I bought some stuff for the staff from Harrods - chocolates, biscuits etc. It was because I wasn't going to be with them and a little thank you for everyone's hard work and friendship.
They arrived this morning which was a bit embarrassing - I had expected them to arrive sometime this week and as I wasn't going to be here....
It certainly was a surprise for them to see me but there you go. We are working out a plan that means I can work at home and come in on the odd day over the next two weeks or so.
I hadn't got a contingency plan for this at all! I should know better being a Project Manager for goodness sake! Mind you, life is a bit too short to plan for everything.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
A little surprise for my work mates
I'll go in to work tomorrow which will be an interesting meeting with everyone. It is the day of the big United Grand Lodge meeting and so the place will be full of visitors. It is also the President's drinks party in the afternoon and so I may as well enjoy a drink with the staff - I wasn't going to be there of course and gave my apologies.
I will keep my ID bracelet on for a laugh. What a crazy thing, I have to now go and negotiate time off and sort out all of the things I was planning to do because I would have been sat at home at my office and spent the time doing it.
I will need to work out quite how I can fit everything in and spend the right amount of time on each. It's just one problem after another :-)
I will keep my ID bracelet on for a laugh. What a crazy thing, I have to now go and negotiate time off and sort out all of the things I was planning to do because I would have been sat at home at my office and spent the time doing it.
I will need to work out quite how I can fit everything in and spend the right amount of time on each. It's just one problem after another :-)
FUBB
So how come I am blogging when I am meant to be in Hospital recovering? No beds. All of us were sent home at 3 pm which was a real bummer. It has completely trashed my week and December for me. They have no idea when I will be asked to go back in, it could be anytime!!
I'm pretty upset as I wont know now for some time whether I'm clear or not, perhaps for some time to come, like January or February.
All the plans I had as well, to spend the down time doing useful stuff is now in deep trouble. I was fully expecting to spend next week doing this 75th History for my Lodge. That is obviously going to have to be reconsidered. On a better note - it does mean that going out on Saturday is going to be back on and perhaps the gig on Friday if there is a spare ticket. There are other things too, like my assignments and catching up on my Open University stuff - I can go to the tutorial on Thursday too now.
So - the Hospital is full of sick people :-) I did feel sorry for the chap opposite me who was to have his tumours cut out but he was reassured that they were low grade and he would be back very soon to have those sorted out.
After all the psyching up and worry and adrenaline expended, it was all for nothing. I walked home and had some soup and a sandwich and I am just settling back down and calming down - if I let it get to me I'd be very upset almost tearful it is just very annoying and just think of the costs of all those theatre staff and all the preparation work that was lost today. In trying to save money you can see how the NHS losses it when something like this happens.
What does Captain Jack Sparrow say at a time like this? "Oh Bugger!" :-) How very British!!
I'm pretty upset as I wont know now for some time whether I'm clear or not, perhaps for some time to come, like January or February.
All the plans I had as well, to spend the down time doing useful stuff is now in deep trouble. I was fully expecting to spend next week doing this 75th History for my Lodge. That is obviously going to have to be reconsidered. On a better note - it does mean that going out on Saturday is going to be back on and perhaps the gig on Friday if there is a spare ticket. There are other things too, like my assignments and catching up on my Open University stuff - I can go to the tutorial on Thursday too now.
So - the Hospital is full of sick people :-) I did feel sorry for the chap opposite me who was to have his tumours cut out but he was reassured that they were low grade and he would be back very soon to have those sorted out.
After all the psyching up and worry and adrenaline expended, it was all for nothing. I walked home and had some soup and a sandwich and I am just settling back down and calming down - if I let it get to me I'd be very upset almost tearful it is just very annoying and just think of the costs of all those theatre staff and all the preparation work that was lost today. In trying to save money you can see how the NHS losses it when something like this happens.
What does Captain Jack Sparrow say at a time like this? "Oh Bugger!" :-) How very British!!
And off we go
Well not we, me. I used to have to go in accompanied but no longer. I don't mind taking myself in and I am OK as I just go into my shell and sit quietly listening to my music. Some people just chat and rattle on and I cannot stand the TV pumping out daytime TV (whoever thought up that needs shooting). So I sit just outside and am quite happy to sit on my own until I am called.
Right - must be off then, adieu.
Right - must be off then, adieu.
Awake
That was a good few hours sleep, broken only by a numpty phoning me for something he already knew about!
So now showered and dressed and have an hour and a half to potter about the place and get myself ready, my bag packed, attend to last minute e-mails and then I can check batteries, run through my check list and take myself off to the Hospital.
I'm feeling calm and in control now, it is often the way. You just have to accept that this is it what it is going to be and make the best of it and whilst the worry precedes it, this time tomorrow it will all be over and in fact in less than 8 hours it will be over so it is just like a day at work - the one that seems to drag forever. Waiting at the Hospital can be a real pain as time just drags away. You are almost relieved when the blue coats come and get wheel you down to the Theatre.
So, apart from a slight stirring of my stomach (not sure that is nerves or the porridge earlier!) I'm sort of OK about it now.
So now showered and dressed and have an hour and a half to potter about the place and get myself ready, my bag packed, attend to last minute e-mails and then I can check batteries, run through my check list and take myself off to the Hospital.
I'm feeling calm and in control now, it is often the way. You just have to accept that this is it what it is going to be and make the best of it and whilst the worry precedes it, this time tomorrow it will all be over and in fact in less than 8 hours it will be over so it is just like a day at work - the one that seems to drag forever. Waiting at the Hospital can be a real pain as time just drags away. You are almost relieved when the blue coats come and get wheel you down to the Theatre.
So, apart from a slight stirring of my stomach (not sure that is nerves or the porridge earlier!) I'm sort of OK about it now.
That's Breakfast Sorted
That was it - a bowl of porridge and a cup of coffee - and my pills. Going back to bed to lie down for a while and let the chaos that is the morning with 2 teenagers and Mrs F all trying to get ready on time unfold outside and around me :-)
Once they are out of the way I can have the house to myself and then get ready. More later.
Once they are out of the way I can have the house to myself and then get ready. More later.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Here we are again
Preparing for the morning, the early breakfast, the walk into the Hospital (I can walk there in about 20 minutes I suppose) and the other stuff. Waiting, preparing, wheeling, coming around, p*ssing razor blades :-)
I suppose I shouldn't have had a little shot of scotch with my coffee but hey, why not? It all helps to settle me down for the night. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and I'll have my music and breathing and self hypnosis to get me through the waiting.
The back of my hand is throbbing already - I wonder if they'll get the damn thing (cannula) out earlier this time? I wonder if they'll keep me in over night and at the end of the day, well, I suppose what will be will be.
It isn't any use worrying about these things but it does play on your mind. You know what is going to happen and you're back on the Roller Coaster my friend. You don't get off until they say you can. There is nothing worse than being out of control when you are a controller yourself!
I suppose I shouldn't have had a little shot of scotch with my coffee but hey, why not? It all helps to settle me down for the night. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and I'll have my music and breathing and self hypnosis to get me through the waiting.
The back of my hand is throbbing already - I wonder if they'll get the damn thing (cannula) out earlier this time? I wonder if they'll keep me in over night and at the end of the day, well, I suppose what will be will be.
It isn't any use worrying about these things but it does play on your mind. You know what is going to happen and you're back on the Roller Coaster my friend. You don't get off until they say you can. There is nothing worse than being out of control when you are a controller yourself!
