And Still These Reflections Come

 I don't know if there is a reason for reflective thoughts maybe it is a sign of something. Just now I was sitting here and my grandson has just been for Fireworks and some Supper.  It's nice to see him and we miss him because we used to look after him two days a week and now he's at school so we only get to have time at weekends and when school is on holiday.

It reminded me of seeing my grandfather, my father's father.  He was a really nice man, quite dapper and charming.  A really interesting man but also blessed with "our" sense of  humour and so you were never quite sure when he said things if it was real or not.

When I was an apprentice I worked up in London and I'd occasionally drop in to see them if I was around.  He developed cancer of the throat and had to have a tracheotomy.  He could speak by covering the hole in his throat and I used to try and get to visit him in Hospital mainly taking lunchtime off to go and see him or seeing him at the end of the day.  I was lucky that somehow I could "make time" between site visits.

One particular day he was having a lot of trouble and we were just about managing to communicate as he also had a notepad and pencil but I could see that he was really frustrated and Flash - that's one of my recurring dreams - it's just flashed before my eyes.  It's me leaving the hospital via the other entrance/exit and I see this in my dreams and I've just clocked why!

Back to the story so I said my goodbyes and waved to granddad and he gave me a weak smile and a wave and we were both a little miffed that we hadn't been able to chat like we had before.  Well that was the last time I saw him because he spoke to my parents that weekend and he had arrived at a decision that he didn't want us (my brother and I) to visit anymore and whilst I was disappointed I think I knew that he didn't want us to see the last stages of his life.  My mum and dad pretty much told me that he wanted us to remember him as our grandfather and writing that just shook me a little.  I miss him even now and there were a number of things, as children, that you recall.  The reward for a visit was always a shiny coin of some sort perhaps half a crown which we would thank him for and hold tight or give to mum for safe keeping.  He would occasionally give us a little glass of Ginger Wine which stung and then warmed your throat!  

I like that he made a decision like he did and so I never got to go and say goodbye but I think maybe that's the right decision to remember someone in the best light and not being the last thing you remember about them.

Is The Grass Greener?

 Regrets fuel a fantasy of nostalgia and I found myself daydreaming about the past and of course, I can't change it and the mind is very "clever" as it depicts a world as you'd like it to be and not as it was in reality.  The illusion is that if things had been different, there would have been a different outcome but that's not guaranteed at all.

I find recently that these flash back daydreams are showing me a different path had I not made certain decisions but to balance this, some of these decisions were not mine to be made, it's all a set of different paths that coincide, conflict, align and so on.  I doubt I have any control over these things for they happen in real time at the time.  You can I suppose reflect on these and do a "what if" analysis but the only benefit I can see is to help you learn from your mistakes if they are, in fact, mistakes.  Who knows what would or could have happened.

The mind is a strange thing and these little voices and thoughts are not helpful.  You just have to realise that they are just a distraction and not really anything useful for getting on with your life.

Is the grass greener?  I very much doubt it.  Would things have been any different? Yes of course they would but whether for good or ill, no one can tall and it doesn't matter either way. 

The Ancient Art Of Self-Destruction

 It seems that I have witnessed a number of times people being self-destructive.  The "voice in the head" often talked about by Eckhart Tolle is perhaps something to do with it but so many times either knowingly or unknowingly people have made irrational decisions, have lied or avoided situations and then had destruction wreaked upon them or have just talked themselves into it.

My business partner has just done such a thing and what is worse, burnt all his bridges in doing so.  In 5 days he went from slightly eccentric to full on madness and wrecked his side of the business he had worked hard alongside me to build.

Another person I worked with decided to (as he was the chief shareholder) demote me as we were about to go to a shareholder's meeting, to the scribe for the meeting.  I had worked outhow to save his business as he had bought software that wasn't actually his (the copyright notice for where it had been obtained from was clear for all to see).  He hadn't undertaken a key piece of security to have the data encrypted and he was running out of money.  As a Director I had produced his "get out of jail free" card and had a presentation to achieve this.  The meeting was great as a few knew what I knew, they also knew that I was going to table the answer to the problems.  

The idiot started to lie through his teeth and when the meeting got angry and I do mean angry, he finally turned to me and I reminded him that I was no longer the Ops Director and he had made me scribe.  As he had done that and was now floundering I left him to it.  On the way out he suggested the meeting had gone well.  I called him an Oaf and questioned whether a village somewhere was missing their idiot!  I resigned that night citing a number of reasons.  

Others have talked themselves out of a winning position and ended up in the very place they said they'd been in before - the self fulfilling prophecy. 

It helps to break business & personal stuff apart and it helps to analyse what you've got and I feel sorry for my ex-colleague.  He never wanted me to "get angry" with out supplier and reined me back as he didn't like confrontation (funny that as he's threatened me in writing).  SO now he's gone I read the riot act to our supplier and all of a sudden I have full cooperation and suddenly all of the deliverables are appearing.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I could probably write a book (I'm sure someone would have got there before me) where defeat is snatched from the jaws of victory.  It happens a lot more than you think and I'm a realist rather than the pessimist most people take me for.  I am a lot more optimistic than people know, I have to be as I'm a project manager at heart.

Strange how people destroy themselves especially in business.  It's almost as if they predict their future and then everything aligns in them to make sure that failure is the end goal both planned and actual.

Another Flashback

 It's been a strange year for flashbacks.  My mother is awaiting her results from a scan a few weeks ago now and waiting is horrible, your mind takes over and you then have to go and hear the results.  Later procedures were immediate but waiting really does allow the little voice in your head to pronounce your impending doom.

