Strange day

It was a strange day today - I belted through my work - I was on a real charge and I am in advance on some other bits and I still had capacity - suddenly I realised that I'm back into my old thrash mode and back up to speed which has been missing for 3 or 4 months. It is good. I also seem to be getting some real progress on some of the minor projects and have a couple of new ones starting too.



I'm quite content at work at the moment - had a funny one this morning, queuing at Pret two of us, two servers and a guy barges past me and orders up - the lady looked at me and I told her to serve my friend first as he was "obviously very hungry and perhaps thirsty too as anyone who wasn't would have been able to queue must be". He sort of looked and made a neanderthal noise. Then when he got served that twat paid for it with a credit card he screwed up that and also his discount card which was also out of date - where do we import these people from? The guy behind the counter was ready for any trouble. However, it was OK as he was as thick as brown stuff anyway. As he left I told him not to eat his food too fast as I'd hate for him to rush it and choke himself. This is a guy who obviously was in a terrible rush.

I nearly gave him the "doesn't your religion forbid you to eat on an empty stomach?" but he'd had enough of my tongue by then and we were all laughing - apart from him who still didn't get it. What an utter dick head. I shudder that there are ignorant people like that around. He's lucky my kid brother wasn't there he'd have found himself frog marched into the street if he'd done it to him :-)

It really doesn't cost anything to have good manners does it? I remember a chap giving up his seat for a lady on the bus and after a while he said "Pardon?" The lady said "I didn't say anything" he said "Oh sorry I thought you said thank you". She got off next stop - nice one.

Wall of disappointment

I'm a funny guy. Funny peculiar that is. I just cannot believe that this may be the end of the beginning. Nor can I get my head around letting go of things and moving on a bit.

Having convinced myself to go another round of maintenance and then finding it isn't necessary has left me nonplussed. Work is fine, I can cope with that but somehow I appear to have lost the ability to control m time in this past week. I am weighed down with so many things to do and I'd almost got to the point tonight of saying "what the hell" where normally I would be sorting out problems in the face of adversity I was actually asking myself - "why should I give a sh1t?" That is so unlike me. It wouldn't happen of course as I wouldn't let my friends down but I just feel very tired and very fatigued and as if I've run a marathon and I am on my last legs and totally exhausted.

Now that isn't surprising to you I guess. you can probably understand that fighting cancer for 32 months or so is going to leave you pretty knackered for sure.

Well it does because the relief is kicking in and my guard is coming down, the fences that I have built are being dismantled and all of the self preservation mechanisms are slowly disappearing and it is leaving me exposed and vulnerable and tired.

I cannot properly articulate quite how it feels other than just wanting to flop down in a chair after a long walk but not after a long run? Tired but not exhausted. Also, there are many things competing for my time and I'm not handling those well at all. I cannot work out what I am doing, what direction I want to head in and whether I'm doing the right thing.

All in all, I am one screwed up cookie right now. I honestly think that it isn't long term issues it is just coming to terms with the whole change in diagnosis. The fear is that the atypia goes and does something nasty to me. The upshot is that I don't have BCG treatments and that so far the BCG treatment has done its job.

I'm sort of free again but a bit like a caged animal, they have opened the cage door and I'm not sure if I want to leave what I've known.

Trepidation, some fear, letting my guard down, being vulnerable, being "normal" again. I reckon I could keep a shrink employed for 6 months on this lot!! :-)

I think I ought to just go off for a holiday and relax and get my head together.

Calls from NZ and coming to terms with things

My Cousins in NZ called - that was nice. They are due over here later this year and it will be good to see them - it must have been 6 years or so since they were here last. We never did get out to NZ ourselves. Certainly not the last three years with my little run in with the big C.

I need to sort out when I am around as my calendar is crazy at the moment - I must remember to get that sorted tomorrow and e-mailed off.

Today has been crazy but I got the accounts sorted partly - certainly got them so that the money is banked and squared away. I need to sit down and do the accounts properly - probably next week if I can. It takes a good few hours to make sure everything is accounted for and in its right place.

