Sweaty Palms or what

What a funny old day.  I got to the station fine through the snow and my train was there and wasn't corwded.  I was still the only one sitting in shirt sleeves though.  The reaminder of passengers were togged up against the Arctic chill and yet how on earth could they get any benefit after bing in a hot train for 20 minutes or more?

I got to work and it was quite hot.  I was able to grab time outside as we have a door to the garden area.  However, I was hot everyone else was cold.  I went for lunch and came back even hotter than before!  Crazy.  So I decided to come home and I am just cooling off a bit.  I will have to change my clothes though as I am so hot and so sweaty.  I guess that was just me burning up worrying about getting into and out of work.  The rest of this week will also be half days as I have a number of other things to do.  I don't mind as at least I can avoid rush hour trains and try and get back to some semblance of normality.

I'm out again tonight - in fact out every night this week and both days over the weekend too.  Bang goes any chance of a diet.

I see that Mike and HK in Toronto are having various things done to them this week and let's hope that it works out for them.  HK had a torrid time with BCG and could do with some good news.

I'm just happy to have gotten home without a panic atack or anything else other than a high temperature which is gradually coming down now.   I will repeat the journey tomorrow and see how I get on.

Slowly Slowly Back to Work

I am still feeling extremely apprehensive about getting back to work and have told the boss that I am going to do this gradually this week and so half days.  I start tomorrow.  I will be taking early or later trains and just see how I get on.

The sheer feelings of panic and stress are clear in my mind and it is interesting to note that some of this may be hormonal and adrenal which kind of makes sense in a way as I reckon that my whole body has been whipped to bits these past three years or so and it just needs to try and regain its equilibrium.   Your hormone balance takes a hell of a whack and adrenaline gets used up and not fully replaced.

I wasn't surprised to read some of the stuff about Claustrophobia especially the suffocating feeling you get with it.  The Panic attacks and the feeling that you are going to die provokes a run away from it need and the trouble is you are normally trapped and cannot do that - hence that feeling of being trapped just gets worse.  Unless you've had a panic attack you really cannot understand the terrifying nature of it nor of the havoc it wreaks on you.  Chest constrictions, heat and hot flushes and sweating, nausea, double vision - yuk it is pretty awful.

I know my mother has this and it seems to be a bit of a family trait.  Anyone who hasn't had it probably cannot understand it but I imagine it is how drowning or suffocating or being caught in a fire or trapped in wreckage - like in a building after an earthquake must feel.   

I need to consider what to do about these attacks though as whilst I had some of these before I cannot remember them being as intensely upsetting as they have been this past year.  This time last year because I was trapped in my own head with both ears infected and me being deaf for about a month I was in a bit of a mess.   I was able to control it as I was at home and could look out of a window or go outside.  On a train and an more so underground trains I just have nowhere to go.  I thought I might get like this in St. Petersburg at the Hermitage where they did suggest the crowds were bad but I was more aware of watching out for pickpockets than being in a crowded place and I was with a guide and as I normally am, I was prepared and could actually move around and determine courses of action to mitigate any unforeseen circumstance.

I'm actually quite worried about this now as I worry about if I ever have a cold like I did last year will I just end up dying of suffocation or just stress myself out completely.

People that know me realise that I'm just not like this normally.  I exude confidence and self belief and here I am quaking in my boots worried about getting on a train and going to work and worried about how I'll get home.  In fact, it is the loss of control or normality that has added to the uncertainty and doubt that feeds the phobia.  I must ask my friend if he can undo any of this for me.   

I'm actually frightened and I can only think of a few times in my life when I have actually been this scared of anything.  Cancer itself and all the early stuff was frightening.  Seeing a guy running amok with an Axe years ago was pretty frightening.  Being deaf and ill.  Having a policeman pull a gun on me was sobering.  Seeing a guy get glassed on a train and subsequently going to court was scary.  Being on the edge of the riots in London and missing at least 5 or 6 major bombings were also scary.  realising that only a few weeks after I stopped commuting that I may have been on a train that was involved in a major accident and when I thought I was in the middle of an earthquake in Italy too could be deemed scary.  Those sorts of frightening experiences shook me up for a long time.   This current anxiety isn't as extreme in terms of the immediacy of it.  This is more a pent up fear and I have no idea how I will get on tomorrow with travelling in.  I fully intend to get up early and just see how I do.  If I can't hack it - I can get off the train and come home.  

I'm not looking forward to this one bit but I have to do it I guess.  It seems a strange notion that some of the things I fear are pretty much not possible (running out of air on the train for example) but that is what it feels like and in a panic attack that really starts your breathing problems!

New Week

Well - I've had a bit of time off this week to reflect on things and I have decided not to go into work tomorrow but just see how the trains are holding up.

It is difficult to tell people who don't or haven't suffered from claustrophobia exactly what it is like and it really has got more acute these past few years and even since the illness last year.   To try an put it into some sort of perspective it feels to me like someone has stuffed a huge weight on my chest so that I can't breathe and the harder I try to calm down the more frantic I get to try and breathe.  At the same time, I can feel my head beginning to buzz and feel as if it is under pressure as if before going in to  a feint.  Then comes the rising panic of wanting to be out of wherever I happen to be at the time.  Everything is hot and airless and that makes it even worse.

I really need to get some control of this.  I rarely have it at home but can do when I have a heavy cold and when that cold renders me deaf as I am trapped inside my own body.  I can easily sort that out by going to a window or standing outside.  

It sounds like I'm a right wimp having this sort of thing, the tinnitus and everything else - in fact the past few years have seen my body breakdown really but I'm not decrepit or particularly ill in that way.

I'm going to check tomorrow to see if the trains are running properly and then set out a series of actions to ease myself back to work.  I have to say that I really don't fancy the idea at all at the moment and perhaps I will need to just go part time or sort something out.  I really am having difficulty with the travelling side of it.  It is as if my body is telling me something about work, travel or some other message that I'm not getting yet.

I need to sort it out soon though as I don't want to continue this situation into the foreseeable future and I need to be able to travel without the fears of being cramped or trapped on a train or any other situation  arise that I cannot handle.  

I really am surprised at how bad I feel about this - I even get it in cars as well these days.  I can only imagine it is past experiences, bladder cancer  and recent events that have made it worse.

Trapped inside

The weather is pretty terrible and I hope that it starts to clear soon.  I really could do with getting into work next week especially on Tuesday and Thursday when I have meetings.

The trains are still running an emergency timetable, setting low expectations and then failing to meet them.  I still find that the prospect of cramped, slow, airless, overly heated trains fills me with dread and I will certainly not travel until I feel less threatened and intimidated by the journey.  If it continues into next week I might well look to getting up to town and staying at a Hotel or something similar.  

Anyhow, this long spell of snow and ice has at least allowed me to sit here and catch up with my own work.

Not going in today

The big freeze continues and I dropped a note to the boss today explaining a bit more about why I'm not coming in whilst the transport is so bad.

I've had to admit something that I don't admit to many.  I hadn't realised or owned up to the fact of quite how bad my claustrophobia has become and it is as if a weight has been lifted that I have now made him aware of the situation.

I control and manage this, as you probably know, through routine and other techniques but uncertainty over whether trains run or not and the overcrowding this could cause are just too much for me to cope with as I need control and order to manage the panic attacks that can be caused by over crowded, hot and airless trains etc.

I am stuck at home and will be until they sort the transport out to my satisfaction.  I cannot believe though how bad this has become.

You Just Never Know

The snow came along and in fact it looks less than the lot before Christmas but there are warnings of a band moving through later.  I decided not to go and try my hand at the revised train timetable and so didn't get ferried up to London on a cattle truck or have to suffer worrying about whether or not I'd get home.

It is amazing when the advice is to stay away, severe disruption to travel and all this and employers expect people to make it in to work.  As I am both employer and employee I let myself off.  I don't suppose my work are too impressed but it isn't as if I am a member of the emergency services or had anything worth getting freezing cold for and also, knowing my disposition to hot and crowded trains and overcrowded carriages, worth me getting all stressed out for either.

Yet you know employers will be making people drag themselves into work in trying circumstances that could see them taking hours to get in just to go home again when they could work from home like I am today.

An interesting piece on the BBC web site today about surviving cancer HERE.  It is one of the major things that I have noticed about my treatment.  Not just the tiredness but the weight problems, the lethargy and the terrible bone weariness I sometimes encounter.  On many occasions I have blogged about the state of my mind and what having cancer has done to that including the memory problems and the inability to find the right word to explain myself during conversation and when writing.  Then there are the moods and the emotional roller coaster and things like my claustrophobia and panic attacks.  I've done a bit about these myself with hypnotherapy and controlled breathing and other mitigating actions.  The trouble is that as this article states, they treat the illness but not the whole person.  There really should be some sort of holistic approach that could be taken but Doctors are doctors of medicine and they repair and put that right.  You can't expect them to do the fluffy bit as well I suppose but someone really needs to as it is as much a part of Cancer as the physical symptoms are. 

Travel Nightmare

Without a flake of snow they managed to lose all signals in the local area and so I came home early and had to make a series of tactical rail journeys.  I wasn't going to get caught on the one train they had going out that three or four times the number of passengers that would normally be carried were meant to get on.

