On my last post there is a comment from Anne you can find it here. It is very interesting to me as it actually has made me stop and now think differently about a situation so thanks Anne.
Whilst I do tend to do 360 Degree stuff at work and when I am planning things I didn't apply it to this blog or my situation. Which is strange but then I use different techniques at work and when I am just living :-)
For example, I'd be looking at stakeholder mapping and how people will react to change as part of a major project or program plan but at home, much as I'd like to apply project management principles to my home life, that just doesn't happen. The nearest we get is running a family diary and notice board in the kitchen - even then it is fallible and could you imagine me holding the family progress meeting once a week. Producing an agenda and minutes and actions plans "So, Mrs. F. How have you progressed with the transportation and logistics issues we discussed last week?" "Do you mean did I get the children to school, get the shopping, tax the car and fill yours with petrol? The answers is yes!" - I'd deserve that :-)
So what I might want to do is to apply a little thought to how other people are dealing with me rather than how I think I am affecting other people and turn the question on its head and also the approach to rationalising it.
I'm rather pleased that Anne put it in a question that I had considered and discarded. I'm off to go and give this some serious thought and will put out my thoughts and ramblings when I've done that. It always surprises me that when I'm at work I can come up with these questions and when I act as a Consultant I'm able to take all these different views and yet somehow, because it is me, my family and my situation, I am not able to. The answer of course is that I cannot be detached from my own thoughts, and who I am. In business, it is what I do..
I feel like a weight has gone off of my mind for a while - maybe I've found something that I don't need to beat myself up about? I'm very good at doing that.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Monday, February 02, 2009
Not a lot changes
I went and looked at 2007 February posts - they were a bit more oblique then as I couldn't say much and the blog was anonymous at the time. The reason? Well I was going through the redundancy and I didn't want that to be googled and at that time I was also going through the Insurance Claim and just trying to sort it all out.
It was only 7 months in and having been well and truly knocked about by then and after having the first 6 treatments which were no holiday either a lot of things were setting in. I was in a right state back then.
I am nowhere near as low and depressed as I was then - my goodness, when I look back and see it now, I was going through all sorts of problems and they weren't easy to rationalise at all.
There was a lot of oblique references and I was having all sorts of troubles with understanding what my mind and body were doing to me.
I wonder how other people seem to just cope with this or whether they really have the issues I experience?
I was interested that Mrs F reckons that I (she used we) have changed a lot. I can't see that anyone else has changed that much. Me - I'm larger "than life" than I was before, more empathetic and more tolerant and in some ways - more so at work - a non panicker, if there is such a person? Perhaps a bit more assertive - which can be a bit of a character fault I think, I do try not to be like that but occasionally I get on my box and give it some. In other ways I am more emotional - more likely to get upset at things that before never troubled me - for goodness sake don't show me Bambi's mother dying - you get the picture? In other ways I'm fragile too. I don't take well to bad news and set backs or to being ill at all.
I'm not so sure everyone else has changed. They may have adapted, they may even like the new me, I think the family do as I am rarely angry these days and I am affable, helpful and that is a different me. I don't see much to have changed them other than they aren't on their guard and things are more fun in the house.
I'm not certain that everything has panned out yet. I think that it will take me a while now to reconcile work, ongoing treatment (the acceptance of being treated long term) and my business and personal life need to settle down properly. I have always mentioned that I feel there will be collateral damage here and it is a feeling that I am going to do something really stupid that ends a friendship, starts of a feud or breaks apart a relationship which plays on my mind. I feel it more than know it, I believe that there is some sort of pay back for getting my health back again?
If that sounds strange - it goes back to those early days and how at each stage you "think" things will unfold. You do the scenarios in your head, the "what ifs" and you play each one. The worst case scenario would have probably meant that this blog would have finished about 6 months ago and be left online as a sign of how it could end. Alongside that scenario were many things about my family and friends, what I'd do, my legacy if you will.
Then there were other scenarios, leading up to the one I am in now which includes the phrase: "So you've got your life back, no more treatment, just observations, your health is in control - what are you gong to do with this new birth, this new life you just got given to you?"
When I answer that one, there are many outcomes to the question, many roads and many consequences of the actions that I could take. In reality, they are the questions and the scenarios I play out that do keep me awake at night and make me think long and hard about consequences not just for me but for everyone. Me, I want to just go off and let off steam for a while and celebrate and enjoy myself, not have to work too much and catch up on loads of things I missed when I was working hard, long hours, away from home and having little home or social life.
The collateral damage may be that it is too much of a change for me or for other people to live with. The flip side is that I may not want them to live with it myself and that really does worry me that in my mind I can see myself being quite that rebellious or uncaring about people but I'm wondering after all these years whether I should be more selfish than I am? If I am to do that, then I wonder how far would I go in concentrating on me? Can you really celebrate your well being at a given time every day? Are you allowed to be happy once a week? If no one is prepared to let you be yourself (your new self) then perhaps you have to go and be your new self somewhere else?
When I said not a lot changes - I'd say after I got the first good signs and realised that I'd probably survive this, these thoughts started to rumble through my mind. They are more structured now and grow so each day.
I fully expect that something will trigger off events that is totally out of my control. Some event at work, home, social etc that will then make the decision for me and one of the scenarios in my head will start to play itself out. I can't predict the future nor can I change the path but I wish I could stop my brain working and permutating each and every move as it may never happen :-)
It was only 7 months in and having been well and truly knocked about by then and after having the first 6 treatments which were no holiday either a lot of things were setting in. I was in a right state back then.
I am nowhere near as low and depressed as I was then - my goodness, when I look back and see it now, I was going through all sorts of problems and they weren't easy to rationalise at all.
