Carry your baggage

We went out yesterday to meet an old friend and had a great meal too.  Flocky and I got stuck in to some good nose bag and then the talk turned to experiences and the like.  All three of us have had "our troubles" and our experiences are useful knowledge for other people. 

It opened up the little portal into my mind once again last night and I'm just really pleased to be where I am but still get the survivor's syndrome - "why me?" 

I cannot get motivated today.  I need to get on and do some work but I just don't seem to get tucked in and do it.  It looks as if I will need Friday off to catch up with all the stuff I've got to do.

SO even now, 3 1/2 years or more after this all began I still find that I'm affected.  My mind and body aren't as fit and ready as I want them to be and my "will" which probably got me through this episode just seems to be taking a vacation at the moment.  Maybe the problems I give myself these days just aren't as challenging as fighting cancer.  That probably nails what I have been trying to say above...

Oh well here goes nothing

Work tomorrow and then a Lodge meeting preceded by a few glasses of wine.  Tuesday off to London to pick up the Treasurer's data from the outgoing treasurer.  Talking of which my last two years accounts need to be transferred to a new standard accounting style.  I think I can do that and then get them checked.  In the interim I am trying to schedule my time for the next 5 months!!!  

5 months to try and sort out a go to market strategy for our venture and fit that in around what can only be described as a crazy schedule of work, Lodge and new venture things.  I am out again for most of this week and it doesn't get any less hectic for about three weeks.  It looks to calm down for a few weeks and then goes silly again.  I really didn't realise that I had taken on so much this year.  

I have to tell the boss tomorrow what sort of schedule I think I am going to be on for the next month or so.   Not sure if they are going to buy it yet.  However, let's see.

Well - what going forward looks like

I thought I would be really wound up and ready to take on the world after agreeing last week that I was going to head up and get our project moving.  In fact I found myself a little nonplussed to tell the truth.  It struck me as strange but then perhaps I was somewhat surprised that they let me do this and was still a little in shock too.

My colleague came over today and we discussed some of the areas around what we need to do and discussed going forward.  I think that I will get a good handle on what I have to do to achieve this over the next few weeks.  I need to work out how to carve up my time to be effective at this and at my other work.  That I think I can condense and do in fits and starts as I can really crunch out the work there if I need to as I know the ropes etc.

I will get some sleep early tonight so I can run a full day's effort at this tomorrow.  I think I now need this challenge as without it I would just go native at work and I don't fancy doing that.  I'm back to my old ways agian of being bored in 18 months of my job.  How people can do the same job all their working lives is beyond me.  You don't learn anything or get challenged so what good is it? Probably it just pays the wages and I don't get that either.  I'm a bit strange like that...

It was good to see my mate today and I enjoyed his company.  We give each other a lift and that is important.  We have both lived through some interesting times and both have the same saying or "Well nobody died"!  Generally no one realises this and it just amazes me how many stupid arguments and petty bitching goes on.

Don't I ever stop bitching

I know, it seems to be a habit these days though.   I was staggered to find out that my counterpart was on a big figure more than I thought he would be.  In fact I am amazed considering what he brings to the role.  However, he is a nice guy etc.  I did think to myself that for the past 18 months or more I have been selling myself a little cheap - bu hadn't realised quite how cheap.

I'm not overly worried as I now have the opportunity to go and renegotiate I think.  I have so much work to do this next 5 months that I won't be able to fit it all in.  Saturday will be a defining moment I think.  I will work out what sort of timetable I will need to adopt to do two jobs at once.    Before BC it was easy to work on many projects at one time and to spread myself thinly but get results.  I worry that I may not be as good as that these days.  Time to try it out and see what I can manage.

A big day tomorrow - meeting a Portuguese Journalist about the family history, back home and then out for the big committee meeting to choose the next master of the Lodge.  It will be my last meeting as Secretary and I will be SO pleased to give it up in one way and yet will miss it dearly in another.  I've held the job right through my Bladder Cancer Journey and I'm quite pleased that I did.  The only down side was that I missed a number of visits however I am lucky that I eventually got to go to three Grand Stewards meetings during my time.  Not many can say that.

Better get off to bed I need my strength....

Leaving me cold

Another change that you may or may not have picked up from the blogs is that whilst I still have my Mr. Angry moments and also tell people how I feel quite directly these days, another behaviour has raised itself which I thought was strange.

