Tomorrow will be a build up of a series of routines that I commenced when I first started having the treatments and the things I learnt about them. I will be sorting out my music, my Ibuprofen and Paracetamol tablets and getting my note book ready by my bedside. I write down the things that are going on in case I need the notes - or rather anyone else needs them - whilst it is pretty rare you can get anaphylactic shock although, I haven't so far I am very glad to say. Additionally, if I get violent side effects then at least there is a timetable of what has happened so far. If help were ever needed to be summoned there would be a blow by blow account of what I've done, drunk, swallowed, passed etc!
I tend to record all the gory details I'm afraid including what I observe falling out when urinating or as they call it "voiding". Whilst that doesn't sound a particularly pleasant thing to do, I have a system to do that without having to keep a constant eye on proceedings by voiding onto toilet tissue placed there for that purpose. Whether or not this is clinically useful - who knows but it helps to pass the time of day and certainly lets me know that the BCG is working :-)
In a way I'm now going into slightly unknown territory as the last three I had appeared to me to give me more violent reactions than any of the previous ones when I had Bladder Cancer. Of course it may also have been down to the fact that I was working like crazy at the time too. At least that worry is no longer with me and I can take time to recover properly on each treatment.
Hopefully I will sleep properly tonight - I want to be as relaxed as I can be tomorrow and a good night's sleep will certainly help to start that off properly.
So back to the routine, the preparation and ensuring that eventualities are covered.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Build up begins
No matter how many times you go through the treatments and how routine they become there is still the matter that you know they are coming and you know how you are going to feel (or think you do).
Tomorrow I have the first of 3 BCGs and, to tell the truth, I'm not looking forward to it but I know that it is because of that and the early surgeries that I am here to be in a position to not like them. This is the last three of six and I've had my nine week break in between.
I met a few people who were having their BCGs and they were a last resort and that if this treatment failed they were going to "lose their bladders". These days you don't have to have a bag (I learnt all this early on in my diagnosis and first recovery period). They can build a bladder from bits of intestines but for a man the operation is as serious as having a prostate removed as the results can be a loss of function. It was a big worry to them and I can understand that so I temper my feelings about the treatment with the knowledge that I am here and well because of the treatment. For some that isn't such a bad option - the reason? If you don't have a bladder, it is unlikely that you'l get bladder cancer again (if you think about it).
No doubt I'll get back to some of my habits and routines tomorrow. For today - I have a stack of work to do and not much time to do it. I will be distracting myself a bit as well as it doesn't help me to dwell on thinking about this stuff too much.
Tomorrow I have the first of 3 BCGs and, to tell the truth, I'm not looking forward to it but I know that it is because of that and the early surgeries that I am here to be in a position to not like them. This is the last three of six and I've had my nine week break in between.
I met a few people who were having their BCGs and they were a last resort and that if this treatment failed they were going to "lose their bladders". These days you don't have to have a bag (I learnt all this early on in my diagnosis and first recovery period). They can build a bladder from bits of intestines but for a man the operation is as serious as having a prostate removed as the results can be a loss of function. It was a big worry to them and I can understand that so I temper my feelings about the treatment with the knowledge that I am here and well because of the treatment. For some that isn't such a bad option - the reason? If you don't have a bladder, it is unlikely that you'l get bladder cancer again (if you think about it).
No doubt I'll get back to some of my habits and routines tomorrow. For today - I have a stack of work to do and not much time to do it. I will be distracting myself a bit as well as it doesn't help me to dwell on thinking about this stuff too much.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Living with something dangerous
Not the wife! Worse than that :-)
No really, I'm still not sure that it ever sunk in how downright dangerous this all was or how close it all came to being a lot worse than it was. A few cells deeper and that was radical surgery time. A few cells further and that was curtains. Well perhaps not curtains straight away but I think if it had of spread we would be calling last orders within a year or two.
The truth is that I read all the statistics and stuff early on and it was so distressing that I decided that I wasn't going to be one of those statistics and the majority of people you meet online are in a far worse state than you are. It is hardly encouraging stuff but it is a very survivable cancer compared to some of the other ones. Being young probably helped me out as well.
Why think about this now? A friend looks as if he has a nasty one and it isn't going to be easy for him to cope with. He will have to go through a bit more uncomfortable times than I did. As it isn't the same I'm not sure that I can help much but I'm "living" proof that it can be a positive experience and with a good outcome too. Let's hope he takes that on-board.
No really, I'm still not sure that it ever sunk in how downright dangerous this all was or how close it all came to being a lot worse than it was. A few cells deeper and that was radical surgery time. A few cells further and that was curtains. Well perhaps not curtains straight away but I think if it had of spread we would be calling last orders within a year or two.
The truth is that I read all the statistics and stuff early on and it was so distressing that I decided that I wasn't going to be one of those statistics and the majority of people you meet online are in a far worse state than you are. It is hardly encouraging stuff but it is a very survivable cancer compared to some of the other ones. Being young probably helped me out as well.
