So here we are again then

It's just gone midnight - I decided to stay up late so that I'm tired and can get to sleep without giving myself a difficult time with my over active imagination. I have my alarm set early as I have to have breakfast by 7:30. I don't have to be in until 11:30. This will allow me to have breakfast and after 7:30 just to have water which I can drink right up until 11:00. I shall make sure I do that too as it helps quite a bit.

I've packing to do and I intend to do some exercises in the morning, have a shower and finish off packing so that I'm relatively busy before going in.

I feel a tiny bit apprehensive - given the last time I was in that isn't surprising but I hope they just cut out the area they saw, have a good look around and maybe take a few small biopsies and just let me get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

Of course - then there's the wait for the Out Patient appointment and the tale of the Microscope to attend to.

For now - I can already feel the back of my wrist throbbing - the cannula will no doubt do that once again. I hope that this will be the last of these but I suppose I'll have to await those results to hear what my fate will be.

I found my head wandering to some very dark places today - I perhaps shouldn't have so much time to myself sometimes. That's out of my head now and whilst it isn't going to be a day to look forward to tomorrow at least as I close this blog I know that it will all be over in less than 18 hours from now.

Sunday - Father's Day

My three strong bottled beers I got from A & L cannot be touched until after my operation so they'll just have to sit in the fridge until I'm ready for them - a day watching Wimbledon with a handful of beers sounds good. I shall force myself to take things easy for a day or two after the procedure - I really want to get on with work as it is getting to the exciting time now. However, I know the penalty for thinking you are fitter than you are and managed, a couple of times, to set myself back in the past.

Preparations for tomorrow are mainly completed - all MP3 players, my Kindle and phone are charged up and ready to go. I need to pack my bag but that can wait - I'll have plenty of time in the morning to do that.

I just need to re-read the instructions I've been given and to remember to hydrate myself properly. Well tomorrow will come soon enough and it's a lovely day - it's Fathers Day and I intend to do very little if anything from this point onwards.

Family Celebration

Well that was a nice evening - met up with the family, Aunt and Uncle, Cousins and 2nd Cousins etc. Lovely to see them all. My Uncle looks (not surprisingly) like my Dad and so do I and my Cousin M so it was a bit spooky to see us all together. When the whole lot of us are in one room it can be pretty spooky :-)

Was a lovely do, 60th Anniversary - that's probably something not many people would see - many would be lucky to see 50 I suppose.

We very rarely have parties but there is one in August when A becomes 18 and she has very kindly invited my Uncle and Aunt and Cousins - which is very nice of her to do. I think the last party must have been my 50th and they kindly turned up then. It looks as if a good number can make it but as it is also another birthday that weekend some can't. It doesn't matter really - it will be nice to see some of them there and to repay hospitality and to let them have a knees up without having to do the organising themselves.

I'll speak to my Mum in the morning - she'll be mortified that she could not attend - I've taken plenty of photos - hopefully not to "rub it in" that she wasn't there :-)

Well who'd believe that? Scar Wars X

So this is the 10th time I've been in for an Operation - 10! Well I thought it might be 9 but then went and checked it out.

I suppose, if you were reading this and have not had Bladder Cancer you'd wonder at having 10 Operations. Well it isn't quite as bad as you probably may think because:

• You get used to it - by that I mean - you realise quite early on that you'll have to be in and out a fair amount even if it is just to take a biopsy like this visit is
• It comes with the territory - there is every possibility that they'll need to do a minimum of three operations - TURBT (1), Biopsy and Re-TURBT (2) and a follow up biopsy.
• After treatment of a high grade cancer with BCG - in the UK they follow that up with full biopsies after each stage including maintenance.

I very much doubt that it will be the last one and it's been almost a year since my last one whereas for the 4 years before that I'd had at least 2 operations a year :-(

It was nice to get the two visual flexible cystoscopies rather than the full operation - again quite how you can imagine (if you aren't a sufferer) that this is preferable may be difficult to understand. However, it's worth considering this in your deliberations:

If you were, unfortunately, to get bladder cancer there is something to consider which is that you will be monitored closely. It DOES or CAN come back - it's annoying that it does this but, the upside (believe me if you have this it is) is that it can be treated and treated well with surgery, Immunotheraphy treatment, Drugs and if worst comes to worst, they can cut out the bladder altogether and build a neo bladder or do something else - they can save you - they have the technology and so the downside to all of that is that they keep their eye on you all the time, you have scopes, operations and other things all designed to keep you well. You often hear of people's cancer coming back and getting them after they thought they'd been cured etc but the thing with Bladder Cancer is that they'd be onto this fast as you like.

It is a whole of life thing of course and that means that I'll probably be being checked right up until the end of my life. I guess that I should be reassured by that but at the same time it is a little daunting too. At least I'll be looked after.

Anyway - 10th Operation in less than 5 years. Add 3 Flexible Cystocopies and the X-Ray which was a pretty low point, then I've had 14 things done in 5 years. Add my BCG Treatments (I can't remember if that was 24 or 18 visits) plus around about 10 Out Patient Visits and you'll soon see how it all adds up. On three Occasions I've been in for more than 2 days, twice I got out in a day and the remaining 4 were 2 days. For 3 of these Operations I had 4 weeks off twice and 2 weeks off last time. All the others were meant to be one or two days recovery.

It's a fair amount of lost time if you think about it - each BCG is a day off and in reality it is 24 hours one day to the next - generally it meant I only worked a few hours on the day and day after treatment. So I reckon that I've probably had about 20 weeks off in 5 years.

So - standby for Scar Wars X

If you want to know where the other Scar Wars Blog Posts are they are here:

Scar Wars I
Scar Wars II Scar Wars II Recovery
Scar Wars III
Scar Wars IV Delayed
Scar Wars IV
Scar Wars V
Scar Wars VI
Scar Wars VII
Scar Wars VIII
Scar Wars IX

Hopefully Scar Wars X will be a non event - I could do without too many adventures!

Last Working Day

Before the operation. I'm feeling OK today and yet a little fluttery underneath. I find that the nearer I get to the event, the easier distracted I am. I'm in pretty good shape this time to go in as my blood pressure is much lower than it has ever been and I feel in good physical shape. I'm still a little heavier than I want to be but if I could work out how to drop 20 pounds by Monday - I'd be onto a good thing and wouldn't need to work again :-)

I'll see how the rest of the day goes - hopefully a little easier than yesterday. I'm now in the zone of "I just want this out of the way" until then I have my Uncle and Aunt's 60th Wedding Anniversary party to go to on Saturday. That will be a hoot :-) Shame my parents and brother and his family cannot make it - well they probably could make it - but they don't travel well. Somehow you'd have thought they would have made the effort to come along but they probably have something important to do like dusting the fireplace.

Windows 7 and Web Cam

I have a web cam and a spare one - used before and thought - I know - I'll set up the web cam to monitor my driveway and use some software I have to do motion sense and capture and record anyone coming up my drive.

Yea right. Windows 7 supports neither of them and there are no drivers for them so they will join the great landfill along with the software and CDs etc that go with them - that's progress for you :-)

So I've ordered a new web cam which at 12Mp is pretty impressive and it has night vision and lots of other widgets on it. At least that will help defend the car when I replace the covers on the wing mirrors.

I realised today that I've been beating myself up about progress and didn't really need to as I've made a lot of progress in reality and just need to remember that. My last working day tomorrow and I intend to clean up the office a bit and make sure everything is tidy.

It could be interesting tomorrow morning - my daughter was meant to get me some Cottage Cheese today - she delayed and then went out to dinner and arrived back here a few minutes ago without it so I'll have to improvise tomorrow - I have a bit of Quark left and I spied some soft cheese so I'll use that as it's nearly similar. What a nuisance though especially as she took off with £5 cash so I'd better remember that I suppose! I can always wander down to the shops and get some later in the day I guess.

L finished school today and so that's it I suppose - the end of an era - both are finished at school both will be at University after the summer and I'll have to learn to talk to Mrs. F. again I suppose :-) That'll be interesting.

Exercise continues and blood pressure remains encouragingly low. The diet seems to be working although I overdosed on soup today :-) I shall have to think up something different to have for my dinner tomorrow!

Can't be arsed

I know it sounds bad but I really can't be arsed to do anything too much at the moment. The operation is about to hove into view and I get distracted and restless. It was funny though that I was speaking to my business partner about not having achieved much and as we talked about it we both came to realise that, in fact, I'd done a lot of work this week even though I felt I hadn't. It's a bit of a guilt trip too as he is stuck into a piece of work that only he can get on with and I need that work done before I can add my piece to it.

It is Ls last day at school today - she has just left to go and do her final Maths exam and with any luck she'll be able to get the results she needs to go to Cambridge in September/October.

It's funny how my nerves are beginning to kick in now - I thought I'd be OK about it but I suppose that it's only natural to worry a bit about things. Work distracts me but I also get then distracted from work with the odd random thought. At least I made my list of things to be done before Monday so I'm happy that is started and I can add to it if I get any of these random interrupt thoughts.

Blood Pressure

Still good and very pleased with that I am too. My exercise routines are getting better and I managed over 7km tonight.

Have to say I'm beginning to feel a little apprehensive - pretty normal for me - just getting to the stage of getting a little sad and a little pensive about things. I'm certain that it will all go well on Monday - I just need to get my act together over the next few days and get myself "in the zone" to go in. I suppose I didn't have my Kindle the last time I went in so that will be useful as it has music and books and an audio book in it plus I have my MP3 players (3 of them now) so I shouldn't run out of stuff to keep me distracted.

