Quiet day

Wow - so this is what it is like to slow down. I populated the CRM (Customer Relationship Management) system with all the names and firms we are going to approach and added biographies and information about them into it. This took much of the day then at 7pm we had a team conference call :-) Having said that, the pressure was actually off a bit as we won't have the starting gun go off until Friday morning when we speak to one of our lawyers about strategy. Once that is over we can rock 'n' roll :-)

It has been nice to look back at what we have achieved though and to take a little breather and now get ready to move on. That's the real challenge, some may have thought the hard work has all been done - well it has in terms of research and planning. Executing those plans will be the really challenging bit.

In other news, the blog I've been keeping an eye on for years has gone a bit strange of late and now you can only go see what is happening by appointment which is a bit disappointing. Well, no problemo, I've just taken it off of my viewing list and off my favourites. I suppose I ought to consider how much I post to this blog as there isn't much to say between reviews and now I'm on a 6 monthly (due sometime in December) observations things have settled down a bit. I've to sort myself out in the next few weeks anyway into a new set of habits as I have now almost got over my back twinges and should get back to exercising again to lose some of the weight I've put on. It's been a real struggle to lose weight without exercising - I've lost a few pounds but without doing some exercise I doubt it will go on its own.

My Dad continues to do well in hospital - bored stupid of course as he is pretty well but they operate on Friday and let's hope they can sort this out for him. I'm hopeful that they can at least give him some quality time in the coming months although this operation is (or could be) quite a serious thing. If it works it means that he should be able to eat a bit better and also for the bile duct to be diverted so that he may be able to stay jaundice free. He's eating well enough and so there's some hope that he will hold on for a little longer. After Christmas would be better - I've had a number of December funerals in the past and it over shadows what amounts to the only real family time many of us get in these days.

Investor Ready Day

Didn't go off without a hitch. I feel quite low in fact as my business partner has been laid low with a rotten cold and we were due out to a concert to see a band called Blackfoot - a really good old Rock 'N' Roll band from Florida (I think) certainly the southern states of America. It was a sort of reward for the work we have put in during the past 18 months. He couldn't make it and so in a way it wasn't the end of term party we wanted. It was a good night but I couldn't enjoy it without him and it was hot, stuffy and crowded which didn't help me much I have to say so I let my friends go to the front whilst I hung back.

The band were very good and I enjoyed myself but it was tinged with a certain sadness really that we hadn't celebrated the end of this piece of work. Mind you, at 5 pm I found a problem with the document at the very last minute requiring me to make an 11th hour change. We made the change and everything is now done. we have finished our work. The amazing stats are:

The initial work comprised 909 days at a cost of £526,785 and the work my partner and I have done comprises 760 days at a cost of £470,046. That was a bit of a shock I have to say :-)

We are now at a new stage and looking for finance (at last). If we get that - the hard work will only just have begun!

Actually went out for a day

On Sunday - I actually went out for the day - it was a Christmas present for the guys from the girls in the "holiday gang" as we are collectively known. These are friends we got to know whilst the children were growing up and a nice bunch. We went to Chapel Down Winery and then for Sunday Lunch in the Peacock Inn near Cranbrook. A nice few pints added to the wine tasting meant a nice snooze at around tea time :-)

My Dad continues to be watched over in Hospital - didn't have the heart to tell them that an acquaintance of mine died on Saturday of Prostate Cancer that had gotten into his bones. He was talking to a friend of mine only a week or so ago that the radio therapy had failed and he was going into a Hospice. A sad state of affairs. My dad is beginning to get quite "would up" about the operation coming up this Friday (as is my brother who keeps posting moronic shit on Facebook to prove it). Different people deal with things differently - that's not to say that I'm not affected of course I am. However, my father is a very private man and posting stuff on Facebook (of all places) would be the last thing he would want and I at least try to respect his privacy and his wishes.

At the end of the day it isn't my wish for him to die but that's what is happening and it can only happen in the way it be and being a pratt in public isn't helping much. Posting it up on Facebook - you might as well have it splashed on a Red Top newspaper FFS. Of course, this blog is doing something similar perhaps :-) So I may be a little hypocritical there.

Milestone 1

That's the first management meeting out of the way. Next to go get some capital and that was fun trying to work out a strategy to do that! Things now start to get real and have a meaning.

Of course in the interim my dad ended up back in hospital yesterday and I also handed over to my successor in London Lunchtimers. So yesterday was full on and I didn't feel particularly great I was suffering with stomach pains - possibly a little stress but that would be unlike me - but you never know.

I still haven't gotten over how downright rude and disrespectful people are. What right people have to pre-judge what you are doing and tell you how to do it properly is beyond me. I'll happily accept constructive criticism but to lecture me on something I've been doing for some years and that I've worked on full time for 18 months is a bit rich as he neither saw the plans or listened long enough to entirely get it.

Suddenly everyone's a bloody expert and that's where I'm hoping we will find that there will be a difference. We are looking for people to work with us not to ball us out or give us grief - nothing is going to get done like that is it?

Anger Management

Well I had a disturbed night and luckily my business partner was all ears to me this morning whilst I F'd this and B'd that and let off steam about these people who haven't actually done much in their lives telling me how I should do this and that. FFS I've just dedicated 18 months of my life and my life savings to this venture do you think, do you really really think that I hadn't thought this through. These guys used to service my need for resources when I was running multi million global projects in Banks and they think that they know more than me??? This without ever seeing the idea, seeing the figures, the research and all the other stuff we've been through. If I'd been sat on my arse for 18 months doing nothing I could perhaps understand the attack I came under but these people (not just the guy last night) must think I'm some sort of thicko or I'm doing this an hour a night or something. What a bunch of utter low lifes up their own arse cocks they are :-)

That felt a lot better. :-)

I just find these people have no firm footing in the reality of the situation. If I was raising a couple of tens of thousands maybe but I'm raising (or want to) tens of millions. I know what I need the money for and how we will spend it and what value we will build with that money. These jerks think that somehow I've got to "sell it" and "Pitch" for it. With a 150 page business plan, 6 page summary and 12 slide overview - I'd have to ask whether or not any of them actually understood the complexity of the business or the reliance on multiple revenue and cost streams and variables that meant we spent months and months developing a multi dimensional model.

The sad part of all of this is that TV has dumbed down VC money (Dragon's Den) a more worthless waste of video tape I've yet to see. Anyone who's seen it is suddenly an expert, a sophisticated investor who knows that the idea needs to be expressed in terms a 3 year old understands in 20 seconds.

It drives me absolutely crackers and annoys the hell out of me. I am going to be so pleased to meet people who will "get" the business and who will understand the lengths we have gone to to get it right for the size of opportunity.

I'm not normally like this but I'd love to get this funding so that the least I could do is "give the finger" to anyone of the idiots who "advised" us what they think we should be doing!

My Past catches up with me

The last time I saw this guy I ended up calling Mrs. F. to come and get me from some far flung station - I couldn't get home (last train) had gone way past my stop, no taxis (or a long line of them) and I was utterly Distraught. The reason I was so upset? Well I'd had a few drinks but generally I can hold my drink. no it was this guy who've I've known for years and years told me that I was a bit of a failure and wasn't supporting my family and stuff to that end.

So did I smack him in the face or anything? No, I listened to and believed what he told me and just melted on the way home. Amazing what someone can say to you. When Mrs. F. picked me up I wasn't in good shape - I recollect it and I recollect that she was just massively annoyed with me. She completely exploded when I told her why I was the way I was and told me that she would be the judge of that and that basically the guy was talking bollocks...

So I met him tonight after 6 or maybe 7 years. He's a born again Christian and that was OK by me. He'd changed his ways. That too was OK by me. He then went on to completely slag my new business, my ideas and so on. I have to say, he isn't the first one who has listened to part of the story and made up some "idea" about what we are doing and then proceeded to tell me for many hours what I am doing wrong or to ask me questions that I barely am able to elucidate before giving me some other lump of advice.

I'm very pleased that I didn't rise too much to it - he should know me by now but then he has probably forgotten the early days of our friendship and the fact that even today - I'm still the customer.

Next Morning: Just to add to things - I actually think that it was not far from me being diagnosed actually when I came home all messed up - makes sense now when I look back at it. Cannot remember if it was before or after, however, I probably wasn't in good shape. People are just strange aren't they?

Done

Well the accounts are completed and we have had a real difficult time with the accounts but this friend of mine has been absolutely brilliant and sorted it out for me - it is amazing stuff and I was chatting away to my daughter L, the one at Cambridge who was home for the weekend when she started quoting accruals and stuff at me. Perhaps I should have asked her.

Dad is fine, now has his operation on the 11th November and let's hope it is successful to relieve his problems. I doubt he fancies having 2 weeks in hospital but there you go. I will see if I can get up to see him when he gets out or perhaps go and visit him.

I'm feeling good and up and down again - it's the final week of our project and it all culminates in a meeting on Thursday night to establish an end point and allow us to put a milestone in place for the 8th November - our investor ready day. Then we will see if our ideas have wings or not. There's a certain amount of trepidation about the amount of work we have done and its impact and whether anyone will invest in it or not. It is also a bust week with many meetings and chats happening too.

