What the hell is wrong with me

It can be frustrating that I just don't seem to be coming to terms with who I am, what I want to do, the way I am now and all that good stuff.

I just cannot make up my mind what I want to do for the best.  I got to work today and caught up with 4 or 5 day's worth of work in as many hours.  I cannot say that I enjoy the journey - it has become a chore and a experience that isn't pleasant and is almost frightening.  I am so glad that Ii didn't go in last wek as I heard tales tonight about some of the journeys and it made me feel queasy just listening to them.  SURELY there has to be something else I can do from now on that doesn't put me in situations I don't like, doesn't make me do things that are mediocre when I can deliver such value from my experience to others? 

Travelling in cattle trucks to and from work to do stuff that I can do as well at home just seems churlish to  me.  

I'm back where I was some years ago at some sort of crossroads and once again, I just don't know what to do with myself for the best and for my long term mental and physical health.  At present I could happily kick my job into touch.

I don't feel like going in to work tomorrow at all.  I will take a view when I see what the weather is like in the morning.   Life is opening up to be a cul de sac at the moment and I really want it to be so much better than that.

At least I found out tonight that the journey up to town was as bad as I had anticipated and I am glad I made the decision not to go now.  I think I would have ended up at an asylum if I'd have gotten on one of the over crowded trains they described to me.  

Sweaty Palms or what

What a funny old day.  I got to the station fine through the snow and my train was there and wasn't corwded.  I was still the only one sitting in shirt sleeves though.  The reaminder of passengers were togged up against the Arctic chill and yet how on earth could they get any benefit after bing in a hot train for 20 minutes or more?

I got to work and it was quite hot.  I was able to grab time outside as we have a door to the garden area.  However, I was hot everyone else was cold.  I went for lunch and came back even hotter than before!  Crazy.  So I decided to come home and I am just cooling off a bit.  I will have to change my clothes though as I am so hot and so sweaty.  I guess that was just me burning up worrying about getting into and out of work.  The rest of this week will also be half days as I have a number of other things to do.  I don't mind as at least I can avoid rush hour trains and try and get back to some semblance of normality.

I'm out again tonight - in fact out every night this week and both days over the weekend too.  Bang goes any chance of a diet.

I see that Mike and HK in Toronto are having various things done to them this week and let's hope that it works out for them.  HK had a torrid time with BCG and could do with some good news.

I'm just happy to have gotten home without a panic atack or anything else other than a high temperature which is gradually coming down now.   I will repeat the journey tomorrow and see how I get on.

Slowly Slowly Back to Work

I am still feeling extremely apprehensive about getting back to work and have told the boss that I am going to do this gradually this week and so half days.  I start tomorrow.  I will be taking early or later trains and just see how I get on.

The sheer feelings of panic and stress are clear in my mind and it is interesting to note that some of this may be hormonal and adrenal which kind of makes sense in a way as I reckon that my whole body has been whipped to bits these past three years or so and it just needs to try and regain its equilibrium.   Your hormone balance takes a hell of a whack and adrenaline gets used up and not fully replaced.

I wasn't surprised to read some of the stuff about Claustrophobia especially the suffocating feeling you get with it.  The Panic attacks and the feeling that you are going to die provokes a run away from it need and the trouble is you are normally trapped and cannot do that - hence that feeling of being trapped just gets worse.  Unless you've had a panic attack you really cannot understand the terrifying nature of it nor of the havoc it wreaks on you.  Chest constrictions, heat and hot flushes and sweating, nausea, double vision - yuk it is pretty awful.

I know my mother has this and it seems to be a bit of a family trait.  Anyone who hasn't had it probably cannot understand it but I imagine it is how drowning or suffocating or being caught in a fire or trapped in wreckage - like in a building after an earthquake must feel.   

I need to consider what to do about these attacks though as whilst I had some of these before I cannot remember them being as intensely upsetting as they have been this past year.  This time last year because I was trapped in my own head with both ears infected and me being deaf for about a month I was in a bit of a mess.   I was able to control it as I was at home and could look out of a window or go outside.  On a train and an more so underground trains I just have nowhere to go.  I thought I might get like this in St. Petersburg at the Hermitage where they did suggest the crowds were bad but I was more aware of watching out for pickpockets than being in a crowded place and I was with a guide and as I normally am, I was prepared and could actually move around and determine courses of action to mitigate any unforeseen circumstance.