Why think about this now? A friend looks as if he has a nasty one and it isn't going to be easy for him to cope with. He will have to go through a bit more uncomfortable times than I did. As it isn't the same I'm not sure that I can help much but I'm "living" proof that it can be a positive experience and with a good outcome too. Let's hope he takes that on-board.
That's much better
A good night's sleep and I'm back to my usual self. I need to make sure that I'm not doing that again in a hurry. I suppose that I should be considering getting my fitness levels back. I had no idea that I am still lacking stamina and fitness to such a level. But then again, I still don't know how ill I have been either!
I'm bit worried about it but not overly so, I just need to do something about it and build back gradually. It is just a surprise quite how much has changed in say - the last 2 years.
I'm bit worried about it but not overly so, I just need to do something about it and build back gradually. It is just a surprise quite how much has changed in say - the last 2 years.
Friday, January 25, 2008
A Lot better now
Thank goodness for that - I felt so tired. I had another hour and went to the meeting which, fueled by Adrenaline, meant that I got through that and everything went fine.
I'm back home now and looking forward to going to sleep as soon as my daughter's friend have departed! A nice bunch of youngsters planning their holiday together at the end of their exams.
Well that is the committee meeting over and done with for another year.
I'm back home now and looking forward to going to sleep as soon as my daughter's friend have departed! A nice bunch of youngsters planning their holiday together at the end of their exams.
Well that is the committee meeting over and done with for another year.
Not as young as I used to be
All very well to be up in town and to go out to a number of nice and not so nice places but, oh dear - getting back in the early hours wasn't so good and getting up and getting going again - well - lets put it like this - I've been asleep for a couple of hours this afternoon already and I need to probably go again in a minute and get another hour if I can as I am due out tonight and I feel so tired.
It is just amazing how little stamina I have these days.
It is just amazing how little stamina I have these days.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Enough of the deep and meaningful
I'm going to head out a little early to London so I can have a long walk and see some of the sights and take it easy rather than rushing about to get to places.
I'll enjoy an evening of getting away from it and spending some time with some old friends and laughing about some of the things we got up to and some of the good guys and some of the idiots we encountered too. We have been involved in some "hairy" jobs and deadlines and had all sorts of adventures along the way. More surreal moments have come when during a meeting two of us delivered a calm review of progress that so upset the main contractor that he stormed out of the meeting! As he walked out (and it wasn't me) my mate said "Its a bit early to be leaving. The Pub isn't open and most of your drinking chums haven't arrived into work yet!" What the chap said is not printable on here :-)
On another occasion whilst trying to get the builder to give me a clue where he was going to set out the walls so that I could start to get the services installed, when he refused again, I asked him to build the building from the roof downwards and that way I could project a line down with a plumb rule. He was nodding agreement for at least a minute before it sunk in and no one else could hold a straight face either. I got my setting out points the next day. This was the same guy who called a huge meeting to answer a list of queries we had (although we didn't realise that was what it was for until we got there). On entering the meeting there must have been 15 senior people there - architects, surveyors, engineers, consultants etc. He told the meeting that he had called the meeting to answer our queries. My colleague and I looked at each other in amazement and produced a large letter we had got from the Main Contractor himself answering all of our queries. We produced the letter at the meeting and showed him - he denied he had written it - strange indeed. we had a lot of fun going through the answers and asking everyone if they were happy with the answers we had been given. Most of them agreed that these were the answers they had given to the main contractor! It was only him who didn't acknowledge his own letter to us.
Ah, good days - enough to write a book? Perhaps :-)
I'll enjoy an evening of getting away from it and spending some time with some old friends and laughing about some of the things we got up to and some of the good guys and some of the idiots we encountered too. We have been involved in some "hairy" jobs and deadlines and had all sorts of adventures along the way. More surreal moments have come when during a meeting two of us delivered a calm review of progress that so upset the main contractor that he stormed out of the meeting! As he walked out (and it wasn't me) my mate said "Its a bit early to be leaving. The Pub isn't open and most of your drinking chums haven't arrived into work yet!" What the chap said is not printable on here :-)
On another occasion whilst trying to get the builder to give me a clue where he was going to set out the walls so that I could start to get the services installed, when he refused again, I asked him to build the building from the roof downwards and that way I could project a line down with a plumb rule. He was nodding agreement for at least a minute before it sunk in and no one else could hold a straight face either. I got my setting out points the next day. This was the same guy who called a huge meeting to answer a list of queries we had (although we didn't realise that was what it was for until we got there). On entering the meeting there must have been 15 senior people there - architects, surveyors, engineers, consultants etc. He told the meeting that he had called the meeting to answer our queries. My colleague and I looked at each other in amazement and produced a large letter we had got from the Main Contractor himself answering all of our queries. We produced the letter at the meeting and showed him - he denied he had written it - strange indeed. we had a lot of fun going through the answers and asking everyone if they were happy with the answers we had been given. Most of them agreed that these were the answers they had given to the main contractor! It was only him who didn't acknowledge his own letter to us.
