Getting out of the doldrums

It is exactly how it feels at the moment. I've not been making much headway at all. I just seem to be stuck with the wreckage of the old strewn around me and the embryo of the new growing a little too slowly for my liking and feeling positively far off in the distance.

The need to get closure and to finally walk away is as strong as ever and yet, it still haunts me. It clouds the decisions I need to make and it claws at my back as I try to move forwards.

This week should be a good one for me as I am going out a fair bit and perhaps I can have a bit of a purge the devil with some old friends of mine on Thursday evening. We are staying at a Hotel in town so may perhaps do some serious drinking and talking - although whether the talking will improve with the drinking may be a moot point!

It is a strange time for me at the moment as I can quite clearly see what I want to do and where I want to go. What I cannot seem to do is break free and get out of the sloth like rut I am in.

I'm not quite sure whether it is some sort of side effect as I really haven't been like this before I got BC and so I am quite annoyed with myself that I am not making good use of my time or gaining full benefit from being without cancer. I thought that I would be up for anything, adventurous, find the inner me and all that stuff so stereotypical of soaps and slush films. Nope! I cannot get the enthusiasm for it at all.

It may seem silly, it may even seem a strange thing to say but I cannot seem to make the effort to get up and enjoy myself and I know I should be leaping about and all excited and doing things I promised myself I'd do if I recovered and what is annoying is this malaise - almost an anticlimactic response to the whole thing.

I intend to do something about it and it isn't just one thing, I believe it is a combination of expectations not met, people who have let me down or perhaps not met my high expectations of them, work, how I feel about myself and others and a whole batch of other stuff too.

I also need to make sure that I haven't become someone I hate. I'm not certain I like my new been there done that me much either.

Well - that was an interesting blog - that took me along way further than I thought it would :-) Gosh - what a lot of trouble and all post traumatic stuff I have no doubt.

I tend to consider that perhaps people aren't making it up when they get PTS.

Phase 2 kicks in

I signed up today with a solicitor who specialises in debt recovery and so phase 2 should be ready for me in a few days time. ACAS (arbitration) were also on to me today - I was happy to go down that route. I explained the details that I had to hand and for them to let me know what they wanted in this respect.

I feel things are moving and I'm feeling OK about this now. I have convinced myself that it isn't "me" and that the stuff I have is correct and that it will stand up in court, in tribunal or in arbitration.

Now to see which way the business will jump. As with all these things, I know that this may not be successful but it may close it down for me sooner rather than later. If it forces them to close down so be it. If it means that I get paid and that I get some compensation for working for them last year for nothing! Then again it is worth it.

I'm gradually getting this Monkey off of my back. The trouble is it is going to do some serious damage to a lot of people whatever happens - there is no way that can stop.

The year of getting better

A week today I go back for treatment and whilst I can't say I am looking forward to it greatly, I understand why I am having it. The way that it worked last year meant that I didn't really get to rest on the second day like I really should have done and this time, I am going to try and make an effort to take my time to recover properly.

There are some obvious issues with having the treatment again. These are that you do feel rough for a day and a bit but also you tend to bleed a bit too and that really is quite disconcerting as it rewinds you right back to those early days and the early signs of the disease. It brings back those memories and the (dare I say) uncomfort/pain of that time far off in 2006.

I'm quite busy over the next few weeks and that in itself will keep my mind off the treatment a bit but will also focus my mind on the task in hand - that of setting up my new business - or rather - deciding whether I should set it up and run with it. Typically I went to look up for a University Course that I learnt about on Saturday and the closing date for applications was - you guessed it - Saturday :-) Such is my luck - I will have to wait until later this year to see if I can get a place or perhaps see if there are other courses worth doing.

Uplifting

Well it was a good day out yesterday. I am the same with most things these days - once I actually get going I am OK - it is getting the enthusiasm to get going that is difficult.

The evening before with a very nice few beers and a curry and 8 of us out for the evening was great and I was up nice and early to get over to Essex for the event.

I arrived in plenty of time and took myself off to Barking High Street. The Cafe I popped into had a "Hale & Hearty" breakfast on the menu which looked just the ticket. So I had a mug of tea and a breakfast that, when it arrived, could have fed a small family for a week! I struggled to finish it off but I eventually managed it. I thought that it was a good thing I hadn't asked for toast or bread with it :-) Phew.

It was a nice walk and I needed the walk back to the school where the AGM and Fair was taking place. I met up with 5 other members of the family which was great and we had a good day out enjoying the talks and the stands. I picked up lots of stuff that I can use to research becoming a researcher!

So I had a great day out and enjoyed myself a lot and now all I have to do is look through the mile of stuff I brought back with me and evaluate it all.

Off out for a ruby

Ruby Murray (Curry). well I've got to get into the Cockney Rhyming slang for tomorrow as it is the East Of London Family History Society AGM :-)

It was an absolute nightmare growing up with my dad who was always coming out with rhyming names for things. Duke of York - Fork, Apples and Pears - Stairs and so on.

Anyway - off for a curry with 7 more mates and I am really looking forward to it. I have finally stated to feel a lot better in myself and tonight and tomorrow are things that I have been looking forward to.

So I'm off to the rub-a-dub for a few pints of beer and a ruby! I'm not sure if it will cost e a Monkey or a Pony (I can't remember what they are in monetary terms)- nuff said!

That's better

I fixed up a load of shelves and bits for my friend's mum and dad. Had a good walk there and back and was able to put up the shelves and sort it out in about 30 minutes.

So I feel good about myself now. I think I have been pretty hard on myself these past few months - not sure why I should think that way. At the end of the day it isn't me who has been a parasite after all. I'm not even sure why I carried around the baggage of blaming myself either. Perhaps that is the way these things work they prey on your good nature and gamble that you wont do anything about it or they are just plain ignorant.

So - now I am in a good frame of mind I shall be getting myself ready for tomorrow's AGM of the Family History Society and beginning to get feedback about whether or not a Family History Researcher can pay the bills :-) Moreover there is a fair on during the day and I want to pick up ideas and meet people in the know and see what they think. I also hope to get back some of my collection of maps, fiches and other things I sold a few years ago as I need them now! Doh!

Also out with the lads tonight for a few beers and a curry which is going to be great - I am looking forward to that - a crowd of 8 or so of us.

Off to do my bit now

As I am at home a lot more I can go and help people out. Just off to fix some shelves for my friend's mum and dad.

That will make me feel all warm and good inside and take away the evil nasty feelings I have towards my ex-employers. well I hope it does.

Oh to see

The look on their faces tomorrow - especially when they read paragraph 14 of their notice.

I wonder what amazing statute or Law they can magic up to defend this?

I must stop gloating as it was only a few days ago I felt differently about this. Later today I will be lending assistance to those in need. I hope that those who have tormented me get to have a very bad day and weekend indeed. I shall not.

On a more upbeat note - I was delighted to be taken out for a few beers this evening which may perchance explain my rather belligerent mood at the moment.

There are not many people in the world that I hold a grudge against but I am sure the tables will be turned tomorrow and that finally, with an official Government document delivered in their hands they will realise that they are finally being reeled in. I am sure my claim is just the tip of the iceberg.

The papers have arrived

My case has been accepted and the papers are about to be served. Author lets out a big sigh of relief :-)

What I like about it is the closing paragraph which states categorically that complete non-payment of wages is unlawful. Argue that one guys.

I feel a bit better today

It is strange how you get that feeling of a "weight lifted off" - it does actually feel like that and today, I feel much better all around as I have made my decision and done something about it.

Perhaps I should have learnt that from having had BC. The problem was waiting to hear what you had and imagining what things would be like. The actual part of being told what you had was if anything a relief because - at least you knew - that was another weight lifted as was being told things were clear.

So the deed is done and is being investigated first to check that there is a case and then these so called "business men" can expect a rather interesting letter to answer. They then have a choice to pay me and stop the proceedings or to contest the case in which event they might find out a very interesting aspect of the Law which is that you cannot use someones services and not pay for them. As a minimum they should have paid the national minimum wage. What I always enjoyed about dealing with these guys was their ability to come up with some Law (that doesn't exist) to justify a position that they were taking.

As we say in Blighty "Pick the bones out of that!"

Yes - feeling better and glad I finally made this decision.

A Good Day and interesting evening too

Well that was an enjoyable and interesting day and evening. I rushed off as a friend was going up early to London and forgot part of my regalia - my collar- which was a nightmare as I was probably the only one of a couple of hundred not wearing a collar. DOH (Thanks Homer).

Anyway - it was nice not to have to do anything and to enjoy a day out with good company. The last couple of speeches were well written but poorly delivered!! I need to remind people that comedians are funny because they have timing and delivery skills. No matter how good a Vicar and a Lawyer may have thought they were - they were not amusing and wasted 30 minutes of valuable drinking time IMHO.

Right - off to bed with a Statin now!

Great - well that cheered me up

My daughter "A" has had two Universities say yes and give her the opportunity (subject to Exam results) to go to them. She has another two, further away, one of which requires a project and portfolio to support her application, the other is by interview in a few weeks. She is a very good Photographer, better than I could ever be. What I liked was that she wasn't certain she had done well at the interview and it is amazing how sometimes you can walk out of somewhere and think you did really badly and yet you get the job or whatever. They were pretty tough on a 17 year old - but then again I was actually working when I was 17!

I always wanted to be a photographer when I was young and, of course, that really wasn't the done thing so I went into engineering with a solid Apprenticeship - not that it did me any harm and it has set me up for the last 30 odd years and I have all the stuff you need etc.