I'm actually quite worried about this now as I worry about if I ever have a cold like I did last year will I just end up dying of suffocation or just stress myself out completely.

People that know me realise that I'm just not like this normally.  I exude confidence and self belief and here I am quaking in my boots worried about getting on a train and going to work and worried about how I'll get home.  In fact, it is the loss of control or normality that has added to the uncertainty and doubt that feeds the phobia.  I must ask my friend if he can undo any of this for me.   

I'm actually frightened and I can only think of a few times in my life when I have actually been this scared of anything.  Cancer itself and all the early stuff was frightening.  Seeing a guy running amok with an Axe years ago was pretty frightening.  Being deaf and ill.  Having a policeman pull a gun on me was sobering.  Seeing a guy get glassed on a train and subsequently going to court was scary.  Being on the edge of the riots in London and missing at least 5 or 6 major bombings were also scary.  realising that only a few weeks after I stopped commuting that I may have been on a train that was involved in a major accident and when I thought I was in the middle of an earthquake in Italy too could be deemed scary.  Those sorts of frightening experiences shook me up for a long time.   This current anxiety isn't as extreme in terms of the immediacy of it.  This is more a pent up fear and I have no idea how I will get on tomorrow with travelling in.  I fully intend to get up early and just see how I do.  If I can't hack it - I can get off the train and come home.  

I'm not looking forward to this one bit but I have to do it I guess.  It seems a strange notion that some of the things I fear are pretty much not possible (running out of air on the train for example) but that is what it feels like and in a panic attack that really starts your breathing problems!

New Week

Well - I've had a bit of time off this week to reflect on things and I have decided not to go into work tomorrow but just see how the trains are holding up.

It is difficult to tell people who don't or haven't suffered from claustrophobia exactly what it is like and it really has got more acute these past few years and even since the illness last year.   To try an put it into some sort of perspective it feels to me like someone has stuffed a huge weight on my chest so that I can't breathe and the harder I try to calm down the more frantic I get to try and breathe.  At the same time, I can feel my head beginning to buzz and feel as if it is under pressure as if before going in to  a feint.  Then comes the rising panic of wanting to be out of wherever I happen to be at the time.  Everything is hot and airless and that makes it even worse.

I really need to get some control of this.  I rarely have it at home but can do when I have a heavy cold and when that cold renders me deaf as I am trapped inside my own body.  I can easily sort that out by going to a window or standing outside.  

It sounds like I'm a right wimp having this sort of thing, the tinnitus and everything else - in fact the past few years have seen my body breakdown really but I'm not decrepit or particularly ill in that way.

I'm going to check tomorrow to see if the trains are running properly and then set out a series of actions to ease myself back to work.  I have to say that I really don't fancy the idea at all at the moment and perhaps I will need to just go part time or sort something out.  I really am having difficulty with the travelling side of it.  It is as if my body is telling me something about work, travel or some other message that I'm not getting yet.

I need to sort it out soon though as I don't want to continue this situation into the foreseeable future and I need to be able to travel without the fears of being cramped or trapped on a train or any other situation  arise that I cannot handle.  

I really am surprised at how bad I feel about this - I even get it in cars as well these days.  I can only imagine it is past experiences, bladder cancer  and recent events that have made it worse.

Trapped inside

The weather is pretty terrible and I hope that it starts to clear soon.  I really could do with getting into work next week especially on Tuesday and Thursday when I have meetings.

The trains are still running an emergency timetable, setting low expectations and then failing to meet them.  I still find that the prospect of cramped, slow, airless, overly heated trains fills me with dread and I will certainly not travel until I feel less threatened and intimidated by the journey.  If it continues into next week I might well look to getting up to town and staying at a Hotel or something similar.  

Anyhow, this long spell of snow and ice has at least allowed me to sit here and catch up with my own work.

Not going in today

The big freeze continues and I dropped a note to the boss today explaining a bit more about why I'm not coming in whilst the transport is so bad.

