Well here I am 1 year to the day

It is 1 year since I got the first all clear. To write it is to choke on the words slightly. It probably means as much today as it did then.

What a difference in the day it is too. Last Year I was sitting outside as it was so sunny. I was also drinking rather heavily too as I remember and I had lots of friends to come along and meet me.

I was a bit slow the next day to say the least!

A lot of things have happened and if you'd have told me that within a few weeks of getting the all clear that the business that I had been investing in for most of the year was to come crashing down around my ears and that I'd end up working for a charity I'd have probably laughed at you.

However, that is what happened and I can't say that it isn't for the best really. I was getting pretty wound up about the idiots I had to deal with and sooner or later it would have exploded somewhere else.

In the last year I have been coming to realise what it is like to be cancer free and yet, I probably feel more vulnerable now than I did when I had cancer. I'm about to have another Operation and if that is clear then we really are getting somewhere. Bladder Cancer is one of those annoying cancers that can recur and so you tend to have to come to terms with the fact that it might be back. However, on the flip side, if it stays away long enough you really do have a good chance of not getting a recurrence.

So coming to terms with uncertainty is one thing. Coming to terms with the fact that you suffer a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect because of what you went through is also something I didn't think I'd have to come to terms with. Foreshortening my career, such as it was, is probably a good thing but the power, money and thrill of what I used to do are all things I no longer have and so I miss those elements and yet, not having them should be good for me.

I'm gradually getting used to the job I am in but I hate the regularity of it and the commuting and the 9 to 5 element. They don't do fully flexible working and it halts my ability to be as dynamic as I'd like. If anything, that will be the make or break on the job when I come to make a decision in early 2009 whether I want to continue. It is a great job but I can do more. They are lovely people and I enjoy their company and their enthusiasm for the work but - it just doesn't buzz as a commercial concern does.

These results are important and a second clear will be all the encouragement I need to prepare myself for the next stage which has got to be getting myself away from niggling doubts and moving away from the PTSD or Post Cancer Fatigue towards becoming fitter and healthier. I'm hoping that my studies will be of some help but this week they have gone by the way as so much has happened and I am left with next week to get that done and my assignment. I think I can get back on track with that though as long as I spend sufficient time doing that and not being distracted.

Tonight I am off with some friends to see a tribute band G2 and I am looking forward to it immensely.