But of course, you always wonder what would have happened if we hadn't moved from London to the sticks where the curriculum was different. If I'd have stayed in London I'd have been in the right sets for top school placements as a new kid in the country I was put in the bottom class and didn't go. That was out of my control and frankly, if the family hadn't have moved we would never have had the lifestyle our parents gave us so I'm not saying that it was wrong either - that's just the way it is. I just wonder whether I'd have been living a different life altogether?

For those reasons, we have stayed in this house for 20 years to provide a stable environment and whilst I think that Photography is highly competitive and perhaps not so well paid, I see no reason to force a change in emphasis on "A" at all. If she can do this, she should. Good luck to her.

I'm really pleased for her, delighted. One of my ambitions or regrets I suppose in reality, was to not to have gone to University. perhaps I will get the opportunity later this year to do so with my new venture? I'd like to think that I can rise above all the present wreckage and do that. Something up my street like History will do me fine.

It is Done

I don't feel particularly good or bad about it but the form has been electronically filed this morning and I hope that it will set in motion recovery of some of my money. This is the one that can easily be addressed as there is a Government Agency set up to do just this.

The business to business claim will be a bit more difficult but I will probably do a little work on that and then push out an official document to get their attention. The trouble with this is that it will cost money and as they haven't paid me much at all - I may as well use my money to better effect.

I can't say that it is a weight off my mind or that I am happy about going down this route but it is one of those things I suppose. I actually feel a slightly sick feeling in my stomach about it. Anyway, I can hardly see why that should be I am after all the victim here.

It will be interesting to see if the claim is accepted in the first place and how they will respond in the second. The key thing here is that I get my claim in now and join the queue of creditors!

So having said all of that - I'm sure that in a day or two I will see that this is the right thing to do. Goodness knows I gave them enough time and attention explaining how these things worked.

I'm off out later today to a very special meeting in London which I am looking forward to immensely. I went about three years ago and had the most fantastic time. I need to enjoy this one as I may never get another chance to go again. An invite is as rare as Hen's teeth.

What on earth is holding me back

From pushing the button and going for the people who obviously didn't give two stuffs about me? I still think about all the other people who are affected and yet I know I should take this action and it is going to lead to other consequences. Push the button, submit the form, await the due process of the law. Come on - do it and have done with it.

Should I give them one more chance or did they squander that when they libeled me? Do I give them an opportunity to get off the hook? Has it all gone too far for that now and what really needs to happen is that reality needs to kick in.

I know that some people are going to get hurt (not me) when I do this and to be honest with you, I don't think that I can find any redeeming feature in any of their behaviours or characters that should be making me stop, think and double check what I am doing I mean, for goodness sake, I just went through 18 months of health hell and a few legal letters and an appearance in court or similar shouldn't be daunting for me. Inconvenient perhaps but it has to be done. If not for my sake - then to stop them doing this to anyone else and thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to employ someone and then not pay them. Who do they think they are? It is after all against the law to take someone's efforts and not reward them.

It's amazing that I am even thinking like this when I should just be getting on and sorting it out.

I am afraid that it is another one of my recent traits - I never used to be this indecisive (but now I'm not so sure)! I had to put that in there before the readershp did :-)

I have printed out the legals and will read it all again in the morning. If it makes sense and I still haven't had any response back from my other communications then I shall do it. If nothing else at least it will force some sort of end game and some form of closure.

The Joy of E-mail

I dropped a note to the Hospital and they confirmed that I don't have to go in on the 1st and it is back to plan A. That is finish off the 3 BCGs and then come in 12 weeks later for an operation to take the biopsies. I'd have actually preferred the flexible but there you go.

Good - all sorted in a few hours thanks to e-mail.

That is a bit of a shock

I just had a letter from the Hospital wanting me to go in for a Flexible Cystoscopy on the 1st February. The reason it is a shock? Well I am in the middle of my BCG treatment at that time and I was told that I would need an operation not a flexible and that 12 weeks after the 11th February. It is also lucky that I decided not to go away that weekend too by the looks of things.

I will have to ring up and see what is happening. I don't mind but it would seem a bit unusual to do this right in the middle of treatment rather than seeing how things had progressed after it?

I will have to give them a call and ask the question I suppose. I don't fancy getting a flexible on Friday and then having to get a BCG one on Monday. Ooh it makes me go all shivery just thinking about it.

At least the Flexible is done at the local Hospital - the first one I had was at a Hospital some distance away and the drive home was excruciatingly painful. At least this way we can be at home in a few minutes and I can just curl up in a ball and be able to sort myself out.

Push the button

It is getting nearer to the the time when I have to do the right thing and push the button and start the litigation process off.

Curiously enough I am a man of my word even if they can't be. I said I would wait for them to reorganise their business before I did anything and await their response. Well they set up their business (new one) last year and still haven't told me so I reckon that in the next few days I will push that button which will send off the forms and set the wheels in motion.

How sad that it should come to this. And again, how many others have suffered the actions of these handful of ignorant, elf-centered, arrogant fools?

You may perhaps have gauged from the tone above that I have little time for these people anymore. Rightly so, I notice that they haven;t suffered any issues because they have been getting paid regularly from the investors! Just a shame they squandered all the money and delivered nothing over 2 years really :-)

Co-incidence or...

I got a call from one of my fellow suppliers to the business and it was just as I was dropping off the aforementioned pee sample to the Hospital. He is in a worse position than I am having worked for 8 months and not got anything apart from one payment and he is due money himself. Soundest advice I could give was do he feel that he would realistically get his money back. It isn't just me who is suffering from the morons - there are others too.

Anyway, I then handed in my sample and went to the Library to get a readers' card and came back via the Post Office (Passport and photo) and then via the pub so I have had a good 3 or 4 hours out walking and doing things. I have to say my head feels the better for it!

Plus a few beers and lunch and an hour thinking about "things" seems to have assisted me to move forward.

Moving a step closer

I completed an employment tribunal form this morning. I just now need to hit the button for the form to be sent and proceedings to commence. I'm still a little hesitant to do this as it will rain down a level of Government backed legislation on the business that they probably never dreamed off. If they think they are beleaguered after upsetting the majority of shareholders and watching them walk away, they should see what they have unleashed here.

As usual, the pleadings of these people will be those of some oppressed much put upon entrepreneur and yet, they cannot continue to get people involved in their business, use their services and then not pay them.

I feel like someone about to let loose an Atom Bomb by pushing the button. I'm not sure what day will be the right one to press it or what damage will be done? Do they deserve it? You bet they do.

Quiet Sunday

It was thank goodness a quiet sort of day - I carried on experimenting with picking up records and doing online family history searches and worked some more on testing my ideas. I also booked myself onto a course in early February all about becoming a family history researcher which I hope will give me the measure of whether or not to do this.

Next weekend i am at my Family History Society AGM and there is a Family History Fair there as well. I will be introducing myself to a number of stall holders and getting cards and flyers and ideas as I go around the meeting.

Tomorrow is "Wee" day - I need to provide a sample - post BCG - and prior to the next lot. This checks on progress. They have a couple of new tests that I believe they are trialing which can, so I am led to believe, detect bladder cancer by testing urine. Of course, I may be way off beam there but that is what I am led to believe.

Two weeks tomorrow I am back on the BCG treatment. Luckily only three of them. I can't say that I am looking forward to it but then again, at least i wont have the pressure of dashing back to work to contend with and will make sure that I fully recover each time.

As for how I am feeling - well still a little fatigued and I still firmly believe that the tablets are something to do with this as well as general recovery. The latest bit of paper in my pills informs me that I can have Grapefruit Juice but not a lot! Thanks for that. It also warns me about "excessive" drinking and that my Doc should have warned me? Well - I cannot be caught out on that one but I wonder quite what excessive (alcohol) drinking actually is - I suppose over your 1 or 2 units a day? Ho hum well I don't tend to go over the top except for the odd celebration and lets face it there haven';t been too many of those recently :-)

I will have to ask when I see the Doc next. The aches and pains are tolerable and so whilst I recognise these as side effects the pills should be doing good things - more so than the side effects.

An escape of sorts

A good afternoon out but I did a lot of the organising and it was very busy and people forgot their words and what they should be doing and there was hardly a minute to spare for me.

Things calmed down and we had a great meal with good company which always makes for a good evening.

I was driving so didn't drink but overdosed a bit on the Tomato Juice and Worcestershire sauce! Nice stuff but three really is the limit on these :-)

So what else to tell you? Not a lot I suppose. I met some people who didn't know the news I was clear and they were delighted and it made me realise that a lot more people care than I thought they did. A number of people didn't even know that I was ill in the first place! So they were shocked and pleased all at the same time.

So it has a been a busy old day and I am ready to hit the sack now. I think someone wants me to be at a meeting in the morning. I imagine that by the time I get out of my pit the meeting will be finished.

Defence Mechanism

Perhaps all that anger, all the emotion and all of the other baggage I am carrying around is me being defensive?

Not sure being defensive against what? Being hurt? Getting involved, not getting involved wanting something different and not wanting to hear everyone's view? I really don't know.

Just another of the funny stages you go through when you come out the end of this sort of experience I suppose.

Off out in an hour or so to a meeting and I hope to have a good time with some friends.

Over Sensitive - Over Reactive

I have been pondering on this. I have become well, to put not too fine a point on it, a little bit sensitive and a little more emotional and a little quick of temper than I ever was before I was diagnosed.