I certainly notice that I'm feeling a bit quieter and withdrawn than I normally am and I guess that is just another way of me dealing with things too.

Well - better get off to bed and see if I can get any sleep - the dreams are most bizarre at the moment - the other morning I was on a Cruise Ship that couldn't get through an area so we disembarked and folded the ship up and carried it - then unfurled it again - I have NO idea what that was all about - it seemed very realistic but even in my sleep I knew it was too ridiculous for words :-)

Quark

Well - this morning I had my first dealings with using Quark in the Budwig recipe for Flax Seed Oil and what is normally Cottage Cheese.

First, Quark costs about the same and has little or no salt or sodium in it. It looks much like any cream soft cheese and was quite difficult to get level measures and also to get it off the spoon at all as it is quite a creamy consistency. Having said that, I did struggle manfully to get it in the mixing bowl and added the flax seed oil - it mixed in pretty much as Cottage Cheese does but is much thicker. I added some milk to bring it down to a better consistency but perhaps a little too much as I made it quite runny.

It tastes really sour on its own but it was fine poured over some cereal though. It certainly doesn't have the slightly salty taste that Cottage Cheese does but it is still quite a sour taste.

I think what I might do is go between the two as I go on - there doesn't appear to be much Cottage Cheese around with reduced Sodium - although, having said that, most is pretty low by most standards, a serving providing about 10% of the daily allowance.

Quark is only sold in small tubs but is around the same price point so cost isn't an issue. I can probably do more with Cottage Cheese recipe wise but will see how I get on. For the moment, it seems to do the right things - that's the most important part.

Coffee with Flocky

A nice wander down to the local Costa Coffee and a chat with Flocky starts the day off nicely. Unfortunately, overnight, some little scroat has come up the drive way to the house and stolen the wing mirror covers off of the girl's car. It's a nuisance and it's a shame we aren't allowed to electrify our cars in the UK - I'd hate to affect the little sod's human rights! We have some bloody strange legislation from the European wet liberals that doesn't allow us to electrocute or otherwise castrate or kill trespassers and thieves. Some say I'm a little to the right of Attila the Hun when it comes to my politics :-)

So, perhaps I will set up a little webcam to sort this out in future. It's a quiet little road but occasionally we get this sort of minor irritant.

Oh well - better get on with some work I suppose :-)

Curry with friend

And we got around to talking about his Dad's death a few months ago and mortality and how it was about 5 years ago that I got the news etc. It wasn't a maudlin type of conversation, more a review of how life is and how easily it can be taken away. His Dad being a case in point. He died very suddenly and he wasn't ever ill or showed any signs. OK - now - it was a godsend that he died quickly, knowing that his widow was taken care of - he was worried about that as they took him away in the Ambulance. He thought about others before himself even at that trying moment.

He died from a stroke that affected his Brain Stem - that was it - we discussed the whole thing and the view that when he saw his father moments after he had died how it wasn't him, there was no life there. It's a sobering thought that all my close friends have lost their fathers and yet my dad is still alive. I am going to my Uncle and Aunt's 60th Wedding Party this weekend and like I've stated before - I go to these but my Mum and Dad and my Brother don't. It's a shame really. Whilst I can't say that I'm bosom buddies with my kid brother, I think I'd get my arse together and go see him for an anniversary or key moment. As you may recall, neither my brother or my parents turned up for my 50th birthday. I suppose I should be a bit more "hurt" than I am about that but, like the conversation I had tonight, I really can't be arsed to get upset about it anymore.

I feel good and bad about that all at the same time. My Mum would come at the drop of a hat and maybe I ought to offer to sort that out but Dad would just whinge and she wouldn't want to leave him on his own.

I HATE the idea of getting old and I hate the feeling that I am turning into my father too.

We, Mrs. F., A and L will go to the party this weekend - we will face the usual questions about how come my parents aren't there or my brother but we will be and that's important. They think I'm seriously ill. My cousin, their daughter, has had Breast Cancer and she and I are kindred spirits - we have the "life mantra" let's do it now before it's too late and all that :-) I keep trying to tell them I'm fine but I think - given the family history - and the experiences most have with the "Big C" that they look on the two of us as little miracles! :-)

Anyway - I am annoyed but understand why my parents and brother don't go to these things but you'd have thought, as it's family and very rare that they'd come along. After all, being very blunt about it, it may be the last chance my father and his brother actually get the chance to meet each other. I think it's sad but then again, I don't really see eye-to-eye with my brother and I suppose you could look at it in the same way. My only redeeming feature is that at least I go up and see my parents and make myself available to meet him - even if he doesn't want to meet me.

Families are shit sometimes aren't they?

Quiet Time - Before the Storm I bet

All gone quiet here at the moment. Most of the work is done but my business partner needs to work on something that will then free me up like a cork out of a Champagne bottle! There's lots of little things to be done at the moment and the little stuff takes up a lot of time. The other problem is that each relies on something of its predecessor and so we have bottlenecks and it isn't easy to do parallel working at this stage in the business.

It's exactly one year ago since we started - we commenced with 6 (4 founders +2) and we are now at around 5 but 2 of the original founders are not with us. that really has cost us at least 6 months if not more as we have had to fill in for those missing people and replace them too.

I'm busying myself with work on the business plan and tidying up what I've already done and hopefully we will be able to bring it together in the next two months or so. Then we will see if we are barking mad or have something that someone will want to invest it.

Things are quiet at the moment - I doubt that will last very long at all.

All be over this time next week

And I'll either be languishing in Hospital or be home. I hope the Latter.

I'm getting little bursts of not being happy about going in but nothing too bad. I never have liked Hospitals and maybe I'll count up the number of times I've been in after this trip in. It's probably 8 or 9 times I think.

It is almost getting to my record of when I was a kid - I think that was 11 times in total for my Ears, Nose Throat and goodness knows what else. It's amazing there is anything left of me to cut away :-)

All good fun - not :-)

One Week To Go

Funny how I looked at my watch and thought - this time next week. In fact it will be this time next week when I'll be climbing into my operating gown and setting myself up for a series of consent forms, BP readings, talks with Consultant, Anaesthetist and Registrar plus the Nurses. I try and keep myself to myself, I am not one of these people who natter away with small inane chitter chatter. I far prefer to get myself into a zone where I am in my own world, listening to music and then a little later just waiting for the tell tale sound of clogs and trolley when they come to get you. Invariably, I've been sitting for around 2 (or more sometimes) hours by the time that comes and in a way it is a bit of a relief as you know that you're on your way to the theatre and thereafter, its one minor pain in the hand and that's you out of it for a while.

But that's a week away :-)

A little too much to drink

Yesterday - we carried on and had a few too many - not that I was particularly hung over you understand but the funny thing was that I got a call today and we met up again for a couple of beers at lunch time. Well, thank goodness I don't have too many occasions to drink or have large meals again until September when the season kicks off again. The odd meeting here and there which I can cope with but, luckily, not too much else.

That will allow me to continue dropping weight and keeping to my diet.

Mrs. F. has managed to find some Quark Cheese. I'll try it out later this week when I finish off the cottage cheese and I can report on what it is like. It certainly has next to no sodium or salt in it which is good.

My Aunt called to make sure that I'd be OK to go to her party next week - which I will. It's funny how people think you are at death's door when of course you're not. It was surprising how many people were quite seriously worried about me yesterday, you'd have thought I was going to have something amputated :-) It's very strange what I think is acceptable and what they do.

Nice Surprises

My suit, the one I use for Lodge meetings fits :-) Just three weeks ago it was almost cutting me in half and I couldn't wear either of my waistcoats because they wouldn't button up. This morning, my shirt felt loose around my neck, my trousers are a snug but not uncomfortable fit and my waistcoat and jacket actually do up. Three weeks ago I couldn't do the buttons up as they hardly met. It's nice surprises like that which are the most welcome - it just shows how much weight I've lost in the past few weeks.

Yesterday Steve Kelley dropped me a note that if I could find Low Sodium Cottage Cheese, that would be even better for me especially as I am under treatment for high blood pressure (not that you can call it high now). Despite lots of research we cannot find it at all but what we did find was that Quark is readily available and that has just traces of salt and sodium. So that will go on the list in place of Cottage Cheese. Having said that, I do eat a fair bit of Cottage Cheese anyway as part of my diet and so I might just balance that or throttle it back as I'm having 6 tablespoons every morning and probably 4 at lunchtime. I'll record what happens on this as we go.

However, the good news is that I'm obviously losing weight and feeling good, blood pressure is nicely stabilised at 130 over 90 or less than that almost all the time.

A week and 2 days to go until I need my Rigid Cystoscopy, I really hope that they don't decide to pull me around as much as they did last time :-( I still look back at that as worse than having the original tumour cut out in the first place.

It's coming up to 5 years in July - 5 years and yet the trouble really happened around about now 5 years ago. I spotted a couple of bits of blood in my urine but thought it was to do with lifting about the heaviest thing I'd ever lifted up and down the stairs. Within weeks, all that was to change. Wow 5 years - I can hardly believe it has been that long. What a ride!

Exercise went on hold tonight

I was on an emergency errand. My friend's mother lives locally and I made sure that she has my number so that if she needs anything she can get me, or one of my other friends who lives locally. It was actually OK to give up my exercise as I decided to walk there and back which was quite good - I suppose it is 20 - 25 minutes walk and so I managed to get a good 40 to 50 minute walk in place of exercising on the cross trainer.