Then a friend is in Hospital waiting to go home and suddenly I was back in the ward and the discharge lounge just wanting to get home and see my family and fighting back tears because they just delayed and bed blocked and took so long to get anything done and I just remember this feeling of why wont you let me go home.  Then once they did I wasn't allowed to walk home - I mean I could walk home in 10 or 15 minutes so then had to wait for my wife (my ex now) to come and pick me up, bless her.  She did look after me so well and it was no reward that I left (or maybe it was).

Anyway, so that flashed into my head and I just recall the feeling of hating the waiting and hanging around when I could just go home and relax in my chair and let the tension of the days before go away.  

It's All In Your Head

I liked that saying "Just because you are Paranoid, it doesn't mean they're all out to get you!" 

The problem a few weeks ago now must have been brewing inside this chaps head for a long time and it was as if he'd made up his mind that I was diddling him out of money and then that I made him look a fool when I explained that in fairness to the business that wouldn't happen especially as I was just in the process of engaging Accountants to the business.  But it wasn't just that it was obvious that he thought I was not going to do something he expressly asked me to  do.

I was actually going to check with him if it was what he wanted and at the same time explain the implications of the decision to him.  For it actually made me the major shareholder for the business.  He must have stewed and thought I wasn't going to do it and wasn't taking my phone calls which delayed things further as he hadn't provided the correct level of detail I needed to complete his wishes.

It was in writing and quite explicit and so I was seeking clarification but apparently that was enough to imagine that I was going to do something!  Now, here's the thing really.  He then convinced himself that I was going to go against his wishes even though I'd not spoken to him and deep inside I think he knew that I would ask him to think long and hard about his decision.  If he had done this it would reduce his share of the business and so any reward would be less and any control would also be lessened too.

By the time I had researched the information he had omitted he's thrown his toys out of the pram, walked away from the business and disowned me!  I've known him 8 years or maybe 8 now.  I am not to talk to him or anything further - it's a total break.  It's shocking but there you go if you tell me you don't want to know and you want everything to stop so be it.

I can see that he may have a case that I made a fool of him but explaining something that was a misunderstanding was actually what it was.  He had picked up a phrase that I had used (in its correct context) and thought that I was making off with the money - pretty difficult to do as we don't actually have a business that is trading.  I explained the whole process of what the business would do in terms of revenue and expense but he seemed to take that as me taking him for a fool?  Was some worm-tongue giving him this - it wouldn't be the first time that his "Friends" had wound him up about the business after all.

It is a shame that I cannot go talk to him or anything else as it's all so final.   You work hard for years and years and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  It's difficult because what if I go around or try and call and he gets annoyed at me for it, he could easily do something that we'd both regret further.  

Does he regret it now?  I'll never know unless he tells me.  Imagine getting so upset at what you thought might happen to you that you walk away entirely.  Of course, it leaves me in a situation too.  I could walk away too although I'd rather try and make a go of it if possible.

Intentions - Goals I Set Myself

 I have to say that the pathetic politicians we have had in the past 20 or so years aren't worth anything at all.  We are now (or everyone should be) aware that they lie all the time, that they are on the take, that they have no idea when it comes to governing for the very people who give them the power to do so.  They are like the worst managers I have worked for and I've worked for a few but I strongly hope that they've received the due karma that they so richly deserve and are either now reaping a miserable old age or have done the decent thing and departed this life.

There is no real incentive to work hard anymore because these scheming bastards just cream your money off of you.  Ronald Reagan said the most frightening words you can hear are "I'm from the Government and I am here to help you!" 

So my goals are to do everything in my power and within the law to not pay anything more in Taxes and that sort of stuff to this greedy self serving self interest money grabbing corrupt back stabbing venereal snot gobbling whore bags.  I really hope that they are in a car crash and the economy will tank and the people finally work out that it doesn't need to be like this.  It's communism and like all similar systems it will come crashing down and they will be blinking in the sunlight wondering what went wrong.

So I've take steps to not give them any of my money,  Even in death these blood sucking gits want the money you've saved after they've taxed it so they can give it to their mates, hand it out to some geezer half a continent away so he can kill his neighbour.  When do WE say enough is enough?  

The leviathan that comprises the State is not fit for purpose, the answer to every problem isn't to get people to do their jobs properly it is to throw more of my money at it and it never ever gets better.  Having worked as a Consultant during the transition from a Nationalised business to one with shareholders etc I can tell you it was like pulling teeth - the staff couldn't work out that they actually had to start working for a living and showing productivity and accountability for their actions.  It was hilarious watching the facts dawn on them that after all these years, they finally had to justify their jobs and their positions.  The inefficiencies were massive and it was around this time of year that I was there going through their operational procedures.  They thought I was just "A Suit" from the management but I was there because I actually had a background in operational management.  The fortnightly reporting was 22 volumes of reports which I got down to one volume and a two page summary.  I'd save them loads of time and anguish - they hated it.

There are 1.6 Million people in the NHS - the 4th largest employer of people in the world!  Around 60% are not medical staff.  Sure you need admin and so on but do we need Climate Change Officers, Equality Officers and so on for each area that they operate in?  These are just high paid jobs for the boys. It swallows around half a billion a day probably more than that now.  You still can't get an appointment to see your GP and they prefer people to go to A&E who are now overloaded.  Fifty or 60 years ago the GP came to you.