I'm feeling a little better every day and perking up a bit more. It has taken a while to sink in that I don't need the treatment. The niggle and worry is that it comes back. I know that isn't a positive way of thinking but it is realistic. I don't knowingly do anything to warrant bringing the Cancer back but I need to be mindful that it can return. I now have to step up my efforts to get fitter and to spend some time returning to my correct weight and if I can to fit in the exercise and fitness regimes.

I'm desperate to hand off more work to others like the Egg Hunt and other things I regularly organise as I feel I am not providing anything new or fresh - in the case of the Egg Hunt I've done that for 14 years this year - I can hardly believe it but there it is. I'm seeing a lot further than the next few months and next year all of a sudden - which is good. Shall I go full time at the charity? Maybe get back to what I used to do before I got ill? Perhaps finally go and do my family history business? Suddenly, with the good news, everything is back on the table for discussion and for negotiation.

Being free of the treatment means getting some sort of control over your life back and getting that control back certainly means that you finally feel as if you can see into the future a bit better. I can look forward at least 10 years now and I haven't really done that for a long time as I have been concentrating on getting to the next stage in the treatment and recovery.

I suppose June will be another Judgement day but by then, it would be 2 years (or more) if it is clear and that must be a huge hurdle to clear. The longer I go clear, the better the chances of seeing this off and being free of the sword of Damocles hanging over me.

Yes - writing this I do feel different and I do feel positive and whilst there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind, I am able to look forward with some confidence once again.

They haven't seen a really full on me at this place of work - I imagine when they do see me properly recovered they'll wonder what on earth has hit them.

Step aside world, I could be back very soon :-) Blimey, I hope they are ready for it - And I hope I am ready for it too!

Putting it into perspective

I had another of my long sleeps and must have done 12 hours! I feel fine but I still have residual hearing problems and continual pops and tinnitus although some days all is OK and others not so good.

Had a nice note from Andy P and from Steve K and it is great that your peers pull you up occasionally or better than that support how you are feeling. It is nice to know you are not alone. So having said that I am pretty cheery and as Steve K put it - no more BCG and indeed that did bring it home. You see I have been clear for 18 months and so that isn't the issue. The BCG stopping really does mean that I can start to build myself back to being fitter without the interruption of the BCG regime which whilst it is a marvellous treatment and sorts out and gets rid of your cancer, really does knock ten bells out of you at the same time - it's bound to so strong are it's powers and therefore its side effects too sometimes.

So I am pretty cheerful. I have lots to do in the next few weeks and so will be absorbed into learning words for next Saturday - I have a friend joining my Lodge which will be great. There are meetings throughout the week. I am being asked to go to work on Friday when it is Comic Relief day - which I hate and normally stay at home for. One thing I cannot abide is being accosted multiple times on the way to work by someone dressed as a clown sticking a bucket under my nose. I want to become quite uncharitable about it even though they are doing it for the right reasons, don't force it down my throat. By the time the 20th clown has walked up to me with a bucket I am preparing myself for a short trial and life imprisonment - NO really :-)

I am also out the next three Saturdays - eeeek Mrs. F. is probably going to not be impressed with that either :-)

Anyway - if nothing else, my sense of humour is back with a vengeance. I now need to just believe things are a lot better than they were this time last week and I'll be on the right road.

Thanks a Bunch Royal Mail

Thanks Royal Mail - You gits. Not only did you manage to lose my Hospital letter posted on the 9th February but also the letter that arrived with it on the same day which I have now finished reading right through was also dated the 9th February! They only needed an answer at the end of February and as it was to do with my savings - there's another thing all SNAFU. Bloody great - I'll have to sort that out now too.

So it wasn't the Hospital at all by the looks of it. What are the chances of two letters both dated the same date arriving 3 weeks late together. You sods...

I think I can turn the flame gun off now, it does make you want to spit though doesn't it?

So I could have known weeks ago that things would be different and not have to pester the Hospital.

Oh well. Back to my paperwork then...

Chirpier for sure

I'm a little bit chirpier than I have been and was certainly being entertaining this morning which is nice. I'm still coming to terms with "what it means" and that may perplex anyone else but me. I'm really spending a while thinking it about it.