Mission accomplished and I managed to take the Underground and another two trains and got home safely before the snow - which has just started - prepares to dump up to a foot on us.  The train company were going to go onto emergency timetabling tomorrow come what may and frankly I can do without living like a sardine, it just starts my claustrophobia off again and I get pretty panicky these days in situations like that.  I can keep it under control in normal circumstances but not when they pack us into really hot overcrowded trains.

It beggars belief that they want us to try and make it into work tomorrow.  It is in fact crazy as why spend two or three hours each way when I could get up and start work in my office here and deliver perhaps three hours or more work on top of my working day.  I despair that these old fashioned views still exist.  They still have a lot to learn.  I'd rather not get paid and get on with something else if they don't like it.

I'm just waiting for A to get back in she is walking back from the local pub so shouldn't be too long.  The weather has turned though and so I'll just wait up and make sure she is safely in before I turn in myself.

They say this is going to be the worst snow for 30 years.  If so - I remember that week well as we were stuck in our old house and couldn't get into work for a week!  

I hate commuting

It was OK this morning as the new Train timetable has an earlier train with longer carriages and so I get plenty of room.  They are still stupidly over heated even though it is minus 4 or 5 you don't need to boil passengers like they do.  Me?  I have to take off my coats and scarf etc. to sit down and yet others doggedly sit there with full hat, scarf, gloves and all on and honestly the carriage has to be 25 or more degrees C.  It is crazy.  Tonight I decided to get an earlier train and feel that I may now do that more often as it goes about 20 minutes earlier than the one I normally catch and is a little less crowded.  I still have these claustrophobic reactions and tonight needed to open the window on the train for 10 minutes or so before we moved off.  Again just so hot I could hardly breathe.

I notice that since my treatments I am a lot hotter than other people, I am always warm and need to be in cool rooms and transport.  If I have to sit in the furnace like conditions of some of these trains I get problems breathing which takes me a lot of effort to control.  

I have arrived home to find that a friend's wife has died over the weekend.  She had been ill for many years and had not been in great health.  I often hear the words "it was a relief" and maybe that is true for her and her husband but even so, it must still be a shock to the system and I've been asked not to call and so I wont.  I do not deal with death particularly well at the best of times and post BC find it acutely upsetting when experiencing it at funerals or similar situations.  I could handle it quite well before all of this and can gaze on my own demise stoically but show me anyone else suffering or losing a loved one and I find that I am not able to cope with it.  Let me talk to a cancer victim and discuss the symptoms, treatment, potential outcomes etc and I'm fine with that too.

Back to Work

No doubt the alarm will come as a bit of a shock in the morning and that the cold walk to the station will start the return back to work off in a not too pleasant way.  We are in quite a cold snap at the moment but we are not as bad as Scotland which appears to be in the -15 Degree area and that's Centigrade none of your woolly Fahrenheit nonsense.

I've spent the day plotting out what the year looks like in terms of appointments and meetings and so far it looks to be pretty much panning out to be suitably busy.  I have my wall planner set up and also a brought forward file to put all my paperwork in this time!  It makes for easier remembering where I have put things.

2010 is one of those years, I feel, where things are going to happen either planned or by serendipity.   Curiously, though, I don't have the usual plan worked out on what I am going to do and how I am going to get there.  

The adventure starts tomorrow - let's see where it leads me.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life

It is strange that as you travel on your journey post Cancer that the threat exists for as long as you live and is always with you in some way or the other.  I was reading Steve Kelley's Blog and especially this really interesting piece mapping out the journey ahead.  It occurred to me being a Project Manager that the successful outcome of the journey would be to die naturally without Cancer having reoccurred.

You'll have to excuse the morbid way I just wrote that but actually that would be a result I think.   I don't think I am any more susceptible to another Cancer but I am perhaps more likely to get Bladder Cancer again.  I'm not planning on that but it is a possibility that grows more remote the more clears I get.

Going back to Steve's posting - the mapped out journey has no end date and as a Project Manager you always like to see something concrete delivered.  A Programme is slightly different as it can continue to move and grow and doesn't always have an end point defined at the beginning.  

Until I can get my head around not having a definitive end point I think that I am going to continue to struggle with coming to terms with Bladder Cancer.  I've reflected many times on the fact that if you break a bone or have an  illness, in general terms there comes a point in time when you were back to the way you were before.   That doesn't happen in cases of serious illness because it messes with your head as well as your body and I can't see a point where I'd be "back to normal".   I'm still amazed at how some people react when they meet me and find out I had Cancer, they almost do a double take and they just utter the strangest things.  I wonder if I would be one of those people if I hadn't have experienced this first hand?

Because there isn't going to be a sign off and a point where the Doctors say "go away" or  "you're all done now", because I am going to be having blood tests and check up every year and perhaps, like Steve's plan, a Flexible Cystoscopy for every year of my natural life, this will just stretch on to my last days.   I think that the UK might be different though in terms of moving the inspections to longer distances so they go out to 18 months, 24 months, 36 months etc.  I'll find out all about that in April and May of this year I hope.

I hadn't really managed to grasp this point until I looked at Steve's chart and considered that this is no one off project it is a full on programme (program) which has multiple facets, multiple outcomes, hundreds of possible paths and priorities and Bladder Cancer is one of the major work streams pulling every other part of the programme along with it.  It is no single entity, not one thing to deal with, it affects everything I do and almost every decision I make.  It is a single reference point and commands the highest priority in decision making and actually, in that way alone it is also the commonest excuse for not doing something and procrastination.

Dealing with the "depression" that this brings is the most important thing for me this year.  I use the D word and yet whilst I am certain it is that - it isn't anything like the Black Dog Depressions I used to get a few years ago and which thankfully don't affect me any more.   This is the feeling that I am on the scrap heap job wise and all those years of experience and lets not beat about the bush, money that used to go with those jobs may well have gone now.  It was poignant when my kid brother told me he had to take a pay cut to stay in his job last year.  His pay cut was more than I brought in for the whole year.  That felt like a wet fish slap around the face.   Money isn't everything and I probably don't need to do that sort of work any more anyway and I don't really need the money I suppose.  However, that needs to be resolved this year.  The current job could be done in a few days a week not full time and I really want to get involved in my other business venture where I can.  

So one side of the problem - I'm not using my brain enough, my skills aren't being used and I'm well enough now (I think) to move on to something a bit more challenging but where that is I don't know.  Many think I should hold onto this job.  I'm good at it and I have the ability to make it my own, perhaps make a bigger role and I know that I am guaranteed work to 2017 - so what is the problem?  Many would say that you should accept and carry on - "go native".  That would never work I can't just 9 to 5 and not make a difference especially in an organisation that works like it is still in the 1960s.  

On the other hand - things aren't so bad with my health and coming out of the rough bit of the BCG treatments and being clear for quite a while should give me confidence to move on.  In fact I am happy to move on but I find that I will probably be plotting a solo course on this.  What I want to do and what everyone else wants to do are quite different and no one wishes to share that with me.  So another side of the problem is that try as I might to move things on, if I am not getting the support to do them, then this too will add to the dilemma.  

Some time ago I mentioned that the difficult part of the whole thing was that you can't change people's reactions to your Cancer.  They have to deal with it themselves and when I was at my most cynical a few weeks ago I dared suggest that perhaps they expected me to die rather than live and haven't worked out how to live with a ghost yet :-)  

So whilst everyone has been most supportive and stuck with me throughout this pretty torrid time,  they may not be the most appropriate people to go ahead with and move forward.   

It now depends how you value your friends and family and how whether you are prepared to burn bridges.   I would hate to do that and having lost a few friends because of Bladder Cancer (I'm still in touch but they couldn't deal with it and went into quiet mode), I'm not sure dumping those that helped me through the hard times is a good strategy and yet, it may be necessary for my own well-being and peace of mind in the long run. 

This may not be the first day of the rest of my life but I think that I have finally put a few more pieces in place to help me decide what to do next.   To continue in a way that sees me dissatisfied with life, the universe and everything is not the way forward.  I can take away the assumption that there is an end point to BC and remove that from my calculations.  I can take away the possibility of recurrence and just have to deal with it if it happens.  I have to tackle and weigh the options on whether to shrug off the hands that hold me back and go and do what I want to do rather than try and gain a quorum or gain levels of acceptance or grudging agreement.   I'm very good at keeping the peace, promoting the Status Quo and being the good guy, always bending to fit in but perhaps it is time now to change that and do something about it.

To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question......... or is it?

Life can be so complicated can't it :-)

New Year Resolutions

Easily broken in my experience. Mine are still to try and keep healthy and get better each day and to get out of the rut I'm in. The only thing stopping me is myself I reckon.

I really can't be arsed with work or much else at the moment - only in as much as I have other things to do and through wasting my time these past days just haven't gotten around to doing any of them. Even my wall chart is out of date, no calendars have been changed or anything so tomorrow (well later today) I ought to do that.

I'm not happy with myself these days, I must tackle all the things I should be doing without hiding behind the fallout from my condition. It is time to try and wrestle back some control now and see where that gets me.

Happy New Year

Well here we are 2010. Another year and another one that I'm happy to be alive in.

I took myself off to the Hospital today to get a blood test for my GP so they can continue to prescribe me all my heart pills. It was a good move, I got up late and wandered down there gone 11 and there were 5 of us in the queue which meant about a 10 minute wait and I was done and on my way home. Suitably rewarded with some left over bacon from Christmas I decided I might as well finish off all the fatty, calorie heavy stuff now as I won't be touching that again for a long while.

