Off for Easter

It will be good to get some time off.  I have this hacking cough still that doesn't seem to want to go away.  There is a national train strike next week which looks as if it means I will work from home all next week.

Today I posted out my job description to a number of people and nationally - it may look a bit strange that the present incumbent is asking for his replacement and yet to me probably it is the right thing to do.  There is a high incidence of a stomach bug going around at work and so many people are off at the moment.  

I could certainly do without this cough it is driving me mad :-)

Hospital looms large now but before then is the annual Easter Egg hunt which will I hope be held in drier conditions than last year.  In fact in 15 odd years the last couple have been particularly bad.

Flocky and I have to dash off elsewhere straight after that for a meeting.  So bust weekend ahead and it is daughter A's 20th birthday - 20 good grief....  It doesn;t seem that long ago.

It is amazing to think that I started my job at the charity 2 years ago tomorrow!  That 2 years has flown by.

Time

I was typing up a report and put down the 12th April and then realised that I would be in Hospital that day.  Then I realised that it is only two weeks today.  I hadn't worked that out at all.  Suddenly it is on me and I need to get myself all sorted out ready for that.  

I should be feeling pretty neutral but they have changed my time to afternoon so I know I have a night in the Hospital (expletive comes to mind).  Please, please, please, please let it be the last one.  I have been disappointed these past two times to find that I needed "just one more" procedure.  I hate Hospitals with a vengeance and to tell the truth I cannot even tell you how many operations I've had these past few years.  I just want it over and done with now and I'd like my life back please.  Not that my current life is bad or anything just that it would be good to get off this roller coaster and take stock and just lie in the sun and be grateful for a while.  take it all in,  think about the future and do something in a measured way.  that probably isn't going to happen but it would be nice.

Anyway - 13 days and counting.....  

Office Moved

So I've moved my stuff around the office and I'm back in the seat next to the one I started out in. I'm not reading anything into that. My colleague will return from his holiday tomorrow and doesn't know that I've put my notice in. He won't be happy. However a strange turn of events today as I was meant to be going to a meeting in Berkshire tomorrow and checked and somehow we have been missed off the list. Lucky really as I am going to the Founders lunch tomorrow because my Chairman cannot make it. That will be a nice day out for me I'm sure.

My train ticket runs out on Wednesday so I might work from home Thursday and it appears there is a national strike next week on the trains so I will be able to do some serious work at home during the Easter week.

I'm feeling OK today apart from this terrible hacking cough I have. I am hoping that it goes away overnight so I can attend this lunch without sounding like a performing seal.

Cough from hell

Well I thought I had this cold licked earlier on in the week but this dry hacking cough has really started to annoy me.  I have some medicine that seems to temporarily sort it out but only for a short stint.

I spent a lot of the day sorting out my music collection and talking to my colleague about our forthcoming venture.  He is off to China tomorrow for a couple of weeks, then he arrives back as I go into Hospital and so we probably wont see each other until the weekend following that.  At least we can go out for a meal or something and start to get our plans straightened out.

We have a mamoth task ahead of us in the next 6 months and have deliberately pressurised ourselves to do this.  I'm happy that my present employers feel strongly enough to retain me so I can be of use on special projects which is just great as some of the big stuff Ii have instigated does need to be followed up and a lot of the information needs to be dragged out of my head and on to paper for them.  Something I intend to start committing to paper as soon as.

I feel bad about leaving but I have to undertake this journey for the next 6 or 7 months.  The opportunity is good enough to take the risk and from what I know of my own personality I need to put the right amount of "stress" or "risk" into the venture so that it engages me full time.  Unlike the last time I went and invested a lot of my time, this time it is completely in my own hands on whether I make it or not.  

I have a friend who I trust, we have both been through the Cancer trials and tribulations - at the same time and we have built our pre-cancer friendship to new levels.  We have worked together before and we have different but complimentary skills which is great.  Plenty of checks and balances are in place along with loads of experience too.

It is going to be an interesting year and an interesting journey - well it will be when this rib cracking cough stops - ouch :-)

I thought that

I would have got rid of this cold by now but I have a hacking cough and sore throat and managed to fall asleep at my desk this afternoon and have a very sore neck from doing that.

If the fridge man hadn't have arrived so early I may have got up a little later and not been so tired!

I've got my dates all mixed up and instead of going out tomorrow for my friend's mum's 80th birthday I find out that it is on Sunday!! My brain is getting bad...  But that meant I could have gone to this do I ducked out of.