Bloody Accounts

I'm doing some accounts and the problem with them is that I took these over and the last lot were bad enough as I had to back track over a years worth of accounts with no real notes to see where money had arrived in from or indeed where some of it went. A kind friend and very good accountant was able to easily see where the problems were and we ended up with a set of accounts I could work away from. Needless to say, the way thinks work for me, that hasn't been plain sailing as we handed over after the first meeting so I have pristine books for most of the year but the earliest part of the year is a bit different and it is when everyone pays their subscriptions. Anyone who paid by cheque or online I can see, anyone who paid by cash isn't easy as there is just a lump sum paid in.

I feel that I may need to call on my friend one more time to see if we can settle it.

My daughter A popped in to see my folks yesterday she needed to complete a set of photographs she started taking some 6 years ago and whilst she was up there managed to grab some lunch with them - I imagine that was a nice interlude for Mum and Dad to see her - she is a lovely girl and I imagine that she would have cheered them up. My "hugs" cushions arrived too which is nice. I thought it would just remind them that we are a fair way away but think of them.

Back of my mind

I've been going through this song again and again. It is the most bizarre thing - I love the arpeggio way it is sung and it is so "un-Genesis" of all their work. It mesmerises me - here are the lyrics:

When you're asleep they may show you

Aerial views of the ground,

Freudian slumber empty of sound.

Over the rooftops and houses,

Lost as it tries to be seen,

Fields of incentive covered with green.

Mesmerised children are playing,

Meant to be seen but not heard,

"Stop me from dreaming!"

"Don't be absurd!"

"Well if we can help you we will,

You're looking tired and ill.

As I count backwards

Your eyes become heavier still.

Sleep, won't you allow yourself fall?

Nothing can hurt you at all.

With your consent

I can experiment further still."

Madrigal music is playing,

Voices can faintly be heard,

"Please leave this patient undisturbed."

Sentenced to drift far away now,

Nothing is quite what it seems,

Sometimes entangled in your own dreams.

"Well, if we can help you we will,

Soon as you're tired and ill.

With your consent

We can experiment further still.

Well, thanks to our kindness and skill

You'll have no trouble until

You catch your breath

And the nurse will present you the bill!"

Here is the live version ->>

A Bit Better

Dad is feeling a lot better a lot happier mum sound brighter and things are quiet and settled down for now - he has plenty of pills to keep him well enough to operate on and hopefully that will be pretty soon and will sort him out for a while, maybe enough to get past Christmas - let's hope so.

I'm feeling a wee bit better today than I was yesterday - I don't like being ill but I hate other people being ill - I feel bad for them :-)

My Nephew - bless him - is on his way over to buy me a beer which is just what I could do with tonight - get out of the house and have a few beers and a laugh.

I feel sad right now

I'm glad my dad is home, he told me a few jokes tonight - so that's good. Both he and mum can get some well needed sleep and hopefully build up his strength ready for his forthcoming operation. Somehow, tonight I just have a bit of a sinking feeling and I'm probably feeling sorry for him - operations aren't great, hospitals aren't either and he's had his fill of them and now the minor operation has turned to a major one - he'll be in for two weeks - that's the longest I've ever been in and that when I was a kid...

I try not to beat myself up all the time about this - I shouldn't I know I shouldn't and yet I regularly wonder to myself whether I'm doing the right thing. Of course, I can look back to 5 years of no one making the effort to come and see me at all - but two wrongs don't make a right. I've been up twice in the past 6 weeks and whether or not I go with Mrs. F & A when they go up there later this or next month remains to be seen. It isn't my fault (Good Will Hunting! :-) that they moved as did my brother, to a most inaccessible place and I'm guessing when they made that decision the consequences were weighed out by them. I had no part in the decision process and I've done my bit, gone up regularly even when I was ill to see them. Does it matter whether I'm there or not. My mum and I have had this conversation and it's all OK - but is it? I'm a stupid sod sometimes I really am not sure. Perhaps I'll just end up playing the power house and the voice of reason and sanity - now I'm rambling so I'll stop there.

It is funny, writing this I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - I can't do anything about it - I'm sure it will be a "welcome gesture" if I go up and see them but perhaps it is best to wait until he comes home from the operation rather than try and get to see them next week. Who am I kidding I have booked stuff up next week and the week after and the business hits a major target next week and on the 8th November this phase is officially finished. I can hope to get funding or go back and try and find myself a job after all of that!

Little gestures

I've sent off a couple of Hugs to my folks - these are pillows with arms on them you can wrap around yourself - if I can't be there then these will be a gesture. Also sent off my badge from when I was ill that my friend bought me it says "Be gentle with me I'm poorly" and is in the shape of a hot water bottle - hopefully that will arrive tomorrow.

Dad should be home this afternoon from the Hospital and may even have the date for his operation. It is going to be a bigger one than they said but it may just make things that more comfortable for him. Let's hope so, he really could do with a couple of months of "me" time without all this sickness going on as well. I've no idea what they will do to him but to be in for two weeks sounds a bit "heavy".

I've got to press on with my stuff I suppose. L is home from Cambridge this weekend - she always cheers me up :-) I've a week full of things next week to keep me occupied and then we are ready to rock n roll and get things moving at last - what a long journey that has been.

Maybe I'll try and get up to see my folks later in November after he has had his operation and is back home. Now to build him up and hope that he keeps well enough to have the operation.

I feel quite bad tonight

Finally I begin to feel bad about things - I can hear it in my mums voice as it she contemplates the inevitable and my brother as he just sounds exhausted and tired. I've not had to live the day to day and it does affect me not being there, of course it does, it's inevitable that it would. Timing is pants too as I'm right on the cusp of getting things with the business sorted. We are on the last lap the home run and on the 8th November we will be "Investor Ready".

It's an interesting time as we will also be having a meeting next week with the whole team - which is a first I have to say.... Everyone in one room together for the first time in ages. It should be a good day as we will have completed the plans and everything. For my business partner and I it will be the culmination of quite a journey and we are celebrating by going off to a rock concert on the 8th :-) We need that.

I need that - I need to raise my game here. I will probably be OK in the morning but for now I just feel for my dad - all the crap he is going through and of course my mum and brother (and his family) who are dealing with it day to day. I don't think it was wrong to suggest that it would be nice for him to go to sleep after a nice day and then not to wake up - it may be better for him as it is just one thing after another at the moment. It will hurt like hell of course for us but you know you never want your loved ones to suffer and this, although he isn't in pain, is very painful. It's painful for me to hear about let alone for those who are there.

Back tomorrow

He's going through it my dad. Out again tomorrow and home this time they are sending him home with the tablets they should have sent him home with last time!! Come on guys wake up! It was just crazy that they didn't so he ended up back after 6 days. Now he will have his operation either Friday week or Saturday fortnight. The crazy thing is that they've left it too long to do minor surgery and now have to perform something far worse which means two weeks in hospital. That's serious stuff and just so annoying.

At least they managed to get the drippy nurse out of the way and get someone with a bit of gumption to sort out some useful information for mum today so she can feed dad properly and try and stop any more loss of weight as dad is now 3 stone lighter.

My brother sounds drained with the strain of it all - he doesn't do this stuff well and probably hasn't had to handle it quite at this level of intensity.

I actually feel very heavy about it tonight - first time since I heard he was ill that it's weighed this heavily on me. Not a lot I can do - of course I'm about to beat myself up about not being up there but once again what can I do?

Poor old chap

Dad's back in Hospital - came over all weak again this morning landed on the floor and couldn't get up so they got him to Hospital fast once again - this is the third or fourth time now for him and hopefully the hospital will get the message (as this is happening every week or so now) to operate and free things up. It's blindingly obvious that if he gets the operation he wont need to be in hospital - but they seem to be quite happy for this to keep going on which takes up a bed and rather than getting an operation over and done with to clear it up are fire fighting the situation.

At least they got him into hospital at the first sign not waiting for more than 24 hours to "see how it goes" There seems to be no pragmatism going on here - everyone moans about no beds and yet they are happy that dad will keep coming in for 5 or 6 day stretches and yet for one 5 day stretch they could get him off home and he wouldn't be back until things get much much worse.

I'll no doubt hear what is going on in the morning. Poor old fella - he's hardly been ill all his life - he sure is making up for it now.

Well that's the weekend gone

Dad is OK and managed to get a bath with the use of his new bath lift. He's keeping as well as can be expected and my conversation with mum wasn't a great one today. She was telling me how things were going to be in 6 months time. I have to say that it is with a heavy heart that I listened to that because she really didn't seem to want to be doing much and was talking about disconnecting the internet and stuff like that which means withdrawal not moving on. I suppose that's only to be expected but in a way I'd have thought she would want to have some time for herself and some "me" time.

They've always done things together and been together. Apart from dad working abroad and recently when he's been in hospital they've really been inseparable. I live a very different life to that and so does the whole of my household so I probably don't get it. Me, I'd be looking to slowly get back on my feet but also to taste what freedom could mean and to do something locally and get involved in something. Oh well - that time will come and I hope to convince her not to cut herself off from life and become all insular and inward looking.

On Saturday we were treated to a great talk by Captain Eric Moody about his brush with a Volcano whilst flying his 747. The ash was so bad that all 4 engines stopped at 37,000 feet and he glided down attempting to restart the engines. When he finally arrived they found that their cockpit windows were sand (or rather ash) blasted. Some information here he was a mesmerising speaker and it was as if you were up there with him. We overran the meeting by 30 minutes but time just flew by. So that was good.