Home from work early
I was sooo bored - I finished my work early on, got the check list finished and posted all my internal Christmas Cards. I decided enough was enough and the best course of action was to come home so did an hour early and I'm quite pleased I did. Had a chat and SMS message and a nice comment on previous blog entry and I'm sort of going to keep busy here so as to take my mind off tomorrow as much as I possibly can.
I think a number of people were startled that I wasn't going to come back to work before the New Year but hey, maybe if I feel good I will go back if I can face the long walks either end of the station. That really is the test of how it will be. There are some staff parties, not least of which on Wednesday which would have been great to attend but needs must and this is far more important to me than missing a party. There is another couple in a week and a half time. Maybe those ones?
We will see how I get on. It was sad to say goodbye to some of my colleagues - I don't think they knew I was going but I didn't broadcast it. Some people know. At least they'll get their cards soon and I have laid on a nice surprise from Harrods for them a little later in the week as a thank you for being great people to work with. I'd liked to have spent some time celebrating with them but again, that can wait. Who knows I might have some really good news to celebrate and wouldn't that be fun if I did. We could start 2009 off on a positive note. I really hope so.
I think a number of people were startled that I wasn't going to come back to work before the New Year but hey, maybe if I feel good I will go back if I can face the long walks either end of the station. That really is the test of how it will be. There are some staff parties, not least of which on Wednesday which would have been great to attend but needs must and this is far more important to me than missing a party. There is another couple in a week and a half time. Maybe those ones?
We will see how I get on. It was sad to say goodbye to some of my colleagues - I don't think they knew I was going but I didn't broadcast it. Some people know. At least they'll get their cards soon and I have laid on a nice surprise from Harrods for them a little later in the week as a thank you for being great people to work with. I'd liked to have spent some time celebrating with them but again, that can wait. Who knows I might have some really good news to celebrate and wouldn't that be fun if I did. We could start 2009 off on a positive note. I really hope so.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Dreams and schemes and things to do
I haven't mentioned the dreams for a while. They are still around and still as real as ever. It can be a bit difficult to distinguish what on earth is going on with these as they are very realistic and generally quite plausible. The bizarre thing is that I'm placed in a different setting most of the time but with people I know well.
As Tuesday approaches so I grow more anxious, I can feel it growing and it is controllable but I know I will be a bit less my normal self tomorrow. It is a dread feeling and who amongst us looks forward to actually going into Hospital? I can control much of the feelings and the fear and in many ways I can convince myself to go through with it and with the little self hypnosis stuff I have done before it will be OK. Of course there is still the nagging doubt at the back of your mind, a general anaesthetic, even if it is for a short while.
There are still things to do and I hope to have worked out how I am going to do them considering I wont be leaping about much or be driving the car for a week or a bit more. I have to complete sending out my cards and newsletters and to do a few mass e-mailings. This time of year is always so busy and I normally have a bit of time on my side but this year - it is all slipping away :-) I'm sure it will all get done somehow. If it doesn't - well tough I suppose. No one is going to die!
I'll just have to see how I feel after I come out I suppose. Oh well no use worrying too much about it for the moment, just get on and get ready I suppose. More later I'm sure...
Sword of Damocles or something else
This next stage is all a bit strange. If it is clear and you are being checked it is because unlike actually having the cancer cut out you have cured it and it has gone away. They check you with decreasing frequency as long as you are doing alright.
What it means is that this is with you all the time then. You are effectively clear and the cancer hasn't returned and the longer you are clear the less likely it is to recur. So the odds diminish but the thought of having to go through this lot again is a sobering thought.
We were out on Friday and they have, most unusually a Cigar bar - up on the roof of the restaurant, it has heaters, blankets and all sorts and I was really tempted to have a cigar but did very well I thought not to even have a puff. It is a powerful deterrent to remember that there was every possibility that smoking in the past may have contributed to my bladder cancer in the first place.
I am hoping that all is clear as it means turning over a new page, yet again, in this ongoing treatment and recovery process. Perhaps I can turn back to some long term goals and to shake off some of the baggage that goes along with it. Life has been put on to pause for 2 1/2 years so far and things really need to move along a bit. I wonder whether the worry of recurrence can be overcome. I suppose with time it can but I have a feeling that there will always be a nagging voice in the back of my head. At the moment any little ailment is cancer! That is just the way your head works.
What it means is that this is with you all the time then. You are effectively clear and the cancer hasn't returned and the longer you are clear the less likely it is to recur. So the odds diminish but the thought of having to go through this lot again is a sobering thought.
We were out on Friday and they have, most unusually a Cigar bar - up on the roof of the restaurant, it has heaters, blankets and all sorts and I was really tempted to have a cigar but did very well I thought not to even have a puff. It is a powerful deterrent to remember that there was every possibility that smoking in the past may have contributed to my bladder cancer in the first place.
I am hoping that all is clear as it means turning over a new page, yet again, in this ongoing treatment and recovery process. Perhaps I can turn back to some long term goals and to shake off some of the baggage that goes along with it. Life has been put on to pause for 2 1/2 years so far and things really need to move along a bit. I wonder whether the worry of recurrence can be overcome. I suppose with time it can but I have a feeling that there will always be a nagging voice in the back of my head. At the moment any little ailment is cancer! That is just the way your head works.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
MP3 player locked and loaded
I've loaded up my tunes for the Hospital and they are ready to go. I put some of the original ones I had as CDs on here. By that I mean the ones I took in with me the very first time I went into Hospital.
I need to remind myself that things were a lot grimmer then than they are now and to get some balance into my way of looking at this. There are some other new ones on there too. I normally end up playing the whole lot in two sittings before and after the Op and at 1Gb of tunes - about 3 or 400 that takes some doing.
I need to remind myself that things were a lot grimmer then than they are now and to get some balance into my way of looking at this. There are some other new ones on there too. I normally end up playing the whole lot in two sittings before and after the Op and at 1Gb of tunes - about 3 or 400 that takes some doing.
Need a laugh - this cheers me up EVERY time!
NOTE - This contains some "Adult Content" ie swearing so be warned...
Friday, December 05, 2008
Blimey
What a day - fantastic meal - toss pot of a waiter - "we are too busy to do this and so booked we can't do that". Bloody idiot - exactly who is the customer and pays your wages?
Don't start me on that. Had a great day - friend with arm break was there but nasty two place break - yuk. We had a lovely meal which could have been better had the head up arse waiter hadn't been quite so anally retentive. I almost asked him during the quiet periods ahead where he felt the custom might come from. The food was great, the company was brilliant and then I got the train which, half way home announced a body on the line which held us for a while, reversed us back up the track almost back to where we had come from and then after 30 minutes messing around to go the other way reported that said "body" had been removed and we recommenced our journey home wards. The strange thing is that the trains from this particular London terminus always seem to be filled with the loonies and left overs. Tonight was no exception. At least I got home in one piece.
Don't start me on that. Had a great day - friend with arm break was there but nasty two place break - yuk. We had a lovely meal which could have been better had the head up arse waiter hadn't been quite so anally retentive. I almost asked him during the quiet periods ahead where he felt the custom might come from. The food was great, the company was brilliant and then I got the train which, half way home announced a body on the line which held us for a while, reversed us back up the track almost back to where we had come from and then after 30 minutes messing around to go the other way reported that said "body" had been removed and we recommenced our journey home wards. The strange thing is that the trains from this particular London terminus always seem to be filled with the loonies and left overs. Tonight was no exception. At least I got home in one piece.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tetchy and belligerent
I must be getting a little bit nervous and up tight about next week as I am being a bit bloody minded with people at the moment and then realising a little later that I have been terse or grumpy.
