It really is quite a strange day today. Nothing to do with yesterday or last night I don't think. A few strange thoughts in the morning about my Ex and how life might have been but I don't think it is that either.
I'm just sort of lost today. I don't know exactly what it is. My mother rang to say that she finally got her tests through and everything is fine, no problems which is great news as it sounded very bad indeed six or eight weeks ago.
I cannot quite work out why I feel so lost and helpless other than the world seems to be going to hell in a handcart. I shouldn't let that bother me anyway so it's not that either. I wonder what it is? I've got to continue fault finding my gates but it is perishingly cold out there at the moment and I need to do some work that is delicate in a way with limit switches and so I'd rather do that when it is slightly above zero freezing. That's not it either.
So what is it? I can't quite fathom it out. I know I've got to spend a lot of money on the house but I realised that when I called the maintenance man in. I knew there was something not quite right with the heating and hot water. So it might be that I have to dig into my savings. Perhaps it is the fear of continually doing that but, I saved up when I was younger and hopefully I can fall back on some of that if I need to.
Perhaps it is something else that I haven't considered? It could be age and thinking about that I suppose or maybe that I am just not getting on? The business has stalled yet again with a problem in the software development process. I don't know, it could be that or the delayed impact of losing the inventor and business partner and now doing it all myself? It doesn't ring any mind bells typing it but once again, it is possible. There really isn't much to do now, I've got everything lined up and just need to push the button but I wonder if it because we are heading towards Christmas and yet again, deadlines are being missed? It would be good to actually launch it and see if it makes some money though. Of course, I need to guarantee that there's money there in case we don't make any sales!
I don't think it is that either. So is it something a bit deeper than that. I often felt that I never really changed the world but then again, did I want to? Working on things that changed people's lives, kept them employed and so on is probably enough I suppose. But once again, why the strange not quite malaise I feel today? Did I waste my life perhaps? Could I have done things differently? Without a doubt of course but given the choices and the paths I followed or went down things could only have been as they are now.
I felt really bad that I left my Ex though and she was in my thoughts earlier. I tried my hardest not to but I probably left it too late and I hung on and hung on but things got worse not better but I did admire her for pulling me through the battle of Bladder Cancer and I am very glad she did. Maybe I feel guilty that her reward was for me to leave?
Then I feel somewhat lonely every now and then. When you leave someone, you don't just leave them, it is as if you divorce your friends too. They either line up with you or your Ex. Many of the friends I had are gone and I am out of contact with them. Maybe, coming towards Christmas that is another thing I miss?
Whether or not I'll work this out I suppose doesn't really matter, I'm sure I'll be fine in a day or so. Winter always makes me a little down anyway, the dark nights and mornings yet in a month it will be the shortest day and things start to return full circle.
I am really not sure why I am so empty today though. I feel very well in myself and the loss of weight really does seem to have made a difference and I have noticed in the past few weeks that things like my finger ring is loose as is my watch. My trouser belt is in another notch too. Clothes that were tight on me are now loose too. That's all good stuff surely?
I expect it is a combination of things perhaps all of the above that combine, that and yearning after lost friendships that should never have been lost in the first place.
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