2 days and a welcome break

Off on Thursday to France and taking it easy with a slow drive down there.  Not my preferred method - I like to do one long drive and one short but this way we are going to do a slow drive and take three days there and three days back.  It's a reasonable thing to do.

We, P & I, want to spend some real time together as we tend to be doing or tackling things mainly to do with her situation and a bit of mine and whilst we are together it is quite "business like" I suppose.  There's a number of things that need to be tackled including the business and how much effort needs to go into that.  Where to and how to live and so on.  At the moment we are, to all intents and purposes, living together but in a strange way as I am in a shared house with my friend and it isn't exactly how I want it to work either so perhaps we can work out all these things.  

We are now being addressed as a couple and have invites and the like from a number of people for both of us so it is all a bit strange I have to say :-) 

I'm sweating on some stuff from Amazon that I thought was under my Prime (next day) account but wasn't - I need it for the trip and so I have to make a few contingency plans in case they don't arrive today - they were all dispatched last week so fingers crossed. 

I'm feeling quite well but we've had the most incredible weekend including a trip to London where P had her bag stolen from right under our noses at the RA.  We've been at Local & Live most of the weekend and arriving home at 1 and then 2:30 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday and a late night on Friday, plus P was there (Local & Live) yesterday too.  Today we need to focus on getting the holiday stuff sorted.

I'm looking forward to the break without doubt but with some trepidation as I've had to change some arrangements after I'd made them.  Things are very different and P is nothing at all like Mrs. F. so I'm getting to know some of the idiosyncrasies that I've not had to deal with previously.

Time Warping

Both P and I looked at each other this morning and wondered where July had gone.  Better than that I asked, where has August gone?  It's absolutely crazy that we've been together for 16 weeks or 4 months or whatever and it doesn't feel like that at all.  We finally managed to book a holiday and we are off next week for a couple of weeks to the South of France in a small village and an isolated, private studio apartment overlooked by no one.  Just what we need to spend time with each other.

We strangely are in each others company all day but we have been "working" tackling day-to-day stuff and working through a number of issues which, happily, seem to be coming to an end.  That means when I get back I can concentrate on the business and we can get on with life.  Quite what that means to us we have yet to define.  It's very very very very strange.  Neither of us were looking for anything and yet here we are quite fixed and living together.  That's a worry in some ways as it is so quick and yet it seems all OK and comfortable.

The huge gaps in time are worrying though but I can see where they've actually gone as we've been tackling some pretty messy stuff and some of the decisions have had to take days to work through.

Health wise I'm OK but somewhat concerned at the burn rate of my cash.  However, I need to recommence working on my return from holiday and that's a given.  Let's hope that I can generate sufficient funds?

The next thing I need to do is to lose some of the weight I've put on.  I've been feeding P up as she had lost a lot of weight worrying about things.  Well she's responded quite well to my food.  the trouble is that so have I :-) lol.  So I'm putting myself on a diet and dropping the carbs that I share with her.  Hopefully I will be able to drop a fair amount as long as I don't end up drinking beer in between.

Hot Day

Phew - it's hot in my little office - the fan is working overtime - bless it!

Still no decisions on major things and it is a waiting game - it's annoying for a planner like me.  i like to know what is going on and plan things.  It destabilises me when I don't know - it really is difficult and it's obviously a clash when a planned person meets a "seat of the pants" person.  

P has been away most of today so I've got stuck into some administration work.  I've finished off cleaning up the garden and chopping back invading Ivy and Lobelia.  I've put a few beers in the Fridge - I really shouldn't be drinking but at the moment it keeps me distracted whilst stuff goes on around me.  These things aren't my decision to make, I can advise, I can empathise, strategise and theorise but I can't make the decisions. 

Apart from the destabilising effects I am looking forward to going away with P and just chiling out for a couple of weeks.  We seem to have done nothing but working and haven't spent much time with each other.