I think I did the feeling sorry for myself bit some time ago and I don't think I had the anger bit - you know "why me". I knew "why me".

It is a disturbing effect as I am not usually afflicted with a sensitivity to criticism, nor do I usually get all choked up about things, or come close to tears or get as angry as quickly as I do these days.

It is a strange result of whatever is going on at the moment. More when I think of it.

Nice Spot of Lunch

very nice indeed. A huge Mixed Grill and as usual very good company. We managed to talk very little about our health which was also quite good.

So, what's new? Well we purged the devil on our "anger management" problems. Actually we are pretty good as we will phone each other up or fire off an e-mail and then get a call going to vent some of the anger. At least this way we can keep a check on it.

It is difficult to disguise it when talking to people these days. When you have to deal with a numpty or a bunch of numpties it can get quite frustrating. It is of course down to the "life's too short" or "stupid dumb ass question(s)" or just someone demonstrating general ignorance.

I had the "see it my way" conversation the other day from someone and the one thing I did try and get across was that it wasn't relevant what he felt about the business and why it fell apart as he didn't actually know or understand the details but more than that, the "advice" was made from a position of protecting his interests and not mine!

I suppose I ought to laugh about it but I do get fed up with all this "free advice" that is ill informed, inaccurate and biased towards their interests and yet wrapped up as if it is good for me.

But - having said all of that - things are calming down a bit and I am getting on with some planning although I would want to do a bit more if it wasn't for all the interuptions that are going on.

A better day all around

Whilst I was up late I did at least get a good run at putting together the researcher basics and have begun to outline a plan for moving this on.

I hope to have made a good stab at getting back to raising my profile with all the old genealogy groups I used to belong to. That has at least started to get my enthusiasm up for kicking off my research and in a couple of weeks I will be meeting some of the family at a Family History AGM which should once again boost my enthusiasm for getting things done.

I now need to see how difficult it is to access and use the indexes that I will need. It looks as if some of these web based businesses are a bit on the slow side - to say the least - I have outstanding queries with a number of them and so far no one has got back with answers to some simple queries. Perhaps this whole business needs a professional touch.

I am stopping now and going to bed so as not to keep seeing figures and names whirring around - lets hope I can get some sleep and actually get up tomorrow!!

A Recharging of the Batteries

I was up late again this morning but slept well. I don't like sleeping in but tend to have a non habitual sleep pattern this past couple of months. I do think that part of this was the business I was in and the effort I put into that. I worked long hours and disrupted my sleep and actually it made me miss a number of things that I wanted to do and I cancelled it for them.

The body must also be repairing itself as well and I think that the 18 months worth of operations and treatment have each taken away that stamina and physical ability I had.

I'm certainly taking things easy at the moment and not knowingly overdoing things. My Treatment starts again in a few weeks time and so I am not planning to do too much in the way of over working or over exertion.

This imbalance is exactly what a number of people have told me about. It isn't that you aren't well as such, it is that your whole body has had a shock and that it is trying to get back to some form of equilibrium. Various things in the body are "out of balance" and this includes hormones which are either too high or too low and competing with each other. I'll be speaking to my friend tomorrow and see if his CHEK meetings are making any difference to him. The hormone balances were all over the shop when he and I last spoke and the problems he was having are more acute than mine.

I'm also a little concerned that the Statin tablets I am taking are also slowing me down a bit as well. I can't imagine the other stuff I take - ace inhibitor and aspirin - are doing this.

I have said that the "D" word doesn't get a look in but really there is an element of that creeping in as well. Some of the symptoms are those associated with depression and I'm aware of them. I'm a pretty positive person normally but the past 2 years have felt like I am trying to wade through treacle. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere fast either :-)

Mid Life crisis? You bet. Decisions I make today or in the next few weeks/months are those that I hope will allow me to move on over the next 10 to 15 years and allow me to do what I want to do and yet at the same time support my family as well. For many years I have held down jobs that weren't that great but paid the bills and he last few were exciting but both came to sticky ends. I want whatever I do from now on to be exciting and challenging, flexible and interesting and pay the bills. The trouble is, can it be done?

A Long Day

It was indeed a long day I was up at 5 and picked up my friend and two colleagues and we drove down to Margate for the installation of a new Provincial Grand Master. It was a very well attended affair and I was stand in Provincial Standard Bearer which is a great honour. I was chuffed to bits to get that job.

We had a nice lunch and I dropped everyone off and got home around 4 pm. It was good but a long day.

I got changed, sat down in my chair and promptly had a couple of hours sleep.

An enjoyable albeit a long day. Glad I went really.

Well

That was a good evening. No one called me a head case for wanting to go out and do my "research thing". In fact all I got was supportive nods and agreements on the basics that I thing are the building blocks of my business.

All a bit worrying - no criticism - no - "you don't want to do that - it's too risky". How strange.

I was expecting a hefty amount of "get real!" "It hasn't a chance!" and so on and yet, looking at this, it looks as if I may be alright.
I have booked a meeting with my very good friend who had his cancer at the same time I had mine. We will meet up on Friday and compare notes. I regard his judgement above many others as he and I went through similar (but not the same) experiences at the same time. His recovery is far more complex than mine though.

We really understand each other and the "feelings" you get being diagnosed, operated on, treated and recovering from this. So, if anyone is going to put a stick in my spokes - it will be him.

We have many a phone call on the utter anger we feel. Far more than any emotion, is this pent up anger with people, politics, management gurus, life coaches etc. I really cannot explain why my normal toleration of these people has gone away. I used to be able to handle them in a professional way and yet now - I just want to smack them in the mouth!

We both need Anger Management lessons and fast. Hopefully we will work this out on Friday.

I am looking forward to that.


Now - I really should be getting to bed as I need to be up in 5 hours and get ready to take a bunch of guys down to Margate for a rather interesting meeting. Au revoir..

Lad's Night Out!

That is what I need - and I am out tonight for a good few beers and to catch up on the latest gossip. Had another call about the nonsense going on with the last bunch of idiots. Some sort of take-over being planned - which makes for an interesting new slant on things.

Off for the day tomorrow which should be good but out at the crack of sparrows to get down to Margate for a meeting.

Looking forward to a good few beers tonight though and some male adult company!

Celebrate and Enjoy

Do you know what struck me this morning? It was this simple fact - that the day I got the all clear those SOBs ate into my celebrations. Then I remember one of them referring to some sort of conversation with me he had on the day.

They robbed me. I am now firmly of the opinion that. If you had been given the all clear from Cancer what would you have done? I had an afternoon and evening drinking with my mates and then went straight to work and worked the weekends, evenings and everything up until the end of November when, frankly it all went pear shaped. So what is missing? Some sort of acknowledgement and event to really celebrate the all clear that's what is missing.

I haven't had closure on that bit of the journey. I haven't had the time to work out what that actually means in terms of living and health. I haven't really been able draw the line under it at all.

Which has to lead me onto the stuff that doesn't happen when you get the all clear. You actually aren't back to normal or indeed likely to be for a long time. After a cold you feel rough for a few days and then you are pretty much back to normal. Well I'm nowhere near normal and no matter what I do I am constantly reminded that physically and more so mentally, I am nothing like I used to be and I'm not sure I'll ever actually get back to normal - whatever normal may be?

So I need to do a bit of celebrating and enjoying the fact that despite everything and no matter what I am actually free of cancer and for that I should be rejoicing and enjoying the fact that I can go and celebrate it.

Now to smash the gloomy little cloud that hovers over my head most of the time and try and move on. Yea right :-) Easier said than done - believe me.

For the best

Two people have said that to me today after I told them my work (or no work) story and how I am most probably out of work and starting afresh. I'm definitely coming to terms with this now. I know a friend of mine who is still involved is still keen for me to continue but he isn't going to pay my wages or cover the debts the company have racked up with me nor, I doubt, get an apology for the libel or allow me the satisfaction of watching them negotiate a million other hoops I'd want these jerks to slither through before I'd go back.

For the best is how I think that I would best describe the feeling - more so in a few weeks time when some more of the issues have been ironed out.

The issue still is that I cannot seem to break out of this entirely and let one thing go and the other commence. One is going to be a long protracted illness and eventual death or perhaps hanging around grasping on to lie. The other is trying to be born whilst all this nonsense and non productive introspection is going on.

I have a couple of days and evenings out over the rest of the week and so can enjoy some light relief - at the expense of former "employers" and some much needed recharging of batteries, cheering up of humour and some fresh ideas to be getting on with.

Things that now make me sad

All the time recently.

I was talking to my friend and we both have this now. it can be at any time and it is a bit like the Black Dog except not as dark and crushingly depressive as that.

Before Cancer and all the treatments and all of that, we were both quite mentally tough, were OK with things like Bambi's mother getting it or some sort of sad event, death, dying, people being hurt and so on. Bambi would probably wipe me out if I saw it now.

Well now, I get choked up when anything sad is on, even if I know it is drama or fiction - even a cartoon can do it. Things that I can't do these days - I realised that last year I made excuses, at the last minute, not to go to a number of funerals. I find anything that relates to someone hurting someone else or being cruel to people (except in certain film genres) really upsets me - things that reflect reality are powerful and yet, sad moments in films aren't violent moments or battle scenes or stuff like that that is fantasy adventure but it is more to do with saying goodbye or knowing that they aren't going to see each other again or some tragedy.