I'm going to hit the sack and see how I am in the morning, I have had enough of this hacking cough and could do with trying to get to bed and trying to get some sleep.

Cat out of the bag

Well I spoke to the boss and we agreed that I will go as near to April as makes no difference.  We also agreed that I will be retained by the Trust toocome in on specific assignments and to provide business and logistical support.  That is great and what I hoped for as it does allow me to have a lifeline back if needed.  It is interesting quote how shocked everyone was that I was going and it was quite moving too.

What it does mean is tha I made a difference but what was funny was that they wondered if it was the money.  It would have been if I stayed but when I explained that I was going to go and work for 6 months with no money or any guarantee of success that changed the equation a lot.   I think they would have offered me roughly what I was going to go and ask them for before all this lot blew over.

Anyway - it seems to be a little better at work now it is in the open but I was surprised quite how upset many were that I was going.  Even saying I'd be around a couple of days a month didn't win me the argument.

A new way of looking at things.

Click on image to enlarge.

Using www.wordle.net allows you to cluster together the most used words on your blog.  You can hardly see the word cancer, bladder and yet new, feel and other quite positive words are there.  I've just started playing with this tool - it is fascinating to picture your content like this.  I am pleased that there aren't big highlighted words in there like despair or fear.

It also feels a bit like this too

These guys are also fast becoming firm favourites on my MP3 player...

SO now how does it feel?

It feels just like this:



Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Hell it's a Nudorn alright.....

Still Flu Like

Decided not to go to work and give this to anyone. It felt like it was going yesterday but it gave me plenty of trouble overnight and I was sneezing and coughing - not what you want to do at work....

I had to drop a note to the boss and so delivered the "find someone else" message at the same time. I suppose that being pragmatic about it is the only thing to do. There isn't a lot I can do about that. I do worry about the 18 months to 2 years frequency that I manage to last before I need to move on although in this case, I reckon if I had stayed I would have negotiated something quite different to combat the frustrations but there is work to do after my operation in April and ideally that would be a good time to get someone in so I can show them the ropes and then move on. At least they have the option of getting me to come in and do a little support work at the same time.

24 Hour Flu

I've been laid out overnight and today with what can best be called mild Flu symptoms. Aching legs, slight stuffy nose, sneezes, sore throat etc. I took to my bed last night wrapped up against the chills and had a pretty disturbed night. I'm a bit annoyed as I wanted to do some more work in my office today but didn't get anything done. I am feeling a little better now after drugging myself up and taking it easy and sleeping through most of the day. Strangely it feels like some of the BCG treatments I had all that time ago....

Tomorrow is going to be a bit difficult as I know that a lot of people are going to be upset that I will be going and I also know that there is never a right time to go. However, now if right for them and for me. I can get to concentrate on what I need to put in place in the next 4 to 6 weeks. I needed to drop into the charity as a bolt hole after the disappointment and recriminations of the previous venture - amazing to think that is over 2 1/4 years ago and that the Tribunal was 2 years ago. I owe my present customer a lot but recently things have got stale and I can't influence except in the limited area that I exist in.

I hope that I shake off this cold for tomorrow morning. I really could do with getting into work and sorting things out with them. I am out on at least three nights this week too. One of those is a business engagement.

That's Good

Mrs. F. and I are bust clearing out the office to make it a working space again. I just threw away close to 1,000 3 1/2" disks and some 5 1/4" disks, loads oo old computer stuff, leads and mice, CDs and DVDs that are no longer any use. It is amazing how much clutter I have picked up over the years.

I actually have empty cupboard space too which is nice. So Mrs. F. is OK with me taking 6 months to go for it with my new venture. It makes sense to limit this to October of this year so that at least we can make a decision whether to chuck it in or continue.

I'm feeling happy and sad all at the same time. I have to tell work on Monday that all bets are off and I'll see what the reaction is to that. Not good in some quarters I'm sure.

The reminder of the weekend is about sorting this room out and getting ready to hit he ground running some time in April.

End Game

My friend sounds like he will be made redundant this afternoon. I am just about to work out my resignation notes and how I will continue to work with the office as they will still want me to consult for them. Eventually I hope to become involved with them a bit more from a volunteer point of view but lets see how things transpire first.

A weekend of planning ahead then.

Timing is rubbish

It hasn't escaped anyone's notice that I haven't been in work for much of this week - I did get a lot done on Tuesday and so far have blistered the work I was doing at home but I really ought to be thinking ahead and working out quite how I position things next week.

