Familiar Pattern Emerging

Maybe I cannot commit to working for someone longer than 18 months (perhaps I am self fulfilling my prophecy). I am SO ANGRY at the moment. I'm upset with the people at work who can't let go and have to keep poking their noses in. When I let them take over they hand it back to me in a worse condition than I gave it to them. Then there are all the stupid crass like things that people do and say and that just rattles me too. I know I should rise above it but this goes back to "no one died" statements.

People are so vacuous and full of sh1t sometimes and so goddamn petty.

I am however quite concerned that I am getting really angry at silly things and I actually find myself taking time away from work because they will make me explode if they carry this nonsense on any longer. Prime examples of sending me off doing work that it is blindingly obvious will not be acted upon and only paying lip service to the need to change and move the business forward. I find it quite amusing that I am the only person who calls the organisation autocratic. I wrote an article, that needs changing, they have the original file, how come they can't change it themselves. No they send an e-mail with the change required so that I can change it and send an email back to them attaching the file?

It's me isn't it - I'm wrong? Honestly though it just makes my blood boil that everything relies on one person to approve it, you get things to happen and they jeopardize it by taking it to committee - just like I knew they would and that they said they wouldn't.

Arggh :-)

So there you go, I'm pretty much p1ssed off with the whole world at the moment. everyone can go to hell for a while and somewhere I need to rearrange everything to get myself back to normal being able to deal with all the numpties around me. At present I am spiralling down into the depths of a black depression and the vortex is speeding up so that getting out is proving more difficult than normal. I can't say exactly what it is that set this off but I just find that everything at the moment is too difficult to deal with...

I think that I need work to realise that I am just about to go into switch off mode - my own protective mode - soon. That means, I just stop doing anything, come home and ignore everything for a while. It concerns me because I recognise these symptoms because of my particular personality type in quickly dismissing those who don't pull their weight or for whom I lose respect. If you lose my respect you really had better watch out as it takes a lot to rebuild it with me, it can be done.

This has all sharpened up since I got ill though.

What was this blog about?

Oh yes - Bladder Cancer.  I reckon I need to get back on track with this so it may go quiet for a short while whilst I do that.

Currently I am having a bad (tempered) week and feel like shouting at all the flaming idiots I appear to have been blessed with so maybe a day or two off to calm down and I can get my head back on track and this blog back to the point.  Mind you, I think a lot of this is all about recovering from cancer and I must be a lot better as all I want to do is leave this job and go and do something that might use more than the  0.0000001% of my brain that is currently occupied at work.

Distrubed Nights and Stange Days

I had a bit of a strop on today at work.  I should know better than to realise that everyone wants to get involved in my little project and the boss had to have loads of paperwork off me that I hadn't even prepared yet.  I just can't see what the purpose of asking me to do something and then taking it off me has to do with being productive. 

So my retaliation is to take the rest of the week off after tomorrow lunchtime.  If they want to get involved then they may as well get fully involved in it.  So I was pretty much seething today.  The girls made a telling statement today, they suggested that I "wasn't going to be around long and was withdrawing myself from the organisation (and them)".  That is pretty much it I think.  I really am struggling to keep engaged in the work as everyone pokes their bloody noses into what I do.

As for disturbed nights - I suppose hearing about my colleague's problems with his daughter being attacked at Uni disturbed my sleep and I imagine thinking about work didn't help either.  I woke loads of times during the night and that has affected me a lot to day as well.  I am off to bed early to see if I can catch up.

Other than that, I am hoping to sort out my priorities in the next week or two.  I didn't want to have the job go sour on me but I'm not making the difference any-more, that has already happened.  Perhaps someone else needs to do that.

Burns night

Well almost all day and all night!  2 am I got in and we started drinking about 1:30 pm.  We had  a great day and obviously a brilliant evening too.  The Scots lads were down but not in force as the recession has seriously affected business there.  As I left one of them stole my tie - I doubt he can wear it outside of Kent though :-)

I was a bit slow this morning for sure.  I've been struggling with some accounts and I started to transfer them to a new set of accounting sheets but found that the transfer threw out all my figures.  I have had to keep the old ones for now but will use the new ones this financial year.  Typical thing though, they asked me to use them but none of the calculations on the sheets work.

Another full on week this week coming and trying to sort out time with my team is proving to be a distinct nightmare.

I was asked how I was by lots of people I haven't seen for a while.  Nice to hear "Your'e looking really well" etc.  Long may that continue.

I have just ordered the DVD of this film Tony a London Serial Killer Why?  Well it is my 6th cousin once removed in the starring role and another cousin directed it.  My brother's name is Tony so the family secret is out.  It looks to be an interesting film if not quite my thing.