I've had to admit something that I don't admit to many.  I hadn't realised or owned up to the fact of quite how bad my claustrophobia has become and it is as if a weight has been lifted that I have now made him aware of the situation.

I control and manage this, as you probably know, through routine and other techniques but uncertainty over whether trains run or not and the overcrowding this could cause are just too much for me to cope with as I need control and order to manage the panic attacks that can be caused by over crowded, hot and airless trains etc.

I am stuck at home and will be until they sort the transport out to my satisfaction.  I cannot believe though how bad this has become.

You Just Never Know

The snow came along and in fact it looks less than the lot before Christmas but there are warnings of a band moving through later.  I decided not to go and try my hand at the revised train timetable and so didn't get ferried up to London on a cattle truck or have to suffer worrying about whether or not I'd get home.

It is amazing when the advice is to stay away, severe disruption to travel and all this and employers expect people to make it in to work.  As I am both employer and employee I let myself off.  I don't suppose my work are too impressed but it isn't as if I am a member of the emergency services or had anything worth getting freezing cold for and also, knowing my disposition to hot and crowded trains and overcrowded carriages, worth me getting all stressed out for either.

Yet you know employers will be making people drag themselves into work in trying circumstances that could see them taking hours to get in just to go home again when they could work from home like I am today.

An interesting piece on the BBC web site today about surviving cancer HERE.  It is one of the major things that I have noticed about my treatment.  Not just the tiredness but the weight problems, the lethargy and the terrible bone weariness I sometimes encounter.  On many occasions I have blogged about the state of my mind and what having cancer has done to that including the memory problems and the inability to find the right word to explain myself during conversation and when writing.  Then there are the moods and the emotional roller coaster and things like my claustrophobia and panic attacks.  I've done a bit about these myself with hypnotherapy and controlled breathing and other mitigating actions.  The trouble is that as this article states, they treat the illness but not the whole person.  There really should be some sort of holistic approach that could be taken but Doctors are doctors of medicine and they repair and put that right.  You can't expect them to do the fluffy bit as well I suppose but someone really needs to as it is as much a part of Cancer as the physical symptoms are. 

Travel Nightmare

Without a flake of snow they managed to lose all signals in the local area and so I came home early and had to make a series of tactical rail journeys.  I wasn't going to get caught on the one train they had going out that three or four times the number of passengers that would normally be carried were meant to get on.

Mission accomplished and I managed to take the Underground and another two trains and got home safely before the snow - which has just started - prepares to dump up to a foot on us.  The train company were going to go onto emergency timetabling tomorrow come what may and frankly I can do without living like a sardine, it just starts my claustrophobia off again and I get pretty panicky these days in situations like that.  I can keep it under control in normal circumstances but not when they pack us into really hot overcrowded trains.

It beggars belief that they want us to try and make it into work tomorrow.  It is in fact crazy as why spend two or three hours each way when I could get up and start work in my office here and deliver perhaps three hours or more work on top of my working day.  I despair that these old fashioned views still exist.  They still have a lot to learn.  I'd rather not get paid and get on with something else if they don't like it.

I'm just waiting for A to get back in she is walking back from the local pub so shouldn't be too long.  The weather has turned though and so I'll just wait up and make sure she is safely in before I turn in myself.

They say this is going to be the worst snow for 30 years.  If so - I remember that week well as we were stuck in our old house and couldn't get into work for a week!  

I hate commuting

It was OK this morning as the new Train timetable has an earlier train with longer carriages and so I get plenty of room.  They are still stupidly over heated even though it is minus 4 or 5 you don't need to boil passengers like they do.  Me?  I have to take off my coats and scarf etc. to sit down and yet others doggedly sit there with full hat, scarf, gloves and all on and honestly the carriage has to be 25 or more degrees C.  It is crazy.  Tonight I decided to get an earlier train and feel that I may now do that more often as it goes about 20 minutes earlier than the one I normally catch and is a little less crowded.  I still have these claustrophobic reactions and tonight needed to open the window on the train for 10 minutes or so before we moved off.  Again just so hot I could hardly breathe.

I notice that since my treatments I am a lot hotter than other people, I am always warm and need to be in cool rooms and transport.  If I have to sit in the furnace like conditions of some of these trains I get problems breathing which takes me a lot of effort to control.  