You see, most people think I'm just having a few issues with my other business and a few have serious doubts about whether I will stay. I am having my own problems in that I need my colleague to be made redundant for me to take the jump and he and I can go and work together to get our project off the ground. That is the plan. Of course all the nagging doubts are there and the what if situation about who replaces me and how much involvement I keep with the job. I hope that they get someone better than me in a way so that they move on further and really develop the stuff I've started. The problem I have is that I'm loathe to get involved in something that I may not finish.

I think I should know tomorrow or at the weekend how it is panning out. Next week I am in the office most days I think but it could get really uncomfortable especially if I am going to leave.

Hello Fiji

I was on to a relative in Fiji today - the internet and instant messaging are great and allow you to interact with people all over the world. It was nice to let him know that I was getting nearer to an all clear. The Hospital dropped me an email saying that they wanted me in later than they originally said. That means I am going to end up there overnight again which is a pain as Mrs. F. works in the morning.

I'm pretty much happy to walk home myself as I only live 20 minutes away but I am sure no one will allow that - unless I don't tell anyone that is!! How do single people manage? Anyway - that at least means that I can have a light breakfast and plenty of water to make sure I don't dehydrate like I did on one of my earlier operations.

It is less than a month away now so feeling a little down about it already. That happens and is only natural I guess. To be apprehensive is part of the territory I guess. Hopefully, and how many times have I said this, this one will be the last of these procedures and I will have a flexible cystoscopy next time. OK that isn't nice either but it sure beats this malarkey of having to be pumped full of chemicals and finding a catheter stuck in you when you wake up and a cannula stuck in the back of your hand. Sheesh!!

It is also getting very close to decision time with my job - I can only imagine what kind of reaction there will be to that when it happens. I need to position that correctly especially as I will still be around for a little bit to help out. Who knows what the future will bring.

Off to Celebrate Flocky's Birthday

well actually it is the Provincial Officers' Mess which is a good evening out. We get a subsidised meal and wine and it is nice to get to meet lots of old friends.

I have foolishly stated that I will buy Flocky some Champagne which could make a serious dent in my wallet.

It will be good to get out and about and to meet a number of the troops again.

Nothing like a bit of Schindler's List

To send me off to bed in the right frame of mind. I have to say I'd forgotten just how deeply that last bit of the film affected me. More so as one of the children looks just like my eldest A. I'm still upset and that is 30 minutes after I finished watching it.

You can hardly believe that all of that is still within living memory and you can't even begin to imagine the utter horror of it all. I think you get a little insight into the fear if you've had cancer, maybe and so perhaps it drags out those experiences when I watch it. It's a very special film without a doubt.

Yuk Day

I hate it when the office is heated to sub tropical temperatures like today - I roasted and it tired me out. I managed to get lots of things done but by mid afternoon I was flagging. I left a little earlier than normal to find a half length train - great! That too was heated to grow some sort of rare plant and we roasted - at least someone reached a few windows and the blowers came on.

I may work from home tomorrow as it at least Ii can regulate the temperature and I can get a load more done. I shall think about that overnight. Time gets nearer to a decision. I feel myself wanting to hurry up and make the jump yet I cannot until my colleague's fate is sealed - possibly this Friday.

Almost a seminal day

Almost but not quite. We can't quite take the jump into the new business today. By the end of the week maybe and by the end of the week after almost certainly.

A good meeting but it has left me in limbo land as such as I'd like to tell my people to start looking for my replacement knowing that I am off to do my project.

At least we concluded that our venture has a future and that it needs to be worked on now. That said, it is by no means certain that we will get it to market, get funded or anything else! Happy Days :-)

The only constant in this life is change!

Gradually

You get your life back you know. When I thought about it this morning, I realised that I'm recording stuff that is pretty much what I'd stick in a diary and wondered how relevant it is to Bladder Cancer and do you know what? The relevance is that 3 years ago I was obsessed daily with it and to be truthful I do think about having or having had cancer every day of my life but gradually the old me has returned and things do get back to some sense of normality.

When I say normal, as normal as you are going to get because cancer changes your life anyway, it doesn't appear to have changed my underlying psychological profile but it has changed my attitude to life, the way I look at things and the way I do - or do not - care for people these days. I beginning to reclaim my life again and take back those things that my cancer took from me. The one thing I missed the most though was my brain - it still isn't all back here like it used to be but I am getting back to my sharpest again and that bodes well for me but not for my current customer/empoyer.