agents around as well and I'm ready. I'm a bit too early so need to push back this little routine by perhaps 30 minutes next time.

That's Lunch and the last drink for 3 hours

Water heater is on - ready for a shower, appointment stuff is ready - stress balls (I really should call them something different) are ready and I've just got to get myself chilled out for getting this done.

The next step is to get myself ready, set up all my pills, bed covers and stuff so that I only have to get home, do my turning, and that is me settled in for the day. Water jug, notebook, book to read and bleach ready. Other than that there isn't much that you can do really.

Back on the treatment

Only a short time to go now - I'm OK about it today. I didn't like the idea yesterday but today - different attitude and I'm just getting myself ready to get back into the routine.

I need to get myself a note book so I can keep track of timings, fluid intake, symptoms and so on. I've got my last one here. It starts at treatment two as the first treatment was a non event really.

I have the treatment at 2 pm which means I cannot drink after 12. I tend to eat early so allowing me to have a drink by 12 and then have a shower and get changed into some casual clothes. My wife drops me off at the Hospital and then struggles to find a place to park so she normally ends up double parked somewhere. As I have to be treated within a certain time period, I am normally pretty much on time and so I can be in and out in 5 to 10 minutes and then can be driven straight home.

The BCG has to be inside you for 2 hours. The first hour you turn and do 15 minutes on each side to make sure all areas have been covered. After 2 hours you can dispose of it. Lots of Bleach needed and then I go to bed - it is probably the best thing as I drug myself up after the turning and then there isn't a lot to do afterwards. I found getting up and moving around made me feel far worse. In that 2nd hour I also drink up to three pints of water or juice to help with the washing out process.

After I have slept for a while I might go downstairs and eat. Again, plenty of liquid to ensure that you wash out your bladder. After 6 hours they reckon that the BCG is out completely. I continue with the bleach on Monday night up to 11 pm.

SO - it will soon be time to get ready and go through my little rituals. I'll let you know how I get on.

Now I'm not so sure

It is Sunday evening and some of the bravado has gone and I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow.

I've had a good afternoon, sat in the garden, it's been warm and sunny and I've had a few beers. Now, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow - who would be? The planes have been whizzing overhead from the Air Show and all in all it has been a relaxing day but with too much time to sit and think!

The old reality check has kicked in and - all the brave face stuff can be put aside. It was last November and December when I had the last lot and - come to think of it - the days were quite pleasant and mild but the after affects were pretty serious.

I was saying earlier that I can handle this next lot better - and I'm sure I can. I have a better attitude and outlook this time, and I'm sure that is right. Fitter and healthier too. The upshot is that this stuff is pretty harsh and whilst it is better than Chemo it really does beat you up.

Knock the brave bit on the head for a while - this is not going to be a thing that you'd want to do willingly. Sure it cures you but it does feel like you turn up for a beating sometimes - if you get my meaning. Who would want to voluntarily go and get their "equipment" kicked in once a week for 6 weeks?

Anyway, I'm allowed to be a bit tentative as it is me who is going to go through the treatment. As I said earlier - I'm more prepared for it this time - but I'm also more respectful of it too.

No doubt tomorrow will bring some more thoughts and ideas.

Knowing what to expect

I actually find that OK now. After I had the hypnotherapy I have a different attitude to this. I know that it isn't going to be pleasant but at the same time, look how different it is to the last time. This is going to help me get rid of this and there is no letting up on what is to be done.

The last time I had CIS - which is Grade III - serious stuff indeed. It is a very aggressive form of cancer! So given that - and the BCG wiped that out, then this lot of treatment is going to reinforce that. Some may question why you need it but this lot of treatment is working on stripping the bladder lining and growing a new one, this time without the malignant cells and without any other malignancy or premalignancy in there.

I'm fitter both physically and mentally than I was 5/6 months ago and so I am hoping to be able to cope better with this. Last time I didn't drive for 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to the blood and gore bits (who is) but that means that the BCG is doing its job.

Getting back to a work routine

Is going to be difficult as I start whilst having the treatment so I am going to have to work around that and to be able to produce the right sorts of results.

My induction training starts on Wednesday but first we are off to a Partner Presentation at the Millennium Stadium in Wales (nice). Then off to Shrewsbury and then onto Warrington to do the induction training.