I have arrived home to find that a friend's wife has died over the weekend.  She had been ill for many years and had not been in great health.  I often hear the words "it was a relief" and maybe that is true for her and her husband but even so, it must still be a shock to the system and I've been asked not to call and so I wont.  I do not deal with death particularly well at the best of times and post BC find it acutely upsetting when experiencing it at funerals or similar situations.  I could handle it quite well before all of this and can gaze on my own demise stoically but show me anyone else suffering or losing a loved one and I find that I am not able to cope with it.  Let me talk to a cancer victim and discuss the symptoms, treatment, potential outcomes etc and I'm fine with that too.

Back to Work

No doubt the alarm will come as a bit of a shock in the morning and that the cold walk to the station will start the return back to work off in a not too pleasant way.  We are in quite a cold snap at the moment but we are not as bad as Scotland which appears to be in the -15 Degree area and that's Centigrade none of your woolly Fahrenheit nonsense.

I've spent the day plotting out what the year looks like in terms of appointments and meetings and so far it looks to be pretty much panning out to be suitably busy.  I have my wall planner set up and also a brought forward file to put all my paperwork in this time!  It makes for easier remembering where I have put things.

2010 is one of those years, I feel, where things are going to happen either planned or by serendipity.   Curiously, though, I don't have the usual plan worked out on what I am going to do and how I am going to get there.  

The adventure starts tomorrow - let's see where it leads me.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life

It is strange that as you travel on your journey post Cancer that the threat exists for as long as you live and is always with you in some way or the other.  I was reading Steve Kelley's Blog and especially this really interesting piece mapping out the journey ahead.  It occurred to me being a Project Manager that the successful outcome of the journey would be to die naturally without Cancer having reoccurred.

You'll have to excuse the morbid way I just wrote that but actually that would be a result I think.   I don't think I am any more susceptible to another Cancer but I am perhaps more likely to get Bladder Cancer again.  I'm not planning on that but it is a possibility that grows more remote the more clears I get.

Going back to Steve's posting - the mapped out journey has no end date and as a Project Manager you always like to see something concrete delivered.  A Programme is slightly different as it can continue to move and grow and doesn't always have an end point defined at the beginning.  

Until I can get my head around not having a definitive end point I think that I am going to continue to struggle with coming to terms with Bladder Cancer.  I've reflected many times on the fact that if you break a bone or have an  illness, in general terms there comes a point in time when you were back to the way you were before.   That doesn't happen in cases of serious illness because it messes with your head as well as your body and I can't see a point where I'd be "back to normal".   I'm still amazed at how some people react when they meet me and find out I had Cancer, they almost do a double take and they just utter the strangest things.  I wonder if I would be one of those people if I hadn't have experienced this first hand?

Because there isn't going to be a sign off and a point where the Doctors say "go away" or  "you're all done now", because I am going to be having blood tests and check up every year and perhaps, like Steve's plan, a Flexible Cystoscopy for every year of my natural life, this will just stretch on to my last days.   I think that the UK might be different though in terms of moving the inspections to longer distances so they go out to 18 months, 24 months, 36 months etc.  I'll find out all about that in April and May of this year I hope.

I hadn't really managed to grasp this point until I looked at Steve's chart and considered that this is no one off project it is a full on programme (program) which has multiple facets, multiple outcomes, hundreds of possible paths and priorities and Bladder Cancer is one of the major work streams pulling every other part of the programme along with it.  It is no single entity, not one thing to deal with, it affects everything I do and almost every decision I make.  It is a single reference point and commands the highest priority in decision making and actually, in that way alone it is also the commonest excuse for not doing something and procrastination.

Dealing with the "depression" that this brings is the most important thing for me this year.  I use the D word and yet whilst I am certain it is that - it isn't anything like the Black Dog Depressions I used to get a few years ago and which thankfully don't affect me any more.   This is the feeling that I am on the scrap heap job wise and all those years of experience and lets not beat about the bush, money that used to go with those jobs may well have gone now.  It was poignant when my kid brother told me he had to take a pay cut to stay in his job last year.  His pay cut was more than I brought in for the whole year.  That felt like a wet fish slap around the face.   Money isn't everything and I probably don't need to do that sort of work any more anyway and I don't really need the money I suppose.  However, that needs to be resolved this year.  The current job could be done in a few days a week not full time and I really want to get involved in my other business venture where I can.  