I don't mean to do it but I can definitely feel this sharpness with people and my language was a bit more "colourful" that it has been of late.
I must calm down a bit more. I suppose I can blame it on what is to come but I should be able to control my emotions a bit better.
I don't mean to do it but I can definitely feel this sharpness with people and my language was a bit more "colourful" that it has been of late.
I must calm down a bit more. I suppose I can blame it on what is to come but I should be able to control my emotions a bit better.
Bit of a shock to
Turn up tonight to a meeting and find my friend had fallen over and broken his arm...
So he wasn't there which was a bit difficult as he was going to drive me home :-)
Luckily another kind soul offered to get me home. Somehow I was missed off of the list when he sent out the news and so I was the only person who didn't know.
I am meant to be having Christmas Lunch with him tomorrow and I have no idea if he will make it as he will only have one arm to eat it with!!!
Oh well, I'd better go suited and booted anyway...
So he wasn't there which was a bit difficult as he was going to drive me home :-)
Luckily another kind soul offered to get me home. Somehow I was missed off of the list when he sent out the news and so I was the only person who didn't know.
I am meant to be having Christmas Lunch with him tomorrow and I have no idea if he will make it as he will only have one arm to eat it with!!!
Oh well, I'd better go suited and booted anyway...
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Still doesn't make that much sense
So a night sleeping on it and it still didn't make it any clearer!
It is funny how these things come up in conversation though and how you get a good lecturing from someone and take it in, analyse it and throw away the parts that aren't relevant. Everyone's an expert on my situation apparently.
I got a phone call saying that my friend wasn't going to the Jazz night tonight which is good - it is bitterly cold and a walk back to the station tonight might have sapped my enthusiasm. At least I'll get one night off this week!
The days are getting eaten up fast. i spent today doing corporate Christmas Cards and labelling up envelopes (yippee). 2 1/2 days left to go work wise.
Spoke to my friend who had his Prostate bored out - he did a silly yesterday and has ended up lying down again. That's the trouble - you can't see the scars and you feel fine but just try and do anything like lift something or stretch and your back to square one.
It is funny how these things come up in conversation though and how you get a good lecturing from someone and take it in, analyse it and throw away the parts that aren't relevant. Everyone's an expert on my situation apparently.
I got a phone call saying that my friend wasn't going to the Jazz night tonight which is good - it is bitterly cold and a walk back to the station tonight might have sapped my enthusiasm. At least I'll get one night off this week!
The days are getting eaten up fast. i spent today doing corporate Christmas Cards and labelling up envelopes (yippee). 2 1/2 days left to go work wise.
Spoke to my friend who had his Prostate bored out - he did a silly yesterday and has ended up lying down again. That's the trouble - you can't see the scars and you feel fine but just try and do anything like lift something or stretch and your back to square one.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Excess
I notice that my tendency to go from quiet contemplation to excess is a trait I had not expected as an outcome of the treatment. From this I mean being a hermit one minute to being the "life and soul of the party" the next. As an INTJ that is a pretty normal state of affairs in some circumstances and to "self destruct" at work is a common problem I have had to deal with over my whole career. Generally, I self destruct somewhat in advance of the destruction that arrives some time afterwards.
Tonight I was reminded that I should only be "self destructing" at work and not at home. I think I understood what that "warning" actually meant although I am not entirely convinced I know what to do to stop that level of destruction happening. I talked of collateral damage some time ago now and it occurs to me that the conversation I had this evening alerted my friend to mention that there had been a parting of ways, minds and wills and that I ought to do something about it.
I curse being an INTJ for one reason, and for one reason only. That is that I don't see this sort thing coming at all. If there is no logic to things then, like good old Mr. Spock, I don't get it!
Apparently I need to be working harder at keeping the family unit cohesive. As if I haven't got enough on my plate :-)
Reminds me of the time I went to the bar to order some drinks. There were a good ten or more drinks on the bar and the barmaid asked if I wanted a tray. As usual, being me I said "Don't you think I have enough to carry without a tray?"
Sometimes, i don;t get it. After all, I am the one who has been ill and to also find that I should also be the one to be holding it all together at the same time is a bit strange :-)
You do a hell of a lot when you have cancer and some of it is actually telling people who are worried about you how they should behave.
Oh well - I will sleep on this bit of advice and see if it makes any more sense in the morning. Frankly, it makes bugger all sense at the moment.
Tonight I was reminded that I should only be "self destructing" at work and not at home. I think I understood what that "warning" actually meant although I am not entirely convinced I know what to do to stop that level of destruction happening. I talked of collateral damage some time ago now and it occurs to me that the conversation I had this evening alerted my friend to mention that there had been a parting of ways, minds and wills and that I ought to do something about it.
I curse being an INTJ for one reason, and for one reason only. That is that I don't see this sort thing coming at all. If there is no logic to things then, like good old Mr. Spock, I don't get it!
Apparently I need to be working harder at keeping the family unit cohesive. As if I haven't got enough on my plate :-)
Reminds me of the time I went to the bar to order some drinks. There were a good ten or more drinks on the bar and the barmaid asked if I wanted a tray. As usual, being me I said "Don't you think I have enough to carry without a tray?"
Sometimes, i don;t get it. After all, I am the one who has been ill and to also find that I should also be the one to be holding it all together at the same time is a bit strange :-)
You do a hell of a lot when you have cancer and some of it is actually telling people who are worried about you how they should behave.
Oh well - I will sleep on this bit of advice and see if it makes any more sense in the morning. Frankly, it makes bugger all sense at the moment.
Doctors - A Funny Breed
The nurse is always great and we now know each other and she is very good to me. I had all my tests ECG, MRSA, did all the liquid tests and had my blood taken. The sample was OK and that was good news. They do a check on your urine then and there but not the other one which goes of for micro analysis. I am told this one is part of the BC screening they are now able to do and it is, I imagine, a trial.
Anyway, I don't like having my blood taken and she was very good and it was all over and done with pretty fast so that was OK.
I have no idea why the Doctor should worry me but they approach you and check you out as if you have the plague. I kind of forget that they have to ask a lot of questions but it is amazing to me that they ask the same questions every time. Surely if they looked back at the last set of answers (only 6 months ago) they would find the answers and just need to ask if anything has changed.
I've been given loads of stuff for the next time I come in - I did say that I sincerely hoped that if they found nothing I wouldn't need to be in again.
Anyway, I have calmed down a bit now. This time next week I'll actually be in and possibly being "done".
That's one hurdle behind me one more next week and then lets see how it goes.
Anyway, I don't like having my blood taken and she was very good and it was all over and done with pretty fast so that was OK.
I have no idea why the Doctor should worry me but they approach you and check you out as if you have the plague. I kind of forget that they have to ask a lot of questions but it is amazing to me that they ask the same questions every time. Surely if they looked back at the last set of answers (only 6 months ago) they would find the answers and just need to ask if anything has changed.
I've been given loads of stuff for the next time I come in - I did say that I sincerely hoped that if they found nothing I wouldn't need to be in again.
Anyway, I have calmed down a bit now. This time next week I'll actually be in and possibly being "done".