I'm going to have to play Tuesdays by ear as they'd like me to be at the Reading Office. I'm not sure that I'll really be able to do that as the morning after is when you either get up and feel OK or you lie in a heap. I've a feeling that this time I'll get the next level of side effects. They say that the effects are cumulative - I expect that the first one will be OK and it will be the 2nd one again that flattens me. We shall see, it starts tomorrow. As usual the work I was expected to do last week hasn't arrived and somehow I will need to fit that in as well. I'm not too worried about that, I can sort that out and I can invoice for it so it will keep money turning over in the business until the money flows from the work I am doing now.

So this coming week it isn't going to be too much like work but the week after, once I have had my induction training I'll need to get back to the disciplines of getting up at a certain time and structuring my working day. It should be a bit of a laugh at least.

That was a good day out

I dropped the family off at the coast and went and did a couple of hours work then picked them up again and then we went to one of these large designer outlets and spent some hard earned on some clothes for the cruise. We needed some jackets that convert from being fleece lined and waterproof to just waterproof. They are nice I have to say, warm as you like. That should keep off the sea breezes and enable us to get on to the glaciers and be ready for wind, sun, wet, cold etc.

A very nice day and next time - perhaps they'll remember to take some sun cream! It was also nice to take the Jag out for a decent run! Poor old car hasn't had a long run since January went I went to get my redundancy notice!

Sun is shining

A nice day out there - we are off to the coast and I'm off to see the new boss. We might as well combine the two as he lives near the sea.

Over the last few days I've noticed that it has been a turning point in my outlook and the whole family. Everyone seems to be just that little bit happier. Great - long may that continue.

By Heck

I've lost some weight! You only notice when you get to do things like put a suit, shirt and tie on.

I am in a notch on my formal belt and that is comfortable - my trousers are almost too big now. Shirt - no problem doing the collar up this time - I could even get my finger between the collar and my skin - and my waistcoat was loose and my jacket feels big as well. Now I only wore these a month ago and they were tight as you like then so I reckon that I've lost at least 1/2" round my neck and an 1" or more perhaps around my waist. The Doc said he thought I looked a lot fitter and had lost some weight. A quick glance at my chart shows that I've lost about 2.5 Kg in the month which is about 5 1/2 Lb.

Excellent. I am pleased about that - you don't notice when you wear casual clothes as they are baggy anyway, stick on a suit and tie and suddenly you are pulling your belt in and all sorts.

I appear to have lost the flabby areas around my waist, around my neck and just below my arms. Well that was an unexpected surprise - I am pleased.

Another meeting this afternoon

I am going to our Provincial Meeting for the Royal Arch or Chapter this afternoon. I'm getting promoted and so will be part of the meeting but I won't be actually doing anything like carrying a sword or anything like that so I can relax and enjoy myself.

Tomorrow I have to drive down to the coast to meet the new boss so I'll be taking it easy tonight.

Melancholy

The strangest feelings overnight and this morning. I'm not downright sad and I'm not unhappy either. I just feel slightly sad, as if I am leaving somewhere and knowing that perhaps I won't be back there again. It really is quite peculiar.

Perhaps it is apprehension for the job and what I'll have to do? Maybe it is because I've now drawn a line under all that has gone before? Perhaps revealing who I am on the blog? It is bound to be something deep in my subconscious and it was as if a switch had been clicked it was that sudden. Maybe the next step in medication and realising that I'm on these pills for life. Perhaps it is the utter relief that all of the worries are now in the past, the cancer's gone, the insurance is settled and I'm employed again?

I've heard of the "wave of relief" perhaps this is what it is. The bad times are gone and in a strange way you kind of miss them being there. The realisation that the things that were constantly on your mind no longer need to be there. The acceptance that these things played on your mind far more than you thought they did. The pressure and stress you heap on yourself are also there and the person you portray to the outside world is no longer false - you can stop being the actor and be really cheerful now.

Well that is deep and meaningful enough for a Friday I think.

Profile Information

I've published my profile "about me" information now. You can see that off to the right hand side of the blog.

I decided that I wouldn't do that originally in case something prejudiced the goings on with the insurance and of course the employment situation. As you may realise, there was a lot of doubt about that and if somehow things hadn't worked out then perhaps I'd have needed to work on that without the blog being part of the complication. I also felt that I didn't want everyone to know until I had told them myself. With the job front there may have been cause for some sort of tribunal and again I didn't want anything messing that up either.

So now - you know who I am and thanks to everyone who assisted me keeping it that way.

A bit disappointed really

It is soon to be my 50th Birthday and we are having a bash or a party. My relatives are coming but not my parents (they don't like that sort of thing - it is a bit far and we will do something else) but my brother and his family (I only have 1 brother) isn't making the journey down. OK they will be down a week or two before and bring my parents for a nice meal.