I had a pretty serious meeting yesterday and tackled some heavy issues and normally when I fix things and get things sorted out I get a real buzz from doing it.  I am all enthusiastic and this time I just felt flat.  I actually feel that it is a defence mechanism of some kind.  It was peculiar earlier on just feeling that flat about something I should have been raving on about.

Mixed Emotions

Not like the sort where you see your Mother-in-Law drive over a cliff - in your new car....

More like the brain ache of working out how to do two jobs at once and get enough momentum into each to make sure you do a good job for them.  Additionally found out how much my peer makes a year and found that a hard pill to take.  It surprised me how much the job paid.  Good for him of course and it make my job all the easier now to negotiate a decent fee.

So today I am sat at home trying to figure out how best to tackle the two jobs at once syndrome.  Luckily my friend is around on Saturday and we can sit down and work that out.  It is a nightmare as I have lacked the discipline to sit down and get on with work for quite some time since I have been ill.  I can do it in short bursts but now need to apply myself to a number of months worth of this sort of thing.  It is a long burn and I have committed to 5 months of my time to make this happen (or not).  Today I am feeling somewhat down about that.  Tomorrow may well be different I expect.

I'm glad to be getting on with something but at the same time I am having just a few issues with the amount of time I need to put in.  It will be hard work - I just hope that I will enjoy it.  At the moment - I don't think I am but it will all change again in the morning.

Funny old mood

I can't say that I am in anything other than a funny old mood at the moment.  Work really sucks at the moment and I'm having trouble working out why I really need to be there at all.  People are still great but in reality - I just can't see myself lasting out there for much longer.  Maybe I don't need to.  

Tomorrow is a defining meeting in the other world of IT that I inhabit.  If I can get agreement on that, I can head off and do some serious work on getting our service to market.  We have all tried best endeavours but now it needs one or two of us to "step up to the plate" and do something rather than us being a talking shop and just spending our spare time (yea right - what spare time)  trying to do this and do our day jobs too.

If I get the go ahead tomorrow it will mean that I can devote some serious time to this project and that we can see if we can get investment to go forward.

Thinking back to Bertie now that he is dead you know he only really got to enjoy his life in the country in the two or three years before his death.  That is something that I hope doesn't happen to me.  I could do with a bit more than three years....

There's only so much you can take

It was boring and hot at the office and I finally gave in and left about 3:30, got to the station caught a fast train and was home within an hour of leaving.

I am sat here now staring at a load of figures and it still isn't making any sense to me.  I shall have to have anther clean break day and sit down and look at them afresh.

Out tonight, tomorrow night. Wednesday and Friday night too for my sins!  Another full on week and January just seems to have zipped past.

I have an importnat meeting tomorrow which will concentrate on my other business venture and I am hoping that I will be given Carte Blanche to run the next tranche of work.  It has taken everyone a year to realise that they aren't really up for it and so tomorrow we should agree that I take on most of the work and run with it to see if it is viable.  If we don't do this we run the very real risk of never having given the opportunity the chance to be born it deserves.  So if anyone has a quarter of a million (GBP) investment for the initial feasibility work, drop me a line - we need to talk :-) 

Bye Bye Bertie

Or Robert as I knew him. Worked together up until I was made redundant 3 years ago now. I had heard that there was something up last year but was saddened to see that he died around Christmas time. A Brain tumour apparently. How awful - he was a really clever guy and knew so much about the product and how to train and install it. It really is a sad loss, he was such a nice guy with it.

This probably accounts for the serious amount of brain activity I was going through last night, I was awake every half and hour or so and my mind was racing and dreams were coming in and out like trains at Clapham Junction!

At work now - and twiddling thumbs. Not a great deal has happened today and isn't likely to unless I go wake up a few people. I hate it when work goes flat like this. I get a good head of steam up and then nothing for a few days then full on and so on.

Family History

It was great to meet up with family again and then we all realised that it had been 2 and 3 years respectively since some of us met and it felt like it was only yesterday.  How amazing.  It was 9 years ago that I set up the family meet up in the first place.

We aren't a close family for some historical reason the paths split perhaps three geneations back and whilst I am now in touch with all my 2nd cousins, many of my third and some out as far as 6th cousins we still aren't anxious to meet up more than every now and then - perhaps a family trait?

Whatever, it was great to meet and catch up with all tht has happened and the family history was good, some nice lectures and I bought myself a bargain book which was originally £30 and I got it for under £10.  It is all about the reconstruction of the Cty of London after the Great Fire.  