That's one hurdle behind me one more next week and then lets see how it goes.
Up and about early
By now I'd normally though be having a coffee, swallowing my pills and generally getting ready to go to work.
As it is I am just about to go downstairs and have a coffee now, plus plenty of fluid so I can pee before I go and when I get there.
I don't look forward to this but at least it is a 9 am appointment and so I won't be hanging around. I can't believe that my arm and back of my hand ache - what is all that about? It really is the most bizarre thing. It is as if the body is getting ready for the needles.
I'm not feeling as anxious as I normally do which is good, I don't feel that bad at all. BP is 126 over 87 which is OK I suppose considering it will tend to be higher on a day like today.
Let's see how things transpire.
As it is I am just about to go downstairs and have a coffee now, plus plenty of fluid so I can pee before I go and when I get there.
I don't look forward to this but at least it is a 9 am appointment and so I won't be hanging around. I can't believe that my arm and back of my hand ache - what is all that about? It really is the most bizarre thing. It is as if the body is getting ready for the needles.
I'm not feeling as anxious as I normally do which is good, I don't feel that bad at all. BP is 126 over 87 which is OK I suppose considering it will tend to be higher on a day like today.
Let's see how things transpire.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Pre-Assessment
Well - the day is fast approaching and the assessment beckons. It isn't that bad I suppose but I have to get wired up, have blood taken, Blood Pressure - always a laugh and different urine samples one when there and one I take in. Sure make a change taking the p*ss out of myself I suppose :-)
This is just a precursor to the main deal a week later. I decided not to go our tonight for a few beers, tempting as that was. Mind you I am out every night this week I just discovered. Out with my friend V and M tomorrow evening, Jazz on Wednesday, Thursday committee but always a beer there and I may see my work colleagues. Also out Wednesday lunchtime and Friday I have been invited to a rather special looking place in Belgravia for Lunch - WOW!
I'll be looking forward to going into hospital for a detox....
This is just a precursor to the main deal a week later. I decided not to go our tonight for a few beers, tempting as that was. Mind you I am out every night this week I just discovered. Out with my friend V and M tomorrow evening, Jazz on Wednesday, Thursday committee but always a beer there and I may see my work colleagues. Also out Wednesday lunchtime and Friday I have been invited to a rather special looking place in Belgravia for Lunch - WOW!
I'll be looking forward to going into hospital for a detox....
Tension building
Here we go the countdown to Tuesday's assessment and then a week to go after that to the appointment and the tension mounts. I'm doing so many things at once that it should be distracting me but it isn't really. The problem still is that I have so much to do and it is being squeezed into a very small amount of time indeed. I've managed to catch up on my Uni work and to have finished my Christmas Newsletters. As so much can be done electronically I intend this year to do more of that and less of physical sending of cards. It is a nightmare and so those who have e-mail addresses will get newsletters that way.
It is late again and I must get off to bed - I don't want a third consecutive Monday off of work!
It is late again and I must get off to bed - I don't want a third consecutive Monday off of work!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
No one likes
being in Hospital do they? I find it all very stressful and it isn't just on the day it is the leading up to it. It is all coming sharply into focus now and I can feel the fear and the smell of the place and I'm beginning to build myself up for it.
Pre-assessment isn't too bad - at least I know what to expect and I know the ladies in the department. I have my BP under control and I am under control. The Hypnotherapy sessions were really useful in this respect to re-programme my mindset but of course it doesn't take away all of it but helps as I can happily take myself into and out of the Hospital on my own now.
I'm still convincing myself that this is the last time for this particular heavy duty operation. I might well end up having flexible cystoscopies which aren't particularly pleasant but perhaps a little less of an impact than these. I suppose I need to balance this all with the fact that I don't have cancer anymore and I don't have to have the regular insertion of tubes for BCG or any other such thing. It sounds like I'm not satisfied but it is still all rather unnatural isn't it :-)
Pre-assessment isn't too bad - at least I know what to expect and I know the ladies in the department. I have my BP under control and I am under control. The Hypnotherapy sessions were really useful in this respect to re-programme my mindset but of course it doesn't take away all of it but helps as I can happily take myself into and out of the Hospital on my own now.
I'm still convincing myself that this is the last time for this particular heavy duty operation. I might well end up having flexible cystoscopies which aren't particularly pleasant but perhaps a little less of an impact than these. I suppose I need to balance this all with the fact that I don't have cancer anymore and I don't have to have the regular insertion of tubes for BCG or any other such thing. It sounds like I'm not satisfied but it is still all rather unnatural isn't it :-)
Not quite as planned
I had a long lie in this morning - in fact everyone did and this afternoon - full of good intentions I went to study my section for OU and promptly fell asleep in my chair! I had better get to it tomorrow and try not to do that again. Of course it is now 00:30 in the morning - I am wide awake and so heaven knows what tomorrow and Monday are going to be like. It always seems to be Mondays that I am whacked out and can't get up.
Strange stuff.
Strange stuff.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
First Result from Uni Course
Wow - I'm pleased with the first results back from my assignment. Unfortunately the marking system has gone AWOL and so I don't know the actual score but the comments are good and there are just a few areas that could have been worked on so I am pleased with that.
I need to spend some time on that this weekend to catch up this weeks subject. A mixture of Madonna and Callas - all about the "Diva" quite interesting in terms of subject matter but also quite challenging - just try and think to yourself how on earth could you compare these diametrically opposed singers and then arrive at the conclusion that they are both Divas?
No wonder my brain spins :-) No bad thing I suppose.
Well I'd better go and do that along with a whole haggage of things I have in my in tray.
I need to spend some time on that this weekend to catch up this weeks subject. A mixture of Madonna and Callas - all about the "Diva" quite interesting in terms of subject matter but also quite challenging - just try and think to yourself how on earth could you compare these diametrically opposed singers and then arrive at the conclusion that they are both Divas?
No wonder my brain spins :-) No bad thing I suppose.
Well I'd better go and do that along with a whole haggage of things I have in my in tray.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Enjoyable Evening
I was out at the Old People's home for our Lodge meeting. I am on the committee of friends and in this Lodge that goes around and visits the many homes around the country.
I was sat next to an older gentleman who was having - somewhat similar problems in the same locality. I was surprised how much I knew about the subject. A couple of the other guys local to me were squirming when the subject of a TURBT came up. He said it not me :-)
Anyway, I had a really good evening and was home by 9 pm which is good. I haven't been to the Lodge for many years but I got an office this year and will certainly be going and travelling around now. I missed a lot because I was ill and I used to travel a lot and never be in the right place at the right time.
I feel a lot better when I have been to a meeting like this as you feel lifted and cheered up by meeting so many really nice people.
I was sat next to an older gentleman who was having - somewhat similar problems in the same locality. I was surprised how much I knew about the subject. A couple of the other guys local to me were squirming when the subject of a TURBT came up. He said it not me :-)
Anyway, I had a really good evening and was home by 9 pm which is good. I haven't been to the Lodge for many years but I got an office this year and will certainly be going and travelling around now. I missed a lot because I was ill and I used to travel a lot and never be in the right place at the right time.
I feel a lot better when I have been to a meeting like this as you feel lifted and cheered up by meeting so many really nice people.