It was a simple thing to fix. the Freeview box wasn't responding so after checking the batteries in the remote and being an IT Bod myself, I just cycled the power to the box or as they say in the call centres "Turn it off and on again" and hey presto it worked so I was there all of 5 minutes. On the way home Mrs. F. drove straight past me :-) Not that I wanted a lift of course.

I'm out tomorrow to a Lodge meeting and it will have been a year since I gave up the Secretaries job. It will be nice tomorrow as I have a guest and he and I can sit back and enjoy the meeting and I don't have to do anything. It's quite pleasing in a way and we have a healthy lunch too - a salmon salad - which will be nice. But can I resist the temptation of the cheese and biscuits when they come around? If the Brie is beginning to run and the Stilton is ripe too I may have a problem. Perhaps I will forgo my desert and have a little bit of cheese - how I miss it :-) Anyway - I'm sure I don't have to live like a hermit and can treat myself once in a while!

Two Weeks On

And the FOCC addition to my diet appears to be working in small ways. I have lowered my blood pressure to normal levels which is pretty impressive. I was amazed that it was "normal" at the Hospital although it was a bit high at the GPs. The daily readings I do show a marked improvement and looking back to last year and before it is like falling off a cliff.

I can certainly feel better and circulation is markedly improved as is my skin. Because I'm also eating far more fibre and vegetables and fruit - there is also an improvement in digestion.

Yes - I'm pleased about doing this - Mrs. F. isn't wild about the cost of the Flax Seed Oil but at £9 for 2 weeks worth it isn't so bad. The Flax seeds and the Cottage Cheese aren't that expensive so it evens out. I've made myself a batch of lentil soup which is pretty wicked - I used red lentils, mushrooms, carrots, tomatoes, mint and a handful of other herbs and spices. It's got a fair old kick to it :-) I'm eating no bread, margarine, cheese, cakes, biscuits etc. I'm having plenty of fruit and salads, oily fish, hummus, cottage cheese, fish sticks, soups and the occasional jacket potato.

I'm exercising at least every other day - although I've done everyday this week so far. I'll probably not do Saturday as I am out. Around 30 minutes at a time and trying to get to 7.4kM or above (around 4 miles or more). I'll not try for my target 5 miles (8kM) for a while until I lose a bit more weight and strengthen my legs a bit. I tend to then do a series of stretches and exercises for 5 minutes afterwards with some small dumbells that allow me to stretch down.

I then go and cool down a bit and take one or two Blood Pressure readings and record those - hence I get a good view on blood pressure and pulse. This is really useful to keep the habit going. I must remember to also measure my weight, waist, chest for my weight loss chart. I forgot last week (I only do it weekly).

Whilst exercise sucks (A phrase I have no hesitation in stealing from fellow sufferer Steve Kelley Thanks Steve), it does make a difference and it's no use dieting without putting in some exercise as well. I've made it a habit and that's part of the trick to it. It is so easy not to do it but make it part of a routine and also understand the benefits (not always apparent as you struggle for breath and find yourself sweating like crazy, slightly red in the face and tired out at the end of a session). How anything that makes you like that is good for you I have no idea :-) Anyhow, you don't need many sessions to see what a difference it makes. I've probably lost one notch on my belt size this past 2 weeks as well as feeling much better.

Still sucks though :-)

How it's described in writing

So the copy letter of my flexible cystoscopy came through today. It describes it as a "Slightly raised, red, very small area on the posterior bladder wall". Also that the urine cytology showed bacterial overgrowth. I think that means is was probably contaminated. It certainly wasn't the usual type of pot I use and I also wondered about the "wisdom" of me taking it in over a weekend?

Anyhow, yesterday's was all OK and they took the sample at the flexible cystoscopy and did cytology on that. So I think it can only have been contamination rather than a reflection of what's up with me!! :-)

So we will have to wait and see what they make of this very small area - it may be something to do with treatment but who knows - it is too early to speculate.

So much to do

So little time to do it in. It's really difficult there being just two of us in the business as we have to do everything. We have a new guy, a very good friend of mine who will get involved as our Commercial man - he and I go back 38 years - so we kind of trust each other :-) However, he cannot do what we need to as it is more about the internal detail of the next phase and it's in our heads not out on paper. So it's down to us.

We've worked so hard this past year especially as we went from 4 to 2 of us and these little bits and pieces of work are taking a long time - it often happens - the bulk of the work is done and just needs checking and these tiny little bits of detail take a while to do.

Not to worry - I'm feeling up for the challenge now especially as I've a few weeks to burn away before going into Hospital.

Blood Pressure

I am really pleased about my Blood Pressure readings. They are plummeting and I even managed to have a normal reading at the Hospital so things really are getting seriously better.

I've been on a part of the Budwig Diet for just under three weeks. In that time, my skin and circulation has felt better and my blood pressure appears to have come down significantly. There are other noticeable differences which, let's just say, a more fibrous diet appears to have improved too.

I'm trying to keep away from sugar, starches, high fat products, preserved meats and I'm generally eating far more fruit and veg with quite a bit of fish, lots of cottage cheese and lots of soups. I have all sorts of dried fruit and nuts too. The only thing that's taking time is to wean myself off artificial sweeteners which appear to receive a bad press. I'm using some syrup naturally pressed from fruit but after trying it in my coffee found the taste not to my liking - it is great with FOCC Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese. What I have now started doing is to mix the FOCC, add some milk to make it less thick then pour it over breakfast cereal, Weetabix or Bran Flakes or Cheerios all of which just help to make it a breakfast rather than eating a gritty thick cream.

I'm really pleased at the way it is all going, I hope that today's blood test may also show good improvement. As the Tesco Advert says "Every Little Helps" too right it does.

Pre-Assessment

Went better than expected. Blood pressure of 143 of 93 was the lowest ever recorded there and although heart rate was 120 I managed to deep breath it down to around 100 eventually.

ECG was fine albeit heart was racing again. The nurse knows me well and did my blood test in seconds - she is very good and knows that all I need is to take it easy and not get any sudden shocks. The Doctor was very late so I didn't leave for at least an hour after when I normally do - in normal circumstances I'm in and out in around 30 or 40 minutes. I note that I was second to be seen today but as it is quite a wait until I go in I don't think I can read much into that at all.

Home to a nice cup of coffee (which I didn't have before I went!). Had my FOCC for breakfast and quite a bit of water to make sure I could provide a urine sample on demand at the Hospital.

So we are all set for the 20th June now. My GP can now also have copies of my blood results and hopefully all will be well. Which is what the Doctor said after examining me - not heard that before. They'll make a decision based on those results? So all done, once again. Good old MP3 player as well as I was able just to relax with that - I should perhaps have taken my Kindle too as that would have helped me calm down. Being late on my way home I got caught in a shower - which wasn't meant to arrive until tomorrow :-) Mmmm

Hospital in the morning

At least it isn't the crack of dawn this time and so I can get up about 7:30, do some exercises and then breakfast and head off for my appointment. It's a pleasant walk there and back and if they get to see me quickly I'll be happy enough. At least I don't need to get two blood tests - I will be interested to see what the results are like though - I wonder if they are much lower than they were pre FOCC?

Once tomorrow's out of the way I'll be happy and then can just wait until the 20th hits for the operation itself.

I hate going to the Doctors

For obvious reasons in my case I hate going to the Doctors - I associate it with being ill and I hate the heat in the waiting room and the doctor's room. Why is it always so hot? I was sweating by the time I left - that is how hot it was.

So - Blood Pressure - through the roof . My readings - pretty good especially Diastolic which have come down substantially in the past few weeks. They had wanted to see me in January but they were a little concerned over some of the results in my blood test. Some bits were high - not alarmingly high. We worked out that the fasting bit I had managed to over do a fair amount and was probably de-hydrated too - considering that I probably didn't have anything from 9pm in the evening until about 11 or 12 the next day it isn't surprising but. I have a pre-assessment tomorrow so they'll be able to share data. the other reading that was high was my Triglyceride - which is interesting. As it was Christmas I am guessing I probably pigged out on some cakes and stuff around that time. I don't now of course and I'm on the FOCC first thing every morning - it will be interesting to see if things are better now given that I don't touch bread, cakes, biscuits and the like but I am ingesting Flax Oil - I'll be interested to see what happens on that.

I did early exercise this morning and measured my BP, printed and took that down to the GPs so they could see what the difference is in my home BP readings and those at the GPs. I intend to do the same tomorrow and also to make sure that I take a copy for the Hospital too.

So - there you have it - I really hate the doctors but at least I know one thing - the protocol I'm on now should help me to get my body back into some sort of balance. My diastolic blood pressure has dropped significantly in the past 2 or 3 weeks - much lower than I've ever seen it and my systolic seems to be coming down too - not as much as the diastolic but enough to convince me that continuing with FOCC and exercise and my diet which is pretty much free of anything like bread, cakes, cheese, butter or margarine, ham and processed foods is worth continuing and seeing where it takes me.

Tuesday morning

it's about 0:50 Tuesday morning - I have to go and see the Doctor in the morning but got involved in reading an interesting article and my brain is now racing - I want to get up early tomorrow and may have queered that by staying awake and probably not getting to sleep for a few hours with my head like this.

I am in a better frame of mind - I think last week's little wobble just brought back the bad thoughts around whether we were barking mad going off to set up the business. I guess that happens a lot but we really didn't need the "alternative approach" lecture last week - we know that - however it has meant we have re visited it briefly and done a stop and check - met a few very trusted people and actually feel that we probably are on the right track. It means losing another one of our passengers but hey ho - we will just have to sort that out as we go -perhaps it is for a reason.