I enjoyed getting to the place early, parking up and wandering into town to have a cooked breakfast and a cup of tea.  So much was on my plate that I lasted all day on it :-)  It was nice to have a mug of Café tea again - I don't often drink tea but I enjoyed that.

Some progress

I managed to make some progress today crashing through my paperwork.   The office is partly clear but really I should have done a bit more.  Unfortunately, I must have been on the phone for the best part of 2 hours with various phone calls and problems others have caused that  have to sort out for them.

I'm beginning to crystallise a plan of action to work part time and to get more involved in my other business.  It does need some fine balancing work to be done but I am certain I can do that given a little more time to work on it.

Tomorrow I am off to my family History Fair.  I hope to bump into my cousins and catch up on all that has happened in the past two years since I saw them.

Error - Hamster Makes Miraculous Recovery

I just found out that the Hamster made a miraculous recovery and so was taken back to its usual place in the bedroom this morning.  It was looking quite ill and was laying around gasping its last (or so we thought).  Even last night it didn't appear to be doing well when I saw it.

So a bit of a surprise there as it looked like the way all the rest went.....

Getting Started

Having a bit of trouble getting going this morning.  I want to get my office tidy and get my paperwork up to date.  Already had an interruption from the builder who is giving an estimate for our roof ridge tiles which have now become a pressing problem since the snow came and mucked them up.  We instructed a builder three months ago who just continually fails to turn up!  He's toast now and so we have looked to get a new guy involved.

Every time I sit down I find that something else needs doing.  I shall just have to get a coffee and start again and see if I can actually achieve anything this time.

It looks as if the Hamster died during the night.  The cage is nowhere to be seen this morning and I await the outcome of L's deliberations whether she will have another one.  She has had quite a few of them now and perhaps she may decide enough is enough.

A Flocky Treat and a sad evening

After the excesses of the night before Flocky called and we were going to go to the pub and run through some paperwork but the Curry House was open and we dived in there.  We were the only guests and we had some really excellent food.  I had a dish which came out sizzling using Pomfret Fish.  They said it was a local fish but looking it up it is a native of Indian, Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.  It was excellent though and the first time I have had any.  It will not be the last.

It is a sad evening as the Hamster is on his last legs and didn't look too good.  I feel very sad to see the little fellow gasping his last breath but we all have to go I suppose.  Stupid I know but something clicks inside and I really don't like death at all.  I mean, we all have to go and whilst I want that to be a long way off, it is on my mind and the I'm not sure what triggers the thought processes here.  You see I'm a little torn up by my daughter's pet dying and I think it because I am upset for her in case she is upset but she deals very matter of factly about these things.  I heard a friend died just after Christmas and I didn't know until after his funeral and yet whilst I was sad to hear that, I wasn't emotional about it.  He was a lot older, he had a full life, he retired a very long time ago and enjoyed his retirement and I met him 5 or 6 times a year and enjoyed his company.  It was a shame I didn't go to his funeral but I'm not beating myself up about that either.

I find my emotions are and what switches them on and off difficult to work out.  There are certain triggers in films and it is normally tragedy (kids killed or tortured, parents dying or that sort of thing - human or not).  Then again there are the little choking moments like seeing the Hamster gasping its last that make me feel uneasy.  Sometimes, it doesn't affect me at all.  The strangest thing about the last three and a half years or so is this emotional mixer.  I feel that someone has taken out my insides and stirred them all around and put me back together in the wrong order.

I'm at home again tomorrow and I am looking forward to actually making the family history weekend on Saturday up in London.  Not sure if I will drive or go by train this time.  Driving is quite nice and I can get there and then go and find a place for breakfast.  I didn't make last year and so haven't seen some of the family for 2 years!

A couple of days off

Regrouping required.  What is important?  Interesting turn of events this evening and quite privileged to be able to sit with some serious senior people in the overall scheme of things.

So - need to sort out a plan of attack.  This includes what to do with my business interests, the work at the Charity and further my interests.  In this respect do I go down the Livery Company route or perhaps pursue the possibility to further my ties into Masonry?  

So late home it is silly and the meal was late as the security was crazy (HRH Duke of Kent was in attendance) and tied right down.  I was seated with some amazing people and so just enjoyed the whole event but it was a late evening and really I could have got a Hotel as we caught the 11:36 out of Charing Cross and I got home about 00:40 eventually!!!

Anyway, how often do you get to days like this?  Not often in the overall scheme of things...