I'm now going to concentrate on losing weight and getting back into shape again as well as trying to get back some of my lost get up and go which has got up and went.

A look back at the last 10 years tonight on TV gave plenty of food for thought and yet no one mentioned my little milestones - perhaps best left behind and move on. It's a bit like having had a very bad cold for 3 years! Not :-)

Let us hope that this next decade brings us a little peace in this world and some massive improvements in Cancer detection, prevention, treatment and cure.

Tiredness working out

Well for the 3rd day running I haven't got up past 11 in the morning which is a bit crazy.  I guess I ought to try and get going first thing tomorrow if I can as I'm losing half a day at a time this way.

I hope that I have managed to set up a new Gadget on the Blog that links to another resource for cancer.  Let's see how that works out.

One thing I am a bit remiss at is tagging my posts.   I need to come up with some simple headings I guess that filter searches for readers.  Something else on my growing "to do" list for 2010.

My DVD Player is driving me mad as it has a DVD stuck inside and will not spit it out.  The crazy thing is that it is a known issue but the published solution doesn't work!  Doh!  Tomorrow I will try a few tips off of the Internet.  As always happens with me the device is about 18 months old and out of warranty.  The Surround Sound DVD Player I have is working (when it feels like it) and so I managed to watch a few of my DVDs today.  

A managed to scratch her car today and is a bit cheesed off and upset with herself.  Not everyone gets it when all I ask is "Did anyone get injured or hurt in anyway?"  A bashed piece of metal is just a bashed piece of metal after all.  She is furious with herself for it but maybe she will see my way of thinking when she calms down a bit.  It really doesn't matter and in the overall scheme of things is nothing to get upset about.

Off to bed a little earlier tonight to see if I can get in a little less sleep than recently!

A Bit of R&R Coming up

It is one of the joys of Christmas meeting family and friends (and of course "Waste of Oxygen Man"). The trouble is, with so much entertaining you tend to wear yourself out pretty much and today was a chance to get our breath back and we did absolutely nothing after cleaning up the mess from the night before.

I can't say I'm in the best of humour as both my DVD player and recorder appear to have malfunctioned as does my Hi-Fi but hey, what are the January sales for otherwise!

I need to do a bit of taking stock tomorrow as I have managed to squander my days leading up to and after Christmas and have achieved next to nothing. This time next week I'll be back at work and so I ought to catch up with all those things that need doing.

Time to sort out New Year resolutions - I ought to go and look back at the last few years and see what I said then!

The Day After the Day After

I'm still a little stiff from my ice fall but otherwise I'm OK.   Yesterday the whole family (Mrs. F's side) A and her boyfriend and the rest descended on us.  The "waste of oxygen" at least managed to get through the day and to not vomit on my carpet like a few years ago so that was a result.  I can't believe how much he winds me up and I'm generally very good with most people.  Perhaps it is his complete disregard for others?  At least I don't have to see him until the next funeral, wedding or Christmas next year!

Why people tear arising around and get stressed out just because friends are coming I have no idea.  Of course they get even more stressed out when I tell them to slow down and take it easy.  This sort of stressy stuff during the holidays really isn't necessary.  Again we have 13 or so guests  coming around this afternoon.  I have slunk back here to my sanctuary to get a bit of peace and to also count to 100 before going downstairs and trying not to be flippant, sarcastic,  level headed, sensible and all the other things that people who know me would realise would stress anyone else out completely.  So I'm doing a bit of a United Nations bit, making a tactical withdrawal and will re-appear in time to take the plaudits or to wind Mrs. F up even more.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I can start to get some relaxing back into the Festive break.  We just seem to have been on the go non stop. 

Christmas Morning Not The Start I Wanted

We departed our friends at about 2:35 in the morning.  As I approached the car I realised that I was, in fact, slipping down the hill on a sheet of ice.  Not good they live on quite a slope and carrying a box to the car, trying to retain my balance in new leather soled shoes - well, you can probably piece together the slow motion of the event.

At first it was slightly amusing as I started to veer away from everyone and then as I picked up speed and moved to retain balance realised that I was going down one way or another  The fact that I hit our friends car then fell into the road beside it may have been a good thing as I didn't career into the road itself!

There was lots of concern, of course, my injured pride and the annoyance of anyone who dared thought I may have drunk too much.  However, most were concerned that I hadn't broken anything and indeed, I don't appear to have done.  I landed about as gracefully as you can falling forward with the box in front of me which broke my fall, then on my knees and hands and smacked into the wheel of the car, gutter and kerb.  

I am very lucky as I just have bruised upper left arm, slight bruise to my left thigh and on the palms of my hands, again more on the left hand.  No grazes or cuts and no broken skin anywhere.  I was singularly unimpressed that the pavements (we walk on the pavement in the UK BTW - something lost in translation somehow) were left so bad, anyone older could have a broken hip or arm.  My friend managed that last year.    We tend to forget all about people and just look after the cars.

Christmas Day has gone well although I do find it a bit tiresome being with my sister-in-laws partner.  He really is a waste of Oxygen (and I'm being nice to him).  I'm very good that I share my Christmas with him and don't get him sectioned.  I have ever met such a total waste of space and he has the social skills of an amoeba and has quite the worst manners.  However, somehow we manage to "do our bit" for the environment and I suppose it is only once  year.  Unfortunately it isn't up to me, but if it were I would have to make an exception to "goodwill to ALL men" at this time of year.  It will be my turn to host him on Sunday but there will be more of us and we can amuse ourselves taking cheap shots at him :-)  I don't mean to be cruel but he doesn't like getting dragged along and makes that quite clear.  it is only my sister-in-law who doesn't get the message.  The things I do to keep the peace :-)

Oh well - it is Christmas after all.

Here we go

And the Honey roast Ham is cooked, and now carved up ready for three or four days worth of feasting. Mrs. F. and L are at Church and I am now ready to start my Christmas. I am ready to party and we are off to our long-term friends house to do just that - plenty of beer and lots of food.

Away Calories count half I think is the accepted rule and I am ignoring my normal diet and going onto the high cholesterol, high fat, one :-) Well may be not going that mad but for a few days I think I can let my hair down a bit. The New Year will see changes a plenty and I think I can let my self celebrate the end of a successful year which started badly with the infection from hell but got better.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Here we go the run into to the Festivities

Much as every year - my place is in the kitchen preparing but not so much this year - just the Honey Roasted Gammon. Normally we would have everyone over here on Christmas Day (I know not last year) but normally we do. With A skiing in France somewhere and not due back until the late evening of the 26th we have half postponed Christmas Day until the 27th so I will actually be back in the Kitchen on Boxing Day and the day after.

I enjoy cooking and somehow have fallen out of the habit since the girls no longer go to church with their mother. I used to prepare the Sunday lunch for their return but we don't always get a one meal together these days.

I'm doing remarkably well at the moment in terms of how well I feel in myself and although I am tired, I am managing to get through most days albeit with the occasional snooze on my favourite armchair. Things are going well but I need to go and get a blood test done but have today noticed that the quack hasn't signed the form or told me what sort of blood test to have (normal or fasting) so somehow I need that sorted out PDQ. I was hoping to go tomorrow as there would be few who would go other than those required to do so on Crhistams Eve. That plan is dashed.

Everything is ready, the presents all wrapped, the baking is done and all I need to do is get prepped up for tomorrow and then we start the festivities with a visit to our old friends who we have known for 18 or more years now. It is a shame that A will not be home again this year to see them as we all grew up together and spent a lot of time in each others company on holiday and at this time of year.

Sometime in the next day or two I will be giving thanks for once again making another Christmas that 3 1/2 years ago I never thought I would make.

Thanks to all who are trying to find a cure

I woke with a bit of a start this morning. You see - I had advanced to next April and in my dream was told that I'd have to go back onto BCG treatment. I wasn't happy and I wasn't dealing particularly well with that when I came around. Welcome to my world of doubt and uncertainty. Had it once and don't want it again but you never, ever know do you?

So today, I'm sat here and thinking to myself about all those people who research and practice in the field of cancer, prevention and cure and of course all of those in medical teams around the world who deal with cancer patients.

I think I'd like to say "hurry UP!" but they are working as fast as they can within the limits of funding and on the edge of medical science. So it isn't going to be a silver bullet but they do wonderful work and it changes lives. Then our medical teams and support personnel who treat each one of us the same and try and save everyone if they can.

I'd like to wish each and everyone of them from the bleeding edge scientist to the administrators, the consultants, nurses, doctors, janitors, orderlies and everyone a fabulous Christmas and New Year and thank them for all that they do for us. Keep up the good work, you save lives, it is noble work and really appreciated by those of us who have survived.

Talking to someone who has also had Cancer

Is great and I'll be out to lunch with an old friend of mine and we will be able to compare notes and discuss how we feel and all that good stuff.   We meet up quite a bit professionally anyway but we g=often do this and have done over the years.  He had his Prostate done about 4 weeks before I had my operation and we met up a lot to discuss things.