Ah, good days - enough to write a book? Perhaps :-)
A reunion of sorts
Last October we met up and decided that we ought not to be rushing to get home late at night the next time we meet. We all used to work for the same business and where our office was (or maybe still is) they turned it into an Hotel which is pretty ironic as we used to treat it like one when we worked there!
so I will go back and visit a building I haven't stepped foot in since 1980 - wow. I hope my room isn't where my old office used to be :-)
It will be a very nostalgic evening. We had some great times and worked on some massive projects and have remained firm friends ever since.
I am really quite looking forward to seeing if we can remember let alone find some of our old haunts from years past.
It doesn't get more sad than this- trying to relive our youth - except in those days we could drink all night and get an hour or twos sleep and be back working next day. We will probably want to be back in the Hotel by midnight in case any of us change back into Pumpkins!
so I will go back and visit a building I haven't stepped foot in since 1980 - wow. I hope my room isn't where my old office used to be :-)
It will be a very nostalgic evening. We had some great times and worked on some massive projects and have remained firm friends ever since.
I am really quite looking forward to seeing if we can remember let alone find some of our old haunts from years past.
It doesn't get more sad than this- trying to relive our youth - except in those days we could drink all night and get an hour or twos sleep and be back working next day. We will probably want to be back in the Hotel by midnight in case any of us change back into Pumpkins!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Kubler Ross revisited
Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the model for death and bereavement counselling, personal change and trauma.
I've made notes about this before and it is as if I have gone through this once again or actually never got up the final slope and fell back down again.
The stages are:
Denial - Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
Anger - Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
Bargaining - Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Depression - Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
Acceptance - Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.
I see all of these in my writing.
I've made notes about this before and it is as if I have gone through this once again or actually never got up the final slope and fell back down again.
The stages are:
Denial - Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
Anger - Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
Bargaining - Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Depression - Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
Acceptance - Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.
I see all of these in my writing.
The Black Dog
Hasn't been around for a while. The last couple of months haven't been crushingly depressing or emotional to the point of breaking down. It has been very different in terms of how I was affected and what it did to me.
This past few months has been annoying and time wasting where the black dog's visits are disturbing and troubling thoughts and visions and much deeper inside your head than the troubles of the world or actions of a few idiots.
The black dog will make you cry when you weren't expecting it and deliver an unexpected and sad thought into your mind. It will whisper about your disease and make things up; it will torment you and back you into a corner and it gets right at your most intimate fears and twists the knife and doesn't let you go until it wants to. Then it is gone; gone completely until the next time it appears to do its damage to your self confidence and to your dreams.
Until today - I hadn't considered quite how different these were, I thought that the emotions were very similar and yet they aren't at all. I'm sure that the recent ones will go away and I'll be able to laugh about them quite soon. My mate the black dog isn't something you can laugh about or brush off so easily. The black dog is your most pessimistic self somehow magnified several hundred times to bring every fear to its worst possible conclusion. Anyway, he hasn't been around for a while so lets hope he stays away somewhere - or has got hit by a car! :-)
This past few months has been annoying and time wasting where the black dog's visits are disturbing and troubling thoughts and visions and much deeper inside your head than the troubles of the world or actions of a few idiots.
The black dog will make you cry when you weren't expecting it and deliver an unexpected and sad thought into your mind. It will whisper about your disease and make things up; it will torment you and back you into a corner and it gets right at your most intimate fears and twists the knife and doesn't let you go until it wants to. Then it is gone; gone completely until the next time it appears to do its damage to your self confidence and to your dreams.
Until today - I hadn't considered quite how different these were, I thought that the emotions were very similar and yet they aren't at all. I'm sure that the recent ones will go away and I'll be able to laugh about them quite soon. My mate the black dog isn't something you can laugh about or brush off so easily. The black dog is your most pessimistic self somehow magnified several hundred times to bring every fear to its worst possible conclusion. Anyway, he hasn't been around for a while so lets hope he stays away somewhere - or has got hit by a car! :-)
Impacts to health and well-being caused through work
Reflecting on the past 2 months - for it has been that long since the problem came to light, I can see that the impacts on me have been profound. I had been happily working away and doing what I needed to and all was fine until the business (not me) had problems. Since that point in time, I've been angry, very angry, furious, upset and generally pretty damned annoyed with the way that I have been treated.
So what has this done?
Stress - I can actually feel the stress level coming down and my chest isn't as tight as it was
Anger - back under control - I've not been bashing around the house letting off steam or anything - just angry with the situation and thank goodness for this and the other blog as I have been able to rant and let off steam there
Head-games - Loss of sleep, brain whirring and planning and working out all the moves and all the options - it has been a nightmare and how much sleep have I lost as a result?