Today I've wrestled with the Treasurer's figures but at least I know now that we are there or thereabouts and I just need to figure out why there are a couple of holes in the accounts and I should be there.

I feel I'm Always Whinging

And yet - today's whinge is just as crazy as normal - you can't make this stuff up! So my kid brother and I agree a few days ago that as I can get a wheelchair on loan that I should pursue that avenue of research. So I find out that I can have one - I've even seen it and Mrs. F. diverted over last night to pick it up. It's as he suggested to me, lightweight, comfortable, folds up and goes in the car. So I've ticked all the boxes, told him I am arranging to get it, that it wont cost anything and that I or one of the family will get it back to the house in the next 2 weeks!

Simple right? WRONG! So Mrs. F. gets it last night, I drop the boy an email which he responds by asking whether it is self propelled and will fit in a car. Where upon I respond by saying no I didn't listen to what you wanted - You didn't ask for self propelled you asked for light and goes in a car. of course it goes in a car how did you think we got it home, towed it with a pick up!!! He's a bloody amoeba sometimes - stupid sod!

So he then tells me that he's already got one and thanks anyway but can we take it back! What?

Please tell me it isn't me? I mean didn't I have the conversation, tell him I had it and was going to get it and take it up there hundreds of miles away, at my own expense etc! Anyway so that is what pissed me off today. I've now rearranged for the chair to go back - been made to look some kind of fool - yet again. I've a good mind to keep the chair and use it to put my brother in after I meet him next and explain my level of pissed offness with him :-)

As an alternative I'm thinking of getting an Alien Anal Probe and impaling him on it. What a JERK!

Urgh

"Do I not need that" as Gordon Taylor was heard to utter one day. It's been a horrid day really - I just didn't achieve much and that gets me annoyed that I've wasted some time. As it goes, I've done some work but not nearly enough. Soon I'm going to be twiddling my thumbs a bit as we await responses (or not) from investors. It is the final little bits and pieces of the documents that need that last polish, that last t crossed i dotted and so on.

We got to borrow a wheelchair from the local Masonic centre here which I can give to my brother to hold on to whilst dad isn't well and that will help if they need to transport him anywhere and he can't walk far. As it is at the moment he's pretty mobile and he's in good spirits and eating etc but he is sleeping a lot now during the day. Let's hope that he will be well enough to have this operation and keep well for a bit longer.

As for me - I'm a little worn down at the moment just wanting to get things to happen but I can't buck the process and we have to follow what we set out to do. I just could do with this next phase being over - it's the unknown again and that is unsettling.

The Good Samaritan

Well kind of - I had to go and help a friend out tonight and:

1. I'd quite forgotten what a terrible driver he is - he does frighten me when I'm in the car
2. I haven't done electrical work for many years - I used to be an electrician

So we get to his house and he doesn't have any sort of spare lights or flex and things so I had to do some improvising. I eventually found out that the decorators had put back the light fittings and it looks as if they've lost a neutral somewhere in the process which I couldn't find as I no longer have any meters to check out my findings - shame as he will have to call in an electrician to sort it out - at least we know what it is and hopefully they can find it - I only had a screw driver that told me if things were live or not and had to rig up a test lamp - which was when I realised what had happened.

A day of hard work tomorrow to sort out the business plan and to steady ourselves - we are both feeling "unloved" by the wider team. they all have jobs, are away on holiday or generally cannot sit down with us in the next few days to sort this lot out. It means, as I've already guessed - we will be on our own with this - we haven't had the support up until now and we shouldn't expect it in the near future until we get the investment. When we are talking money I'm sure that we will have more friends then but be just as or more isolated. It's the road we have to travel so might as well get used to it now :-)

Different People - Different Ways

Facebook has a way of making people use it seriously and by that I mean gushing out some inner moment of their soul or making some cringe worthy statement. I suppose you could say that about this blog as it is "out there" in the ether/internet. Mind you I certainly don't have this visible to everyone I know and I doubt it is seen my millions of people if at all.

So why publish stuff about my dad on Facebook FFS! It isn't as if it is worth saying its a load of tripe and sentimental bollocks generally and whilst I know my brother is a bit of a sentimental twat at times - this just re-enforces my view. It really is cringe making rubbish of the worst kind of sickly sweet sentimentality. If he feels like this he perhaps ought to go and tell dad - who would probably thwack him around the head and tell him to get a grip. I can't even re-print it as I want to vomit when I read it.

So that's my rant over - I at least managed to put up my own status near his which said "Get a sodding grip" which he may recognise for what it was meant to be :-)

Well

He is home and resting and on the list to get the operation done he should be high up the list as they say it is Head, Heart and Cancer in that order who get preference.

Me? I'm not beating myself up too much at the moment. Dad's home, all sounds settled again the business plan is almost complete, the list of investors is almost finished too and we've arrived at that point where we can send it out and see if anyone is interested.

In addition, some accounts that I've been struggling to sort out have been sorted out for me which is fantastic as they were in such a muddle that my head wouldn't work on how to sort them out - this friend who is an accountant and used to such things has applied his knowledge and experience and overnight done what it took 2 years for my predecessor not to do! This means we could get all the accounts sorted in days not months now. Pleased with that I have to say.

Home later today

As it is Tuesday already. Dad gets home for a while and will have the operation to relieve his bile duct and duodenum and hopefully that will free things up for a while and stop these infections and give him some quality of life. It will certainly assist in giving him a bit longer.

Me - well I'm beating myself up and then doing my Mr. Logic stuff you know - what's the point of going up to see my folks to be a taxi service or to sit in another room whilst he is asleep and just get in the way. sure I can do the support stuff but but do they really want that? I doubt it.

I'll probably continue to beat myself up regularly for a while.

In business terms someone observed that I was bouncing off the walls tonight - well the main reason for that is that the business plan is almost complete now. It just needs final tweaks and by the end of the week - my 18 months journey and that of my partner will be over - we will have investigated our business, done all our research, documented it all, reviewed competitors, built financial models and written our business plan - all we need to do is send it out and get the money :-) It is a cause for celebration and for us to take a well earned short breather. We will find out soon enough if we are barking mad or not! :-)

Progress continues

My brother keeps making sickly stupid comments on facebook which annoy the hell out of me but being as he is a little sensitive (although a big bloke you don't want to cross!) I find it unnecessary to public put this saccharin crap out but perhaps that's his way of coping. He won't hear of comments about dad dying or what will happen and somehow he's not taking on board what is coming down the track at us. I suppose that is his way of coping with it all.

I'm beating myself up about not being there even though I shouldn't and I'm not sure if I'm going to decide to go up again in the short term. To me, it doesn't make a lot of sense as I can't do anything and whilst I can physically be there - that in itself doesn't make it right either. The other thing is that in all honesty, I only ever used to see my folks once or twice a year anyway so I've been up there twice in two months which is like a whole year's worth of visiting already and I've certainly stayed more days than I normally would do as well :-)

Now that sounds just horrible doesn't it but it is so, I probably used to see my folks once every 2 months when they lived down this way especially when the children were young. But for ten years or more they've moved away to the country and it's been best endeavours - more so now as we are all busy people and don't have that much time to spare or to arrange for hotels and all the paraphernalia needed. I somehow wonder whether I sound like a cold hearted bastard when I say that and yet - I don't have that sort of close relationship with my folks that other people have. Me dad is very much like me in that respect and I talk to them twice a week and we are all very pleasant to each other but they've never been involved in my life, my family or anything to do with what I have done and I've been independent for many years so it comes as a surprise that the "done thing" is to go up to my parents a lot as I can't change things and can offer very little assistance - I can never be there at the right time to assist if he has to go into hospital - how would that work? I'd need to be a mind reader. Then there's the "I don't want to be a Vulture" either side of me. I'm sure that everyone's happy that I call and take an interest and offer but do they really want me there all the time or popping in and out? Let alone the cost associated with me going up there and staying at a Hotel. It just isn't practical and whilst I may beat myself up about it I have to be practical here - I have to try and get my business off the ground - that will give me a living and it very much looks as if by the time we get finance I will have self financed for 18 months. I need to get that reversed as soon as. I can't do that if I'm not around here. I can't keep splashing out on hotels and petrol if I'm only going to be sat around watching my dad sleep for that's roughly what it was.

It sounds like I'm some tough old nut who doesn't care - far from it - whilst I may have complained that no one ever came and saw me when I was ill I would have been a bit put out if they kept tipping up and hung around for a few days each time. By all means - turn up at significant moments but at the same time - realise that there needs to be a balance and for me the balance will have to be worked out on my terms.

Better

He's better - made the oncologists appointment which was good as the chap told him straight what his options were. This has now, today, made for a bit more sombre and reflective mood even still dad is still on a different planet every now and then he does now "get it" by which I mean he has realised that time is limited and if he is to escape the cycle of home and hospital every few days he must make a decision on having some surgery. It may just sort things out long enough for him to get some reasonable quality of life in his remaining time.

Mum and I had the "death" conversation today - my brother is a bit too squeamish and he's a bit more "sensitive" about it all than I am. I'm not saying I find it easy I just find it practical - it's what happens and there isn't much we can do about it either really - it will come to us all. So we've spoken about it and also in a way that dad was so poorly that at one stage if he hadn't woken it would have been acceptable. No one likes to see a loved one suffer but to see someone who has never really had any ill health suddenly struck down and to see the quizzical almost bemused look interspersed with fear and worry is not a good thing to observe.