I find scenes where people are saying goodbye for the last time, scenes where some-one's loved one is taken away or is dying or has died and that sort of thing really make me have to get up and go out of the room. I can rattle on about lots of things historically and yet the only scene in Private Ryan that does me is when Ryan asks whether he earned being saved - had he been a good man? That's me - out of the room. What else? Not sure but I really can switch from being fine and upbeat to being almost weepy and I can't predict when it will hit or what will bring it on either. It can be almost anything that does it.

We kicked around the idea that it may be part of the Kubler Ross cycle - like losing a limb and grieving for it, or perhaps that we hadn't had the opportunity to let it all out. Perhaps there is something else going on subconsciously?

It is quite unusual for me to be emotional at all given that I don't have the personality type for it. I am known to be a bit of an ice man and yet when I do get going - you don't want to get on my bad side - I'm not violent - my weapons are words, logic and a hefty whack of sarcasm.

So - why all emotional? It is so unlike me to be like this so perhaps I am grieving for something I lost in the past few years? Maybe my past is dead? Maybe the ongoing uncertainty (BC can come back of course)? Maybe the realisation that I am mortal? Perhaps I now appreciate things that I never did before? Perhaps life is sacred now? My pain threshold is up, maybe my emotional threshold has gone down to compensate? Perhaps I am recognising something of myself in these scenes and I am actually feeling sorry for myself? It could be the current situation and being fed up of being no further on? Perhaps I think too much? That sounds more like me! :-)

Talking of thinking, I've only started to realise recently quite what I have been through and it may be that I am reacting to that. It isn't for sissies as I was once told - and I'd agree with that. You do need to get on with your life and you deal with what you have and what you are going through in the best way you can. No one tells you how to deal with it. Perhaps it is relief or realisation or some other delayed shock? Whatever it is, it isn't worrying me although I have had to leave the room a few times when everyone was there.

I find great empathy with people suffering and I can barely watch certain programmes like that on TV, I have to turn over or turn off. Perhaps it is that - God knows I've wanted to sit down in a corner a cry and let it all out - maybe I ought to - in a controlled way of course :-) I still feel pain in my hand where the cannula normally gets put and in my lower abdomen where I imagine the muscles still aren't back to where they should be. I know that in a few weeks I am back on the BCG Treatments too. I'm also acutely aware that I'm actually doing alright and other people are in a far worse of state than I am and yet, it is all about you at the end of the day.

I tell this blog more than I tell some of the people I know. I've seen the pain in their eyes or in their voices when on the phone listening to what I have done to me and even now a lot of that is for me to know about. No one else was with me when all the stuff happened (apart from the professionals of course).

I'm not sad now- I'm OK but being quite reflective about things. I realised that when I read certain blogs too I get sad. Not my blogs, other sufferers and those who didn't make it. It can be no coincidence that it is also coinciding with some major crossroads in my life and some major choices for the road ahead. There are a head full of emotions, facts and figures, rights and wrongs and past and futures to be filtered, reviewed, filed, dealt with and for a plan to come out for how to move forward again. It is perhaps that too which is making me review all these things and get rid of them, move the emotional roadblocks out of the way and to get on with life.

Blimey - that was a long blog to say that I felt sad sometimes! :-)

University

Oh I'd love to go to University. I got a letter asking f I'd want to do some more studies with the Open University. I did a course a few years ago and had a great time. It was a correspondence course though. however, it was to Post Graduate level and I got great marks in it. The worst thing was doing a 3 1/2 hour exam and feeling as if my hand had dropped off as it was a written test and who uses pens these days?? :-)

Anyway, it would be interesting and I am going to have a look and see if they have any courses for History or Researcher or something along those lines. That would be useful for me to be learning something as well as changing jobs! I see there is also a course in Family History Research which may be just what I need.

We were never really told that we could have gone to University after leaving school and so I missed out - perhaps now I can get back in there and in the words of Darth Vader "Fulfill my destiny"?

Disappointing

People are disappointing. Not all of them mind you but some people are very narrow minded and very selfish I find.

So Flame ON - it isn't necessarily about BC but it may just get this out of my system :-)

I hadn't considered for one minute that the reason most of the people I was dealing with were being so utterly illogical and weren't facing up to the truth and were (and still are) totally oblivious to the legal repercussions and why their communications to me were ferocious and personal attacks on my character until it struck me today what it actually was.

This business should have unleashed a service that would make millions and that very quickly. I'd always treated it as a high risk although had I known that the back office was missing I'd have walked away earlier.

So my point? These people are only focused on the money. They are blind and oblivious to the obstacles in their way. they can't see those. It will never happen for them because they cannot see further than being mega rich and yet, to actually achieve that, they need to forget that and work on the foundations first. In fact they need to do some work and planning as well but they have been corrupted by their greed.

What is disappointing is that they are blindingly charging into oblivion and for some, legal minefields and certain criminal and corporate proceeding and rather than taking a realism tablet and waking up to it, they are giving me a hard time for bringing it to their attention in the first place. Where they had people(including myself) sympathetic to their cause, they have so royally upset them in just a few weeks that even the hardest of them has walked away. The trouble with that is that they all want their investments back now and these guys are liked cornered wounded animals. They haven't got the money the owe and can see only one way out which is to fight and in fact it will be their downfall.

It is their inability to see past the money that makes me annoyed that and their ignorance of the law and the way that they will trample over anyone to get to their goal without realising that it will eventually be the undoing of them. I told them this in October/November, I read them their fortune and what would happen if they continued to pursue this course of action. They continued, it is falling down like a pack of cards and it is my fault! Yea right!

I am having a problem with the fact that they robbed me of 7 months of my time/effort as the one thing I do know about is time and how precious that commodity actually is. Whilst I don't like to wish ill on people, it would be good if they were banged up for fraud as that way they would have their time taken off of them and be in a position to reflect at last on what they have done. Frankly they should rot in a damp jail somewhere for 5 or 10 years for fraud except they still don't see that or get it.

Yes, I am very disappointed with these people. For robbing me of 7 months time and then making me out to be the criminal. For taking other people's money and not delivering on their promises. For managing themselves into a corner and then blaming everyone else but themselves for their failures. For not being people with souls, backbone, moral fibre and for being liars and taking things by deceptive and fraudulent means. It may not get me my money back but this little blast made me a feel a lot better :-)

Flame OFF

An amusing addition to this is that I was discussing a point of Law referring to a contract when one of the Directors gave the diametrically opposite meaning of the Law I was talking about. Ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the Law, these guys should defend themselves. It won't stop them going down but it will give the Court and the Judicial system plenty to laugh about.

Just to prove me wrong

Went to bed last night and slept for 11 hours! We had been out at some friends and we just had a good time and there wasn't anything going on about old jobs or anything else, we had a good meal and a good laugh afterwards which is always the best medicine :-)

So it can be done.

Mid Life Crisis

I reckon it has got to be a combination of the mid life crisis - the relief of getting past having cancer and the loss of 7 months work (my time) last year that is giving me these sleepless nights. This isn't laying awake worrying about anything. This is laying awake replaying past things, formulating plans and my mind going off on "what if" scenario plans. This is major activity and it isn't switching itself off like it used to. My brain does this all day long at the moment.

I cannot easily stop this processing of data though as it is pretty important if I am going to make a dash for the hills and get out of my past life and into my new one. I need to make sure I am making the right decisions. I mean after all, do I burn my bridges and just go off and do this (highly unlike me to do that)? Do I gradually change into this new role? Do I "big bang" this and emerge as if from a chrysalis Monday morning a new me?

It feels to me as if it is a mid life crisis fueled and brought on by the bladder cancer and the realisation that I am mortal. It is just such a big departure from my everyday cautious self - or is it? Let's face it all I am doing at the moment is typical due diligence and risk analysis - what I haven't brought to the surface or perhaps this is in the back of my mind is the risk and consequence of failure?

I think I think too much. Such is the curse of an INTJ!

Week one

Out of the way, some research started and some ideas are coming together now. I have an inkling of how I can bring this together and some ideas of costs to set up and prices to charge and how that could be achieved.

I'm just going to do some research on my own tree to see how difficult it can be to do the detective work for others. I am making it difficult to find the data by using wider searches and trying alternative spellings (something all too common in this business).

I'm hoping for a bit more inspiration over the next few days and to give myself an opportunity to work out a plan to get the idea to market. It is a little more complex than I first thought mainly due to the way that the web site will need to be structured and the high level of automation I will need to ensure it runs when I am not in the office. This will mean some time to specify what I need and a while to develop the site an the merchant account and shopping basket for it. It is good stuff - I just need to immerse myself in it a bit further so that it gets exciting. I'm not at excited yet - I am at skeptical still.

The morning blues

It is the 4th January 2008 and already I'm getting tested. A nice job came in the e-mail this morning. It would pay the bills, be easy enough to do and be a way of recouping losses on the previous venture but my heart just isn't in it. I really am quite anti getting back involved with anything to do with IT, project management or anything like it. I get tired of telling people what is wrong (what I am paid to do) only for them to yell at me and say I'm wrong and then their whole organisation comes crashing down like a pack of cards and somehow it is my fault.

You may detect a slight flash of anger in that last sentence :-) It does make my blood boil how many times this has happened and how often the problems are identified and various strategies are produced to manage around or past the problem and n one listens or does anything. When the worst happens no one can quite believe it and they all look like creatures emerging from the dark blinking in the sunlight.

So, better off out of it but it makes me feel almost empty to be leaving that all behind. I know I should do it for my health and for my sanity but turning your back on something you've done for most of your life is actually a lot more difficult than you'd think. Anyway, having said that there is an empty feeling there is also a growing idea for the new business which will keep me focused and hopefully get me over this uncomfortable period I am going through now. I imagine it is like getting a divorce or losing a loved one as it feels to be a great part of your life being removed.