I'm not at all sure about going to visit the Doctor tomorrow - I think it could be "interesting" but let's see - if it is just a BP check and a chat then perhaps I'll manage with that. I've plenty of other stuff to be thinking about and that's not helping settle me of course.

Oh well best be off and see if I can get some sleep.

Apprehension

Is exactly what I'm feeling - it's 00:15 Monday morning - I'm awake, I'm trying hard to be positive this week and yet I don't feel positive at all. I think the impact of last week's set back on the business still shook me and I spent a lot of time at the weekend trying to rationalise that.

It's a matter of stepping up once again and really getting a grip of the stuff we have left to do. The biggest disappointment has been people. In fact all along it's been people. We've suffered from a lack of commitment or, as in last week's case, through some strange behaviour. Invariably the 6 people who started last year's journey went to 4 and is now definitely 2. I think that there's a bad taste about it too as the risk is all ours, in a way we knew it would be but not to this depth. It's frightening that they've let it go when they were so enthusiastic. I think if it had been me I would have tried hard to stay involved and to do something, no matter how little it would be.

Oh well - another day tomorrow and hopefully when Tuesday and Wednesday are out of my system I feel better:

Tuesday is a review with my GP - it is very early in the morning so we can get that out of the way. Wednesday is Pre-Assessment day and again early enough that I can be home around mid morning. I am quite worried about both of them and I think it is just a combination of the way things are at the moment. I'm having one of my feeling down moments. I'll spring back, I always do.

My fear is that I may be getting like my dad and starting to get this anxiety streak. I hear myself sometimes and pull myself back into check. I feel his frustration - I too hate getting old and having had cancer it throws many worries into your head (justified or not). Many of these are not nice scenarios - you play through what-ifs and off you go into a bad place. I'm reasonably good at policing myself, I'm reasonably good at being upbeat but you must have these occasional blips - it's natural.

Talking of natural - I'm really pleased that I'm continuing to eat more fruit and veg and my FOCC in the morning and I've started to begin to feel the benefit - I must remember that I need to keep at it and not to fall back into the trap that I did after the last visit to the Hospital where they beat me up so bad that I fell out of the habit of exercising.

Weekend - Respite

I shall leave work alone (if I can) and just try and chill out a bit :-)

Last night's end of season supper was very nice indeed and thoroughly enjoyed it. Yesterday we were sat at a Costa in the next town north of here. The windows were open, it was a lovely day and the convertibles were out, Bentley, Porche, Lexus, Ferarri, Chrysler and all sorts - it was almost continental. Surprising factoid? There are more convertibles per head in the UK than in the US. Not surprising for a country that has only the weather as a main topic of conversation.

I've been on this FOCC "diet" for over a week now - I actually noticed that I've lost a fair bit of weight already as I fitted comfortably into a shirt that was tugging around the middle two weeks ago. That's encouraging. Also still noticing that skin and circulation appear to be really good. The funny thing was at last night's supper - it must have been the largest meal I've had for a long time as I could barely eat it all - and a lot of it was salad.

End on a funny - might as well publish it here for a laugh. Flocky Bicep calls me on his way to work with a strange request. He is going to be passing the house and needs to pop in to see me. His day involves going to work then getting changed into a formal suit and driving off to a meeting and on the way back he pops in to see us at the Supper.

The reason he needs to pop in and see me? He's forgotten to pack any socks! :-) As luck would have it, there was a spare pair of dark socks I could lend him!! Strange but true..

Strange Day

So I wake at 04:30 and cannot get back to sleep - my mind is racing and eventually I give in at 5:00 and get up. I delay breakfast until 6:30 but I am wide awake and not in a "good place". Not a good place because of the meeting on Wednesday. Have I been wasting my time? Did I just spend a year of my life going nowhere?

Well - no I didn't. Not at all. But the seed of doubt was sown and I'm not strong enough (still - though I used to be) to quash this. However, my partner and I are convinced that the due diligence we have done is good - perhaps we aren't communicating it properly.

Tonight we get a chance to let our hair down a bit and have an evening of food, wine, good fun, a few beers and that's just great as it relieves the pressure and I get a weekend to reflect.

My business partner is very generous and drives us to and from the event and we partake of a few beverages :-)

The day is an up and down one - we hit every emotion and every high and low - but we still come out on top.

Next week is not great for me - but perhaps - I just ought to reflect that it could be worse, a lot worse :-)

FOCC one week in

Well - I've stuck to the morning ritual of grinding flax seeds, mixing Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese and as time has gone on, I've added a little milk and then put that onto some breakfast cereal and that seems to work extremely well. The slightly bitter taste of the mixture compliments the cereal.

My blood pressure is all over the place - I'm not absolutely certain what is going on. I've decided that I need to keep my eye on this as I am due into see the GP on Tuesday and the then have my Pre-Assessment on Wednesday. I may resort to exercising in the morning rather than the evening. In the evening, when I exercise my blood pressure is lower by some margin.

I'm feeling fine, I certainly feel that my skin is warmer to the touch and I feel quite well in myself. I have no idea if anything else has changed in the past week but I'm going to keep on with this regime, it isn't strenuous and with the exercise and diet - I can begin to feel the benefits. Unfortunately there is a large evening meal coming up tomorrow - but after that - perhaps I can have a few months without the big meals and drinks.

After yesterday's meeting, my colleague and I are left feeling a little flat and a little deflated. In a way, it is because we got a "different story" this time from one of our advisers - different to what he told us some time ago. The trouble is we were working on that advice and now it has changed. It was a strange day and we just need a bit of time to regroup and take stock. It is always difficult when we want to do something "right" but there is a "quick and dirty" way that you might be forced to go in to cut corners to get to the same place. If we do that, we know we have to then change the business later to put it back the way it should be which makes you wonder why you'd do that :-)

Interestingly one of the comments was that we may need to move to the US to get funding? Hmmmmm. Anyway - it has knocked us sideways a bit but we just need to dust ourselves off and review where we go next.

Phew - Mum said there's be days like this

Strewth. That was hard going and justifiably so. We had our first review of our finances today and got royally torn apart - good job in a way as we deserved to and knew that was going to happen. The reason is simple, we have been working, just the 2 of us, flat out for close to a year now on this opportunity. Some say we are too detailed, some not detailed enough and everyone's an expert in this sort of stuff. Today though was a real test of the work we have done so far.

It's kind of scary as we were taking it all quite well and then something turned up we weren't expecting which has thrown us a bit - not in a bad way but the desired effect is that we need to stop for a short while, consider what we have just heard and then go back to the drawing board and alter a couple of our plans. It isn't as drastic as it sounds because we have structured everything to be able to be altered. It just means that we will probably add another month onto our workload.

It's at times like this that you realise just how out on a limb we are. I'm off to the Jazz Night tonight so can let that wash over me and return refreshed tomorrow.

Another Lesson Learnt

Don't exercise to AC/DC :-)

I almost got my record distance of 7.4kM today fell short at 7.3kM which is 4.54 Miles in 30 minutes - not bad for an overweight fat over middle aged guy!

It certainly gives you some Ooommmpphhh that's for certain. I feel that Brahms Lullaby might be better for me next time :-)

Now though - has it helped my Blood Pressure which was off the scale this morning?

Well after 5 minutes after exercise it is down to 132 over 94 with a pulse of 121.
After 10 Minutes 136 over 89 and pulse 112

I think my pulse is a bit high but there you go - I've just worked out for30 minutes at close to 9 miles an hour so I suppose that's not too bad for me.

That was bizarre

I just measured my BP and got an almost off the scale reading - the wrong way - like 170 over 110!! What was all that about? Will monitor that as if it is like that next Wednesday the GP will go apoplectic. It's really low after exercise so perhaps something to read into it there.

I also note that I am back to the weight I was last year before I lost loads! How annoying. Working at home and a sedentary lifestyle are to blame! At least I know what to do and how to do it. I do find it difficult to stop working and go and exercise - you somehow feel you are cheating taking time for yourself and yet - I actually work for myself so there's a silliness if ever there was one.

I've turned the living room back from being a Cinema and back to its proper use. Mrs. F. and A are due home later today. I watched Matrix III - not the best of the 3 films but it finished off the viewing from the night before and Saving Private Ryan which is a pretty good film and one that explains a little about the brutality and randomness of the whole thing. It will shortly be the anniversary of that day 67 years ago.

I'm still on the FOCC and today followed yesterday's pattern of making the mixture a bit more runny, putting it on top of some breakfast cereal and then putting the ground flax seeds on top of that with some dried blueberries and that makes an acceptable start to the day.

Now that's what home alone is all about

Silly I know but I repositioned myself into the centre of my living room and properly adjusted the 5.1 surround sound system and then watched Ronin and followed that up with Matrix II. Both have fab car chases in them and the sound really makes a big difference when set up properly. I have to compromise a bit when the family are here as the speakers go in the corner of the room.

So - how is it going? Alright - I am very happy in my own company and had a day of sport F1 Monaco, the PGA Golf and then my films and I opened a nice bottle of chilled white wine. Excellent.

I am continuing with the FOCC mixture - I made it a little more runny today - slightly by accident - and then - as it looked so loose - added it to some cereal which seemed to work quite well.

I'm feeling OK and I'm hoping that another couple of weeks of this and dieting will see me start to lose weight gradually again. Of course this is interspersed with a visit to the Doctors and then two visits to the Hospital. I hope they don't carve me up like they did last time.