There was a lot of oblique references and I was having all sorts of troubles with understanding what my mind and body were doing to me.
I wonder how other people seem to just cope with this or whether they really have the issues I experience?
I was interested that Mrs F reckons that I (she used we) have changed a lot. I can't see that anyone else has changed that much. Me - I'm larger "than life" than I was before, more empathetic and more tolerant and in some ways - more so at work - a non panicker, if there is such a person? Perhaps a bit more assertive - which can be a bit of a character fault I think, I do try not to be like that but occasionally I get on my box and give it some. In other ways I am more emotional - more likely to get upset at things that before never troubled me - for goodness sake don't show me Bambi's mother dying - you get the picture? In other ways I'm fragile too. I don't take well to bad news and set backs or to being ill at all.
I'm not so sure everyone else has changed. They may have adapted, they may even like the new me, I think the family do as I am rarely angry these days and I am affable, helpful and that is a different me. I don't see much to have changed them other than they aren't on their guard and things are more fun in the house.
I'm not certain that everything has panned out yet. I think that it will take me a while now to reconcile work, ongoing treatment (the acceptance of being treated long term) and my business and personal life need to settle down properly. I have always mentioned that I feel there will be collateral damage here and it is a feeling that I am going to do something really stupid that ends a friendship, starts of a feud or breaks apart a relationship which plays on my mind. I feel it more than know it, I believe that there is some sort of pay back for getting my health back again?
If that sounds strange - it goes back to those early days and how at each stage you "think" things will unfold. You do the scenarios in your head, the "what ifs" and you play each one. The worst case scenario would have probably meant that this blog would have finished about 6 months ago and be left online as a sign of how it could end. Alongside that scenario were many things about my family and friends, what I'd do, my legacy if you will.
Then there were other scenarios, leading up to the one I am in now which includes the phrase: "So you've got your life back, no more treatment, just observations, your health is in control - what are you gong to do with this new birth, this new life you just got given to you?"
When I answer that one, there are many outcomes to the question, many roads and many consequences of the actions that I could take. In reality, they are the questions and the scenarios I play out that do keep me awake at night and make me think long and hard about consequences not just for me but for everyone. Me, I want to just go off and let off steam for a while and celebrate and enjoy myself, not have to work too much and catch up on loads of things I missed when I was working hard, long hours, away from home and having little home or social life.
The collateral damage may be that it is too much of a change for me or for other people to live with. The flip side is that I may not want them to live with it myself and that really does worry me that in my mind I can see myself being quite that rebellious or uncaring about people but I'm wondering after all these years whether I should be more selfish than I am? If I am to do that, then I wonder how far would I go in concentrating on me? Can you really celebrate your well being at a given time every day? Are you allowed to be happy once a week? If no one is prepared to let you be yourself (your new self) then perhaps you have to go and be your new self somewhere else?
When I said not a lot changes - I'd say after I got the first good signs and realised that I'd probably survive this, these thoughts started to rumble through my mind. They are more structured now and grow so each day.
I fully expect that something will trigger off events that is totally out of my control. Some event at work, home, social etc that will then make the decision for me and one of the scenarios in my head will start to play itself out. I can't predict the future nor can I change the path but I wish I could stop my brain working and permutating each and every move as it may never happen :-)
A look back to April 2007
My goodness I went through a load of trouble then, blood pressure, possible diabetes, exercise, no salt, dietary changes and redundancy from my old company and the introduction to the dick heads I worked with after that for a while.
Life really was a roller coaster of a ride, changing hourly almost some days, tortured by the black dog, staring at a less than certain future both health and career wise.
The mind has a great way of forgetting that sort of thing and what I like about the blog is the ability to rewind and go and look and then say to yourself, it isn't so bad at the moment.
Of course, I still hate being a victim of BC and being weakened by it and the treatment and now this cold and my ears still aren't working properly! I wonder if I have done some serious damage or whether it still needs to clear. Many people I know who had this before Christmas say they are still suffering from it :-( It doesn't sound good at all.
I need to remind myself I am improving, I need to remind myself that I have very little pressure in my job, social and academic life anymore and I just need to concentrate on getting well, doing what I do well at work and elsewhere and relaxing, removing the stress and pressure I put on myself and just get well.
It's easy to keep gong back into "the victim" role and it is too easy to be overly reflective and inward thinking and so a gradual break away from that must start to happen.
Life really was a roller coaster of a ride, changing hourly almost some days, tortured by the black dog, staring at a less than certain future both health and career wise.
The mind has a great way of forgetting that sort of thing and what I like about the blog is the ability to rewind and go and look and then say to yourself, it isn't so bad at the moment.
Of course, I still hate being a victim of BC and being weakened by it and the treatment and now this cold and my ears still aren't working properly! I wonder if I have done some serious damage or whether it still needs to clear. Many people I know who had this before Christmas say they are still suffering from it :-( It doesn't sound good at all.
I need to remind myself I am improving, I need to remind myself that I have very little pressure in my job, social and academic life anymore and I just need to concentrate on getting well, doing what I do well at work and elsewhere and relaxing, removing the stress and pressure I put on myself and just get well.
It's easy to keep gong back into "the victim" role and it is too easy to be overly reflective and inward thinking and so a gradual break away from that must start to happen.
We would like to inform you that
The UK is officially closed until further notice - with a further 4 to 6" of snow on the way, no transport running and snow like we haven't seen for 18 - 20 years or more, we might as well just shut up shop until it thaws out :-)
If you wanted to pick a more inappropriate day to
Go back to work then today would be it. It started snowing around 5pm yesterday and hasn't stopped ever since. As is usual in the UK, no one was ready for it despite being told at least 5 days in advance. The trains aren't running, airports are closed, cars wont start, roads are blocked, schools are closed and so on.