It's not the only thing that's wrong but all of this state stuff isn't actually growing GDP now is it?  It's an overhead to running the country and whilst some of it is necessity most of it is waste.  They try and fix things that aren't broken to justify their existence.  They p1ss off people like me all the time because when I was in that area of planning and programme management (which is quite different to project management) none of this stuff would have seen the light of day as their were NO BENEFITS!!  

So my goals now are to let them get on with it, protect my own interests and hope other people also don't let them have their money either and watch the bastards sink below the waves in the storm of their own creation.  Not one of these people have been in positions of power in a real business and they have hardly worked a day in their life.  They cannot answer a well worded and researched question because they are too thick to understand what they are being asked or indeed why they made a certain policy decision.  It was telling that the Chancellor didn't go on any popular programmes on TV yesterday and those that she did go on I felt tore her to shreds and rightly so.

They have inflicted pain on our older people, have only told half truths about pensioner's increases next year, have abandoned the working class and penalised those of us who decided to save for our retirement.   F*** the lot of them, a Pox on their houses and may they feel the wrath of the populace quickly.  

Conflict - I Hate It (Now)

Finally got to talk sense to the supplier but it was fraught but I got my point across and we compromised - that's what was needed but it is still a big problem that hasn't really gone away entirely.

In the old days, I liked a battle and playing commercial chess.  These days?  I just want a quiet life, not that anyone else seems to!  Anyway, it's done and over for two weeks and let's see what happens then.  I hate the way these days it knots up my stomach and causes stress and headaches when it really shouldn't.  

So trying to avoid conflict these days is difficult as everyone acts like a knob I reckon.  It's a definite "Don't talk to me about politicians and public sector workers" that really winds me up and pushes my buttons.  "Computer says no!" sums them up and there doesn't seem to be anyone with any common sense.  So many cock ups happening and the trouble is it is our money they use to make mistake after mistake!   There's no punishment for screwing up these days either.  They should be sacked or demoted but no.... They always seem to promote failure and demote hard work and innovation!

They put up car parking charges and extend the hours for parking and blink incredulously when local businesses pack up and leave the high streets.  A well known seaside two made parking eye wateringly expensive and lo and behold no one came and parked there = they went further down the coast where parking was cheap and reasonable.  They then spent their money in those local businesses.  Voila!  

I went to one place where they only restricted parking for about an hour in the morning, the rest of the time was free (you might have needed to move car park on a 24 hour stop which we did).  That meant that people visiting the City could park for free and walk to the attractions, spend their money with the local shops and so on.  It stopped the Train users commuting in the morning making them park in the train car park and it meant that they could welcome more people.  I mentioned this to a few councillors I know for them to look into it.  My local town IS a tourist area albeit a small one but it has enough attractions I'd say for a good half a day to a day to come and visit.  I'd probably baulk at the charges though they seem excessive to me.  

I now use the bus or park far enough out to not pay and walk in - it's simple really and I'm protecting in my own way LOL!  

Anyway, I've segwayed off enough for this post now.  

Through A Child's Eyes

 The weekend party with the grandchildren was great.  I am not known for my empathy or emotional responses but you know, what was good was to see how they all got on together and how they worked things out, got frustrated, upset and quickly it was forgotten.  Working things out was interesting as they had to free a load of plastic bugs from a block of ice.   Progressively things were experimented with until dropping it on the patio was tried.  Then dad had to get his club hammer out and assist them with smashing the ice up.

It took me back to other moments where I did actually get to feel my emotions - being an INTJ that is pretty difficult as it's all logic and so on with me.  We went to Disneyland (we actually went three times eventually) but the first time was the one for me.  The children were young and of course they were smallish too.  I remember stopping and realising that everything that they saw and experienced was new and most probably magical to them.  It felt magical to me as their reactions and obvious joy was what it was all about and I was just there to enable it to happen along with the Disney people of course.

A similar thing happened when I "rewarded" the children with a trip to Lapland, it was all planned with a letter dropping down the chimney and tickets and all sorts of things.  It was a wonderful experience with all sorts going on, Reindeer, Husky Rides, snow, magical candlelit trails into the woods and so on.  It was moving when they met the big man and it was great that they had a few lovely presents to bring home with them.

We have our grandson with us at the moment and finally I realise how precious these times are.  He is quite young but my goodness can he read and write.  He's not bad at maths either and when we went to a restaurant the other day, apart from a couple of words he read it all.  The thing is of course to encourage and just rejoice in his achievements.  I said he'd counted up to 100 this morning whereupon he corrected me - 110 he said.  Someone said don't you mind getting up early to look after him?  Well of course not because soon he won't be here and he won't want to come that often, he'll be with his friends and so its best to enjoy it all and see it through his eyes.

Everything is new and bright and interesting, that's good to ground us adults and remind us, despite all the rubbish things that exists in our world, there are amazing things to be seen and to do.  A new bird feeder today being a prime example and suddenly lots of birds were flcoking to the garden and we could try to identify them.

I have to stop myself being Mr. Pedant and Mr. INTJ and having these little people around certainly does that for me.  

If You're So Clever, Why Ain't You Rich?

 A perfectly reasonable question I'd say.  I was just looking back at some of my conversations with Entrepreneurs and especially Life Coaches.  

You'd be discussing the issues in trying to find funding and yo'd get some idiot saying something along the lines of "Business Angels" or "Venture Capitalists" and of course, when you asked them if they'd ever done that, invariably they'd say no.  My colleagues and I had and that's where we differed and that's how you gain experience.  

