Tuesday Blues

 I met with my cousins yesterday, a bit late notice as they weren't expecting to drive down this way but a quick look and I found a half way pub we could meet up at.  It was nice to catch up.

I trialled my Hearing Aids but I really found them difficult to work with as they made everything so loud (yes I know I can turn them down).  There are three settings sort of General, Outside and Inside but I could not work out which was which so I am going to try at home during the week. I have trouble hearing people in loud places, like pubs and restaurants especially these days when there is a move towards solid wall surfaces / brick and steel etc rather than soft absorbent materials so the sound bounces around and they insist on playing music everywhere.

I like music but imagine that, the chatter of other people, the machinery of a pub or restaurant and I struggle.  Actually my hearing is surprisingly good and my right ear where Ih ad 15 or so operations (or thereabouts) is, for all of that, only just below normal.  However it is inevitable that I'll require these aids but hopefully only in certain situations.

I'm feeling a little blue and down again.  My flashbacks take me to interesting periods in my life and the replays are generally OK but there's this regret and doubt coming in to play and I need to stop this "What if" and "Maybe if I" and so on.  These things happened in that order and you can't replay them.  It would be nice to think that finally something that didn't happen 50 years ago might magically happen now and all the happiness that your brain associates with that particular union might be kindled forever.  Stupid old romantic fool!  Of course not.  That's the problem and often as we used to say as youngsters "The thought is often better than the deed" and isn't that the truth.  I'll leave you to ponder on that but give one example.  I really liked this girl at school and she was in a relationship with one of the lads I knew and so everything was off limits.  I was chatting to her one day when she sort of let slip that she had broken up with him and so I suggested a date.  I'm not normally a quick worker or anything but she was a nice girl, very pretty and way out of my league.  To my surprise she said yes.  I was delighted but after a few drinks and back to her place she had the worst halitosis I've ever encountered.  It didn't really go on from there and after a few dates we sort of drifted apart and her ex came back on the scene.  The thought was indeed much better than the deed.  Nice girl though nevertheless.

So I need to stop making these rose tinted flashbacks unless I use them for a best selling novel of course, then all these experiences can be relived, garnished and served up as the truth!  

That Sort Of Day

 It's been a strange sort of day.  Cousins are down our way on a last minute trip and I am trying to arrange a place to meet up that's not too far away from both of us!  A bit of late notice but they didn't know until last night.

It is strange how my mind is being drawn back to incidents of my early working days.  I was reminded about this time of year was a round of taking gifts to customers, taking them out for Christmas meals, your team office parties and so on were always something that I tried to avoid if at all possible.  As "the boss" you'd always get someone have a few too many and start to lecture you so I'd go for the first hour or so and the make my excuse and retire to somewhere else with a few fellow team mates where we'd have a few and go home leaving the office to its own destiny.

I remembered how I enjoyed coming home on the train at this time of year and generally I'd be late, it was not unknown that I'd leave after 7 or 8 pm and the trains would either be boiling hot or freezing cold never comfortable.  One the way from London you'd speed past houses with their Christmas Trees and Lights on.  Houses looking warm (even if you weren't) and try and imagine that each and every one of those houses would be happy and looking forward to a Christmas few days off.  It was before Mobile Phones and I might either be reading a book or listening to my cassette player.  Whatever it was to be there was something comforting about the row on row of houses and flats with their trees lit up.

I'd have a long walk home from the station which I might get a bus or if I was feeling flush a taxi but generally I walked home and recall how cold it was.  These days, thankfully it doesn't seem to get as bad as it was in the 70s and 80s although our politicians would obviously like us to live in cold times to reinforce their ideology.

It was nice to then have the half day on the day we finished for Christmas, have a few drinks and then come home knowing that you had a week or two off and could relax.  Generally, that meant catching a cold or the Flu as your body stopped being a stressed out worker!  

It's OK To Not Be OK Right?

I find myself going through cycles again of gloom and then relative happiness and then to a period of acceptance and it's up and down all the time.

Whether or not this is me, my circumstances, surroundings or the time of year (again) I don't know.  I was thinking (dangerous) that things these days are not how I felt say 30 or so years ago.  By that I mean that I don't have the recreated feelings I did years ago, things have lost their sparkle, I've become more cynical and the veil of the world as it used to be presented to me has dropped away showing ugly avarice and corruption behind it.  Picture the Wizard of Oz where the curtains are pulled back and all is revealed for what it actually was not the grand show it projected itself prior to that.  

So perhaps that's what it is?  I think that I'd like people to stop p1ssing me off, stop interfering in my life, stop taking money off me and so on.  

The conversation with the Developer was, as usual, one of a further slip.  It appears to be not his fault and there's a work around but it really is an 11th hour problem and I'm sure there will be more but it is just draining on me.  I feel that people take your power away by draining all of yours.  It feels like that, perhaps it isn't so.

For now, I will have to just ride along with that and hope that we get some sort of resolution to that.  Everywhere else, I feel I am in this rut that I just can't quite get out of.  It seems to me to be myself defeating myself even though I know I've had plenty of stuff to beat me down and give me a tough time.  IT problems, the App, the Gates and House Maintenance - I just need to actually do something about them.  It would be easy to sit in the corner, grab a few beers and wallow in the despair of it all - but that's never fixed anything and it is just a matter of getting fired up to actually do things again.  I can see things that I could do and I'm still sitting here "thinking about it" which will never get a job done.