A Year to the Day
That I quit that job. It is amazing that even at that time it wasn't bad news. A week or two later it all went pear shaped though :-)
Time just rockets past doesn't it? The only good thing about it was that I was able to distract myself from the troubles I was having and to work flexibly. The more I think about it the more I miss the flexibility I have had at work for the past 15 or more years. I find the 9 - 5 mentality quite strange and they find it strange that I would happily pick up e-mails that arrive in the evening and work on those then rather than let the lie around for a while.
We go back to the conversation I had with some people the other day about just doing the daily grind and not having the job types I used to have which were relatively high stress high adrenaline rush type things. Maybe there is a compromise - I just need to find it I suppose.
I struggle with this a lot. I really don't know if I can stomach this job for another 14 or 15 years. That's the problem, committing to it.
Time just rockets past doesn't it? The only good thing about it was that I was able to distract myself from the troubles I was having and to work flexibly. The more I think about it the more I miss the flexibility I have had at work for the past 15 or more years. I find the 9 - 5 mentality quite strange and they find it strange that I would happily pick up e-mails that arrive in the evening and work on those then rather than let the lie around for a while.
We go back to the conversation I had with some people the other day about just doing the daily grind and not having the job types I used to have which were relatively high stress high adrenaline rush type things. Maybe there is a compromise - I just need to find it I suppose.
I struggle with this a lot. I really don't know if I can stomach this job for another 14 or 15 years. That's the problem, committing to it.
Missed that
It was Thanksgiving yesterday - so belated Happy Thanksgiving Day. When I worked for DEC of course, how could we forget - the place almost closed down.
Off work today and I am deciding what to do with myself... I have a Lodge meeting later this afternoon but whether I want to drive or not is the thing. It is a fair way away and I can do public transport to it - a bit convoluted but it can be done.
And so on to the next batch of things to be done before next week's assessment (can it really almost be that time already) and the week after and that particular meeting with destiny.
As usual loads to do, not a lot of which can be shared and it is my time that needs to be managed. I have - I think - done all my Christmas Shopping (thanks for the Internet Berners Lee) and somewhere in this I have to produce two newsletters and do all my Christmas Cards.
Time is the one thing that is going to give me grief in the next few weeks. I'm sure everything will get done it is just how I manage to do it.
I'm feeling a little anxious / nervous which is always the way leading up to going to get violated in the cause of science and survival. It has to play on your mind and the back of hand is throbbing already where they normally put the cannula in! Psychosomatic or what :-)
Off work today and I am deciding what to do with myself... I have a Lodge meeting later this afternoon but whether I want to drive or not is the thing. It is a fair way away and I can do public transport to it - a bit convoluted but it can be done.
And so on to the next batch of things to be done before next week's assessment (can it really almost be that time already) and the week after and that particular meeting with destiny.
As usual loads to do, not a lot of which can be shared and it is my time that needs to be managed. I have - I think - done all my Christmas Shopping (thanks for the Internet Berners Lee) and somewhere in this I have to produce two newsletters and do all my Christmas Cards.
Time is the one thing that is going to give me grief in the next few weeks. I'm sure everything will get done it is just how I manage to do it.
I'm feeling a little anxious / nervous which is always the way leading up to going to get violated in the cause of science and survival. It has to play on your mind and the back of hand is throbbing already where they normally put the cannula in! Psychosomatic or what :-)
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Day off tomorrow
Again. Well I have three days - no make that two left to take and somehow I have to make up for them somehow. I'll manage something.
Tomorrow I fancy a sleep in and then if I can to do some work on my course and I have a load of stuff to do for the Lodge meeting....
It really shouldn't be down to me but it will be.
At least I don't need to get up before I go to bed tonight :-)
Tomorrow I fancy a sleep in and then if I can to do some work on my course and I have a load of stuff to do for the Lodge meeting....
It really shouldn't be down to me but it will be.
At least I don't need to get up before I go to bed tonight :-)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Pants
It was a boring day really. My friend is now off to have his Prostate sorted out - he is getting a reamed TURBT to sort out a restriction caused by an enlarged Prostate. I lent him the book my friend gave me - "the book of Piss" which is most amusing. I hope he finds it to be so too.
I was bored because I've done a lot of preparation work and got the handover sorted and I'm just waiting now - everything is ready to go but nothing has arrived for me to do anything with.
Tomorrow I plan to spring clean my desk - well there's nothing like starting it early. That is if I stop yawning long enough.
Oh yes - the dreams - blimey the one last night was so real that I was having real difficulty when I woke up working out why I was in my bed and not up the road with some friends listening to a terrible account of how someone had died...
Weird stuff but often get this but more noticeable these past few years...
I was bored because I've done a lot of preparation work and got the handover sorted and I'm just waiting now - everything is ready to go but nothing has arrived for me to do anything with.
Tomorrow I plan to spring clean my desk - well there's nothing like starting it early. That is if I stop yawning long enough.
Oh yes - the dreams - blimey the one last night was so real that I was having real difficulty when I woke up working out why I was in my bed and not up the road with some friends listening to a terrible account of how someone had died...
Weird stuff but often get this but more noticeable these past few years...
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Good News
On Steve's Blog he mentions that HK in Canada has non malignant tumour so HK will be going onto BCG again and be kept an eye on. Good for HK and let's hope that one resolves itself.
This BCG isn't the nicest thing you've ever had done to you but it sure does seem to be effective.
This BCG isn't the nicest thing you've ever had done to you but it sure does seem to be effective.
Tuesday - back to business
Everyone wants to know how you are and when you tell them you feel like poo it sort of wipes the smile off their faces a bit. I find it difficult to say "I'm alright" because clearly I'm not.
I have a hint of trouble to come if I go permanent as there is a back to work interview each time - I don't need to do that as I am a consultant and don't charge them but it is funny as I said to the boss - "if I am off as much as this at least I'll get some quality time with you once or twice a week!"
I did explain that they might like to reconsider a permanent role as this wont go away in the short term.
So other than that it was the usual funny day. Exasperating as ever as I was asked why we were right down to the wire on the deadline and that I should have started things earlier. I explained that I had started things earlier but this had just given more people the opportunity to comment and alter the work I started two weeks ago. In fact I hate Parkinson's Law - as a Project Manager it is my enemy. Parkinson's Law states that if you have three weeks to do a job you will expand the time to take the full three weeks.
Anyway, onwards and upwards at least that is the last deadline out of the way for this year. Except the Christmas Cards - which incidentally I started in July and that only got agreed two weeks ago - see what I mean! They need to arrive, be signed off and posted in the next few weeks. All the Labels are ready on my desk I just need the cards. I don't fancy signing 500 odd but at least I got self sealing envelopes!
I have a hint of trouble to come if I go permanent as there is a back to work interview each time - I don't need to do that as I am a consultant and don't charge them but it is funny as I said to the boss - "if I am off as much as this at least I'll get some quality time with you once or twice a week!"
I did explain that they might like to reconsider a permanent role as this wont go away in the short term.
So other than that it was the usual funny day. Exasperating as ever as I was asked why we were right down to the wire on the deadline and that I should have started things earlier. I explained that I had started things earlier but this had just given more people the opportunity to comment and alter the work I started two weeks ago. In fact I hate Parkinson's Law - as a Project Manager it is my enemy. Parkinson's Law states that if you have three weeks to do a job you will expand the time to take the full three weeks.
Anyway, onwards and upwards at least that is the last deadline out of the way for this year. Except the Christmas Cards - which incidentally I started in July and that only got agreed two weeks ago - see what I mean! They need to arrive, be signed off and posted in the next few weeks. All the Labels are ready on my desk I just need the cards. I don't fancy signing 500 odd but at least I got self sealing envelopes!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Blah - Monday!