Life Coaches telling you how to become a millionaire and I'd often ask them were they, in fact, millionaires?  Once again, they'd say no so I wondered how they knew that they could help someone achieve that whilst not achieving it themselves.

A trained Dale Carnegie practitioner also had the most disorganized business and approach and so it doesn't always follow that knowing the theory actually produces results.  

It also brought to mind these horrendous networking events I went to (I didn't go to many) that were just awful.  Lots of people saying they were entrepreneurs who came up and did their 60 second Elevator Pitch and dismissed yours or rudely walked away when you were speaking to them, interrupted you or pulled the person you were speaking to away, introduced to someone wholly inappropriate for your particular business.   As an INTJ it was the worst possible torture and I often left after 30 minutes and went to the bar or another bar away from these mad people.

One meeting I went to a chap waltzed up bouncing about from one foot to the other, dressed in part of a clown's outfit (I kid you not) and gave me his business card which was a roughly printed, badly ripped off centre bit of paper with name and address and his USP!  He'd help you launch a product or promote your business dressed as a character of your choice and that was what he did!  Before I could tell him what we did, he bounded off to interrupt and p1ss off the next person.  His bit of paper went in the bin.

You could go to some meetings where they'd have a speaker and quite often they would be OK but also, quite often, they'd be teaching me how to suck eggs.  It was always nice to speak to these people and let them slowly realise you knew far more than they did on the subject.

I am so glad to be out of that situation.  I did enjoy standing in for someone at his business meeting and doing his Elevator Pitch (everyone can give a 60 second presentation).  They said well you can do your elevator pitch and I said that I wasn't certain that they'd all be bothered.  I worked for an Indian Global Software House and I was heir UK guy.  So I explained that we did multi site, global software projects with financial analytics and the like and as I suspected, there were a lot of opened jawed participants looking at me in disbelief as I explained the size of the business I represented.  

Oh well, happy and sad days - looking back it was probably a bit more fun now than it was then!

Dreams

It is strange but I don't always remember my dreams, night dreams that is but there are some that I do and also I have recurring dreams that come back and must have some sort of significance.

The claustrophobia one is common although it doesn't occur as often these days.  It's always been a problem in real life and sometimes I look back on the horrors of being in places that I find overwhelming - not everyone understands it but it is pretty awful and I hate it.  Cinemas, Theatres, trains etc.  Definitely not my thing.

There's a transport dream and that is all about being on various trains and knowing the layout of the underground so well as to use all the hidden passages to navigate my way around.  A lucid dream is traversing London through subterranean passages, walkways, narrow bridges, through offices and so on.  This can also manifest itself as if travelling through a very large office block - a big triangular one over many floors that is based on one I actually used to work in which had trading floors, offices, deserted floors and so on so I never know exactly where I am.  

The one's losing your clothes or being in a stated of undress are also occasionally thrown into the mix.  

Recently the dreams have quieted and I find myself reliving specific scenes of my life and imagining that these had a different ending.  The love of my life in a relationship that could never be.  I can see, and almost smell and touch her.  It is most strange.  I don't recall many of these waking fantasies I'll call them. I can travel back to a scene at work, in my car, on a journey, in a meeting I'm sure you get the idea and replay a certain moment that's obviously etched on my mind.

Old girlfriends and what "might have been" seem to be more to the front of my mind and I don't think it is regret.  It's not that.  I hear the phrase along the lines of being asked "Oh my God, did you.....?"  and me replying "All my life!"  What might have been and perhaps in that parallel universe it may well have happened.  I suppose I've always wanted to know "what if?"  what if that had happened, what if we'd stayed together, what if something else had happened and so on.  I wonder if other people think and feel the same way too?

Destiny and circumstance are very strange things.  How you navigate life and what turns out and how it turns out.  Is there a plan?  Is it all "meant to be" or is there a serendipity here?  It is what it is and can not be any different.  Here I am, all these things have happened.  Was I just lucky, did I make my own luck? Right place at the right time or something else pre-planned preordained?  

I am unsure why I know I dream and yet I have only the vaguest of memories about what is was I dreamt about.  

Cancer - Dealing With It - Reflections (some 18 years I think later)

 I somehow got to thinking about the good things as my little grandson and granddaughter had a party yesterday and my other grandson (he knows me as that) went along and they all had a wonderful time as children do.  It's not always the toys and the like that are important it is how they enjoyed playing with each other, making up games and the rules as they go along and interact with each other, the laughs and the tears, the bumps and falling over, overcoming their shyness until after a while they lose all of that and just enjoy being children.  

I forget that it is sometimes these simple things that are the most fun.  Maybe not for us but for them and it is their fun that's important, making memories and all that good stuff.  I bought some blow up hats that sit on their heads to make them look like different animals.  It wasn't expensive but it was good fun and they all enjoyed taking a hat away which is great.  It made me happy that they were happy.

So what's this to do with Cancer?  Well it made me think that at one time I never thought I'd see my own children grow up.  There yo go that's sobered things up.  When you hear the word cancer you immediately think it is a death sentence and it isn't really.  I like that people with a terminal diagnosis are able to face up to their future I'm not sure if I would have liked to face it all those years ago.  Of course I actually did think that I had a big possibility of having a terminal disease.  I am glad that it was found and acted on early, that it was treatable afterwards and after a while (if you read this blog from the beginning (it certainly is a cure for insomnia) that you can see how it slowly dawned that things were a lot better than seen at first sight.

