FUD - Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt

 What are they going to do next?  It could apply to just about anything these days.  For me it is a case of exactly that, what are they going to do next?  When you are dealing with rational, logical people, you tend to have a good inkling what they will do next.  When dealing with irrational, hate filled emotional and off the rails types, then you wonder just what is coming your way.

I'm hoping that they are just going to go away but that depends on whether they have understood what their position is.  They've already made a painting into the corner move and that's the trouble, that in doing so, they've left themselves no room to manoeuvre or negotiate out of the problem they themselves have created.

Dealing with these types is dangerous as you just don't know what they are going to do as it is often illogical and so you cannot prepare for it.  It's like a fight in a Pub.  You don't know what is going to happen and there are often "afters" that impact the innocent.  If I see anything like that (it is rare these days) I'm out and gone before it kicks off.  At present it feels a bit like that.  I don't know if or when it is about to kick off, if indeed it ever will now.

Based on the previous behaviour it seems to me that I'm dealing with full illogical, revenge, vengeance anger.   There's no science in this, no logic, no particular reason.  He may be ill of course and that would perhaps explain it.  Like a cornered animal these are dangerous times for me.

I can't believe how badly this has affected me but I am much older now and I don't really need all the hassle.  When I was younger I'd thrive with this sort of conflict in a sort of gladiatorial manner.  I really don't feel that great and I find myself shaking sometimes.

As someone stated, "The process is the punishment" and so it proves to be.

Calming Down, Re-Focusing, Rational Thoughts etc

 Bloody hell, the last few weeks have been horrible and there's uncertainty and some trepidation that having kicked the problem into the long grass and hopefully disposed of it, the irrational accusations, for that's what they were, could easily raise their head again.

Such is the nature of people who set off without a preconceived plan of what they are trying to achieve continue to paint themselves into a corner and like a wounded animal it makes them desperate and dangerous.  If you conceive a plan where the outcome you want is the destruction of your fellow colleague and to grind him under your heel to dust and humiliate him then you'd better be right, you'd better have all the facts to hand and you'd better have an escape plan.  But, if you go all in through malice and vexatious intent then you will be blinded by your own anger and be unable to understand the complexities of the war (for that's what it is now) you are about to unleash.

There's no way out you see when you run a campaign on anger and without a clear strategy about what you want to achieve and how you are going to get there.  There is also the fact that you blindly believe in your case and your cause is just and perfect in your own judgement.  Heaven knows why it was felt necessary to go all in and then double down leaving no way out when the truth of the matter was demonstrated by their own hand!  Forgetting a key piece of evidence was folly and stupid and now that it is in full view, it destroys the whole reason for the min campaign.  There's no ability to retreat and there's no real chance to reconcile even though I have provided that avenue for you.  It's a big climb down and a huge loss of face but ignoring my entreaties over and over again will just add up to further painting yourself into a corner.

I imagine there's now a difficulty in having to deal with me after having abused and accused me of various things, professional stuff and that's one thing I have always maintained.  Thinking that I wouldn't have the documents to back up my position was another miscalculation on your half.  But I can see you not wanting to do the right thing and come and sit down at the table and discuss these things and retracting your falsehoods and attempting to restart.

Why do people do this?  Why do they make a rod for their own back and practice self immolation?  What on earth is the point of getting so angry (and so wrong) that you destroy all hope of reconciliation or retraction and leave yourself with a trail of destruction in your wake surely you must know that it can only lead to your own downfall?  I suppose not, people let their anger overrule their logical brain and sacrifice everything for nothing.  A shame after all these years but I cannot be my brother's keeper and I am unable to stop the little voice in his head taking him over and resulting in an outcome diametrically opposite of that which he probably felt he was going to achieve.  Sad but he has wounded me after all these years.  

I doubt I will trust anyone else in the future which is my take away damage. 

Another Shock To The System

 A Facebook posts announces the death of someone I know, not well but knew on first name terms and enjoyed his company and had a laugh with.  Shockingly he died this morning and it was announced as these things are these days on social media and it was a shock as he wasn't old and whilst he had a little ill heath he wasn't at death's door etc.  

Reading the comments I was then really shocked as someone else I knew better than this guy also died earlier this week and I hadn't heard anything about it until I read the comment.  He and I had a few interesting times up in London at various meetings and he was a special sort of character who appeared gruff and hard as nails on the outside but once you got used to his strange ways and his sense of humour you realised quite what an interesting and sharp witted man he was.