Anyway, I content myself at the moment that it is OK to be a bit down but that I need to boost my mind and get on and actually tackle stuff that's in front of me.

Disappointment, Despondency, SNAFU

 It is interesting that I never quite get to a point in my life when I am happy or satisfied and I often, like just now, get to a low point in thinking or existing, I don't know what that is.

I know what it is that troubles me but I seem powerless to actually do something about it.  I expect far too much of people and I find that anyone who doesn't perform their job to my standards is an issue to me.  

These are problems I've had all my life but I do find bad service, incompetence, hypocrisy and other such traits annoying.  I've someone who didn't wrap the goods up properly which arrive broken will not refund me unless I post back (abroad mind you) the item.  We are both strongly disagreeing in our own respective languages and I will have great joy in making it very difficult for them but it's for a few pounds and it's the principle in this case.  Giving me less than 10% of the value back isn't what you do when you've screwed up.

I've fixed (partially) the data loss problems and everything is now being backed up but I don't like the industrial outcome of my solution.

The heating system needs attention but I haven't got the quote yet so I really need that to budget for at the moment the IT costs have taken that money I put by.

The App Developer is about to deliver me more bad news.  What a surprise, it's slipped again and I've got to the point now where I really cannot be bothered to be upset anymore about it.  I have never known anything so bad.  There is a book called "The Mythical Man Month" by Fred Brooks it was published way back in the 1970s I think. It led to Brooks's Law and projects fall behind one day at a time and it is an interesting read.  I used to talk about this as part of my job and I used the analogy that if it took 1,000 men I month to build a mile of road then if I put 30,000 men on it, we'd do it in a day!  Here lies the challenge of Project Management in that it isn't a spreadsheet world and you cannot just add more resource and expect things to be done quicker (there are lots of reasons).  

So, it's a classic tale of optimism versus talent versus in this case and in what will soon be seven years, he has only hit one target milestone and that's the first one. So what do I do?  I've already got angry, helpful, given extra money and been hard and soft man with him.  I've read him his future in my Crystal Ball and it isn't pleasant.  It will be what it will be but my fabled Christmas Launch originally for 2019 hasn't happened yet again.  

I find myself in a sloth of despondency yet I don't need to be.  I know this, I try quite hard to not be (perhaps where I am going wrong).  I should just be in the moment but it seems it's just one thing after the other.  Of course you shouldn't worry about these as what else can you do but I feel that I am piling stuff on and not taking it off.  I need to start to care less or not at all about such things and get on with my life and start to enjoy retirement.  At the moment, I miss work even though I feel that I am working a lot more than I should.

I will have to tackle this as I feel that it is dragging me down.  

I Suppose That's Something - Gates Almost Fixed

 I did some more maintenance on the gates again.  This time I removed the old bracket and re-positioned it, change the limit switches and cut away a bit of the fence to allow the motor arm to move a little further in.  Well, it seems to have brought it back to where it was before.  It's an improvement from the problems I've been having, it is the same as it was prior to that and perhaps in the summer it will be a bit better when the gates and posts dry out.  You'd be surprised at just how much the wood swells up and now the gates are bashing into each other again.  I've adjusted them and sanded some off to allow them to work properly.

That's one job down but I'm sure there will be others too.  The outside doors have rain deflectors over them which need a clean as they are getting moss and algae build up but the wind (gales) of last week have loosened their fixings so once again, I will have to sort that out. It seems never ending to me, there's one thing after the other.  It would be nice just to have a quiet time to myself and not have anything go wrong.

Pressure - I Don't Normally Get Headaches

 It's been a bad week all in all although things are getting better but I could have done without the expense of sorting out IT and now doubling it just in case.  Once bitten twice shy they say but this was quite a psychological hit considering I really thought that I'd nailed the backups and storage etc.

I felt bad yesterday knowing that I'd get the PC back but not certain about whether the Server would kick back to life.  It didn't but I was able to revive it and an upload of the last firmware release did the trick thank goodness.  Later this weekend there will be three servers and UPS sets so let's hope that I've learnt my lessons!

Of course the gates are givig me trouble yet again.  The cold weaher must have frozen the brackets and made the gates work and now they've defrosted, the issue is back but I can see the drive bracket moving and so I've ordered some bolts and nuts (can you believe among the hundreds I've got, not one fits!).

So I woke at 4 am and my mind was alive with realising that I DO have nuts and bolts spare as I have the second set of gates equipment!  Oh FFS and of course they are made for it.  Anyway, I will go and do that while I am waiting for the IT stuff.  Then my mind kicked in about how to use the spare bays I have for Memory for the PC then I need to get some other stuff sorted - I have three old PCs that I need to get rid of and I know a nice man who recycles them.  I could I suppose sell the MAC, I'll see if hey are going for reasonable money - it's a big and heavy beast of a machine.

Other than that, I can now get back on to my newsletters, accounts and getting the App tested.

