Just Call Me Mr. Horizontal

No - just do it :-) My BP is the lowest I have ever seen it, my pulse is a trace and I feel brilliant. How much better can today get? If I was any more laid back I'd be horizontal...

Hypnotherapy

I'm no Wacko - strange, peculiar, quirky, off the wall, and other descriptions may well apply but I'd give a Life Coach a good kick in whenever I met one and I don't believe in mumbo Jumbo and "the Law of Attraction" which sort of says that I deserve to have Cancer may, as you may imagine, really upset me!

So - Hypnotherapy - what do you think - strange, weird, all a bit stage show and people barking like dogs etc?

In my limited experience, nothing can be further from the truth. Some time ago I had hypnotherapy to stop my craving on smoking. Nice job - how about this - no side effects, no cold turkey, no screaming at everyone no standard withdrawal symptoms like yelling at everyone, tearing my hair out, over eating etc. So what I hear you ask?

Well - I'm terrified of going into Hospital - it is the most frightening thing for me - I don't know why but it is. You must have guessed that from my previous posts. So I spoke to my friend and he agreed to come around this morning and work his magic on me. My Guardian Angel has something to do with this - I got an e-mail saying do it OR ELSE :-) I need no more prompting than this as I can imagine getting the wrong side of this lady :-) I'd have my arm ripped off and be beaten with the wet end if I didn't. I'd back her in celebrity death match against anyone!!

He used a "wellness" script (some people may recognize that phrase as "snake oil" but in this case it isn't) It was really good. Usually I am in quite a shallow trance (basically because of being sceptical). This time I was in quite deep and it was really quite "Trippy" but based on what was being said. I thought I'd been out for 15 minutes where in fact it had been 55 minutes. I won't really know how this has worked until next week of course but I feel fantastic (You often do coming out of hypnosis) and I can (at the moment) think about next week without getting wound up about it.

I'm not feeling at all anxious, upset or funnily enough that bothered about it and yet I have been for ages. I remember this from the last sessions I had and I have to say that if it worked then and after 20+ years of problems - solved them - then this too is a bit of a success. I certainly feel an awful lot better than I did before.

I will keep you posted - I now feel good about going in next week - how strange.

Amazing

I can see why they ban Beta Blockers in sport. I decided to do just 20 minutes and took things easy. I managed to complete as many kMs as I normally do in a session. I am hardly out of breath and my BP and Heart beat are low even recovery has been quick.

Surreal Thought of the day

So - I'm at a Jazz night and there is a chap who plays the Washboard.

Anyone under the age of 50 may want to be excused at this point. A Washboard is a corrugated piece of metal they used to wash clothes against and scrub them with a brush years ago.

OK - In a Jazz band they washboard is played with metal thimbles - here we go again. Thimbles are things for protecting your fingers when sewing (please don't ask me to explain what sewing is!!!).

So sticking thimbles on your fingers and rubbing those up and down a galvanised and corrugated board makes a rasping sound ideal for Jazz songs. PHEW - so far so good. I wished I'd thought how hard this was going to be before I started writing it :-)

The surreal thought is this. The chap that plays this turns up tonight night with his wife. Go back 50 or 60 years when they are courting and she takes him home to meet her parents. Can you imagine what the conversation would go like?

Father: "So what do you do for a living?"
Player: "I play a Washboard"
Father: (somewhat taken aback but being British) "Will it keep my girl in the style to which she has become accustomed?"
Player: "I don't know, what instrument does she play?"
Father: "So what do you actually do playing a washboard?"
Player: "I put on a bunch of metal thimbles and strap this washboard around my neck and run my fingers up and down it to make a sound."
Father: (Looking curiously at his pipe which has begun to sag out of his mouth and taking a large swig of his Whisky) "And you make money doing this?"
Player: "Well yes, kind of"
Father: "Mother - come out here and listen to this" (Waves Pipe in the air in a beckoning way)
Mother: "Yes Dear?"
Father: "Doris's boyfriend plays HIS washboard and makes money doing so. How come you just wash the clothes and I've so far had no return on investment?"
Mother: "You are such a Banker!"


