A Strange Place Indeed

I'm in the strangest of places.  I'd like to consider myself on the road tor recovery and I also obversely feel that I'm back on the road to mediocrity as well.   So what do I mean?

Working for a global conglomerate appeals in as much as I will get a big salary and a nice car and all the trappings that go with a top 10 job.  I've earn't it, I deserve it, I can deliver and so on etc.  I can get a really nice salary and pension and I could get myself a decent living out of it but actually is that REALLY what I want?  I don't know at all but it will set in motion some interesting scenarios.  Take this evening as a case in point./  It is 11:20 as I write this.  Mrs. F. is knackered and dog tired.  She's been doing some private work and came and collected me from my meeting and I'd been in the bar - it's cheat day and so beer is on the menu!  She is in bed, I'm like a live wire.  This is a problem! We aren't even on the same wave length as she is asleep and I'd like to party all night.

She's got some Church Service to go to in the morning and so another day will go by without us talking or seeing each other.  Problem?  Of course it is.  She's awake when I'm asleep and I'm awake when she is asleep.  

I fear any new job I have will just widen that gap and make it untenable.  I find the Irony that everyone wants me to go and get a job and do what I'm great at will inevitably lead to a complete destruction of family life as it did in the past.   You see I loved my past life and the lifestyle I had - I enjoyed a lifestyle that you could only dream of.  I doubt that my family could reflect in that apart from the "rewards" that come from it.

I hate the idea of taking on a great job which results in my happiness but no one else's!

Technology - Slowly Getting There

I've signed up for and now got electronic access to my Doctor - so repeat prescriptions can be done on-line and then just picked up from my Pharmacist around the corner.  Later they are threatening to have online booking of appointments too - excellent news.  I've just requested my prescription so let's see how it goes.

They'll be wanting to see me soon too of course as will the Hospital for a check up I've no doubt. 

I'm feeling much better these days and even feeling better about going for this job.  I've a weekend now to make up my mind what to do about the other two jobs.  I'd rather not work for any of them but given that I probably should build up some retirement funds I suppose it is the easiest way to achieve it.  

Of course if nothing comes of one and I don't try for the others!?  It's the dilemma that we all face but nothing ventured noting gained so to speak.  After meeting the people yesterday I quite like the feeling of being back in Corporate life - I did enjoy some (not all) of it when I was there some years ago.  

I'm hoping to build on my energy levels and get cracking with the other things sitting around here at home and accounts need to be sorted, company closed down and other stuff.

I've got loads of stuff I could get on with but of course it's setting priorities and getting myself motivated.  I think I've got some enthusiasm back and I've the holiday coming up and so I should be able to motivate myself sufficiently and also put sufficient pressure on as well.

Charged Today - Really Up!

I think on reflection and also chatting to my business partner this morning I noticed how up-beat I was and that I was talking faster and more animated.  I'd reflected on how I'd done at the interview and I feel that I gave a pretty good account of myself - I was certainly "me" and was able to inject a little humour and also some passion into proceedings.  I actually think that's the best interview I've done as I was at ease, assured and had most of the answers or an opinion or a view on things.

I was working the room, answering the question with one of the interviewers and then inviting the other to agree or to buy in to what I was saying.  I forget how good (and modest) I am.  I tend to look at others as superiors when in fact they are peers at best and I just altered my attitude yesterday - I played a blinder as they say and with a few minor things that I may have done better it all worked rather well and I got on famously with the pair of interviewers and one who was also an INTJ and I got on like a house on fire as he was already very much on my wave length.

It's really good to feel good inside and all charged up and it sort of carried through to the meal and the company I met.  I met a lovely lady yesterday who worked in a charity and we had a long chat about things - she used to work at University College Hospital London which is next to UCL where I'd worked some 25 years ago :-)

It's funny though that today I'm really charged, animated and quite excited.  I hope I've done enough now to get to the next stage of proceedings - but let's see.

Miserable day but seemed to go alright

It was a damp and miserable day - misty and it appeared to me to take the sharp creases out of my suit that I had carefully ironed.  I got to the meeting in good time though and walked into their stunning offices and was greeted by superb front of house staff and well looked after and put at my ease.  The interview was fine apart from the bit that there may be another set of interviews and assessments to go through - that was less happy :-)

Went on to lunchtimers and that was late but managed to be a good boy and only eat what was on my diet.  Plenty of red wine and home in deteriorating weather - you could hardly see the Shard in the mist and rain.

