Frustration

Having always been someone who does things and is out and about and worked (and played) really hard the past 30 months and the last 6 weeks or so really wears thin. I'm still here today, sat at my desk with my ear buzzing and hissing away. I can hear out of it but also have all the background noises to contend with as well.

I'm in that in between stage of being ill. Not quite well enough to return - as I know I'll just end up back here again. I can actually feel that I'm not up for doing more than a few hours work at a time, I do feel weak and I do feel tired.

I've got to give it time to get back to normal (heads them off at the pass by also stating that there is no way I'd ever be normal!!!). Again, it is one of those things that you have to accept. It reminds me of my Father who, a couple of years ago, had a "funny turn" and quite unlike him, we got him to a Doctor, to undertake a series of tests and they shoved a needle and got blood out of him (I was amazed he hates these places more than I do). So after all the tests and all the checks he goes to the GP who informs him that for a man of his age he is fine, Heart OK, BP OK, Cholesterol OK and so on. It is a mystery why he had the "funny turn". Then my Dad tells the GP and my Mum who is sitting beside him that it might have been lifting the 1CWT bag of sand out of the back of the car :-) . The GP then explained calmly to my Dad that he was 73 years old for goodness sake. Dad said he still felt as if he were 30... I still feel that too. There's no way I'm 51 - but I am :-(

Perhaps I'm really not admitting to being older than I think I am, I'm no longer indestructible, no longer as fit and healthy as I used to be and given the length and severity of this cold, no where near as recovered as I felt I was. I suppose I also have to admit that the BC and the treatments have taken it out of me. I suppose thinking back on those Post Cancer Fatigue days might also give me a clue about being run down. It would be churlish to think that having - what - 24 treatments and close to 6 Operations wouldn't have managed to take their toll somehow on me.

It goes back to your way of thinking that the only person who doesn't think that Bladder Cancer is a pretty serious thing to have is ME. If the words are "fighting your cancer" then that is what I've been doing but I've not felt myself getting weaker - I felt that I was getting stronger - this series of colds obviously shows different.

The Frustration is pretty obvious and the way out of it is just hard slog and letting time take its course. I can't see me shaking the cold off for a few more days and I can't see me being fully recovered for quite a while. Just as I am about to recover I'm sure that I'll end up on BCG treatment - that's bound to happen.

Oh well, life and time march on and I ought to attempt to get things done.. It is the last day of my antibiotics for my ear problems. It appears to have worked well enough that I can hear - but I can't hear music and listen to the TV properly as I still have this sounds like a robot hearing. I'll give it a few days more and if it isn't gone I'll have to go back to the Doctors and get something else. The trouble and complication being that BCG and certain antibiotics don't mix so I have to be careful on that front. Also, you shouldn't have a cold when you have the BCGs - this is because the side effects can give Flu like symptoms and you need to be aware of them. If you have already got something like that you could miss anything going wrong.

I see that this is going to - take as long as it takes and I'm just going to have to resign myself to it taking as long as it takes. Not easy for me but I know it is what I should do. It's just frustrating that's all.