Let's hope that he decides to take one of the remaining options - the Whipple is far too much of an operation - even though he may be fit enough - at 81 it really shouldn't have been tabled. If he takes one of the others he will be out of it for 3 or 4 days but hopefully it will give him a long period away from the hospital and a better quality of life in the time he has left with us.

As for me - well I'm doing the "guilt trip" every day and my brother is taking most of the strain of it all. I've argued with myself long and hard about this and I'm not getting any grief from mum or my brother at the moment - they know the score and so do I. If I was there I'd do my bit but they moved away from me and not vice versa so practically it's impossible for me to do much based this far away - spending time up there is expensive as I stay in Hotels and if there are all 4 of us - it racks up a shocking amount very quickly... Doesn't stop me thinking about it though even though I've been assured that I'm not expected to do all of this stuff.

The other question on my mind is how many times will I see my dad before he dies? It's a morbid question isn't it? I don't think it will be many if at all really. As sods law would have it I'm just entering the culmination of 18 months work (4 years if I really count back to the first time this was introduced). I've got meetings now that decide my future and that of my family and also my colleagues so timing is pretty rubbish at the moment too. Oh well - these things happen.

Not going to be a comfortable 24 hours

We don't know what's wrong with dad but he's hallucinating again and that's not good - he thinks I am there sitting next to him. He's very weak indeed and hasn't got out of surgical assessment despite being in there for 6 hours so far!!! Let's hope they see him soon and he gets into a ward and looked after overnight. He doesn't know where he is or who all these people are - I feel so bad for him and I hope he is out of it and not feeling scared etc.

It's terribly upsetting for my mum and my brother and sister in law who are actually with him. I have only seen a little bit of this of course and that was bad enough. Mum should have rung my brother 24 hours earlier but didn't want to put him out. Strewth I'd have come up if she'd have called me...

Oh well - I can't do anything - I have a meeting here tomorrow and I need to be up and ready for that. I hope that they sort him out and get him fixed up and comfortable though. These lapses and days when he doesn't know where he is are very worrying indeed - more for the impact they make on my brother and my mum as they have to deal with it.

Poor old Fella

Oh dear, dad's being taken into hospital once again poor chap - he just hasn't been well at all and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. He's really going through the mill isn't he? He wasn't right yesterday and thank goodness, mum saw the signs again and has decided to get him into hospital early this time.

I'm guessing they are going to have to make a decision now to do something but he is terribly weal but and I'm guessing that these episodes are caused by the tumour and swelling up inside - he just needs to get things sorted out and I know he won't have the major surgery but perhaps they can "do their best" on the minor invasive to see if they can rectify this problem and give him an opportunity to get some sort of respite.

I feel so sorry for him, he's hardly recovered from the last lot and he's back in again. It just isn't fair but I suppose it goes with the territory. He looks so frail and poorly it's such a shame.

Dad not good again

He's not in Hospital but his legs gave way underneath him and his limbs aren't working. His legs and arms are all weak he says and so mum's keeping an eye on him at the moment to make sure it isn't a recurrence of the infection - he doesn't need that.

Other than that he progress well I suppose - certainly better than a week ago but with this little problem it's not good news. Finally he has given in about the car and so that is one thing I suppose. I hope that this was done with good grace but I think even he must now acknowledge that in his present state he can't drive a car.

It's very sad to see him like he is now - I'm coming to terms with it I suppose now but it's hard work and I can only imagine that it is going to get worse from here on in. All plans are on hold and I'm being super cautious about what I'm going to be doing between now and Christmas as I'm pretty certain that I'll need to go up and see him again pretty soon. It looks as if A and Mrs. F. may be up there this weekend so it will be good if they can pop in to see him.

I liked this

"Picasso had affairs with most of his models. Although some tried to resist his charms, they found themselves strangely drawn."

I love stuff like this - it really is a great play on words.

Had a meeting tonight and enjoyed myself - had a guest of mine along who has turned out to be a good friend - we have very similar backgrounds and he's got a great sense of humour too. The one thing that I liked about tonight was the ability to just get a load off my chest without it going any further - friends listen to the sort of problems I'm having and just absorbing them and making them go away for me - that's nice and it helps a lot. I can have a good old whine about my dysfunctional family and come away with a problem shared is a problem halved sort of evening.

Mrs. F. Picked me up from the centre and one of my friends went and tried to wind her up with some funnies about me staying for one more drink - I think he may have been surprised by her resilience :-)

Here endeth the first lesson

It was nice to speak to some friends today and get a load of last week off of my chest. It's good that they know me and were able to just help me get rid of some of the annoyance of the week and hopefully to give me a bit of support that I did the right thing last week. I feel I should be up there a bit more often but I was like a spare part at a wedding really and I spent a lot of time just sitting in the Conservatory or hovering outside to get cool as my parent's house was like a boiler room :-)

At least I'm back home and on the case and can catch up on work.

I've not spoken to my parents today - I've suggested I go back to my Wednesday and Sunday calls (normal) and see how we get on from there.

On a more happy note

We are off soon to my father-in-law's 90th and my nephews 30th birthday party. It will be nice to get away for a short while from the impact of my father's illness. It has quite stirred up dark memories and bad feelings and stuff that I'd buried into the recesses of my mind.

At least work will keep me busy this coming week as we struggle to finish off the business plan and make some sense of it all. It looks great but needs a bit of polish and some fine words at the beginning to make it impact and enthuse the reader. We should heed Steve Job's words - our business intends to shoot holes in everything that you ever thought about the computer industry and disrupt 20 years of a lack of innovation or thought in the products being delivered.

Let's hope that it all goes to plan :-) I also hope that I get an uplifted afternoon - I certainly could do with a lift after the 4 days I've had.

Dealing with it all

It's pretty tough isn't it? I mean my dad has hardly been ill in his life and so all of this is just terrible for him as he never gets ill and when he gets something like a cold he shakes it off and he's back at things pretty quickly.

He can't understand why he can't do that now, why everything is so hard, why he has no energy, how come he's lost 2 1/2 stone in 3 months, how he can't eat as much as he used to, why he can't do things around the house and garden and so on. The car is driving everyone crazy - he hasn't got to that acceptance about not being able to drive it again - it has only been off the drive twice in 6 months. He isn't fit to drive, he doesn't have the strength nor does he have the wit to drive and frankly I'm not sure that the drugs he is on either are going to help him. I've suggested that he prove himself able to drive by walking to the shops and back. I doubt he could get to and from the drive and back at the moment - it frustrates him to walk from one end of the house to the other - I can see it and he isn't stable. He however doesn't see this, he just sees my brother, sister in law and mum telling him he can't drive. They have to reason with him and that's the problem - they are all happy to give advice and tell him what to do and treat him like some naughty kid and yet he hasn't lost his marbles and he isn't stupid either.

The trouble is that no one is thinking things through. I'm "Mr. Calm" and perhaps a bit too much of the ice man if I'm honest but I like to think that if I learnt nothing else being ill with bladder cancer, I'd know what it was like to have it and how best to deal with it. I certainly found being lectured at was not what I wanted to hear. I needed facts, figures, options, cause and effect, actions and outcomes etc. I was able to come to my decisions based on these, through my own reason and logic. In that way I decided that I wanted to live, to go ahead with treatment, to make a decision should things have gone badly about what treatment to have next, to decide which of those treatments would give me the best outcome and so on. Having someone tell me what I could and couldn't do would have been untenable to me.

So I managed to explain this to mum and brother and to also ask them to stop putting the pressure on - my brother especially who considers anything to be some sort of selfish act? Plonker! I mean if dad doesn't want major invasive surgery as it won't give him a good return on investment (you recuperate for 3 months if you are young) and dad may have 6 months to live I mean it's plain logic to me. Not to my brother who feels that he should go through all of this stuff (well he doesn't now as I've laid some heavy facts at his door to think about). I've also told him that I believe that HE is the one being selfish as it isn't his life to make decisions on and he is being emotional and irrational and not thinking things through.

He's bought guilt presents - a clarinet, harmonica and guitar for him - I mean what on earth is he going to do with those when he's got 6 months left to live and hardly enough breath to breathe properly? What were you thinking? The reason behind the clarinet and harmonica are that when we were children my father sold his to pay the bills and we both remember this. However, it's all a bit late now for that sort of gesture. Suddenly when I got there - everyone's buying birthday presents. We haven't done birthday presents for 10 if not 15 years as we only do Christmas. That necessitated me having to dash out and get a bottle of scotch for him - I hadn't planned anything. What were they thinking? Everyone seems to be going out of their way to say "HEY, you're dying!!"

I'm a cynic I know I am but I do find the way people deal with cancer is bizarre and this general ignorance about it is regrettable but you can understand why especially when you never hear of anyone passing away easily do you? They are always fighting or combating or battling cancer. They die after a short or long battle with cancer, bravely fought etc. You don't get a sword and shield or meet cancer on the battle field at all. It screws up your body and it grows inside you and takes over and weakens you and that is it. I can imagine that everyone is very upset - or course they are - but why should they suddenly change their relationship to you or treat you any different. I was probably more wary of my dad being tired out by me being there and told him to tell me to leave him be if it all got too much. We have pleasant conversations and we discuss lots of things - we are very similar in opinion, politics and shared a business relationship for many years but we don't talk regularly, we laugh and joke and we have fun but at the moment, dad's brain is lively enough but he can't play word cut and thrust for long and he can't do much for long. He isn't stupid though and that was what I tried to get over to everyone when I was there. Don't treat him like a kid even though he is acting a bit strange occasionally try and keep your voice normal and explain stuff in easy to digest facts.