You never know do you?  It's like my friend who died in the early days of lock-down - only a young guy and I'd only been speaking to him a day or so before and gone, you never see them again do you?  It's sort of strange that you can be chatting to someone and you (and they) have no idea it will be the last time you'd interact with them and they'd be gone.

How strange it feels to write that they are no longer here and you'll not see them again.  Two in a week.  

Polling Day

It nearly didn't happen here as our Council leaders wanted to defer the vote.  I wrote complaining and got a good response from my councillors and a less than good response from the leader of the Council.  Taking away the democratic right to vote is a step too far but the way we are heading in this country at the moment.  A lot of people don't see anything wrong, many didn't know, so many don't care but these people are meant to be our servants and talk about power and pontificate over us.  Let's see if today, people who do care will demonstrate how much it really means to them.

I'm jumping the gun here but there needs to be a shaking of the ground and a reset - I have my local council wedded to climate change and carbon neutral but they don't tell you how much extra that costs.  We all know who pays and it's us, all the time.  Gone are the days when they looked after the local service for the residents.  They play party political games - watching their council meetings online is like watching playtime in a kindergarten. 

Let's see if people are awake and will vote to change things.  I'm not particularly upbeat as we've heard it all before and people don't always do what you'd expect.  It's a very sunny day here so maybe that will encourage voting.

Will the incumbents get a bloody nose?  You kind of hope so if only to get a good feel for the mood of the country.

Sometimes It Is An Ugly World

 My recent experiences bear this out as people often bite the hand that feeds them.  They don't appreciate the many things you have done for them, protected them and have sacrificed yourself for them.

Then they turn on you in different ways.  They exile themselves and disappear for years only to reappear when they want something.  They abuse you and make you feel bad and yet they are the ones who are displaying disgusting behaviour.  They make you feel bad about yourself so that they may feel good.

All my life I've been let down by people and many times they just don't get it or see it.  I am made to feel like I have failed or not done something and all the while, they are using my good side to their own benefit only to sh1t on me from a grand height when they are finished with me.

And so, I am left thinking that I should perhaps just give everyone the finger from now on and live my own life and they can all go to hell or wherever they are destined to be.  If you can't trust people you've looked after, sometimes for many years, to do the right thing even having led by your own example, what can you do?

It's the inevitable hurt whether in love, life or business that's difficult to deal with I find.  So I think that I've had enough of this now and I'll just withdraw from any attempt at helping people.  It just isn't worth it as they just let you down time after time.

The Seeds Of Doubt

 I hate this feeling that I am in the wrong and am at fault and yet I know that I'm not but it's just the thought of being attacked like this and in such a repellent manner by someone that you felt was truthful, that you mentored and worked alongside and whom you trusted and you were sure they trusted you.  For years and years I've supported them only for the most horrendous attack ad hominem on me, absolutely disgusting.  

You know what though?  Even though I realise that it is just that, an explosive outburst full or vitriol and hatred it has taken me aback and really upset me.  It's shocking and uncalled for and best of all, it doesn't reflect the situation at all. 

I am actually shaking writing this and I don't need it, it's ridiculous, out of character and just plain nasty of them.  Whether fuelled by their own inner pain body or some worm tongue - it is one of the most hateful things I have encountered and really has knocked me for six.

I must rise above it and be calm and patient, logical and factual whilst they go off into their fantasy world.  Yuck, what an evil thing to do.

I haven't felt this low for some time.  It's the betrayal and the quite evil way it is being done.  The bottom line is, I can just add this to the long list of people who've let me down and taken the hand of friendship only to pay it back with loss of contact or as in this case an attack on me loaded with such vitriol and malice that I wonder if they aren't seriously ill or have suffered some sort of breakdown.  

I'm laid low for the moment as it has shocked me to the core that, not for the first time, they have attacked me without atoning for their own actions.  One of those weird occasions when they take some self damaging set of actions and then after they've festered over it for a while blame their own actions on someone else, namely me in this case.  I just wish that I could snap out of this current malaise and move on but there's always the concern, fear perhaps that it will escalate as it already has done.  

Why, If We Are Capable Of Wondrous Things....

 Are we also capable of destruction, violence and the opposite of what we surely are here for?

I saw a 2,000 year old Roman ring on a website, intricately carved in reverse was a stone with a 3D bust on it.  It was a marvel.  Works of art, intricate jewellery and so on point to how amazing we are.  Watching the defacement of such things when people protest throws up a dilemma for these very people would be against that sort of thing.  BUT they're not.

