To be or not to be

And all that malarkey.

I've been invited to submit a paper for inclusion in a convention in Chicago in August this year. I'd love to do it. I need now to convince the wife and children that they would far rather go to Chicago than to New Zealand where I was originally planning to go. Of course - everyone also has an idea where "they" want to go as well - one is possibly heading for University and the other is probably old enough to go with her friends on a holiday with them.

Decisions, decisions. If I go to Chicago I can present some of the research I have been doing for a number of years and perhaps kick start my new career. That would probably mean that I'd be hanging around at a convention for a week whilst the other 3 might be bored out of their minds. Oh well - I have about 2 weeks to make my submission - wish me well as I am not sure who will win this round of "negotiations" . From a totally selfish point of view I really do fancy doing it this time - I was invited a few years ago but really could not afford it and I hadn't prepared my papers either. Since then I have been published a few times so perhaps that would sway the organisers.

All that Jazz

First Wednesday in the Month. For almost 20 years I have been going to the first Wednesday Jazz evening. Subsidised beer and a cheap entrance fee and as much live Trad Jazz s you can handle with warm real ale too! Heaven.

It was a good evening and well worth the walk out in the cold air. We will be getting snow tomorrow - probably the remnants of the US storms of last week - it usually is - and with a few centimetres of dust settling we will probably bring the whole country to a standstill! We can manage this on a few old leaves in Autumn (Fall) or a few flakes of the "wrong sort of snow". Global Warming has yet to kick in around these parts. Roll on the days of mediterranean summers, grape vines in the back garden etc!

I have to say that I am in a really good mood at last after this evening. I hope to have put most of the recent rubbish behind me for at least a day!

Deliberations begin

I'm starting today to set in motion my deliberations for changing my career altogether and taking on a researcher based role focused on family history. The changes to life and what I have done for most of my 35 year working life are immense although, to be fair, I have come a long way from being an Apprentice Electrician to someone who Manages IT and business projects and programmes.

The problem as always with such things is whether or not you have the willingness to change and whether or not you feel you can do it in such a way as to achieve your personal and family commitments. It is all very well having a calling or perhaps a vocation but if it doesn't pay the bills then it is a bit pie in the sky.

The next few weeks will be critical in sorting this out I suppose. I'd like to think that it is all a done deal and that I will do this. There is no doubt that I would enjoy it and make a good "go" of it too. It is the heavy injection of realism that I need to make sure that whatever I do I am not back in the same position as I am now.

New Year here we go

I have been battling with the "what's holding you back?" question these past few days. It is that old nugget - the fear of change itself.

I think that the change will be a good thing albeit that there is bound to be an initial stress level caused by whether or not I can make a go of this. I think once I can work my way through these "obvious" objections I can begin to work out some more of the practicalities.

As is usual I like to plan and spend time making sure I understand the market and that I set things up correctly. I think that 2008 is going to be interesting.

As for health - well I go back on treatment in a few weeks time - another 3 BCG Instillations - Oh and I have to give a pee sample in a few weeks too. Then 12 weeks after I get to go back in for an operation for biopsies - Great - NOT! Oh well, all in a good cause.

Another Resource

This is an excellent resource. I'd like to thank one of the people who kindly stopped by this site who obviously has a lot to do with putting together this excellent resource on Kidney and Bladder and the other related Cancers

http://www.kidneycancerresource.com/wiki/index.php/Main_Page

Same but different

I looked back at last December's posts. There I am, still having problems getting to sleep and still thinking and wondering and planning. Mmmm, perhaps then there is a case here for letting things happen? My Mantra of "those who fail to plan, plan to fail" may be wearing a bit thin if, after all that planning last year, I failed anyway?

But, let's look on the bright side of this - last year I had Bladder Cancer, this year I don't have it any more. Last year it was a roll of the dice whether the treatment would work, now we know it did. I had a great job then, I don't have a job at all as far as I know. I can go and do what I want next year. Life is an opportunity this year coming not a lottery.

No matter what else has gone on, I need to remember and give thanks for the ability to even be here writing this blog on New Year's Eve 2007. Happy New Year to all in 2008.