So there you go - I'm pretty glad that I don't have to be up with my family for too long at a time. I feel that they all need to get a grip and to wake up and stop being patronising. Having said that to them, I hope they listen and I hope that they start to show a bit of respect to my dad, if nothing else he deserves to have that and he deserves to be listened to and he deserves to be given the facts and the arguments needed to back up an assertion like not driving the car. He can't see it because they've told him. No one has asked him, no one has reasoned with him. I know he can be as stubborn as hell (I have no idea where I get it from!!!) but start to do some reasoned logical argument and it will be indisputable - he'll have to come to the same opinion and if he starts getting illogical in his argument then it's blindingly obvious that there's something wrong and he may then start to see it.

Oh well - I'm hoping that they take my advice and just tone it all back and realise that he is just tired and weak not mentally retarded :-)

I'm very glad to be home

And have my close family here for the weekend - the girls get on great together and so we do have fun and enjoy each others company. I'm being allowed to let off steam and have some child like fun and be a crazy dad for the day so that's cool :-)

I'm glad I went to see my mum and dad and show some support and I spoke to my mum long and hard on Friday to make sure that she knows I can be there - she realises the distance and the cost but I think it is true that she also realises that practically it isn't possible to get there and back in a day so I have to plan things.

I feel pretty helpless to do much more than do what I'm doing - it's upsetting but I've got to get real here - I can't help much other than provide the balanced views I'm doing and a little insight into the overreactions of my brother and sister in law and my mum. All trying their best to help but disturbingly not allowing my dad to consider his options and decide what he wants and what he considers best for himself.

Back Home

A bit of a hold up on the way back but back home and thankfully able to divert myself this weekend with a party for my father in law and nephew - 90 and 30 respectively. That should be nice.

I've come bearing gifts - well - lots of farm produce for us and I need to take in all the things that have happened this past 4 days. I find it disturbing that my mother and brother are treating my dad like some sort of naughty kid (even though he was like that when the fever was rampant). However, I may have got it through to them that they need to be reactive to his needs not proactive - in other words the last thing a dying man needs to be reminded of is that fact. If you think an electric bed is a good idea then have that idea ready for when he finds it difficult to get in and out of the bed he is in now. Don't get him it, make him change into it for all it does is remind him that he is ill. If you'd have done it to me I would, like him, be bloody furious.

People do things in "good faith" and yet they don't think of how the person who is ill and facing death is actually going to feel when they act out of the kindness of their hearts and kick him in the teeth at the same time. You can overdo the love and support and I hope that, if I've done nothing else, that I've stopped them trying to over protect and try and wrap him in cotton wool, he has pancreatic cancer - he isn't going light in the brain!!

My Week

Was it a good thing to come up here? I think perhaps it was right to do that and in a way I would have kicked myself if I hadn't. I found it amusing for one of my friends to say that I had "now done my bit" which I found amusing and disturbing at the same time. What he meant was that I could perhaps stop kicking myself for not being there for dad whilst he also knew that no one had come down and seen me :-) But at the same time it belittles the act too.

I would have felt bad if something had happened this week and I hadn't made the effort. In a way I feel I should be here more but it really isn't practical. We would all like to "be there" and yet in reality that isn't possible is it? Ideally I'd like to be here for my mum and dad for as long as it takes - it isn't going to happen.

I feel my mum's pain and my dad's confusion and upset and the wider family - especially his two brothers, one older and one younger. I feel somehow that I need to do more but you know what, I also have my own things to do as well. The trouble is that my mother and brother (and sister-in-law) too are treating dad like a kid - I've "had words" about that and suggested that they treat him like the head of the family he is and give him a bit of respect. He doesn't need to be told what to do - he needs to come to these decisions in his own time and when he needs to. He doesn't need an invalid bed now - he may do later, leave the suggestion that we will do what is necessary to deal with his condition and respect his wishes. Everyone wants to advise and push him and yet he needs to make some decisions in a logical fact based way. I know he shouldn't drive the car and so does he but he needs to arrive at that decision based on facts about his reactions, his body movement and his strength - he knows he can't walk down the garden let alone drive a car but he doesn't need to be told.

So - I've done my bit and I know I've got to come up here again and perhaps only a few times more. I've no idea whether I'll be here at the end - that's not my choice, that's the predicament I am in because it wasn't me that moved up to this area of England. It's desolate farming country a million miles from the sort of countryside I live in. There are some amazing houses here but they are rotting away and yet it must have been some place given the scale of the buildings I saw on my walk today - including a house that has to be 17th century that is just what I have always dreamed of owning - a place probably older with turrets that appears to have grown organically and has bags of character. The trouble is - what on earth would you do up here but be a farmer? There really isn't much else I can see to do.

So I've got mixed feelings - it could be the last time I come here I suppose. However, I hope not but I don't think I could hack the day I had Tuesday - my poor old mum and brother had a terrible week with dad. Every now and then dad goes off somewhere in his mind and drifts off and back again but normally he is tired and I'm concious that perhaps I can only just be there and around for them - maybe that's all that is needed - just to be present.

Oh hell what do I know :-) Mind you sat in the bar tonight and there was a conversation going on following a wake for this chaps mother who had just died of Pancreatic Cancer and they mentioned Steve Jobs and Patrick Swazy and of course that just re-enforced what will come in the near future. I don't see dad living beyond Christmas unless he has a very strong will and starts to take on some sort of diet and treatment that may help - I find it unlikely that it will happen I think the decision to die has been made.

I should have been at the Guildhall this evening and I've only just thought about that. It would have been a wonderful event but I'd rather be here - it's dad's birthday tomorrow and so that is important I think. Oh well - I'll be home tomorrow night and I think I will be quite morose and quite upset when I get back there - it's been a strain and it's been emotional :-) I hate what cancer has done to my dad and the frail man who stood there today and at one time he was almost child like and you never want to see your dad in anything other than how you remember him.

More later when I get past the upset. However, I'm not as cut up as I could have been I think.

Ooooeeeerr

I got my tyre fixed this morning and got to my parents a little later - dad was in bed and it was nice to see him a little better and the bruises receding. I then went to the shops for them and dropped of the notes to the doctor, picked up some scotch for dad's birthday and posted some letters and had a nice breezy walk.

I left earlier today as dad got quite tired - it just floods over him and that's just the way things are. It's so frustrating for him and so I got out when he started to get tired just before his tea. My mum wants to feed me but its too early for me.

I have a list of things to get tomorrow from the farm shop as it is so cheap around here. I should be able to do some pickled onions over the weekend with a bit of luck.

I'm sure I'm going to be really cut up when I get home tomorrow - I've had to be massively diplomatic so far. Tomorrow my brother and his brood will be there, dad will have his last birthday with us and I'm sure that the moment will not be lost on anyone in the room. He laughed with me today and gave me my inheritance - a bag of sweets :-) bless him.

Of course Steve Jobs dying today also hit home especially as he had the same cancer! Oh well tomorrow is another day.

Progress

Well Dad's home, I brought him home with mum and my brother late on Tuesday afternoon. He was being a "bit of a handful" and not taking things seriously, he was told not to drive but the doctor and the nurse weren't really that good at delivering this message but frankly, I cannot see him ever getting behind the wheel and I think today that he knows that.

It's difficult to understand that this little step is just one of the things you have to give up as you head towards your destiny. It is one reminder that you are losing your independence and that's why he wants to hold on to it. Of course, he isn't thinking clearly on this and there are lots of other problems like this. The interesting thing is that everyone is dealing with this differently and Dad doesn't do "being ill" so was surprised to see me yesterday and also that I was here for the rest of the week. In a way - I had to come up and he could have been in Hospital all week but I'm here and was able to fix some stuff in the house and also baby sit dad whilst mum did some chores too. It was nice to wander out into the Conservatory and let them both have a sleep and catch up. Things were a lot less frantic and a lot better today.

Dad looks so much better after just one evening of real sleep. Hopefully he can build on this and just have a stable time from now on.

Now the bad stuff - well he does look much thinner than when I last saw him and he is much much weaker. I can see the fear and also confusion in his eyes, I know him of course and I've never known him be scared before.

I'm glad I came.

That's fixed then

I'm off to see my folks tomorrow at the crack of Sparrows. At least I can take over from my brother and sister-in-law and do some supporting chores if nothing else it will give me an opportunity to see dad and mum and try and assist.

I've got my Hotel sorted out - well my brother may need his spare room :-) yea right! I have to laugh about it - he even recommended various other hotels I might like to check out :-) At least I can get away at a reasonable time and spend some time in a Hotel Bar having a cool beer and thinking stuff out. I've got my friend bringing me some literature tonight. He works for the Samaritans and it will be worth leaving the leaflets to hand in case they need them - sometimes it isn't easy to speak to family and these guys provide a vital service to just allow you to chat and talk and get it off your chest. They are well trained and know how to get you to talk about yourself and your feelings etc. A lot of people think it is only about suicides which of course they do deal with but also dealing with other difficult situations too.