OK - OK - I have probably just proved why you shouldn't do these Heart control drugs!

Kids - don't do drugs......

:-)

What a difference

In just one day I am amazed that my blood pressure has reduced by so much and my heart rate too. Of course the drugs are doing what they are supposed to do but I've never seen readings like these and even at 11:30 at night my BP is lower than that when I wake up.

I'm beginning to get used to the light headed feelings. I'm sure they will go away once I get acclimatised to the side effects (or perhaps the results).

So I'm going to take myself off to bed - apparently a side effect is a disturbed night's sleep.

Light Headed or what?

Blimey - these meds have really kicked in - talk of felling light headed. I can definitely feel the difference.

I am going out tonight to listen/see a Jazz night. It was great last month - I suppose I had better be a little wary over this new found almost floating sensation.

No - Ridiculous

Yes - absolutely ridiculous

My BP is - well - so low I can hardly believe it and I am concerned that a heart beat getting close to a beat a second can't be that great :-)


We are talking a massive decrease in Blood Pressure - no honest - 116/75 at 65 BPM in the late afternoon that is better than my lowest by a long way - Whoa! At least my nurses will be pleased and...

Guardian Angel :-) .....

If you are reading this - my Hypnotist friend is coming around tomorrow to see if we can combat my phobia about Hospitals, needles and the like.

Now wouldn't that be a leap forward if that could happen? I'd be really pleased if I was able to control all of the fears and worries on that side.

Appears to be doing something

I decided that I ought not to do the exercises this morning and instead had a small breakfast and took the tablets. They did kick in although nowhere near as "punch like" as I was expecting but I do feel a little light headed (not feint headed) and I can tell my heart isn't beating anywhere near as fast is it has been these past few days. Blood pressure is down, not markedly, but down nonetheless and it is in the normal band.

I'm taking things easy this morning and making sure that I am getting up and down slowly and not doing anything stupid just in case.

It is not as marked a transition as I had expected but I do certainly feel something has changed. More as it goes on I have no doubt.

How to tackle tomorrow

I'm not sure how I am going to do this now. Do my exercise routines first and then have the tabs - but that would put those out to way gone 9 perhaps even 10 a.m. Maybe I should not do the exercises tomorrow and just go straight in for these and see how I get on. Perhaps moving exercising to the evening.

I feel that I don't want to break my routines now I have set them up but I cannot see me taking the tablets and then doing exercises as that won't work and lets face it bashing out 30 minutes on a tread mill after sticking a beta blocker in your system to slow your heart down doesn't make any sense either.

Oh well I shall decide in the morning. I did spend plenty of time relaxing yesterday - indeed I had loads of time to myself as everyone was out for the rest of the day.

Taking the rest of the day off

I've had enough today - I've done my business bit, I've been to the bank as well to sort out a problem that just never seems to go away, which is that they cannot get my address right and send my bank statements where they fancy :-) Worried about identity theft? Join my bank and they make it easy!

As it is my daughter's 17th birthday - just had her first driving lesson and frightened the neighbourhood - I think that I should take the remainder of the day off, relax, perhaps have a beer and celebrate. I don't take enough time off to myself or for my family and perhaps I ought to be less than serious for the rest of today. The becoming a drug addict stuff starts tomorrow! :-)

Keep Taking The Tablets

These tablets are minute. You need to employ an optician to see them.

As I am driving a little later today I don't intend to take them until tomorrow morning. I have also been warned to be sitting down to start with as the effect is noticeable quickly.

I have also just ordered a more accurate Blood Pressure Monitor. The Wrist one was not good enough to give the readings the Doc wanted so a new one has been ordered to arrive by next week. I'll be able to put together a weekly review of blood pressure so that we can chart it. As the GP said - it is pretty obvious that you'll get accurate readings at home. He then took my pulse and said "It's a little bit fast - but that is to be expected but the good news is that you must like me so that IS a result!" I like this GP - I really didn't get on with the last one at all - he had the bedside manner of - well Attila the Hun.