My head though is pretty bad and I am certain that it is caused by the stress of this week and the IT problems.  Let's hope that after tomorrow I will be secured, I'd hate to go through that again!   

Got My Life Back?

 Well, I got my PC back and thank goodness I read enough to try and rescue my server which was showing red lights everywhere and no data!!!  There's 9 TB of data on there and so it was with some relief that the PC arrived with new PSU and it sounds good I have to say, tight like a new;y serviced car.  The server showed no signs of waking up and so I tried a few reboots, light twinkles and so on but no, it wouldn't have it :-) 

I remembered that the last time this happened I updated the firmware and whilst it would do it itself I manually updated it and there it was all lit up green and healthy however too late to cancel the recovery system I'd bought for it!  Not to worry though.  Arriving tomorrow are UPS sets, two more servers and I'll be able to back up the data properly once again.

I suppose I need to look at getting a new PC too.  I think I have seen one that I like but, of course, new stuff isn't compatible with my lovely old screens and so on!  

Our MPs have seen it necessary to pass the Assisted Dying Act and I think that perhaps this really needed more time and more discussion than it had.  You probably won't get your life back.  It's a difficult thing and MPs are our last line of protection but I don't think that they've done justice to this at all.  In some ways I think that we should have the discussion and review it but surely one day in Parliament is insufficient time and as most of them seem to need someone to help them get dressed and go to the toilet they may not be the right people to actually debate this sort of thing. 

I;m not certain it is the right step forward at all.  I felt that my Father's death was perhaps a good thing, he'd had enough and he wasn't going to get better but I wondered whether a better approach and good palliative care would have been a better way for him rather than in a ward in a Hospital, a Hospice would in my mind have been kinder.  No one wants to suffer and the whole thing including the family and safeguarding need to be applied.  Again, these days, our medical professionals seem to be super drug dealers than practitioners and so I wonder how it will materialise and work out in practice?  It's a big subject and I truly think they should have had more time to consider it and to consult properly.  I very much doubt that the whole picture was presented to everyone who voted.

Instinct Maybe

 I said I had a dread felling this morning.  Well EVRI delivered my Magnetron all the way from China, in only a few days and blow me down, it's broken.  Just to prove it I stuck it in the Microwave turned it on and got a big humming noise and a bang.

No packaging, it was just in a cardboard box and had been dropped and landed on the Antenna bit that sticks into the Microwave Oven itself!  I've now been on to the Manufacturer but they're just going to credit me and not send a new one.  If a new one is delivered in the same condition, what use is it?

How on earth they can manufacture these for about £12 delivered is the first mystery but why send it on a journey half way around the world without putting at least a bit of polystyrene over the Antenna?!  

So maybe that was what it was.  These things are easy enough to replace - as long as you know what you are doing and don't stick your hand across the HV side or the capacitor.  hey don't send replacements, they refund your money! 

Now, do I just keep sticking it out until one arrives properly packaged?

That Dread Feeling

 Do you get that dread feeling in the pit of your stomach sometimes?  Well, it is happening to me right now.  The PC looks as if the PC guru might have fixed it but the server still looks as dead as a Dodo.  I thought I'd covered eventualities but probably not and that's annoying that I hadn't made a double double back up although, of course, I had made some back ups but you then find you never made enough back ups LOL.

I find that things that happen are almost "personal" affronts to me.  I know they are not but the gates have started playing up again and were fine a day ago!  The PC and Server broke.  The Hot Water Cylinder needs a new installation and so on.  I just felt that these things were all happening at once and for some strange reason, I should have been able to mitigate them.  Of course you can't mitigate any of them.  You can over engineer things and over think things (my particular Achilles Heel) to a point where everything affronts you and causes you pain etc.

Of course I know better than that, of course I do.  The trouble is that your head then plays a sort of chess game between ego and rational and various other areas of your mind and you have to stop it.  It takes a while, you have to realise what it is that is going on and then switch it off. 

It's been a list of things really.  The Inventor blowing up, burning his bridges and leaving the business, the developer suddenly adding a further 9 month delay to an already 6 year delayed product. The gates not working, Microwave blowing up, PC stopped working, Server stopped working, car needing a new tyre (but thankfully nothing else) and on and on it goes.

I think also there's the back of my mind what is it going to cost part too.  It's not cheap at all.  The repair to my PC is around half of what I paid for it but of course that was 10+ years ago so in real terms it isn't too bad.  The Microwave should cost around £12 to repair - I was an electrician so I can repair things like this together with fault finding so that's OK too.  You can get parts shipped over from China in a week or two and at reasonable prices.  The Magnetron is £12 shipped.  How on earth they can make them at this price and ship to the UK is beyond me.  But that's what they do and you can see the mark up from UK based suppliers.  I don't think anywhere else makes these things these days.

Watching programmes about China it is impressive how they have taken over almost the whole world in terms of manufacturing, there are a few things they don't do but they are catching up and they lead in some areas way ahead of us.