You don't know that or anything at the beginning at all.  Gradually you understand what you have, what you may have to go through and that there's a balance.  I mean within 6 months I was cancer free and I was almost entirely free if I think about it after the first operation that removed it.  However they operated again to prevent reseeding and then I had the Immunotherapy which prevented any recurrence - I had another series of operations after that to check that things were OK and of course, here I am.

I'm cured.  I no longer need drugs or treatment and recurrence is unlikely (but it can come back - it's one of the worst for it).  Generally if you are clear 10 years you are pretty unlikely to recur.

So what am I saying about dealing with it?  Well it's not something that happens immediately.  You kind of grow into dealing with it.  It grows on you (sorry about that).  As you begin to understand it, understand yourself and then alter your life around it and your family acceptance grows but in my case so did the gap between myself and my Ex.  I do feel sad about that, she looked after me throughout the whole episode really well and I feel guilty that it ended up like it did.  No nastiness just huge sadness.  

So What Would You Do?

 I've realised that I have (unlike me) bowed to other people's wishes for too ling now.  It's not a fault really as the other person was very nice and didn't want confrontation etc.  All very well but now he's no longer involved in the business it struck me quite hard how un-business like I've become.  I ran my own business at the same time as this one and didn't let sentiment get in the way but perhaps because this chap was so involved I deferred to his wishes even though my head said no - I was convinced otherwise.

We had agreed that after delivery of the product we needed from the supplier I would have a quiet word with the supplier and explain what major contractual faults he had made and how to avoid them and also warn him that anyone else would have made commercial and contractual mincemeat of him.

Six years or more later and we still aren't there, still not delivered and I've now had to read the riot act to them.  We've paid for the product and we haven't got it, we've paid extra (and more than they wanted) so we could get it to get trading and still it is not ready.  This is not an insignificant amount of money, more than I get in pension per year and more than that still!

If you;d have paid for something in full and still not got it and then paid extra to get it, you'd believe that you were swindled at best.  The conversation I had was one of those casual conversations where you wont get part one in the full specified version and they might do a few tweaks to get it right and the other part I'd have to wait a further 9 months for!  It's not a baby BTW.  So after 6 years, full payment I haven't got the first part anywhere near the finished article and it seems that the second part hasn't even been started.

SO, I've explained what this amounts to in legal terms for them, I am giving them a chance to make amends and to sort it out.  At this point in time I don't care about their personal circumstances, what other work they've got on or anything other than what I've paid for.  I hope that I have got the message through.  I hate litigation and all the work I'd have to go through to recover the money but that's the bottom line (that they don't seem to comprehend).  They "Think" because they've got half a product that there's value in there.  If I don't have it and I'm not selling it, it's worthless absolutely worthless and they don't understand basic economics of business.

If I had paid for a car (it's about that value) and you told me after 6 years I could have half of it and the other half when they got around to it, I think you might get a feeling for the absurdity of it all.  

Freedom To Do What I Should Have Done

This is a strange one.  It's been a very strange week indeed.  The "resignation" of my business partner was the kick off along with 9 after 9 years) a threatening letter the relationship was terminated and with it came the threat to the business which is still there now he's gone.

After the shock and a response acknowledging the defection I was left with a business to try and run.  I had been (fighting is not the right word) trying to get things moving but despite the business partner not being part of the business, it was his baby and I just managed it and what he wanted.  The trouble was he didn't want any conflict with the supplier and he would keep changing his mind and wanting to do non-business things.  I could only advise and caution but there we go, we are where we are.

When I spoke to the supplier he told me stuff that was not what I wanted to hear and the reason was he suggested a cut down version and a delay not of a short period but a further 9 months to the delivery.  This after we have just voluntarily funded him to a further 50% of his original contract value and this latest late delivery was just another in a long line of failures.  SO I thanked him for the information and said I'd get back to him.

Dear reader, we are already six and a half years late!  The new information would make it 7 years late.  I was fuming and rightly so because this was a six to eight month project in 2018!  So now, free from my ex-partner who would have been (well not happy) accepting of the delay I set to with a Risk Analysis and of course, if I'm not selling the App that this guy is developing, I'm not making money for that is what the business was set up to do in 2016. 

So I now have the freedom to make my feelings quite clear to the supplier and to set out his options for him.  Like some mystic I've read him his future!  We have paid for the Apps in full.  I don't think he gets this.  He is almost 7 years late on small contract and I mean you can pick up more expensive second hand cars for this money we are talking about.  I've had to explain that if you have paid for something and then paid around 50% more for delivery, the last thing you need to be told a month before delivery is there is a further 9 month delay.

So I did my RAID Analysis and then explained in very simple terms and very nicely what his problems are.  If you've bought something and the contract is fulfilled and you don't deliver then it's a matter of law and your rights as a buyer etc.  Anyway, you get the drift I imagine if you'd paid for an item and paid in full and then were delayed by years I'm sure you wouldn't have let it go.

So he's now received both barrels and should be in no doubt what is required of him.  He understands that it is unacceptable to receive money and not to actually deliver.  He has remedy but I am not going to do his job for him and I've reminded him how shaky the ground is on which he treads.

Suddenly after a very stressful week the pressure is off and over to him.  My business cannot survive if he doesn't deliver and if he doesn't deliver his business goes down to the depths with mine.  I would love to get the business running and try this App out in the market but at the end of the day, if he doesn't deliver I cannot and so I hope he now understands the gravity of the situation.  Whether he understands that he is stopping me making money and costing me money remains to be seen.