What a day - got home after practising for our Banner Dedication in January. All the usual suspects were there, the people who turn out time after time and will actually do a job for you. The others - well underwhelmed by their response. It is annoying that I have little time left when I am fit and healthy to get everyone ready for a once in a life-time ceremony and yet they wont turn up to make it look half reasonable.
It is the trouble with all clubs and committees that some of you end up doing all the work and those on the outside look in and cast stones but don't actually do anything themselves! Such is the way of it.
I do it becuase I care - I'd rather take a back seat as I have been doing this for years but there you go.
It is the trouble with all clubs and committees that some of you end up doing all the work and those on the outside look in and cast stones but don't actually do anything themselves! Such is the way of it.
I do it becuase I care - I'd rather take a back seat as I have been doing this for years but there you go.
A low day today
I don't like taking time off work but I know I must do it. It would have been useless me going in today like I was - I'd have been a asleep on the train and potentially at my desk too.
I've done what needed to be done today whilst I have been sat here at my office desk and apart from one thing that I hadn't banked on (forgetting where I stored a document - which is very unlike me) no one died!
I tend to work in the charity sector, much as I worked in Financial Services, IT and business; at breakneck speed, everything was resolved as quickly as humanly possible. Generally the customer was the one who needed things working so they could make the money which eventually meant that you got paid too.
It is a LOT different. No one expects that things get turned around in minutes as we have finite (not infinite) resources but I still do my bit to my old speed and often it isn't needed, no one was expecting it and other people who have to input have their schedules too. I haven't learnt to slow down. Not a bad thing as tomorrow I can catch up I suppose :-)
Why else do I feel low? Letting other people down is one but I'm not really and if I don't work I don't get paid so it isn't as if there is any sick pay involved. No one has been let down and I think it is just me, being - well - me really.
Others? Grey old winter day outside, inside not particularly warm either, the tasks are getting done but it is drudgery not enjoyable. I think it is just like that at the moment there isn't much to brighten up my day and the day of reckoning is on its way - 2 weeks tomorrow.
Back to the pile of paper on my desk which is going down slowly.
I've done what needed to be done today whilst I have been sat here at my office desk and apart from one thing that I hadn't banked on (forgetting where I stored a document - which is very unlike me) no one died!
I tend to work in the charity sector, much as I worked in Financial Services, IT and business; at breakneck speed, everything was resolved as quickly as humanly possible. Generally the customer was the one who needed things working so they could make the money which eventually meant that you got paid too.
It is a LOT different. No one expects that things get turned around in minutes as we have finite (not infinite) resources but I still do my bit to my old speed and often it isn't needed, no one was expecting it and other people who have to input have their schedules too. I haven't learnt to slow down. Not a bad thing as tomorrow I can catch up I suppose :-)
Why else do I feel low? Letting other people down is one but I'm not really and if I don't work I don't get paid so it isn't as if there is any sick pay involved. No one has been let down and I think it is just me, being - well - me really.
Others? Grey old winter day outside, inside not particularly warm either, the tasks are getting done but it is drudgery not enjoyable. I think it is just like that at the moment there isn't much to brighten up my day and the day of reckoning is on its way - 2 weeks tomorrow.
Back to the pile of paper on my desk which is going down slowly.
Another day off work
I cannot believe how tired I was this morning, I woke at 5:25 and had a thick head and was so lethargic. All I wanted to do was go back to bed which I did after e-mailing the office.
I still have dull aches over my eyes - perhaps I have a small part of this cold everyone in the house has had and I'm just having partial symptoms because of the Immunotherapy?
Maybe I was just battling with the post before and battling things out in my head?
Anyway, I'll do a little work from home today but other than that take the day off - I can catch up tomorrow as long as I keep my eye on the ball. That is that I have 10 working days left before I go into Hospital.
I still have dull aches over my eyes - perhaps I have a small part of this cold everyone in the house has had and I'm just having partial symptoms because of the Immunotherapy?
Maybe I was just battling with the post before and battling things out in my head?
Anyway, I'll do a little work from home today but other than that take the day off - I can catch up tomorrow as long as I keep my eye on the ball. That is that I have 10 working days left before I go into Hospital.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
So how are you feeling?
Strange would be the nearest thing to say about how I feel. I am not sure - I feel quite peculiar - I think it is to do with the letter actually rather than anything else. It gets you to thinking again about what is going to happen - my left hand started throbbing as it knows it is going to get a cannula shoved into it.
My dreams have become very real again recently, long coherent and most life like although they aren't particularly worrying they are extremely realistic and I can wake up imagining that these things have actually happened.
It is a most unusual feeling - sort of not ill, not right, a little light headed and light bodied (if that makes sense) and I wonder if there isn't a little bit of fear in me. There are always terrible thoughts going through my head when I stop to think about things and being wheeled into Theatre is a pretty bad time and so there is a nag going on in there as well - there must be some doubt and I'm guessing it is just the build up of emotions the nearer I get towards the event. There'll be the worrying afterwards, of course until the results are known and who knows, dare I think of having no further maintenance - that would be the best result ever.
As I typed this I thought of what I said about the terrible thoughts and they aren't as bad as they used to be but they are still there. The voices still nag at you and taunt you, your mortality and your equilibrium. I've said many times before that I am far more emotional these days than I ever was before and to stop and think can be almost tearful, certainly a choking feeling and I'm still not strong when it comes to sad stories and tragedy despite dealing with it at work it still shocks and upsets me far more than it ever did.
Anyway, off to bed and see if I can shake this off for the week.
My dreams have become very real again recently, long coherent and most life like although they aren't particularly worrying they are extremely realistic and I can wake up imagining that these things have actually happened.
It is a most unusual feeling - sort of not ill, not right, a little light headed and light bodied (if that makes sense) and I wonder if there isn't a little bit of fear in me. There are always terrible thoughts going through my head when I stop to think about things and being wheeled into Theatre is a pretty bad time and so there is a nag going on in there as well - there must be some doubt and I'm guessing it is just the build up of emotions the nearer I get towards the event. There'll be the worrying afterwards, of course until the results are known and who knows, dare I think of having no further maintenance - that would be the best result ever.
As I typed this I thought of what I said about the terrible thoughts and they aren't as bad as they used to be but they are still there. The voices still nag at you and taunt you, your mortality and your equilibrium. I've said many times before that I am far more emotional these days than I ever was before and to stop and think can be almost tearful, certainly a choking feeling and I'm still not strong when it comes to sad stories and tragedy despite dealing with it at work it still shocks and upsets me far more than it ever did.
Anyway, off to bed and see if I can shake this off for the week.
Letter Arrived
Today - a bit bizarre to arrive on a Sunday although it was DHL or TNT or some such.
Pre-Assessment on the 2nd December - Operation on the 9th December. All very clinical stuff these letters :-)
So at least that is all set now. I feel a lot better and worse all at the same time! Oh well soon be over I suppose.
Pre-Assessment on the 2nd December - Operation on the 9th December. All very clinical stuff these letters :-)
So at least that is all set now. I feel a lot better and worse all at the same time! Oh well soon be over I suppose.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
No letter?
I've not had confirmation of my day in Hospital yet? Mind you that is often the case. I suppose if I don't have it by Tuesday I ought to ask as I would need to be assessed on 1st December.