It is really cathartic to talk about some of the good and bad moments and some of the fears for the future.  He has some challenges ahead that need him to come to terms with what he had and the side effects.  Don't forget, he no longer has Cancer as it has gone and was cut out along with the organ it grew in.  I still have my bladder, I've had Cancer before and I can get it again.  So two separate types of experiences but actually we are really close friends now because of this, much closer than many of my long time friends.  It is a difficult bond to describe but one of shared experience, emotional and physical stresses appears to make for stronger bonds between us.  We can discuss anything which is great.

There are very few people I feel this close to and who I feel I can tell all (and I mean ALL) the detail to.  This blog gets about 90 to 95% I guess.

Looking forward to our lunch very much.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

And it certainly is - we cancelled tonight's meeting - traffic was going nowhere we had one of the heaviest falls of snow I have ever seen and all in the space of about 30 minutes the roads were impassable and traffic ground to a halt on the main road and stayed like that for about 4 or 5 hours. You may as well have just turned off the switch because everything has ground to a halt. The trains. planes and automobiles aren't working. Our train service is going to be a Saturday one as we are expecting more snow and freezing conditions tonight.

So it is pretty lucky that I am not going into work this week but some of my colleagues are out in the Snow and the Ice and some have had terrible journeys - one took 3 hours to do 2 1/2 miles!

I glad I'm inside I can tell you. A year ago tomorrow was when I had my Operation which had been postponed from a week or so before. That really wasn't a great thing to do just before Christmas - it would be pretty bad if it was tomorrow - I doubt half the staff would have been able to make it in.

I'm glad I'm indoors and most things are done. Somehow we have to do the final bit of shopping and as long as no one has panic bought the shops supplies we should be OK. They say it will get a little warmer after tomorrow - it needs to, it really does.

As usual, being British, we are asking how a little bit of snow has managed to completely overwhelm our services (given we all knew this was coming and had been warned for some days ahead). I'm sure the inquests will start pretty soon and we will still have the same problem the next time. We always do.

Reflection Time

Having finished work on Friday I had a sobering conversation with a couple of my work colleagues who had noticed that I wasn't my normal self on the Thursday.

It's true, I'm certainly not my usual self these days and I'm spending a bit of time working out why that is. I consider that it was seeing my parents but having yet another Christmas apart from them and that is a little upsetting. Seeing them again, realising I'm turning into my father probably didn't fill me with great optimism. Not in a nasty way - just how like him I am and how I see the way he is and dislike that in myself sometimes.

I haven't really come to terms with the "new" me either. So many vices and constraints of the past in terms of how I viewed the world, what I thought about myself and how other people treated me were cast off because these things can no longer hurt/affect me the way they used to. I find that I am rueful of having left many of these old thoughts behind me but it is no comfort having to come to terms with changes in lifelong habits and long held beliefs. Things have to be let go if you are to move on and what things are left behind and what collateral damage is done in my actions are the thoughts I have at the moment.

I said sometime ago that I thought that Bladder Cancer was a life changing event but that I didn't see the changes as being fundamental ones. Lots of things changed and as you may expect with that came a healthy respect for life, living, heath and the welfare of myself but also of others. Many of the changes are pretty obvious and many are what I feel to be good changes. A softening of my rather pragmatic way of working, I very rarely lose my temper but I make up for that these days with a rather poisonous tongue and some cutting remarks that wilt many but - in my opinion, you don't get a tongue lashing from me if you don't deserve it.

Inevitably it is the distance that now exists between certain friends and family that causes me the most anxiety. I've explored this before and comments also on this blog draw the same conclusion that it isn't my problem how other people react to me, it is their problem and that I can't help them to come to terms with what has happened to me. The trouble is that the distancing and loss of such people is one of the unexpected consequences of the disease and what it did to me and those who know me.

Isn't it strange that a Cancer that existed in my body only, that I had all the experiences with would actually spread beyond me to affect those around me and even now, some years afterwards, leaves me thinking about how I (who really can't do a lot about it) could possibly repair the damage that has done.

You may struggle with to understand what I have just written - it is not particularly eloquent - but what I am driving at is that the physical and mental damage this does to your body is one thing but Cancer appears to affect your friends and family too in a way that you would never have dreamed possible. I'm used to the 2 question approach that Steve Kelley once blogged about. This is where someone asks you how you are and they want answer 1 which is that you are OK and that you will live not answer 2 which is that you are going to die and probably a horrible death. There are no in-between states - non Cancer sufferers and warriors will not understand that. It is refreshing to talk to people who have or have had Cancer and just be totally honest and actually discuss all the nuances and facets, minutiae and gore and bits with them.

So, I'm rattling on here much as my brain is. I know what the answer is, I'm just not brave enough to accept it. Instead I try and moralise and analyse what is going and and try various strategies to cope with the situation and I know what I must do. This holiday period I have the opportunity to address the situation, to try and confront what keeps me awake at nights and what stops me stepping up to the plate, making the decisions I have to and to stop being a coward and to just get on and do something about it.

I should realise that I have probably been through something that stretched my mind and my body beyond what should normally happen and that in hiding from making and taking decisions I have been doing what must be done for self protection. Now might be a good time to look in the mirror again and see if I like myself anymore. I'm afraid I don't like what I see much these days.

It's the challenge of what to do now that I need to tackle. What to do with this new lease of life I've been given, what to do with that time, my talents, my experience and above all how do I get the best out of my potential for the betterance of myself and my fellow mortals? Does then in making that decision it cause those near and dear to me to suffer is the core of the second part of the question. It is a bitch of a question/dilemma without doubt.

A Couple of Weeks Off

I made it to the Office Party which was a quieter affair than I thought it might be.  The Summer one is a lot more interesting.  The snow had caused a bit of travel delays but it was OK and I got back at a reasonable hour and in a reasonable state of repair.  

The thought of two weeks off and some rest and relaxation appeals and I just need to get into the right mood and chill a little bit so that I make the most and recharge my batteries.

Funny Day at Work

It was strange and I must have been in a strange mood I think as I wasn't my normal self and it appeared to my colleagues that there were things on my mind. I wonder if seeing my folks and the change in them over the past 3 or 4 months might have something to do with it or my dissatisfaction with the job or perhaps some other reason.

Whatever, we managed to repair the relationship after I had been out to lunch with a friend and so all's well that ends well. The new train timetable kicked in today. The train up is much better, less people and a bit earlier and my cafe is closed so I cannot go and get something to eat in the morning like I normally do. It is 6 minutes earlier and arrives 10 minutes earlier but adds an extra station (don't ask me how). In the evening the train is 3 minutes earlier but takes 10 minutes longer?

We are planned to get a "significant" snowfall tonight and that means 120 to 200mm between 4 and 8 inches with drifting. Now given that a few snowflakes can stop our national transport system, I wonder what chance we have to get to work and have our Christmas Party? Time will tell....

Joys and Sadness, Darkness and Light

Had a great meal and the family had a lovely evening and really good food and drink was had by all. Appalling weather though. Arrived home to find that one of my 2nd Cousin's had emailed me to say his father had died. He was one of the first to get hold of me when I was researching the family and his father was such a lovely guy and died this morning aged 87. He had some wonderful memories and was one of my Great Uncle's grandsons. His father was the Town Clerk of Bethnal Green when the awful tragedy happened there during the war and he told me a lot about that and provided me with photographs of my immediate family and books and data.

It is so sad that he has died, just before Christmas and I'm sure his grandchildren will be quite upset as he was such a lovely man.

Life goes on like this and some friends of Mrs. F dropped us a line to say that their daughter (we had gone to her wedding) had died aged just 43 - no age at all is it?

On a happier note, I had a payment from Uncle Google from all the adverts you nice readers click on attached to this blog. It amounted to around USD 100 and so I decided that this tranche of advertising revenue should go to my co blogger's charity in the US this time (the last tranche went to my charity here in the UK). So $100 has been lodged with Steve Kelley's church so that they can establish a base for themselves and wish that they reach their target funding and are able to fulfil their dream. With young Steve involved I am sure they lack for nothing in determination and good old fashioned common sense and drive and commitment. More information here.

Back

It started snowing on my way home and the traffic was dreadful at this end. It's not as if the stuff has settled it is just the way people react to it I suppose.

Anyway, I had a good time with my parents and the talk I did on Monday night was really enjoyable and I had a good evening with the Lodge in the middle of the Fens. I was most impressed by their people and their friendly manner.

Back home for Mrs. F's birthday and she has opened her presents and seems pleased. We are out to dinner tonight as long as the weather holds out for us as it is a bit out into the country and over the hills from here.

It was good to see my parents who make a suitable fuss over me. Not sure when I can get back up there next. I will have to look for opportunities in the New Year to get up there a bit more often. As I constantly remind them and my kid brother, they decided to move 120 miles away from me not vice versa, I'm the one who has to do the travelling.

Off for a few days

Will be good to see my parents for a few days and I am looking forward to presenting to a local Lodge tomorrow evening.   It is Mrs. F's birthday on Wednesday and A decided to do a surprise birthday dinner but Mrs. F. doesn't like surprises so we had to tell her.  

I'll be driving back on Wednesday and will look forward to yet another meal.  Having had our Christmas lunch today (with second helpings) I am feeling somewhat stuffed.  Another couple of days of Mums and Lodge and Restaurant eating and I'll be like Mr. Creosote.  