I hope that she makes her decisions tomorrow and we just move on with things.  I can then set to and plan the holiday and the travelling etc.  

New Phone, Nearer Some Planning

But not quite there yet.  The car went in for service and at last it was a reasonable amount of money to pay and just a few items needed to sort the car out.  It is now ready for a trip to France, if that is what actually happens.  It's all up in the air at the moment for sure.

Poor P has to have a Cataract removed before they see what progress the eye they operated on has made.  That can happen as soon as this Saturday but she needs to make that decision.  The next available dates would affect any holiday plans for this and next month as we are constrained by other dates.

We were meant to go this Thursday - but I've planned and booked nothing at all.  It's procrastination drawn out to its worst possible definition.  Difficult decisions do need to be made and I can appreciate that having made those decisions exactly 1 year ago today!  for it is a year ago that I told Mrs. F. that things were over.  Ironically I am meeting her at lunchtime today to discuss the house and children, finances and all those sorts of things.

It's been a strange journey and I'm a lucky in some ways to be at the start of a new journey although with the hindsight of a previous one!  

I'm keeping well and enjoying myself - as much as I can.  INTJ types really prefer some decisive actions and certainty which is giving me the problems at them moment.  

Wasp 1 Samsung Galaxy 0

I smashed the glass on my phone on Saturday swatting away a Wasp that had got close.   Normally my good old phone can take a knock but I managed to swat and then launch the phone a good 5 yards!  So I've just bought a Motorola G which is a nice phone and seems to do all I want without the iPhone/Samsung price tag.  So far, so good.  The migration app appears to work nicely, it syncs with Google nice and easily and brought over all my Apps too.  Clever.

Let's hope it lasts 2 1/2 years like my Samsung did.

Feeling OK but frustrated that I've not been able to book a holiday yet.  It's extremely difficult as P needs to sort some things out before I can.  The trouble is the date is heading towards us like a train and 8 days is  hardly long enough for me to organise things.  I know things can't be rushed but I'm a planner and don't like unnecessary stress added to trying to arrange things.

Is It The Weather?

I feel lethargic, unlike me (of late) to feel quite so tired and not up for much :-) 

I hope it is just a today thing as the weather is oppressive and humid as you like.  

Wobbles - even If you prepare yourself

Wobbles and little set backs come and go and July is a bad time for me whether I want it to be or not.

Things like:

2nd July - Bladder Cancer Symptoms present
3rd July - Dad died
4th July - my birthday
7th July - Doctor suggests I have Cancer
21st July - Diagnosed with Bladder Cancer
24th July - Bladder Saving (lifesaving) operation

It's 8 years for Bladder Cancer - I'm still here, I'm healthy, I'm happy and I've a new life awaiting me in the wings.  I have a nice lady friend to spend time with and life has new meaning and new purpose - that's great.

It's taking a long time to sort out P's issues but we are almost there now.  I hope we can get a holiday in and then launch the business as I'm getting itchy feet and really want to launch it and start generating some income.

I find myself in July wobbling about between highs and lows and this July is no different even though I prepared myself for it.

Onwards and Upwards!  :-) 

Kerbam

Ohh it's been a rocky few weeks.  Ups and downs abound.  What are the chances that one of P's friends is married to the brother of an old mate of mine who lived next to my first girlfriend?  I really didn't need my past to come out like that and suddenly everyone was interested and I really wasn't so that didn't go down well.  60 million people in the world and I happen to sit next to someone who knew me from when I was 19 years old!

All is OK now though and things are moving on nicely.  I'm not sure where it is all headed which I suppose is also fun.  For the new me it is fun - the old me would have been horrified about that I'm certain.

I think that P & I need a good holiday as we haven't really been spending  real quality time together - we tend to spend time together working and that's a bit of a shame as we really should be getting to know each other.  We are out on Saturday to a bell ringing day out followed by a BBQ.  Maybe we can get some time together and we need to lay some ghosts out too whilst we are there.  By that I mean there are a few chaps who aren't aware that I am on the scene that need to find out as it could cause embarrassment for them or for P.