Our "people" just don't seem to get it at all, we are destroying our manufacturing capabilities by hiking energy prices and also refusing to produce our own raw materials relying on imports.  Don't get me started on it really as it is a whole new conversation to be had around economics and global dominance of markets.  China doesn't actually need our markets in the West if we make it difficult for them to trade.  Just look at the rest of the world and the population spreads.  Our 67 million people aren't exactly a huge market place especially if we restrict and lump on tariffs it's easier for them to sell to countries who don't do this.  Anyway, another discussion for another day.  Let's get my PC back and working then try and do CPR on my server (hitting it with a defibrillator would really kill it though LOL).  Please send luck and good vibes for the patient!

Inconvenient

Yes, it is inconvenient and I am now on my backup of backup old laptop which sort of works but trying to update it to the latest incarnation of Linux has proved fruitless it just won't do it!  Oh well, it's something I guess and here we are.

My password machine is part on the server and part on the PC which is a pain in the arse once again - it is secure but not when both parts of the equation break down simultaneously.  Stuff like addresses and important dates are also shared across the two areas.  

It makes you wonder how we operated without all of this "good" IT stuff before.  

I'm just going to have to make the best of it at the moment and work my way through recovering (it that is possible) all my stuff.  I think I can get all the files recovered but it is just such a pain having to do it.  Once they are recovered I have to re-build the IT system and take out any possibility of a double failure like this

In other news, I have found the fault in the Microwave and the new Magnetron is on its way to me.  Hopefully, that will give me a chance to repair and clean it ready for Christmas.  It's very useful although I do have another Microwave as well, this one is quite a lot more convenient.

My hearing aids are great but need adjusting down a bit as they make everything so very loud, like they are supposed to.  There are a couple of settings for outside, inside, and general that I need to get used to.  

The boiler has been serviced and now we await the quote to replace the megaflow and associated pipework.  Just another bill to be paid but with any luck this should set up for 25 years as long as it is regularly maintained which the previous one wasn't. 

FIngers crossed that we get all this stuff fixed ASAP.  

Oh Bugger it!

 Bugger it indeed.  We had a power cut on Saturday.  A big storm rolled in and took out the power lines. It happens every now and again.  I'm pretty careful with my it and data.  the pc is backed by a RAID 6 server and I have some mirroring in the cloud.  If my PC died I have a backup.  however, not only did that happen but also my Server with all its protection and battery system didn't do its job and is now refusing to restart!

The PC is in for repair I just hope that it is the PSU that has gone.  If so, then I can possibly get the server back online.  If the PC is toast  then I need to get more creative.  It's annoying as I was just waiting for the Black Friday event to get a new server and to set up mirroring on site and off site!

Typical for your IT system to do this.  Oh well, we live and we learn  

Stop Telling Me What To Do

 The creep of the State in this country is ominous.  This socialist ideologue driven government seem to want to Nanny us in everything we do.  The latest under 16 use of social media for example.  Why aren't parents allowed to look after their own children as I did with mine.  They soon found out that various websites weren't working and that I shut down access to the internet for them at bedtime.  What a terrible father I was!  It is easy to do if you have a router.  There were some sharing sites that may have been what everyone was doing back then but I am sure were not legally doing so, so I explained what I was doing and why, what copyright was/is and that those sites wouldn't be available.  If nothing else, it stopped virus and Trojan attacks too.

The  state don't actually work FOR us at all, in fact we, the very people who give them the power are meant to be their masters but it doesn't happen.  It hasn't happened for years and so the only thing you can do is ignore them, get around anything that they do and build resistance.  Live despite them.  When I used to be employed my directors and managers had rules imposed because there needed to be rules of course but some were plainly stupid and wrong.   So what you did was use them when they were to your advantage and get around them when it was likely to affect business or the customer.  You used your common sense and if someone said "You broke the rules" you could always point out that the customer was happy :-)

Using the rules works well when it is a stupid rule.  One of my businesses decided, in its infinite wisdom, to change the reporting system from one that took me a few minutes a day to one that took a whole day.  The level of granularity (it must have been an accountant) went to 15 minute slots and these were also entered using a work code that was broken down to a number of extra levels.  This was to analyse what we were working on and how much GA (General Admin) time we were claiming.  I used to claim around 1 hour a week as I had to do a time-sheet and expenses claim to bill the customer.  I did that on a Friday afternoon evening and so on Monday morning the boss and the admin person would have these to bill the customer.

I remember being horrified that instead of a single sheet for each element we then had a combined system that we had to complete online.  That system rather than being local was located abroad on a server.  Better than that, it was loaded with the company's rules (expenses Vs grade levels etc). If you strayed outside of one of the rules it would red flag your submission and you had to write why the rule was broken - even if it was know that my customer asked specifically for these rules to be broken and was willing to pay for them.

 I dropped a not to my boss stating that the customer wouldn't pay for me to fill in this new form and so I would do it on a Friday afternoon and so we would lose half a day's fees.  He wasn't happy but I suggested he explain it to the customer why he should be made to pay for something that he didn't normally pay for and to explain  to me why I should spend my time doing this sheet outside of the hours he paid me for? He had no stomach for a fight and my manager never went to see customers, they didn't really do that!  

So the first Friday report I did took me way more than four hours and I decided to not fill it in properly and sent it in half complete with an email saying how long it had taken me and that it needs fixing, I also attached the old sheet which had taken me 20 or 30 minutes and suggested they get an admin to do this as I was an expensive asset.

