At the moment what does it all mean?

It is difficult to sum up quite what I am thinking at the moment. I want to get the assessment over and done with and I want to get this operation sorted so that I know one way or the other what comes next. It gets one major thing sorted in my life and it should allow some sort of plan to emerge about what to do next. I'm not helping myself and it frustrates and upsets me deeply.

The delays and my own stress levels aren't helping me and I get really stressed out when I should perhaps be relaxing and let this stuff happen. It doesn't help me to help myself which is unusual for me, I do want to help myself to get well again. Mind you, if you are built that way, you are built that way I suppose.

Then there's everything else - like work and the future to review. Just about everything is on ice at the moment. I can't seem to move forward until this is (not resolved - a different word perhaps) understood or comprehended. At that point, what ever the prognosis, I can make a judgement call on what needs to be done short and long term.

Then there are lots of little things that start to mount up and there is a level of stress and commitment required on things that you don't want to do or have to put off and yet I feel bad about doing that. I am putting a lot of things off on the basis that once I know my fate I can decide what to do then. If it keeps going backwards then the list of things to do just keeps getting larger. Of course, perhaps I ought to do them anyway. The uncertainty of what will be found means that I have only planned a few things this year. Normaly my diary would be a lot fuller.

On other levels I am feeling fitter and losing weight, eating properly and taking care of myself better than I ever did and the question is - why the hell didn't I do these things earlier in life - the answer is - of course - I was never ill before now. I also thought I was fit :-)

So at the moment I've got the immediacy of the assessment and the operation and at the same time keeping fit and continuing to improve my health. In the medium term I need to know what the next steps are going to be, a rough idea of how my future is going to shape up and some grown up discussions about what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do.

The are levels of things that I need to or have to do. Family, House, Education, food, money etc. The basics.

There is on balance with that, what I want to do. I've had the big wake up call, there are things that are in the back of my mind that are saying these are the things you need to do before you die (sort of).

There is the what I will do as there just has to be a trade off between what I have to do and what I want to do.

In a way I am looking forward to being in a position to focus properly on those questions. I've said and hinted before that there will be casualties in the outcome of that. Somewhere along the line perhaps I need to be extremely selfish or perhaps I need to drop some activity or some other action that will arise out of this. I think I have to balance that when I come to it but be realistic now that it may happen that someone, some people or just I gets hurt by the decisions I will have to make.

Turbulent times at the moment, no job, possibly no chance of getting one for a few months until this next lot of stuff settles down, possible other medical problems on the horizon or maybe not, further treatment, realisation of the severity of the situation and actions arising. As a Project Manager I should be "revelling in it" - but dealing with people is not the same as dealing with yourself. I'd tell myself to "pull myself together" but I know that things are neither simple nor are there any easy or indeed right answers at the moment.

The conundrum that is cancer. It works on many levels, getting better or getting things under control is just a start. Trying to get on with the rest of your life is a juggling act that I have yet to master.

Be assured, I will master it, it is just how long I take to do it that cannot be assessed.