Well I've gone and done it

Prompted by an earlier comment I thought why not? So I have put my name forward for consideration for this gig in Chicago in August. I have already written most of the paper and would have to add about another 40 minutes to make it a 1 hour talk.

It should be interesting to see if they fancy me delivering this piece as I'm not a recognised academic. However, I have been published using the same material on three separate occasions so who knows? I now need to wait and see what happens. Final places are awarded in March. Wish me luck.

Bigger decision than I thought it would be

It is quite a taxing problem to deal with. You can kick around all the pros and cons of running a totally new business and to make something that I am a "good amateur" at into a profession. My business training alone will allow me to control all of the day to day things that need to be done.

Surprisingly for what appears a simple business they are a bit daunting as the plans need to include for a level of web based automation as I wont be sitting at the phones or at my PC 24 x 7. This then leads onto the real difference between being an amateur and a professional and having put the time in to make a business that actually works and that isn't a hobby bringing in the odd bit of beer money.



It is taking the first step that is the difficult bit. I remember setting up my own business 10 years ago and having to do exactly that, take that first step into the unknown. Once I had done that, it wasn't so bad and I adapted quickly and the business went along nicely. this time, I'm that much older, in an industry that is potentially one of 80% amateurs and 20% who know what they are about. The first step is the one.



Then there is all the re-branding to be done - I would imagine that it would be quite a conversation piece and that word of mouth and networking will be useful but when was the last time that finding a researcher came up in conversation? It is more than that though - it is like moving away and leaving all your friends behind. Going to a far away land and leaving all the comforts behind, breaking routines, getting outside of your comfort zone and - more than likely - breaking all of those habits I've built up over the past 10 or 20 years.

That is where the battle is taking place at the moment - not that I can't do the job, not that the technical challenges cannot be met - as I know they can but it is the actual getting up and doing it that is hard. The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you are in. The most uncomfortable thing about this is that it is the unknown that holds part of me back and yet the other half of me is screaming "do it!" The rational and the emotional are having a good old fight at the moment. Breaking the bonds I can feel them tearing away one by one as I slowly pull myself out of the baggage of 30 years of supervising other people :-)

I'm sure it will all work out OK in the end. I just hate the procrastination bit I have to go through (the curse of the Project Manager's mindset) as I weigh the options the risks, work out contingencies and all that good stuff. Unfortunately that is me and how I am. It would be good once in a while just to go off and do something on a whim though :-) It would terrify me but a lot of people run their whole lives like that! Wow - exciting...

Enough thoughts for this afternoon - I am getting on with some much needed admin and cleaning up my office.

To be or not to be

And all that malarkey.

I've been invited to submit a paper for inclusion in a convention in Chicago in August this year. I'd love to do it. I need now to convince the wife and children that they would far rather go to Chicago than to New Zealand where I was originally planning to go. Of course - everyone also has an idea where "they" want to go as well - one is possibly heading for University and the other is probably old enough to go with her friends on a holiday with them.

Decisions, decisions. If I go to Chicago I can present some of the research I have been doing for a number of years and perhaps kick start my new career. That would probably mean that I'd be hanging around at a convention for a week whilst the other 3 might be bored out of their minds. Oh well - I have about 2 weeks to make my submission - wish me well as I am not sure who will win this round of "negotiations" . From a totally selfish point of view I really do fancy doing it this time - I was invited a few years ago but really could not afford it and I hadn't prepared my papers either. Since then I have been published a few times so perhaps that would sway the organisers.

All that Jazz

First Wednesday in the Month. For almost 20 years I have been going to the first Wednesday Jazz evening. Subsidised beer and a cheap entrance fee and as much live Trad Jazz s you can handle with warm real ale too! Heaven.

It was a good evening and well worth the walk out in the cold air. We will be getting snow tomorrow - probably the remnants of the US storms of last week - it usually is - and with a few centimetres of dust settling we will probably bring the whole country to a standstill! We can manage this on a few old leaves in Autumn (Fall) or a few flakes of the "wrong sort of snow". Global Warming has yet to kick in around these parts. Roll on the days of mediterranean summers, grape vines in the back garden etc!

I have to say that I am in a really good mood at last after this evening. I hope to have put most of the recent rubbish behind me for at least a day!

Deliberations begin

I'm starting today to set in motion my deliberations for changing my career altogether and taking on a researcher based role focused on family history. The changes to life and what I have done for most of my 35 year working life are immense although, to be fair, I have come a long way from being an Apprentice Electrician to someone who Manages IT and business projects and programmes.

The problem as always with such things is whether or not you have the willingness to change and whether or not you feel you can do it in such a way as to achieve your personal and family commitments. It is all very well having a calling or perhaps a vocation but if it doesn't pay the bills then it is a bit pie in the sky.

The next few weeks will be critical in sorting this out I suppose. I'd like to think that it is all a done deal and that I will do this. There is no doubt that I would enjoy it and make a good "go" of it too. It is the heavy injection of realism that I need to make sure that whatever I do I am not back in the same position as I am now.

New Year here we go

I have been battling with the "what's holding you back?" question these past few days. It is that old nugget - the fear of change itself.

I think that the change will be a good thing albeit that there is bound to be an initial stress level caused by whether or not I can make a go of this. I think once I can work my way through these "obvious" objections I can begin to work out some more of the practicalities.

As is usual I like to plan and spend time making sure I understand the market and that I set things up correctly. I think that 2008 is going to be interesting.

As for health - well I go back on treatment in a few weeks time - another 3 BCG Instillations - Oh and I have to give a pee sample in a few weeks too. Then 12 weeks after I get to go back in for an operation for biopsies - Great - NOT! Oh well, all in a good cause.

Another Resource

This is an excellent resource. I'd like to thank one of the people who kindly stopped by this site who obviously has a lot to do with putting together this excellent resource on Kidney and Bladder and the other related Cancers

http://www.kidneycancerresource.com/wiki/index.php/Main_Page

Same but different

I looked back at last December's posts. There I am, still having problems getting to sleep and still thinking and wondering and planning. Mmmm, perhaps then there is a case here for letting things happen? My Mantra of "those who fail to plan, plan to fail" may be wearing a bit thin if, after all that planning last year, I failed anyway?

But, let's look on the bright side of this - last year I had Bladder Cancer, this year I don't have it any more. Last year it was a roll of the dice whether the treatment would work, now we know it did. I had a great job then, I don't have a job at all as far as I know. I can go and do what I want next year. Life is an opportunity this year coming not a lottery.

No matter what else has gone on, I need to remember and give thanks for the ability to even be here writing this blog on New Year's Eve 2007. Happy New Year to all in 2008.

Well that didn't work

I am still up at 23:35 and unlikely to get to sleep much earlier than a few hours time. I have been working on whether to submit a paper for a conference to be held in Chicago later this year.

I wrote an article some years ago and a fellow researcher has been urging me for a few years to submit this for review and if it gets accepted to go to Chicago and present the paper to a conference of international researchers. It would mean altering plans for holidays around but perhaps it may be worth thinking about.

I'm not sure if Chicago in August is quite what I was expecting - I was half hoping to be in New Zealand!

If my paper got accepted then I would give myself a big leg up in terms of wanting to follow my new research based career! It is a lot to ask of the family - a little selfish or self indulgent but I think I would really enjoy it.

Another night of sleep loss

I don't know why my mind wants to start undertaking massive calculations and what if scenarios as soon as I get to bed? It just does these things and I end up awake 3 hours later!

I am going to try very hard to get to bed early tonight and to not do any work before hand that gets my mind buzzing. It is so disruptive to my normal day as I end up sleeping in and then missing breakfast etc.

Back on subject

I suppose all these things going on have a bearing on my well being. However to get back to the subject and the bladder cancer and all of that. I was surprised that I felt like I was overheating at my friend's house the other day, I had to keep stepping outside as I was too hot. I get this a fair bit and I think it is the treatment. My immune system appears to be able to cope with people around me all having colds and so far, I haven't had one this year.

I find warm houses a problem and yet I have not found problems with hot days? Strange. I am still feeling tired and can fall asleep in my chair at almost anytime. I then go to bed feeling tired and get the thoughts rattling around and cannot get to sleep. That throws me out for the next day time wise and the cycle starts again.

Other than that, I feel OK but I know that I am neither fit nor what I would call well. By that I mean that I know I don't have cancer and that I am getting better each passing day but I am not fit, nor do I feel quite right - out of balance perhaps is the right way of saying it. I just feel not 100% If I were to put a figure on it I'd say 75%. Something isn't quite right and it may be everything getting to me at once, it may be an imbalance in the way my body is fighting one particular area of problems and other areas needs some TLC. Who knows? I think that I will just have to work slowly to tackle each area. Fitness, Diet, Physical and mental agility, whole boy wellness.

It is quite a peculiar thing to say that I don't feel completely right I suppose - but it really is as if there is something missing or something not in the right place. You can't put your finger on it and it isn't all the time. Often it is a malaise or melancholy but generally it is a listlessness or a form of procrastination. I know once I get myself up and out that I will enjoy going somewhere - I just sometimes don't want to get up and do anything.

I'm aware of these things so I can deal with them - I doubt that it is any different for anyone else coming out of an 18 month fight - I would think your whole body and your mind are shot to pieces with all the things that have happened to you. Trying to keep up appearances and lead a "normal" life are probably as taxing as anything else you do.