I am fit and well apart from my shin which took a serious thump on the outside brick wall.  It has only just started to come under some sort of control as it really ballooned up and I've been putting on two dressings a day to sort it out.  Hopefully it will be OK for the weekend.

Update

Well where did those 12 days go?  I have no idea at all but there you go - it just disappeared and it's like that a lot these days, time just slips away.  I had a good birthday going to the Royal Academy for the Summer Exhibition and then to see Dennis Hopper's photographic exhibition, Fortnum & Mason for Lunch followed by Ronnie Scott's for the evening.  The only bummer being the ridiculously crowded train home - southern railways need to examine how they treat customers it was just ridiculous.  Completely left me messed up with my claustrophobia kicking in big time.  I managed to keep it together but not when I got home.

Anyhow, other than that it was a lovely day.  

I'm feeling good and fit and healthy but could do with a holiday I think - if nothing else to get out of the current list of things that need to be done - get a rest and then launch the business.

I hope to get some more time to start blogging again, the main thing is that health is good, outlook is good and life is fine albeit a little to full on for me at the moment.  

Eight Years Ago

It's the Anniversary of my getting the symptoms of Bladder Cancer.  I recall it well as it was England on playing in the World Cup - that year they probably did slightly better than this :-)

After a 4 1/2 hour drive I checked in to my Hotel, went to the toilet to be greeted by a stream of claret coloured urine.  It didn't stop doing that until the 24th July when I had my operation....  

It still sends a shudder through me thinking about it.  Gee though I get cranky around this time of year.  But in many ways I should celebrate as it was around this time of year last year that it all started to become clear to me what needed to be done and finally I'm out of the rut I was in and I'm in a great place at the moment.  I can see my future (well not really) but I'm positive about my future is probably a better way to say it.  I'm really happy and positive about things.  P and I are getting along wonderfully and that's great - I'm so pleased about that.  I'm not sure quite what to do about introducing her to the girls - it's very difficult I suppose.

I am seeing Mrs. F. tomorrow evening to discuss the way forward.  I'm in no rush to push her into anything - it's not my way and it appears that L now has a local job (that did surprise me - I thought she would have stayed in Cambridge).  That will mean she will stay at the house I guess.  That means that they will need the place for the moment and I suppose I will have to wait a little longer for the settlement to materialise.  I think  I can handle that but of course it is burning a hole in both our monies with me living in rented accommodation.  

SO here I am - 8 years on from the huge trauma of Bladder Cancer.  I'm still here - HURRAH!  I'm healthy - YIPPEE! I'm happy, I'm free, I'm excited, I'm empty of all that angst and baggage, I'm crazy about P, I have a new business to launch and everything is looking good.  

I look back and see how much my life has changed and in a few ways I'm sad about the outcome of my marriage but I knew that was rocky even then.  I can't fault Mrs. F. standing by me though, she was a rock bless her but it's time to move on for me and I really hope that she finds someone for herself that means as much to her as P does to me.

Talking of P that's 12 weeks this Thursday - time has flown and it feels a long and a short time all at once!  I wonder what will happen in 1 or even 8 years from now?  This certainly isn't quite what I felt it would be but there you go - it's just the way it is people come into and out of your life for a reason I guess.

Where did the time go?

Yikes, where has the last few weeks gone?  OK we had the housewarming party, I've been to Northampton and back and suddenly what - it's almost the end of June. 

I can't tell you where time has gone but I'm seriously blown off track at the moment but feel that things are coming back on an even keel at last.  It's one of those amazing times we get in our lives where events take us way off of our "planned" course and your life changes forever.  It was actually a year ago that my life really started to change and it's just bizarre that here I am blinking and wondering what on earth just happened :-)  Crazy!