The next week I took the whole day off and started doing this sheet, it needed the activity, activity code and sub code etc.  As it was on a server in another country it took forever to get the code and populate the sheet.  As a stickler for the rules I made sure that every 15 minute increment was slightly different in activity code for the job.  The whole of Friday was of course now time spent filling in this form and so my general admin went from 1 hour a week to 7 and a half hours.  Better than that I was posting my expenses in and my customer used to book me in to stay at a very nice Hotel in Brussels and also I used to enjoy first class travel on the Eurostar to get there and back too.  This had been agreed and so I paid, the company reimbursed me and the customer paid plus the admin fee on top.  The Hotel was the same one other members of the team stayed at and it had been agreed so all was well until I entered the expenses.

Red Flags went off everywhere.  It was against company policy, it needed all the information and emails were sent to head of VP Europe Consulting, My boss, head of UK and how about this, the Office of the CEO also got a copy of it.  We are talking here of perhaps £50 over my pay grade Hotel cost LOL.  You'd have thought a world war was about to start I got emails from all these people and my boss was going apoplectic.  I had a standard piece of test that I'd send off for this sort of thing saying that this was agreed with the business, to see the contract documentation etc and that it had been going on for months.  Now you'd have thought that they would alter the timesheet to take account of this wouldn't you?  NO of course not, they would get the responses to my email and then alter the sheet after sending me the pay grade email saying don't do it again to which I'd respond and say go talk to the customer and rearrange the contract that agrees to this and also you are being paid for it so what's the issue?  So I'd go every two weeks for two or three days at a time and bingo, every occurrence was red flagged.  

I got called into the office thereby wasting a further day of Admin GA time.  When I got there the manager read the policy out to me.  I asked if that was it?  Apparently so, so I explained that I'd wasted a day coming into the office which could not be billed to the customer andthat if he read my emails and looked at the contract he'd see that this was all agreed and also to speak to the sales team who agreed it.

So that week I only did three days for the customer, two days were wasted (as opposed to now one day a week) and he had the cheek to drop me an email saying that my GA time was now 20% (and of course 40% the week before) where it had been almost zero before.  We were losing revenue and not just me the whole business had suddenly lost productivity and were scratching their heads to try and work out why.  A big meeting was called and once again, (the distance of my customer meant I couldn't travel to the office and back and there in a day).  Over 120 of us in a room where my dickhead boss said that he was concerned with the way we had dropped our numbers and how GA time was going up and revenue down.

He obviously saw me shaking me head in disbelief and wasn't complimentary and asked me to speak.  So I did, he was horrified when I explained what problem we were all having.  I then explained that today, every one of his team was not productive and he'd lost 20% of his revenue this week in a meeting and was likely to lose a further 20% of revenue later when we all had to try and combat the crap IT system we were trying to use.  We were an IT company FFS!   When I said the problems I was having and my customer was getting unhappy with me not working as I previously had you could hear and see people agreeing.  I also said the system was thrust upon us and it wasn't fit for purpose.  I had a copy of the CEO's email to me as it was he that had to pass my expenses!  The CEO, not VP Europe and not my boss.  

I have no idea if they ever dealt with it but I used to have Fridays off at home spending all day filling this stupid form in and making cups of coffee in between waiting for it to come up with a work code and also watching it red flag everywhere.  I left that business and set up on my own after that.  

Just another thing, like the government that suits their spredsheet jockeys but not the workers or the customers.  There's always a way around it or you use it to your advantage and make them looks stupid.

Here's a quick aside.  We were not allowed to buy certain goods over a certain value (let's say £5K) without 3 quotes.  OK, the purchasing department were meant to get them for you but they weren't engineers and so the spec may have been a problem.  Some customers actually specify a particular thing and manufacturer supported with a quote.  So we had to buy a Diesel Generator a backup for a large building it was, even back in those days around £175K or perhaps a bit more.  Our Purchasing department were kicking off and so my boss said, buy a barrel of diesel from the company who made the generator.  Which I did so the purchase order went in and then we did an amendment to order for a generator which went through the system without issue.  If you know your way around.....

So Stop Telling Me What To Do.  If it is silly I'll get around it! 

Strange Sayings

I saw that someone posted whether " A poke in the eye with a sharp stick" was still used in everyday parlance and I think it is and whilst I am waiting for my videos and photos to upload so I can send them to Customer Service in China it got me thinking about what people say.

"To be honest with you" or "I'm not going to lie to you" are strange ways to start a reply or a sentence with don't you think?  Yet a lot of people do that.  So what does that mean?  Do they tell lies normally?  Sometimes you hear "To tell you the truth" as well. Are all my friends untrustworthy?  I doubt it but it is one of those start a sentence lead ins that we use.  

A friend of mine when describing a conversation that someone had would describe it "So I turned around and said...." and then "he turned around and said to me..." "So I turned around and said...."  etc.  Gosh you must be really dizzy when it's a long conversation.

English is an interesting language made as it is from a mashing together of other languages but with strange rules and hidden meaning and nuances you have to have grown up with or you probably wouldn't get.  "Yea, but..." is another strange start to a reply and it is much used even when there is no "Yea" or indeed when there is no "But" either.

