I shouldn't be fed up

The last post says it all some poor kid under 30 is in deep problems with cancer and there is me whinging on about my hearing and how I'm not at work and how rubbish I feel. I always did say I felt a bit of a fraud just having Bladder Cancer. I still feel that a bit - maybe it is the strange way that I deal with it? How did all those poor kids go "over the top" in WW1? they must have known what was out there but they still did it. Again, that's a strange way of dealing with it too.

Not sure that is relevant but it came into my head after watching "My Son Jack" on DVD - one I got for Christmas. Lots of people worse off than me but I still complain and as a few blogs before this probably note - it is after all - all about ME and perhaps I ought to realise that.

I was out tonight and again, was pretty deaf and it showed and I was really struggling to get things sorted out and then I got a lift near to my house and the walk across the main road and the snow was a whole new adventure! I think that whilst I feel guilty not to go into work, frankly I'd be surprised if I can actually get more than a few hundred yards without losing my footing or losing my balance due to my ears and the affect this is having on me.

Part of me says go to work and the other part is saying - are you an idiot? - How well do you think you actually are and what on earth are you going to achieve by doing this? I'm sorely tempted to go in on Friday if things are OK just to say hello. I may even just go in for a few hours if I can, show my ugly face and retreat. Frankly it is absolutely treacherous outside and they don't pay me enough and it isn't important enough. The snow will have to have gone significantly before I even venture out that far.

I fully intend to go to work next week - treatment - if we ever get any post and it is planned for me - permitting.

Anyway, I don't know, I'm just p1ssed off and annoyed and find this whole "being ill" stuff very difficult to deal with. I've said before that up until 30 months ago - I hadn't really been ill for 30 years and so coping with being ill, having a condition that could have (and still might) end up killing me are all new things to experience alongside, long periods of illness and all the other associated cr@p.