Physically - I don't think that I have suffered that much apart from the lack of sleep and how slow that makes you. I think that I could now do with getting sorted a bit better physically. I plan to get myself sorted out following the BCGs starting next week.
Overall - tired, irritable and not great fun to be with these past two months and a general depression and malaise were part of the problem too.
Not like I used to be - I'm definitely not like I used to be - in the old days I would have gotten this sorted out quicker and I'd have been far more aggressive. These people had been dealing with me for 6 months or so - all sweetness and light up until the point that things went bad and I was a bit slow in dealing a blow to them immediately. By holding back (as they requested) I've lost about a month in getting things resolved. That for sure is down to me not wanting a harder life and losing a bit of my edge.
The thing is that today I have come out of the shadow I was in a bit and I'm now at the point where I've done everything that I need to sort things out at a business level and I only need to make a few more decisions on that. Everything is in place now. I can go for the throat and bring it all to a head or I can throw it all in the bin and walk away.
Having got to that position - I feel better about myself and in control of the situation again. Whilst I am still thinking about it and contemplating my options - I get the feeling that this now isn't the only thing on my agenda anymore - I have other things to do and I can now get on with those without brooding over this day after day and (frankly) getting nowhere with it.
Impacts? - yes, affecting my health? - yes certain that it has - if not my health then my recovery. at least I am getting out of the rut and getting on and doing other things. Affecting my brain? of course it has, deeply I think, I now no longer care for the industry I have been in for some years, it used to be populated by honourable and decent people - I'm sure there are some still out there but this experience has poisoned that. I thought I wanted to do something should I recover that was different and enjoyable and above all, something I wanted to do on my terms. I have a number of years to go on treatment still and I need a flexible job, I don't really want any stress or having to keep chasing up my money and I don't need (if not me then my family) the instability of these ventures that you work for months at a time only to find they wont pay you.
I finally get to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't the light of an oncoming train! So begins the repair and rebuild phase and I must ensure that I put myself and my health and stability first and build on that.
So what has this done?
Stress - I can actually feel the stress level coming down and my chest isn't as tight as it was
Anger - back under control - I've not been bashing around the house letting off steam or anything - just angry with the situation and thank goodness for this and the other blog as I have been able to rant and let off steam there
Head-games - Loss of sleep, brain whirring and planning and working out all the moves and all the options - it has been a nightmare and how much sleep have I lost as a result?
Physically - I don't think that I have suffered that much apart from the lack of sleep and how slow that makes you. I think that I could now do with getting sorted a bit better physically. I plan to get myself sorted out following the BCGs starting next week.
Overall - tired, irritable and not great fun to be with these past two months and a general depression and malaise were part of the problem too.
Not like I used to be - I'm definitely not like I used to be - in the old days I would have gotten this sorted out quicker and I'd have been far more aggressive. These people had been dealing with me for 6 months or so - all sweetness and light up until the point that things went bad and I was a bit slow in dealing a blow to them immediately. By holding back (as they requested) I've lost about a month in getting things resolved. That for sure is down to me not wanting a harder life and losing a bit of my edge.
The thing is that today I have come out of the shadow I was in a bit and I'm now at the point where I've done everything that I need to sort things out at a business level and I only need to make a few more decisions on that. Everything is in place now. I can go for the throat and bring it all to a head or I can throw it all in the bin and walk away.
Having got to that position - I feel better about myself and in control of the situation again. Whilst I am still thinking about it and contemplating my options - I get the feeling that this now isn't the only thing on my agenda anymore - I have other things to do and I can now get on with those without brooding over this day after day and (frankly) getting nowhere with it.
Impacts? - yes, affecting my health? - yes certain that it has - if not my health then my recovery. at least I am getting out of the rut and getting on and doing other things. Affecting my brain? of course it has, deeply I think, I now no longer care for the industry I have been in for some years, it used to be populated by honourable and decent people - I'm sure there are some still out there but this experience has poisoned that. I thought I wanted to do something should I recover that was different and enjoyable and above all, something I wanted to do on my terms. I have a number of years to go on treatment still and I need a flexible job, I don't really want any stress or having to keep chasing up my money and I don't need (if not me then my family) the instability of these ventures that you work for months at a time only to find they wont pay you.
I finally get to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't the light of an oncoming train! So begins the repair and rebuild phase and I must ensure that I put myself and my health and stability first and build on that.
Solicitors' papers and forms arrive
That is quick. I now have the pack for the next lot of actions. I am waiting to hear what, if any, actions the business are taking now - they have gone very quiet and as I'm almost certain that they have removed me from the mailing lists although not terminated my contract it is all a bit strange at the moment.
I'm going to review the procedures and decide whether to go and pursue them for the money owing. The trouble is, of course, you can spend more time and money than you are actually owed and if they decide to liquidate the business then only a small percentage of the money will be available.
