Not a lot changes

I went and looked at 2007 February posts - they were a bit more oblique then as I couldn't say much and the blog was anonymous at the time. The reason? Well I was going through the redundancy and I didn't want that to be googled and at that time I was also going through the Insurance Claim and just trying to sort it all out.

It was only 7 months in and having been well and truly knocked about by then and after having the first 6 treatments which were no holiday either a lot of things were setting in. I was in a right state back then.

I am nowhere near as low and depressed as I was then - my goodness, when I look back and see it now, I was going through all sorts of problems and they weren't easy to rationalise at all.

There was a lot of oblique references and I was having all sorts of troubles with understanding what my mind and body were doing to me.

I wonder how other people seem to just cope with this or whether they really have the issues I experience?

I was interested that Mrs F reckons that I (she used we) have changed a lot. I can't see that anyone else has changed that much. Me - I'm larger "than life" than I was before, more empathetic and more tolerant and in some ways - more so at work - a non panicker, if there is such a person? Perhaps a bit more assertive - which can be a bit of a character fault I think, I do try not to be like that but occasionally I get on my box and give it some. In other ways I am more emotional - more likely to get upset at things that before never troubled me - for goodness sake don't show me Bambi's mother dying - you get the picture? In other ways I'm fragile too. I don't take well to bad news and set backs or to being ill at all.

I'm not so sure everyone else has changed. They may have adapted, they may even like the new me, I think the family do as I am rarely angry these days and I am affable, helpful and that is a different me. I don't see much to have changed them other than they aren't on their guard and things are more fun in the house.

I'm not certain that everything has panned out yet. I think that it will take me a while now to reconcile work, ongoing treatment (the acceptance of being treated long term) and my business and personal life need to settle down properly. I have always mentioned that I feel there will be collateral damage here and it is a feeling that I am going to do something really stupid that ends a friendship, starts of a feud or breaks apart a relationship which plays on my mind. I feel it more than know it, I believe that there is some sort of pay back for getting my health back again?

If that sounds strange - it goes back to those early days and how at each stage you "think" things will unfold. You do the scenarios in your head, the "what ifs" and you play each one. The worst case scenario would have probably meant that this blog would have finished about 6 months ago and be left online as a sign of how it could end. Alongside that scenario were many things about my family and friends, what I'd do, my legacy if you will.

Then there were other scenarios, leading up to the one I am in now which includes the phrase: "So you've got your life back, no more treatment, just observations, your health is in control - what are you gong to do with this new birth, this new life you just got given to you?"

When I answer that one, there are many outcomes to the question, many roads and many consequences of the actions that I could take. In reality, they are the questions and the scenarios I play out that do keep me awake at night and make me think long and hard about consequences not just for me but for everyone. Me, I want to just go off and let off steam for a while and celebrate and enjoy myself, not have to work too much and catch up on loads of things I missed when I was working hard, long hours, away from home and having little home or social life.

The collateral damage may be that it is too much of a change for me or for other people to live with. The flip side is that I may not want them to live with it myself and that really does worry me that in my mind I can see myself being quite that rebellious or uncaring about people but I'm wondering after all these years whether I should be more selfish than I am? If I am to do that, then I wonder how far would I go in concentrating on me? Can you really celebrate your well being at a given time every day? Are you allowed to be happy once a week? If no one is prepared to let you be yourself (your new self) then perhaps you have to go and be your new self somewhere else?

When I said not a lot changes - I'd say after I got the first good signs and realised that I'd probably survive this, these thoughts started to rumble through my mind. They are more structured now and grow so each day.

I fully expect that something will trigger off events that is totally out of my control. Some event at work, home, social etc that will then make the decision for me and one of the scenarios in my head will start to play itself out. I can't predict the future nor can I change the path but I wish I could stop my brain working and permutating each and every move as it may never happen :-)