Some old friends turned up today for the Lunch and it was great to see them.  Somehow they can get to my dos and I cannot get to theirs but in January I am hopeful that we can finally go to one of theirs.  It was also nice to hear that they think Ii look well.  In fact a number of people said that today and it was again quite surprising that I hadn't worked out myself at the time how "ill" I'd looked.  It was mainly worry I think.  I look back at some of the photos of the time and I'd agree that I look drawn and tense perhaps.  The only bad thing about looking good is that I've really put on weight this year and so after Christmas (all calories in gifts are of course counted as zero) I am going to set out a new diet and exercise regime to loose a fair bit of weight.  Perhaps 2 stone if not a bit more if I can.  I would need 3 stone off to get to my fighting weight when I was as fit as a butchers dog but I doubt that is achievable these days.

It is interesting that no one actually told me that I looked ill though - or I don't think they did.  I'm just glad that I am beginning to get back to some resemblance of normal.  Also glad that I am beginning to look good again.  Gee I must have looked bad.

So how are you feeling?

Funny old day today - someone rang up and asked if I would be interested in a major role in the finance sector starting in the New Year.  It is attractive in a way but I think I'd never cope with the job past the 12 to 18 months it would take me to set it up.

I've been thiking about this 18 month thing and it is very rare that I have ever worked on a contract for much longer that that.  I get bored with routine and if there are no problems to solve or processes to fix I really find it a bit of a chore.

I feel a lot better than I have done for a while but still feel I'm pressurising myself too much to be well again and to be "back to normal".  I doubt that I ever will actually be "back to normal" though.  It was interesting talking to one of my survivor friends yesterday that we now tackle other people's anger and displeasure with a rather simple but telling phrase.  "Well....." we may start the phrase  "nobody actually died did they?" That should tell you all you need to know about surviving cancer.  Do you know what?  It really is a result if nobody actually died.  

I'd like to inject people with the realism injection or the pragmatism injection.  Life really isn't to be taken THAT seriously and all some of these people do is just stress themselves up.  I don't suppose I help much using my pet phrase though :-)

Rib Tickler

This really made me laugh this morning.  Enjoy.

Not been around for a day or two

Yesterday it was the President's drinks party which was great - we then went on to a wine bar across the road.  I hadn't realised that the time had shot past and at about 11:30 we left and caught the 10 past midnight train home with one of the Bosses.  It was OK - I got in really late and went to bed (I think).

As is my way I mentioned some of my concerns to the Boss so he could mull them over in the next couple of weeks.  A good time was had by all but I didn't wake up this morning and eventually got in to work around 11.  I had a meeting with my other team and then got home about 9 this evening.

I am taking tomorrow off and the week leading up to Christmas.  Effectively I have 2 days work left to do although I will be working on Monday it will be pleasant as I am giving one of my talks.

Most of the Christmas / Birthday presents have arrived for Mrs. F.   A few are still to come.  I am pleased with my choices - I just hope she is too.

I need to do lots of things in these next few days including newsletters and all my Christmas Cards too.

I am looking forward to seeing my folks next week and then really getting into the swing of Christmas.

That was good

I enjoyed my evening out and got my Grand Rank Invested by Prince Michael of Kent. He is a nice guy and the meeting was over really quickly allowing us to have a beer and get in to dine early. In fact I was home a little after 9:40 which was pretty good and do not feel like I need a liver transplant as I didn't hit the booze as I remember a previous occasion when I helped carry back someone who had!

I'm certainly pleased about that. A number of presents have started to arrive here and suddenly I have realised that I did slightly overdo it but hey, if you can't splash out once in awhile?

I still have a lot of things to go through this week. One is a real stupid thing as one of my committee by sending an email to everyone instead of just me has undone most of the work I have done this year building up members of a network. I had to spend a lot of today doing quick repairs and will hopefully see him tomorrow and sort it out as the damage has set my work back by a couple of months!

Ho hum....

Lots to do this week still and more late nights. I am off to see my parents early next week and do some business too whilst I am there which will be nice as I get to see them before Christmas. It is a shame that they live quite so far away but they chose to move away (as did my brother) not me. It always makes me laugh that I'm the one not putting myself out when I haven't moved house or gone anywhere :-) families can be quite funny I find!

Well - off to bed and getting ready for tomorrow's onslaught and the President's drinks party which last year - I turned up at - much to the surprise of my colleagues as they weren't expecting to see me.

My Big Day

Tomorrow - or later today in fact. I get my Grand Rank appointment (my first) and it looks as if it might be from Prince Michael of Kent himself (Grand Master).

I am pleased that I will have two good friends along to see me get my honours and to attend the banquet afterwards.

I am looking forward to the honour itself and perhaps, if I am lucky, it will be the first of many.

It was a year ago today that I had the aborted operation and the commencement of what can only be called some of the worst months of my entire life, so ill was I. I am hoping that it is not some sort of omen :-)

Time presses on - I ought to get off to bed early as I have a big day ahead of me and it already past midnight!

Sunday Shopping

Thank goodness for the internet.  I was able to sit at my PC and shop for stuff for most things and yet there were a couple of items from big companies that need good old fashioned visit the store which is a bit difficult.

I then turned my mind to my annual newsletter and found that hardly anything has actually happened this year.  Now that sounds strange because I've had two clears in the year and I am feeling better and better as time goes on but in reality I haven't done much this year and I haven't got a lot to show for it but that's OK it just shows you that you can never be satisfied.

I suppose that a lot has happened in terms of where I was this time last year.  I have now made a note that next year I need to do some more things with my time....

Freshen Up

I have changed the blog colour scheme - no real reason except it feels that today was a good day for me - Steve;s news brightened up the day of course.  I managed to get most (not all) of my Christmas Shopping done but I didn't make a start on my Newsletters or Christmas Cards which are now a priority.

I managed to organise my music and back up disks and generally pottered around in my office.  L is off to France for the day tomorrow and we are off to see friends in the afternoon but have to get back to pick L up.  

I have a very busy set of weeks coming up.  On Tuesday I will get my Grand Rank invested at Great Queen Street.  I am looking forward to that very much.  I am completely loaded up with meetings, parties and other events which will culminate on the 18th with the office party - I will then take the week off before and after Christmas.  I need to rebuild my sense of humour and get ready for the New Year.  Where this year has gone I couldn't tell you.  This time last year I was getting ready to go into Hospital and that is when it all kicked off with the cancelled Op followed by the Op from hell a few days before Christmas and the 6 week illness after that.  I will be glad to see the end of 2009.

2010 I hope will bring back some fitness and a return to my previous levels of stamina!!

Fantastic News

Steve in the US has had another clear and so that means no more BCG for him which I can tell you is a massive relief. I hardly dared to look at the blog tonight or my email but chanced a peek and saw this great news. So well done Steve and another weight lifts from off your shoulders.

Someone told me not long ago (they didn't tell me at the time!) how rough I really looked and then the difference in me after I had got a 2nd or 3rd clear. "You were no longer grey and gaunt/strained" or words like that.

It is such a relief and a huge lift in your whole demeanour.

Written with a big grin all over my face as I am just so pleased to hear this news.

3rd December - Judgement Day in Utah

Well, despite all my own problems I am concentrating on Steve in Utah who goes to see his Doctor tomorrow - 3rd December 2009 for a Poke and Peek, Flexible Cystoscopy to see how things have progressed.

Despite his own positive attitude and regime to beat this - I bet he is feeling, as I always do, some trepidation about the outcome. Such is the nature of our particular disease that it works on a number of levels. Statistics state that it can come back but in general those statistics are based on much older respondents that Steve or myself. Cancer plays with your head and so you actually have your brain (which is meant to be on your side) running every scenario you can ever imagine and - as far as I can tell it never has chosen the actual outcome or even been that near.

I imagine that sleep isn't happening and despite well knowing that Steve has done everything possible to secure the correct outcome I bet there is a little niggle gnawing away somewhere.

Anyway, let's not dwell on those little demons and gremlins that our brains store up for us. Let's make a worldwide wish that his procedure brings the best Christmas present you can get - no more treatment and a BIG signpost that says Recovery Ahead, Take this Route....

Catching up with me

I was tired yet again today and almost fell asleep at my desk for the 2nd time in as many days. I'm sort of OK but I will get to bed early tonight and see if I can't defeat this.

Most of my work is done and today was a matter of getting my article out and other elements of tidying up desk and getting ready for next year's onslaught starting in January.

I have some days off to take which I must sort out, sort out my invoices and a few talks which I will be giving in a week and a bit's time.

The crazy thing is that I just have hardly anytime between now and Christmas to get sorted out I am out on a number of days. Crazy!

Much Better

Just click to make it larger - not that either of us needs to be much larger of course!!

There will be a better picture soon

This is Flocky and a Dived Ref in full flight as the Blues Brothers. It is amazing that people actually thought we rehearsed it but we just like the film so much that we kind of went with the music.

So enjoy Jake (Flocky Bicep) and Elwood (A Dived Ref)

Did we have a good time or what?

Recuperation

Was the goal for today. I needed to get up late (mission accomplished), relax (managed to do that too) and get to bed early (totally failed at that).

I had a really good night on Saturday I haven't done that for years.

Off to bed now and let's see how the week pans out. I need to do some sorting out this week for my diary for December as it looks pretty full already.