I need to speak to Mrs. F. soon to see what we can do to move things forward.  The biggest issue I suppose is what to do about the house and stuff.  It's all a little strange as I will have to work out lots of other things - like where to live and so on.  It's just the way my crazy world is these days.

Interesting Times

"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times" was one of our sayings when we were at work.  It holds true today.  Life IS very interesting at the moment, very interesting indeed and I'm having quite a bit of difficulty adapting to it.    Things are very different indeed from any past experiences I have had and so a lot of it is new to me.  I hate being an INTJ sometimes because I just can't stop analysing and also stuff that isn't "Logical" really confuses the hell out of me and of course, there's a lot of that in relationships - stuff that isn't logical that is.  It completely throws me out of equilibrium.  

So I'm having to learn a lot of this stuff as we go on and that is proving interesting but not quite as much fun.  Anyway, it will just have to be what it will be - I'm getting there gradually.

I like the fact that I hardly think about Bladder Cancer anymore or anything else around my health either.  

Interesting times?  You bet!  

It's Serious Then?

Given how I'm feeling at the moment with P away at the Isle of Wight Festival, I've got to say that things are pretty serious!  I wasn't expecting to feel quite like this at all but hey, the new me is saying go with it, run with it and see where it takes you.

I still find it quite hard to believe that it's only 7 weeks and 3 days (roughly).  There's something quite strange and surreal about this past week.  It is very strange indeed.  I feel great and yesterday the number of people who came up to me and said that I was looking great these days was more than a dozen.  It's nice to hear as I looked back at my Passport photo and of course I wasn't well when that was done - about 18 months after diagnosis, I look grey and drawn and with huge circles under my eyes.  What a difference.  I am pretty glad about that.

I saw my friend who had hi Bladder removed yesterday and I hadn't seen him since he had the surgery so it was good to catch up and hear his story.  Apparently it was a missed appointment and they may have been able to sort him out if it hadn't got aggressive and gone into the muscle.  He seems fine about it, has lost some weight (a bonus he says) and he has moved down to the coast which is nice I think.

I've been working on how things progress from here going forward.  I really hadn't planned to be quite so involved as I am.  I thought that we might be friends going to gigs together but we are light years beyond that.  I think it is funny as we keep looking at each other and smiling and wondering "how did we get here?"  It doesn't really matter at all, I'm happy and so is P and that's great.  

The Business Of Getting On With Business

It is a business getting on with business.  I need to launch and yet it's the usual decision - when is the right time as so many things are going on in my life at the moment.  We have the house warming party in a week and I'm out for a few days.  I need to talk to P to make sure she is now independent enough to do without me for a short while.  We have discussed that she might help me drive some business in which would be great.

We are talking about taking a little time off and just going away for a few days and getting to know each other dropping the business and personal problems to one side and just having a break.  I hope we can do that.

At the moment everything is ready to go so I just need to start driving the message home and getting people interested in what I do and then for them to spend some money with me.

I want to start to get into some sort of regular business hours as well as getting some order back into my life :-) Food, exercise and work all need to come together in one homogenous way.   Well that's my plan and as we've seen the last 7 weeks have been absolutely full on what with P and my Mum and now the web site is up and running I'm just waiting to "flip the switch" and that just needs a chat with P and for the two of us to be happy about that.

Getting On With Things

Has it really been 7 weeks today since I met P?  Yes it has it feels like no time and a long time all at once.  That's love for you I guess?

All is wonderful and things are fine.  P has decided to go to the Isle Of Wight Festival after all which is great it is going to be a beautiful weekend and she needs a break and to get away and come back refreshed. I'm a little jealous actually as I'd love to have gone but I have two meetings one tomorrow in London, a Black Tie do and then a Lodge meeting on Saturday.  It will be a shame that P won't be here on the Saturday night but I'll see her soon enough on the Sunday.  It's beginning now to get hard to be apart which brings its own pressures of course.