So one side of the problem - I'm not using my brain enough, my skills aren't being used and I'm well enough now (I think) to move on to something a bit more challenging but where that is I don't know.  Many think I should hold onto this job.  I'm good at it and I have the ability to make it my own, perhaps make a bigger role and I know that I am guaranteed work to 2017 - so what is the problem?  Many would say that you should accept and carry on - "go native".  That would never work I can't just 9 to 5 and not make a difference especially in an organisation that works like it is still in the 1960s.  

On the other hand - things aren't so bad with my health and coming out of the rough bit of the BCG treatments and being clear for quite a while should give me confidence to move on.  In fact I am happy to move on but I find that I will probably be plotting a solo course on this.  What I want to do and what everyone else wants to do are quite different and no one wishes to share that with me.  So another side of the problem is that try as I might to move things on, if I am not getting the support to do them, then this too will add to the dilemma.  

Some time ago I mentioned that the difficult part of the whole thing was that you can't change people's reactions to your Cancer.  They have to deal with it themselves and when I was at my most cynical a few weeks ago I dared suggest that perhaps they expected me to die rather than live and haven't worked out how to live with a ghost yet :-)  

So whilst everyone has been most supportive and stuck with me throughout this pretty torrid time,  they may not be the most appropriate people to go ahead with and move forward.   

It now depends how you value your friends and family and how whether you are prepared to burn bridges.   I would hate to do that and having lost a few friends because of Bladder Cancer (I'm still in touch but they couldn't deal with it and went into quiet mode), I'm not sure dumping those that helped me through the hard times is a good strategy and yet, it may be necessary for my own well-being and peace of mind in the long run. 

This may not be the first day of the rest of my life but I think that I have finally put a few more pieces in place to help me decide what to do next.   To continue in a way that sees me dissatisfied with life, the universe and everything is not the way forward.  I can take away the assumption that there is an end point to BC and remove that from my calculations.  I can take away the possibility of recurrence and just have to deal with it if it happens.  I have to tackle and weigh the options on whether to shrug off the hands that hold me back and go and do what I want to do rather than try and gain a quorum or gain levels of acceptance or grudging agreement.   I'm very good at keeping the peace, promoting the Status Quo and being the good guy, always bending to fit in but perhaps it is time now to change that and do something about it.

To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question......... or is it?

Life can be so complicated can't it :-)

New Year Resolutions

Easily broken in my experience. Mine are still to try and keep healthy and get better each day and to get out of the rut I'm in. The only thing stopping me is myself I reckon.

I really can't be arsed with work or much else at the moment - only in as much as I have other things to do and through wasting my time these past days just haven't gotten around to doing any of them. Even my wall chart is out of date, no calendars have been changed or anything so tomorrow (well later today) I ought to do that.

I'm not happy with myself these days, I must tackle all the things I should be doing without hiding behind the fallout from my condition. It is time to try and wrestle back some control now and see where that gets me.

Happy New Year

Well here we are 2010. Another year and another one that I'm happy to be alive in.

I took myself off to the Hospital today to get a blood test for my GP so they can continue to prescribe me all my heart pills. It was a good move, I got up late and wandered down there gone 11 and there were 5 of us in the queue which meant about a 10 minute wait and I was done and on my way home. Suitably rewarded with some left over bacon from Christmas I decided I might as well finish off all the fatty, calorie heavy stuff now as I won't be touching that again for a long while.

I'm now going to concentrate on losing weight and getting back into shape again as well as trying to get back some of my lost get up and go which has got up and went.

A look back at the last 10 years tonight on TV gave plenty of food for thought and yet no one mentioned my little milestones - perhaps best left behind and move on. It's a bit like having had a very bad cold for 3 years! Not :-)

Let us hope that this next decade brings us a little peace in this world and some massive improvements in Cancer detection, prevention, treatment and cure.

