See I'm not mad

I enjoy talking to my fellow survivors. I went out tonight with a good friend and we got around to talking about this problem with the dreams, the fatigue, the not really satisfied with life bit, the lack of sleep, the way people treat you and the caution we both have. Then there is the reticence to get closely involved with anyone - all sounds strange unless you have been through the mental and physical fun of cancer.

I'm no nearer an answer for you but it goes something like this....

I'm not satisfied with what I have now, I feel it is all going to fall down and disintegrate around me and if that happens I'll tear down the walls and re-build. I have absolutely no idea what it is that I want now. I haven't thought through what would make me happy, how I want to live, what I want to do and where I want to go, to live, to work or anything.

I know that any ideas I do have are scrutinised and examined from every angle and I don't do off the cuff things, it isn't in my nature. To do anything different involves dragging a mile of baggage with me.

I'm not "screwed up" but having something like BC kind of makes you question everything and you are presented with questions like "Well, if you feel you haven't really lived and you have survived for a purpose. What is that purpose?" Now imagine all the variants of that question to surround your working, social and home life, multiply that by 100 and you can get an idea of the questions buzzing around in my head most of my waking hours.

It is pretty obvious that I don't have an answer to this at the moment but it is worth understanding how screwed up you get. Another common thing we both discovered was that we don't "get" people anymore. In other words, we don't react to signals from people in the same way we used to so cannot recognise a come on, a go away or any other sort of subtle inflection.

Interesting about the darkness and intensity of the dreams and nightmares and whether they are real or imagined. Some can merge with reality as if something actually happened and yet you know instinctively that it couldn't. It is very strange.

Anyway, what will be will be and it is just interesting that we are both having similar struggles.