There was a good chance that I would have gone in today but getting myself chilled to the bone to struggle into work would be rather stupid. L is happy as she is with her friends having a massive snowball fight by the sounds of it and A gets a day to do her mini project in support of her University entrance. She has been doing some strange photography in the garden mainly involving time lapse photos and shaking snow off of tress and other items? Don't ask me whilst I might be thought of as creative, I don't have the "eye" for a good photograph. I do OK but A can take a similar shot to me and it will be much better, have a centre of attention, good focus etc.
So - I doubt that tomorrow will see a major improvement in the transport system so perhaps I might finally make an appearance on Wednesday. If I do that I have an evening meeting here that will mean I'd better do a half day.
At least I may be able to do Thursday and Friday this time.
There was a good chance that I would have gone in today but getting myself chilled to the bone to struggle into work would be rather stupid. L is happy as she is with her friends having a massive snowball fight by the sounds of it and A gets a day to do her mini project in support of her University entrance. She has been doing some strange photography in the garden mainly involving time lapse photos and shaking snow off of tress and other items? Don't ask me whilst I might be thought of as creative, I don't have the "eye" for a good photograph. I do OK but A can take a similar shot to me and it will be much better, have a centre of attention, good focus etc.
So - I doubt that tomorrow will see a major improvement in the transport system so perhaps I might finally make an appearance on Wednesday. If I do that I have an evening meeting here that will mean I'd better do a half day.
At least I may be able to do Thursday and Friday this time.
Interesting
L is off for a month on her World Challenge later this year to Argentina. A has booked to go to Italy for a couple of weeks.
GULP - that means Mrs F and I will need to actually talk to each other and probably go on holiday together too!!
I'm all for a few weeks in a quiet pool side hot location - I think Mrs F. fancies a wander around the Baltic or some such "activity" holiday.
I guess it is going to be a case of Love, Honour and Negotiate!!
GULP - that means Mrs F and I will need to actually talk to each other and probably go on holiday together too!!
I'm all for a few weeks in a quiet pool side hot location - I think Mrs F. fancies a wander around the Baltic or some such "activity" holiday.
I guess it is going to be a case of Love, Honour and Negotiate!!
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Day interrupted
Why organise something if you can't actually cook! My Sister In Law, decided to have her mums 80th birthday party this Sunday despite us trying to arrange it sometime later in March when everyone could get there! I had a day interpreted by phone calls about how to cook various things but eventually I dispatched A, L & Mrs F. to go sort it out and I arrived with lots more bits (ingredients that had been forgotten) a little later, In fact WE cooked the meal, I carved and A & L served!!! Which was what we were going to do when I had originally planned to do it here.
You may gather from this that I can actually cook a bit! My Grandfather was (I believe) something of a Master Chef or similar and my Dad is pretty handy too. Again, with me, it's like my painting, I don't do enough of it to be really good at it but I can whip up a pretty good meal.
Anyway it was an OK day and as long as you can laugh at your insane Sister In Law - and we can, then it is OK. I had a few beers, the food was good and there was cake, banoffee pie and trifle if you wanted it too. I was absolutely stuffed when I came back. I liked the comment that they thought I looked well and that I had lost weight since they last saw me on Boxing Day. I'm not surprised I lost weight as I almost lived on soup for two weeks when i was really bad.
So, that disrupted the work I was planning on doing this morning. Blow me, when I got there my ears played up again and I was partially deaf again. It really is that in between state when you get great hearing followed by this sort of dull noise. I now have about 100 envelopes to stuff and get posted. I'll see what the snow is like tomorrow - I might venture up to the Post Office to get them all posted.
We got home before the snow came which looks to be a good 4 to 6" worth at the moment and more is predicted. needless to say, I will not be going to work tomorrow. Many is the time I have walked 30 minutes to the Station and then stood hanging around for 30 or more minutes waiting for a train etc. With my level of fitness I very much doubt that my body would be up for that sort of shock treatment.
You may gather from this that I can actually cook a bit! My Grandfather was (I believe) something of a Master Chef or similar and my Dad is pretty handy too. Again, with me, it's like my painting, I don't do enough of it to be really good at it but I can whip up a pretty good meal.
Anyway it was an OK day and as long as you can laugh at your insane Sister In Law - and we can, then it is OK. I had a few beers, the food was good and there was cake, banoffee pie and trifle if you wanted it too. I was absolutely stuffed when I came back. I liked the comment that they thought I looked well and that I had lost weight since they last saw me on Boxing Day. I'm not surprised I lost weight as I almost lived on soup for two weeks when i was really bad.
So, that disrupted the work I was planning on doing this morning. Blow me, when I got there my ears played up again and I was partially deaf again. It really is that in between state when you get great hearing followed by this sort of dull noise. I now have about 100 envelopes to stuff and get posted. I'll see what the snow is like tomorrow - I might venture up to the Post Office to get them all posted.
We got home before the snow came which looks to be a good 4 to 6" worth at the moment and more is predicted. needless to say, I will not be going to work tomorrow. Many is the time I have walked 30 minutes to the Station and then stood hanging around for 30 or more minutes waiting for a train etc. With my level of fitness I very much doubt that my body would be up for that sort of shock treatment.
Neither one thing or the other
I had the same thing yesterday as I've had for a few days now which is my hearing returns after a quick blow on my nose in the morning although it seems fine without that this morning but it fades away as the day goes on becoming worse especially mid to late evening.