Tiredness working out

Well for the 3rd day running I haven't got up past 11 in the morning which is a bit crazy.  I guess I ought to try and get going first thing tomorrow if I can as I'm losing half a day at a time this way.

I hope that I have managed to set up a new Gadget on the Blog that links to another resource for cancer.  Let's see how that works out.

One thing I am a bit remiss at is tagging my posts.   I need to come up with some simple headings I guess that filter searches for readers.  Something else on my growing "to do" list for 2010.

My DVD Player is driving me mad as it has a DVD stuck inside and will not spit it out.  The crazy thing is that it is a known issue but the published solution doesn't work!  Doh!  Tomorrow I will try a few tips off of the Internet.  As always happens with me the device is about 18 months old and out of warranty.  The Surround Sound DVD Player I have is working (when it feels like it) and so I managed to watch a few of my DVDs today.  

A managed to scratch her car today and is a bit cheesed off and upset with herself.  Not everyone gets it when all I ask is "Did anyone get injured or hurt in anyway?"  A bashed piece of metal is just a bashed piece of metal after all.  She is furious with herself for it but maybe she will see my way of thinking when she calms down a bit.  It really doesn't matter and in the overall scheme of things is nothing to get upset about.

Off to bed a little earlier tonight to see if I can get in a little less sleep than recently!

A Bit of R&R Coming up

It is one of the joys of Christmas meeting family and friends (and of course "Waste of Oxygen Man"). The trouble is, with so much entertaining you tend to wear yourself out pretty much and today was a chance to get our breath back and we did absolutely nothing after cleaning up the mess from the night before.

I can't say I'm in the best of humour as both my DVD player and recorder appear to have malfunctioned as does my Hi-Fi but hey, what are the January sales for otherwise!

I need to do a bit of taking stock tomorrow as I have managed to squander my days leading up to and after Christmas and have achieved next to nothing. This time next week I'll be back at work and so I ought to catch up with all those things that need doing.

Time to sort out New Year resolutions - I ought to go and look back at the last few years and see what I said then!

The Day After the Day After

I'm still a little stiff from my ice fall but otherwise I'm OK.   Yesterday the whole family (Mrs. F's side) A and her boyfriend and the rest descended on us.  The "waste of oxygen" at least managed to get through the day and to not vomit on my carpet like a few years ago so that was a result.  I can't believe how much he winds me up and I'm generally very good with most people.  Perhaps it is his complete disregard for others?  At least I don't have to see him until the next funeral, wedding or Christmas next year!

Why people tear arising around and get stressed out just because friends are coming I have no idea.  Of course they get even more stressed out when I tell them to slow down and take it easy.  This sort of stressy stuff during the holidays really isn't necessary.  Again we have 13 or so guests  coming around this afternoon.  I have slunk back here to my sanctuary to get a bit of peace and to also count to 100 before going downstairs and trying not to be flippant, sarcastic,  level headed, sensible and all the other things that people who know me would realise would stress anyone else out completely.  So I'm doing a bit of a United Nations bit, making a tactical withdrawal and will re-appear in time to take the plaudits or to wind Mrs. F up even more.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I can start to get some relaxing back into the Festive break.  We just seem to have been on the go non stop. 

Christmas Morning Not The Start I Wanted

We departed our friends at about 2:35 in the morning.  As I approached the car I realised that I was, in fact, slipping down the hill on a sheet of ice.  Not good they live on quite a slope and carrying a box to the car, trying to retain my balance in new leather soled shoes - well, you can probably piece together the slow motion of the event.

At first it was slightly amusing as I started to veer away from everyone and then as I picked up speed and moved to retain balance realised that I was going down one way or another  The fact that I hit our friends car then fell into the road beside it may have been a good thing as I didn't career into the road itself!

There was lots of concern, of course, my injured pride and the annoyance of anyone who dared thought I may have drunk too much.  However, most were concerned that I hadn't broken anything and indeed, I don't appear to have done.  I landed about as gracefully as you can falling forward with the box in front of me which broke my fall, then on my knees and hands and smacked into the wheel of the car, gutter and kerb.  