I was quite disappointed that this wasn't the outcome in January. I then had to come to terms with a further year's worth of maintenance and biopsies. They are bloody challenging as you probably remember and then to have that decision overturned back to where it should have been in the first place is concerning me. Just when I had convinced myself that the maintenance was necessary I now find that it isn't.

I can't imagine that they would put me at risk if they felt the Atypia needed treating then they'd go ahead. As it stands, it is Atypia, not Precancerous and so doesn't need anything I suppose.

Let's all hope that I "get it" soon and get my life back.

I thought that I would be

leaping about and going crazy and enjoying things and actually I have surprised myself by being quite calm and cool about the news.

Work want to take me on permanently (despite the risk) and I am in a good frame of mind, I am perhaps a little more lively than before but I'm also getting better and with that lasting a little longer at work, not quite so tired and learning to relax a bit too.

Things are beginning to come back under some level of control. This news is unexpected. It is however what I thought was going to happen way back in January.

So I guess that June will be the biopsy time - maybe July but I could do with June. I really fancy a bit of a bash if things are good again and go off somewhere and relax. I think Mrs. F has other ideas, she never relaxes. I could do hot weather, pool, liquid fridge and barbecue for 2 weeks - that's it. Heaven. Mrs. F would have to see all the local sights, museums, go for long walks and all that old malarkey :-)

Maybe I could go somewhere warm and she could walk there over the two weeks?

Exercise - I didn't do any this week. Diet - I did a bit but had some meals that spoilt that. Next week is hardly better there are loads of things going on in fact for two weeks. I wonder how food critics stay slim. I am going to be off for a whole series of three and four course meals in the next few weeks.

Anyway, I can feel that I have a lighter sense of humour and so am obviously cheered up and feeling a lot better than I was earlier this week so maybe it is a gradual thing.

I tried to explain that I could still get a recurrence to the boss but he doesn't appear worried. It is the end of my first year at work at the end of March and they want me to stay - I'm pleased about that.

The longer you continue to be clear, the more likely it is that you will not get a recur. I can now join in with the people I have read about before whose fear now is a recur and going through it all again.

Double Take

The date of the letter that I received today - on the 5th March 2009 is the 9th February 2009!!!!

What on earth has gone on here then? It has been almost a month since they wrote the letter. Has he world gone mad - or did I just miss a month.

Anyway better late than never but even so - I could have had one months less worry!

Laugh / Cry / Laugh / Cry / Both ??????

I have a letter from the Hospital it says:

"I have had a chance to go through your notes and actually you don't require any further BCG treatment as you have now completed the full maintenance course.

We will therefore need to just carry on with regular checks on your bladder and I will see you in 6 months for bladder biopsies.

Yours sincerely etc."


I heard the news late this afternoon at work. I'm stunned. Pleased, of course, but wow - that is great news. It is just I'm not sure how to react to it. I'm neutral at the moment. I had a few flashes of the enormity of it and thumped the desk a few times at work. I think it will sink in later this evening.

Stunned is definitely the right word at the moment.

Illegitimi non carborundum

Many other variants - not one of them correct

Nil illegitimi carborundum.
Non illegitimis carborundum.
Illegitimi nil carborundum.
Non illegitimi carborundum.
Nil bastardo carborundum.
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.
Illegitimis non carborundum.
Illegitimus non carborundum est.
Nil illegitimo in desperandum carborundum
Nil carborundum illegitamae

It reminds me of the Monty Python "Life of Brian" sketch for Romans Go Home :-)

This however is meant to mean "don't let the bastards grind you down".

Or as I'd probably paraphrase it "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear!"

It was good to get the hell out of the house and enjoy the company of friends and to hear some very interesting Trad Jazz. The singer and Banjo player were superb, the beer was at its correct temperature cold but not enough to frost the glass. Morlands Speckled Hen is without doubt a very good reason to stay cancer free for!!!

Roll on my speaking engagement tomorrow.

Sheeesh

Not sure if that is quite how you spell it. I don't hold grudges for long. It was interesting that I also had a "pop" at someone on Monday night which is out of character too.