I've still got the occasional cough and sneeze and I suppose that it is the final throes of the original cold and also clearing out the muck in my head.
It's a sort of no-mans land stuck between being ill and back to normal. I'm trying to balance whether I go to work on Monday given that we are probably going to have winds blowing in off of Siberia and Snow. My ear aches now, heaven knows what a blast of cold air would add to the experience. Much as I'm loathe to do it, I think another day or so is best to settle things down and then, perhaps, go back part time until I feel up to it.
Knowing that this country almost halts when a single flake of snow or even the "wrong sort of snow" arrives, I could place a good bet on the trains being frozen to their points, the roads gridlocked and me freezing on an open platform after my mile and a bit walk there. To say nothing of slipping and sliding my way to work when I am slightly dizzy from my ear problem anyway. It really is a no brainer.
I'm convinced that I am fit and healthy and can climb Mount Everest (which I can after a number of Beers anyway of course!) when I should be realising I cannot. I actually don't realise I can't do it until I have overdone it and isn't that always the way? I shall listen to my little voice in my head who tells me that "That isn't a good idea!" :-) I should also start acknowledging that it isn't necessary to be there tomorrow - why risk it? What's the worst that can happen by not being there? Easy to say and type all these things but if you are anything like me, you don't want to let anyone down and you want to do your bit and all that good stuff yet, like me, you'd probably give someone a bit of grief if they struggled into work in the condition I am in at the moment! :-)
Other than this - I find that I am feeling kind of OK. I'm not great but I am certainly no where near as bad as I was a week or even two weeks ago!
If I don't go in, I'll have only lost some money for the day. I reckon if I try and struggle in I'd probably be off work for longer.
I've still got the occasional cough and sneeze and I suppose that it is the final throes of the original cold and also clearing out the muck in my head.
It's a sort of no-mans land stuck between being ill and back to normal. I'm trying to balance whether I go to work on Monday given that we are probably going to have winds blowing in off of Siberia and Snow. My ear aches now, heaven knows what a blast of cold air would add to the experience. Much as I'm loathe to do it, I think another day or so is best to settle things down and then, perhaps, go back part time until I feel up to it.
Knowing that this country almost halts when a single flake of snow or even the "wrong sort of snow" arrives, I could place a good bet on the trains being frozen to their points, the roads gridlocked and me freezing on an open platform after my mile and a bit walk there. To say nothing of slipping and sliding my way to work when I am slightly dizzy from my ear problem anyway. It really is a no brainer.
I'm convinced that I am fit and healthy and can climb Mount Everest (which I can after a number of Beers anyway of course!) when I should be realising I cannot. I actually don't realise I can't do it until I have overdone it and isn't that always the way? I shall listen to my little voice in my head who tells me that "That isn't a good idea!" :-) I should also start acknowledging that it isn't necessary to be there tomorrow - why risk it? What's the worst that can happen by not being there? Easy to say and type all these things but if you are anything like me, you don't want to let anyone down and you want to do your bit and all that good stuff yet, like me, you'd probably give someone a bit of grief if they struggled into work in the condition I am in at the moment! :-)
Other than this - I find that I am feeling kind of OK. I'm not great but I am certainly no where near as bad as I was a week or even two weeks ago!
If I don't go in, I'll have only lost some money for the day. I reckon if I try and struggle in I'd probably be off work for longer.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Saturday working
Well the committee meeting needs documenting and the paperwork needs sorting out, envelopes need filling and addressing and today is just one endless stream of administration work. I still have partial hearing although I can feel it getting ready to come back to normal - it really is a nuisance as it comes and goes, pops and clicks!
I was talking to someone tonight who is a fellow sufferer and he has finished his treatment but had the 10-12 year cycle and is nice and clear and has been for years. We had a laugh as I was so ill when I sent out the notices that I forgot two of the committee members. It is a bit like a number of other basic errors I made on the Lodge documents. Luckily having reread these I've picked up on them.
Typical to go deaf just as the meeting got going - just what I didn't need really but there you go.
Anyway, as committee meetings go it was a difficult one to run as there was a lot to get through and stuff that needed airing rather than decisions being made. It can be hard work as you can imagine.
I was talking to someone tonight who is a fellow sufferer and he has finished his treatment but had the 10-12 year cycle and is nice and clear and has been for years. We had a laugh as I was so ill when I sent out the notices that I forgot two of the committee members. It is a bit like a number of other basic errors I made on the Lodge documents. Luckily having reread these I've picked up on them.
Typical to go deaf just as the meeting got going - just what I didn't need really but there you go.
Anyway, as committee meetings go it was a difficult one to run as there was a lot to get through and stuff that needed airing rather than decisions being made. It can be hard work as you can imagine.
Blast it all
I went to the meeting tonight and was partially deaf again. What a nuisance although I could laugh at myself I wasn't happy as it was an important meeting.
Lots of things were decided and I had to keep track of the meeting and write the minutes.
I'm annoyed as I felt I was on the mend and then - bang my ears are back to ringing and noise but no hearing again.
Grrrrrr.
Lots of things were decided and I had to keep track of the meeting and write the minutes.
I'm annoyed as I felt I was on the mend and then - bang my ears are back to ringing and noise but no hearing again.
Grrrrrr.
Friday, January 30, 2009
So a Guy from DHL walks up to the door....
And I have a double parcel thing from Ben's Cookies? Well I don't remember ordering anything form a company like that and I wonder perhaps if it is a late order from my online Christmas Shopping or perhaps some IT component.