Well that didn't work

I am still up at 23:35 and unlikely to get to sleep much earlier than a few hours time. I have been working on whether to submit a paper for a conference to be held in Chicago later this year.

I wrote an article some years ago and a fellow researcher has been urging me for a few years to submit this for review and if it gets accepted to go to Chicago and present the paper to a conference of international researchers. It would mean altering plans for holidays around but perhaps it may be worth thinking about.

I'm not sure if Chicago in August is quite what I was expecting - I was half hoping to be in New Zealand!

If my paper got accepted then I would give myself a big leg up in terms of wanting to follow my new research based career! It is a lot to ask of the family - a little selfish or self indulgent but I think I would really enjoy it.

Another night of sleep loss

I don't know why my mind wants to start undertaking massive calculations and what if scenarios as soon as I get to bed? It just does these things and I end up awake 3 hours later!

I am going to try very hard to get to bed early tonight and to not do any work before hand that gets my mind buzzing. It is so disruptive to my normal day as I end up sleeping in and then missing breakfast etc.

Back on subject

I suppose all these things going on have a bearing on my well being. However to get back to the subject and the bladder cancer and all of that. I was surprised that I felt like I was overheating at my friend's house the other day, I had to keep stepping outside as I was too hot. I get this a fair bit and I think it is the treatment. My immune system appears to be able to cope with people around me all having colds and so far, I haven't had one this year.

I find warm houses a problem and yet I have not found problems with hot days? Strange. I am still feeling tired and can fall asleep in my chair at almost anytime. I then go to bed feeling tired and get the thoughts rattling around and cannot get to sleep. That throws me out for the next day time wise and the cycle starts again.

Other than that, I feel OK but I know that I am neither fit nor what I would call well. By that I mean that I know I don't have cancer and that I am getting better each passing day but I am not fit, nor do I feel quite right - out of balance perhaps is the right way of saying it. I just feel not 100% If I were to put a figure on it I'd say 75%. Something isn't quite right and it may be everything getting to me at once, it may be an imbalance in the way my body is fighting one particular area of problems and other areas needs some TLC. Who knows? I think that I will just have to work slowly to tackle each area. Fitness, Diet, Physical and mental agility, whole boy wellness.

It is quite a peculiar thing to say that I don't feel completely right I suppose - but it really is as if there is something missing or something not in the right place. You can't put your finger on it and it isn't all the time. Often it is a malaise or melancholy but generally it is a listlessness or a form of procrastination. I know once I get myself up and out that I will enjoy going somewhere - I just sometimes don't want to get up and do anything.

I'm aware of these things so I can deal with them - I doubt that it is any different for anyone else coming out of an 18 month fight - I would think your whole body and your mind are shot to pieces with all the things that have happened to you. Trying to keep up appearances and lead a "normal" life are probably as taxing as anything else you do.

It will be interesting to see how I deal with this in the coming months.

An overactive mind

I seem to sleep during the day and lie awake at night. Last night I was running through the various scenarios for the potential litigation that I will be involved in at some point during the New Year. did I do everything right, have I acted to the spirit of the contract and all that good stuff. After 3 hours or so running the scenarios around in my head, challenging every possible defence and coming up with arguments for those I finally got to sleep. That must have been about 3 this morning.

It is one of those things I suppose - it isn't going to just go away and it needs to be faced and I am torn whether to just set to and spend a few weeks preparing the case or whether to wait and see what happens. Initially I am happy to let things take their course for the first week of the New Year as there are other forces at work and other creditors will be claiming their money. I can wait for that to happen and then make a decision or can strike first. Waiting is probably best but for no longer than a week.

I do find though that I am spending far too much brain power on that rather than on getting on with things here. Now that Christmas is over I can spend some time getting myself ready for 2008 and decide whether I take that career change or not. Tempting as it is to make the change - you and I know that it will take a lot of thought and planning to make sure that I can actually turn a buck doing it.

So that leaves me trying to work out ways not to keep consuming brain power on something that may or may not happen. It is a distraction I could do without at the moment. I just hope that the the situation gets resolved one way or the other and quickly too.