I do feel a bit disappointed though that some of my cousins are coming from a lot further to the party and my kid brother isn't.

The excitement is building

This new venture is beginning to get more and more interesting. I'm actually going to go and see the head man on Saturday and drive down to meet him. There is work that I need to do on the Project Management side that no one else ought to be doing as we get ready for launch.

How exciting is this? Well I think it has the potential of Google or Skype or PayPal perhaps. This is the only working system I have seen that doesn't cost the earth and that businesses can subscribe to without breaking the bank. I can't say more for the moment until after next week but the market is global - the trouble is controlling the growth rather than anything else. Get the growth right and it is years ahead of anything else out in the market.

Bit of a dilemma

I need to get some travel insurance and then thought well I ought to mention that I have bladder cancer and - well - actually I don't have it at the moment and I'm under treatment so that it doesn't come back. But it could do, so where does that leave me? It is all a bit strange isn't it. Also, even if I should get the symptoms again whilst we are away - there is little that anyone can do and it isn't something that you get sudden relapses or anything else strange happen to you. As I said before - you wouldn't even know unless I told you.

So I shall have some fun asking the insurance companies what (if any) changes they need to make to my policy.

Some will, I have no doubt whack their fees up and I'm sure that the more notable ones will hardly need to bother.

Watch this space.

Preventative Medicine

The meeting with the Doc went well. We were both pleased about the results of the biopsies and also the Blood Pressure readings and the weight loss.

He is a bit concerned over the damage to my Kidneys (not much not significant) and also that some of the readings are getting towards the wrong end of where they should be etc. Most stuff is normal and also pre-diabetic stuff is backed away from those figures. There may still be a glucose intolerance but for the moment the figures do not show that.

Upshot is that there are more tablets - great - I hate any medicines - long story I will share with you one day. Anyway, I have to have these Statins for cholesterol and the like - even though my readings are good and within guidelines he would like to get them to really good.

My Blood Pressure tablets stay as they are and so that is under control - I am glad about that.

He wants me to have aspirin but is writing to my Consultant to make sure that it will not affect what she is doing - he doesn't want something with the potential side effects of aspirin (bleeding) to mess up the work done so far.

Oh and a blood test in a month and then give him a call. At least it isn't a fasting blood test this time. Doesn't matter I still don't like them. Nor did I like the "keep monitoring your reaction" over the next few months.

The biggest upset of the lot? I can no longer have Grapefruit juice or the Grapefuit fruit. That is one of my favourite things. Edited - I said fruit and I meant Grapefruit oops - one missing word and it means something entirely different!

The post arrived

And the cheques were there today. I joked with the wife saying that - that's the sort of money you'd expect if I'd have died. Mmm, she wasn't overly impressed with that sort of humour. Perhaps I should be Darth Vader - I mean I've always been on the Dark Side?

Right - I must away loads to do, little time to achieve it in and let's hope the Doctor is gentle with me today. I certainly don't want to be doing with anymore blood tests and all that malarkey for a while at least.

Back to see the Doc today

Hopefully it will be for a chat and where do we go next. Problems are that I am out tomorrow and next week treatment starts, job starts and so on. I need to chat to him about things like frequency of BP readings and on lifestyle changes made and continuing those on.

I am hoping I just get a "go away" for 3 months :-) We will see I have to go later this morning.

Change - Life's only constant

I find myself today breaking free of the routine of the last 10 months and having to restyle my life around work, keeping fit, home and hobbies. My exercise routine needs to be changed to be at a different time of day rather than anything else.

I could indulge myself with 30 or 40 minutes of exercising, then relax and then go and have a shower and easily I'd have eaten up 2 hours of my day. Leisurely breakfasts and not really having to rush and tear about, eating meals at set times, watching the same shows at the same time each day - routine.

I've got to get out of that routine and change. I take my blood pressure every morning and evening and I won't be able to do that so I think I ought to change that to weekly now. I'm seeing the Doctor later this week and I hope that he will agree. I have 6 weeks or more BP readings and everything looks reasonably steady although I think he wants my BP to be a little lower still. The upcoming treatment will mean that we may have to hold fire on that.

Again, the treatment will necessitate a certain amount of routine. The Mondays are always a series of routines and rituals.

It is going to be interesting moving away from the comfort of routine to the organised chaos that is to come in this job. Like many things - humans aren't great at changing especially where that change takes you out of your comfort zone and somewhere a little beyond.