My George Foreman Grill and Griddle has arrived which looks to be a lot bigger than I thought.  I'm hoping to use it a lot for my diet - I don't like frying food too much and this will give me the option of grilling things like bacon and chicken and griddling eggs etc.  Anyway, will see how that goes.  I need to make a decision about whether to go for these other jobs.  I think I might just do a shot to nothing on one of them and see where I get to.  The other is sort of dependent on how things progress with this job I'm about (or thought I was) 5/6ths of the way through the process!  I could be 5/8ths through it - irritating but there you go.  

Helpful Delay

I have to say I dislike travelling in peak times and to get to the interview it would have been travelling right in the middle of rush hour.  However, I got a call and the interview has gone back well over and an hour and that gives me plenty of time to get up, get fed and watered and ready to go.  It also means I won't be hanging around for ages waiting as I have another meeting a little later in the day so that now gives me about an hour to get there.  That's excellent and I can take my time to get there.

Not sure about getting back and whether I'll stay up in town and have a few drinks or not - probably not if I can help it.

I've spoken to our accountant today and have downloaded the paperwork to wind down our business.  After 15 years it really isn't going to be worth hanging on to it and I might as well let the business disappear and the web site - which is up for renewal later this year - can just fade away along with the email and everything else.  

Like Buses

One day you wait and wait and then three come along at once.  Jobs - so finally I get to have my 5th of 6th Interview in the process and with any luck we can move things on a bit now.

Then there's another job that's come along that I may be interested in that needs a CV in by end of next week and then an old friend called with a possible position that sounds right up my street and so that too is a possibility.  It's a numbers game and I reckon that I will see how this goes and then approach the other two next week with a view to seeing if I can get an interview (at least) for either of them.  Mind you they wont pay nearly as much as this one.

I'm in good shape both head and body wise but trying on my suits I still can't get into the ones I was in this time last year and so even more effort will be needed to lose weight.  I'm doing OK but things tend to slow down around about now - I just need to keep the faith and carry on with the diet - it is working but of course it is slowing down a bit now compared to the early weight loss.  

I'm contemplating closing down the business I've run for 15 years and just shutting down shop and having done with that - I imagine I'd need to do that anyway.  This leaves me to then have my plan B in place for the other potential businesses I would set up if these three opportunities come to nothing.

So tomorrow I will be pouring over my CV and getting ready for my interview and hoping that they don't ask anything too difficult especially as I've been out of some areas for a number of years.

Lots Going On

A crazy week - I had the dentist and finished that course of treatment off and then did some more work for my Brother-In-Law finishing off some furniture he has built in.  I've almost completed my music library with track listing, album and artist pictures etc.  That's taken ages.  My weight has dropped off nicely and I'm on the way down towards 16 Stone having lost around 2 stone or so.  Clothes are starting to fit and I actually look slimmer which is great.

Mrs. F. had disappointment when work wouldn't allow her a full week off mainly because a number of staff have booked odd days off to complete their holiday allocation.  Anyway, that's been resolved and so we are off to Sorrento in Italy for a week.  We have made up a package on-line of flight and hotel and we hope to do a bit of touring of the area.  We were initially going to Sicily or one of the Mediterranean Islands but fancied a bit of touring around as well.

We went out on Sunday and so I delayed cheat day until then - lucky I did as we had afternoon tea which actually brought about a sugar rush and sweat on me  :-)  All those jams and cream and cakes were great but as always the next day I feel horrible in the morning and I managed to drag myself out of my bed a little later than usual and almost had to force feed myself.

Feeling somewhat up and down though this morning - sure that's to do a bit with cheat day as it totally unbalances my body and also I STILL haven't heard from the company that I'm meant to have an interview with on Thursday - you can't make it up it's been a series of mini disasters :-)  

Interesting - So Where's The Confirmation

So I know I have an interview at 09:30 on the 7th March - that's cool.  I know that it is at London Bridge - OK.  However I have no idea who it is with or the address I'm meant to attend because the promised email hasn't arrived as of yet.  It was meant to be with me an hour or so after we talked.  Of course, they didn't leave me a number or name to contact which is a bit disappointing!  This is a world class company and yet this HR process has been the worst I've ever seen.  I've seen some bad ones too of course but this is just horrendous.  Let's hope they sort themselves out quickly.  Maybe it's a trade test to see if I can work out where to go on no information.