All day stuffing envelopes

Only this lot and one more to go and I'll have done my 6 years of being Secretary of the Lodge and Flocky can take over.  It's OK but this one is particularly heavy as it has individual subscription requests that need to go in the right envelope.  It used to be worse as everyone used to be sent stuff by post but about half now get emailed versions which takes me about 15 minutes to prepare and send.  If only I could get everyone to agree it would be brilliant.

I only realised quite recently that I took on the job shortly before I got ill.   I'm quite impressed with myself now realising that I carried on throughout although, on more than one occasion had to miss visiting some other Lodges due to treatments or hospital visits.  

I need to get them all out tomorrow or by the latest Sunday.  In addition I have been asked to sort out the accounts by next weekend.  That was OK until I realised that the spreadsheets they gave me aren't linked which means a bit more time and effort to sort out.  I wouldn't mind but my originals were fine ( I thought) now they have to be messed about to get them into someone else's style.

I'm out tomorrow to a Burns Night preceded by a Lodge Night.  The lads come down from Scotland bringing a rather tasty Haggis with them.  The trouble is that it is a boozy night and I can get back late.  Additionally we leave at lunch time tomorrow and I guess we will get back around 2 in the morning!!  Mind you it is a good evening.

An evening with ... Colin Blunstone

How bizarre an evening was that?  The lads called off the drinks evening and I was expecting a quiet night in when one of my mates phoned me up and suggested we see if we could get into a gig that was happening locally.

We got there and lo and behold it was Colin Blunstone (Zombies, Argent, Alan Parsons Project etc) and his new band and it was just brilliant - up close and personal.  A small intimate set perhaps 70 to 100 of us at most.  I really enjoyed it too.  At the end he played one of my all time favourites which I am not allowed to have at my funeral even though I want it.  I know - morbid but I thought like that a long time ago.

I listened to this leading up to my first operation and it still moves me and tonight I didn't get all sentimental at all, just enjoyed it for what it is - one of the great songs from one of the most productive periods in modern music history.  Not to mention the other hits they did.  However - this one is so haunting and just summed up lots of how I felt 3 and a half years ago.  

I can be a silly bugger sometimes :-)

Flocky and the toast that nearly choked me

You should not laugh at the afflicted - let's get that straight right here and now.  I therefore apologise unreservedly for doing so on this occasion.  No offence was meant by it at all.

We were at a Lodge meeting enjoying the meal and there are a series of toasts that go on after the meal.  One, to the Provincial Grand Master, is a particularly special one.  The Worshipful Master of our Lodge has a few problems pronouncing long and seemingly complicated words and can never say my name properly and also has a lisp on the letter "R" which come out as a "W".

So the PGM is called Roger.  He gets everyone to stand up and drink a toast to "Woger" and from behind me I hear in a stage whisper from young Flocky Bicep "Two Woger!"

If, like me, you enjoyed Monty Python's Life of Brian, you can probably imagine the problem I was confronted with.  I already had wine in my mouth when I heard the Word "Woger" and I was struggling to make sure that I didn't spray red wine over the chap opposite me.  I looked left and my neighbour gave me a sheepish grin and I lost complete control.  Tears streamed down my face, I was gagging trying not to burst out laughing and had to stuff a napkin in my mouth to stop myself yelling out loud and going into complete hysterics.  I almost had to go out of the room it was so funny.  The trouble is with a fit of the giggles that anything that follows sets you up so the next announcement was to the "wisitors".  The harder I tried not to laugh the worse it got.

I was in such a mess I can't tell you but I don't think I have laughed so much for years.  It really hurt my ribs and every time I looked at my mates it just got worse.

So thanks Flocky for that - I haven't laughed so much for years and years.  

Carry your baggage

We went out yesterday to meet an old friend and had a great meal too.  Flocky and I got stuck in to some good nose bag and then the talk turned to experiences and the like.  All three of us have had "our troubles" and our experiences are useful knowledge for other people. 

It opened up the little portal into my mind once again last night and I'm just really pleased to be where I am but still get the survivor's syndrome - "why me?" 

I cannot get motivated today.  I need to get on and do some work but I just don't seem to get tucked in and do it.  It looks as if I will need Friday off to catch up with all the stuff I've got to do.

SO even now, 3 1/2 years or more after this all began I still find that I'm affected.  My mind and body aren't as fit and ready as I want them to be and my "will" which probably got me through this episode just seems to be taking a vacation at the moment.  Maybe the problems I give myself these days just aren't as challenging as fighting cancer.  That probably nails what I have been trying to say above...

Oh well here goes nothing

Work tomorrow and then a Lodge meeting preceded by a few glasses of wine.  Tuesday off to London to pick up the Treasurer's data from the outgoing treasurer.  Talking of which my last two years accounts need to be transferred to a new standard accounting style.  I think I can do that and then get them checked.  In the interim I am trying to schedule my time for the next 5 months!!!  