DOH - no it is hand made cookies - 30 of them - they are lovely - a get well present from everyone at work - what a lovely gesture and they are really tasty. L has arrived from school - she tells me that I am her "Bestest Friend Ever" - "just take a cookie" I tell her. A note in the box says consume within 4 days - I explain to L that it is a recommendation and not a challenge :-)
Mrs F. And I went for a walk - together - thought I'd say that. We live on the edge of the countryside and so in 5 minutes we were walking past the church where we got married (big notice about no refunds??) across the fields and through the woods where the Spitfire Pilot from WW2 is buried. We aren't far from the WW2 airfield of Biggin Hill and I actually hear planes and a Helicopter today and other sounds but somehow I have less hearing on returning from our walk :-( All the signs are good and I feel so much better today, still not right, but a lot better than I have been for days, you can tell in my outlook, the way I talk, think and act too.
On a sadder note, the confirmation of my withdrawal from my University course has come through. I get some credit towards another course if I want to do that. I'd love to but serious appraisals need to happen before then.
What to do with all my spare time. Parkinson's Law will suffice "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion". Actually I hope it doesn't - why make a hole in my time if I don't do something with it rather than filling it with stuff I already manage to do - ouch writing that made my head hurt :-)
Off to a committee meeting this evening - should be a laugh - everyone treats these things as being pretty serious - of course it isn't, its like all committees though and I just know I'll have to bite my tongue many times this evening. I'd really love to fire in some SMOL (smart ass one liners) occasionally but perhaps better keep my tongue in check.
Right - Kettle on and 30 Cookies to be eaten before the weekend is out. Somehow I don't think that a mathematician will be needed on that one but I hate to put back all the weight that I have involuntarily lost these past 4 weeks or so! Mind you it is always worth trying.
The healthy diet? Well - you have to indulge yourself sometimes and so that can start again on Monday or when the cookies have run out :-)
DOH - no it is hand made cookies - 30 of them - they are lovely - a get well present from everyone at work - what a lovely gesture and they are really tasty. L has arrived from school - she tells me that I am her "Bestest Friend Ever" - "just take a cookie" I tell her. A note in the box says consume within 4 days - I explain to L that it is a recommendation and not a challenge :-)
Mrs F. And I went for a walk - together - thought I'd say that. We live on the edge of the countryside and so in 5 minutes we were walking past the church where we got married (big notice about no refunds??) across the fields and through the woods where the Spitfire Pilot from WW2 is buried. We aren't far from the WW2 airfield of Biggin Hill and I actually hear planes and a Helicopter today and other sounds but somehow I have less hearing on returning from our walk :-( All the signs are good and I feel so much better today, still not right, but a lot better than I have been for days, you can tell in my outlook, the way I talk, think and act too.
On a sadder note, the confirmation of my withdrawal from my University course has come through. I get some credit towards another course if I want to do that. I'd love to but serious appraisals need to happen before then.
What to do with all my spare time. Parkinson's Law will suffice "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion". Actually I hope it doesn't - why make a hole in my time if I don't do something with it rather than filling it with stuff I already manage to do - ouch writing that made my head hurt :-)
Off to a committee meeting this evening - should be a laugh - everyone treats these things as being pretty serious - of course it isn't, its like all committees though and I just know I'll have to bite my tongue many times this evening. I'd really love to fire in some SMOL (smart ass one liners) occasionally but perhaps better keep my tongue in check.
Right - Kettle on and 30 Cookies to be eaten before the weekend is out. Somehow I don't think that a mathematician will be needed on that one but I hate to put back all the weight that I have involuntarily lost these past 4 weeks or so! Mind you it is always worth trying.
The healthy diet? Well - you have to indulge yourself sometimes and so that can start again on Monday or when the cookies have run out :-)
Easing of the pressure
Well not only has the pressure eased off my ear - at last and thank goodness but I am also relieved not to be looking at the University work anymore. I was really struggling with it and the thought of having to get that done by tonight - although I can hear today - was concerning. There was no way I could have learnt poetry in a day and then done a 600 word comparison of 2 poems!!
So today, it does feel like a weight has come off me and I'm pleased about that and can move on.
What I'm not massively pleased about is the conversation I had with my successor in the Lodge who has, after 5 years had to withdraw, meaning that I will probably have to do another year as Secretary of my Lodge. No great deal you may think but this job entails a lot of work because the Lodge is one of the largest and has many members, it is quite prestigious, it gets invites around the country so I represent it and it also has to be managed in terms of web site, e-mail, printing, membership and returns etc so no mean feat. I was due to give this up in June and to find a suitable replacement and get them trained and up to speed by then may be possible but it looks as if I will have to do another year, get someone to do a few and then get the understudy to take over.
Tonight is our committee meeting so we can discuss that then. I have to organise that too which is a bit of an effort on its own with all the yearly statistics and so on. Because of the nature of the membership of the Lodge it needs to be run properly and administered correctly and it requires attention to detail, planning and preparation and above all time to do the job properly. None of which the incoming guy could commit to at the moment.
So the balance continues, you lose pressure off one side and someone equals it out by putting pressure in to the system elsewhere.
So today, it does feel like a weight has come off me and I'm pleased about that and can move on.
What I'm not massively pleased about is the conversation I had with my successor in the Lodge who has, after 5 years had to withdraw, meaning that I will probably have to do another year as Secretary of my Lodge. No great deal you may think but this job entails a lot of work because the Lodge is one of the largest and has many members, it is quite prestigious, it gets invites around the country so I represent it and it also has to be managed in terms of web site, e-mail, printing, membership and returns etc so no mean feat. I was due to give this up in June and to find a suitable replacement and get them trained and up to speed by then may be possible but it looks as if I will have to do another year, get someone to do a few and then get the understudy to take over.