Still tired

It really takes it out of me - I am nowhere near as fit as I was a year or two back. Someone suggested it was the Statins I am taking as they have gradually felt more tired the longer they have been on them. I'm not convinced - I do get some of the side effects and so perhaps I ought to consider this in the future. I will get back to a regime of gradually building up my exercises again in the new year and hope that it helps me to overcome some of these periods of fatigue. Perhaps it is still the "healing process" going on? Who knows, all I do know is that I am pretty lucky that I don't have to continue this round of parties and eating and drinking for too much longer now. The last one for a while is this afternoon and once that is out of the way I can perhaps just take a long rest.

A Call from US, NZ and some good news

Great to hear a few distant relatives (in terms of miles) on Christmas day. That cheered me up so much I had my Uncle on the phone from the US and my cousins from New Zealand. Christmas day was one of cooking and looking after my guests. They all seemed to have a great time and it was nice to get some "time off for good behaviour" with the phone calls from the family.

Today we went to my sister in law's house for Boxing day afternoon tea. It is close to midnight, I am back and feeling very tired now. I intend to get some time off tomorrow but we have yet another evening of celebrations tomorrow! I wonder if I can take the sheer level of food and drink battering :-)

Gammon is done

The vegetables are prepared and just the last minute things to do on my check list and all will be ready for Christmas Day. Later, as we have done for every year for the last 17 we will be off to our friend's house. The children have all grown up together and so for 17 years they have met up at Christmas Eve and we have started Christmas off with bang.

When the children were younger we would get home about 9 - nowadays we are lucky if we get home at 1 or 2 in the morning!

It is always a great evening out and there is always far too much food and drink available. Once we are on our way then we will know Christmas has begun properly.

I'm pleased to be celebrating yet another Christmas. I feel very humbled that two of my fellow warriors who were diagnosed about the same time have died this year. I shall take some time out to remember them tonight at about 9 pm.

At Last

The new keyboard and mouse have arrived and suddenly things are a lot better and the typing actually comes out how you type it! Nice one.

It takes a bit of getting used to but a wireless keyboard does mean you can move around a little which is great.

The Mouse also works well being an optical one so you don't need a mouse mat and it works on about any surface.

Well that should keep me busy for a while. Well it is Christmas Eve and there is work to be done. not least of which is working out how to set up DVD RW disks for recording TV on and also to go and prepare the food for tomorrow. I also spend the afternoon preparing the Gammon and other such things.

Best wishes for Christmas to all.

Career Changing Thoughts

I have been giving some serious thought to this changing career move I reckon I could actually do this given my determination and also a serous desire now to get out of all the trappings of the rat race. It still makes me see red that people take your service and don't pay the bill. I expect that later next year they wont be quite so smug about having done that The trouble is the sheer amount of effort you have to go to to get back what is after all yours in the first place.

Whether pursuing your dreams or having a vocation actually puts money in your pocket at a rate enough to provide for the family still needs to be worked out. I intend to do plenty of work on whether it is feasible over the next few weeks. I hope to inject a serious amount of realism into the plan but if I can I will branch out into a researcher for family and local history. That would encompass a lot of the experience I already have together with my interest in the subject. If I could get paid to undertake research for those who cannot get to the archives we have in abundance in London, then it would be great as I could pursue my passion for History with a job I'd adore doing.

Now to see if the numbers actually fit together :-)

Saturday and letting go of work

Time to be getting on with life, the universe and all of that!

I have pulled out all the Christmas CDs and started playing those and need to sort out last minute thing along the way such as food preparation and I must get around to putting up the Christmas lights. We have a problem every year in that my wife has a birthday very close to Christmas (it happens every year) and so we don't really get into Christmas until about now. That means that everything is left and we end up cramming a lot into the few days before. At least we aren't sitting around I suppose?

I have ground my own coffee beans and made some real coffee today which has cheered me up no end. I like coffee but have been very careful about how much I consume since diagnosis. I am now a moderate drinker of strong espresso or just filter coffee and we get the strong small French beans which have been roasted to a dark black. Nice :-) I used to drink far too much of this stuff and the filter would be on all day!