I was worried about closing the business down which I will have to if this chap doesn't deliver but at least now I am free to kick some ass and get it across the line something I am afraid I should have done a long time ago.

It is however serious but at the same time a huge relief and weight off my shoulders that I am free to run the business in the way it should have been run all along. 

Gaslighting

 When I was around 18 years old I recall discussing with my parents and uncles and aunts that I felt that the national newspapers were only giving me the news they wanted me to see.  I also opined that the TV was also only giving a narrow view of the world.  Of course, there was no internet but there were some alternatives although given my distrust even those were looked on cautiously.

Many years later and you can probably see that social media and online sources added to newspapers and TV still have a massive influence although I am pleased that not so many people watch the TV as they used to and many, like me, just don't listen or watch the "in your face" biased reporting you get these days.  

The MSM seems to permanently be in a state of mild shock that many people hold different views to them.  There are very few people who talk on TV now who I think "oh yes, they're telling  the truth" it no longer happens.  It's like I'm looking at a bunch of lying scoundrels and I know what they are saying is a lie whether they believe it or not.  You just have to scratch the surface and the rancid scent of bullsh1t arises.  Does what you've just heard pass the "So What?" test.  I doubt it.  They spout stuff that is incorrect, not abased on fact or data or science and what worries me is that people actually believe this stuff and happily argue with you about subjects they only know the buzz words about there's no depth of knowledge here, just tropes and propaganda.

I'm getting fed up of being accused of being a "Climate Denier!" or a "Covid Denier!" I mean break down what those words actually mean and it's like the school bully who's vocabulary is limited to the number of grey cells between his ears calling you a nasty name!  I like the argument where someone was rushed off their feet because they were at 110% capacity in the "Covid Ward" at the Hospital.  They were, honesty, going so red in the face and their necks were swelling up I thought their blood vessels would burst, it was not a nice thing to see or hear as they were almost screeching at me.  The reason behind this reaction?  Well, I know the Hospital in question and I knew that the ward housed around 40 people at most.  It's a big Hospital but how can professionals with all their training and the resources at their disposal (don't forget all other procedures were more or less cancelled) not be able to cope.  Run off their feet indeed.

Climate change - ye another yelling rancid soap dodging git telling me I'm wrong and I don't know anything and yet I can certainly point out that the diagrams and predictions don't seem to align with data.  A computer model and real world data ought to correlate.  They actually don't work.  Like my staff who used to prepare spreadsheets and plans for projects that you could drive a London bus through the cells!  A best guess to two decimal places if you were extremely lucky - these things never ever have a bearing in reality. They can make you think and speculate and do risk assessments and base a judgement but no matter how hard you try, it's someone's best guess what is happening.  If you are paid to predict disasters you'll never guess what answer will appear?

Yep, it's all gaslighting and it's all guess work.  WAKE UP PEOPLE.  It's about time, the majority who are asleep actually woke up to what is going on around them and started just applying some basic logic questions to these things.  A bit of the good old Rudyard Kipling:

I keep six honest serving-men

   (They taught me all I knew);

Their names are What and Why and When 

   And How and Where and Who.

I send them over land and sea,

   I send them east and west;

But after they have worked for me,

   I give them all a rest. 

I let them rest from nine till five,

    For I am busy then,

As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,

   For they are hungry men.

But different folk have different views; 

  I know a person small—

She keeps ten million serving-men,

  Who get no rest at all! 

She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,

   From the second she opens her eyes—

One million Hows, two million Wheres,

  And seven million Whys! 

And Now? Well? Now We Deal With The Fallout

 I have to say that I felt wounded yesterday as if someone had literally stuck a knife in my back except it was my stomach and chest that I could feel the tension in.  I could be outraged I suppose that someone who I have worked alongside for I think 9 years now could round on me quite aggressively and it hurts in a way to have expended all that effort for it to be wasted and to go nowhere just because they've had (what appears to me) a mental ablution.

It is a massive act of self harm really as on one day he gives away part of his business empire (it isn't built yet BTW and so is worthless as it stands) and threatens me that the new owner must have their shares blah blah blah blah.  Well, it doesn't take Einstein to tell you that if you then torpedo the business by leaving before it is launched then there's every likelihood that there isn't going to be any reward for those shares anyway?  Sometimes I shake my head and say "It's not me is it?" It's utterly crazy.

I've put everything on hold for a short while whilst I decide what to do about the business.  I can close it down, in some ways a blessed relief from all the pressure.  I'm retired I only did it to help him out in the first place.  It's now complicated.  I dislike complicated.  It needs some capital to get it over the line.  Am I prepared to put more investment in to get it over the line and in front of people?  I only need to sell a few of these a year and I can cover the costs.

So I am being a spreadsheet jockey and doing my Excel gymnastics with the figures to see what impact this has had on the business and on me.  I really, really don't need all this cr@p.  Not at my age FFS.

So I am left to deal with the toys out of the pram moment and I suppose as he no longer wants to talk to me have anything to do with me that is going to be that.  It's bizarre almost as if his Ego has taken control of his head but I can't do anything about him just the fallout I've now inherited.

Well, I wasn't Expecting That

 People.  They can be unexpectedly and inexplicably stupid and vicious and unfathomable all at the same time.  It's what makes humans humans I suppose.

So yesterday I received a letter from my "business partner" which you might as well have stabbed me through the heart with.  He'd been a "bit weird" last week but this was full on toys out of the pram tantrum and the upshot is, after about 9 years (I think) just as we are about to actually go live, he pulls the plug.  Mmm.  I'm the business person not the ideas person.