5 months to try and sort out a go to market strategy for our venture and fit that in around what can only be described as a crazy schedule of work, Lodge and new venture things.  I am out again for most of this week and it doesn't get any less hectic for about three weeks.  It looks to calm down for a few weeks and then goes silly again.  I really didn't realise that I had taken on so much this year.  

I have to tell the boss tomorrow what sort of schedule I think I am going to be on for the next month or so.   Not sure if they are going to buy it yet.  However, let's see.

Well - what going forward looks like

I thought I would be really wound up and ready to take on the world after agreeing last week that I was going to head up and get our project moving.  In fact I found myself a little nonplussed to tell the truth.  It struck me as strange but then perhaps I was somewhat surprised that they let me do this and was still a little in shock too.

My colleague came over today and we discussed some of the areas around what we need to do and discussed going forward.  I think that I will get a good handle on what I have to do to achieve this over the next few weeks.  I need to work out how to carve up my time to be effective at this and at my other work.  That I think I can condense and do in fits and starts as I can really crunch out the work there if I need to as I know the ropes etc.

I will get some sleep early tonight so I can run a full day's effort at this tomorrow.  I think I now need this challenge as without it I would just go native at work and I don't fancy doing that.  I'm back to my old ways agian of being bored in 18 months of my job.  How people can do the same job all their working lives is beyond me.  You don't learn anything or get challenged so what good is it? Probably it just pays the wages and I don't get that either.  I'm a bit strange like that...

It was good to see my mate today and I enjoyed his company.  We give each other a lift and that is important.  We have both lived through some interesting times and both have the same saying or "Well nobody died"!  Generally no one realises this and it just amazes me how many stupid arguments and petty bitching goes on.

Don't I ever stop bitching

I know, it seems to be a habit these days though.   I was staggered to find out that my counterpart was on a big figure more than I thought he would be.  In fact I am amazed considering what he brings to the role.  However, he is a nice guy etc.  I did think to myself that for the past 18 months or more I have been selling myself a little cheap - bu hadn't realised quite how cheap.

I'm not overly worried as I now have the opportunity to go and renegotiate I think.  I have so much work to do this next 5 months that I won't be able to fit it all in.  Saturday will be a defining moment I think.  I will work out what sort of timetable I will need to adopt to do two jobs at once.    Before BC it was easy to work on many projects at one time and to spread myself thinly but get results.  I worry that I may not be as good as that these days.  Time to try it out and see what I can manage.

A big day tomorrow - meeting a Portuguese Journalist about the family history, back home and then out for the big committee meeting to choose the next master of the Lodge.  It will be my last meeting as Secretary and I will be SO pleased to give it up in one way and yet will miss it dearly in another.  I've held the job right through my Bladder Cancer Journey and I'm quite pleased that I did.  The only down side was that I missed a number of visits however I am lucky that I eventually got to go to three Grand Stewards meetings during my time.  Not many can say that.

Better get off to bed I need my strength....

Leaving me cold

Another change that you may or may not have picked up from the blogs is that whilst I still have my Mr. Angry moments and also tell people how I feel quite directly these days, another behaviour has raised itself which I thought was strange.

I had a pretty serious meeting yesterday and tackled some heavy issues and normally when I fix things and get things sorted out I get a real buzz from doing it.  I am all enthusiastic and this time I just felt flat.  I actually feel that it is a defence mechanism of some kind.  It was peculiar earlier on just feeling that flat about something I should have been raving on about.

Mixed Emotions

Not like the sort where you see your Mother-in-Law drive over a cliff - in your new car....

More like the brain ache of working out how to do two jobs at once and get enough momentum into each to make sure you do a good job for them.  Additionally found out how much my peer makes a year and found that a hard pill to take.  It surprised me how much the job paid.  Good for him of course and it make my job all the easier now to negotiate a decent fee.

So today I am sat at home trying to figure out how best to tackle the two jobs at once syndrome.  Luckily my friend is around on Saturday and we can sit down and work that out.  It is a nightmare as I have lacked the discipline to sit down and get on with work for quite some time since I have been ill.  I can do it in short bursts but now need to apply myself to a number of months worth of this sort of thing.  It is a long burn and I have committed to 5 months of my time to make this happen (or not).  Today I am feeling somewhat down about that.  Tomorrow may well be different I expect.

I'm glad to be getting on with something but at the same time I am having just a few issues with the amount of time I need to put in.  It will be hard work - I just hope that I will enjoy it.  At the moment - I don't think I am but it will all change again in the morning.

Funny old mood

I can't say that I am in anything other than a funny old mood at the moment.  Work really sucks at the moment and I'm having trouble working out why I really need to be there at all.  People are still great but in reality - I just can't see myself lasting out there for much longer.  Maybe I don't need to.  