I wonder whether:

1. Waiting to hear what the Hospital is or isn't going to do is putting a bit of stress on me?
2. The job really has got tedious
3. Some people ought to be doing their own job not putting it on me and
4. I'm just tired and not drinking lots of coffee etc. Mind you green tea and Earl Grey are taking a whacking. No sugar either...

Whatever it is - I am off to the Jazz night and good job too. That will bring a smile to my face. Tomorrow is likely to be a half day although I am at a speaking engagement (poor audience). They are paying for my food and wine so how sad is that? :-)

I just hope that no one else tries to be "fresh" with their answers. Since when did No actually mean Yes or even Maybe!?

Slightly calmer this morning

Thank goodness a bit of sleep and I am a little bit calmer.

It's a bad part of my character but you don't get second chances much. If you say one thing but mean the other, an INTJ won't get the subtlety of it.

Anyway - work beckons - must dash.

Anger Management

I just want to go and break something at the moment. I don't go around thumping people or anything like that but when I do get a rage on, it is pretty bad. Things aren't calming down like they normally do and I really could do with going out and breaking something :-)

I really don't think I have vented my frustration and anger at all since I was diagnosed. Sure I was angry but not seeing red like I am now. I am calmly tapping these keys which surprises me but I suppose I need to measure what I am saying or the keyboard would become mush!

I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am. Really, really angry and yet I am sat here quite calm. I suppose seething might be a better word. Am I angry with Mrs. F? Probably not in the overall scheme of things. Myself? Possibly. Cancer? Perhaps - I don't remember being angry about it before - well not like this.

I will go downstairs and do some calming down after this. The annoying thing on top of this is that - whoops - I may just have resolved this - I haven't had any coffee at work today! Don't tell me it is that.

Oooopps

On Being Completely "bent out of shape"

Mr. Angry visited tonight. I am probably the worlds calmest person. It is true that if I think you are an idiot or being stupid you will deserve and get the benefit of my tongue and wit. After one such incident someone was in sincere belief that I had most of the oral niceties of a Viper!

Tonight, not sure why, it was slinging a gale (still is) water everywhere -rain horizontal and just a filthy night. I get off the train to find that it is like trying to round Cape Horn on a Dinghy just to get through the ticket barrier. I phone Mrs. F for some sort of respite - it is after all a mile walk home and I get the "too busy with something else answer".

I hung up the phone, turned that off and threw all my toys out of the pram. I'm still not in the right frame of mind to be talked to.

Right this minute, writing this blog, I could easily go and stove something in, break some crockery or some other such thing. I haven't been this seething angry in absolutely years.

I also don't think I have actually sworn that much since I was on a building site 30 years ago either :-(

Perhaps the pressure gauge needs to be let off? Is it the Collateral damage I have feared all along? I don't know, I may have been angry but I was really holding back. Maybe I need to go on one of those anger management classes. Gee a Magnum and a target would have been a most welcome distraction to vent some spleen tonight.

Damn it I am still so angry even writing this. I need hours to calm down. It is absolutely lashing it down outside and I've already got soaked through tonight so I can't just go for a calming couple of hours walk.

It is at times like this that I tell people to leave me alone and what do they do? Yes, you've guessed it, they try and talk sensibly to me. BIG mistake. When an INTJ goes "into one" you really need to get the hell out of the way.

As I said at the beginning, for me to get beyond standard cynical bastard and into "take no prisoners venom mouth" really takes a lot of goading and a lot of poking and prodding. Today, someone just learnt their limit. As for me, I feel horrible as I don;t like being this angry, this full of adrenaline, this downright vindictive and the loss of control that anger suggests may happen.

On Tiredness and Fatigue and Recovery

I haven't had one of those crushing days for a while and I hope I wont get another but you never know. Today was hard work. Keeping busy is my major concern I am actually keeping very busy but there wasn't a whole lot of achievement today.

I am getting to a point where I am cruising and I don't like that. I want a few more challenges and yet I have specifically made time slots available to allow for treatments and things and as nothing is happening I am having to bridge those deliberate gaps in my schedule.

I am wide awake now at close to midnight and I don't want to be. I need to work out how I can get to bed but more importantly get to sleep earlier.

I suppose it is all about habit breaking and adapting and I can perhaps start to change that down this week as I haven't got too much on.