I see that one of the major causes of disease is stress from business HERE. It is surprising - quite why there are so many dishonest and untrustworthy people around. Perhaps it is because they are all selfish b*stards? It is also highly probable that they are allowed to work like this and it is tolerated. I imagine that they would be up in arms about it if it were them.
I'm not feeling as bad about this as I was earlier - now the paper work is here, it is just a matter of deciding whether or not to go down this route. That is strange, I was quite choked about it earlier and now, I feel that it no longer holds the "fear" it did before. I don't feel at all emotionally filled up about it which is good I think. I'm also pretty certain that if these guys defended anything that they would actually just dig themselves a bigger hole. They have a few more weeks to defend the first action I have taken. Perhaps by then their true colours will be found.
So I wondered what impact this has had on my health and I think it has had a significant impact on my well being. I'll explore that in the next blog.
I'm going to review the procedures and decide whether to go and pursue them for the money owing. The trouble is, of course, you can spend more time and money than you are actually owed and if they decide to liquidate the business then only a small percentage of the money will be available.
I see that one of the major causes of disease is stress from business HERE. It is surprising - quite why there are so many dishonest and untrustworthy people around. Perhaps it is because they are all selfish b*stards? It is also highly probable that they are allowed to work like this and it is tolerated. I imagine that they would be up in arms about it if it were them.
I'm not feeling as bad about this as I was earlier - now the paper work is here, it is just a matter of deciding whether or not to go down this route. That is strange, I was quite choked about it earlier and now, I feel that it no longer holds the "fear" it did before. I don't feel at all emotionally filled up about it which is good I think. I'm also pretty certain that if these guys defended anything that they would actually just dig themselves a bigger hole. They have a few more weeks to defend the first action I have taken. Perhaps by then their true colours will be found.
So I wondered what impact this has had on my health and I think it has had a significant impact on my well being. I'll explore that in the next blog.
A good evening out again
It is amazing just how an evening out that you enjoyed buoys you up for the next day. I'm up early and I'm feeling good. I was in great company and we had a thoroughly enjoyable time and got back home at a decent hour too.
So I reckon based on that I need to not watch TV or work late at night on the computer and perhaps I can get to sleep quicker and be more ready for the day afterwards.
Now to see how that translates for the rest of the day.
So I reckon based on that I need to not watch TV or work late at night on the computer and perhaps I can get to sleep quicker and be more ready for the day afterwards.
Now to see how that translates for the rest of the day.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It is beginning to come back
I can feel that I am slowly turning the corner now. I'm still mightily angry about the treatment I received at the hands of the imbeciles last year and I am still not sure that everyone quite gets how badly treated I was and some people close to me are also annoying the hell out of me with their rather monotonous replaying of their point of view of the situation.
Of course they haven't got the disappointment of being shot as the messenger and a loss of most of last year's time and money to contend with I suppose. They are stretching the limits of my patience and I allow them the latitude of a rather spoilt child at the moment because they are friends. I hope the novelty of pointing out my "short comings" wears off soon or there will be more collateral damage to deal with.
The irritant factor then is still there and the anger is more controlled now and more focused. The want to get it out of the way is huge. I know it is holding me back and that is so annoying as well If only I could get it behind me. When I do manage to do this - I get things done, I move on and I feel better.
Having said that, I am feeling a little lighter and getting a few more things done and beginning to be less lethargic. Today I can feel that things are just beginning to move quicker, that I am getting on with my work and beginning to tackle the list of things that I have set myself to do.
I want things to be like a light switch - on or off and I should have learnt by now that it just doesn't happen like that. Last year I tried too hard to change things and get a quick payback. Of course change tends to happen gradually and I can't expect to be depressed one day and next day Mr. Successful and Mr. Cheerful and Happy! It would be nice for that to have happened of course but it isn't and it is still going to be the same tomorrow and perhaps it may just fade away over a period of time?
Someone said that hard work and taking your mind of it works - well actually it doesn't seem to. I can imagine that the distraction does a certain amount to take your mind off it but you do have to get past the initial hurdle in the first place. Just how do you get started or psyche yourself up for another go. There are only so many times you can dust yourself off, pick yourself up and get going again. I'm no quitter but it does seem to be that there is a build up of past disappointments and events that sit you at the bottom of your rut and each time you get up knock you straight back down there again. I feel like I am in a Hamster Wheel - I'm running like fury and not really getting anywhere fast at the moment. I don't feel like sticking a stick into the wheel either quite yet :-)
Anyway, getting there slowly and far too slowly for my liking. I suppose it is an inertia thing, once you get going you can build up some speed and then it gets easier. The difficult bit is getting going and not having traction control to assist me!