"you're not going to like this..." OK so don't tell me then!  Of course they'll tell you anyway.  "I shouldn't tell you this but...." and you've guessed it they tell you that too.  

I am sure you could pull together your own list and certain people have a certain way of talking to you and others.  I know quite a few that go "Mmmm, right" or "Mmmm" and then whisper repeat what you've said or the last few words in your own sentence.  Especially punch lines in jokes get a laugh followed by the "mmm, yea <insert punchline whispered here> .."

We all have our own mannerisms and quirks I am sure that I do having to deal with people who often made excuses for not delivering.  I often halted their "Yea but" "To tell you the truth.." and son on by holding up my hand for them to cease talking and repeating the question I had asked slowly but adding the words "Can you give me a straight yes or no answer...?>"  This was repeated until it was yes or no.  Depending on what the answer was we could then move on from there.

Hearing Aids Time

 I've had trouble with my ears all my life, especially my right ear which I had 11 or 13 operations on - I cannot recall now other than being very upset as a child about it culminating when I was around 19 with a Mastoidectomy which proved to be quite a painful experience with what I guess were migraine headaches for between 6 and 9 months afterwards.  

I managed to perforate the ear drum in a diving accident when I lost pressure.  That WAS painful and so I had all sorts of operations and plastic surgery and so on.

So my hearing although not perfect has done pretty well at around 80 to 90% and even a few years ago when I did a test it was still borderline whether I need aids or not.  

I did an online test and it concluded that I need to have a think about aids now and so I purchased a rather nice looking set from Amazon with great reviews.  I had a small amplifier before just for my right ear but it was quite loud and didn't do what I needed which was loud room work.  I can hear just fine normally but in a room full of people and also these days where there is hard finishes and echos, I struggle.

 I've only warn these a couple of times, goodness me, the difference is amazing.  It actually feels too much but we will see when I next go out how they actually fare.  I can hear myself breathing, rustling clothes and noises that I wouldn't normally hear at all.  I guess we grow deaf over time and I've managed to hold out until my late 60s so that's kind of OK especially as I was in the building trade when younger and I loved my loud music too.

I was very surprised quite what a difference these made and so I'm hoping that I will be able to get a bit more out of going out but I just need to turn them to minimum as they make everything so loud! 

Get Back To Reality

 Life's not like that is it?  What do I mean?  Well, check out the adverts and the way that those who communicate to you via whatever your chose media channel is.

Do these adverts and opinions and news pieces reflect what you know is reality? I'd be surprised if I recognise any "real" people in the current wall to wall Christmas adverts.  There's a loose grasp to things I suppose but other than that what are people trying to say and why are we getting certain types of family groups displayed on our screens.  If adverts for example are meant to get you buying the advertiser's products why does, for me, it do the total opposite?  Their message doesn't make me interested, spark my curiosity or anything else.  I just turn off or decide to steer clear of the product or the store etc.

Some adverts I've noticed pander to less than 1% of the population and that's fine but what about the other 99% who are watching at the same time and do the 1% actually watch this trash anyway?  Depictions of the countryside are way off beam, modern households comprise an interesting mix of people too.  I happened to watch a few adverts over the past few days and I honestly think that two of the brands that I have used have decided that I no longer fit into their plans for future sales.  In many ways the "Go Woke Go Broke" label applies in these cases because their adverts put me off ever going there again.  It will be interesting to see what happens to these "Brands" already one has had a lot wiped off its share price.  Sad for the employees and as for the managers and directors... What were you thinking?  I imagine you weren't thinking about your customers at all but want to appeal to any virtue signallers who you think might be interested in your, let's face it, middle class brands.

I read with interest that "People" don't really understand the countryside and how food gets from the great outdoors into plastic covered trays and fancy packaging and in to your kitchen.  Here we often discuss the fact that for us to eat, generally something has had to die to achieve this.  Despite a lot of programmes being available on how stuff gets made and distributed there is a glitter edged telling of the tale.  I live in the country and yet I don't realise the day-to-day life people lead to get food to us.  I worked in an Abattoir setting years ago, a local co-op of pig farmers ran it and let's say for most of us it would be a pretty upsetting scene.  Of course the animals were dispatched humanely and the factory part was scrupulously maintained and cleaned etc.  This production line saw every part of the Pig used.  Understanding this journey might be a useful life lesson for those who think food comes from supermarkets! 

When you see the large scale of farming it should blow your mind.  Here's a piece that you can read that will put a lot into perspective LINK.  So many people have no idea when it comes to how things get on their plate and all the "stuff" that goes on around it.

It's as if there is a big bubble of general ignorance that exists in our society and a huge knowledge gap.  I was impressed that quite a few people thought that pests should not be controlled?  How bizarre is that?  Anyway, I'm back to reality myself now!

What A Strange Day This Is

 It really is quite a strange day today.  Nothing to do with yesterday or last night I don't think.  A few strange thoughts in the morning about my Ex and how life might have been but I don't think it is that either.

I'm just sort of lost today.  I don't know exactly what it is.  My mother rang to say that she finally got her tests through and everything is fine, no problems which is great news as it sounded very bad indeed six or eight weeks ago.