Quiet Tonight

I just watched Kingdom of Heaven - I quite like that and was terribly worried that the DVD had been wrecked but it appears to have been a fault with the TV as when I set it up to check tonight it worked fine. At last, with a quiet house the full 5.1 DTS surround system comes into it's own - there's always background noise in the house normally so it is a treat to listen more closely to the film.

I've continued the FOCC this morning and intend to do this as a regular breakfast - it seems to fill me up nicely for the day too. Tomorrow I need to be up early to collect L and bring her back here then she goes off to stay at her boyfriend's place in Cambridge for the week. Mrs. F. and A went off early and were at the Eden Project (described as Awesome by Photographer A). She should know. Some of her other work is being displayed in the shop in Orpington and it looks as if she will be able to have the whole of the 1st floor area for her own exhibition over the summer. If that happens I will hope to get involved and make sure we give her a good chance of success. Her intern-ship may well help her to further develop her style and it appears to me that she is heading into the Fine Art field with her work but - let's see. I'm always amazed by the way she (artistic people) view the world. She can frame a photograph of something you and I would look at in a totally different way and bring out something hidden or unnoticed. Clever - I enjoy clever people and the way their minds work.

I'm feeling good - I didn't get to do any exercise today as I was running L around. Maybe I'll do some in the morning or perhaps tonight before bed?

The diet took a bit of a knock tonight as I made far too much pasta for my seafood pasta meal it could have fed two - I did manfully work my way through it but I probably should have throw it away - but I hate to see anything wasted. Mrs. F. kindly got me enough Cottage Cheese to last until the middle of the week so I'm OK about getting my FOCC regularly. I'm aiming for everyday if at all possible.

The stuff you don't know

So I get to the funeral and it's rammed inside the church a good turnout from the Lodge and many other institutions. I'm always amazed at the things you don't know about people. It's terribly British - and it may be true elsewhere too - but you never mention what you did in the war - it's just not done old chap :-)

So the Vicar is reading out about our friend's life and when he was a very young man - about 19 years old he was in the Royal Navy and at that tender age was in D-Day+1 and Captained/Piloted a landing craft - under fire, taking people to and from and he navigated all the way over there too. He lost some comrades too.

We - who have known him (some for 50 years) only knew he was a midshipman - we thought in the Royal Navy Voluntary Reserve. You just never know do you, you just never know and these heroes never say anything at all!

It was a lovely service and I got to see his widow and hand over my Eulogy to John - I always find myself lost for words, someone says thanks for coming - so what is your reply? I wanted to? It went as well as it could I suppose.

We then had the wake and ended up in a pub with one of the guys I have a "little trouble with" and we had a very good conversation - he has plenty of troubles at the moment and we discussed those and we discussed - as you do - death and eventually we get around to my condition and we have a good talk about my attitude and why I'm so different these days. He goes off and I am having a beer when our old next door neighbour's son says hello. I ask after his parents and he tells me that his Dad died at the beginning of the year. I'd seen his dad at the Urology Clinic getting checked out at the flow centre - to do with Prostate. However, he didn't actually have that problem he had Kidney Cancer and pretty aggressive too, it had metastasised and was close to his heart and then he got a brain tumour which they sorted but he died earlier in the year just after his 70th birthday. He felt that was significant. His mum was devastated of course. I asked that he convey our sympathy to his mum and the rest of the family. I think I only saw him about 18 months ago but hadn't seen him around the local pub for a while - now I know why.

So I got a lift home from L which was good - she drives OK and so I wasn't feeling worried. Got home and was in two minds whether to go away for a couple of days down to Cornwall or not. I've decided after much deliberation not to go - if I had I would have needed to drive a fair amount and I really do need to get some rest as I have been burning up time and getting very little proper sleep this past week or so. I also want to get ready to sort out the business stuff as we appear to have got a sprint on. Invariably though, I get some "me" time this weekend and bank holiday Monday so I can spend at least a day and a half just in my own company doing what I want to do. I'd like to go and have a holiday but it's a long way and I'm not sure I'd actually rest.

Funeral

Well - it's never good to go to a funeral but we had a good one - if there can be such a thing. I was pleased to take my friend out and buy the beers and have a heart to heart with him today. He, of all the people I know has been sh*t on many times and just makes the best of it. We haven't been seeing eye to eye recently and so today was a good opportunity to resolve that and bury the hatchet which we did I am pleased to say.

The upshot was that I bought the beers all afternoon and that was by design - I'd already told him he wasn't buying anything as he can't afford it. Finally he acceded to my desire. We go back a long way and as at funerals and such things we talked in some (alcohol induced) depth and that was good - we are old friends and needed to clear the air. He doesn't "get me" and sometimes I don't "get him". We understand each other now.

I then bumped into the son of my old next door neighbours who had tragic news - when I asked how his Mum and Dad were he told me that his Dad had died - the last time I had seen him was at the Urology Clinic about 3 or maybe 4 years ago - he was doing the usual Prostate Flow check but his son told me that it was in fact Kidney Cancer that had metastasised that actually caused the problems and that aged just 70 he died of complications from Kidney cancer etc. How bizarre that we had talked about this before my friend had to go home.

I got a lift home from 2nd Daughter L - who picked me up and she drives really well - I was most impressed. Good for her.

Second Day

Well this FOCC - see Steve's explanation for details, is easy enough to follow and I used slightly less quantities to yesterday - a little less than the 6 tablespoons, I used 6 soup spoons which are about 2/3rd of the quantity. It is still quite a bowl full. I added a little milk this time and a little honey which just took the edge off the taste which isn't unpleasant but I guess is more unusual. It reminds me of very thick Muesli I suppose except a lot creamier consistency.

It is encouraging to note that my skin feels warm and soft to the touch and as I said yesterday it feels very much like after I had given up smoking when suddenly you notice these things. It is markedly different but let's not get carried away shall we? It doesn't suit my scientific brain to do that.

I am impressed with the way the Flax Seed Oil disappears into the Cottage Cheese - that's pretty impressive and Steve wisely suggests that you don't do this with motor oil :-)

I have a funeral to go to at midday - one of the Lodge members and I suppose I've known him now for 30 years. In fact when I first met him he was my age! He has had a terrible past 9 years with a fall followed by a stroke, aorta repair and lately stomach cancer. It is terribly sad how the last years of his life were like that. I hope that there will be a good number up at the church for him - I'm sure there will be. I need to get a Taxi there as there are no cars left on the drive - I suppose I could get the push bike out - that would be a laugh. No on second thoughts, I'll get a taxi - I would walk but the lanes are narrow, unsighted and quite dangerous and I'd have to walk the long way which is at least 3 miles if not 4.

I'm quite upbeat about FOCC although it obviously needs to become part of my overall diet and routine. It certainly appears to work for many other people and I just hope that it adds a little something to the overall strategy of looking after myself properly, exercising and doing the best I can to halt / prevent / keep at bay cancer and assist the medical team that way. Even if it is just making you think about or stick to that regime it is a good thing.

Absent Minded

Or maybe distracted a bit - it could be I because if just thinking things through. A Funeral tomorrow - I ought to go - it's as difficult as you like to get there but I think I may get a taxi there, attend the funeral and then wander across the road from the Church to a rather nice pub I know and have a few leisurely beers in a lovely Kent country pub. I can get a taxi back or call on one of the girls to pick me up when they've finished whatever they are doing.

I've been pretty good on my diet this week and with the rest of the family disappearing for the Whitsun weekend - I'll be home alone and so can make sure that I just have stuff off of my own list. They tend to occasionally cook me things I don't want and I tend to try and prepare my food myself so that I get enough but not too much.

Next week is a big for the business as our Financial Man will come on over and we will get a view from him about how near we are to being ready to go to Venture Capitalists for funding. We know there are a few areas that need tightening up and completing and we need to get some wok sorted for the next phase too. What's apparent is that those who have seen the work we have put in are mighty impressed. Let's hope, for our sake they are right and we have a real business here and that we aren't barking mad!

I need to get my concentration back as soon as possible so that I can focus on the business tasks and not get so easily distracted. Hopefully I can work out whatever is in my head this weekend and move on from there.

Let's Not Get Carried Away Shall We?

I took my first lot of FOCC this morning and it was OK. I have to say that I've felt my fingers and hands being a little warmer today as if the blood flow had improved and strangely enough my skin feels good too. I haven't felt like this since I gave up smoking - goodness knows how long ago and after two or three weeks the same sorts of sensations - better taste, skin was smooth to the touch. But hey, I could be reading too much into it and it could be a placebo effect or I'm looking for some sort of change.

I did my exercises tonight they were as difficult as usual - no change there but there was when I measured my Blood Pressure. Now when I'm a stone or two lighter than I am now - my blood pressure does come down a bit but tonight's results were a bit strange. So strange that I checked them twice more. I measured 115 over 80 which is amazing considering that I expect to be 130 to 140 over 90 to 95 after exercise.

So once again I could say that FOCC has helped but I'm going to have to go and make sure by continuing to check this out. My goodness if it were to get to around 110 over 80 that would be great - I'd be pleased with that. My GP sees me in a few weeks and it would be good to show improvements in BP.

I did a little read up and it does appear that FOCC, due to the oil, thins the blood so I guess that may be the answer. It recommends that Aspirin isn't taken at the same time (in one place) and guess what I take :-) Will have to see what the GP says in June.