My colleague goes in this Thursday for his operation and then won't be back to work until the New Year and I am guessing that is true from my side too once I go in, in reality I won't be back until the 18th or 19th at the earliest - I will have to see how I am - we tend to close down for the two weeks (almost) over Christmas and the New Year and so the 5th January is realistic for me too.
I am expecting, dare I say it, to be clear again. It will be bitterly disappointing if it is anything different. The next month or so is a no-mans land as I'm still not sure what to expect. This time I am far more confident of the outcome and yet there is still some doubt. It nags at the back of your mind that this, of all cancers, has a nasty habit of coming back. It is treatable but I really could do with getting back to being me and moving on again. No matter what you think this hovers over you all the time and you are faced with (as a friend put it yesterday) FUD - Fear Uncertainty and Doubt.
If the uncertainty goes then perhaps the other two will fade away and I can get on and make some decisions in 2009. Decisions? If things are clear and I have the gift of more time - what am I going to do with it - time that is?
My colleague goes in this Thursday for his operation and then won't be back to work until the New Year and I am guessing that is true from my side too once I go in, in reality I won't be back until the 18th or 19th at the earliest - I will have to see how I am - we tend to close down for the two weeks (almost) over Christmas and the New Year and so the 5th January is realistic for me too.
I am expecting, dare I say it, to be clear again. It will be bitterly disappointing if it is anything different. The next month or so is a no-mans land as I'm still not sure what to expect. This time I am far more confident of the outcome and yet there is still some doubt. It nags at the back of your mind that this, of all cancers, has a nasty habit of coming back. It is treatable but I really could do with getting back to being me and moving on again. No matter what you think this hovers over you all the time and you are faced with (as a friend put it yesterday) FUD - Fear Uncertainty and Doubt.
If the uncertainty goes then perhaps the other two will fade away and I can get on and make some decisions in 2009. Decisions? If things are clear and I have the gift of more time - what am I going to do with it - time that is?
Friday, November 21, 2008
What a week that was
I am now very tired and off to bed - I have no idea how I managed to get through that lot and last night I didn't get home until very late. Tonight I have snoozed on the train and in my chair and I still need to get to bed.
All in all it hasn't been a bad week at all and I am happy that I got through it and managed to get to work every day. Only two weeks to go before the Operation and time is oozing away fast. Tomorrow is going to be interesting as I need to catch up with my studies (again) and get other items finished that are now urgent.
All in all it hasn't been a bad week at all and I am happy that I got through it and managed to get to work every day. Only two weeks to go before the Operation and time is oozing away fast. Tomorrow is going to be interesting as I need to catch up with my studies (again) and get other items finished that are now urgent.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Every day this week
I will have been out every evening this week come Friday. I didn't plan it that way - it has just happened like that.
Someone asked me to help them out - I said yes and suddenly I am up to my eyeballs and beyond with it. Oh well, all in a good cause.
The trouble is I am yawning like crazy so will take myself off to bed and hope for a good night's sleep.
A came to work and took some photos which was great - nice to see her using her particular skill.
As for me - my colleague was back from his awful time. He is having an operation next week and we wont see him until the new year. At least he was in reasonably good spirits despite the fact he has to have a serious operation to come. It isn't a million miles away from a TURBT so I showed him the picture from a few days back which amused him somewhat.
Someone asked me to help them out - I said yes and suddenly I am up to my eyeballs and beyond with it. Oh well, all in a good cause.
The trouble is I am yawning like crazy so will take myself off to bed and hope for a good night's sleep.
A came to work and took some photos which was great - nice to see her using her particular skill.
As for me - my colleague was back from his awful time. He is having an operation next week and we wont see him until the new year. At least he was in reasonably good spirits despite the fact he has to have a serious operation to come. It isn't a million miles away from a TURBT so I showed him the picture from a few days back which amused him somewhat.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
As if to counter the previous comment
I was out with friends and spoke of this concern that I am just turning up and doing day to day (menial tasks).
The rough interpretation was "Why not take the sh1t for a few years? You've worked hard all your life and got ill to prove it, why not take it easy, do the 9 to 5 and retire?"
You can see that at 51 years of age, no mortgage left that it would appeal and yet, I don't have the capability to be a drone - I never have. I wonder what I should be doing in this situation.
I continue to fight with these demons - I ought to be doing good things with all of this and yet to 9 to 5 and take the money isn't my style at all, it isn't in my make up (not mascara and lip stick Flocky Bicep!!).
Too late to moralise now but it needs consideration as I still love the job but the menial sometimes really hacks me off.
The rough interpretation was "Why not take the sh1t for a few years? You've worked hard all your life and got ill to prove it, why not take it easy, do the 9 to 5 and retire?"
You can see that at 51 years of age, no mortgage left that it would appeal and yet, I don't have the capability to be a drone - I never have. I wonder what I should be doing in this situation.
I continue to fight with these demons - I ought to be doing good things with all of this and yet to 9 to 5 and take the money isn't my style at all, it isn't in my make up (not mascara and lip stick Flocky Bicep!!).
Too late to moralise now but it needs consideration as I still love the job but the menial sometimes really hacks me off.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I am not a number
I am a free man. The Prisoner - excellent. No idea what was going on but there you go. It makes as much sense as my day to day these days.
I'm getting the feeling that I am being treated a bit like a clerk. I think I am changing my attitude a bit - I mean I can put my hand to anything but I'm not sure that I really am ready for being employed again. Well not if I'm going to be "clerking" rather than using my 30 years of experience for something a bit more - well - useful.
I'm getting the feeling that I am being treated a bit like a clerk. I think I am changing my attitude a bit - I mean I can put my hand to anything but I'm not sure that I really am ready for being employed again. Well not if I'm going to be "clerking" rather than using my 30 years of experience for something a bit more - well - useful.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Previous Post
I saw that picture on Steve's blog and it still "gets my attention". It is a brilliant piece that only fellow suffers can truly appreciate. The only way to show it any differently would be to have razor blades flying out :-(
If you could put a thousand words and expressions into a picture - that would be it :-)
I am getting myself ready to face another week. It appears that my work colleague may be having something similar (in the same locality) done to him which will take him out for 4 to 6 weeks and with me also going into Hospital and unlikely to get into work until the last few days of the year it could mean that I'll be having a very interesting time indeed in the next few weeks.
I have about 6 weeks work to fit into 3 weeks and that should be interesting. Time is getting booked into my diary and I defy even Stephen Hawkins to be able to sort that out for me!
Oh well, best get ready for the early morning start and see what awaits - I have no idea how I am going to fill in for two people for the next three weeks though :-) On top of University work and work for the Lodges I suddenly realised that I haven't started my yearly newsletters to family or for my researchers of the family name and I haven't even bought a Christmas card or present yet either. EEEEkkkkk!
If you could put a thousand words and expressions into a picture - that would be it :-)
I am getting myself ready to face another week. It appears that my work colleague may be having something similar (in the same locality) done to him which will take him out for 4 to 6 weeks and with me also going into Hospital and unlikely to get into work until the last few days of the year it could mean that I'll be having a very interesting time indeed in the next few weeks.
I have about 6 weeks work to fit into 3 weeks and that should be interesting. Time is getting booked into my diary and I defy even Stephen Hawkins to be able to sort that out for me!