Tomorrow is a defining meeting in the other world of IT that I inhabit.  If I can get agreement on that, I can head off and do some serious work on getting our service to market.  We have all tried best endeavours but now it needs one or two of us to "step up to the plate" and do something rather than us being a talking shop and just spending our spare time (yea right - what spare time)  trying to do this and do our day jobs too.

If I get the go ahead tomorrow it will mean that I can devote some serious time to this project and that we can see if we can get investment to go forward.

Thinking back to Bertie now that he is dead you know he only really got to enjoy his life in the country in the two or three years before his death.  That is something that I hope doesn't happen to me.  I could do with a bit more than three years....

There's only so much you can take

It was boring and hot at the office and I finally gave in and left about 3:30, got to the station caught a fast train and was home within an hour of leaving.

I am sat here now staring at a load of figures and it still isn't making any sense to me.  I shall have to have anther clean break day and sit down and look at them afresh.

Out tonight, tomorrow night. Wednesday and Friday night too for my sins!  Another full on week and January just seems to have zipped past.

I have an importnat meeting tomorrow which will concentrate on my other business venture and I am hoping that I will be given Carte Blanche to run the next tranche of work.  It has taken everyone a year to realise that they aren't really up for it and so tomorrow we should agree that I take on most of the work and run with it to see if it is viable.  If we don't do this we run the very real risk of never having given the opportunity the chance to be born it deserves.  So if anyone has a quarter of a million (GBP) investment for the initial feasibility work, drop me a line - we need to talk :-) 

Bye Bye Bertie

Or Robert as I knew him. Worked together up until I was made redundant 3 years ago now. I had heard that there was something up last year but was saddened to see that he died around Christmas time. A Brain tumour apparently. How awful - he was a really clever guy and knew so much about the product and how to train and install it. It really is a sad loss, he was such a nice guy with it.

This probably accounts for the serious amount of brain activity I was going through last night, I was awake every half and hour or so and my mind was racing and dreams were coming in and out like trains at Clapham Junction!

At work now - and twiddling thumbs. Not a great deal has happened today and isn't likely to unless I go wake up a few people. I hate it when work goes flat like this. I get a good head of steam up and then nothing for a few days then full on and so on.

Family History

It was great to meet up with family again and then we all realised that it had been 2 and 3 years respectively since some of us met and it felt like it was only yesterday.  How amazing.  It was 9 years ago that I set up the family meet up in the first place.

We aren't a close family for some historical reason the paths split perhaps three geneations back and whilst I am now in touch with all my 2nd cousins, many of my third and some out as far as 6th cousins we still aren't anxious to meet up more than every now and then - perhaps a family trait?

Whatever, it was great to meet and catch up with all tht has happened and the family history was good, some nice lectures and I bought myself a bargain book which was originally £30 and I got it for under £10.  It is all about the reconstruction of the Cty of London after the Great Fire.  

I enjoyed getting to the place early, parking up and wandering into town to have a cooked breakfast and a cup of tea.  So much was on my plate that I lasted all day on it :-)  It was nice to have a mug of Café tea again - I don't often drink tea but I enjoyed that.

Some progress

I managed to make some progress today crashing through my paperwork.   The office is partly clear but really I should have done a bit more.  Unfortunately, I must have been on the phone for the best part of 2 hours with various phone calls and problems others have caused that  have to sort out for them.

I'm beginning to crystallise a plan of action to work part time and to get more involved in my other business.  It does need some fine balancing work to be done but I am certain I can do that given a little more time to work on it.

Tomorrow I am off to my family History Fair.  I hope to bump into my cousins and catch up on all that has happened in the past two years since I saw them.

Error - Hamster Makes Miraculous Recovery

I just found out that the Hamster made a miraculous recovery and so was taken back to its usual place in the bedroom this morning.  It was looking quite ill and was laying around gasping its last (or so we thought).  Even last night it didn't appear to be doing well when I saw it.

So a bit of a surprise there as it looked like the way all the rest went.....

Getting Started

Having a bit of trouble getting going this morning.  I want to get my office tidy and get my paperwork up to date.  Already had an interruption from the builder who is giving an estimate for our roof ridge tiles which have now become a pressing problem since the snow came and mucked them up.  We instructed a builder three months ago who just continually fails to turn up!  He's toast now and so we have looked to get a new guy involved.

Every time I sit down I find that something else needs doing.  I shall just have to get a coffee and start again and see if I can actually achieve anything this time.

It looks as if the Hamster died during the night.  The cage is nowhere to be seen this morning and I await the outcome of L's deliberations whether she will have another one.  She has had quite a few of them now and perhaps she may decide enough is enough.