I have the Dentist in the morning for the last set of fillings (re-doing old ones) and then I have an afternoon's work with my Brother-In-Law probably cleaning and emptying the flat that he was working on prior to the people moving in on Friday.  It will give me something to do whilst my mouth de-numbs itself.

Interview - at last

What has it been? Six weeks - must be - since I did the last interview.  Now I have an interview coming up in a week and a bit - handy as I'm already due up to London for the day so that will fit in nicely.

This should then leave one more should I get through this one.  I reckon that it has been a good 6 months to sort this out!  Oh well - at least I'm 2/3 rds the way through the process and I should fit into my suit for next week :-)

Change - no one really likes it

Being diagnosed with Cancer is a life altering thing.  For some it is a lot worse than that.  For me, it meant tackling head on a number of areas of my life, life style and attitude.  Having come out of the end (I hope) of it I'm changed in a number of ways.  An example was on Saturday I had my Lodge meeting where I am the Master this year.  I decided to relax and just let the meeting happen and it all went off rather well I thought.  I had no real fear or nerves this time I'd decided that there was nothing there to be afraid of and whatever I did, I was also at the mercy of a number of others.

So Change?  People dislike change and fight against it all the time.  I've changed and I've a hankering for change but no one wants to change.  I can understand this but it is now stopping me changing or doing what I want to do.  The problems include that my interests are so widely diverse now and Mrs. F really isn't into music, sport and history and neither is she into going out that much or seeing concerts and my sort of films aren't her sort of films, my music is nothing like her tastes and neither is my literary interests in any way shape or form similar.  See the problem?  There's nothing binding us together.  We don't fight or not get on but because we don't even watch the same TV or do the same things it makes things a bit difficult.  

Getting over Cancer is a little bit like being born again except you don't have to go to school and so on.  You realise that some things that were important just aren't, that some things are important that you didn't think were and you realise finally that you are mortal and not a superhero with super powers (any longer).  Life is pretty damn precious when you've seen your own demise and I guess seeing my father die last year also suggested that perhaps I needed to look at life a bit differently.

This is the most difficult thing I've had to deal with for some time as I feel as if I'm walking on egg shells, I don't want to screw things up by explaining things in the straight and direct manner I'm used to in case it all goes horribly wrong.  So I'm trying like mad to work on ways to explain and then work out some sort of solution or solutions.  The trouble is, I'm not going to get someone who likes Cliff Richard to like Metallica or who likes Agatha Christie to enjoy Tolstoy and whilst we always had our differences in these areas it feels like a gulf now where before the filling was building a home and then having children it now appears to be that there are very few things that bind us together.  Oh well - I'm still working at it :-)

My weight loss is still going well and I can get into my waistcoats (just) now.  I'm down below the 17 Stone barrier now and still heading downwards.  

Bizarre Week

It's been a strange week in many ways and I enjoyed doing some work although my back and legs hurt like hell and suddenly I realised how unfit I was after carrying materials up and down an astonishingly small spiral staircase :-)  Anyway, the work is done, a visit to the Dentist means that I can now chew on both sides of my mouth too.

I was in a funny old place on Tuesday - I was just amazed at how nasty people are.  I was reading some supposed scientists having a go at each other.  They weren't looking at the work they'd churned out and arguing whether it was or was not proven etc - no they were having a hair pulling cat fight in public.  What's the point?  Get your point across without being personal.  The irony is I think I ought to call the Tossers for doing it anyway :-)

Gosh it's cold outside - temperature dropping snow flurrying around too :-(  I've got to go out in this later - I feel a bus ride coming on rather than walking it today...

Purpose

What's the meaning of it all?  Somehow I've asked myself this question a LOT of times.  The vastness of the Universe and the loose grip we hold on to our existence on this planet.  What is the purpose and the meaning of it all and how can we make sense (if we are to) of it all?

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what on earth I'm doing here on this planet at all and exactly what is the grand purpose of life itself.  

It's all getting heavy isn't it? :-)  I mean there are some fundamental things happening here and I very much doubt anyone has any real idea of our purpose and what on earth is going on.  