I cannot quite work out why I feel so lost and helpless other than the world seems to be going to hell in a handcart.  I shouldn't let that bother me anyway so it's not that either.  I wonder what it is?  I've got to continue fault finding my gates but it is perishingly cold out there at the moment and I need to do some work that is delicate in a way with limit switches and so I'd rather do that when it is slightly above zero freezing.  That's not it either.

So what is it?  I can't quite fathom it out.  I know I've got to spend a lot of money on the house but I realised that when I called the maintenance man in.  I knew there was something not quite right with the heating and hot water.  So it might be that I have to dig into my savings.  Perhaps it is the fear of continually doing that but, I saved up when I was younger and hopefully I can fall back on some of that if I need to.

Perhaps it is something else that I haven't considered?  It could be age and thinking about that I suppose or maybe that I am just not getting on?  The business has stalled yet again with a problem in the software development process.  I don't know, it could be that or the delayed impact of losing the inventor and business partner and now doing it all myself?  It doesn't ring any mind bells typing it but once again, it is possible.  There really isn't much to do now, I've got everything lined up and just need to push the button but I wonder if it because we are heading towards Christmas and yet again, deadlines are being missed?  It would be good to actually launch it and see if it makes some money though.  Of course, I need to guarantee that there's money there in case we don't make any sales!

I don't think it is that either.  So is it something a bit deeper than that.  I often felt that I never really changed the world but then again, did I want to?  Working on things that changed people's lives, kept them employed and so on is probably enough I suppose.  But once again, why the strange not quite malaise I feel today?  Did I waste my life perhaps?  Could I have done things differently?  Without a doubt of course but given the choices and the paths I followed or went down things could only have been as they are now.

I felt really bad that I left my Ex though and she was in my thoughts earlier.  I tried my hardest not to but I probably left it too late and I hung on and hung on but things got worse not better but I did admire her for pulling me through the battle of Bladder Cancer and I am very glad she did.  Maybe I feel guilty that her reward was for me to leave?

Then I feel somewhat lonely every now and then.  When you leave someone, you don't just leave them, it is as if you divorce your friends too.  They either line up with you or your Ex.  Many of the friends I had are gone and I am out of contact with them.  Maybe, coming towards Christmas that is another thing I miss?

Whether or not I'll work this out I suppose doesn't really matter, I'm sure I'll be fine in a day or so.  Winter always makes me a little down anyway, the dark nights and mornings yet in a month it will be the shortest day and things start to return full circle.  

I am really not sure why I am so empty today though.  I feel very well in myself and the loss of weight really does seem to have made a difference and I have noticed in the past few weeks that things like my finger ring is loose as is my watch.  My trouser belt is in another notch too.  Clothes that were tight on me are now loose too.  That's all good stuff surely? 

I expect it is a combination of things perhaps all of the above that combine, that and yearning after lost friendships that should never have been lost in the first place.  

Shouldn't Have Done That

A bit silly last night.  I was on my own and after a successful day decided to have a beer.  I really shouldn't have done so but I did.  I say A beer but I had 4 cans albeit small ones throughout the evening.  It was quite pleasant to just actually relax and enjoy some "me time" as I haven't done that for a while.

There's a fair bit on my mind once again as it looks as if I will have to find money for a new cylinder and pipework for the heating / hot water.  I had the service engineer over and he confirmed my fears about it.  At least we know about it and can actually do something about it.

So I was sat there working through finances and the like and working out what needs to be done and drinking a beer.  I knew I'd had some and the alcohol content was obvious as I could feel it.  I'm OK this morning but I must not make a habit of it.  It was good to have one but that was it really.  I've got some in for Christmas which I intend to leave in their boxes.

The gates are still a problem but it looks as if the troubleshooting we did yesterday may have given us some ideas for solving the problem.  Limit switch adjustments to be made today to see if I can get the gate to open properly.  It is cold so it numbs your hands being outside.  Hopefully this will fix the issue.  Quite why the limit switched may have slipped after 9 months or so is a mystery though.

Finally, age.  I wished someone a happy birthday today and I'd always thought they were older than me or maybe the same age.  They had grown up children quite a bit older than ours so perhaps they started their family early?  Unless they put their DOB down on Facebook different they are 10 years younger than me!  I'm rubbish with ages of people, I've never been able to accurately work out how old people are.  

Doing Things

 You know one of the things that makes me feel good with a sense of accomplishment is to actually go out and do something.  Today, a bit of DIY on a broken bed frame. I had to get creative as it was old and brittle and the snap was  messy.  So purchasing an Aluminium piece of tube I was able to make a metal jacket around the wooden frame and hopefully hold it all together.

I haven't worked with metal for a while but it was satisfying to measure up, drill, cut and file what I needed and then glue and screw everything together.  It's drying now and whilst it isn't pretty it is functional.

My drive way gates however are still proving problematic.  I've tried what's been recommended but it doesn't appear to have worked.  I have no idea what it is but the gate just doesn't quite go back to where it started from and that's despite following the instructions and making videos to show them what I've done - hopefully they'll come back with a fix!  Such a nuisance. it is only about a foot out but it does mean it is difficult to get the cars in.

