Oh Boy I didn't need that

I had a mild panic attack this evening. I get claustrophobia occasionally - often when travelling or when in very hot confined places - trains are my worst - I've spent loads of time getting off trains and waiting until a less busy one comes along. I don't know where it comes from but I had a small attack a week ago when I was so congested I couldn't breathe properly. I had to get up out of bed and go downstairs and hang around outside the back door.

Well tonight I got myself ready to go to bed and dosed myself up with Paracetamol and did the nasal spray and all of a sudden I was on edge and not feeling quite right. My head was pounding - or rather my ears were and for all the progress I thought I'd made today, it was back to the deafness and sound of my own heart beating out its rhythm. Then I felt hot and breathless and so opened a window, then went downstairs and turned the heating down. After a few moments I was getting quite edgy and decided that the best thing to do was to get up and go stand outside. It is freezing outside but that seemed to help to start off with. Mrs F. Seeing how bad I was helped and we have decided that If I am no better in the morning I am going to the doctors. I feel trapped inside my head. It is the deafness and constant pounding in my ears.

Anyway, I have been in and out of the garden and watched some TV - not that I can hear much and just whacked some more nasal spray into my system. I feel a lot better now - I may even be able to go back to bed without feeling hemmed in.

I normally manage to contain my claustrophobia, its OK as long as I manage it. I can manage trains - I can always get off and wait for the next one. I can always sit without my heavy jacket on etc. I cannot stand the underground and avoid that like the plague.

I firmly believe that I've had so much self-confidence knocked out of me these past few years what with BC itself and the roller coaster you are on and with the job front that it is almost inevitable that you are going to get some sort of issues like this. The mind is a different thing altogether and who knows what things it cooks up.

Most people who know me would say that I am pretty confident sort of person, very much single minded and a bit entrenched even. A very few who know me are acutely aware of my reticence to get on the underground and I'm actually OK if I am on there with someone else because I can distract myself. Few I think would expect me to be quite as bad as I was tonight and last week. The rising panic of last week feeling that I couldn't breathe properly and tonight's little episode show how bad the disorientation is with this deafness. I heard myself saying "Will I ever be well again?" and that isn't like me at all.

Anyway, at least I have got over the panic bit and the temperature feels as if it has gone down to an acceptable level. I am breathing easily and feel much calmer now.

I remember getting into a state when I first came back from the doctors having been to talk to him about the early symptoms of my Bladder Cancer. That was just plain upset and angry and tired and distraught. It is very different to this dread feeling I got tonight very different indeed.

Thanks goodness for the blog, it takes many weights off of my mind and body.