For now though, this is encouraging but not convincing :-)

FOCC

My first go at Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese appears to have been a success. The recipe is easy to follow and the oil disappears into the cheese rather amazingly and the ground flax seeds certainly give it a flavour all of its own. The oil is slightly strange tasting on its own and not at all like the Linseed Oil that we condition Cricket Bats with or use in painting. It is much lighter. I keep that and the seeds in the fridge to give them a longer life span.

The mixture when complete, and I had to add a teaspoon of honey to flavour it a tiny bit sweeter, is much like cold porridge I guess. Anyway, it wasn't too bad and was unusual - I will wait and see what assistance it may provide me with in the future.

Right here goes

The stuff arrived today - Mrs. F. has turned her nose up at what I've got Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds sat in the fridge for. I've explained that it was the advice I got yet the seeds say cool and dry place - so I need to sort that out and check my source.

The cottage cheese is ready, the hand blender, mill and I got lots of different sorts of dried fruits to put in the FOCC mixture. Tomorrow morning I'll be giving that a go and making up a small quantity and see how I get on.

The hope is that by changing my diet I'll be giving myself a slightly better chance of keeping old Mr. Bladder Cancer away and also assisting me in my new diet and exercise campaign. A bit of creative use and I can make it part of everyday living.

I was wiped out today with a heavy work day and so I gave exercise a miss tonight and will go back to it tomorrow.

A week on

And I'm still kind of OK about things. I'm waiting for my stuff to come which includes a load of dietary food including the Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds. That will allow me to get onto my proposed new diet in the next couple of days. I'm already on that but last night Mrs. F. fed me up with a load of bits that she saw that I wasn't amused by. Sausages = lovely home made ones but even so - my face must have told a story :-) Anyway - I ate them and just said that I'd sort myself out for food as I'm happy to prepare it and stick to my diet.

Getting back to regular exercise has made me feel quite good and I was also pleased to see that my Blood Pressure is at a reasonable level after sessions. I am hoping that I will get back to it being habitual if at all possible. It is so easy to fall out of this habit.

I say I'm kind of OK because there is a part of me that is a little annoyed, a little disappointed and a little down about the recurrence (if that is what it is). I suppose that's to be expected really it isn't where I thought I'd be. It isn't in my plans and much as I was ready to take a bit of bad news - deep down inside you wish for something different.

I do believe that the truth is that this is all manageable and that I can move on from here. A bit of a knock, a bit of a wobble but I'll just have to live with it and move on. I don't want anything to distract me from building our business as well and I want to be there to move that forward. It's still just out of reach but later today we hope to move things on a fair way towards tying down some of the last bits of detail and then we can finalise the last actions. Typically I'll need to be in Hospital at a critical time but I'm sure that I can think of ways to work around that. I sure hope that they just do a few minor biopsies on me not do what they did to me last time causing me three days in Hospital and beating me up so badly that all the good work I had done in terms of weight, exercise and diet were set back.

Well that was interesting

I've started to cut right back on my food intake and don't feel too bad about that - a few pangs of hunger but some fruit sorted that out. I should be on the FOCC come Friday and I've gotten back to doing my exercises on the machine rather thank just walking.

I'm even going to try turning in a little earlier each night and see if that also gets me into these changes. Had a nice chat with a friend who phoned up to see how I was. Not absolutely certain I deserve the accolades about how cheerful I am and how I'm a good example and sort of "fight" this. It's interesting isn't it that from my point of view - I'm making the best of what I've got but I do have a PMA Positive Mental Attitude (most of the time - I falter a lot!). People see it as more than that and in a way if I give the assurance that Cancer isn't a death sentence then perhaps people who may have this later will remember the attitude and spirit.

That was quick

Dates for pre-assessment and operation are in:

8th June for pre-assessment and 20th June for the Operation.

Welcome back to the Roller Coaster.

However, I am planning to make some changes to my lifestyle once again this time I am going to follow a protocol that I was planning to last year. Steve Kelley sums it all up in this informative blog post HERE.

I intend to start this later this week when I get a new grinder and flax seeds and flax seed oil. I too am going to aim to have this for breakfast every day and I am also going to get back into regular exercise not the irregular exercise I have had these past 6 months. It is the end of the Masonic season and so I only have a few meals to go to in the next two months so I can stick to a diet and also ensure that I manage this over the summer period.

I can also get back to salads too.

The addition of FOCC into my diet will, I hope, in combination with a more stirct diet and exercise routine, ensure that I become fitter and give myself more chances to combat whatever else is coming down the line...

A good evening

It was nice to meet everyone yesterday and to be able to deliver a Eulogy for one of the past members of the Lodge. I hadn't realised that it was going to be quite so long but then again he had been at the heart of the Lodge and one of the "Fathers of the Lodge" so losing him was a final break with the earliest days of the foundation of the Lodge back in 1934.

Someone suggested that I send a copy to his widow and so I will sort that out today his funeral is on Friday not far from here. I will make sure I go to this one.

I find it quite interesting to spend more time reassuring people about my condition than I do thinking too much about it myself. It's inconvenient for me to many others it's a frightening thing as they don't understand what it is that they've found and I suppose people fear the worst. Of course it is treatable and it is a tiny area - nothing like the tumour they hooked out the first time.

For me it will be a bit of a worry in terms of what the grade is and whether or not I can get home the same day and what they will then need to do. I don't know how long they'll go at it before it becomes more pragmatic to do something radical - but that's off there in the future. I intend to take some of my own action about this - I'm just undecided on what that should take the form of at the moment. It also comes at a time when I need to be actively sorting things out and at a high intensity in terms of the business - which although we are running about 3 months or more late is nearing the point at which we can go out looking for investors.

Whoa

Got the prescription - I didn't get around to calling the GP again - however they want me to come in urgently for Blood Pressure test and a review - well that's better than an blood test. I'll make an appointment in that case and go and see them next week - hopefully they'll have an agreeable appointment time for me to go in. Mind you the main thing is that they keep to time - I've waited up to 40 minutes and by then my BP is going through the roof. Should be fun I suppose. I hope I don't get the straight talking GP - I don't like him much. I've never really forgiven him for suggesting that I'd have a general anaesthetic to then have a local procedure and then going to the wire before they gave me some Prosac = which I only needed for the first scope. I also wasn't greatly impressed, as I'd have to wait a few weeks, to be told that it probably was cancer. Yea, I hope I don't get to see him.

Ohhh you look fine....

That's because I am fine! Strange conversations - surreal stuff - I spend more time telling people I'm all right and not to worry about me than I do worrying about myself. It is so strange - those who don't know fear the worst - they don't get how - in my case - it is just a matter of getting into Hospital and being run through the production line and spat out the other end with another anomaly found, cut out and sent to the lab.

It's not exactly the way I suppose I should describe it but frankly the Hospitals treat you like a lump of meat that is processed and there's little recognition sometimes that you are a human being or have real feelings. They bung you on the conveyor - you have no control over what happens to you. It's impersonal and not a great experience - I suppose it isn't supposed to be.

I'm absolutely sure that half the people I spoke to tonight thought I was going to die - if not there and then on the spot then horribly in the next few weeks! People are funny :-)

Out Tonight and Tomorrow

At a few Lodge meetings which will be nice. I am off to a nice little meeting tonight and then we have my mother Lodge meeting tomorrow which I am looking forward to except for the heat in the room! It really needs to be air conditioned in this sort of weather. At least there will only be about 15 of us so that's OK - tomorrow might be a bit different as we around the 40 mark in the same room! I shall make sure that I'm well prepared for that.

As for me - well I'm surprisingly chip-per and quite upbeat I guess. I'm not looking forward to going and getting biopsies but there you go - it can't be helped and I suppose that the main thing is that they see what it is and decide what to do about it.

I'm doing some reading and research this weekend to see what I want to do in terms of life style changes. I don't really fancy doing too much but I feel I should make a further effort to move towards and even healthier lifestyle. It's just making sure that I don't do anything stupid along the way and have the wrong effect.

Phew

Well that was a day and a half - 07:30 in the morning I kicked off work and I finished about 09:30 in the evening! Two long meetings at the house (thank goodness) and suddenly the business is becoming a living being - at last.

As usual we draw great comfort from the work we have done so far and the approving noises that are made. We need to drill down one last time to one more layer of detail to hone in on the prices and we will be there.

I certainly feel that if I had to have done this up in London and then faced an 1 to 1.5 hour journey back it wouldn't have been as successful as it was.

Anyway - I'm still remarkably cheerful even though I've spent most of the day working :-)

Reasons to be Cheerful

1 2 3.

Well that old song says it all. I'm a cheerful chap normally and now is no exception really. I know people find it quite hard to get it when I've just been given what amounts to bad news and yet there you have the difference between someone who has gone through the mill and had 5 years worth of experience and someone looking in from the outside many of whom, of course, haven't had an experience with cancer or if they have probably know someone who died because of it.

A stoic battle, a brave and courageous fight, resolute to the end and all that stuff - which I am sorry - I don't mean to belittle at all. It is just that I remember my niece saying when she was quite small that she was frightened of going into hospital because people go there to die. Indeed her grandparents and others in her mother's side of the family had and so that was her only experience.

In a way my dealings with cancer are similar, my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to see him (his request) in the end. Many friends died some in a very short space of time through cancer and so it isn't surprising that those looking at me are feeling somewhat bemused by my good humour and stoical pragmatic approach. Unfortunately for many of them my jokes haven't got any better and so they don't quite get what it is about me being so upbeat for. Sometimes even if I tell them they give me a sideways look. I have lots of messages about "being strong" well I suppose I intend to. The post before sort of alludes to this because of the 5 years of this now. Amazingly it is 5 years this July and around about this time 5 years ago I started my dream job - one I thought would see me through to retirement easily. It was somewhat unfortunate that it didn't - I'd still loved to have been there but as curiosity and serendipity would have it I'm hoping to work with them providing their solution to the new business and one of the guys I used to work for may actually help us in a Joint Venture too so how bad is that?