Of course they haven't got the disappointment of being shot as the messenger and a loss of most of last year's time and money to contend with I suppose. They are stretching the limits of my patience and I allow them the latitude of a rather spoilt child at the moment because they are friends. I hope the novelty of pointing out my "short comings" wears off soon or there will be more collateral damage to deal with.
The irritant factor then is still there and the anger is more controlled now and more focused. The want to get it out of the way is huge. I know it is holding me back and that is so annoying as well If only I could get it behind me. When I do manage to do this - I get things done, I move on and I feel better.
Having said that, I am feeling a little lighter and getting a few more things done and beginning to be less lethargic. Today I can feel that things are just beginning to move quicker, that I am getting on with my work and beginning to tackle the list of things that I have set myself to do.
I want things to be like a light switch - on or off and I should have learnt by now that it just doesn't happen like that. Last year I tried too hard to change things and get a quick payback. Of course change tends to happen gradually and I can't expect to be depressed one day and next day Mr. Successful and Mr. Cheerful and Happy! It would be nice for that to have happened of course but it isn't and it is still going to be the same tomorrow and perhaps it may just fade away over a period of time?
Someone said that hard work and taking your mind of it works - well actually it doesn't seem to. I can imagine that the distraction does a certain amount to take your mind off it but you do have to get past the initial hurdle in the first place. Just how do you get started or psyche yourself up for another go. There are only so many times you can dust yourself off, pick yourself up and get going again. I'm no quitter but it does seem to be that there is a build up of past disappointments and events that sit you at the bottom of your rut and each time you get up knock you straight back down there again. I feel like I am in a Hamster Wheel - I'm running like fury and not really getting anywhere fast at the moment. I don't feel like sticking a stick into the wheel either quite yet :-)
Anyway, getting there slowly and far too slowly for my liking. I suppose it is an inertia thing, once you get going you can build up some speed and then it gets easier. The difficult bit is getting going and not having traction control to assist me!
Monday, January 21, 2008
How to change without upsetting the troops
It is a strange thing to say I complain in one way that I want to change but really lack the enthusiasm currently to do so. It may be a lack of will power but then it is also a pretty selfish thing to do as well as it means that either you go off and do your own thing or you make everyone else come along and share your dream or goal with you.
I am perhaps now wrestling with this balance thing. Much as I did last year flitting in a binary fashion between one fad and another and recognizing too late the damage (potentially) I was doing to myself in an effort to get back to full heath (I know - the Irony of it all!!).
I realise now that you make great plans because you have something to aim at and it keeps you going or it is something to strive towards. Suddenly, reality bites. I can't just go off and do some of these things without destroying who I am, what I stand for and my friendships and my family and so on. To go off and blow the cash or tour the canals in a narrow boat or sail the oceans isn't actually what I truly want to do (apart from the canal boat that is). :-)
I have duties and responsibilities to my family and to my children and that is an anchor pulling me back to the truth. Sure - if I had come off second best to this, they would have had to get on without me - I'm sure the insurance money from that event would have made it quite a comfortable experience :-) the fact is I am here, not a lot different to the way I was before and whilst there is a certain "difference" in me it isn't anywhere near as pronounced or as acute as I think it probably is. There are a few exceptions to this rule of course but generally I am the same with perhaps a bit more "insight" or maybe being a bit more "philosophical" than I used to be.
I think today I begin to really understand that whilst I now expect so much more out of life, it isn't going to be something overnight, it isn't going to be something drastic, t isn't going to involve some major act of human endeavour - no - it is going to be a slow and thought through series of acts and measures that will change things but gradually and without upheaval or upsetting anyone else in the process. Frankly we have all been upset enough these past few years!
I am perhaps now wrestling with this balance thing. Much as I did last year flitting in a binary fashion between one fad and another and recognizing too late the damage (potentially) I was doing to myself in an effort to get back to full heath (I know - the Irony of it all!!).
I realise now that you make great plans because you have something to aim at and it keeps you going or it is something to strive towards. Suddenly, reality bites. I can't just go off and do some of these things without destroying who I am, what I stand for and my friendships and my family and so on. To go off and blow the cash or tour the canals in a narrow boat or sail the oceans isn't actually what I truly want to do (apart from the canal boat that is). :-)
I have duties and responsibilities to my family and to my children and that is an anchor pulling me back to the truth. Sure - if I had come off second best to this, they would have had to get on without me - I'm sure the insurance money from that event would have made it quite a comfortable experience :-) the fact is I am here, not a lot different to the way I was before and whilst there is a certain "difference" in me it isn't anywhere near as pronounced or as acute as I think it probably is. There are a few exceptions to this rule of course but generally I am the same with perhaps a bit more "insight" or maybe being a bit more "philosophical" than I used to be.
I think today I begin to really understand that whilst I now expect so much more out of life, it isn't going to be something overnight, it isn't going to be something drastic, t isn't going to involve some major act of human endeavour - no - it is going to be a slow and thought through series of acts and measures that will change things but gradually and without upheaval or upsetting anyone else in the process. Frankly we have all been upset enough these past few years!