Tonight is our committee meeting so we can discuss that then. I have to organise that too which is a bit of an effort on its own with all the yearly statistics and so on. Because of the nature of the membership of the Lodge it needs to be run properly and administered correctly and it requires attention to detail, planning and preparation and above all time to do the job properly. None of which the incoming guy could commit to at the moment.
So the balance continues, you lose pressure off one side and someone equals it out by putting pressure in to the system elsewhere.
A Good Sleep
My goodness - I had a long and uninterrupted sleep and got about 11 hours worth and feel really quite good this morning. My hearing has popped up a notch more this morning and whilst I still have the high pitched noise in my ear it is a little more bearable and is quieter than normal.
I really can hear a lot more this morning and details like this PC keyboard clicking away and the fans on the PCs whirring are really noticeable.
Steve K in the US has had his first set of maintenance and found out just how strange treatment can be, one day you cannot believe that you have had it done and all seems to be quite bearable and the next you are off the scale. I wonder what mine will be like. I'm guessing as I haven't had the letter that it wont be next Monday for me - just as well - not sure I'd feel up to them but probably the 9th February which is another day in my diary as AndyP will have his rigid cystoscopy and be checked to see how his TURBT went. The strange thing about bladder cancer or any cancer or disease is each comes with its own TLA (Three letter (or more) abbreviations) and glossary of terms. So people talk in short hand about tumour types, treatment, procedures etc. It's no different to the IT world where we used to talk in bits and bytes and K and the M and then Tbytes... RAM, VMS, UNIX MBPs etc. Here is the BC one and some links so you can get the whole list.
Apologies if I do go into BC speak - it isn't intentional - just comes with the territory...
I really can hear a lot more this morning and details like this PC keyboard clicking away and the fans on the PCs whirring are really noticeable.
Steve K in the US has had his first set of maintenance and found out just how strange treatment can be, one day you cannot believe that you have had it done and all seems to be quite bearable and the next you are off the scale. I wonder what mine will be like. I'm guessing as I haven't had the letter that it wont be next Monday for me - just as well - not sure I'd feel up to them but probably the 9th February which is another day in my diary as AndyP will have his rigid cystoscopy and be checked to see how his TURBT went. The strange thing about bladder cancer or any cancer or disease is each comes with its own TLA (Three letter (or more) abbreviations) and glossary of terms. So people talk in short hand about tumour types, treatment, procedures etc. It's no different to the IT world where we used to talk in bits and bytes and K and the M and then Tbytes... RAM, VMS, UNIX MBPs etc. Here is the BC one and some links so you can get the whole list.
Apologies if I do go into BC speak - it isn't intentional - just comes with the territory...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Lunch With Flocky
Was a good lunch out with young Flocky Bicep. We had a nice Curry, chewed the cud about a number of things and had a few beers which was great and it was nice to get out of the house and have a bit of company too.
Whether it was the Curry itself or the beer I don't know but my hearing improved and my ear has been popping and gurgling all evening and it seems that things are getting louder with each pop. Fingers crossed that it continues as I'd really like to get my hearing back and start feeling normal again.
Whether it was the Curry itself or the beer I don't know but my hearing improved and my ear has been popping and gurgling all evening and it seems that things are getting louder with each pop. Fingers crossed that it continues as I'd really like to get my hearing back and start feeling normal again.
Decision Made
I came to the conclusion last night that I needed to relieve the pressures I am putting on myself:
Work - trying to get back to work too early and ending up worse and setting myself back?
University - could I really catch up given that I need to listen to poetry and music to complete assignments and can't hear anything but top range anyway?
Health - I can't do anything about this and so have to live with being ill for a while and accept that as unpleasant as it is having to go and do another year of treatments that that is what needs to happen and I just have to live with it. There's nothing I can do about it.
There's other stuff of course but these three are giving me the challenges. I feel guilty that I am off work and yet I know that I can't go back like this, I am a danger to myself and others. My University Work, which I am getting good marks for and I love, is just not happening for me at the moment and I just cannot concentrate or give it the time it deserves. If it cannot be done properly and I cannot do justice to my studies and use my mind properly to achieve what I want then why on earth do it? And health, that's all I have banged on about these past few weeks. All I can do on that front is keep taking the tablets, keep eating and doing the right things gradually build back my strength etc.
So the big decision was the only one I could have made today that would immediately relieve the pressure and that was to withdraw from my University Course. As much as it pains me to have to do that, it really was the only practical way of easing something that was niggling me. We do a subject a week and to have lost what is now close to 5 weeks work is just too much to catch up on even given a 3 week extension on assignments. I did manage to get one of those in but even so, it was a hard slog. I'll miss it but I know that I would never have been satisfied with just a Pass as I am capable of Merits and Distinctions and my pride alone wouldn't let me scrape in or do work that wasn't up to my standards.
Is it the right decision? Of course it is. Logically it takes a great deal of pressure off me and whilst it is disappointing not to complete this. Another 4 months and I have had it licked, it just means that I can look forward to doing it next year or the year after. There you go. Emotionally, I'm upset a little about it but that will pass and I have spare time back to do with what I want. Maybe there is some value in that?
Work - trying to get back to work too early and ending up worse and setting myself back?
University - could I really catch up given that I need to listen to poetry and music to complete assignments and can't hear anything but top range anyway?
Health - I can't do anything about this and so have to live with being ill for a while and accept that as unpleasant as it is having to go and do another year of treatments that that is what needs to happen and I just have to live with it. There's nothing I can do about it.