People are very quick to accuse, threat and act in a manner which go against (I'd suggest) our nature.  You let them get away with it and it's an "order" to do it with more force or emphasis.  Why people think that this is acceptable is beyond me.  Yes, I can get angry but the last thing I'd consider doing is some mindless and random act of vandalism to get my point across.

I suppose I grew up in a country where if you accidentally dropped a sweet wrapper your parents treated it like a Capital offence and you were made to pick it up and deposit it in the waste bins that were in abundance back in the day.

Drive along the roads and you see rubbish thrown out of vehicles and cars, it's not just foreign lorries.  The sides of the road look awful in some places and some poor person has to risk their life to clear it up.  It's easy enough to take it with you and throw it in a bin that to do this.  The people that do it are the world's environmentalists and animal sanctuary supporters etc.

We need to go back to building amazing and beautiful things for everyone's benefit but I despair these days at the way we have sunk to a third world country, the pride has gone, the willingness to do it gone too, we are too busy looking at our handheld devices to notice what is happening and when the batteries run out maybe them we will take our eyes off of these and see the devastation on our own doorsteps.

Tackling Difficult Things

 These accounts are to use a phrase "Doing my head in!" for such what you would think is an easy things to do with subscriptions and the like it has a twist in the tail.  There were refunds and all sort going on that year and it is just a nightmare to allocate what goes where!  If it was a cash account it would be fine but the balance sheet method gives you a proper view of what is really going on.

With all the noise and distraction going on at the moment, it's made me procrastinate far more than I am used to, I've had my confidence really severely knocked too.  No matter how much you think you are working in the right way and doing the right thing every now and then something comes along to nudge you of course and make you doubt yourself.  It's been close to a month now that the impact of that has affected me.  I think I have done all my thinking and strategy work now and I am 90% comfortable that I have understood what is going on and how to combat it but FFS, I shouldn't have to, it's just people being ridiculous and unthinking.

So I am getting on to doing what I have to do, "Eating the Frog" - you always eat the ugliest one first as I recall.  I was always OK doing that when I worked for a living and now I am retired and getting older, I doubt those powers and my logical mind.  

Breakfast With A Friend

 He and I go back a very long way but were made closer as we both had Cancer at the same time.  As I was undergoing my operation, he was undergoing a similar Op.  We don't live far from each other and we met up as we recovered and talked (a lot) about our experiences and what we learned from it.  It was he that put me on to Eckhart Tolle and we subsequently went on the change the world (well we could have done) going on our Odyssey.  We collaborated together for a number of years, both leaving our jobs to do the right thing.

I'm an INTJ and so I have very few close friends and he's not one of them!  He's just a great guy, sound as a pound, level, straight and we very rarely get above a slight inflection on our voices.  We don't always agree but we listen to each other's points of view and do our research and that's great.

There's a great place for Breakfast locally, a little expensive but good quality, nice service and today, I even had a beer afterwards rather than a coffee.  He listened to my woes and I his and we concluded that the world has probably gone to hell in a handcart and how everything these days is ugly and angry.

We get trapped into things too, things that weren't part of our own plan but stuff you are doing for somebody else because you are a nice human being.  Then you get shafted for it.  It truly makes me want to just drop absolutely everything and go away somewhere near the sea, with my music, books and that's about it really.  It would be bliss but you've all the other calls on your time which preclude you from doing the things you love or want to do.

I think that the note to myself is to work hard this year on what do I want out of life?  I can say that the present isn't impressing me greatly and I lurch from one bad actor to another and I just want out of it.  Would like to tell these hangers on to just F right off.  It's easier said than done of course, or else I'd have done it ages ago.

Happy Easter to all.   

Tackling Stuff - Getting There

 I am getting there gradually and managed to actually do what I said I was going to do and I am now tackling the second thing that I HAVE TO DO.  It is really hard as it easier not to do it.  Easy to say well it's the bank holiday weekend and I'll start it again on Tuesday but in reality I need to do it now.  The first thing I had to do was unpleasant and a real "eat the frog" thing to do.  It means cutting off a relationship and I have mixed emotions about doing it.  I don't like it, it really isn't what I would have chosen to do but now, after many years, I need to sever ties and walk away from it.   So that's what I've done.  If you know me, you'll realise that I don't like not fulfilling my duties and obligations but I've been provoked into doing this.

The worry is that I am concerned for them but at the same time they are showing me no respect or concern so it's a one way street.  Soon to be ended I hope forever.