Getting out of the doldrums
It is exactly how it feels at the moment. I've not been making much headway at all. I just seem to be stuck with the wreckage of the old strewn around me and the embryo of the new growing a little too slowly for my liking and feeling positively far off in the distance.
The need to get closure and to finally walk away is as strong as ever and yet, it still haunts me. It clouds the decisions I need to make and it claws at my back as I try to move forwards.
This week should be a good one for me as I am going out a fair bit and perhaps I can have a bit of a purge the devil with some old friends of mine on Thursday evening. We are staying at a Hotel in town so may perhaps do some serious drinking and talking - although whether the talking will improve with the drinking may be a moot point!
It is a strange time for me at the moment as I can quite clearly see what I want to do and where I want to go. What I cannot seem to do is break free and get out of the sloth like rut I am in.
I'm not quite sure whether it is some sort of side effect as I really haven't been like this before I got BC and so I am quite annoyed with myself that I am not making good use of my time or gaining full benefit from being without cancer. I thought that I would be up for anything, adventurous, find the inner me and all that stuff so stereotypical of soaps and slush films. Nope! I cannot get the enthusiasm for it at all.
It may seem silly, it may even seem a strange thing to say but I cannot seem to make the effort to get up and enjoy myself and I know I should be leaping about and all excited and doing things I promised myself I'd do if I recovered and what is annoying is this malaise - almost an anticlimactic response to the whole thing.
I intend to do something about it and it isn't just one thing, I believe it is a combination of expectations not met, people who have let me down or perhaps not met my high expectations of them, work, how I feel about myself and others and a whole batch of other stuff too.
I also need to make sure that I haven't become someone I hate. I'm not certain I like my new been there done that me much either.
Well - that was an interesting blog - that took me along way further than I thought it would :-) Gosh - what a lot of trouble and all post traumatic stuff I have no doubt.
I tend to consider that perhaps people aren't making it up when they get PTS.
The need to get closure and to finally walk away is as strong as ever and yet, it still haunts me. It clouds the decisions I need to make and it claws at my back as I try to move forwards.
This week should be a good one for me as I am going out a fair bit and perhaps I can have a bit of a purge the devil with some old friends of mine on Thursday evening. We are staying at a Hotel in town so may perhaps do some serious drinking and talking - although whether the talking will improve with the drinking may be a moot point!
It is a strange time for me at the moment as I can quite clearly see what I want to do and where I want to go. What I cannot seem to do is break free and get out of the sloth like rut I am in.
I'm not quite sure whether it is some sort of side effect as I really haven't been like this before I got BC and so I am quite annoyed with myself that I am not making good use of my time or gaining full benefit from being without cancer. I thought that I would be up for anything, adventurous, find the inner me and all that stuff so stereotypical of soaps and slush films. Nope! I cannot get the enthusiasm for it at all.
It may seem silly, it may even seem a strange thing to say but I cannot seem to make the effort to get up and enjoy myself and I know I should be leaping about and all excited and doing things I promised myself I'd do if I recovered and what is annoying is this malaise - almost an anticlimactic response to the whole thing.
I intend to do something about it and it isn't just one thing, I believe it is a combination of expectations not met, people who have let me down or perhaps not met my high expectations of them, work, how I feel about myself and others and a whole batch of other stuff too.
I also need to make sure that I haven't become someone I hate. I'm not certain I like my new been there done that me much either.
Well - that was an interesting blog - that took me along way further than I thought it would :-) Gosh - what a lot of trouble and all post traumatic stuff I have no doubt.
I tend to consider that perhaps people aren't making it up when they get PTS.
Phase 2 kicks in
I signed up today with a solicitor who specialises in debt recovery and so phase 2 should be ready for me in a few days time. ACAS (arbitration) were also on to me today - I was happy to go down that route. I explained the details that I had to hand and for them to let me know what they wanted in this respect.
I feel things are moving and I'm feeling OK about this now. I have convinced myself that it isn't "me" and that the stuff I have is correct and that it will stand up in court, in tribunal or in arbitration.
Now to see which way the business will jump. As with all these things, I know that this may not be successful but it may close it down for me sooner rather than later. If it forces them to close down so be it. If it means that I get paid and that I get some compensation for working for them last year for nothing! Then again it is worth it.
I'm gradually getting this Monkey off of my back. The trouble is it is going to do some serious damage to a lot of people whatever happens - there is no way that can stop.
I feel things are moving and I'm feeling OK about this now. I have convinced myself that it isn't "me" and that the stuff I have is correct and that it will stand up in court, in tribunal or in arbitration.
Now to see which way the business will jump. As with all these things, I know that this may not be successful but it may close it down for me sooner rather than later. If it forces them to close down so be it. If it means that I get paid and that I get some compensation for working for them last year for nothing! Then again it is worth it.