It will be interesting to see how I deal with this in the coming months.

An overactive mind

I seem to sleep during the day and lie awake at night. Last night I was running through the various scenarios for the potential litigation that I will be involved in at some point during the New Year. did I do everything right, have I acted to the spirit of the contract and all that good stuff. After 3 hours or so running the scenarios around in my head, challenging every possible defence and coming up with arguments for those I finally got to sleep. That must have been about 3 this morning.

It is one of those things I suppose - it isn't going to just go away and it needs to be faced and I am torn whether to just set to and spend a few weeks preparing the case or whether to wait and see what happens. Initially I am happy to let things take their course for the first week of the New Year as there are other forces at work and other creditors will be claiming their money. I can wait for that to happen and then make a decision or can strike first. Waiting is probably best but for no longer than a week.

I do find though that I am spending far too much brain power on that rather than on getting on with things here. Now that Christmas is over I can spend some time getting myself ready for 2008 and decide whether I take that career change or not. Tempting as it is to make the change - you and I know that it will take a lot of thought and planning to make sure that I can actually turn a buck doing it.

So that leaves me trying to work out ways not to keep consuming brain power on something that may or may not happen. It is a distraction I could do without at the moment. I just hope that the the situation gets resolved one way or the other and quickly too.

Still tired

It really takes it out of me - I am nowhere near as fit as I was a year or two back. Someone suggested it was the Statins I am taking as they have gradually felt more tired the longer they have been on them. I'm not convinced - I do get some of the side effects and so perhaps I ought to consider this in the future. I will get back to a regime of gradually building up my exercises again in the new year and hope that it helps me to overcome some of these periods of fatigue. Perhaps it is still the "healing process" going on? Who knows, all I do know is that I am pretty lucky that I don't have to continue this round of parties and eating and drinking for too much longer now. The last one for a while is this afternoon and once that is out of the way I can perhaps just take a long rest.

A Call from US, NZ and some good news

Great to hear a few distant relatives (in terms of miles) on Christmas day. That cheered me up so much I had my Uncle on the phone from the US and my cousins from New Zealand. Christmas day was one of cooking and looking after my guests. They all seemed to have a great time and it was nice to get some "time off for good behaviour" with the phone calls from the family.

Today we went to my sister in law's house for Boxing day afternoon tea. It is close to midnight, I am back and feeling very tired now. I intend to get some time off tomorrow but we have yet another evening of celebrations tomorrow! I wonder if I can take the sheer level of food and drink battering :-)

Gammon is done

The vegetables are prepared and just the last minute things to do on my check list and all will be ready for Christmas Day. Later, as we have done for every year for the last 17 we will be off to our friend's house. The children have all grown up together and so for 17 years they have met up at Christmas Eve and we have started Christmas off with bang.

When the children were younger we would get home about 9 - nowadays we are lucky if we get home at 1 or 2 in the morning!

It is always a great evening out and there is always far too much food and drink available. Once we are on our way then we will know Christmas has begun properly.

I'm pleased to be celebrating yet another Christmas. I feel very humbled that two of my fellow warriors who were diagnosed about the same time have died this year. I shall take some time out to remember them tonight at about 9 pm.

At Last

The new keyboard and mouse have arrived and suddenly things are a lot better and the typing actually comes out how you type it! Nice one.

It takes a bit of getting used to but a wireless keyboard does mean you can move around a little which is great.

The Mouse also works well being an optical one so you don't need a mouse mat and it works on about any surface.

Well that should keep me busy for a while. Well it is Christmas Eve and there is work to be done. not least of which is working out how to set up DVD RW disks for recording TV on and also to go and prepare the food for tomorrow. I also spend the afternoon preparing the Gammon and other such things.

Best wishes for Christmas to all.

Career Changing Thoughts

I have been giving some serious thought to this changing career move I reckon I could actually do this given my determination and also a serous desire now to get out of all the trappings of the rat race. It still makes me see red that people take your service and don't pay the bill. I expect that later next year they wont be quite so smug about having done that The trouble is the sheer amount of effort you have to go to to get back what is after all yours in the first place.

Whether pursuing your dreams or having a vocation actually puts money in your pocket at a rate enough to provide for the family still needs to be worked out. I intend to do plenty of work on whether it is feasible over the next few weeks. I hope to inject a serious amount of realism into the plan but if I can I will branch out into a researcher for family and local history. That would encompass a lot of the experience I already have together with my interest in the subject. If I could get paid to undertake research for those who cannot get to the archives we have in abundance in London, then it would be great as I could pursue my passion for History with a job I'd adore doing.

Now to see if the numbers actually fit together :-)

Saturday and letting go of work

Time to be getting on with life, the universe and all of that!

I have pulled out all the Christmas CDs and started playing those and need to sort out last minute thing along the way such as food preparation and I must get around to putting up the Christmas lights. We have a problem every year in that my wife has a birthday very close to Christmas (it happens every year) and so we don't really get into Christmas until about now. That means that everything is left and we end up cramming a lot into the few days before. At least we aren't sitting around I suppose?

I have ground my own coffee beans and made some real coffee today which has cheered me up no end. I like coffee but have been very careful about how much I consume since diagnosis. I am now a moderate drinker of strong espresso or just filter coffee and we get the strong small French beans which have been roasted to a dark black. Nice :-) I used to drink far too much of this stuff and the filter would be on all day!

So - I am working on slowing down, relaxing and letting go of the baggage I am carrying from this enterprise. I'll see if that is possible over these next few days.

We have a house full on Christmas Day which will be nice. I am looking forward to cooking the meal and to having a sleep later on :-)

Now to get on with Christmas

It has taken until the 21st December to get to a position of standing still and finally there is a way forward for the business which means that the almost start again Which is a shame for them as in about 6 months time this will all happen again and they'll need more money or more time.

So, time to shut down the PCs and take a week or two off from worrying about it. I'm sure all the troubles will be there in 2008, it is just that I won't need to worry about them by then - apart from endeavouring to get my money back through the courts or liquidator.

It is the season of goodwill towards men - meaning all men (and women of course) - and yet I feel an exception or two appearing on my list! I tend to hope that the lives these people have wrecked come to them in their dreams or that somehow they will get a Scrooge like visitation of past, present and future and realise that through their greed and selfish actions they will be bringing destruction on themselves in the future. But then I was was an idealistic and a bit of a romantic about such things. I think everyone gets their just deserts - perhaps thee guys have to live with it every time they look in a mirror? I really do hope so.

Entering a new phase

That is the view so far. Some are for it, some against it and the dice have been rolled and they can make up a new business and move on.

Great, that means that they can decide what to do about my contract and then we can get on and sort this out once and for all.

At least there has been some movement and we can all get on with our lives again.

A Good Old Moan

I was out with a friend of mine and we had a good old fashioned moan and bitching session about where I find myself now and also where he also found himself.

We had a few laughs I have to say. Both of us were at another venture a few years back that had similar problems and both of us lot time and money and had to build up again. I was relatively lucky in that one as I only had a small amount "owing".

The fun really got going when I was explaining part of the problem and it suddenly became clear to me that there was an even worse problem that had arisen about the way the company had undertaken its business and what it was about to do. They cannot make a clean break and dash off into the distance as they would effectively take the debts of the first company with the new one. I am certain no one has spotted this so far and believes that they can take away the intellectual property of the old business and make it the new businesses without the necessary value being placed on it.

I wish I had pursued a career in Law - the things that these guys are doing would fill a shelf :-)

They are all in conversation today about saving the business and I imagine that they will hear bad news from the investors and will need to rethink their position. They have blindly gone off believing their own spin and now - finally - they may "get it".

Again, I keep getting contacted and people want to drag me back to the undertow. I'm watching from a distance, vulture like, to see what I can rescue from the situation as one of the creditors.

A year ago and an interesting review

I looked back at my posts from a year ago. My - life was different then. I was having sleepless nights, wasn't particularly right physically and was wondering about 2007 and what I was going to do.

The year has been great really - soured by recent goings on but other than that to have the clear announcement really is the best thing that could have happened. Sure, getting the insurance money was a bonus too and that just allows us to consolidate everything. Heaven forbid that this comes back - but unfortunately it can - and we have to be ready for that, but at the moment, I've got the all clear. I know a lot of people who would rather have that than the position they are in now.

I think that after a year I have changed. I am not sure I like myself as much now as I feel that I am being more selfish than I ever was in the past. I've always gone out of my way to give my time and help people and I find myself holding back these days and not offering to help as much and taking more of a back seat. I don't like doing it but feel I must. Some of my relationships with friends are being strained - it could be me, work or just that this is the collateral damage I always thought would happen as I turn into a "cancer warrior"? A guy I know who survived cancer welcomed me to the "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" the other day. The survivor's bond is a strange fellowship. Those who haven't had cancer probably wont "get it". A friend who almost died from DVT did get it... I don't suggest you try it unless forced to!!

I still can't quite come to terms with things at the moment. I do feel that now is a major turning point as the business (not mine) crashes down and self destructs around me. Someone suggested teaching - I am looking at becoming a lecturer and I am waiting to hear more about that. I fancy historical and family research to be the thing that I would like to do in the net 10 years. It isn't going to make me rich though but then again, the last venture was going to do that and never did.

You have to kiss a lot of Frogs until you find a Prince!

You don't know how lucky you are

A true statement I find. Someone know just had their daughter die - taken ill one day, dead the next Another person, got the news that their cancer has spread.

