Me Again - A Late Night and

I feel dreadful I can't get to sleep and I almost got into one of my silly little panic attacks again. Heaven alone knows what is wrong with me? I got to thinking that I was never going to be well again and stuff like that so got myself up and dressed in light clothes to keep myself cool as I am burning up again.

I don't know what it is, it is SO unlike me to be quite so negative about things or to being feeling so up and down all the time. It is almost as if I am afraid to go to sleep in case I don't wake up or perhaps I will wake up and feel worse or unable to breathe properly again.

It makes me annoyed when I haven't control over the situation and I know that these things aren't sensible but it seems like my head is all messed up. I'm beating myself up because I am not at work but I know that I shouldn't be going in. I know that I am not 100% - probably not even 50% and I'm coming around to thinking that I should perhaps just drop loads of things that I'm pressurising myself to do - do I really need to try and do this studying when my head isn't taking it in and I can't hear the audios - I mean I'm doing Poetry and music in the next few weeks and I can't hear the stuff to learn what I have to. GGGGrrrr :-)

I just want to be well again and I don't feel well and I can't get much enthusiasm up for doing anything and on and on it goes. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in of course, but I don't see the way out at the moment.

It is very unsatisfying and I'm powerless to help myself to sort it out at the moment, I don't have the answers and I appear to have lost a huge chunk of my self confidence too. Where is the guy who proudly sported his "I'm not dead yet!" Tee Shirt when he was diagnosed and has met all these challenges and been through all of this stuff to sort out his Bladder Cancer? Looks like he's run away and is hiding behind to sofa!

I know I'm bumping along the bottom and I know that things will get better and that they will take as long as they take but if you are not used to being "ill" then you just can't believe how ill you actually get. Maybe I'm still not owning up to how ill I am?

Anyway, whatever it is and whatever spin I put on it, it still keeps me up late at night and into the early hours, it still upsets me and sets me off worrying. If I am like this now I can't imagine how I would cope with something more serious than this. The feeling of terror and the crushing feelings of claustrophobia really are unpleasant and I'm feeling this even though I can actually breathe OK.

I'm sure I'll be OK soon once I get to normal temperature again and once I am breathing normally and bang some sense and common sense back into my thinking.

I think it is more unnerving because I'm not normally like this, which makes it more worrying and you just spiral downwards from there :-)

These things teach you how you take your good health for granted.