Strange would be the nearest thing to say about how I feel. I am not sure - I feel quite peculiar - I think it is to do with the letter actually rather than anything else. It gets you to thinking again about what is going to happen - my left hand started throbbing as it knows it is going to get a cannula shoved into it.
My dreams have become very real again recently, long coherent and most life like although they aren't particularly worrying they are extremely realistic and I can wake up imagining that these things have actually happened.
It is a most unusual feeling - sort of not ill, not right, a little light headed and light bodied (if that makes sense) and I wonder if there isn't a little bit of fear in me. There are always terrible thoughts going through my head when I stop to think about things and being wheeled into Theatre is a pretty bad time and so there is a nag going on in there as well - there must be some doubt and I'm guessing it is just the build up of emotions the nearer I get towards the event. There'll be the worrying afterwards, of course until the results are known and who knows, dare I think of having no further maintenance - that would be the best result ever.
As I typed this I thought of what I said about the terrible thoughts and they aren't as bad as they used to be but they are still there. The voices still nag at you and taunt you, your mortality and your equilibrium. I've said many times before that I am far more emotional these days than I ever was before and to stop and think can be almost tearful, certainly a choking feeling and I'm still not strong when it comes to sad stories and tragedy despite dealing with it at work it still shocks and upsets me far more than it ever did.
Anyway, off to bed and see if I can shake this off for the week.
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2 comments:
Shaking it off is an excellent plan. One thing that might help is some deep breathing and semi-hypnosis or meditation. I thought it was all foolishness, suggested to me by a "New Age" friend who is into yoga and such. Even so, it helped me a lotThe deep breathing is easy to do, and easy to try. Check out the two sets of instructions (religious and new age) here: DEEP BREATHING
Early on I did get hypnotised which actually helped me a lot - especially going in to Hospital and having tests and the operations. It controls the anxiety and we did breathing - I must go and dig that out as he left me with some prompts and self hypnosis bits. I'll check out the other link. Thanks.
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