A healthy dose of reality is needed occasionally to re-focus my mind onto important things. We all make the mistake of thinking that sometimes trivial things are important when perhaps, it isn't those we should be concentrating on. I don't know many people who can live that way - I don't and yet I have enough reminders to make me do so.

Perhaps my mid life crisis or knowing what is right and resisting changing to follow what I should be doing?

The case of the missing "S"

I hope to soon have a new keyboard. This one has a sticky "S" and it doesn't always work properly meaning I have to go back and edit my posts (or pots). So if something has looked strange these past 4 weeks or so - now you will know what it is.

I have a new keyboard on order.

I have just had to invest in a new printer. This new printer has cost me less than the purchase of 2 of the 4 required cartridges for my old printer. It is cheaper to buy a completely new printer and run that than to use the old one - which at two years old has now had its day! I'm not sure how environmentally friendly that is but commercially it makes sense for me to replace this new printer after the second set of cartridges I put into it. I hasten to add that these are laser printers, ink jets cost far more to run. I also get cash back on the purchase of my new printer meaning that it cost less than £150 to get a really decent colour duplexing laser printer! Amazing!

Tidying up my mind

Needs to be done. I have so much stuff buzzing around that I need to get rid of all of the past stuff and give myself room for the new stuff.

The new ideas for next year are formulating in my head now and I need to spend time testing my assumptions and the market to make sure that they are indeed viable and that I am not kidding myself that a market exists for my services when it may not do.

On the health front I met up with some people that I hadn't seen for ages and everyone said how well I looked. I suppose that is true. I do feel remarkably well these days.

The stress of the past months is going away a bit but it remains to be seen quite what the business decides to do as whether or not I get paid will materially depend on whether or not they continue trading.

Leave it out and leave me alone

After giving me such a hard time and even publishing one of the worst personal attacks I have ever read, today I get a phone call in which they are trying to pave the way for me to come back to the table and start negotiating again????

Are these people insane? The biggest difficulty with these things is that you can never get a clear break from things. I am actually trying to get the hell away from it all before it explodes. I am also trying desperately to get that space you need between the disappointment of one thing and to give me the time to get enthusiastic about the next thing I want to do. Constantly having reminders about what should and should not have happened - it is all a bit too late for that.

Apparently the deadline has been extended to this Friday for a decision. Perhaps after that - the thing can die and everyone else can move on.

Two days and no posts

Stunning. I did get away from it this weekend and feel a bit better for that. I am trying to leave the last couple of months worth of trouble behind me and we were out on Friday and it was my wife's birthday yesterday so we did nothing - no work, no cooking or anything just had a lazy day.

It was tempered by news of a friend whose daughter died unexpectedly last week, taken ill on Wednesday, died on Thursday of bacterial meningitis. An awful tragedy as she was quite young. That put it all back into perspective for me on Saturday morning after not having the best of weeks.

Work can go to hell as far as I am concerned - and they probably will this week by the looks of it. The cold sweat of just how deeply in trouble they are is dawning on them. In an attempt to shoot the messenger and have a go at me, the management (although I doubt you would call it that if you met it) have managed to drive people that they need away from the negotiation table and send them scurrying off to the hills. I have to sit back now and watch it happen, I have written off getting any money back and I'm sure not going to get any of the time back!

Time - that is the thing that has been giving my mind such a work out. I wondered why I was so angry about everything and it is that - someone has wasted 7 months of my time when I could have been doing something more important, constructive, enjoyable etc.

Give it a rest

I certainly intend to do that this weekend. Tonight we are off to a Black Tie do locally and the menu looks great - well it isn't Christmas Fare!

Champagne reception and wine included I am looking forward to spending some quality time amongst friends. Apart from the Christmas festivities themselves - I am out next Monday and that is my lot.

Today I have been working out what I want to do next year and have started gathering detailed information to work out a business plan. I'm not going to say too much about it right now. It is something that I have always wanted to do. If I can make money doing it and, I might even be able to get an academic qualification on the back of it too, I shall be delighted. It would satisfy my want to follow a more controlled and academic career - one perhaps I should have followed from school days. That is a long story too. Anyway, let's see how the number crunching and business plan turn out.

So back to tonight - just about to go and get ready and then a relaxing evening, nothing to do tomorrow except write cards and start the winding down process.

So this new job

I think it needs to have nothing at all to do with medicine or anything (you know) downstairs :-)

I suppose I could go and work in a shop - but unsuspecting Joe Public and I would come to blows over some sort of trivia I have no doubt.

I think that I still have too much pent up anger to do anything in customer relations or help desk or anything like that.

Philanthropy probably wont pay the bills.

Journalism? Possibly - I don't like the way I write particularly but I could perhaps change that?

Go back to being an Electrician - my - I wonder if I could even remember how to do that after all these years? Good tradesmen are always difficult to find.

Oh well - I imagine that all of this will shake itself out in the next few weeks. I grow tired of corporate incompetence and all the self serving, self centred, ignorant and dangerous people. The good bit? I have met some really nice people with great ideas, strength and enthusiasm and we have had a good laugh along the way as well. A silver lining in that amongst all the greed and excesses of human behaviour these guys were beacons of humanity.

I have found it, if I cannot be chief test pilot for Mother Care then I could perhaps be head of Quality Control at a Brewery? Nice job....

Looking forward

I am trying to get away from all this nonsense but keep getting dragged back - I suppose that the reality is that I can walk away but the idiots who remain need to have a go or keep throwing rocks at me. The sooner they sort themselves out (next Monday I believe) the sooner they can move on and I can.

I intend to keep an eye open for the next few weeks and see what transpires and then to perhaps completely change my profession next year. I'm getting far too old for all this constant hassle and ego games that appear to take the place of business acumen and sense. It wears me down and I neither want or in fact deserve any of it.

So, what to do? It has to be something pretty neutral and that pays the bills. I fancy doing research or something totally different - I'm fed up of having to sort out problems (I've been troubleshooting for 30 years) and no matter what I do - people are stupid enough to get themselves into bother even when you tell them how to get out of it or tell them not to get into it in the first place.

So perhaps chief test pilot for Mother-care or something similar may be worth trying for?

Awake

It wasn't quite how I planned things. I decided that I ought to go to bed early and so get some sleep and just make a break of things. Overnight roadworks did it for me! Pneumatic hammer going off well into the early hours of the morning and next to no sleep for 4 hours.

At least I managed to rationalise yesterday's news and sort out a way forward from there.

I think I will give going up to London a miss this afternoon as it looks as if the roadworks will be back and also I am tired enough as it is this morning.

Now the truth comes out

The end game indeed - these guys are now not going to pay for any of the work I did.

At least I can get the hell out of it now and start to sort my life out. I think that they might have made a wrong choice deciding to not pay anything. We shall see how big their lawyers are I suppose.

Hardly worth holding my breath for

The much awaited "way forward" from the business arrived and addresses none of the major issues nor the short term cash flow problems and dresses up and spins its way around using words like "key to our success" but never quite explaining how that would be achieved.

It looks as if the business will continue but it will stagger towards its goals and never be fully comfortable with itself nor be able to function properly given the way it now presents itself. Most investors will, I am sure, move away and go and do something else. I'm not fussed either way now. I've gone past the caring bit and am almost past the worrying part too now.

Someone said that "I didn't need this given all the things that had happened to me" - maybe that is true but it has taken my mind off things. What I am happy about is that I have met a lot of interesting people whilst doing this and I am going to look forward to working with them in the future.

I think the next few days will see the levels of apathy increase (if that can actually happen of course!!) the investors are drifting away now and the end game is truly in sight as those with the money leave and those who have already invested and have sunk cost brace themselves for the storm coming. Cash is king in these situations and many people have to consider digging deeper into their pockets to maintain their investment - not nice.

Time to move on and 2008 looks to be an interesting year. I can look forward to building on a foundation of steadily improving health and can invest my time into projects and opportunities that I want to be involved in.

Fatigue and combating it

I was speaking to someone yesterday who reckoned that I was suffering from what some might call a sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. well I suppose that could be true. I think it is a combination of things and one of them is the utter relief of the outcome of the cancer clear prognosis. I hadn't considered how much you fight this thing mentally until I thought about what she said to me.

I have often said that you need to use your mind to help you and that it was always two battles. The mind is powerful and if you can imagine that there is a constant dialogue going on about whether or not you feel up or down, accept or deny what is happening, psyche yourself up or down to take good or bad news etc, you must be using up massive amounts of your reserves to fight your cancer with your mind. Additionally lets consider the physical side too.

I'm a relatively fit 50 year old and have been doing some exercise but - the impact on your body isn't one of wasted muscles and can't really be seen - they certainly stir up you insides around your bladder area. I'm sure that your whole balance is shot to pieces and with Immunotherapy actually making your body fight the cancer (or keep it away) the other areas of your body are totally out of balance with that.

Anyway, I am coming to the conclusion that at the end of this week I am switching off and I am going to take some more time for myself. I am sure that all I need is to turn off the computers, get my walking boots on and enjoy some of the local countryside, a few pints of real ale next to an open fire and also to get into the Christmas mood too.

It isn't easy to switch off but it is something I must do.

The 2nd Christmas Lunch

Out of the way - we had a lovely time and it really was a good meeting with over £1000 raised for charity as well.

My third in as many days awaits later today and it will take my mind off of the disappointment of the past few weeks with the job.

We might actually know later on today what they are going to do about things.

Tired and Weary

It is amazing just how tired I am feeling. I am absolutely certain that this is the the relief of the situation and the job and everything else all coming to roost.