I'm gradually getting this Monkey off of my back. The trouble is it is going to do some serious damage to a lot of people whatever happens - there is no way that can stop.
The year of getting better
A week today I go back for treatment and whilst I can't say I am looking forward to it greatly, I understand why I am having it. The way that it worked last year meant that I didn't really get to rest on the second day like I really should have done and this time, I am going to try and make an effort to take my time to recover properly.
There are some obvious issues with having the treatment again. These are that you do feel rough for a day and a bit but also you tend to bleed a bit too and that really is quite disconcerting as it rewinds you right back to those early days and the early signs of the disease. It brings back those memories and the (dare I say) uncomfort/pain of that time far off in 2006.
I'm quite busy over the next few weeks and that in itself will keep my mind off the treatment a bit but will also focus my mind on the task in hand - that of setting up my new business - or rather - deciding whether I should set it up and run with it. Typically I went to look up for a University Course that I learnt about on Saturday and the closing date for applications was - you guessed it - Saturday :-) Such is my luck - I will have to wait until later this year to see if I can get a place or perhaps see if there are other courses worth doing.
There are some obvious issues with having the treatment again. These are that you do feel rough for a day and a bit but also you tend to bleed a bit too and that really is quite disconcerting as it rewinds you right back to those early days and the early signs of the disease. It brings back those memories and the (dare I say) uncomfort/pain of that time far off in 2006.
I'm quite busy over the next few weeks and that in itself will keep my mind off the treatment a bit but will also focus my mind on the task in hand - that of setting up my new business - or rather - deciding whether I should set it up and run with it. Typically I went to look up for a University Course that I learnt about on Saturday and the closing date for applications was - you guessed it - Saturday :-) Such is my luck - I will have to wait until later this year to see if I can get a place or perhaps see if there are other courses worth doing.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Uplifting
Well it was a good day out yesterday. I am the same with most things these days - once I actually get going I am OK - it is getting the enthusiasm to get going that is difficult.
The evening before with a very nice few beers and a curry and 8 of us out for the evening was great and I was up nice and early to get over to Essex for the event.
I arrived in plenty of time and took myself off to Barking High Street. The Cafe I popped into had a "Hale & Hearty" breakfast on the menu which looked just the ticket. So I had a mug of tea and a breakfast that, when it arrived, could have fed a small family for a week! I struggled to finish it off but I eventually managed it. I thought that it was a good thing I hadn't asked for toast or bread with it :-) Phew.
It was a nice walk and I needed the walk back to the school where the AGM and Fair was taking place. I met up with 5 other members of the family which was great and we had a good day out enjoying the talks and the stands. I picked up lots of stuff that I can use to research becoming a researcher!
So I had a great day out and enjoyed myself a lot and now all I have to do is look through the mile of stuff I brought back with me and evaluate it all.
The evening before with a very nice few beers and a curry and 8 of us out for the evening was great and I was up nice and early to get over to Essex for the event.
I arrived in plenty of time and took myself off to Barking High Street. The Cafe I popped into had a "Hale & Hearty" breakfast on the menu which looked just the ticket. So I had a mug of tea and a breakfast that, when it arrived, could have fed a small family for a week! I struggled to finish it off but I eventually managed it. I thought that it was a good thing I hadn't asked for toast or bread with it :-) Phew.
It was a nice walk and I needed the walk back to the school where the AGM and Fair was taking place. I met up with 5 other members of the family which was great and we had a good day out enjoying the talks and the stands. I picked up lots of stuff that I can use to research becoming a researcher!
So I had a great day out and enjoyed myself a lot and now all I have to do is look through the mile of stuff I brought back with me and evaluate it all.
Off out for a ruby
Ruby Murray (Curry). well I've got to get into the Cockney Rhyming slang for tomorrow as it is the East Of London Family History Society AGM :-)
It was an absolute nightmare growing up with my dad who was always coming out with rhyming names for things. Duke of York - Fork, Apples and Pears - Stairs and so on.
Anyway - off for a curry with 7 more mates and I am really looking forward to it. I have finally stated to feel a lot better in myself and tonight and tomorrow are things that I have been looking forward to.
So I'm off to the rub-a-dub for a few pints of beer and a ruby! I'm not sure if it will cost e a Monkey or a Pony (I can't remember what they are in monetary terms)- nuff said!
It was an absolute nightmare growing up with my dad who was always coming out with rhyming names for things. Duke of York - Fork, Apples and Pears - Stairs and so on.
Anyway - off for a curry with 7 more mates and I am really looking forward to it. I have finally stated to feel a lot better in myself and tonight and tomorrow are things that I have been looking forward to.
So I'm off to the rub-a-dub for a few pints of beer and a ruby! I'm not sure if it will cost e a Monkey or a Pony (I can't remember what they are in monetary terms)- nuff said!
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