Decision Made

I came to the conclusion last night that I needed to relieve the pressures I am putting on myself:

Work - trying to get back to work too early and ending up worse and setting myself back?

University - could I really catch up given that I need to listen to poetry and music to complete assignments and can't hear anything but top range anyway?

Health - I can't do anything about this and so have to live with being ill for a while and accept that as unpleasant as it is having to go and do another year of treatments that that is what needs to happen and I just have to live with it. There's nothing I can do about it.

There's other stuff of course but these three are giving me the challenges. I feel guilty that I am off work and yet I know that I can't go back like this, I am a danger to myself and others. My University Work, which I am getting good marks for and I love, is just not happening for me at the moment and I just cannot concentrate or give it the time it deserves. If it cannot be done properly and I cannot do justice to my studies and use my mind properly to achieve what I want then why on earth do it? And health, that's all I have banged on about these past few weeks. All I can do on that front is keep taking the tablets, keep eating and doing the right things gradually build back my strength etc.

So the big decision was the only one I could have made today that would immediately relieve the pressure and that was to withdraw from my University Course. As much as it pains me to have to do that, it really was the only practical way of easing something that was niggling me. We do a subject a week and to have lost what is now close to 5 weeks work is just too much to catch up on even given a 3 week extension on assignments. I did manage to get one of those in but even so, it was a hard slog. I'll miss it but I know that I would never have been satisfied with just a Pass as I am capable of Merits and Distinctions and my pride alone wouldn't let me scrape in or do work that wasn't up to my standards.

Is it the right decision? Of course it is. Logically it takes a great deal of pressure off me and whilst it is disappointing not to complete this. Another 4 months and I have had it licked, it just means that I can look forward to doing it next year or the year after. There you go. Emotionally, I'm upset a little about it but that will pass and I have spare time back to do with what I want. Maybe there is some value in that?