I have to say the thought of an operation isn't great - I intend to see if I can get an "in and an out" on the same day if possible - I will ask for it - I do hate the experience and after the last time - where I had a terrible, terrible experience - I want to ensure that I never go through that particular experience ever again. I've told my Consultant what I thought about it and will make sure that everyone is aware this time too.

I already can feel a prickle on the back of my left hand where the cannula goes :-( That's the worst bit really - well unless they stick a catheter in which is probably on the same level of hatred. However, it's what needs to happen - I can't stop it, I can't make it go away and I have to go through with it so the die is cast and that's your lot basically. What else are you going to do?

So now - I think it's just got to be what it's got to be and lets get on with it and sort things out as soon as possible. Sure it's inconvenient and all that good stuff but at the end of the day - they'll patch me up, fix me up, dust me off and send me on my way and that will be that. I'll live to fight another day and lots of my friends didn't get that opportunity they didn't get the option. For their sakes as well as my own - I really shouldn't be down or in anyway negative about the situation I'm in. I still get to see my family and friends and that's a big, big positive.

If you don't know

You don't know - so many of my friends are really worried about me but they don't need to be. I've a fair way to go before they have to worry about me :-) If they find this little red spot is cancerous then they can treat it and I can have all sorts of things done. If those don't work then perhaps I'll have to lose the bladder. If that happens - I should still be able to live (and possibly beat my mates at drinking games too!). I'm in a happy place because I don't need to turn up at my doctors in 10 years time to find a huge lump that's metathesized into my body and will end up being really difficult to treat and may hasten my inevitable demise.

I spend quite a bit of time telling everyone that's things are going to be OK - because they will. It's the nature of the beast....

I've said it before that if you actually got to choose your cancer then Bladder Cancer isn't so bad because they keep their eye on you for the rest of your life - if they see anything they sort it out. That can't be bad at all can it?

Maybe my 5 years worth of this stuff is now paying off and I'm like those people I complained about 5 years ago who treated this like it was an everyday occurrence! I couldn't believe the matter of fact attitude then - now I "get it"

It's probably a good thing to be a little frightened about cancer - that's only natural. Those who've never had it find it difficult to understand why I'd be quite so upbeat about having to get this red spot biopsied.

Light of Day

I'm in a good place this morning. Things look fine, life's back to normal (well what we describe as normal in this house) and I'm happy that I've had a good night's sleep and that I can now rationalise where I am.

I'm now thinking about what response I need to make in relation to this news. By that I mean that my medical team are going to do an operation, take biopsies and come up with a plan what they want to do. Likewise, I need to come up with a plan about what I need to do. The trouble with Bladder Cancer is that it can recur and it can be treated but can I do anything, in myself, to stop it? I've changed my lifestyle - but have I changed it enough? Those are the questions I need to ask myself now.

My GP of a few years ago, sadly now no longer at the practice - I got on with him really well - suggested to me that I don't live like a Hermit. That lifestyle changes needed to be balanced. I had managed to flip into the most frugal diet when I should have been eating to repair myself. So I'm going to spend a little time mulling over what I am going to do to take charge of the situation myself.

It isn't as disappointing or upsetting as you may think it is - if you know this disease - you know this can happen but it isn't like when I was diagnosed when it had been growing inside me unknown about and was a major problem when the symptoms arrived. This is a small red patch that they can't identify from a scope - early doors - easy to do something about.

No, I'm OK about this. Other's are having difficulty with it - I do my best to reassure them more that I have to reassure myself.

Hiding the disappointment

I'm pretty disappointed but I'm not in a bad place at all. I'm kind of resigned to where I am but I've decided to think about why I've got a recurrence and what I should do about it.

In a way I'm a passenger but I wonder if I should get myself into a different regime once again. I will take a few days to figure things out - a good night's sleep will help and see if my head levels everything out and see what it all looks like in the morning.

Oh Dear

Mmm, well a possible recurrence - they found a small (tiny) red raised area. So I've now got to go in and get a rigid cystoscopy perhaps in a month or so. I'll just have to wait and see what it is and what they are going to do about it.

I'm a little disappointed of course but after all, this is what the check ups are meant to resolve.

So now to just relax a bit - I'm stinging a little as the doctor was poking around a little bit more than usual.

So the journey changes again and once they've worked out what it is (I think we all know what it is) then we'll know what to do about it.

Well here we are

Less than an hour away. I shaved and showered, check list is completed and my bag contains a light dressing gown, water, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, my Kindle (e-Reader) my MP3 player is plugged into earphones and in my ears keeping me breathing nicely. I have my sandals and I'm drinking coffee after a light breakfast and also a pint of water before I go - it's important to be hydrated so I had a few pints of water last night just so I'm ahead of the game today as I need to be passing water through to minimise the effects of the scope.

It's a 20 minute walk from here - but I will allow 30 minutes and take it easy. a 9:15 appointment probably means it is the first one so if I get there a few minutes early it may make things easier for them and for me.

I have enough things to read or listen to if I am delayed. I feel a little heightened and a little stressy - not surprising I suppose. It is a lovely day outside and I need to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am to be on the other side and being checked.

Not Long to go Now

Mmm,

I've been out tonight and had a couple of beers with the lads. It is the last night of Lodge of Instruction and the next one isn't until 26th September (I think). Our last Lodge meeting is Saturday and that's us done until November!

I'm pottering around at the moment, have sorted out some drink to take with me to Hospital. Will also drink a few pints of water before bed - I want to be well hydrated tomorrow so as to ensure that I can give a sample on arrival and also to make sure that I pee a lot during the day after the procedure. You need to do this to sort of get over the cystoscopy.

I'm feeling neutral at the moment, perhaps a little nervy but not as bad as I was earlier today.

I really hope for a good outcome and these days I'm not going for the negative vibes before going in. I used to do that because then I'd be ready for anything. But - who am I kidding doing that now? Sure - I will be devastated if it isn't good news but - I'll have to roll with that.

I have a lot of issues about having had cancer and that is the worry that perhaps I'll get some other form of it or this will come back and "get me". Anyway - I'll see how I get on tomorrow - I hope that I'll be fine and also hope that things will be OK again. I'm half committed to not doing any work tomorrow as a sort of reward - I'll see how I am on my return.

Not much better

I think it's OK to be on edge a bit before heading off for Judgement Day. I'm definitely distracted and my mind is wandering off a fair bit as I'm trying to work.

I've written my list of things to do ready for tomorrow. I've had another bizarre call with the GPs today. They don't know quite what the note on my prescription form was all about I need to call back tomorrow (no chance of that) or perhaps Wednesday to find out what they want! It couldn't have been mega urgent then - they thought it might be a call to come in and see the nurse or some such thing. Ho hum.

It's been another bad week - had another 2 deaths this week one an old member of the Lodge and one the wife of a deceased member. There just appears to be one after the other this month - I think it is 3 this month, 2 last month and well January was just awful!

Anyway - it looks as if I'll be fretful all the way up to the Peek and Poke tomorrow. Let's hope that works out OK and I can get my head back in gear!

Wobbly Moments

Well - it's 24 hours to Judgement Hour of Judgement Day and so it isn't surprising that some nerves will kick in. I've also to ring the GPs today and see what this strange note on my repeat prescription means. There is a note on my repeat which I got in March I suppose - that says Review Appointment to be made no later than the 22/1/2011. Even I can't make time stand on its head like that :-) Pretty impressive if they can.

We had a nice day out on Sunday at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells - a really pleasant lunchtime event and Flocky Bicep chose a really nice bottle of Red Wine which just hit the mark.

Today is one of those funny days - I can feel I am on edge and a little stressy - but not much - it's just bubbling underneath enough to notice and enough to be a little distracting.

Anyway - this time tomorrow I'll know what the results will be. I had a terrible night's sleep though - it took hours to drop off then I had the most awful dreams and feel a little exhausted this morning to add to the rest of it - I expect that it will be the same tonight.

I suppose everyone goes through this doubting, worrying phase just before. I know that it will "be what it will be" but even so, the fear and the little voice in the back of your head is of a recurrence....

Nice Day

We went over to see A's Gallery where she is an intern. She has been allowed to put her own work in the gallery and has 3 photographs. Flocky Bicep - bless him - also came along. It was opening day and it looked quite nice. Amy's photographs look really good in a gallery situation and her web site is coming along nicely. We had to laugh at her blog site as she hadn't used a spell checker which was quite funny.

Tomorrow we are off to a lunch at a rather nice Hotel - we hope it will be an improvement on last year's lunch.

So how does that work then?

I arranged by email for my appointment to be at 10:30 on the 24th May - I didn't want the 20th as I was due out the next day and was being a bit risk averse. So I got the letter yesterday for an appointment at 09:15 on the 17th May - next Tuesday! It doesn't worry me that much and at least it will be out of the way quicker this way. I dropped them a note acknowledging the change and letting them know about my sample - normally they want 2 weeks clear to sort that out!