Thoughts for this week are for Steve in the US who will have his poke and peek on Thursday and so prayers, crossed fingers and all good karma to be focused over there for the 3rd December. If clear - no more BCG treatment. Also keep a thought out for my friend JM over here. I saw him Friday and he had some serious issues with the initial TURBT as they managed to get him bleeding and had to reenter and sort it out. The scan was inconclusive but no spreading to the Lymph nodes which is good. Wishing JM all the best as he has another scan and a poke and peek too soon.

Awesome Flocky - Just Awesome

A word that I use very infrequently.  Flocky Bicep and I turned up to our Lodge Ladies' Night normally attired and then changed into Jake and Elwood - the Blues Brothers.  Flocky got the hats and they were exactly what we needed.  

We came on and did a cameo set for about 3 or 4 minutes and then I did my Disk Jockey bit for about an hour.  It really took me back and despite all the effort that went in, it was still a real buzz finding tracks to get people dancing.  Now I can remember why I used to get such a kick out of it when I was younger.  In those days we were well practised in the art of getting everyone up dancing, changing tracks to suit moods etc.  This time it was difficult as I had a much wider audience.  I did cheat and put on an 80/90s record to get them dancing.  We did really well as I had recorded enough music to last 4 weeks and used just one hour of that - which is a shame as so much was geared to the people there.

I am going to sleep well tonight.  We finished at 1 am and it is 1.35 now - I did a long set and then loads of dancing in character so I should have no problem in falling asleep and I may not be too fast getting up in the morning.

I really did let my hair down tonight and got stuck in to try and ensure everyone had a good time.  I am absolutely whacked out as we did the routine at the start and  carried on dancing until we finished.  PHEW!!!

I have really enjoyed myself tonight and I'm really glad that we had a good number to enjoy the evening with us.   I am not sure if  Flocky and I will ever make it as entertainers but we did try our best!

An interesting day

Well the evening was as I was out with my Nephew and I really enjoy an evening listening to him and having a bit of a laugh about work and goodness knows what else.

Work was - well - boring but the drudge is almost over as the documents are so near complete that I can hear them saying "print me".

I must sort myself out and get away from work for a while before I scream and do something stupid! I am likely to do that and self-destruct if I have to take any more brain numbing, pedantic semantic, committee driven nonsense.

In fact if I work this properly I can complete most of my outstanding work by mid December. Then there are the rounds of parties to attend but I can probably do that this year. Lat year I was going into Hospital (or wasn't) whatever the case maybe. Then I ended up not getting back to work until February!!!!

I am still working away getting ready for my Gig on Saturday as DJ Dave dididando or whatever they are going to call me. It will be a BIG nostalgia trip but I now realise that I have produced at least 30 hours worth of tracks for a 1 1/2 hour slot!!! Doh.

I find that I am quite moved by listening to some tracks that I haven't heard for 25 or more years though. Some of the tunes brought memories flooding back to me of my young, care free days. Ahhhhhh. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

Pitiful

It really is crazy and I finally got to sort out some odds and ends of work today that have been hanging about but even so the titivating about was just pitiful as the odd change here and there actually cause the rest of the story to read wrong and then you have to make more changes and before you know it you are back to the article and story you first had.

Luckily it is almost over and done with for this year bar the shouting - in 4 weeks time (yes just 4 weeks) it will be the last day at work although I might just take longer off again.

I am so tired too but I think it is boredom and utter frustration that are doing this - work is just a drudge at the moment and whilst I am sure it will get better in the New Year I'm still not certain that I can continue to numb my brain like this for long periods of time. It isn't built for it.

Nearly lost it again today

I've outgrown my job and to get my work back 4 or 5 times today with minor amendments on it was almost too much this morning. Why these people can't do what I've been doing for 20 years which is change the document themselves is beyond me. I think that our catch up interview is going to be interesting in a week or two.

I spent most of the day messing around on pedantic semantics and not getting on and doing my job. By the time the afternoon came I had accomplished the square root of sweet Fanny Adams! Then I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. I find it tedious and not a little demeaning that I am treated like some clerk and my patience is beginning to slip because no one seems to get it into their heads that drudgery and routine are not something I search out. It may be fine for my colleagues to turn up day after day and do the same thing in some mechanical no thought manner but in reality, doing that to me is like caging a wild beast in very small cage. I'm going to rip your arm off and eat it or beat you over the head with it or something silly because you are oppressing my natural tendency to be creative. Kill that off and there isn't any reason to hire me. If you want a clerk, hire a clerk. The trouble is I can hear myself saying this to the boss in a week or two as it IS what they need to do.

Other than that - this week looks to be as busy as you like. Plenty of things going on lots of meetings and parties to go to. I just hope that I survive in my job to the end of the week!

A weekend of preparing

For next weekend. I have a party next Friday and a Lodge meeting preceding that and then on Saturday we have a Ladies' Night for the Master of our lodge which is a themed 60s and 70s evening. I'm really pleased that Flocky has stepped up to the plate and organised an outfit for me so the two of us will be going as the Fabulous Blues Brothers - one of my favourite films and a tribute to the automotive industry in the US - We have a scrappage scheme for kick starting our motor industry. All the US needs to do is let the Blues Brothers loose for a week and everyone will need a new car!

As an Ex-DJ I have to do a set or two on the evening and the discos these days do not have Record Decks - oh no - they have CD decks - so I have been transferring vinyl to disk most of the weekend as well as being out yesterday to attend this Lodge meeting where my Friend initiated his son.

That was a very emotional and touching ceremony. I drove his son there and chauffeured them around arriving back about 2 am. They were laughing at me as I was drinking Tomato Juice and Worcester Sauce all night and - sure - I'd have liked to whack a couple of Vodkas in there but the main thing was that THEY had a good evening and I was able to provide transport for them to and from their door and they could just get on and enjoy themselves.

I was up at a half reasonable hour this morning but have been stuck on the deck and burning CDs all day which has been a bit tedious - nothing is ever as easy as you think it is going to be!

Having a day off

Appears to have helped my temperament but I also took time off so I could pursue my other business interest and that got cancelled on me so I wasn't best pleased that I had behaved myself the night before, gotten up and then found that the conference call had been cancelled.

Today should be interesting my friend's son is being initiated into his Father's Lodge and I have the privilege of going to collect his son in an hour or so and escorting him to the hall and I'll get to drive him and his dad back tonight. I will - for once - not have anything to drink and that will probably do me good anyway, I drank enough on Thursday to have used my whole month's units :-)

I'm looking forward to seeing him getting initiated he is allowed to join younger because his dad is a member - normally you have to be 21, he is 18 but has always wanted to become a member as most of the immediate family are members. I went out and chatted to him last week and he too is looking forward to today. There will be a lot of people there including the Provincial and Deputy Provincial Grand Masters and I'm sure a string of other dignitaries too. A memorable day for all I hope.

Venting my spleen

It was an interesting committee meeting - one in which I made my point quite firmly and perhaps a little too firmly but I reckon that the point is made and I now have the opportunity to go and work on it.

I hope that they appreciate it but I don't think too many actually understood the rationale behind revisiting the strategy of the area I am working on. Ho hum, maybe we can get there and I can get back to making a difference. If not - perhaps I'll not be there shortly....

The niggling little cough is still just about there and I'm feeling OK. I had another one of those strange things occur. I was sitting down and suddenly felt like I wanted to light up a cigar, after all this time and after all this damage - how strange.

A lie in

That was good - I managed to get a long lie in and found out afterwards that I didn't really need to get up as my conference call has been cancelled.

I am still surprised that I am in relatively good shape after the "normal" evenings out drinking with these guys.

At least a day at home for recovery. Off again tomorrow for an afternoon and evening out. I think I will have a day out with no drinking and see if I can manage that.

Well that was nice

Out with old friends and we ended up at a really nice gastropub place.

An out of the world Fruit De Mer to start with Old English Pork followed by a Spanish Cheese Board.

3 or was it 4 bottles of red wine and a good three or four beers before hand. Worryingly I got home in one piece stayed awake all of the way - I did cheat with Taxis to Charing Cross from Euston and to the end of my road. A couple of pints of water will, I am certain, stave off too much overnight dehydration but I am surprisingly sober.

I went out with these guys some time ago and I'm still getting flashbacks of that night now. It would be easier to list all the bars, clubs and restaurants we didn't go to in the Greater London area than list the ones we visited!!!

The three wise men out on an evening - as luck would have it - we have calmed down a lot and I actually got home this time. They are staying in an Hotel in London.... Good for them!

Niggling cough

Today the same dry niggling - not quite a real cough kept me annoyingly coughing throughout the day. I had a better day today and got plenty done but in fact I really still didn't enjoy it much. I have a new project to look at which is nice and some new challenges to look at. I'm still uncertain as to whether I really want to do them.

I have my meeting tomorrow and am out with some old friends in the evening although I hope not for too long as this cold feels as if it is about to break.

I managed to get a little revenge in tonight. My colleague packed paper and bits in a load of my files but I was in early enough to clear it all out and so not make a fuss. This was a while ago. Today she arrived in wearing a hat. I was able to put some paper clippings in that and I hope to find her pretty annoyed with me in the morning as she hadn't gone home when I did and would have an interesting moment when putting on the hat.