I want to get on and do things and I am dragging myself around to do other things as well. I could sleep for a week but I am not sure it would sort this malaise out.

I am going to try and come to terms with this down the week.

A Good Day

Despite the rain which fell down as I was half way to the station. Despite that I did have a great time. The icing was to win the raffle - I won a gallon of Whisky - 4.5 Litres! I was pretty impressed with that - it should provide me with headaches for many years to come!

I managed to catch the second to last train home and there was hardly anyone on the train and the rain has stopped by the time I got home.

I am feeling a little tired now though - We are off out for Christmas meal number 2 in a few minutes. I have another one tomorrow! Three in three days - I will be sick of the sight of Turkey by Christmas.

However, I need to work on this fatigue - I am certain that it is the job and the worry of it all. Time off - that is what is needed.

Rain and Public Transport

Annoying is what it is. I live a fair way from the station and today, of all days, no one is around to drop me off to the station and the rain and wind are coming in. It is just typical!

So - that said - I hope to arrive not too much like a drowned rat to what is always a lovely Christmas meeting and just relax for the afternoon.

It doesn't matter how much I convince myself that work doesn't matter I still keep thinking about it so I do hope that I can lose myself this afternoon and not worry about it.

Lunch and onwards

My friend and I had lunch today and hardly talked about our health - which is great as we talked about work and futures and other things and at last I felt good again. I feel sick to my stomach over the business side of things as it look totally shady and dodgy to me now.

Not to worry too much about it I can get on and do something else now. I have almost decided that unless there is some compelling event to make me want to stay there that I shall move on and do something different. I have the diary from hell for the next week. I am actually out every day except Wednesday! A lot of that is at Christmas events. I start tomorrow with a Lodge meeting, then a family lunch on Sunday, another Lodge meeting on Monday, out with school chums Tuesday, Wednesday is a rest day - Thursday is with some old work colleagues and Friday is a black tie do locally. I also have a meeting on the 17th to go to as well. The trouble is I may not make something else I have planned that evening.

At least it will take my mind off of my present troubles.

Tired and Fed Up now

I'm getting mighty fed up with the uncertainty of the situation with work at the moment. Every time they attempt to "communicate" they make things worse. Divide and Rule and blatant self protection are key components of their strategy (if indeed they have one).

All this does is make everyone more anxious and it wears me down as I get no nearer to finding out if they will pay me or indeed whether they have the ability to pay me. They are a little perplexed why I don't appear to be wanting to do any work at the moment? Working with amateur and little people wasn't where I wanted to be but here I am and like many I am pretty annoyed that they can't deal with the situation they got themselves into.

I hardly need the pressure and I am now working out ways to get on and do something else as I don't see much of a future there.

I said I'd give this venture 6 months and funnily enough at 6 months all looked great. It is less than 3 weeks ago that the business shot itself in the foot and brought itself to its knees. So at 7 months - perhaps the ideal is to get on and out of this and move on to something that I might enjoy and something that I can get on and do myself and not have to deal with amateurs.

I need to still work on how tired I feel - it is in no short measure due to me having to keep working through strategies for a business that - at the end of the day - looked at them and decided to take the illogical route out. I think they have caused me to lose enough sleep and caused me enough worry. I just need to go and take some rest and build myself up for something new in the New Year.

Tired

I am so tired. I have been yawning all day and just wanting to get to sleep. Unfortunately I cannot for the moment as I am waiting for a phone call and a delivery. The last thing I need to do is miss either.

I'm guessing that this is the culmination of the past month's stresses and strains and - it wouldn't surprise me - if it was also something to do with the great relief that not having cancer means. Perhaps you build up a level of stress or you are "fighting" by that I mean you are standing up to things mentally and physically and this may be a wave of relief as well as the reaction to the stress of the business over the past few weeks.

I will try and get some more rest and also to get away from thinking about work for a while. The fatigue is marked though, I really feel drained and so I suppose it is lucky in a way that I am not spending time on the road and driving around the country.

Picking up and moving on

This is what I could be doing from anytime in the next week or so. I'm waiting to hear whether the business will continue or not. If it does, what my part will be - if any.

It is all rather surreal at the moment. It is a no-mans land of indecision and posturing between business and investors. As long as they keep at this - nothing really gets settled. If they get anything settled this week or next we wont be able to move ahead until January anyway.

I'm sort of sat here doing nothing much as the situation could all change at any minute. Realistically, I probably need to be planning for my next job though as if it goes on any longer, the chances of being able to rebuild get more distant.

Jazz Night

My goodness - I have been going to the Jazz night for 19 years :-(

Next May marks the 20th Anniversary of us going to the Jazz night and it was just before we moved into the house we live in now. Blimey - I was just 31 years old when I first went So many people have come and gone. My friend - who invited us to start with would have been retired 20 years next year he tells me!

EEEeeeeekkk. I am getting old :-) and so is he.

I cannot believe that I have been going out on the 1st Wednesday in the month (most of the time) for a Trad Jazz evening for the best part of 19 years - now that is a commitment.

It is a great night out and just an escape from every day stuff. Cheap beer and a really nice bunch of people and good live music. You cannot fail than to be uplifted by it.

Long may I continue to go and enjoy it. The trouble is the band only comprises one member from the original bunch now!

Ongoing Side Effects

This is the ongoing side effects not the ones you get at the time which are (or can be) severe. I've spoken about these before. The BCG side effects seem to be that these days I am quite warm. It feels as if my body temperature is up a degree or two but it isn't. I wonder if my circulation is better perhaps? I certainly feel warm and find warm rooms uncomfortable to sit in. I need to have fresh air or a cool room.

Colds - I am probably tempting fate here. I don't think I have had a cold since July 2006! I certainly don't remember having anything other than a runny nose perhaps and I was really worried about catching things off the children when I was having treatment and I never did.

Tired - I think that may be through work - last night I slept the whole night and so I was pleased with that.

Visiting the toilet a lot - I didn't need to get up during the night which is the other side effect. I go to the loo more than ever when I am in treatment and for a few weeks afterwards. The problem is that it can be every 30 minutes and so planning is essential. I can probably last 2 hours now but it is very noticeable that dashing to the toilet every 30 minutes is the norm!

Aches and Pains - Not really painful but more nagging and twinging reminders and a general uncomfortable feeling. I can't wear tight trousers and so have now graduated from jogging bottoms to elasticated waist trouser. I should be alright next week for getting back into something like normal clothes.

So a list of the problems - none of them that bothersome.

Typical

I got back and just missed the delivery man who was dropping off some good I have bought. Hopefully he will be along tomorrow and drop it off.

Well it was a nice day with my parents and I suddenly realised that I must have lost about 1/2 stone or possibly more in the month since I last saw them. I think the treatment and also the stress I have been under must be attributed some of that.

Visiting your parents is great a I still get spoilt so I can forget calories, Cholesterol and the like. Glad I didn't get any Castor Oil or Cod Liver Oil thrust down my throat though.

Off tomorrow

To my parents for a couple of days. I've had enough of the last month and all the positioning and politics and nonsense and I realised just how tired it has made me and fed up too.

A few days just doing nothing else will take care of it.

As someone once said the problems will still be there later this week and probably next week too. They got themselves into the mess and they can get themselves out of it.

Some interesting stuff on this web site

If you can stomach it that is.

The Site is here http://www.bladder-cancer-course.org/

It actually shows you someone getting treated with BCG - so I'd suggest that you only watch the video if you really are OK with squeamish stuff.

Other than that it is a very interesting web site.

So when do you start feeling good about yourself?

I ask this only in as much as today, probably for the first time since I got the clear (1st November), I can actually sit down, without a pile of work to do that I haven't and probably wont get paid for and just think about myself and my health.

All that has happened since I got the news has been just about the most ridiculous and basic management blunders that I have been running to fix and when I fix one, they rip open something else and I go and fix that. Well, the end game is afoot on that in the next few weeks. I am leaving them to it and will spend my time working out quite what I want to do next. They robbed me of my celebrations and the last 3 BCG treatments were a bit of a respite and a good excuse not to get too involved, travel around and just get agitated with some of the morons who have brought the business to its knees.

So what about today then? Well - in all the chaos - I see that it is now December. I haven't bought one present, written one card, or done the yearly newsletters either. Ooopps! So I reckon that one of the first things to do today is to work out my time for the next couple of weeks and to set aside plenty of time to do those. I need to wade through the wreckage that is my office. There are piles of unfiled papers which need putting away properly, post it notes are everywhere and I need to consolidate all the things they say to do and make one definitive list of to dos.

And relax and party are on my list of things. I haven't relaxed and partied and celebrated and generally been able to feel good about myself and I feel cheated over that. Luckily, a number of friends have lined up some outings in London and locally so I am looking forward to spending some good days and evenings out with them.

It is about time that I got selfish - I intend to do that.

Off for a nice evening

I hope so anyway - to a friend's house for drinks and some food - he is an excellent Chef so we can be assured of nice food and good company too. I could do with that after the last couple of weeks of turmoil.

It has been a month since I got the good news and I don't think I have stopped working, losing sleep and worrying since then. Tonight will be a real break from all of that.

DO I feel a weight lifted?

In a way, now that I have resigned part of my duties I do. Of course, now there are people whinging that I resigned! Perhaps they should have thought about that earlier. Anyway, as it was, I didn't have much in the way of a choice really.

I'll feel a lot better in a few days time I am certain. By then there should be a consensus on a way forward and perhaps many will have taken a "reality pill" and come back down to earth.