You sometimes need to just give up on these things I suppose, it's no good trying to think and do the best for people when they are sh1tting on you from a high altitude! It's ungrateful behaviour and it's not acceptable. 

So that's that.  Next is to get a grip of these accounts :-) Urgh I hate accounts but I have to do them so I'm going to pinch my nose and work through them.

Long Exhale - Phew!

 Well that was good apart from having to pay more for my car park than I needed.  You never know do you?  So one look at my teeth and gums and a quick poke around and Hygienist was most impressed with progress and no need for all the scraping and poking around inside between teeth and gums.  A good clean up and polish and I was on my way.  Come back in 9 months unless things get worse.

So I now know what I need to do to keep up the good work and I have to say, the Hydrogen Peroxide mouth washing has done its thing along with the other interventions and so both Dentist and Hygienist are happy with progress

Mind you my teeth ache a bit from being bashed around and scraped and all that good stuff.

Hurrah!

Not Looking Forward To Today

 Does anyone actually like the Dentist visits?  Mind you it was good news last week and I don't have to go back until 2026!  However, today is Hygienist visit and I am certainly not looking forward to it as it sounded like they were going to do a lot of work.  

What I have done to mitigate how much they have to do is called on my old friend H202 (I think), Hydrogen Peroxide, Coconut Oil Pulling, Salt Washes and Xylitol Gum to see if I can minimise the amount of work they identified in January.  I hope so but let's wait and see.   I've called off an appointment tonight in case I am numbed up too much.

In other news, the roofer man is coming to fit cowls to the chimneys pots which should prevent a recurrence of the Jackdaw down the chimney event! 

As for procrastination - I am determined to try and sort that out. It's something that is debilitating it in it's own way and just needs tackling.

Procrastination Or Should I Put Off This Post Until Tomorrow

 So annoying, so annoying is procrastination.  It comes at me in waves and sometimes I used to kid myself that I was building up stress pressure to make me do something.  It's a bit "Eat the frog" as we used to say.  I have stuff to do and it just sits here staring at me and before I know it, it's late afternoon and I head off out with nothing done of any significance.

It doesn't help with the craziness going on with all these threats and unpleasantness which I really don't need at all and that makes me tetchy too.  I don't mean to be sharp with my responses but I do find people these days appear to want to be told what to do or have questions answered or generally be looked after and so I sometimes get a bit one word answer mode and also my sarcasm superpower goes full superhero and I find my attitude whilst 100% accurate hasn't been tempered with what little diplomacy I own.

So I am annoyed with myself as much as anything and I don't like getting old as I no longer have the Rhinoceros hide that protected me through my working life.  I don't need all of this, it's unwanted and I'm lumbered with it.  I just want to actually enjoy my retirement, perhaps that's it.  You end up in situations you never planned and your reward is to get castigated by others for something you never wanted, never wished for and would happily get rid of.  Maybe that's what I really needed to do (if I wasn't so deeply involved and embroiled) walk away and let some other schmuck take it over.

Kubler Ross Revisted

 I am revisiting this as I am beginning to recognise the signs that I am in this loop once again.  I'm too bloody old for all this sh1t and some people just go way beyond what is acceptable behaviour.  Also some people enjoy the flogging of a dead horse too.  They have no idea what their crazy little world view makes them do.  They have utter belief that they are right and they have convinced themselves that logic is on their side.  Viewed from any other angle, you'd say it's the opposite.

So here it is in all it's glory.  I'm at Anger now and I'll have to see where I am going with this.  I'm meeting a friend on Friday and I'll get a bounce off of him as he's pretty stable and I trust him, unlike the other chap.  Over a decade I've known this chap and suddenly he's turned into a monster, lost his logic and his moral compass all at the same time.  

Anyway, it's annoying because I've gone past shock and straight to anger.  I don't need to be angry, I need to have a steady head and be calm.  On that front, so far so good.

Disappointing Betrayal Again

 I used to have a poster above my desk of a cartoon mouse (I think it might have been a person) with a screw right through their middle attached to a wall.  It said something along the lines of "Be kind, good and gentle to others and you will obtain your just rewards"  

Once again, in life I have gone out of my way to help someone, for over a decade I have helped and guided this person and my reward?  You guessed it, they've made some sort of decision themselves that has backfired and...... it's my fault!!!  Quite how this logic and powers of deduction led their decision to have been in anyway involving me I don't know so they've gone off the deep end and accused me of all sorts of stuff and yet if they'd have spoken to me I could have given balanced reasons why they should probably not have made a hasty and ill thought through decision to their detriment.  Having not sought my advice or consulted me they then go on to do the most illogical thing and realise too late that it cannot be undone.

