What's gnawing away in the background

You know what it is? The little voice in the back of my head - you know what it is saying?

It is saying "How come, the last three lots of biopsies were clear and yet this one isn't?"

"Are these atypical cells down to the treatment, to the way they did the biopsies (I still reckon the cleaning lady did them!) or are they the beginnings of a recurrence?"

That's the bottom line, that is why I'm a little bit more upset than I probably need to be is that there is the very minutest doubt in my mind that this might be the start of a come back for the Big C. Now before you all rush and tell me it isn't, because it actually isn't, there is no use telling me, you need to speak to the little voice at the back of my head because in the back of everyone's head resides the little voice called doubt, the pessimist, the nuisance maker, the naughty kid in the classroom and all those things rolled into one. A little Sniper, firing off and sowing little seeds of doubt into your sub conscious just when you are about to go to sleep or when you are at your most vulnerable. The little voice tells you - you are going to die or other such niceties :-)

Sometimes the little voice is right and that's why I don't block it out. Sometimes it says that things don't look right, that's too good to be true, it is completely politically incorrect (good for it) and it questions everything and ridicules and challenges most things that I do.

I try not to take too much notice apart from the occasions where it has actually saved me from doing something I may have regretted but at the moment it is quite insistent that why should these results be different from the previous ones unless someone knowing that there wasn't cancer present really went and had a good look.

Mild Atypia it may be but then they use the word Superficial Bladder Cancer and I can assure anyone reading this that it is hardly superficial if you've actually got/had it!!

I think I will have a chat with my Urology Nurse when I next see her or I can e-mail and get an appointment if I am that worried about it. Normally my Urology Nurse will have the answer and she is discussing my case with the Consultant on Monday.