The Mirror on what might have been

It sounds strange but I looked at my dad a few weeks ago and I saw myself. I saw what might have happened to me had they caught my cancer a little later than they did. It brings back much of the trouble of that time to me and in many ways I dread going up there this week. I think everyone is putting a brave face on at the moment but deep down inside I'm certain that they fear what will come next.

Me? I'm reminded of all the stuff I go through and how fortunate I am to still be here. I'm not saying it hurts any more than it does to the rest of the family but it certainly hits home a lot more to me. The spread of the cancer and the speed at which dad has changed in a very short space of time is frightening and this latest period in hospital may herald a pattern (I hope not) for the future.

I'll go up in the morning to see him and see what I can do this week. It's going to be a hard old week but I should go. I may have been disturbed by the fact that no one came and saw me in all the years I was ill but it doesn't mean that I have to behave like that.

Spurred into action

I spoke to my brother and I think I ought to go up this week if only to share the load and take mum to and from the Hospital and sort that out. It sounds dire trying to find a parking place and all that! Typical hospital - pretty new one too and not enough places to park - who designs these things FFS!

Dad's a bit better, has been able to get up and wander around himself and has started to get around without the aid of a walking frame so a good sign there.

It always surprises me that I have to stay in a hotel when I'm up there considering my brother has a spare room but they may give you an inkling of why things aren't exactly great between us. Anyway, I'd rather pay to do that I think :-)

It's all a bit difficult in terms of work etc but they have wifi and I have a PC and a phone so that can work :-) I hope to get away pretty early so as to get to my mums in time for breakfast and so I can do whatever is needed. Additionally I'll be there for my dad's birthday which will also be good (and bad) all at the same time. I have no doubt that the Elephant will be in the room at that time.

It's Late and yes I'm still up

Pondering the words I heard my mum say tonight and how sad dad was that he wasn't fit enough to come home. He knows that it will be hard work for mum and I can see that he's beginning to start to think things through in a pragmatic way. A few weeks ago he wouldn't have seen that he was soldiering on as if nothing had happened.

I caught a moment in mums voice and it's kept me up to gone 1 so far and I think it may be time to go up again and see him. This is the bizarre thing, it's only 14 days since I last saw him and so much has happened and changed. That's what is alarming about this, it is as if someone has flipped a switch and dad's gone from one state to another and transformed. It reduces us to helpless and weak individuals and that's not how he was - ever. I find myself listening to various pieces of smooth classical music and working out what I can do this week and how long I can go up for.

I'll take a view on it tomorrow but I think the hidden message is that dad may be thinking he isn't coming home. Whilst he is up to his usual laughs and jokes he actually doesn't have the energy to get up and down and move around fully unaided. That's got to be hard for him to bear and perhaps I ought to get up to see him as soon as I can - I don't want him to interpret that as some sort of last gesture either. It's hard to know what to do and of course the business is at a critical state but then again I'm sure that me thinking about this rather than taking action will materially affect it anyway.

It's better but it's worse

Dad's improved in terms of his attention and his mind and he is very very slowly getting some strength back but not enough to get him home yet I fear. He is very weak and needs assistance getting around. He can get about on his walking frame but it is a slow process and so he knows, and told my brother, that he felt he would not be coming home too soon.

I'm in two minds now what to do about this and whether I go up this week. It may be the case that I take a view tomorrow and Monday and make a decision and just go. I can ring around and get a Hotel easily enough, I have their addresses and details all written out now.

I fear going as I fear it may mean that if I'm there he may read it all wrongly. Perhaps not, I probably don't want to see what has happened to my dad. Let's face it, I only saw him 13 days ago and he was fine - a little thin but otherwise fine. That's what is overtaking me, how quick this all is and how fast everything is moving.

Talking to my mum tonight it was pretty obvious that there is an acceptance that things aren't quite what they should be and dad's blood pressure is going up and down all over the place. Until they stabilise him, he isn't going anywhere.

What to do?

Tearing Down My Defences

Whilst dad is having his own problems and living out the final chapter of his life I wonder whether I'm recoiling from the very real feelings that go back to my time with the early stages of the disease and the things I lived out in my waking and sleeping dreams and the visits of the Black Dog and the barriers and walls I've built up around myself to protect me from it.

I'm certain that I've built a legend and a narrative about me illness that is for me and for me alone but it helps to deal with it personally and when interacting with others. There's a tale, a weaving of truth and fantasy, of anecdotes and experiences that I hold onto as "My Story". It's part of who I am, it helps me deal with what happened to me, it allows me to explain what happened in my language and to suit me. Some of it may be blown up or down to suit the story telling but it is a shell that wrappers me and keeps me from harm. What I see and hear in my father's situation is all of the things I dreamt would happen to me (that didn't thankfully) but other things remind me of the loneliness and the doubt, the fear and the worry, the pain and the anger, the Black Dog and the Little Voice, the shame and the worry.

I see myself dying with him and I don't like it at all it really pulls and I see myself holding back and trying not to get too involved emotionally as it will tear me apart. I'll need to be at my best in the event to deal with the relatives - mum already can't deal with them and my brother is a lot closer to my parents than I am and so I will need to hold it together for him too. He's actually stepped up to the plate magnificently these past few weeks - it hasn't been that long but it feels like it. I may have reservations about other members of his family but he's done well and I have no doubt he'll feel particularly wiped out when the inevitable happens.

Me - I'm afraid that bits of my defence are falling apart now and that I'm questioning things - I don't tend to do things on an emotion I tend to do things logically - one one hand I want to go up and see them but on the other - what purpose does that serve? I'd rather wait until I get called up or when there is time at home. By the end of the weekend I think I might be able to forge a strategy about what to do for the best.

A little better again

Apart from his temperature and blood pressure going up and down all the time, dad's back with us and beginning to face facts. He's too weak to come home at the moment but he is getting his head back into gear. He has been told to use his walking frame and so he is actually doing that as the Doctor told him, not one of us. He will also be told that he cannot drive the car too as this is just outright dangerous.

He doesn't remember much until yesterday and so a few days are completely wiped out (again). The antibiotics appear to be doing their thing and he is able to get to the toilet (in time) with assistance and so that too is good. He realises that he is too weak to come home and he understands that he needs to listen to what people tell him. He still gets confused and forgets (or makes things up).

So - he's better and with it but he's lost a heck of a lot of weight, can't get around without the frame and still has something not quite right with this infection he's got. I see the chance for Chemotherapy retreating over the horizon as this would have knocked the stuffing out of him and given his immune system a severe shock.

I'm still battling the guilt of going up there or not. Does he need loads of us around his bed or do I wait until he is home and just spend the odd hour there? What will I achieve and so on. I can go on beating myself up all the time about this but perhaps I'll just have a think about it over the weekend.

Perhaps today we will find out a bit more

Like is dad diabetic, how far has the cancer spread, are they going to start to treat the pain he is beginning to get now, are the anti biotics working and so on. It's all lots of questions and we don't even know if he will be out of Hospital this week or not. He's been in for 3 days now - it feels like weeks!

I spoke to mum and she was upbeat and getting to grips with things now. Not sure if my brother has been able to do any work this week what with running around to and from the hospital. I'm still in two minds what to do really - I've no idea if going up there is going to help or hinder things and whilst it's my dad, I also have my own stuff to do. Having worked for 18 months without pay doesn't leave me in the greatest of positions to be up there and staying in hotels etc for any great period of time. Sorry that sounds callous and it isn't meant to be it's the way it is and what use am I going to be anyway?

More later no doubt.

So now things slowly change

It is amazing how quickly things change n'est pas? I spoke to mum and brother tonight and Dad's better, not great but has eaten a little, is being cheeky (always a good sign) and sent everyone home at 8 so he could sleep. That's the upside.

Downside is - yes it is colon cancer and yes there's something strange going on with his stomach area which needs sorting, his white cell count is down a bit and that is where we left it apart from he needs to have or see a neurologist. 18 months ago he went to the GPs with this balance problem and the found nothing. Now we have balance and memory issues - which aren't Parkinsons they say and they are also pretty certain it isn't Alzheimer's Disease either. However it is pretty serious as he keeps falling flat on his face or falling out of bed etc.

I've been out with a friend who has very kindly listened to what I've had to say and very kindly just been there for me. He's one of a very small handful of people who now know how I feel and the way I've been beating myself up over things. It was useful to have the conversation and to come away refreshed and to then speak to my brother and my mum shortly afterwards.

It is all a bit fast

I know from previous experience (2 people I've known have died from Pancreatic Cancer) how fast it can be. Both were discovered with late presentation when it was pretty much outside and in their system - one died within days and the other in around a month and he was only 26!

It appears to me that this is progressing ever so fast and my brother tells me that dad is now very thin and that he'd lost weight since I last saw him which is only 10 days ago. We've gone from knowing that he's pretty ill and terminal to being in Hospital and in not great shape in those 10 days. If he doesn't eat today that will be 3 days without food and whilst he is drinking water and being hydrated today may well turn out to be one that sets the course for the next few days too.