It's reminiscent of a story I told him about people who talk themselves out of something it becomes a "Self Fulfilling Prophecy" and you see it a hell of a lot in business.   This guys has stewed away for days possibly longer that I'm up to something.  That's a bit difficult as we aren't even trading yet.  Despite me being transparent with him (as I was showing him the tender for Accounting services) he started to get really agitated that I was on the take. Of course, that really cannot happen with the small amount of money in the bank and we aren't making any money just spending it!  

Next he wants to dilute his shares.  OK that's fine but oh no, apparently I didn't do it fast enough for him (he didn't give me the proper address nor did he answer his phone) so I had to find the address myself.  Now I've got a serious threatening letter to deal with on top of that.  Trying to contact him and eventually finding the information myself took a few days.  You'd have thought I'd have brought the end of the world in upon him!  The letter went off a few days late and I imagine he got it yesterday but oh no, worse was to come.  He's quit the business, left me to run it on my own and at the same time threatened my person too.  Yes all in writing.  

I've been left with no choice but to accept his resignation and all the other stuff but of course, it probably means that the business will now fold and the shares he's given to his friend are worth..... yes you've guessed it, absolutely nothing if I shut the business down like I'm probably going to have to.  A nice gift idea that will backfire on him big time.  All because he wouldn't take my call and thought I'd talk him out of it.  I don't really care what he does with his shares, he can do what he likes. I care that after all this time he's "gone off on one" and destroyed our relationship, his business (albeit I run it) and that's it, all his dreams and ideas that we sweated over and honed over the years undone in a few moments careless writing and a few days stewing in his kitchen getting angrier and angrier to the point that the prophecy became fulfilled.

So now he and all the other shareholders may or may not have a business left.  I've got a disturbing set of threatening letters and he's got no further part in what's left of the business.  I think he hasn't actually thought about this properly especially giving shares to someone else (for their birthday).  Imagine being the one to give you a worthless piece of paper in your birthday card and thinking you've done a good thing.  Up until yesterday the gift may well have been worth a lot of money, as it stands today, not so much!

I feel betrayed, of course I do and once my anger had subsided as I dislike being called anything but a professional in my job, I was able to write the business acceptance back to him, lay out the considerations and what his actions had done to the business and I have a few days now to decide what to do in the interests of the company and its subscribers.  What a complete waste of everyone's time and money and for what?   Human nature, Ego, Pain Body, Pride perhaps and we all know what comes after Pride.

I'm annoyed as we can almost taste the launch.  All the website, social media and so on are in place and running (well until today that is).  It's going to be a decision to launch with risk or shut it down completely and I need to work that out in the next day or so!  What a sh1t show of the first order... 

Almost There - Trying Not To Give A ....

I think there's a point you reach when you decide not to give a flying f*** about things.  I'm quite close now because I have always tried to be a good citizen, help people out, hell I've helped raise other people's kids and helped them out getting onto a career ladder often at my expense and my time and last night I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday which set off a series of thoughts and reminiscences about my life.  

Life disappoints.  Not life in itself but people.  They never quite turn out to be as good as you first expect of them.  No one is quite (as good as I am) being an INTJ will be part of this problem in the way that I fully expect the same level of commitment and quality from those around me as I'd give myself.

So today I am looking at moving my savings out of where I've always had them because the Government of the day not content with taking away fuel for winter and doubling the price seem intent on taxing everything so I might as well use all the allowances available and secure my savings in another way.  That's the sort of people they are.  Having saved all my life and put myself in a position so as not to be a burden on the state, they are coming after me and my money that will if they carry on make me a burden on the state and if I had been a lazy bugger all my life and not made such provisions I'd be fine as they'd be throwing money at me! 

It makes no sense but the politics of envy never does.  I really hope, hard as it will be on us, that the financial impact embarrasses them and we see the curtain pulled back and finally observe what we all know that these amateurs have no idea what they are doing (well I hope they don't know).  Never interrupt an enemy when they are making a mistake is something I've always lived by and this week onward it will be me watching them all accelerating into a car crash that everyone but them can see coming.

So I now need to eat my own dog food or eat the frog and so what I'd advise people to do and that's not to give a flying f*** about it all.  Look after number one and observe these complete muppets impale and disgorge themselves on the reality of the world albeit it at our expense and making us all poorer in the process - I like that they will dazed arise from the car crash with incredulous eyes, shrugging their shoulders, wiping off the dust and debris and asking each other "What happened there?" 

Decision Time

 In regards to the business partner nonsense.  I've decided that it is just that, nonsense.  I'm sure this chap is talking it over with other people and thinks I am pulling the wool over his eyes and as with many people who aren't actually in business or have never "enjoyed" the ups and downs of business ownership, hiring and firing, litigation and all that sh1t these sage advisiors really don't know what they are talking about, have no experience and have read it in a book somewhere.

I recall listening to "business people" telling me all about Venture Capital and Business Angels having never been involved in one themselves and Mentors who hadn't managed to mae a million out of their chosen profession.  

And so, I thought about this and decided to do nothing.  Nothing at all.  I've switched off from doing anything to do with the company or the imminent launch of the product.  Three or four months now I've been engaged every day in producing social media campaigns, signing up for platforms, getting accountants briefed and so on.  I've invested all that time and effort and I've also been drilling deeply into contracts and the like.  Insurance and other stuff is also all bubbling away and sod it.  I'm leaving it all to just sit there.  He can't be bothered to answer my calls.  Fair enough, I imagine he's hiding.  I don't know what his next move will be either.  He can't actually affect the business as such.  I suppose he could get the shareholders together and remove me but I doubt he is thinking like that either.  