I Don't Do Drugs

I DO now!

I'm on beta blockers for a short while to get me through the operation next week and I'm on some very mild BP tablets as I'm prehypertensive - none are going to punch the daylights out of my Kidneys (for obvious reasons).

It is a rich man's game being ill - a two week supply of one and a four week supply of the other £13.70. I feel quite privileged that I have enough money to be ill.

I'm off out to day so I'm not going to tempt fate and have one of these tablets until tomorrow morning, and then I need to be sitting down. I need to curtail my exercising or keep it at a reasonably low level as all these things kick in to slow my heart and to lower my blood pressure.

I expect that this story will run and run.

Jekyll & Hyde

That's me. I'm not actually that bad but I do get pretty much like a cornered animal before having to go to the Hospital or the GPs. Not so much the GPs perhaps although the Doc I am seeing tomorrow is a nice enough chap.

Leading up to today from about mid to late morning there was no laughs no normal mucking about it was all business and "lets get this over with". Now I am almost a different person.

Pyschosematic stuff

How peculiar that the back of my hand is throbbing like it normally does when I have the cannula taken out. I suppose it is one of those things that happens and you start to relive some of the stuff you know is going to happen to you.

I'm reasonably OK with this at the moment. Tomorrow will be an interesting day to see how this is all going to be tackled. I've seen my results tumble but when I get near anything that even looks medical then BP goes skywards.

The crazy bit is how low my BP is in the morning and especially shortly after exercising. No use second guessing what they will do tomorrow as long as there is a road map through this.

The Countdown Begins

So - back on board the Roller Coaster next week and preparations start now for getting myself ready. There is the mundane stuff - "Don't forget your toothbrush" and the slightly more serious (for me) of not forgetting my MP3 player (used to be my CD Walkman) so that I can try and calm down a bit. I also need to pack a book and some glasses so I can read the damn thing. The lights are so severe at the Hospital it is all or nothing.

I'll also need to sort myself out for the sitting around doing very little business straight after - 1 week rest is normal unless they have to do what they did before and I end up 4 weeks of little or nothing.

No doubt there will be more detail soon as I think about it. I'm still slowly calming down after being given the OK. At least my 24 hour monitor didn't show the sorts of readings they were getting. The way she was questioning me I would have expected them to have whipped me straight in.

That was touch and go

My Urology Nurse was there - she knows I am stressy and so we did the BP tests and as expected they were through the roof - not as bad as last time. They came down gradually and I gave my readings from this morning which were pretty good.

It got to the point of almost being refused but they picked up the 24 hour tapes which obviously changed minds a bit and so I have to go and see the GP tomorrow - no doubt for some form of treatment and can therefore carry on with the operation.

The funniest bit was when she said she was going to do the blood test the readings went through the roof again. I often wonder why I am the person least surprise by such things - when they are about to stick a needle in you would you think your blood pressure would fall?

I am in a strange position now as I am looking forward to getting this sorted out and yet I can feel the stress beginning to build again and my the back of my hand has started aching - that is where they put the cannula and I'm sure it throbs every now and then just to remind me.

I have the appointment tomorrow morning and I hope that we can get this particular problem under some sort of control and then get on with sorting the next piece of the puzzle out.

It isn't a quick fix either - I originally thought it was going to be one of those binary things - like it is or it isn't fixed and all that - it would all be over by Christmas (sort of thing) and it isn't going to be over by this Christmas or perhaps by another 5 to 10 Christmases :-( At least this though is a gateway to ongoing maintenance or more radical treatment that is why it is so important.

Checked my BP - strewth it is still high but I am in a better frame of mind myself.

Here we go

Just over an hour before we leave to go the Hospital - I am beginning to feel it already - trying to control things this time with some breathing (not that I don't breathe you understand) and just trying to relax - I might take my music along with me this time again - not sure if that helped or hindered to be honest.