Diet? Maybe

Well the best intentions and all that. I ended up having a few beers this evening and so probably undid all the good I did earlier.

I have completely avoided chocolates and sweet things, stopped taking frothy coffee and sugar and in fact drank tea today mainly Green Tea with Jasmine and used sweeteners. I ate a muffin before I went to work (English Muffin) and so didn't stop for my customary Baguette or Almond Croissant.

No sweets (Candy) at all. I just had my sandwiches and soup and that was the lot. So actually I did quite well until we went for a beer before I came back from my evening out.

I think I can reduce my intake this way and eat the right things, I also managed to pack in my 5 a day fruit and veg and so think that I should be able to at least begin to sort things out.

Still no news from the Hospital. I think if I haven't heard in a day or so, I will ring up and see what is going on.

I am feeling a bit better about myself but have to say - some people saw a side of me you don't normally see and that is one who was a little p*ssed off with a friend of mine. I don't mind having to keep bailing him out of the brown and smelly stuff regularly but then to sort of rub my nose in it tonight and ask me to do some more sorting out for him in public meant he got the rough end of my tongue. I daren't even think what my facial expression betrayed. I am genuinely a very easy going person but don't push it or your luck too far. Believe me, my limits are pretty much unreachable but this guy managed it.

Also, I suppose luckily it was all over in a few seconds and was quickly diffused.

Waiting continues

It has been a week since I wrote to the Hospital once again and it is now March. I had the operation in late December so that is 2 months ago at least.

It is a bit concerning as I don't know what they are going to do with me. It will soon be 3 months since they operated.

It makes you wonder what is going on. Are they waiting for the 3 months and then scope me? Will they wait 3 months and then restart the BCG treatment? Then there were the 2 Rigid Cystoscopies to come too, she wanted those at 6 monthly intervals. It is all a bit strange isn't it? You see I was surprised that I'd need another year of maintenance - considering I had already had a year's worth to date.

I find it unusual for them not to be communicating with me or to have had the appointments if I am having BCG.

Maybe I'll find out this week what is going on?

Long Day and a Shock

I left the house at 8:45 and got home about 5:45

It was a long and tiring, albeit, enjoyable day. The shock came when I put on my waistcoat and found that it needed loosening off.!! In October that fitted and whilst I know I have put on some weight - that graphically demonstrated how much.

I'd say a good 2" around the waist and shoulders. In addition my waist band and belt also showed the same requirements on my trousers (pants).

So I need to do something about it and the next steps really are to work out how to get back to being healthy again and to fit some exercise into my week. I see Steve's blog on just that as a timely reminder for me to go and sort that out.

Work seriously gets in my way in terms of the time I can bring to the job but perhaps I just need to be creative about that as well and work out a way to fit it in.

Whatever happens I cannot ignore this and need to do something about it and fast, it also needs to last too. The trouble with many diets is that they may make you lose weight but they don't address the whole area of sensible eating, exercise and keeping the weight off and being healthy so I am on a mission to sort that out today and also to sort out what has happened to my other PC which isn't working this morning! What is that all about? If it has gone then it is all three PCs in a few months :-(

2 in the morning

In fact well gone 2 - about 20 past as my back ups for the PCs have begun. I have finally pulled together the bits for tomorrow. Not sure about the sneezing fit I am having typing this though - blimey, I nearly blew my head off with the last one!

So it has taken me the best part of four hours or more to plan what will happen tomorrow. At least I am well prepared which is the main thing. All the paperwork is now done and the bags are packed ready to go. All I need to do now is set my alarms to a little later than normal, make sure I get up and arrange to be back at the Hall by 9 tomorrow morning.

I will be so knackered tomorrow (today) evening when I get home....

A bit of a RANT earlier

I needed that - I almost ended it with "I've not been well you know" or other such sickism :-)

You really can't believe the bare faced stupidity of some people. I wouldn't mind, we all pay subscriptions and it is all voluntary and yet somehow it is as if life depended on it.

Whilst it IS in my nature to fire off a smart ass one liner, it isn't in my nature to not sort this out. I suppose only another year of this and I can relax a bit.

Roll on retirement in June 2010.