He's confused, my folks are stretched and emotional and I'm just beginning to feel bad and a little tearful as I feel for his and my folks pain and the fact that I'm not there. I'm waiting for and hoping that I'm not going to get the call from my family to go up this time. I really hope that this isn't it and that he will get over this, go home and slowly fade away. The longer he is in there though the less convinced I am about that.

And worse

It's close to 11 at night and I've just spoken to my brother who has filled me in on the latest. Dad's managed to climb over his bed rails and crash to the floor injuring his face! He doesn't know where he is and he thinks some of his fellow patients are ex-workmates and it is all getting very sad now. Mum is pretty distressed, of course, and well we are just going along with it all. It just makes for a terrible time for everyone, apart from dad who is out of it a bit and isn't really sure where he is, or why he is there but does know and accepts that he has cancer now.

I suppose we consider that we get the bad news and just sit back in our chairs waiting for the end to come and then for a few days retire to bed, call the family around and breathe our last and actually it isn't like that at all is it? This is just horrible and draining on the family and my brother and sister in law and mum are taking the brunt of it.

I'm sat here at the moment toying with the idea of going up to see him but I can't see that it will actually help the situation one bit. I need to find a hotel and with my inherent love of hospitals (even though I am much better now) it isn't actually going to be of any use, other than "being there". I think I just need to be on call at the moment and to be aware that I could be called up at any time. I'll sort out some phone numbers tomorrow in terms of hotels etc so that I can ring around and get that done.

It's all going back to the guilt trip stuff again and if they were here, local, even an hour away I could do something. If I were to go up for the day I can kiss 6 or 7 hours away just driving. It's just the way it is. I'm hoping that there is improvement tomorrow but it does now sound like there's been quite a significant progression and that the cancer has spread to his Colon and if that is the case then it's likely that other areas are getting infected and compromised too.

It's a sad way to go and it's never nice I suppose to consider that it's your dad and there's a highly intelligent man, a very strong man too laid so low and looking so thin and helpless. Let's hope they can sort him out sufficiently so that we can get him home - where he'll be happy and let him end his days there if possible.

Today I think it dawned on me that this is a turning point in his cancer and what is frightening is how quick this is all happening and how this particular form of cancer is so virulent and aggressive.

And it gets worse - apparently

It looks as if dad may have Colon cancer too someone at the hospital suggested. We wait to hear about that later today. It appears the hospital and the ambulance people have all been very good which is fantastic news and nice to hear. We should find out today a bit more and what they are going to do. Dad needs to have mum and my brother there so he can arrive at a decision as at the moment he isn't understanding everything and is a little "out of it". Maybe that's not a bad thing? I don't know. Mum sounded OK this morning and had managed to get a good night's sleep which is also useful as she had been up most of the previous night.

More later - no doubt.

My Breaking Point

Tonight I felt bad - I felt bad because I'm stuck here hundreds of miles away from my family that moved from this area (where I've lived most of my adult and pretty much of my childhood years). I feel helpless and I feel cold and useless. I feel like I'm making some petty point, scoring some points over my family who have probably only come back down this way twice in the ten years or more they've been away from this our local area, where we were all brought up and where we all used to live.

I know it is not true but my brain is telling me that I'm some sort of "second class citizen" some sort of "shit" who can't be bothered with his immediate family and who isn't playing his part.

It is my mind that is playing out this gladiatorial battle of wills. I'm the wronged party and then the next second I'm the wilful miscreant who isn't "doing his duty" and running up and down the hundreds of miles to look after my parents. Then the "little voice" is saying in my ear "When did they ever come and see you when you were ill?". "What did they do when you were curled up in the foetal position recovering from your treatment" and suddenly the little devil sits on my shoulder and whispers into my ear what a "Heartless bastard" I am and I cry. I cry because I feel so bad about this situation, I fear that my words are unheeded and that a decision my father has made has sealed his fate. He doesn't want treatment, operations or anything else, he's accepted that his time is run. The epiphany I see is that this is far from the truth and that there are other ways but dad's "old fashioned" he is set in his ways, he understands the facts one way and I understand them another.

It's all a bunch of bollocks and just too upsetting and too confusing to discuss. It is because of family, history, science, fact, fiction and many other factors that I now realise that I can't save my dad. I'm no healer, I've survived cancer and "so what?" Can I save my dad, can I save anyone? What qualifications do I have, how likely is it that I'm right about the Budwig Protocol, will that help him, will he believe it can and so on.

That is what will now send me to bed tonight upset. I am human, I am fallible, I am useless, I can't save my dad, I can't get to him in 10 minutes, I can't ease his pain, I can't do a lot. I can talk to them and I can probably help that way but other than that - I am utterly powerless to do anything. Test my faith? Of course - it pushes it to the utter limit and beyond.

Tomorrow will be another day and a defining one at that. I hope for good news and some sort of resolution. I fear that my father has opted to die, give in and succumb. It was never in my plans to do so and I'd have like to have thought it wasn't in his either.

I am rambling on - it's the way of it - I want him to die on his own terms, in his own way and without the complications and ugly hanging on bit - he will not want it like that and neither would I like my family to go through that. As for me - I'd like him to think that he could join with me to defeat this but I fear that he is beyond that level now and that his mind is set on the future none of us want to see.

So I entitled this my breaking point and what I meant was that tonight I really have, for the first time, realised that I am going to need to step up to the plate now. I need to put aside my silly prejudices and to just concentrate on the situation to hand. Too many people are taking the easy shot at me and it hurts like hell that I'm not nearby, that I'm not involved, not that emotionally attached either and that the way they treated me is diametrically different to the way they'd now like me to treat them. They can't have it both ways.

Mixed Evening

I was out with my school chums - it was a lovely evening but was interspersed with news of my dad and his situation. It isn't great and it isn't good but it is so difficult to judge - at a distance - what to do. I mean I can drop everything and go up there or I can wait to hear what is needed and do something then. As it is, I'd like to go up but what actual good (other than physical presence) can I be?

Here's the problem. What earthly good am I being there. I can't sit with my dad, there's visiting times etc. I can sit with my mum when needed I suppose? I can be there when required but when is that? I could just move up there I suppose. None of these are actually possible when you think about it. It isn't going to happen and whilst I fully expect to get the call to "get up here now" that isn't where we are, but I'm not absolutely sure where we are if I think about it.

I can imagine that mum isn't great as she is at home worrying. My brother is at home worrying and I went out of my way tonight to get a few extra beers down my neck and lean on my friends whose fathers have both passed away. They were great tonight and I'm sure they will be good for me later this year (or next) or whenever the time will be. It is a problem, it is a worry but my friends will be there for me and help me get through this.

Talking of which, let me mention a very good friend of mine who is a Samaritan. I have so much regard for him and he is one of my oldest and dearest friends. He gives up his time (and lots of it) to listen to people who phone with all sorts of problems. They give their time freely and I'm completely in awe of these people who just do this on a voluntary basis. Having met some of them I'm very privileged to have been in their company they are truly wonderful, self giving people who do things that you and I could never do. I feel that they may be a good help to mum, dad and perhaps my brother in the days and weeks ahead.

I think that my experiences have insulated me at the moment. I feel that I am thumping out the logic, reason and stability messages, the rock in a hard place but actually I found myself quite upset today. Not for the reasons you may think though. Dad's got to come to terms with this. My brother is taking the brunt of it and his wife is also helping. As you are probably aware - I'm no great fan of hers but she does what she does, she's pragmatic and strong and you need that too. Me, I feel for my mum and the hole that's opening up. It isn't her wish that the past 10 or 15 years have been lived in the way my father wanted it to be lived. She's not one for not participating but has done so to keep the status quo. She has given up her life for dad and in a way I want her to then go on and free up and go and have her own life after giving her all to dad.

Her giving it up meant that they haven't gone on holiday for years. That she hasn't been to family dos for years and so on. In a way I will rectify that when dad is gone as long as she decides that that is what she wants. I think she deserves some time out and a few good holidays if you ask me. "That side" of the family never came down to see me when I was ill, never came to my birthday party or those of my children and never made it down for Christmas etc. I haven't spent Christmas with my family for 15 or perhaps 20 years.

What I'm annoyed about is how "upset" I've become about this as it has never worried me before and it hasn't been important and yet now it is. There's no reason for it apart from the expectation that somehow it is I who have to change my ways and the relationship now. I've never changed, complained or got upset about it until now and suddenly I'm the "bogey man" it's my fault that I didn't move up there, that I happened to still live in the same house I've lived in for 23 years whilst they've all moved three, four or five times and each time further away from me.

I feel terribly guilty - I feel that I am beating myself up all the time and I'm sure I shouldn't be. I feel awful, I feel that I wont be there in time when dad dies, I feel so many terrible thoughts at the moment that it doesn't make me sleep and yet I know that logic defines that there isn't anything I can do. No one suffered my pain with or for me when I was ill. No one drove down to see me. Friends I knew came from Europe to see me but my parents never came down. I went to see them. I reassured them I was all right, I even took my family up to see them as well.

I just feel terribly guilty and wonder why I should - when I was ill no one, but no one came to see me - I'm not saying that it's right but just that I don't see why now it should be so different or what has changed. Of course it's my dad, he's not got long to live and I WILL go up and see him as often as I can - it's just the way I'm being treated at the moment which is somewhat galling. Perhaps I should just rise above it all - perhaps that - after all - is the way forward.