I really don't get life at all at the moment.  Why we live the way we do, how downright nasty people are to each other and the lack of tolerance and charity.  The huge rifts in the way people behave and at the end of the journey, after everyone has been nice or nasty they all get to go to heaven - really?  That's what it's all about?

I don't get why so many things in this world are the way they are, why people act the way the do when, in the end, we are all going to end up equal anyway...

I'll end it there, my head is hurting with questions of the Universe and what if... :-)

Funny Waking Dreams

I have the most amazing dream sequences. This morning's one was hilarious as the phone went and  it was the company who haven't got back to me yet (20 days and counting).  The lady on the end of the phone called a halt to the process as they needed someone by Mid March.  So I said that's fine because I'm available now.  That's when it got really bizarre as that answer wasn't good enough and she kept saying that I had to be available in mid March which I kept assuring her that I was and even if I was available now I would still be available in mid March :-)  Eventually, she gave up the argument and the phone went quiet and I kept saying I know you are there I can hear you breathing :-)  Then I woke up :-)

Mmm.  Perhaps I'm just getting to that point in proceedings where I just kick all these "opportunities" into touch and get on with something else?  I'm not in a bad place at all at the moment and feel quite well.  I have some more visits to the dentist to go through but by the end of next week that will be over (I think).  Certainly this tooth being extracted has now solved the sinus and my ear problem!  So a few fillings to go and we can move on from that.  

I have my mum coming down for a week which will be nice and also Mrs. F and I are planning a week away in the not too distant future.  Not quite our Grand Tour of Italy but certainly a relax and chill week away to recharge.

Careful What You Wish For

I said I needed a good nights sleep - well 12 hours worth was a bit more than I expected - I got up at about 11 am !!! That's half the day gone.  I still had to have breakfast of course and will just push my meals back a few hour.  It completely messes your time clock of course but there you go - I obviously needed the sleep.

I'm wondering whether to put myself forward for another tortuous go at a job in London and I'm not sure I want to go through it for the third time but perhaps I may just do an application to nowhere a hit and devil be damned what the outcome may be.  

The ongoing saga of getting rid of the Piano may be coming to a close as I have someone else interested and so I can push a bit harder to get it out of my garage and on to somewhere new.  

It also looks that my Mum may come down and see us in March which will be nice.  So some good news there - I can pick her up when I go there and we can have a week of her company. 

Yes - Cheat Day

I enjoyed cheat day today I didn't have too much to drink nor too much to eat and was able to indulge in many forbidden fruits.  Tomorrow is back to normal but that's OK - I almost prefer my diet food now that I am used to it.

Feeling OK at the moment, my tooth is behaving itself and - or rather the hole where my tooth once was.  Interestingly my ear, which has been giving me problems for a while has settled down - coincidence - perhaps but it is on the same side and adjacent?  The little sinus blister thing has gone down too and so I'm hopeful that the right thing has been done.

In some ways I'm feeling confident about the future and happy in myself.  I'm not certain about my relationships with other people that matter to me and I just need to check these things out and make sure I'm "OK" with them.

Off to bed shortly and hope to get a good night's sleep - something I haven't had for a few nights.

Scene From The Godfather

I woke to find that my mouth had bled overnight and to some rather large (looked much worse than it was) blood stains.  So a quick gather up of pillow and cases and covers and dumped into water to soak!  

After a quick gargle it must have been me favouring the gap in my teeth overnight but at least it wasn't bleeding this morning and a wash out was all that was required.

My face still feels numb but that's OK, rather that than it being painful.  

I had a pretty disturbed night now I come to think about it  I was in planning mode and getting to the point of making some sort of decision about the future.  Whilst that sounds decisive it actually means that I've hit another point in the process of deciding what to do next.  Having not heard anything from the potential employers I'm now considering that my three or four ideas need to be reviewed and considered.  I need to talk to Mrs. F. if she will actually sit down and give me more than 30 seconds of her valuable time.

Off out this afternoon and tomorrow to meetings - tomorrow will be good as it is cheat day and a huge breakfast awaits....  Nice!