The main thing is to get some things sorted next week.  We are having a sort of house warming party on the 21st June which will be nice - so many people have asked to see the house.  After that I want to knuckle down and get the business rolling.  It's sat here long enough now.

Living with Depression

Once you've been there you can emphasise with those who are depressed or stuck in a rut.  Part of the rut I had (I know this isn't everyone's experience) was that I knew, knew for years, what I had to do.  I knew the answer to get me out of my malaise.  It was and is now blindingly obvious.  Nevertheless we don't take the Occam's Razor we procrastinate and try and work around what is the obvious (and possibly only) answer.  That's how we dig ourselves into a rut or paint ourselves into a corner. 

I like the phrase that we "stare so hard at the closed door that we miss the open one behind us"  I'm helping a good friend and it's exactly that.  To me it is "obvious" what to do but I'm on the outside looking in and I also know that it isn't my decision, they have to come to the answer on their own, all I can do is provide balanced (if possible) facts to work on.  

I recollect how difficult it was the incredible stress, the chest pains the throat constriction - I could hardly even talk when I finally had to deliver the news.  Within moments, it was over, it was SO painful I can't tell you.  I'd hurt the person I'd lived with for 32 or more years and had known for 40 years.  That was awful BUT - BUT after that I came alive and the pain was gone and the weights that dragged me down were gone, my head emptied and suddenly I was at peace with myself.  It was unfortunate that all my pain then descended onto Mrs. F.  I felt awful for doing that but then again, I could no longer live the way I was living I had all but come to a standstill and couldn't concentrate.  I couldn't go on like that and despite the fact that I had my eyes opened and was by then heavily into A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I'd met someone who changed my outlook on life and suddenly made me aware of myself, the now and what could be.  Even that ending was positive.

So today I can really empathise with the struggle that is going on in my friend's head and despite the fact that I know that once that decision is taken (for I strongly believe that the decision was reached - like me - many years ago) the pain will fall away.  I can see now that it is easy for me to say what to do (like many people told me what to do).  The bottom line is that only the person whom the problem affects has the right to make that decision and take it for themselves, they have, after all, to be happy they did the right thing.

In the interim it is a series of circular discussions, going over the same ground, the same facts, the same consequences and the same potential outcomes but who knows what the future truly holds?  The decision is the the thing that is needed and then executing on that.  I am pleased that rather than getting "involved" that I can just act as a sounding board for them.  

I hope that they come to a decision quickly for their own health and to free them up.

A Year is a LONG Time

I looked back at my blog from a year ago.  It was all in code as I'd met this quite wonderful lady - well I'd actually known her a very long time really and we met up and suddenly everything seemed to click and become clear to me.

I got my self esteem back, I got my self confidence back, I believed I could move on and get out of the rut I was in.  It was an awful place and suddenly there was this lovely lady who changed it all for me.  I suppose it depends on whether you believe in Karma but she arrived in my life at just the right time and soon afterwards disappeared again.  It was a little upsetting of course that it didn't continue but everything happens for a reason.  What I saw was a glimpse of how it could be.  I saw how things were when I was younger and when everything was exciting and how the journey started out, with high expectations and high ideals and then how it foundered along the way and the crash into depression (Ooops I used the "D" word there - sorry) and self doubt, victim mode and lost - well - me really.

Somehow, unless you've been there and bumped along the bottom for a while you probably don't get what a lonely and miserable place it is.  Analysing every little mistake you ever made and trying to comprehend how you got to where you are rather than looking at it to see what you can do from where you are now.  Nothing can be undone, unsaid and you can really only operate in the here and the now.  The future hasn't happened yet.  

I knew that my life would change last June - I had no idea that I'd be separated from my wife, in a house share, and now involved with someone else and just looking forward to a life and some excitement.  By that I mean travelling, getting out and actually doing things.  P is a dynamo for getting out and doing things.  It looks exciting and challenging.  It will be what it will be of course and who knows what I'll be writing about next June?  