So - I am working on slowing down, relaxing and letting go of the baggage I am carrying from this enterprise. I'll see if that is possible over these next few days.

We have a house full on Christmas Day which will be nice. I am looking forward to cooking the meal and to having a sleep later on :-)

Now to get on with Christmas

It has taken until the 21st December to get to a position of standing still and finally there is a way forward for the business which means that the almost start again Which is a shame for them as in about 6 months time this will all happen again and they'll need more money or more time.

So, time to shut down the PCs and take a week or two off from worrying about it. I'm sure all the troubles will be there in 2008, it is just that I won't need to worry about them by then - apart from endeavouring to get my money back through the courts or liquidator.

It is the season of goodwill towards men - meaning all men (and women of course) - and yet I feel an exception or two appearing on my list! I tend to hope that the lives these people have wrecked come to them in their dreams or that somehow they will get a Scrooge like visitation of past, present and future and realise that through their greed and selfish actions they will be bringing destruction on themselves in the future. But then I was was an idealistic and a bit of a romantic about such things. I think everyone gets their just deserts - perhaps thee guys have to live with it every time they look in a mirror? I really do hope so.

Entering a new phase

That is the view so far. Some are for it, some against it and the dice have been rolled and they can make up a new business and move on.

Great, that means that they can decide what to do about my contract and then we can get on and sort this out once and for all.

At least there has been some movement and we can all get on with our lives again.

A Good Old Moan

I was out with a friend of mine and we had a good old fashioned moan and bitching session about where I find myself now and also where he also found himself.

We had a few laughs I have to say. Both of us were at another venture a few years back that had similar problems and both of us lot time and money and had to build up again. I was relatively lucky in that one as I only had a small amount "owing".

The fun really got going when I was explaining part of the problem and it suddenly became clear to me that there was an even worse problem that had arisen about the way the company had undertaken its business and what it was about to do. They cannot make a clean break and dash off into the distance as they would effectively take the debts of the first company with the new one. I am certain no one has spotted this so far and believes that they can take away the intellectual property of the old business and make it the new businesses without the necessary value being placed on it.

I wish I had pursued a career in Law - the things that these guys are doing would fill a shelf :-)

They are all in conversation today about saving the business and I imagine that they will hear bad news from the investors and will need to rethink their position. They have blindly gone off believing their own spin and now - finally - they may "get it".

Again, I keep getting contacted and people want to drag me back to the undertow. I'm watching from a distance, vulture like, to see what I can rescue from the situation as one of the creditors.

A year ago and an interesting review

I looked back at my posts from a year ago. My - life was different then. I was having sleepless nights, wasn't particularly right physically and was wondering about 2007 and what I was going to do.

The year has been great really - soured by recent goings on but other than that to have the clear announcement really is the best thing that could have happened. Sure, getting the insurance money was a bonus too and that just allows us to consolidate everything. Heaven forbid that this comes back - but unfortunately it can - and we have to be ready for that, but at the moment, I've got the all clear. I know a lot of people who would rather have that than the position they are in now.

I think that after a year I have changed. I am not sure I like myself as much now as I feel that I am being more selfish than I ever was in the past. I've always gone out of my way to give my time and help people and I find myself holding back these days and not offering to help as much and taking more of a back seat. I don't like doing it but feel I must. Some of my relationships with friends are being strained - it could be me, work or just that this is the collateral damage I always thought would happen as I turn into a "cancer warrior"? A guy I know who survived cancer welcomed me to the "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" the other day. The survivor's bond is a strange fellowship. Those who haven't had cancer probably wont "get it". A friend who almost died from DVT did get it... I don't suggest you try it unless forced to!!

I still can't quite come to terms with things at the moment. I do feel that now is a major turning point as the business (not mine) crashes down and self destructs around me. Someone suggested teaching - I am looking at becoming a lecturer and I am waiting to hear more about that. I fancy historical and family research to be the thing that I would like to do in the net 10 years. It isn't going to make me rich though but then again, the last venture was going to do that and never did.

You have to kiss a lot of Frogs until you find a Prince!