There's other stuff of course but these three are giving me the challenges. I feel guilty that I am off work and yet I know that I can't go back like this, I am a danger to myself and others. My University Work, which I am getting good marks for and I love, is just not happening for me at the moment and I just cannot concentrate or give it the time it deserves. If it cannot be done properly and I cannot do justice to my studies and use my mind properly to achieve what I want then why on earth do it? And health, that's all I have banged on about these past few weeks. All I can do on that front is keep taking the tablets, keep eating and doing the right things gradually build back my strength etc.
So the big decision was the only one I could have made today that would immediately relieve the pressure and that was to withdraw from my University Course. As much as it pains me to have to do that, it really was the only practical way of easing something that was niggling me. We do a subject a week and to have lost what is now close to 5 weeks work is just too much to catch up on even given a 3 week extension on assignments. I did manage to get one of those in but even so, it was a hard slog. I'll miss it but I know that I would never have been satisfied with just a Pass as I am capable of Merits and Distinctions and my pride alone wouldn't let me scrape in or do work that wasn't up to my standards.
Is it the right decision? Of course it is. Logically it takes a great deal of pressure off me and whilst it is disappointing not to complete this. Another 4 months and I have had it licked, it just means that I can look forward to doing it next year or the year after. There you go. Emotionally, I'm upset a little about it but that will pass and I have spare time back to do with what I want. Maybe there is some value in that?
This morning and it is all different again
I feel quite good - in fact I do most mornings. I've blown my nose and got some pops and some more hearing back together with associated whistling in my ear. I suppose that's a good sign. I feel clear in my head and just seem to get trouble towards the end of the day and especially the night.
I imagine that I am still, in reality, reeling from having to do another year's worth of maintenance and the disruption that will cause. I am also second thinking about all the others things I do and pressure I put on myself and wondering whether I really need to consider dropping things off of and concentrating on getting fitter and healthier and concentrating on me a bit more?
It would be nice to have two weeks off lying by a pool soaking up some rays and having cold beers arrive at a set frequency. That's not actually going to happen right now but perhaps some such distraction might be useful after my first batch of treatment.
These are all classic signs of depression (there I've said the D word again) and need the usual activities to get rid of them including proper diet, exercise and so on. Of course, given how rough I've been feeling many of the normal things you'd do aren't easily achievable. They might be soon though.
At least there are some small signs this morning that I might actually be recovering although the whistling/ringing in my ears really isn't helping me concentrate too well.
I imagine that I am still, in reality, reeling from having to do another year's worth of maintenance and the disruption that will cause. I am also second thinking about all the others things I do and pressure I put on myself and wondering whether I really need to consider dropping things off of and concentrating on getting fitter and healthier and concentrating on me a bit more?
It would be nice to have two weeks off lying by a pool soaking up some rays and having cold beers arrive at a set frequency. That's not actually going to happen right now but perhaps some such distraction might be useful after my first batch of treatment.
These are all classic signs of depression (there I've said the D word again) and need the usual activities to get rid of them including proper diet, exercise and so on. Of course, given how rough I've been feeling many of the normal things you'd do aren't easily achievable. They might be soon though.
At least there are some small signs this morning that I might actually be recovering although the whistling/ringing in my ears really isn't helping me concentrate too well.
Me Again - A Late Night and
I feel dreadful I can't get to sleep and I almost got into one of my silly little panic attacks again. Heaven alone knows what is wrong with me? I got to thinking that I was never going to be well again and stuff like that so got myself up and dressed in light clothes to keep myself cool as I am burning up again.
I don't know what it is, it is SO unlike me to be quite so negative about things or to being feeling so up and down all the time. It is almost as if I am afraid to go to sleep in case I don't wake up or perhaps I will wake up and feel worse or unable to breathe properly again.
It makes me annoyed when I haven't control over the situation and I know that these things aren't sensible but it seems like my head is all messed up. I'm beating myself up because I am not at work but I know that I shouldn't be going in. I know that I am not 100% - probably not even 50% and I'm coming around to thinking that I should perhaps just drop loads of things that I'm pressurising myself to do - do I really need to try and do this studying when my head isn't taking it in and I can't hear the audios - I mean I'm doing Poetry and music in the next few weeks and I can't hear the stuff to learn what I have to. GGGGrrrr :-)
I just want to be well again and I don't feel well and I can't get much enthusiasm up for doing anything and on and on it goes. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in of course, but I don't see the way out at the moment.
It is very unsatisfying and I'm powerless to help myself to sort it out at the moment, I don't have the answers and I appear to have lost a huge chunk of my self confidence too. Where is the guy who proudly sported his "I'm not dead yet!" Tee Shirt when he was diagnosed and has met all these challenges and been through all of this stuff to sort out his Bladder Cancer? Looks like he's run away and is hiding behind to sofa!
I know I'm bumping along the bottom and I know that things will get better and that they will take as long as they take but if you are not used to being "ill" then you just can't believe how ill you actually get. Maybe I'm still not owning up to how ill I am?
Anyway, whatever it is and whatever spin I put on it, it still keeps me up late at night and into the early hours, it still upsets me and sets me off worrying. If I am like this now I can't imagine how I would cope with something more serious than this. The feeling of terror and the crushing feelings of claustrophobia really are unpleasant and I'm feeling this even though I can actually breathe OK.
I'm sure I'll be OK soon once I get to normal temperature again and once I am breathing normally and bang some sense and common sense back into my thinking.
I think it is more unnerving because I'm not normally like this, which makes it more worrying and you just spiral downwards from there :-)
These things teach you how you take your good health for granted.