Oh well, best get ready for the early morning start and see what awaits - I have no idea how I am going to fill in for two people for the next three weeks though :-) On top of University work and work for the Lodges I suddenly realised that I haven't started my yearly newsletters to family or for my researchers of the family name and I haven't even bought a Christmas card or present yet either. EEEEkkkkk!
Accepting the situation
I wonder if you are meant to just accept that you get tired and out of condition and all the other baggage that goes along with this?
I seem to be constantly moaning about this that and the other. Not that I was ever a hypercondriac, far from it, I hadn't really been ill in 30 years and couldn't understand how people could get so ill all the time (yes - now I know).
So whilst I am writing in here all the day by day symptoms and side effects it sounds like a constant whinge to me and I don't mean it to be. It occurs to me that there is a way back from all of this and you just have to grind away and work at it all the time to "get back to normal". Perhaps the statement you often hear "life completely changes after diagnosis" is exactly how it is. Everything changes and it doesn't ever return to what it used to be like and that is why they say it!
I am sure of one thing though; I have the luxury of looking back a year and seeing what happened (in fact 2 years). When I look back on how I was a year and then two years ago the progress has been markedly improved, the outlook has gotten better each year. In fact it is funny as it was a year ago the old business self-destructed - looking back now I don't think I have ever seen such a performance where a guy that effectively owned the business told the investors how it was. Utter disbelief around the table as it transpired that the guy was morally corrupt, the business didn't own the product at the core of the service and that there was next to no money in the account. The more amusing thing was there had been a huge launch party 6 months previous and a massive sponsorship deal the day afterwards at a prestigious annual awards party. You couldn't make it up could you :-)
So two years ago - not sure whether the treatment was going to work. One year ago, elated that the treatment had worked and got a clear, but was disappointed with the business I had worked to build betrayed me and the investors. This year, I really should be even more elated that I remain clear and that this could be my last operation coming up.
So to the original note - should I accept the situation that I will be like this ongoing? Of course not, I really find it difficult to have any stability when one day I can "climb Mount Everest" and the next day I can't get out of bed although, having said that, that hasn't happened for a few weeks now! Things aren't as extreme as they were 2 years ago or one year ago. It would be good though if they were to not be part of everyday existence although I'd rather have those than cancer.
Finally, it is probably wrong to ask to be back to normal and not have these niggles as, in the overall scheme of things, others suffer far more than me and I have recovered from BC. Many other people are suffering far worse things in the world and I really should be grateful that I am over the worst and that I am able to tell the tale also that I am allowed to whinge about it. It all seems somehow trivial now I think about it:-)
I seem to be constantly moaning about this that and the other. Not that I was ever a hypercondriac, far from it, I hadn't really been ill in 30 years and couldn't understand how people could get so ill all the time (yes - now I know).
So whilst I am writing in here all the day by day symptoms and side effects it sounds like a constant whinge to me and I don't mean it to be. It occurs to me that there is a way back from all of this and you just have to grind away and work at it all the time to "get back to normal". Perhaps the statement you often hear "life completely changes after diagnosis" is exactly how it is. Everything changes and it doesn't ever return to what it used to be like and that is why they say it!
I am sure of one thing though; I have the luxury of looking back a year and seeing what happened (in fact 2 years). When I look back on how I was a year and then two years ago the progress has been markedly improved, the outlook has gotten better each year. In fact it is funny as it was a year ago the old business self-destructed - looking back now I don't think I have ever seen such a performance where a guy that effectively owned the business told the investors how it was. Utter disbelief around the table as it transpired that the guy was morally corrupt, the business didn't own the product at the core of the service and that there was next to no money in the account. The more amusing thing was there had been a huge launch party 6 months previous and a massive sponsorship deal the day afterwards at a prestigious annual awards party. You couldn't make it up could you :-)
So two years ago - not sure whether the treatment was going to work. One year ago, elated that the treatment had worked and got a clear, but was disappointed with the business I had worked to build betrayed me and the investors. This year, I really should be even more elated that I remain clear and that this could be my last operation coming up.
So to the original note - should I accept the situation that I will be like this ongoing? Of course not, I really find it difficult to have any stability when one day I can "climb Mount Everest" and the next day I can't get out of bed although, having said that, that hasn't happened for a few weeks now! Things aren't as extreme as they were 2 years ago or one year ago. It would be good though if they were to not be part of everyday existence although I'd rather have those than cancer.
Finally, it is probably wrong to ask to be back to normal and not have these niggles as, in the overall scheme of things, others suffer far more than me and I have recovered from BC. Many other people are suffering far worse things in the world and I really should be grateful that I am over the worst and that I am able to tell the tale also that I am allowed to whinge about it. It all seems somehow trivial now I think about it:-)
Did I say tired?
Mmmm
I actually sat down and watched a Laurel and Hardy DVD - one of my set I got for my birthday. Now they aren't everyone's cup of tea but I enjoy watching them in small doses. Of course the trouble is that it is quarter to one in the morning and I am wide awake :-)
I shall turn in and see if I can get some shut eye quickly. I feel wide awake unfortunately.
I actually sat down and watched a Laurel and Hardy DVD - one of my set I got for my birthday. Now they aren't everyone's cup of tea but I enjoy watching them in small doses. Of course the trouble is that it is quarter to one in the morning and I am wide awake :-)
I shall turn in and see if I can get some shut eye quickly. I feel wide awake unfortunately.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Now I am tired
I whacked a week's worth of lessons into one day and feel really tired. I needed to catch up after falling behind about a week ago. I got my assignment in on time and I am really hoping for decent marks in that. This module on Faraday was a big one this time and whilst I know a fair bit about it already (I trained as an electrician so should know a bit about him) it was still quite an eye opener to learn about the Institution and his lectures.
Tomorrow - Stalin. I know a lot about him from my recent reading of Martin Gilbert's History of the Twentieth Century. This section is about Myth, History and Reputation.
I've done enough today so I am going to go and watch the TV or listen to some music.
Tomorrow - Stalin. I know a lot about him from my recent reading of Martin Gilbert's History of the Twentieth Century. This section is about Myth, History and Reputation.
I've done enough today so I am going to go and watch the TV or listen to some music.
Top of the world
This morning - I haven't felt this well for a long time. The sun is out, I had a good evening. The household was all smiles, cheerfulness and light this morning and all seems set fair today.
I was meant to be at a tutorial in London but I have too much on my plate at the moment to manage that.
I just listed the stuff that I need to do and it is a bit terrifying as I only realistically have three weeks to sort it all out. I cannot see that happening as things stand - I really do have too much work on.
Today I intend to sit down and do some planning. I need to work out what is achievable in the time available.
Anyway - nice day and feeling good so who knows what I can achieve if I put my mind to it.
I was meant to be at a tutorial in London but I have too much on my plate at the moment to manage that.
I just listed the stuff that I need to do and it is a bit terrifying as I only realistically have three weeks to sort it all out. I cannot see that happening as things stand - I really do have too much work on.
Today I intend to sit down and do some planning. I need to work out what is achievable in the time available.
Anyway - nice day and feeling good so who knows what I can achieve if I put my mind to it.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Beer and a Ruby
An impromptu evening with lovely friends and it is so nice to have a belly full of laughs, beer and food once in a while. A couple of pranks and some lewd and even occasionally intelligent humour across what was honest food and service can only but set the weekend up :-)
I do enjoy meeting up with my friends and I value their company more than they will know or more than I dare let on.
I do enjoy meeting up with my friends and I value their company more than they will know or more than I dare let on.
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