So this time next week I'll know the results. Cool. I'm not as worried about things as I used to be but I guess that is because I don't need to be put out for an operation to take biopsies. I'm also, in a way quite glad that they pronounce their opinion there and then rather than having to wait weeks to find out what is going on like before, you tend to get told straight away what is happening and that means no waiting and worrying. I've also got to a stage now where - it will be what it will be - there's nothing I can do at the moment (other than the usual no smoking, diet and all that good stuff) I can do about it and if it is clear it will be great - if not - well - it will be disappointing but they can do something about it.

Head Freeze

Wow - I've been doing some figure work today and my head is about to stop working :-) Loads and loads of figures to do with the population in the UK distributed by postcode and then working out market opportunity by postcode and then knocking out commission tables and all sorts of other stats. That was this afternoon - in the morning I worked on centralising the statistics for the business into a "single version of the truth".

It's all happening like crazy at the moment which I suppose is good - I need to be in about three places at once but that's not such a bad thing :-)

Off for a beer with my old school chums tonight so looking forward to that.

A quieter week

Thank goodness for a quieter week this week. Sometimes you get weeks like the last one - there were only 4 working days and I felt as if I had been going for a fortnight, got that rotten cold but mercifully it all but disappeared on Saturday. I slept it off I think. Went to see A's exhibition which was OK but I get some modern art but some of the other things you see don't make any sense whatsoever. Mind you, I have a high regard for creative people - I am creative in a way but these guys get some amazing ideas - massive lateral thinking and then they execute on that.

Our designers are just great as they can take an idea and turn it into images and words that I'd not think about for ages.

My business partner is due over this morning and we can set our week up as we need to press on and make some serious progress.

I note I'm not concentrating much on the blog or much else these days but - that's just the way it has to be with so much going on. I did manage to get my cytology urine sample into the Hospital on Saturday rather than the due date tomorrow and so Judgement Day is 15 days away now.

Getting better

Thank goodness - I had a good night's sleep and then this morning felt a lot better. Did my Urine Cytology test and dropped that off to the Hospital, watched qualifying for F1 and then had a long sleep in the afternoon and that appears to have done me good apart from it's 00:45 and I really should be in bed!

I watched a few DVDs tonight - a couple of favourites, Fearless (Jet Li) and Memento. Both are really interesting films. Memento really screws with your head - just how I like my films.

I'm sneezing away still but at least the blocked nose is now gone.

I had a bit of a flash back to a chat I had with an old friend a few years back when we were reminiscing about how long we'd known each other and I'm guessing it was pretty soon after I was first diagnosed. I reckoned that all the grand ideas I had about changing the world were probably unfulfilled - I sort of felt like that back then - and she said that there was still time to make your mark and to change the world and that it was never too late. I recollect those words now because it's really interesting that someone mentioned to me that what we were doing was game changing, scene changing, something completely new. I hope that others too think that this is true and will come on the journey with us because if we do get it right, it will change the world but I'm aiming at making just one or two people's lives better first. It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness as the saying goes..

I hate having a cold

I really do - and I'm all blocked up and heady and now need my bed but am just so uncomfortable lying down with all this congestion. I read Jeanne's blog again tonight about her decision to stop taking treatment. That's pretty brave - she isn't commenting too much about it at the moment but to me, in a way, I can see the logic of it quite plainly. Having had a series of treatments I can only say that if I were to get them again, which is likely, I'd do it because I'm still fit and pretty healthy and whilst they shook me to my core and tested my mettle, I knew that they were highly likely to do the trick and sort me out. They did, it wasn't pleasant but if you know that it's working then you can tolerate it.

I imagine when you aren't feeling the benefit or the treatment is worse than having the disease itself you will think differently about such things. I'm certain that must be the case.

I'd better toddle off to bed and see how I am in the morning, I've already split my lip with the sneezing and made my nose bleed so goodness knows what I'll be like tomorrow. The Turkish Grand Prix is on so I will be happy to see that - we are expecting a small heatwave but also with that major storms in isolated areas so the weekend looks like it could be fun.

The country has voted to keep the status quo and the old voting system - the same one as returned Bush to the US even though he had less of the overall vote. We could have changed that but somehow the willingness wasn't there. Badly marketed if you ask me - but you didn't :-)

Business seemed to get a real kick in the pants this week - I hope to be up for doing some work this weekend to record all the things I managed to do this week.

Make of it what you will

A post from Jeanne HERE starts my morning off thinking about what it takes to make this sort of decision. I have no problem with the decision made. I've heard about it and thought about it but wondered how I'd make that decision.

You can understand it if you were always having treatment and always having stuff stuck into you and forever in and out of hospital and always having some sort of trouble. After a while there has to be a point when you want to stop the world spinning as you want to get off.

As I said, it isn't a matter of debate, it's a matter of fact and a brave thing to do but also, you can see a point where you come to that decision. I imagine as you arrive there is a double edged sword, you feel suddenly at peace and at the same time it allows a level of closure, composure and order to be brought into what is left of your life.

Is it a cold?

I feel like poo - have felt bad since late last night and couldn't work out what it is - I bet someone gave me this cold on the train or tube! Bugger it, I'm sneezing away and have a sore throat and had to carry much of that through the meeting today! It was a pleasant affair but where did the rain come from? We were meant to have another sunny day and when I got to London it was tipping it down!

It is A's Exhibition - starting tomorrow and she has also just launched her web site which looks quite good so far. She is beginning to put some of her work on there as an online portfolio. She has her Exhibition work up there already. I can see that she will be busy building her brand and making it a good portfolio site. Her exhibition runs for the next three days so we plan to go along on Sunday to see it and lend our support. She tells me that she should be OK to pass to year 3 of her course as she hasn't had any bad news about this project and exhibition so that probably means that things are on course to be good for her.

L goes off tomorrow to Cambridge to see a Uni there and have a look around. Bless her, she cannot get into teaching, they have thousands of candidates for very few places but it appears that her favourites subject being maths there are courses that can combine her business and maths. Whilst she is up there she will be seeing her boyfriend too - interesting!

I can get back to doing some work tomorrow - I seem to have been out every day this week but not to have achieved a great deal!

May the Force

Be with you or as it is May the 4th, May the 4th be with you.......

OK a cheap shot but you deserve it :-)

So Awareness day - great here it is http://www.bcan.org/take-action/awareness/ and great it is a US thing. Well actually - as I told them years ago - Bladder Cancer doesn't just thwack US citizens - it's world wide! Yep, it is!

So just maybe one day we'll work out that the bigger picture is the one to look at.

I still like the Tee-Shirt "F**k Advocacy - find a cure!!!"

Anyway - every little helps I suppose.

Judgement Day is now

24th May at 10:30 which is good - gets it out of the way - I was going to go for the 20th but I have a meeting the next day and wanted to make sure I could go just in case something happened.

They are pretty good at getting back to me and giving me flexibility of dates. Will have to see how it goes this time and let's hope that it is a clear and lets me move to a six month routine...

Glad it is sorted though - I should have had it done by now.

So - What a Day

What a long old day that was - home at 09:30 pm thanks to Mrs. F. who came and picked me up.

Missed out on lunch so ended up grabbing a burger at the Hotel - which was pricey but I needed something. I walked from Charing Cross to Holborn and then from Holborn to Baker Street and did a little circuit around Marylebone where I used to work. Then we had a good couple of hours meeting and I wound my way home - very good meeting and another early tomorrow. This week is going to be full on in terms of work and play being out again all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.

I'm feeling OK about that and I also need to get back to working on my weight again which with this sedentary lifestyle has started to come on again. Not sure how far I walked today but I'd guess around 5 miles including the walk to the station at this end. It was a lovely day though and walking through London and around some of the back streets of the the West End is a very pleasant way to spend the day.

I've just dropped a reminder off to the Hospital to see when they want to see me for a peek and a poke. It's strange - I don't look forward to it but at the same time - getting the reassurance or not as the case maybe is also important as I tend to think any ailment I have these days is potentially cancer. That's a bit of the territory I guess.

I'm feeling charged though right now - really exciting times, people are talking to us now about what we are doing and we are getting some impetus and some traction. We have a team being built which is good and we need to move things on a bit in the next few weeks. I feel a blitz like state coming on for a month or two to get us shifting along.

Emotions

I have often mentioned that the one highly notable result of having had cancer is this propensity to have highly emotional reactions to a number of situations. I find myself keeping in check a lot. For an example, I've cited the Bambi moment before as bringing me close to breaking down and stupid things seem to do this to me but here are two moments, quite far apart where I had to try hard to control myself.

The film "The Passion of the Christ" I watched for the first time last week - it was the most devastating portrayal of the Passion I have ever seen and stirred huge emotions. If you've seen it, then you probably felt the same? The scourging was absolutely awful and for once - and I don't know how he did it, it felt like you were not watching but you were sharing the pain. It was late a night I was on my own, I was moved and I was in bits. Films do this to me if I am into them and I think it was very much the shock of this film. However, I can be like this with Amelie, Schindler's List and many other films. So what you may say?

Then there's stuff like the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch it as I found myself moved by that too. It wasn't just the ceremony it was the people who were out in force and it was because they were engaged in something special, it was a moving time for them and special.

And here's the problem - it's about the experience, the moment and the enjoyment, its about the tragedy and the moment, and the time and the humanity of it and its about something I no longer have but have great empathy with. I came so close to losing it all that seeing others less fortunate than myself or losing upsets me, seeing a recurrence is also a set back, seeing people enjoy themselves and enjoy a moment, share an experience is also important as what is survival all about if not that.

Then there's the potential that surviving isn't all about what you thought it might be but life being precious is.

I'll stop there - I need to as it isn't making logic or sense but then, I've found out that this the way of it, it's the way it is and I have to live with it for now.