As I say, not the first time in my life.  Three others when I was younger were looked after as my own, I spent time with them, helped schooling, college and university, became a father figure and was parent taxi to them.  I barely hear a word from them now.  The amount of support I've given to various people including monetary support goes un-repaid.  Minds, like my wallet are empty and forgetful when needed.

I'm getting too old to give my time to these people anymore, I will help anyone but now I feel that I'm getting metaphorically "screwed to the wall" when I freely offer to help.

It feels wrong but I have to withdraw helping others out to my detriment if all they do is forget all the help you've given them.  They try and make you feel bad and stupid me, I do.  It worries me that they've done stuff to themselves and want to victimise me for their own actions.

Smashed It

 After my note about the Who Dunnit yesterday I am pleased to say that by 10 minutes in I had worked out who it was and how they did it.  Dead Goldfish was a giveaway :-)

In other news I am still quite stressed out by recent events that I cannot mention at the moment but it's annoying that people can be so awful.  Those who you help out and look after turn into monsters and betray you.  I've always been helpful to others and this is the reward, you get stabbed in the back.  I think I am too old for this now though.  I used to be able to take it in my stride but this is beyond the pale and it just erodes your trust in people and I've noticed it more and more.  People just don't know how to behave these days and courtesy and gratitude, please and thank you, kindness and politeness are, like our society, being ground into the dust.

I don't know what it is that makes people believe they can act like this but it isn't honourable and getting a metaphorical kick in teeth for all your help and assistance really hurts.

Lesson learned I guess!

Who Dunnit!

 I don't know if there are subtle clues in these detective series but 9 tomes out of 10 I tend to guess quite early on who dunnit!

I don't watch too much TV these days but there are a couple of programmes I like to watch that don't take too much thinking and a few things like University Challenge and Only Connect when occasionally I amaze myself by what I know and also bristle when the teams don't know the answer. However, pride before a fall, often kicks in when I don't know the formula for unobtainium or some such :-)

These light detective stories are generally easy to solve as it is the least obvious character (at the beginning) and so far I am spot on with these.  I think the more you watch them the more obvious the formula is and strangely the easier it is to work out the perpetrator.

In other news, the sun is shining although it is quite chilly at the moment.  Two seasons in one day.  It used to catch me out when I'd leave at around 5:00 to go to work in a big overcoat and by the evening I'd be sweltering and carrying said overcoat home :-) such is the UK weather and why we always speak about it.

Stress - I Really Don't Need It

 Who does?  It's not really needed and I am far too old to have to deal with it but, there you go, deal with I must.

Why people are so difficult, illogical and vengeful, even though they bring these things on themselves I have yet to fathom.  Their actions are now apparently my problem to deal with.

Oh well, it will be what it will be but it's just a trivial waste of my time and energy.  

The bottom line is I should be retired and not having to deal with all of this, but I am!  

That's A Relief

 A visit to the Dentist and an all clear and see me in 9 months time (2026) which I'm most pleased about and also the slight gum problems I had are all gone.  I'm impressed she can remember that far back but there you go.  So I am hopeful that all the work I've been doing has paid off and that next week's visit to the Hygienist will not be as traumatic as I am expecting from my last visit there.  Fingers crossed for that.

Growing Anger - Is It Just Me?

 There's a growing anger in this country, one that stems from ongoing lies and deceptions and a populace that has seen things decline and get worse as we reach the bottom and continue to dig.  Injustice seems rife and the entitled are slowly realising that they cannot ride roughshod over us.   Everyone in the country has faced massive increases in costs and its starting to bite that these people don't give a flying F about us.  They rode in with huge statements about freezing this and that and the bottom line is that prices for us all and taxes have gone up appallingly.

I think my household bills are near double since 2020 and it's unsustainable and do they do anything to tackle and manage it?  No they blame someone who left them with..... <insert excuse here>  When I was in business and having to sort out other's sh1t it was down to me, I could perhaps get a few weeks or months grace if it was screwed previously but I had the power and authority to change it and that's what I did. These guys don't get that - yet!

Anyway, the more people I speak to the more they hate what's going on.  The UK people are patient and generally pragmatic people but they really do seem to have had enough.  You can feel it and hear it now.