The trouble with heading off to work early is

That I put on the wrong pair of shoes in the dark and boy oh boy, am I paying for it now?  You cannot believe the cut I have across the back of my ankle/Achilles.  Typical, Ii staggered to the station on the way home and caught a bus back to near here and have a nice bloody mess there.  I can't believe I did that - my other shoes were well worn in too.  

Oh well - these things happen but not sure if I can walk far tomorrow - I'll see how I am in the morning and what shoes don't rub.  I certainly want to be fit for Wednesday.

I was out with a friend tonight and he drives me to distraction sometimes.  He has little money and yet he wants to spend a bucket load of cash he doesn't have doing something that - if I didn't have the money - I would drop.  He said that he has known me for years and that I am "good" with money.  He is right, I only bought what I could afford when I could afford it and I now don't have a mortgage (although I could have done without catching BC and getting paid off for that to do it).  I have no debt and if anything sometimes I wonder whether that was the right thing to do - especially when I thought I wouldn't be around long enough to spend any of it :-)

No he will spend it even if he hasn't got it on something that is in my opinion nice to do but it isn't essential to life!!!  I really don't get it but then he lives for the moment and the day and I imagine the bill will arrive one day and he will have to work out what to do about it.

If he is that desperate he can have my place I suppose but I hope he has gone away and thought about what I have said.  i doubt it but it would be nice if he did.  I cannot actually stop him doing this stuff - I'd like to but he wouldn't have it.

All I seem to have done this week

Is eat. I've been out lots of times and enjoyed food and drink and that isn't going to change this week as I am looking forward to attend the Grand Stewards' Lodge 275th Anniversary celebrations. It should be something very special indeed and who knows - I might even be around for their 300th?

After that I must knuckle down to some serious weight loss. I also need to catch up with a load of paperwork and so ought to talk to the boss about doing some part time work in the next few weeks. I have accounts to complete and other things to do which I just haven't completed.

I'm feeling well but as I was reminded, it isn't long now until I need to have my procedure in Hospital so about 8 or 10 weeks at the most. I was explaining that the decision isn't difficult to take as if I had been offered the course I have travelled this past 3 coming up to 4 years this July at time of diagnosis, I think I would have chosen this. I've had a remarkable journey to get here and I'm amazed that it is so long. We met with some old friends to day and G reminded me that we worked together close to 20 years ago. I was amazed I have to say it never seems that long ago.

Too busy to blog?

Afraid so.  Where did we leave this?  Oh yes, Wednesday evening and it is now Sunday morning.  Not a lot to report apart from being out every day since then and off out again in an hour to another do.  January has been a crazy month and I've been out almost every day.   I managed to work only half days down the week and so far, I haven't had the problems with the trains I thought I might do.  It must be related to the snow and to the experience I had all those years ago getting trapped on that train.

So I'm feeling a lot better at the moment.  I felt quite rotten about not getting into work but then I note that many people had the most horrible journeys and hardly did any work as they arrived at work to be told to go home early.  What is the point?

I did find out that if you do have an existing phobia then a major illness can make it worse in some cases.  

Not a lot more to say at the moment.  Because I am feeling so much better I'm in good spirits and whilst work is still pretty boring, I did get to do some strategy work that was really interesting.

Nice night out

A very dear friend and his wife invited us out for a drink and a curry tonight and we shared the same cruise ship with diametrically opposed destinations last year.  They hit the Caribbean and we did the Baltics - what a contrast but it was nice to catch up on what we all thought.

we trudged through the new layers of slush and ice to the pub and then to the curry house.

It was very nice but he is a naughty boy as he paid for the meal and I wasn't expecting that...

It was also interesting that we had a quick chat about the manifestation about my claustrophobia.  I read today that a long illness especially something traumatic or serious can intensify the whole thing.  It looks as if it can be treated through hypnotherapy or NLP or some other reprogramming of the brain.  What I was interested to see was that I don't have all the symptoms just some of them.  I wonder why that is?

I hope the trains are running in the morning - I could do with getting into work and getting some work done and attending my meeting at 12 too.

Not in at work

The snow came overnight and is still falling and I took one look and decided that discretion should be my watchword and not to put myself in a position to get stressed out.

I can review this later in the day as I really want to be in London on Thursday and Friday as I have meetings.  The amazing thing is that everyone is caught out again they didn't predict the weather over the weekend and they suggested a dusting.   We got a bit more than that and the car isn't coming off the drive!

Mind you things could be worse - let's consider the poor population in Haiti coming to terms with an Earthquake.