Somethings not published for the moment

I wrote a Huge blog last night called "concerning mental frailty" and I realised that it was going to be too long and too complex to justify just the one blog or the sheer amount of detail I crammed into it. It sits with a number of other unfinished blogs in the system ready to go out one day when I feel up to it.

In addition it went really deep into the dark side of my mind and what I'd felt over these past few years how the various stages of the disease and treatment, work and losing my job etc., and how each of these affected me.

I was having a very bad time last night - obviously! I just got fed up with being ill (all the time). I suppose I was pretty shook up and frightened too that I'd had the panic attack / claustrophobia - if you have never suffered from it, believe me it really shakes you up. It is like a sort of rising panic and you can't find your way out and that makes you really twitchy. Luckily I know myself what to do and got up and made the situation OK for myself but it did bring back bad feelings and memories. Getting out is always the thing I need to do. Wherever I am I know where the doors are located, the fire exits and so on. I had to get out of my bedroom as there was only one door and I opened the window but that wasn't enough and I had to get down stairs where there were more options. Spooky isn't it - but somehow there are three exits from the ground floor and that's OK!

Luckily it hasn't brought back the very dark and very nasty stuff of 18 months to 2 years ago. The "Dark Dog" stuff which was just horrible and - say it as it was - just downright depressing and black,terrible, frightening and a really nasty place to go.

So - in a way I'm glad I didn't inflict the big scary blog on you or go into some of the stuff I don't want to tell you about for the moment. I just reread it myself and can see why I didn't publish it.

I'm a bit stir crazy being trapped inside my head with this deafness - lord alone knows how Beethoven or anyone else must feel with it - mine is temporary but it must be terrible to live like this all the time.

You can see why some people liken cancer to post traumatic stress disorder when you get moments like this. As usual it rally helped to write it all down last night but exploring the emotions and the fears at such an intimate level may perhaps take me some time to do.

At least I feel a hell of a lot better tonight than I did last night. That was really scary...