I just know that I'm in such a much better place at the moment.  The only thing is that I'm not quite giving it my all - something is nagging me to hold back.  It's the 90% thing again - I did this last June (18th/27th) and I can feel myself doing that again now - is it a commitment problem or something deeper - I'm not certain - I'll see how this pans out.

My Life = Utter Chaos

My life is in total chaos at the moment.  The good thing is that I've hardly thought about Bladder Cancer at all in the past 6 weeks.  It is amazing I've lost total track of time and it's June already and I ought to have launched the business.  I can't believe that my life has blown me quite so far off course.  I don't actually mind that too much as the distraction has been quite welcome really although totally unexpected.  

I'm surprised how this has happened but then perhaps I shouldn't be.  The "new" me is so much nicer than the old me.  I'm far more emotional than I used to be as I've said many time in this blog. I don't get all het up these days, I get a little angry still with people but can control that - I'm sure a rising testosterone level may also have something to do with that as well - I have to be on guard as I've noticed that as a change in me.  Above all though I'm calm and resigned these days and also keep trying to explain that things that happened in the past remain in the past and have no bearing whatsoever on the present.  The future isn't here yet and you can't live in the future either.  You have to live in the now - what else can you possibly do.

I like being the new me although I can see the old me trying its hardest to reassert itself.  It is one of those things I'm now aware of.  It is very difficult to maintain the new me persona but I know one thing, I feel great and I am so much happier with myself these days.  I no longer hate myself or beat myself up about things.  The past no longer has any bearing on my present like it used to.  My dreaming and planning are now very loose and not specific and therefore not likely to result in the huge disappointments I used to suffer when they never came true or fell short of expectations.

I like utter chaos although I'm not sure I'd like to live like that all the time :-) 

Eastbourne

Not been there for years and years and so when P said let's go (on a Sunday) I was a bit hesitant.  The traffic was heavy but not too bad - and we got to East Dean OK in time for lunch - this is the Tiger's Head pub - I'd been there a number of times before - very nice too.  Then we headed off to the cliffs.

Tigers Head - East Dean

 It was a nice day although I should have worn cotton trousers not black jeans!  We decided to flake out on top of the cliffs and enjoy the views and just watch the world go by.

A Selfie Gone Wrong?  P and I on the cliffs at Eastbourne

 Part of the walk we did is shown below it is a lot steeper than it looks. 

Cliffs at Eastbourne

It's nice to have got out of the flat for a while and to have walked out and enjoyed the weather which had been predicted to be poor but was delightful although a bit humid.  

So glad that I did the walk though and that P and I were able to enjoy each others company.

I'm feeling great at the moment and healthy and about to change my routine.  I hope that I can stick to it and fit everything in.  

Up and Down Day

It was a good day and P met up with us at Shipbourne Farmer's Market.  We bought some nice produce and some cheese and olives and baklava.  So I managed to cook for P and mum and we had a nice meal out at an old favourite pub of mine from the old days.

P and I were OK today and had a lovely time but she has had to go home tonight. I'm dropping my mum off tomorrow so that my daughter L can take her home which is nice of her - my mum has all sorts of traumas about this and L driving in the dark and goodness knows what else!  She's making up disaster after disaster for not going.  For me it can't come soon enough - I love my mum but a week and a day of this has been over and above the call of duty - honestly - I nearly lost the plot twice today - it's the insane advice and how to do things I get all the time.  I become flabbergasted with it as I'm trying to drive "watch out for that lorry!" "What, that huge great big white thing behind me?"  FFS I can see it and I'm not likely to reverse off my drive at high speed into it!  I've actually been distracted a couple of times and ended up missing turns and going back around roundabouts and told her to stop it as I don't need the distraction.

I will at least be able to go to P's place and relax a little tomorrow night and spend the weekend with her - that will be nice.