I am having Friday off, I need to catch up on a lot more work at home and I need to sort out records for a 60s and 70s disco that I am being DJ for in a few weeks time. Life is busy and work is the opposite. I just need to get through tomorrow's meeting with the Chairman and the rest of my Committee. I will see if I can steer them in to the committee I deserve. At the moment, sometimes it feel like a punishment from hell rather than anything else.

As I said to my colleague

I am getting pretty annoyed with the general level of my health these days - this year in particular has just been one niggle after another. I'm sure that some of it is actually a bit of protection for myself. If I get really annoyed at work then it is sometimes good that I am not there to "quit" or do some other self destructive series of actions. I can do that and have in my past. However, unless this is just figment of my imagination - I do appear to have had a series of odd things happen to me.

One thing after another though - can you believe I now have a sore throat and a dry cough - just an irritating cough every few minutes but that's enough.

I wonder if some of it is to do with work and my heart not really being in it at the moment. Today was just dire and I fell asleep at my PC again this afternoon. There is nothing really exciting happening and the Christmas Cards arrived today and no one quite realises it but apart from my committee meeting on Thursday my year's work is pretty much wrapped up.

The trouble is many think that I actually do other things in the organisation where, in fact, I just enable them for others. There just isn't any ownership and so it looks as if it is my doing.

Anyway, I'm certain that there is some truth in the fact that I really can't be bothered sometimes to drag my sorry arse all the way to London to sit and stare at a PC screen and help someone complete their Excel spreadsheet!

He has an "unusual" sense of humour

How I was described, rather nicely I thought. We were discussing my macabre, surreal and eccentric humour and how I can see funny things that many cannot.

Picture that we are in a club, near a railway and the front door is alarmed to make a two tone noise as people enter and leave through the security door. It is very quiet and not many people are in the room and the door alarm goes off, just the once.

"Wow" said I, "that was a really tiny train wasn't it?"

Now - if you can put yourself in the place of my audience of about 5 people. 3 got it immediately and burst into laughter, one joined a little later and one sat blank faced for about a minute and then got it. To even connect the railway behind the club and the alarm sound is a long leap and so for anyone to actually pick up on it was pretty good.

I have a lateral brain and it picks up connections and parallels in conversation and (thank goodness) is back to almost as sharp as it used to be. I love the spontaneity and sheer pythonesque qualities of my sense of humour. I also like the very dark stuff too - although it doesn't wash with my parents who never got the funny side of my Tee Shirt "I'm Not Dead Yet!" and still don't. Well if it was your child talking like that about their cancer what would you think?

My personality keeps me going. My whole family have the most in tune sense of humour you can imagine. A room full of us are about as controllable as a barrel load of monkeys. Each would feed off the other. My kid Brother and I can spark a series of conversations on the phone which comprise, humorous lines, mimicry of almost any dialect and language you want, old and new punchlines, completed by each other in real time and in stereo and still have some room to get in a few digs at each other. The verbal fireworks are great - it is who I am, it what people expect of me and I do try and deliver a "good performance" and be on my best form as it is one of the reasons I feel I should survive and be around a bit longer. A smile and bit of humour and some wit and repartie contribute to living - its what it is all about. All the time your are down and upset are wasted moments and if only everyone could be a little looser, a little less uptight the world would be a much nicer place.

I am determined to be good humoured no matter what and spread good feelings as life is too short and it ain't a rehearsal. Shame it takes quite such a threat to my life to make me see it though.

As exciting as it gets

Stuffed about 1,000 envelopes today. Had food, came home.

Nuff said!

Work tomorrow

Not looking forward to it really. I don't know why but I've a real downer on work and the last few days at home have meant I have been able to get a good run at some of my paperwork.

I think I might need to work out what is left to do this year and sort out if I can get the remainder of the work done and spend less time in the office. I tend to think I can.

My leg still hurts a bit I just hope tomorrow isn't too bad getting in to work.

Oh Hell

Heard tonight that someone I know reasonably well has Prostate Cancer - the worst scenario - 20+ Radios on their way for his lottery. For lottery it surely must be as there is little to be gained from radical work - these are the last throw of the dice. How terrible to have that in your sights.

At our meeting tonight my friend and I are pronounced as being clear, technically in remission and the to hear that our colleague was this bad was just so devastating. I bumped into someone unknown to me before tonight and he was telling me that his wife had just months to go before she dies from some other particularly nasty form of disease that will render her blind first and then death will follow quite soon. It makes me shudder writing it.

Despite all of that we had a good evening and met up with some people we haven't seen for ages.  Just a shame about the other news.

Not in work today either

I can't say that I feel any better today really.  I got dressed and can still feel this cut / abrassion against my trousers and I know that if I walk any distance I'll set it off again.  So I've stuck a load more cream on it and decided that discretion is the better part of valour.  I can do my work from here for a while.

I am getting fed up of this time off work but I know it is better to do this than to go in today and end up twice as bad ready for next week when I need to be in.

At  least the weekend awaits and I can get a few days R&R in before heading back to the office.

Battling with myself

I find that I'm constantly beating myself up and questioning things and I've done that most of my life. I am very critical of my own work and I expect others to be as good if not even better than me. I'm no perfectionist but I like a job done well and I like to work with professionals and people who inspire me. I like to learn new things and see how different approaches to a problem can help me solve that in a more elegant fashion.

I'm continuing working on this "other" project and it is really exciting but I'm getting impatient to get stuck in and really give it a go. It probably wont be until the end of Q1 next year but it will just be so interesting to work on and to produce something really interesting. The current job doesn't inspire anymore as it is dealing with the same old, same old and how anyone can have a job that never actually produces anything but just keeps the wheels turning is beyond me and YES - I know we have to have jobs and industries and people like that but I'm not one of them and I just don't get it :-)

All the time I beat myself up because I'm not delivering or I'm not achieving what I could do. I tell you that I am coming back on stream with avengence and getting back to my old self. I don't have the energy but I sure do have the brain power back which I can tell you I have really missed. I get the odd word wrong and it takes me a little while to remember things and names but in reality my mind is working at a speed and at a level of lateral and creativity that I am now much happier with. If you go back a year or so, you may recall that the treatment was making me forgetful and lethargic whereas now - I feel I am climbing back towards the levels I used to have. All I need is the energy and fitness to catch up with my brain and I can announce that I am back.

A little better today

Still feeling this nasty raw patch on my leg - it really hurt yesterday and I think I've got things under control so I can get into work tomorrow. What a nuisance - I have no idea how I did it.

I seem to have had so many ailments in the past 3 and a half years which have made up for my near 30 year clear run!! If anything comes along I appear to get it. Got the Dizzy spells, that awful cold and infections earlier this year, this problem with my leg and all sorts of stupid little niggles. I'm actually getting quite p1ssed off with being not 100%.

I shouldn't moan and I should be aware there are people far worse off that I am but even so, I just never seem to feel on top of my game, 100%, fit, healthy, the right weight and all that good stuff. It is frustrating not depressing.

I still wonder whether I ought to look to have a short rest period away from work just to sort myself out and get my head and body back into some sort of shape.

These two days have actually been quite good as I haven't been able to do much and so have sat down and actually got stuck into some of my outstanding paperwork.

At Home - on a Wednesday

Strange - it is early morning and not unlike last week, I am at home. This time it is more to do with managing to hurt the inside of my leg. I did this yesterday and I've scrapped the inside of one of my thighs and so it kept getting caught on the seam of my trousers and rubbing. It was pretty cold yesterday as well and by the time I got to work I was feeling a little sore. By the time I got home I needed to go and put some cream on it. This morning I thought all was well but find that it isn't really. It needs a bit of rest.

I can work from home - the office is aware - or will be wen they get in and I am set up to work from here.

Yesterday was again a boring day and I was falling asleep at my desk. I think I remember last year being this bad too. There is little real work to get your teeth into and what work there is appears to be bitty and mundane.

I hope that I will be OK to go out later today. I am due to a meeting this afternoon and just hope that my leg has calmed down a bit by then.

That was bound to happen

Absolute standstill this afternoon. The web site has been updated and is now in test and what's worse, the Christmas Card is now agreed and in production. All the mailings have been done and my time sheets and invoice are all up to date.

I'm sat here wondering quite what to get stuck into. Time is dragging and I am scratching around trying to sort out what 5 minute jobs there are.

The trouble is that there really isn't that much left to do until January! How worrying is that.

Not looking forward to the coming week

I need to be diplomatic and not actually tell everyone what I think this week :-)

The past few weeks have definitely seemed to be testing my patience and ability to continue to work on a load of mundane tasks.  It bores the hell out of me.

I'm obviously getting better.  I'm still tired but my mind appears to be back to its need to do something a little more creative than this job allows me to be.   I'm finding the hum drum day-to-day work is wearing a little thin.  It's nice to be the do-er and someone who provides all the support at the office but that is little comfort when it has taken 3 or more months to get to a final of our Christmas Card and it is still not finished and people STILL want to change it.

Remebrance Sunday

I always find the service moving but for the first time in years I was actually out and went down to Gillingham and back to get some of my Regalia to be invested as a Grand Officer next month.

They've made some massive improvements to the road and all the roadworks are now gone so I flew down there and back in about half the time I thought it would so I did get to see the end of the service.  It was interesting to see that I could get to the new International Rail Terminal in about 20 minutes.  It makes Paris and Brussels less than 3 hours away!