His letter throws a big left hook followed by a cheery let's get on and do this.  SO my turn to not answer telephone calls, not instigate them either and just let him think about things for a while.  It's all so familiar to me, these huge incidents of self harm inflicted on your own business and your own ideas!  Attaching the very person who is willing and able to get you to where you want to go.  I used to say that they'd rescued defeat from the jaws of victory or that they in themselves fulfil their own prophecy of doom.  This self immolation this huge and scary act of self harm isn't rare.  So many times have I witnessed it and tried to stop people doing it that it is best to let them commit their own ritual seppuku, or hara-kiri - they are compelled to do it, like a moth drawn to a flame there's no way you can stop it by logic or reason.

So, let them do it and as long as the business isn't harmed then I can pick up the pieces and move on from there.  I just need them to have the space and the length of rope long enough to get them their lesson learned.  

It amuses me that the "Brain of Britain" as I shall call him at the same time as his cortex explodes, gives away a significant number of shares of the businesses (to be fair they are his to give away) to a non participant, way more than other actual participants are rewarded.  In doing this, his controlling interest is diluted which makes life interesting for me as sole Director!  

In a way I'm sending him to Coventry for a while to see if he can decide for himself what he might have done wrong and to consider atoning for his behaviour.  I'm going to take a well deserved rest from this now.  I've worked too hard and put in far too many hours to then be abused for running the business within the law, within its Articles or Association, on behalf of the shareholders etc.  My duty of care has been rewarded with a metaphorical kick in the teeth and so a rest is not unduly won I'd say. 

Now That's Sad

 Sir Chris Hoy, Gold Olympian and who appears to me to be just a thoroughly nice human being says he has terminal cancer diagnosis.   To top that, his wife has just been diagnosed with MS.  They found a secondary cancer tumour in his shoulder some time ago which was traced to prostate cancer.  How awful.

When I heard that and I also saw someone talking last night about their cancer treatments I got quite a strong flashback to my Immunotherapy sessions.  It was a shock to feel the pain (yes) and the body shakes and then recollect the side effects of passing out stuff from my body.  Suddenly I felt the sadness of it and I feel tears trying to escape as I type this because it was something I went through and it was necessary to fight the cancer I had.  It was a lot worse than I let on to anyone because you protect them as much as you are trying to protect yourself (if that even makes sense?).  But I was aware of something a lot more that that.  I was really sad because my Ex nursed me through all of it and I felt bad about that.  She really did look after me, drove me to and from the appointments (there was probably no way I could have driven back).  Looked after me, fed me, brought water, made sure I did what I had to do (timings, changing position to let the stuff I was infused with get to all parts of my Bladder.  She brought food up to me when I was lying and recovering in bed and on top of that she looked after the girls and the house and all that whilst I was pretty much incapacitated for at least two days a week.  After six days I'd go and get it done all over again and believe me, this stuff is cumulative.  If you felt bad at week one, by week six you'd had about as much as you could take. 

And I feel a sh1t that I broke up with her.  I feel sad and bad and upset and annoyed, regretful, a bit of a bastard that after all that, things changed so much that I wanted out.

It's strange I suppose.  We didn't row or fight or be massively angry with each other and she was very tolerant of me I think.  Things just fell apart towards the end despite some effort on both of our parts.

Today I really feel bad about it.  The balance will be that it was probably better to walk away than to stay where I was slipping in and out of depression. 

I suppose it is better to be regretful than hateful?  I don't know, today feels like a bad day, reflecting on the news and then remembering stuff that I try not to think about.  Blimey it was tough but the upside is that I am still here.  The treatment worked, perhaps a few too many scopes and operations that weren't needed but you never know do you?

So, What Happened To The School Bully / Bullies?

 I just saw a clip on YouTube where the Labour party was described as those annoying kids at school always interrupting and I thought about those kids that were bullies as they too were one of the hates at school weren't they?  So the late 60s and early 70s were my school years - senior school that is and I was one of the bullied, as I suppose a number of us were.

 I like to remember that we did actually do something about it when we were able and the main thing was to get the school bully alone in a dark alley and belt the crap out of him.  You just had to disguise yourself and use gang tactics.  Some learned their lessons, some not.  We had two Judo champs at school - no one knew as they'd just joined but the bullies got their comeuppance when they rounded on them and as I recall there were some hospitalised wounded.

When I left school I didn't have much to do with them but one guy decided to try it on and be a smart arse.  As a trainee electrician I was a lot fitter than he may have remembered me and frankly he was no match and went down like a sack of spuds.  I was pretty fit if I say so myself.  I wouldn't mind being as slim and well built as I was back then.

Then I got to thinking and you hear things and when meeting up with old chums and chatting you also hear of the fate of these.  Most as far as I can tell are dead.  A few had particularly sticky ends, one died in a road crash and another got something horrible and died in his 20s.  As far as I can remember there isn't one of them left now.  I wonder if they were rotten inside and karma just sorted them out from the gene pool?   You'd like to think so after all they made hundreds of lives miserable and they weren't really good for anything.

I imagine you might think me very harsh to say this and suggest that it is cruel but when you've been on the receiving end of this thuggery, threats and bullying it's good to hear that they eventually received their own medicine many times over!