I've tried all the mind tricks "what's the worst thing that can happen?" all that stuff and honestly you can't rationalise with me at times like this.

Today is the day (again)

Assessment two (sounds like an Arnie Film). Judgement Day II - but I doubt it.

I've decided that this morning I will take a few readings myself which are in the high normal range. I do feel apprehensive but I don't think that I will get in to an argument about things this time. I'll see what they decide to do with me, given that it is only three weeks tomorrow that the anniversary of the last assessment. If it is the same person it will be interesting as they were really concerned about my BP.

A couple of hours to go yet.

How much are you getting

At the moment I am guessing that I am providing you with 90 to 95% of what I am going through. I'm not sure if I should give the last 5 to 10% yet.

I tone down the language that I sometimes think in - I'm allowed to swear in my mind I think :-) I try and describe things differently rather than use too much base language for that. The blog is still semi anonymous. I will open it up a bit as things go on.

Like most things you area allowed in, but only so far.

At the moment what does it all mean?

It is difficult to sum up quite what I am thinking at the moment. I want to get the assessment over and done with and I want to get this operation sorted so that I know one way or the other what comes next. It gets one major thing sorted in my life and it should allow some sort of plan to emerge about what to do next. I'm not helping myself and it frustrates and upsets me deeply.

The delays and my own stress levels aren't helping me and I get really stressed out when I should perhaps be relaxing and let this stuff happen. It doesn't help me to help myself which is unusual for me, I do want to help myself to get well again. Mind you, if you are built that way, you are built that way I suppose.

Then there's everything else - like work and the future to review. Just about everything is on ice at the moment. I can't seem to move forward until this is (not resolved - a different word perhaps) understood or comprehended. At that point, what ever the prognosis, I can make a judgement call on what needs to be done short and long term.

Then there are lots of little things that start to mount up and there is a level of stress and commitment required on things that you don't want to do or have to put off and yet I feel bad about doing that. I am putting a lot of things off on the basis that once I know my fate I can decide what to do then. If it keeps going backwards then the list of things to do just keeps getting larger. Of course, perhaps I ought to do them anyway. The uncertainty of what will be found means that I have only planned a few things this year. Normaly my diary would be a lot fuller.

On other levels I am feeling fitter and losing weight, eating properly and taking care of myself better than I ever did and the question is - why the hell didn't I do these things earlier in life - the answer is - of course - I was never ill before now. I also thought I was fit :-)

So at the moment I've got the immediacy of the assessment and the operation and at the same time keeping fit and continuing to improve my health. In the medium term I need to know what the next steps are going to be, a rough idea of how my future is going to shape up and some grown up discussions about what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do.

The are levels of things that I need to or have to do. Family, House, Education, food, money etc. The basics.

There is on balance with that, what I want to do. I've had the big wake up call, there are things that are in the back of my mind that are saying these are the things you need to do before you die (sort of).

There is the what I will do as there just has to be a trade off between what I have to do and what I want to do.

In a way I am looking forward to being in a position to focus properly on those questions. I've said and hinted before that there will be casualties in the outcome of that. Somewhere along the line perhaps I need to be extremely selfish or perhaps I need to drop some activity or some other action that will arise out of this. I think I have to balance that when I come to it but be realistic now that it may happen that someone, some people or just I gets hurt by the decisions I will have to make.

Turbulent times at the moment, no job, possibly no chance of getting one for a few months until this next lot of stuff settles down, possible other medical problems on the horizon or maybe not, further treatment, realisation of the severity of the situation and actions arising. As a Project Manager I should be "revelling in it" - but dealing with people is not the same as dealing with yourself. I'd tell myself to "pull myself together" but I know that things are neither simple nor are there any easy or indeed right answers at the moment.

The conundrum that is cancer. It works on many levels, getting better or getting things under control is just a start. Trying to get on with the rest of your life is a juggling act that I have yet to master.

Be assured, I will master it, it is just how long I take to do it that cannot be assessed.