Today is a lazy day.  Watch TV, catch up on emails and generally chill out before the next crazy week at work.  I hope to be able to keep my calm this week - I find it quite testing at the moment but that could be that I realise that there isn't much of a job left.

Now that you come to mention it

I said I had found the early letters and here are a few of the actual words on the one after the first operation:

"His Bladder tumour was a G3P T1 so [sic] so with earlier invasion and I have explained this to him.  It was a moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him and I have explained that we will need to do  a further Cystoscopy and Biopsy to improve the staging. "

That was a long time ago though and it was interesting coming across the letter again.   It brought it back to me and that conversation with my Consultant when she explained the full gravity of this particular diagnosis.  

It is amazing how things have progressed from there.  The potential risk has diminished but the "potential" is always there.  It was explained that there is a significant chance of a recurrence but the longer you stay clear then the risk goes down.

It was quite good to see these and just remind myself of my good fortune.  

I didn't expect to get back that late

But I eventually caught the 23:15 train home! I went out with my Nephew who is back from Luxembourg for good and my work colleagues had also come over. I ended up going home a lot later than I thought I would.

The new car is here and looks very nice indeed. Everyone seems happy apart from my wallet which is creaking and groaning under the strain :-).

I pulled out some of my papers and found the original letter from the Hospital confirming my diagnosis. It made quite sombre reading. Especially the words "It is quite a significant threat to him."

Now the Vice Chairman

Of the London Lunchtimers.  www.lunchtimers.org 

But Flocky has just dropped me a line to say his dizzy spells have come back and I have to say - now that he mentions it - so I can feel every so slightly the same.  Mind you I had one of my sneezing fits tonight (runs in the family and we don't sneeze once - we sneeze with rhythm!).

I was explaining to someone today how important it was to have a mundane job and then why I hated it so much.  A strange twist in my outlook as I now feel so under utilised that I can take almost 4 days off this week and still have completed all I need to do!

Other than the risk of getting the dizzy spells back I do hope to get in to work tomorrow as I have an appointment I'd like to keep with our PR compatriots in the other charities.

Even Keeled

Or I appear to be now.  How strange that was.  I did a quick check on my Blood Pressure and I was normal but low for me 128 / 90.  I did go downstairs and take things easy - easy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so and I've gradually felt better.  Now I am about to go to bed and I can still notice that I have been a little off balance but nowhere near the feeling that I was about to pass out that I had earlier in the day.  That was most weird.

I missed going to my Lodge meeting tonight but if I'd have collapsed there it wouldn't have been much fun either.  

Tomorrow is a busy day again, I hope that I'll be able to last through as I have a conference call tomorrow to sort out some figures and a lunchtime appointment which I am looking forward to as I should be voted the Vice Chair of a dining club and that will give me something to do in the next few years!  If I do get voted on then this time next year I take the chair.

So off to bed and hopefully the wobbly balance stuff will be gone in the morning.  It is always a worry when you wander around as if drunk and yet have been nowhere near alcohol.

Good Old Flocky

Was on the phone to me to see how I was.  Strange thing this dizzy stuff, he had the same yesterday and so perhaps something going around.  It is the most strange feeling.

Mrs F. just told me that perhaps I need to slow down a bit and take things easy.  I can't think that I have been overdoing it but as she rightly reminded me I've been in my office for 12 hours yesterday and a good 8 already today.

I think I shall take my own advice then and go and sit downstairs and take it easy.  I was due out but have now cancelled that (although I've given myself a buffer of an hour on that decision).  I really wanted to go but sometimes I need someone to reflect back the advice I'd give to others which is go and sit quietly downstairs and take it easy for a short while then see how you feel.

Perhaps overdoing it is a bit too far but time to take it easy nonetheless.

What is this?

I feel most peculiar.  I've come over all dizzy and light headed.  Not quite feinting but nevertheless not good.

I'm going to sit outside for a while and get some fresh air and might have to go and lie down.  I don't need a cold or anything else right now - I have too much to do.

Nearly Cured - Prevention

As I walk around I see people putting their health at risk all the time and I feel sorry for them.  I see young people smoking and I wonder what health problems they are storing up for themselves in the future.  Some people who can hardly walk or waddle along as they are so overweight and you just know that Diabetes and heart problems are just waiting in the wings.

Steve in the US has written a number of extremely interesting blogs about lifestyle and the latest 2 here and here have really made me sit up and think.  

One of the major things I did was to cut down on sugar and I changed my lifestyle.  I was a bit binary at the begining causing myself all sorts of trouble.  I wanted things fixed in a few days and in reality changes take a little longer than a few days do do.  I also overdid most things.  SImple diet changes include increased fruit and vegetable intake and what I thought was a good idea to reduce my sugar intake, cut right back on salt and also cut back on processed items as much as possible.  

Invariably you cannot cut everything out but you can take many steps to do so.  As my Doctor told me "Don't live like a Hermit".   However the shock is around the changes I made in sugar as I moved away from sugar and in doing so cut down caffeine.  I used sweeteners to replace the sugar.  It appears that these may have adverse affects on my bladder.  Sugar, as you can see from Steve's research, and Cancers tend to go hand in hand.   So I am now looking at cutting these down too.  I am sure I cannot just give them up but I will phase them out.  It is going to make my occasional Espresso taste different but then maybe I'll allow myself the odd one every now and then.  

There are a number of things you can do to gradually change your lifestyle and reducing salt, sugar and saturated fats are some of them.  I can't be arsed to go to extremes on this though.   We all know that a balanced meal using fresh ingredients, plenty of fruit and vegetables and ensuring that your fibre intake is correct etc. all lead to better health and that together with moderate exercise also help.  Balance Diet - those two words say it all.  Don't live like a Hermit, don't become obsessed and faddy with food.  If you happen to be tempted by a huge Jam Doughnut today, grab some fruit later or tomorrow.  After all you can treat yourself once in a while can't you?

Good Grief

Charlie Brown! What a week it has been. the windows and doors were fixed today, the girls bought a new car and I don't suppose the spending will have stopped there. I've paid for A's Hasselblad Camera - although - to be fair she is paying me back. I've had to buy a new Laser Printer as it is cheaper than buying supplies for my old (15 months) one! What is the world coming to when I can buy a printer cheaper than the supplies that go in it and it is cheaper to throw away the old one than get the new stuff for it? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm at home again tomorrow and hope to get a bit more work done. I've been pretty busy setting up the new printer and looking after the window guy so managed only a little today. At least I wasn't at work where I threw a spanner in earlier as the Christmas Card supplier cannot print our specials and get them back to us until early December if I gave them the finalised card now. Interestingly enough, the committee are still messing about with it and so maybe they will sort them that out by the time I get back. Oh look pigs just flew by my window.

Oh well - off to bed - to see if another night's sleep will improve things!

It is actually hard to cope with being this tired

I'm bumping along the bottom of fitness at the moment and last night was a prime example of what my tiredness is like. I went to bed late around about midnight - I didn't need to be up until about 8 and so figured that this would work out fine for me.

I woke at least 3 times during the night feeling uncomfortable and made my way to the bathroom but I really felt sleepy, as if I could go to sleep on my feet each time.

I automatically wake at 5:18 every morning just before my alarm goes off, I knew I wasn't at work and so went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:45 and I did no more than turn that off and eventually dragged myself out of bed.

I'm glad that I will be at home today and tomorrow so that I can catch up and this is after just one day at work! It almost beggars belief that I can feel so lethargic.

The problem is this isn't feeling tired like you can for a day or two, this just goes on and on and on. Sure there are good and bad days associated with it and I'm not getting any worse thank goodness hence my comment bumping along the bottom. The answer has to be to get even more exercise and to work on my diet further. Both aren't easy considering that I leave the house at just gone 6 in the morning and get back around about 6:30 and so my time is severely limited.

I ought to face up to the facts that I ought to be doing something at work (despite the fact that I walk a fair distance each day to and from the stations at either end). However, to get a routine would be difficult to achieve such is my crazy schedule of meetings etc. Additionally it just isn't something I particularly "get". Going to a Gym and then coming back to work or even going before or after work.

I realise that the solution is in my control and so I need to work out what to do.

It is November

And the Christmas adverts are in full flow. Not that these are the first - oh no - we have been bombarded throughout October. Worse than that I saw my first one in July - YES - July.

Every day is Christmas for me of course.

At least we didn't get any Halloween visits this year and the fireworks ave been kept to a minimum for the past few days by the rain.

So - what else can I blog about apart from just being generally a bit offish at the moment. Work isn't great and I just don't seem to feel motivated but that is just one of those things. I know work is going to be frustrating and annoy the hell out of me tomorrow and so a few days off work will sort it out no doubt.

Here I go again

I haven't worked for an organisation for longer than 18 months for - O - I suppose 35 years. I may have worked for the same company for longer but I've always worked on different customer's sites and for the duration of a project.

It is 20 months since I started at the Charity and I'm getting to that point in my job that it really is beginning to get - well - boring. The people are great but the work is now routine and mundane. The big project is delivered and I'm now struggling with "committee authoring". This fannying around and arguing semantics is wearing extremely thin at the moment. I have decided to take a few days off and to space out my working and that will perhaps help with the anger management bit.

Certainly this week I need to just pull away from the office a little bit as I'm certainly not enjoying things there at present.