And Now back in Hospital

Oh dear, poor old dad - he wasn't at all well and now he is being taken by Ambulance to Hospital - that will please him NOT :-(

I spoke to mum and suggested that she checks with the nurse what he is and isn't allowed to eat - poor chap. I think the Pork Scratchings over the weekend couldn't have done a lot of good and then they had a meal of Roast Pork yesterday and I'm sure in my mind that the Pancreas is the organ that assist digestion of fat - although I'm probably off the beam there.

My brother has left work early to go and see him and see what is needed. An awful lot is resting on his shoulders at the moment and in a way whilst I'm still feeling pretty guilty about it and am rationalising things in my head about using my time sparingly in going up there - it costs me not only my petrol but also tends to be a night in a Hotel - well you can probably guess it really starts to rack up even if it is just me going up there. But I'd better work out what I'm going to do soon as if this continues I can't see where the light is - it just appears to be one thing after the other. For someone who never had days off in his life, hasn't been to the doctors or a hospital much he's making up for lost time.

Oh Dear

Dad's had another bad turn - almost the same as he had last time on return from the hospital, not quite so bad but enough to get the doctor out and some serious medicine needed to sort it out. My brother reckons dad's lost quite a bit of weight this last week - and he was thin when I saw him so heaven knows what he is like at the moment.

I'll clear the decks here and have to work out my diary to see when I can get up and see him. Maybe this weekend if I can find a room. It's all pretty messy at the moment, I think this constant illness cycle will just take it all out of him. It sure is distressing for him and my mum and of course my brother and his family as they are all there on the spot.

Sleep at last

Phew - I needed a good night's sleep and also having dozed in the chair must have helped me to catch up too. I really do need to recharge my batteries emotionally. Emotional blackmail isn't a nice thing to suffer - it's a sort of bullying and it may be that it is how other people deal with it or how they've built up a picture in their minds about us. Paranoid - moi? :-) Just because everyone's out to get me doesn't mean I'm paranoid!!! - One of my favourite sayings....

I'd be lying to say I get on well with my brother or his family. We share entirely different value beliefs and we don't see eye-to-eye on many other things either. We may look alike but we are chalk and cheese in nearly everything. My mum's never understood that but my brother is very like my dad and they live a sort of hermit like existence with very few (if any) friends, hardly a social life to speak about and they don't join in with anything leaving them very much work and home and that's your lot. Not that I'm a party animal by any means but I do go out a bit and I do have a handful of very good friends and a "circle" of people that I know quite well and another circle that would encompass people I get on with reasonably well etc.

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised by all of it? Mind you I'm bloody annoyed that after assuring me they weren't going to celebrate my dad's birthday and after I've made other arrangements they now are going to do so and I can't go. It makes me feel really bad especially as it could be his last birthday meal... I suppose though that's just some sort of regret mechanism guilt trip. I just hope my dad doesn't take it that I wasn't interested or had something else to do. It feels like transactional analysis management style, playing politics with the situation and that is just completely abhorrent if they are making political capital at this particular time.

Families! Sometimes you can hardly believe what they get up to and for what exactly? As if it isn't a difficult time enough.

Weekend

That was fun - a weekend in Margate with Flocky Bicep and another friend and we had our usual strange times there. It is always a bit of an unusual experience in Margate, I don't know what it is but you meet a whole swathe of different people. We had an interesting crawl of the pubs including one that we always go and see as it is just, well, how can I say this, weird would be an understatement. We then wandered into town but it looked as if our favourite Chinese Restaurant had close down so we ended up at an Indian Restaurant which was OK but I have to say I wasn't particularly clever the next morning. We went to a micro brewery which was nice - some great beers and ciders but the last cider I tasted was so dry that it felt like a Harry Potter Death Eater was sucking all the soul (and moisture) out of my body. I had to leave half of it which is almost unheard of.

We were up early next day for the Provincial Meeting and met a lot of people we haven't seen for some time and then had a beer with friends (after the lunch) went back to the Hotel and went to Broadstairs for the evening. Our taxi driver was great giving us a running commentary on where to go and what to see, she warned us away from the "youth pubs" and suggested places to eat etc. We eventually ate at a very nice Restaurant which was reassuringly expensive and had a wonderful meal. The local pubs however weren't that good but the wine bar we frequented last time we were there was very good.

We had breakfast this morning and came home in time to allow me to see the Grand Prix and to fall asleep in my chair for the remainder of the afternoon. These late nights and all day sessions do take it out of you though!

It was nice to sit outside the Hotel on the Terrace on both nights and chat to my friends about my dad and what's going on. I have some ideas that I can pass on based on things they said and also I don't feel quite so bad about myself as I did before I went. Let's give you a flavour of why I should feel bad. I phoned my brother and asked where they doing anything for dad's birthday in a couple of weeks time. The reasons was that it is my father-in-laws 90th and my Nephew's 30th that same weekend and my sister in law was planning a party and that was one of the days. "No we aren't planning anything" was the reply so I went ahead and have now booked that all up, the girls will be coming home and everything is planned and Friday I hear from my brother that they now are planning something and can I come up? So there you go, it's probably his last birthday and they are having a meal and I - and none of my family will be there.

I also had one of "those" conversations with my brother's wife. When I phoned up on Friday to let him know I was away for the weekend but on the phone she answered which surprised me. I said that he's normally working at home on Friday and then got the well because of your dad and us running him around he had to go in today. I can't impress upon you the way this is said to me but so far, I've been pretty good about it, I've been pretty much one for giving the benefit of the doubt and for exercising the very real possibility that I'm pretty sensitive about my father dying. Therefore, it may well be me that has the problem. However, I was pretty put out with the way these things are happening and the way that I'm being made to feel guilty about this or that there's some "conspiracy" which is just ridiculous right? When I spoke to my brother I told him that I was somewhat surprised that, after I'd spoken to him about being up for dad's birthday, explaining my situation etc that they'd gone ahead and booked it and that I'd just found out about it after organising or agreeing to a date down here. It had been a last minute decision apparently - well in two weeks time it would be a last minute decision.

I gotta stop getting worked up about this. I'm really waiting to hear what the outcome of the meeting on the 4th October (don't worry we'll look after your dad) exposes. Dad says he doesn't want invasive surgery, my brother says that he may now have slightly altered his opinion on this but we shall see. My brother tells me that dad now believes that there is something wrong with him, by which I understand that he now realises what he has, is coming out of anger and denial and beginning to think sensibly about his options.

I just hope I can get some sleep again tonight without the aid of alcohol as I hardly slept a wink on Thursday night.

Bit of a Defining Day Today

With Dad now having said he won't have invasive surgery it leaves very little option for him and in some ways surprises me as I would have thought the bypass surgery wasn't that invasive and would help him out long term as things deteriorate / progress towards their inevitable end. I am in no position to argue his logic or his decisions as long as he has made these given all the evidence and all the ups and downs that a no decision will mean for him health wise.

I'm not sure that it would be a decision I'd make but then again, I'm not 81 years old and I'm not in the same situation at all. I find it a disturbing situation because whatever you feel, no matter what happens and no matter how prepared I am, it is still my dad. That makes me quite sad inside and somewhat worried as, as I've said before in this blog, I do see myself in him sometimes and I wouldn't want to slip into that frame of mind in years to come.

Respecting a Decision

We all have to make decisions and we all have to accept the consequences of those decisions. I chose to survive and I chose to "fight" although I've never been entirely comfortable with that analogy. You can see how it applies sometimes but it was more "stubborn resistance" in my case :-)

Dad's planning on making a decision that I think will hasten his demise. He's accepted his fate and he doesn't want to have any procedures that will result in a small pay-off for high tariff discomfort. I can understand that too. It's probably me but I'm hoping that the full thing is discussed so he has all the facts to make these decisions based on those. If not then to me it appears to be a rash decision. In his place I'd go for the bypass and not the full operation (I can understand that) just so that some function can continue.

I've been through all of that - there wasn't a "choice" for me, I had to have the operations, the treatments and everything else that goes with bladder cancer. The insight I have now is that it is YOUR cancer and your body and whilst it appears to many around you that you are being selfish well that's just tough sh1t really. It is your illness and only you know how you feel about it. It's unfortunate that those around you are going to get hurt at the same time but they aren't the ones with the disease nor the prognosis and so it isn't their decision. It's terribly hard on my mum of course and I can't imagine its a walk in the park for dad either. As for my kid brother and my sister in law - well it is going to be tough as they have been close to him for the past 10 years and they see a lot of them and let's face it, they all moved up there together so they've an investment (if you see what I mean and don't think I'm being callous).

All the players, me included, have a viewpoint, an investment but no say in this. That's hard isn't it? I mean you've got to make a decision that will p1ss off all your loved ones. You can only hope that they've made the right decision, for the right reason and ironically can live what that decision. My parents have been married for 55 years (I hope!) and they've really only ever had each other, they have no friends and I imagine they hardly know anyone locally and that's a bit of a worry for me, not now, but for later. The point of all of this is that I'm probably the only one of us who respects his decisions (as long as he knows what the consequences are) and I very much doubt that anyone else gets it. The trouble is I hear myself talking all sensibly and grown up about it and I sound (to myself) hard as nails. I'm certainly matter of fact about it. Whether this will hurt me in the long run or not I don't know - it's how I'm handling it now and we will just have to see how it turns out.