I don't know what it is, it is SO unlike me to be quite so negative about things or to being feeling so up and down all the time. It is almost as if I am afraid to go to sleep in case I don't wake up or perhaps I will wake up and feel worse or unable to breathe properly again.
It makes me annoyed when I haven't control over the situation and I know that these things aren't sensible but it seems like my head is all messed up. I'm beating myself up because I am not at work but I know that I shouldn't be going in. I know that I am not 100% - probably not even 50% and I'm coming around to thinking that I should perhaps just drop loads of things that I'm pressurising myself to do - do I really need to try and do this studying when my head isn't taking it in and I can't hear the audios - I mean I'm doing Poetry and music in the next few weeks and I can't hear the stuff to learn what I have to. GGGGrrrr :-)
I just want to be well again and I don't feel well and I can't get much enthusiasm up for doing anything and on and on it goes. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in of course, but I don't see the way out at the moment.
It is very unsatisfying and I'm powerless to help myself to sort it out at the moment, I don't have the answers and I appear to have lost a huge chunk of my self confidence too. Where is the guy who proudly sported his "I'm not dead yet!" Tee Shirt when he was diagnosed and has met all these challenges and been through all of this stuff to sort out his Bladder Cancer? Looks like he's run away and is hiding behind to sofa!
I know I'm bumping along the bottom and I know that things will get better and that they will take as long as they take but if you are not used to being "ill" then you just can't believe how ill you actually get. Maybe I'm still not owning up to how ill I am?
Anyway, whatever it is and whatever spin I put on it, it still keeps me up late at night and into the early hours, it still upsets me and sets me off worrying. If I am like this now I can't imagine how I would cope with something more serious than this. The feeling of terror and the crushing feelings of claustrophobia really are unpleasant and I'm feeling this even though I can actually breathe OK.
I'm sure I'll be OK soon once I get to normal temperature again and once I am breathing normally and bang some sense and common sense back into my thinking.
I think it is more unnerving because I'm not normally like this, which makes it more worrying and you just spiral downwards from there :-)
These things teach you how you take your good health for granted.
Maybe it was just being run down
Someone reckoned that I must have been well and truly thwacked at the Hospital and just really low to pick up these colds and to still feel unwell.
I suppose that is a real possibility. I didn't have the greatest experience in the Hospital and it's been a month that things have just happened to me. I feel a right wreck and even now still don't feel at all well. I still can't hear properly, I still have blocked up nose and whilst I don't have the thumping in my ear I still have tinnitus! I am doing my Vitamin C and pro and prebiotics and eating properly etc. I just don't seem to be shaking this off and what recovery there is, is taking ages and ages.
I'm getting quite worried about it really as I want to be fit to get back to work and yet I just don't feel well enough to go. I'm certain sitting on the train with all the coughs and sniffs that are normally on there wont do me any good either!
I suppose another couple of days and see how I am if it is still this bad I will go and see the Doctor again and see what we can do to build me back up. I certain that if I have the BCG treatment in this state I'll suffer more than I would normally as I am run down.
I suppose that is a real possibility. I didn't have the greatest experience in the Hospital and it's been a month that things have just happened to me. I feel a right wreck and even now still don't feel at all well. I still can't hear properly, I still have blocked up nose and whilst I don't have the thumping in my ear I still have tinnitus! I am doing my Vitamin C and pro and prebiotics and eating properly etc. I just don't seem to be shaking this off and what recovery there is, is taking ages and ages.
I'm getting quite worried about it really as I want to be fit to get back to work and yet I just don't feel well enough to go. I'm certain sitting on the train with all the coughs and sniffs that are normally on there wont do me any good either!
I suppose another couple of days and see how I am if it is still this bad I will go and see the Doctor again and see what we can do to build me back up. I certain that if I have the BCG treatment in this state I'll suffer more than I would normally as I am run down.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A good night out
It was a great night out - I was ribbed mercilessly by my friends but the main thing was that I felt so much better when I got home. A few beers, lots of laughs and I was cheered up no end.
This morning I feel a bit better but am still deaf in the one ear and - I have no idea how I have this pain between my shoulder blades unless Mrs. F. was hitting me there or inserting a knife last night :-)
I feel an utter wreck at the moment but I am sure that things can only get better. Whether I will be fit enough this week to go back to work I don't know. With my hearing this bad I am not so sure.
This morning I feel a bit better but am still deaf in the one ear and - I have no idea how I have this pain between my shoulder blades unless Mrs. F. was hitting me there or inserting a knife last night :-)
I feel an utter wreck at the moment but I am sure that things can only get better. Whether I will be fit enough this week to go back to work I don't know. With my hearing this bad I am not so sure.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I am really looking forward to going out tonight
Just up to my local Pub in a few minutes to meet my old school chums. I've known these guys for 40 years or more and we have a great time once a month reminiscing, taking the mickey out of each other telling jokes and just having a good evening out.
I am so looking forward to it as I really do need cheering up and a boost to my system and these guys will do that without a doubt. I remember moving down this way from London and these guys being some of the first I met. My parents to this day say what a nice group of friends I had.
So - a few beers, some laughs, crikey we all need some of that as I think we are all going to feel the squeeze this year and hopefully refreshed batteries for tomorrow. It is amazing how feeling good in itself is good medicine.
I am so looking forward to it as I really do need cheering up and a boost to my system and these guys will do that without a doubt. I remember moving down this way from London and these guys being some of the first I met. My parents to this day say what a nice group of friends I had.
So - a few beers, some laughs, crikey we all need some of that as I think we are all going to feel the squeeze this year and hopefully refreshed batteries for tomorrow. It is amazing how feeling good in itself is good medicine.
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