Well It Does Hurt A Bit

A handful of pills has brought the numbness back to reasonable levels and I'm getting used to this gap in my teeth.  I suppose you have to get used to this when you are getting older and being a "victim" of whatever Dentists did to us in the 60s and sweets and sugar must also be a big factor.   There is some interesting stuff, again on Mercola about non invasive dentistry and I'm following some of the advice including washing my mouth out with Baking Soda (Bicarbonate of Soda) in the evening to get rid of any acidity in the mouth.  I've got a new electric toothbrush too which I hope will help and as I only touch sugar in moderation on cheat day, I'm hoping that it too will help long term.

I had to only eat cold food tonight and I was looking forward to doing some Liver & Bacon but that will have to wait until tomorrow - perhaps for lunch :-)  

I'm off to a meeting with Flocky Bicep in the afternoon and also early on Saturday we are going for a Breakfast meeting and I will drive.  He's been great and driven everywhere so far so at least I'll get to drive him on Saturday.  As it is cheat day I will be cutting loose on the breakfast in the morning and for the rest of the day.

Oh well, I'd better get to bed - I'm tired and fell asleep watching the TV. 

Getting Ready For The Dentist

The first of four visits (perhaps 5 when he sees the chip off one of my lower left teeth).  Today is the start of the Root Canal - remembering what it was like last time - as long as he gives me enough numbing agent it isn't too bad.  Of course it has to be a difficult one at the top but hey - let's get it over with.

I've spent some days re-building my Accounts spreadsheets and have been pouring over the figures as there appears to be a bit of an anomaly in the Bank Account - it is probably an unpaid cheque or some such thing.  At least I have the spreadsheet under some form of control now which is good.  I can also see at a glance the yearly spend which was always difficult before.  Another couple of hours with it and I can send it off to a friend to be sanity checked.

I am beginning to get to the point of having to make a decision about this job - it has been well over 3 weeks and still nothing has come back - it really is a pain as there is no contact to chase it up.  A Yes / No or even a Maybe would be something.   


UPDATE:

Well, well, well.  What a strange thing.  The Dentist originally thought it was the tooth he had root canal filled a year or two back.  He decided to drill the tooth next door as the X-Ray showed the Sinus (lump on my gum) appearing to head towards the root of that tooth.  I did a little jump not far in and when he realised that the tooth was still "live" when it should be dead he reviewed things and so took out the Root Canal filled tooth - which came out pretty easily.  I've saved a few bob but even so - that's one expensive tooth :-)  I'm actually quite glad about that as I'd read some disturbing stuff on that on the Mercola web site.   Under the rather alarming title "97% of Terminal Cancer Patients Previously Had This Dental Procedure.." it does pose a bit of a worry but then you hear and see so many of these types of stories.

Anyway - the main thing is that the little hole is filled and the tooth is out.  Let's hope that gets this Sinus to go and speed the way for finishing off my teeth procedures quicker - I have one less appointment even though I have one extra filling.  Mrs. F. will be pleased as it is a lot cheaper to have this course of treatment :-)

Not Hungry

I forced food down myself on Monday and this morning was no different.  Lunchtime today I got Chef at the Pub to knock me up a Ham Salad - and very nice it was too - I couldn't eat it all and so something is definitely happening here.  It could be that I've worked out my quantities and so I don't need to adjust these any more.  I tend to eat an enormous breakfast which may also account for not wanting anything else much larger during the day.

I had a good long chat with my Business partner - we got a lot off each other's chests - we are still having issues both family and business and our varying experiences and frustrations were well aired over a glass of wine and some coffee :-)

I'm out again tonight and so will be on Red Wine - no beer allowed until cheat day!  I'm doing well with the diet as I can see dramatic results already and that's just what I need - some encouragement :-)

I have a series of other meetings this week and I need to keep my discipline.

Nice Day ... eventually

For some time, seeing the snow and slush this morning I really didn't want to venture out but eventually I did make the commitment and I'm very glad I did as I enjoyed myself and we had lots of fun and that's important.  My friend went in the Chair and we all had a great evening and as it was Monday my journey home by Bus, train and bus was good.  In fact I was the only passenger on the bus home which was nice - like having a chauffeur driven bus to the top of the road!  

I did my bit in the Temple and it was nice to be part of the overall ceremony.  I bumped into a number of people that I knew and also that I had something in common with so a great evening all around.

Yes - glad I made myself go after all - it was a good evening and despite feeling a bit low in the morning I soon came round and was back to good form by the time we hit the Hotel.