I am very lucky as I just have bruised upper left arm, slight bruise to my left thigh and on the palms of my hands, again more on the left hand.  No grazes or cuts and no broken skin anywhere.  I was singularly unimpressed that the pavements (we walk on the pavement in the UK BTW - something lost in translation somehow) were left so bad, anyone older could have a broken hip or arm.  My friend managed that last year.    We tend to forget all about people and just look after the cars.

Christmas Day has gone well although I do find it a bit tiresome being with my sister-in-laws partner.  He really is a waste of Oxygen (and I'm being nice to him).  I'm very good that I share my Christmas with him and don't get him sectioned.  I have ever met such a total waste of space and he has the social skills of an amoeba and has quite the worst manners.  However, somehow we manage to "do our bit" for the environment and I suppose it is only once  year.  Unfortunately it isn't up to me, but if it were I would have to make an exception to "goodwill to ALL men" at this time of year.  It will be my turn to host him on Sunday but there will be more of us and we can amuse ourselves taking cheap shots at him :-)  I don't mean to be cruel but he doesn't like getting dragged along and makes that quite clear.  it is only my sister-in-law who doesn't get the message.  The things I do to keep the peace :-)

Oh well - it is Christmas after all.

Here we go

And the Honey roast Ham is cooked, and now carved up ready for three or four days worth of feasting. Mrs. F. and L are at Church and I am now ready to start my Christmas. I am ready to party and we are off to our long-term friends house to do just that - plenty of beer and lots of food.

Away Calories count half I think is the accepted rule and I am ignoring my normal diet and going onto the high cholesterol, high fat, one :-) Well may be not going that mad but for a few days I think I can let my hair down a bit. The New Year will see changes a plenty and I think I can let my self celebrate the end of a successful year which started badly with the infection from hell but got better.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Here we go the run into to the Festivities

Much as every year - my place is in the kitchen preparing but not so much this year - just the Honey Roasted Gammon. Normally we would have everyone over here on Christmas Day (I know not last year) but normally we do. With A skiing in France somewhere and not due back until the late evening of the 26th we have half postponed Christmas Day until the 27th so I will actually be back in the Kitchen on Boxing Day and the day after.

I enjoy cooking and somehow have fallen out of the habit since the girls no longer go to church with their mother. I used to prepare the Sunday lunch for their return but we don't always get a one meal together these days.

I'm doing remarkably well at the moment in terms of how well I feel in myself and although I am tired, I am managing to get through most days albeit with the occasional snooze on my favourite armchair. Things are going well but I need to go and get a blood test done but have today noticed that the quack hasn't signed the form or told me what sort of blood test to have (normal or fasting) so somehow I need that sorted out PDQ. I was hoping to go tomorrow as there would be few who would go other than those required to do so on Crhistams Eve. That plan is dashed.

Everything is ready, the presents all wrapped, the baking is done and all I need to do is get prepped up for tomorrow and then we start the festivities with a visit to our old friends who we have known for 18 or more years now. It is a shame that A will not be home again this year to see them as we all grew up together and spent a lot of time in each others company on holiday and at this time of year.

Sometime in the next day or two I will be giving thanks for once again making another Christmas that 3 1/2 years ago I never thought I would make.

Thanks to all who are trying to find a cure

I woke with a bit of a start this morning. You see - I had advanced to next April and in my dream was told that I'd have to go back onto BCG treatment. I wasn't happy and I wasn't dealing particularly well with that when I came around. Welcome to my world of doubt and uncertainty. Had it once and don't want it again but you never, ever know do you?

So today, I'm sat here and thinking to myself about all those people who research and practice in the field of cancer, prevention and cure and of course all of those in medical teams around the world who deal with cancer patients.

I think I'd like to say "hurry UP!" but they are working as fast as they can within the limits of funding and on the edge of medical science. So it isn't going to be a silver bullet but they do wonderful work and it changes lives. Then our medical teams and support personnel who treat each one of us the same and try and save everyone if they can.

I'd like to wish each and everyone of them from the bleeding edge scientist to the administrators, the consultants, nurses, doctors, janitors, orderlies and everyone a fabulous Christmas and New Year and thank them for all that they do for us. Keep up the good work, you save lives, it is noble work and really appreciated by those of us who have survived.