So having been outside on this cold and frosty morning I can look at the bed end and know that I've done something useful.  Of course the gates remain an issue.  I have no idea what it is as they were fine up until a week ago and suddenly they've stopped working properly.  

Anyway, doing constructive things does make you feel a bit better I have to say.

Did Someone Say "Stuck Farmer"?

My hearing is not what it used to be.  Actually I now have some hearing aids to see if they can combat a problem I have in crowded rooms where I can't clearly filter out the hubbub and  so cannot clearly hear someone speaking to me.  So let's give these a go.

I like a bit of word play and yesterday the Farmers came out and protested at this new government (led by Starmer) who have messed around with inheritance tax that will potentially break up our farms in the future.  There's a general sympathy towards farmers we live in and around farms and they are hard working and out in all weathers no matter what.  The metropolitan "elite" (they are anything but of course) are forcing their ideology onto this country and as not one of them has held down a real job even if their CVs may state they do, their decisions, not thought through, untested, not considering real ROI and certainly not prepared with joined up thinking are harming the economy and damaging the very people this party has always said they represent.

I am going to keep trying these hearing aids as I'm certain I misheard Stuck Farmer!

In other mildly interesting things, I am feeling a lot thinner this morning and I tried on a tee shirt that I haven't worn for some time as  it was too tight and it fitted with room to spare which is great and I am almost on another notch on my trouser belt.  My trousers actually fall off me without a belt now and I can wrap a good couple of inches past the top button.  So the diet (perhaps I shouldn't call it that) is working.

What am I doing?  Well the first thing is no beer.  Liquid bread they call it and it has made quite a difference to me.  I absolutely love a beer but it is loaded with easily absorbed carbohydrates and the body just converts it effortlessly into fat!  Secondly, a Keto/Carnivore diet and intermittent fasting appear to be working really well.  I've been doing the intermittent fasting for a good two or three weeks I guess and the weight is coming off nicely and in a controlled manner.  I try and do intermittent for 5 days a week if possible but it often depends on what is going on.  

I feel healthy and overall I feel less exhausted doing things, I feel satiated when I do eat, I interestingly only feel hungry just as I break the intermittent fasting and it isn't pangs it's more anticipation that food is on its way.  My head is clearer and my anxiety is less.  We had a maintenance engineer over yesterday and I'd normally be on edge about it but it was fine and I felt OK.  I knew that there'd be work to be done which they will quote me for.  I am kicking myself for not having it done regularly but there you go.

Anyway, I am tackling my hearing, losing weight and feeling good about it, my stomach is going away now nicely and it's noticeable that my arms are now losing their fatty bits as are my legs.  I can see parts of my body that I wasn't able to just 3 or 4 months ago.  It's taken a while to lose this weight but I need to remind myself that it was only July that I started a short 4 months ago and whilst I have been strict on not drinking I have had a weekend away and had some zero alcohol beers a couple of times.  I don't eat much Vegetables and I steer away from potatoes, pasta, rice and all that sort of stuff so my diet is nearly all meat or fish.

I am really pleased with progress and now I have lost at least two stone the weight is noticeably coming off as clothes now fit loosely, my other clothes are beginning to fit again and I feel so much better for not carrying that around - it's 14 bags of sugar to give you an idea that are not being carried on my body it is noticeable for sure.

Anyway, let's see how these protests are going and what this pathetic government are going to do.  If reports are to be believed there's major impacts coming from business.  It's cold and the pensioners (of which I am one) will be trying to work out how to heat their houses and keep warm.  It's like watching a very slow motion car crash.  You can see the wheels wobbling and about to fall off, you can see that the car will hit a brick wall but the driver still has their foot to the floor accelerating.  Thousand of people are watching and muttering under their breath quietly in a whisper almost "watch out" and "stuck farmer".  They like me, watch in curiosity rather than horror at the unfolding frame by frame scene even though we know the outcome, the watch is enjoyable in some sort of evil delicious way..... 

Not MY Job!

 Computer says NO, Not MY Job!  Needed some advice on a light fitting that is quite new and has started to flash occasionally.  So dutifully take videos and stills and ask advice from the manufacturer - you know the people that actually make the thing and who's name is plastered all over the instructions.

It's a pain in as much as it is in the apex of the vaulted ceiling in our dining room - 10 tread steps aren't tall enough to reach the control box!  So, a simple query was met with.  Ask the people where you bought it from who, after all are just a retailer of the light fitting manufactured and supplied by the company with their name emblazoned on the instructions.

So, we have to go back to a retailer who apparently has this company's specialists as part of their team?  My arse they do.  

Does anyone use a modicum of sense these days?  How about they forward the query on the team that they haven't given me contact details for?  |Far too difficult just some old blurb about how we have to jump through sh1t loads of hoops to get stuff done thereby complicating and confusing the customer journey and not solving my problem at all.  Knobs and Muppets the lot of them.  

So another round of going round in circles will ensue and they wonder why customers get irritable and upset being pushed from pillar to post.  It's not a cheap item, it was a nightmare to fit as it is so high up and a simple look at the video and a bit of advice would be fine but Oh no....  Computer says no!